renewed beginnings

http://bobatethemob.livejournal.com/

Running 'round leaving scars

Everything

wander off in the evergreen park

i'm doing everything to distract myself from the fact that i'm still unhappy.

we must be mistaken

this cannot go on i swear.

its swarming me, drowning me,

and somehow i dont even really care.

all these thoughts consuming me,

corrupting my state of reality.

i think at this rate i will lose my mind.

moving forward i don't quite know how things will be like. hell, i don't even know how i want things to be like. its too easy to say oh lets just see how things play out. truth is no one really wants things to just play out. everyone wants things to happen the way they want it. we are all selfish to your own ends, just some more than others.

i think i'm losing control. i feel like what i once knew about myself is slipping away. i'm no different, yet everything's different. this i cannot reconcile, and in a sense i cant yet deal with it. it troubles me endlessly, and closure isn't in sight.

and always i push on, because i cannot stop.

*and the worse part of it is realising that you're not special at all.

I'll laugh until my head comes off I swallow till I burst

today's lesson learnt is that swallowing ones pride and ego is a hard thing to do, but sometimes you just got to do it anyway. and it basically comes down to the willingness to admit you're wrong even when you're not. its a tough pill to swallow, and its not something i am particularly good at.

yes, i am still peeved over it. and it wont go away just like that. but life isn't lived in the temporary. i should understand this. and so beyond the anger, i know that i've lost what little respect i had before.

i don't agree that's its accepting people for who they are. some people are inherently fucked up, why should we accept them? rather its about understanding how to work around those problems and making it work anyhow. i cannot allow myself to be dragged into petty and ultimately meaningless conflicts.

at the end of it all, i can touch my heart and say i didn't do anything that i should be ashamed off. and that's all i can do.

how come i end up where i started?

i think few people realise how much time i spend living inside my head. hell, i think sometimes even i don't realise it. and its worrisome. sometimes i really wonder if i'm all quite there. maybe i should get myself checked out.

i don't think people really read blogs anymore. blogs are too lengthy. they demand too much of your attention span. they don't come with like buttons. its funny how our generation has evolved. i still remember the time where blogs were all the rage. i guess it was a time where it was the only real social media available. it was the only way to communicate with others, without actually doing any communication. it was chatting without the chat. and there was a time when blogs actually meant something. now everything's so instantaneous, and somehow i think we've lost something along the way. i think we no longer care as much.

i guess in a way my motivation to blog has changed too. blogging used to be a medium with which to communicate, with a (supposed) audience. nowadays i think blogging is a lot more self-serving. considering few if not nobody actually reads this, it somehow serves a purer function that i think it used to. now it really can be the personal journal that it was supposed to be. its a pot in which i can let my thoughts simmer. and if occasionally someone decides to come stir the pot, then so be it.

i was eating durians just now, and it got me thinking. some people are like durians. they are all thorny and prickly and generally scary from the outside. and in some ways there's a certain mystery about durians. inside, they can be all soft and delicious. or they can just be empty. and not everyone wants to find out.

i think more than anything else i'm looking for company. its quite lonely up here in my head. maybe people will join me, or perhaps drag me out.

dont play with fire, for you will get burnt.

i'm on a train, barrelling down these tracks.

there's steam in my eyes, wind in my hair,

the country-sides are fading from sight.

the sun rains down on my face,

as i gaze out into the beautiful expanse.

there is no steward and no driver,

no one to hear these screams of terror.

who dares to leap?

its an endless drop, then splash.

and so we carry on,

forwards and forwards and forwards.

till the inevitable end, then crash.

and then we fall.

and it was quiet tonight

We all like to get it in our heads, all these promises of beautiful endings and fairytale beginnings. The reality is that it just doesn't happen. Life's an endless stream of dismal disappointments and underwhelming conclusions.

I'm not really a movie person. Most movies they appeal to the silly romantic in all of us, painting images of blissful utopia that we can strive towards. I much rather movies that do away with all that bullshit, that paint life the way it really is. Movies should be harsh and constant reminders that life isn't perfect, that life isn't easy. Life is a constant struggle, and if its anything else than we're really just kidding ourselves.

I guess i'm just slightly peeved that i haven't watched a good movie in a long time.

Wishlist

all saints cropped military boot

Super flat top

Radii straight jacket (black black red)

and my life will be complete. for now.

take a look at me now

watch where you tread my son,

you're still only at square one.

don't leap, don't even jump,

on this ragged edge you don't get a second chance.

the lines have been drawn,

and you have been warned.

i'll stand here and watch you drown.

your face it haunts

this, its almost like taking a step back in time. i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

every time looking back i cant help but laugh. we were all so young and naive, so stupid and ignorant. and yet, after the dust has settled, i think i've emerged a better person. well, better by my definition that is. and everything happens for a reason, once you think about it enough. everything will have their implications, whether you like it or not.

i cant help who i am. but i've learnt that that is a lousy excuse for not trying.

smartass or jackass? i think right now i'd probably pick jackass. i think for very long i've tended towards smartass. its time for a change perhaps? there's no lesser of two evils anyway, might as well just pick one and stick with it.

i think my biggest challenge will be dealing with the reality that its a very different world now. i cant perpetually just live on my own wavelength and expect things to fall in line. i didnt listen then, but i understand now. (its not something i'll readily admit, but i must) its all the little things i guess. these are the things that you actually have control over. i'm done trying to control things that are beyond my control. its too tiring, and just not worth it.

sometimes i wonder if its just me being tactless. i mean there's always two sides to the coin, and it all depends on which side you want to take. and as much as i want to sit on the fence, i cant. so yes, learning when to shut up, it only comes with experience i guess. its really a case of learning from your mistakes. i think very often i walk a very fine line. i probably overstep that line every now and then, sometimes knowingly, other times not. all this living on the edge, i think its bad for me. its gotten me into way too many sticky situations. sometimes i wonder if i'm better off just backing off and just not bothering.

i guess you can only say you know someone when you've seen them in a vulnerable state.

I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes

i don't quite know why, i don't quite know how, but something's not right.

We would shrink and then be quiet as mice
And while the cat is away
Do what we want
Do what we want

I think eventually we all end up having to ask the important questions in life: what do i want? What can i sacrifice? Is it enough? Will it ever be enough? Why isnt there a blogger app for the iphone? Such questions haunt me, day and night. And i've come to the worrying conclusion that basically, i'm still very unhappy. Maybe its because i want too much, and i set my expectations of everything so high that i'm constantly disappointed. Maybe i just spend too much time kiddin myself and pretending that i'm happy with the way things are, when i clearly am not. Maybe i'm chasing a dream that's already lost.

Often i wish things werent so complicated. If things were simpler, maybe life wouldnt be all this hard. I'd be one persona, and that would be enough. People would understand, because i wouldnt confuse. I would understand, because i wouldnt be so confused. Is it so hard to step out of this bubble and back into a world full of normality? I'm finding out that it is. Suddenly everything that made sense to you no longer makes sense.

I really dont want to sound bitter and disgruntled, but i think i am. But probably more with myself than anything else. I realise its been a long time since i've felt any strong lasting sense of emotion, whether happy or sad or what not. Nowadays everything is so fleeting, they pass and i carry on. I'm afraid i'm becoming slightly emotionally numb to the world. Theres prob too much anger and resentment right now, emotions i dont want to be having.

At the end of the day, i want to do what i want. Its just sometimes, thats prob not the smartest thing to do.

you said i'm falling behind...

i'm so jaded and frustrated with work. i don't think i can carry on like that, its just killing me inside.

i'd like to believe that it's okay to be misunderstood, that i'm ok with that. but i'm not. i don't think anyone can really ever be, if they are being honest with themselves. while i may not chase popularity and aspire to be well-liked and whatsoever, being misunderstood can at times hurt.

breaking out of this bubble has been difficult, and i'm still adjusting to it. i'm so out of touch with social habits and practices, its like having to re-learn how to eat or something like that. but one must not see the world with rose tinted lenses, because lets face it things out there will never be as good. we had too much of a good thing, and now its coming back to haunt us. but slowly, i guess, one step at a time. start with things i'm familiar with, and go from there. sometimes its just about saying hi. its not that difficult, is it?

people seldom think this much. i often forget, and it leads me to do rather inane things. and it all adds up see? i allow people to misjudge me, because i always forgot that everyone is very much different. its something of a vicious cycle i think.

i'd still like to think i'm ok with it. generally i am. its just sometimes i'm not. often i don't even know when that is.

do we look as we are, or are we as we look? i think for most people you can somewhat figure out who they are just by how they look, what they wear etc. i guess what i'm really saying is that most people are simple. and that's perfectly okay. if anything that's probably better. i don't think i've met anyone with as eclectic a dress sense as mine. sometimes (ok often) even i myself am confused. perhaps its because i'm still not quite sure who i am as a person. it always comes back to the whole identity thing. its not that i'm having an identity crisis or anything (i hope not), but more that i find i can be a different person to different people.

i'm weird. i know. and it used to be perfectly alright. but now i'm not quite sure anymore.