i hate it, living in this limbo i am in. its neither here not there, everywhere, yet nowhere. its sucks to be so unsure. to realise that maybe, just maybe, everything i've ever believed in may not be true after all.
and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.
Friday, February 09, 2007
the brutality of honesty
today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
tomorrow
theres something econs lectures. i dunno. its a condusive thinking environment i guess. i came out with 2 script ideas. haha.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
to be.
yes i have realised just how little time i have to think these days. everythings so fast, constantly moving ahead, moving forward, no one really takes time out to consider the past. and i guess i dont want to be caught up in that never ending forward pursuit, without looking back. it becomes a chore. i want to be able to sit down, all by myself, and just think. about everything, anything. to strip away all the superficiality, all the facades, all the borrowed clothing, all the painted masks, strip it all away, and deal with everything that's left. i guess the scary thought would be that maybe theres nothing left. maybe its all that i really ever have.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
wishing for things i never had
i guess with each passing day, i'm realising how absurd life really is. beneath the lies we tell ourselves, there lies something that resembles something of a truth. but who really cares? we're all so happy just the way it is.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
shole
sigh. i am tired. very very tired. schools sucking up all my life's energy. theres just something about the fricking lts. (char: yea i tink ure rite about ure whole conspiracy thing). grrr.
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
Thursday, February 01, 2007
all these things that i've done
you know, all these doing and not thinking is doing me a hell lot of good. nowadays, i'm so damn fucking busy i hardly have time to think anymore. and i guess its not a bad thing. i mean, i'm just too tired everyday. come home, i realise i dont have much energy to do anything. but it might be a good thing, cos then i wont be constantly brooding and thinking about all the what-ifs and all that shit. not like last yr. and in some sense, its actually liberating.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
i miss v14
today it struck me, just how much i miss v14. and i am somewhat surprised it took me this long. i mean yes i do miss the class, but today it really struck me just how much i miss them. i mean, i guess its also cos we spent 2 years together, and we've only been with our new class for a month. and also i guess everyone's all still caught up in their sec sch past. but really, i miss 14 very much.
i mean we all had went through alot. gossiping, bitching, hating, issues, fun, laughter, insanity, everything. and i dunno. it just totally struck me today. just, talking.
i mean we all had went through alot. gossiping, bitching, hating, issues, fun, laughter, insanity, everything. and i dunno. it just totally struck me today. just, talking.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
poster of my life
time doesnt heal any wounds. time numbs them, so much so we forget they are there. but then something comes along, to rip those wounds right apart, to unleash the pain, the suffering, the hurt. and then the blood of history begins to flow.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
the personal response of the critical mind and the critical response of the personal mind
its the sad sad reality that rules my life.
i'm always wandering around,
lost, searching, feeling.
its so funny, how things always have a way of happening. its the horrifying reality of my past coming back to haunt me, literally stalking me, drilling holes in the back of my head, yet i cannot see. i cant get myself to stare it straight in the eye. i cant deal. and its killing me, you see.
theres something really fascinating about unplugged songs.
i'm always wandering around,
lost, searching, feeling.
its so funny, how things always have a way of happening. its the horrifying reality of my past coming back to haunt me, literally stalking me, drilling holes in the back of my head, yet i cannot see. i cant get myself to stare it straight in the eye. i cant deal. and its killing me, you see.
theres something really fascinating about unplugged songs.
Monday, January 22, 2007
me and my little girl
i have complexes.
first, i have a stalker complex. not that i've stalked anyone yet, but i know i can. i have this thing about observing people, noting every single thing they do. and wanting to know everything about them. its quite scary really. and all these stalking plans keep running through my head, so tempting, at the same time so scary.
secondly, i have an elitist complex. its like, once in awhile, i'll feel that everyone around me is just so, stupid. and pointless, and useless, and absolutely worthless. i have these moments, and i totally hate myself for it. its like, suddenly everyone kind of disappears, and theres me left in my own little bubble, looking down on everyone else, thinking i'm so damn fucking great, when i guess the truth is, i'm not.
oh well. we all gotta live with who we are i guess.
first, i have a stalker complex. not that i've stalked anyone yet, but i know i can. i have this thing about observing people, noting every single thing they do. and wanting to know everything about them. its quite scary really. and all these stalking plans keep running through my head, so tempting, at the same time so scary.
secondly, i have an elitist complex. its like, once in awhile, i'll feel that everyone around me is just so, stupid. and pointless, and useless, and absolutely worthless. i have these moments, and i totally hate myself for it. its like, suddenly everyone kind of disappears, and theres me left in my own little bubble, looking down on everyone else, thinking i'm so damn fucking great, when i guess the truth is, i'm not.
oh well. we all gotta live with who we are i guess.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
the death of the conversational evangelist
it seems that things always have a way of happening,
history always repeats itself.
maybe its just me, everywhere i go,
i bring along this luggage,
this negative energy,
that makes me want to do as i do.
and i saw stars and lighting flash across the sky
its not that i want to be like that.
sometimes, i'm not sure i'm given a choice.
things stick, u see.
labels stick.
and i wonder, do i even want to try?
though i may tell myself i do,
do i actually mean what i say?
or am i jus lying to myself,
trying to make myself believe that things will change,
when in fact they wont.
i think its qutie damn scary,
our whole life we're wondering if we actually exist,
and in death we wonder if we really lived.
whos to say?
history always repeats itself.
maybe its just me, everywhere i go,
i bring along this luggage,
this negative energy,
that makes me want to do as i do.
and i saw stars and lighting flash across the sky
its not that i want to be like that.
sometimes, i'm not sure i'm given a choice.
things stick, u see.
labels stick.
and i wonder, do i even want to try?
though i may tell myself i do,
do i actually mean what i say?
or am i jus lying to myself,
trying to make myself believe that things will change,
when in fact they wont.
i think its qutie damn scary,
our whole life we're wondering if we actually exist,
and in death we wonder if we really lived.
whos to say?
who's gonna stop us now?
what does it mean to be happy?
i mean, people are all happy and shit,
but does anyone know what happiness is?
i'm not sure i do,
and i wonder if anyone can give me some kind of answer.
we all have our moments, when we feel like nothing could stop us,
nothing could get us down,
but these moments, are they real?
do we truly feel happy in times like these?
or are we just kidding ourselves,
imagining our happiness so we dont have to face the
true bleakness of reality.
i guess, once in awhile we all have to kid ourselves.
to be happy, to be sad, to be angry,
which is the biggest lie of them all?
i mean, people are all happy and shit,
but does anyone know what happiness is?
i'm not sure i do,
and i wonder if anyone can give me some kind of answer.
we all have our moments, when we feel like nothing could stop us,
nothing could get us down,
but these moments, are they real?
do we truly feel happy in times like these?
or are we just kidding ourselves,
imagining our happiness so we dont have to face the
true bleakness of reality.
i guess, once in awhile we all have to kid ourselves.
to be happy, to be sad, to be angry,
which is the biggest lie of them all?
Friday, January 19, 2007
to be or not to be. that isnt a question.
i have learnt that:
i need to look up more. serious this is pretty much screwing with my acting.
i should always reply, even if tis the most trivial thing in the world. i guess of them high strung people just gotta know.
its funny. bus 31 travels the route of my life. from my hse to toa payoh, it passes my kindergarden, vs, vj, tao nan, kong hwa. weird really.
i need to look up more. serious this is pretty much screwing with my acting.
i should always reply, even if tis the most trivial thing in the world. i guess of them high strung people just gotta know.
its funny. bus 31 travels the route of my life. from my hse to toa payoh, it passes my kindergarden, vs, vj, tao nan, kong hwa. weird really.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
and what if we all died tonite?
we could all live happily ever after.
live in blissful ignorance.
believe everything to be all right.
that things will somehow work themselves out,
like they always do.
we could be happy,
we can laugh, joke life away,
but ultimately,
we'd be living a lie.
one many people are willing to live,
but a lie nonetheless.
who dares to try?
i've been dwelling for too long. in some ways, i've lost the ability to feel happy. its like, everday i'm living in limbo. yes i can be something, like be high or be happy or be sad or whatever, but AM i happy? i'm not. and i dont know how to make myself rediscover that emotion. i guess i need for something to happen. something i can do, and probably something i can succeed in. like winning something, or taking part in something, or just doing something. i'm not sure i've found that thing yet. there are some things that may do, but not yet. and i'm just hoping in these few months i might discover something that'll let me feel happy again.
live in blissful ignorance.
believe everything to be all right.
that things will somehow work themselves out,
like they always do.
we could be happy,
we can laugh, joke life away,
but ultimately,
we'd be living a lie.
one many people are willing to live,
but a lie nonetheless.
who dares to try?
i've been dwelling for too long. in some ways, i've lost the ability to feel happy. its like, everday i'm living in limbo. yes i can be something, like be high or be happy or be sad or whatever, but AM i happy? i'm not. and i dont know how to make myself rediscover that emotion. i guess i need for something to happen. something i can do, and probably something i can succeed in. like winning something, or taking part in something, or just doing something. i'm not sure i've found that thing yet. there are some things that may do, but not yet. and i'm just hoping in these few months i might discover something that'll let me feel happy again.
Monday, January 15, 2007
there's this strange buzzing
theres this strange buzzing between my ears.
its defeaning, yet i hear no sound.
it hurts, yet i feel no pain.
theres something, but i cant feel it.
but i know.
theres this strange buzzing among my eyes.
it blurs the very vision i thought i have.
i blink, each blink a torture in itself.
i can feel my eyelids yearning for each other,
seeking the comfort that is familiar.
who's to say?
theres this strange buzzing running through my hair.
its there, but i dont feel my hair move.
the smell of my hair wax drifts around,
i can taste the sweetness in the air.
poison lurks where we least expect it.
but at least i'm aware.
that theres this strange buzzing,
somewhere.
i am like SO going to fail lit and ki. i have lost all ability to construct a proper english sentence, let alone a paragraph, let alone an essay. i'm SO dead. really. btw that reall isnt a sentence. neither was that one. neither is this one.
its defeaning, yet i hear no sound.
it hurts, yet i feel no pain.
theres something, but i cant feel it.
but i know.
theres this strange buzzing among my eyes.
it blurs the very vision i thought i have.
i blink, each blink a torture in itself.
i can feel my eyelids yearning for each other,
seeking the comfort that is familiar.
who's to say?
theres this strange buzzing running through my hair.
its there, but i dont feel my hair move.
the smell of my hair wax drifts around,
i can taste the sweetness in the air.
poison lurks where we least expect it.
but at least i'm aware.
that theres this strange buzzing,
somewhere.
i am like SO going to fail lit and ki. i have lost all ability to construct a proper english sentence, let alone a paragraph, let alone an essay. i'm SO dead. really. btw that reall isnt a sentence. neither was that one. neither is this one.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
who's to say i'll never die?
07a12 is highly amusing. seriously. i guess its a strange feeling, after spending 2 years in vj. everything feels the same, yet so different. i mean, the place is the same, but the people are different. and i guess the system now is very different too. like how i haf to get use to spending half my day in school sitting around playing murderer listenin to britney spears and eating. and mr chan sucks, lah.
i guess i'm expecting too much too soon.
if we all gave each other time,
would it all be alright?
i guess i'm expecting too much too soon.
if we all gave each other time,
would it all be alright?
Friday, January 12, 2007
deformed muscles ((((:
its the irony of it all,
minute after minute,
hour after hour,
staring at a screen,
believing that it means something.
believing that its actually worth it.
when in fact, it isnt.
all it is, it's wasting time away.
wasting this life away.
burning up the seconds,
slowly, ticking, ticking,
like a stream never to flow again.
to the end, and never back.
to think, to think it might actually end up somewhere...
minute after minute,
hour after hour,
staring at a screen,
believing that it means something.
believing that its actually worth it.
when in fact, it isnt.
all it is, it's wasting time away.
wasting this life away.
burning up the seconds,
slowly, ticking, ticking,
like a stream never to flow again.
to the end, and never back.
to think, to think it might actually end up somewhere...
if death is inevitable, who's to say life isnt?
the truth is, they wont be there when you need them.
i guess i must learn to be less judgemental. after all, i'm not sure how much we can and/or should trust our first impressions. theres just too many things affecting our judgement. and we dont even know them yet.
its a little game i'm playing with myself. sort of like playing twister, except just with myself. and in a way, its fun, yet at the same time i'm punishing myself. and hey, i tell myself its fun, but is it? is it worth it?
if things had no answers, then we wouldnt have questions to ask.
i guess i must learn to be less judgemental. after all, i'm not sure how much we can and/or should trust our first impressions. theres just too many things affecting our judgement. and we dont even know them yet.
its a little game i'm playing with myself. sort of like playing twister, except just with myself. and in a way, its fun, yet at the same time i'm punishing myself. and hey, i tell myself its fun, but is it? is it worth it?
if things had no answers, then we wouldnt have questions to ask.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
my bed of roses
i seek solace
in things i dont understand.
in things i cant do.
in things i dont want to say.
in people i'll never trust.
in everything that isnt what it seems to be.
after all, we are all living a lie.
the truth is nothing more then a well packaged lie.
at the core of everything else,
i think we'll all eventually lose ourselves.
to something we'll never understand.
in things i dont understand.
in things i cant do.
in things i dont want to say.
in people i'll never trust.
in everything that isnt what it seems to be.
after all, we are all living a lie.
the truth is nothing more then a well packaged lie.
at the core of everything else,
i think we'll all eventually lose ourselves.
to something we'll never understand.
how do i ever look at this the same way again?
i guess its the inevitable. its going to happen sooner or later, we just got to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it i guess. i mean, i dunno maybe its just me or something, but like no matter where i am, its always there. and we just gotta deal i guess. we cant keep running away, or lying to ourselves that everything's perfect, or that it wont happen. we'd be living a lie. and i guess, i just dont want that to happen. its takes too much out of me.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
i need a little bit of faith
just what do i have to fucking do?
everything i do is wrong.
i'm always the one causing trouble,
the one being unreasonable,
the one making things difficult for everyone,
the one who doesnt know how to follow rules.
i'm always the one doing things for the sake of defiance.
i'm awlays the one who doesnt understand basic rules.
the one who doesnt know that nature defines everything.
i mean thats just fucking bullshit.
and what the hell am i suppose to do?
i try to reason, no. cannot.
things must have a conclusion.
just finish it since i've fucking started.
i mean like fuck you lah.
waste your own fucking money its not my damn fuckign problem.
i've decided i won fucking care anymore.
its just a waste off my goddamn time.
i'm just hoping i've got enough means to vent my frustrations,
until i can finally get away from this screwed up place called home.
i want to run away so badly.
more than anything else in this world,
i want freedom.
from everything i am, everything i mite be.
everything i do is wrong.
i'm always the one causing trouble,
the one being unreasonable,
the one making things difficult for everyone,
the one who doesnt know how to follow rules.
i'm always the one doing things for the sake of defiance.
i'm awlays the one who doesnt understand basic rules.
the one who doesnt know that nature defines everything.
i mean thats just fucking bullshit.
and what the hell am i suppose to do?
i try to reason, no. cannot.
things must have a conclusion.
just finish it since i've fucking started.
i mean like fuck you lah.
waste your own fucking money its not my damn fuckign problem.
i've decided i won fucking care anymore.
its just a waste off my goddamn time.
i'm just hoping i've got enough means to vent my frustrations,
until i can finally get away from this screwed up place called home.
i want to run away so badly.
more than anything else in this world,
i want freedom.
from everything i am, everything i mite be.
angel crossed
i'm drifting around like a poor misguided fool.
listening to the voices of aimless angels.
telling me it aint over, dont surrender,
little do they know, it already is over.
over, before it had even started.
i'm hopelessly entrenched in this sea of deceit,
swimming around, not knowing where i'm headed.
drowning, bit by bit,
as the energy drifts slowly out of my body.
everywhere i turn, its the same familiar darkness,
the same chilling waters,
the same stale, cold air.
i guess the truth is, no one really understand.
no one ever will.
its pointless.
its so easy you know,
getting in and out of character.
its casual even, cause its happening too often.
i've been made to paly a part i'm not sure i want,
but i dont have much choice.
i volunteered after all.
i guess i'm chasing that sense of liberation.
of being able to be me,
without actually opening myself up to get hurt.
i need something to occupy myself.
to stop myself from constantly brooding,
constantly dwelling deeper and deeper inside,
i'm afraid i'll lose myself,
to my fears.
i need...something.
anything, that means something.
that means enough.
enough for me to care.
enough for me to dare.
listening to the voices of aimless angels.
telling me it aint over, dont surrender,
little do they know, it already is over.
over, before it had even started.
i'm hopelessly entrenched in this sea of deceit,
swimming around, not knowing where i'm headed.
drowning, bit by bit,
as the energy drifts slowly out of my body.
everywhere i turn, its the same familiar darkness,
the same chilling waters,
the same stale, cold air.
i guess the truth is, no one really understand.
no one ever will.
its pointless.
its so easy you know,
getting in and out of character.
its casual even, cause its happening too often.
i've been made to paly a part i'm not sure i want,
but i dont have much choice.
i volunteered after all.
i guess i'm chasing that sense of liberation.
of being able to be me,
without actually opening myself up to get hurt.
i need something to occupy myself.
to stop myself from constantly brooding,
constantly dwelling deeper and deeper inside,
i'm afraid i'll lose myself,
to my fears.
i need...something.
anything, that means something.
that means enough.
enough for me to care.
enough for me to dare.
Monday, January 08, 2007
back back back to the disaster
its that strange familiar feeling rushing over me.
a little bit of nostalgia, a slight tinge of fear.
even when i close my eyes i still can see,
the envy, the lies, everything's so clear.
wondering if all these is meant to be,
god's little way of toying with my heart.
break it up, put it back, let it be,
its all just a joke played in the dark.
u see. i cant rhyme -.-
i'm scared which becomes more of me. is this but an act? is who i can be anything like who i am? i'm not sure which is better. to stay in my comfortable suit, or to go out and buy some new clothes. i guess in a way i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of letting go, after i've grown so comfortable wearing these clothes, fond of them even. and if and when these clothes are snatched away from me, i've got 2 choices. get new clothes, or go naked. i'm gettin new clothes.
i hope they're nice
a little bit of nostalgia, a slight tinge of fear.
even when i close my eyes i still can see,
the envy, the lies, everything's so clear.
wondering if all these is meant to be,
god's little way of toying with my heart.
break it up, put it back, let it be,
its all just a joke played in the dark.
u see. i cant rhyme -.-
i'm scared which becomes more of me. is this but an act? is who i can be anything like who i am? i'm not sure which is better. to stay in my comfortable suit, or to go out and buy some new clothes. i guess in a way i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of letting go, after i've grown so comfortable wearing these clothes, fond of them even. and if and when these clothes are snatched away from me, i've got 2 choices. get new clothes, or go naked. i'm gettin new clothes.
i hope they're nice
Sunday, January 07, 2007
she makes me wanna chop my arms off
i am:
superficial
vain
proud
idealistic
paranoid
dumb
mildly insane
schizo
saddistic
obsessive
demented
moral-less
tactless
fake
poseur
ignorrant
arrogant
scared.
NOW. whos gonna believe who i am not?
superficial
vain
proud
idealistic
paranoid
dumb
mildly insane
schizo
saddistic
obsessive
demented
moral-less
tactless
fake
poseur
ignorrant
arrogant
scared.
NOW. whos gonna believe who i am not?
happy bday to the world
surprisingly, my new year has been relatively good. considerin in 7 days of bloggin, my post have been relatively happy. or not terribly depressing and shit. well i guess, its just 7 days. the year is a long one, filled with long 7 day periods. time to take charge, RAWR!
i'm not crazy i'm juat a little unwell
i guess its scary when the real and the not so real become, well, indistinguishable. i'm jus afraid i wont know where the line is for me to cross.
Friday, January 05, 2007
and it all always has a start and an end
i have learnt from orientation 1:
first impressions count. but not much.
ignorrance is bliss. false ignorrance is ignorrance nonetheless.
i'm best when i'm fucking high, or fucking emo.
come touch me.
first impressions count. but not much.
ignorrance is bliss. false ignorrance is ignorrance nonetheless.
i'm best when i'm fucking high, or fucking emo.
come touch me.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
why am i so stupid?
sigh. i'm so damn stupid.
and i'm such a bastard lah. i cant stand the way i am so superficial, so judgemental, so anti-social. its horrible. i mean, i'm screwing with my life. i'm ending things before they even begin. its so ironic. somehow, i think i'm one who doesnt give many pple a chance. its fucking horrible. i'm fucked up.
i hate myself. so do you.
sigh.
and i'm such a bastard lah. i cant stand the way i am so superficial, so judgemental, so anti-social. its horrible. i mean, i'm screwing with my life. i'm ending things before they even begin. its so ironic. somehow, i think i'm one who doesnt give many pple a chance. its fucking horrible. i'm fucked up.
i hate myself. so do you.
sigh.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
we all still grow old
oc is getting to me. i mean face it, i'm living in a world of make believe. everything that is happening, its all so surreal. and i dunno. its fucking scary. everything i say, everything i hear others say, it all seems so...scripted. and its just me. i dont know whats real anymore. 2 months i've benn out of touch with the real world. the internet alien abducted me. and now, in a couple of hours, they are gonna send me back to earth. school starts in a matter of hours. reality soon begins. pple are wishing each other gd luck with the sch year ahead. yea. i need all the luck i can get. reality's a bitch.
kaytlin cooper is hott.
kaytlin cooper is hott.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
rain rain rain
i don get it. every other blog i go everyone's all like "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"
um, wads so happy about the new fucking year?
um, wads so happy about the new fucking year?
Monday, January 01, 2007
looking back on a 2006 i'd much rather not forget
lifes been:
an ocean.
swimming in this ocean.
you have no idea where to go,
no idea where you're headed.
but you keep swimming.
anywhere. everywhere.
a game.
we're all playing games.
i stare, he stare,
we see who's scared first.
i run, he run.
i jump, he jump.
i fall, he fall?
a farce.
i've been living a lie.
lying to everyone,
lying to myself.
it makes me feel comfortable.
its almost like i actually am.
a torture.
i do way too many things i really shouldnt.
all these, its all my own damn fault.
all these things i've done,
i do them over and over again,
until they hurt.
until i can feel the pain.
the words in a song.
i can write on and on,
but in the end,
without any music,
the song aint a song anymore.
and sadly, i'm not up to singing it anymore.
i need some inspiration.
my 2006 was, in truth, not very much.
i realise i spent much of it wasting it.
2006 was full of:
music.
computer games.
guitar.
stoning.
randomness.
emo.
anger.
inept-ness.
incompletes.
i hope 07 really is a better year.
i hope its full of:
music.
guitar.
jamming.
emo.
scandals.
gossips.
lies.
anger.
computer games.
i need a reminder.
an ocean.
swimming in this ocean.
you have no idea where to go,
no idea where you're headed.
but you keep swimming.
anywhere. everywhere.
a game.
we're all playing games.
i stare, he stare,
we see who's scared first.
i run, he run.
i jump, he jump.
i fall, he fall?
a farce.
i've been living a lie.
lying to everyone,
lying to myself.
it makes me feel comfortable.
its almost like i actually am.
a torture.
i do way too many things i really shouldnt.
all these, its all my own damn fault.
all these things i've done,
i do them over and over again,
until they hurt.
until i can feel the pain.
the words in a song.
i can write on and on,
but in the end,
without any music,
the song aint a song anymore.
and sadly, i'm not up to singing it anymore.
i need some inspiration.
my 2006 was, in truth, not very much.
i realise i spent much of it wasting it.
2006 was full of:
music.
computer games.
guitar.
stoning.
randomness.
emo.
anger.
inept-ness.
incompletes.
i hope 07 really is a better year.
i hope its full of:
music.
guitar.
jamming.
emo.
scandals.
gossips.
lies.
anger.
computer games.
i need a reminder.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
whatever you say
wad did i expect anyway?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?
just a little maybe
you recognise those times,
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
Friday, December 29, 2006
question markkkkkkkk
how can i ask pple to take me seriously, or not, when i myself dont know when to?
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
what it all away?
i've lost it.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
in her world
i've got so many secrets i wanna tell.
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
what if einstein was christian?
everyone's special is his or her own eyes. i believe that must be true, or else we'd never achieve anything more than we already have. and honestly, i think everyone, in some way or another, always puts himself before anyone else. thats just how it is. no man is an island. every man is a country.
oh ok my god wadeva
oh ok my god wadeva
titles hardly matter
now, the line's so blur, does it even matter anymore? even if i cross it, who will know?
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
lol haha lmao rofl
haha. all the fake hahas. they are everywhere. yet they mean nothing. no one is really laughing. no one really means anything after all. we're all so safe, so secure, behinds lines of text, texts of lines, no one can see us. more importantly, no one can feel us. ultimately, only one sound remains: silence. the itunes, the clickin of keys, the wooshing of the aircon, the strange buzzing in my ear, they mean nothing. they dont exist. the only thing that exist, the only thing that matters, is the silence.
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
my war
my war
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
merry effin christmas
here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
i found my greatest sex
recipe for a hot night out.
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
Saturday, December 23, 2006
PRESENT BITCH!
SOMEONE BUY ME A FUCKING GUITAR STAND FOR MY ACOUSTIC FOR CHRISTMAS. OR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. PLS PLS PLS. OK DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUITAR. THANKS. I LOVE YOU.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
its all not coming back to me
hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
touchdown
i'm back. who cares?
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
when we learn to say goodbye
sigh. enduring love, among other stuff from last year, is rushing back into my head. my rather tired head i should add.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
Friday, December 15, 2006
mother of sons
hmm i think now would be a good time to reflect back on a 2006 almost past. i tink i'll draft a letter to santa.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
they are fighting a war they'll never win
people dont understand.
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
switching with team blocgs
everything looks so much better from the outside.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
my brooding beauty
she.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
Monday, December 11, 2006
fuckin ikea
omg ikea is a giant piece of shit. seriously. damn pekchek lah. actually suppose to eat dinner at home, den suddenly my parents tell me go ikea i was like O_O den after dat go there, my face from :| become -_____-""/@_@ fucking hell go there eat must queue half an hour to get the food. and its not say very good or wad lah. i mean ok at least it wasnt bad, cos if it was i would haf murdered someone. i was soooo pissed off. and like its a fucking ripoff lah. 40cents for BUTTER -_-"" $4 for a carlsberg -________________-"""""""""""""' WTF. i hate ikea. i am never goin back to ikea tampines if i can help it. its not as if ikea is actually nice or wad. cos it isnt.
-.-
-.-
to mock is to mocketh
i am in one of those moods again. where everything is lousy, everyone sucks, everything sounds so goddamn stupid. why?
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
grand-narrative? try grand-irony
for some strange reason, i've recently taken to irony. in all its shapes and sizes.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
ZEN @_@
blogging is fucking zen.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
terribly disturbed
i am terribly disturbed by the fact that:
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
GONE
omg i'm too damn high. like >.> >.> >.> i haf learnt from today dat alcohol makes me high, nto drunk. and VERY red zomgwtf. and i've also learnt smthn, which is that when one is drunk, shuttup. HAHAHA. of course i wasnt drunk, but someone was at one point, and said stuff he/she shldnt haf HAHAHHAHAHAA :D:D:D:D lol lol lol. i'm fucking crazy. tom i'll wake up and be like "omg wtf did i do all dat last nite O_O" hshshshsh.
ROCK IT BABY!!!!!!!
omg omg omg i am so high. my brain is sane, my body is bloody drunk >.> hahahahahaha. i jus danced all the way home from the damn bus stop, and i was dancing and sashaying whilst i opened the door, and i'm dancing around hte hse in my boxers. WTF?!?? hahhahaha. i tink hk pple make me high lol. the wine jus made it worse lol x 10000. lol tthis doesnt sound like me, cos it isnt hahahahaa. i'm crazy. i jus karate kicked jus now, for no apparant reason. but i'm not dfrunk u noe. my mind is clear as ever. dickie talks abotu institutional art. SEE! muahahahahaha. omg die tom sure damn damn high oso. eee ok i'm cold i'm goin to put on some clothes. lalalalalalalalalalalalalzlzlzlallalalalala.
Friday, December 08, 2006
so -_-""
everytime i tink of smthn,
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
stupid ho
sigh. i'm very sad. inspiration pang seh me again and again and again.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
BOMBING BABY
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm high xDDDD
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
bohemian rap city!!!!!
something's scary.
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
at the end of the something
bleh i missed the tao nan outing. and now dat i tink about i tink i shldnt haf. cos its like we're all 16 goin on 17, and like its a really good time to meet up once more to jus see how everyone's doin, before steppin into jc life. and i'm tinkin, this hols is the best time to meet up with old frens. the timing is jus so, right. sigh. so now i'm tinkin i wan to meet old frens all over again. maybe one day i'll go find yijing joel they all, maybe the tuition pple, vs pple even, jus old mates.
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
Monday, December 04, 2006
du di du di
lol yuxuan posted and i shall rip a quiz. lalala. i got notin to do sia -.-
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
if nothing's missing, den everything's missing
ok so now that my head has kinda of cleared itself up, and my eyes arnt crossing each other everytime i look at something, i tink my thoughts are now straight. lalala. ok so i'm still slightly high, but ok nvm wtf.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
living the washing machine life
so i'm back, now,
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
quantaeom theorry and its manny benefitts
wad do u do when u don wan to tok but wan to be heard?
wad do u do when u don wan to think but wan to understand?
wad do u do when u don wan to think but wan to understand?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
aneoprinting
is there anything worse than thinking about thinking? i think not.
oh well.
neoprints are wonderful for preserving things long gone. u noe. its like our cheapskate way of making up for our poor memories. they say it changes when the sun goes down!!!!!!!! i haf this fleeting suspicion i'm already fucking insane. but it doesnt change the fact that neoprints rock. its a social activity dont u see?
ok whatever starlight is invading my fuckin head again.
oh well.
neoprints are wonderful for preserving things long gone. u noe. its like our cheapskate way of making up for our poor memories. they say it changes when the sun goes down!!!!!!!! i haf this fleeting suspicion i'm already fucking insane. but it doesnt change the fact that neoprints rock. its a social activity dont u see?
ok whatever starlight is invading my fuckin head again.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
when nobody understands anyone anymore
haha oh well, cant say i didnt see this coming.
my heart hurts. like theres this painful throb to it. and i thot i was like goin to die yesterday, when at one point there was this feeling of everything crushing my head. really. i guess at some point in time everyone's gotta feel like dying, just abit. theres this bitter taste in my mouth, after taste possibly. like wtf. ok i'm making shit sense.
its so funny, yet i think its so true. many pple cant take intensity. it scare the shit out of many pple i tink. it scares me quite abit. haven met many of such pple before, but the few that i haf they are scary, yet strangely fascinating, possibly even attractive. theres this smthn happening.
there are things to look at, and then there are things to have. i tink the distinction is very important. cos when they become the same thing, dats very saddening. the value of it is greatly reduced. u know...
fucking pissed off. this is so stupid, pointless, disastorous, horrible, fucked up, irritating and painful. wad morons.
my heart hurts. like theres this painful throb to it. and i thot i was like goin to die yesterday, when at one point there was this feeling of everything crushing my head. really. i guess at some point in time everyone's gotta feel like dying, just abit. theres this bitter taste in my mouth, after taste possibly. like wtf. ok i'm making shit sense.
its so funny, yet i think its so true. many pple cant take intensity. it scare the shit out of many pple i tink. it scares me quite abit. haven met many of such pple before, but the few that i haf they are scary, yet strangely fascinating, possibly even attractive. theres this smthn happening.
there are things to look at, and then there are things to have. i tink the distinction is very important. cos when they become the same thing, dats very saddening. the value of it is greatly reduced. u know...
fucking pissed off. this is so stupid, pointless, disastorous, horrible, fucked up, irritating and painful. wad morons.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
OMFG
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lqbt6X4ZgEI
OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD
this is jus wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy insane. its the craziest and best shit ever.
OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD
this is jus wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy insane. its the craziest and best shit ever.
cos of her united states of whatever
quiz time, cos i'm so bored its gay.
1. First Name? desmond
2. Were you named after anyone? no -.-
3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes.
4. When did you last cry? considerin its 12.51, meaning its sat, 6 days ago.
5. Do you like your handwriting? fuck no.
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat? wtf is lunchmeat? and meat is meat.
7. What is your birth date? 6/2
8. Mountains or Beach? mountains.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? depeding on who the other person i am is. chances are, no.
10. Do you have a journal? a diary? yah.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? -.-
12. Do you have a nickname? dessy o.0
13. Would you bungee jump? yes. if i could afford it dat is.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? generally not. depends on the shoes/how the laces at tied.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? no, no, no.
16. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? rum and raisin.
17. Shoe Size? 10.5
18, What is your least favorite thing about yourself? if it had to be one thing, its gotta be my brain.
19. Who do you miss most? someone.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? no.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? pants, blue. shoes, colourless.
22. What are you listening to right now? my guitar. in terms of music zombie. alot alot alot of it.
23. Last thing you ate? raisin bread with nutella
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink, but nowadays black.
25. What is the weather? the weather is "the state of the atmosphere with respect to wind, temperature, cloudiness, moisture, pressure, etc."
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? aaron.
28. Something you notice about the opposite gender? erm, that they are female? wad kind of qn is this o.0
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? -
30. Favorite Drink? anything alcohol is fine.
31. What is your favorite sport? soccer.
32. Hair Color? black, sadly.
33. Eye Color? black
34. Do you wear contacts? no
35. Favorite Food? stupid qn.
36. Last Movie You Watched? uhhh, i watched national security on axn the other day. in cinemas it'll haf to be........cant rmb. oh yea. deathnote.
37. Favorite Day of the Year? none. christmas maybe.
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? happy. but den again, they arnt even comparable subjects. scary movies can haf happy endings no?
39. Summer or winter? winter. most definitely
40. Hugs or Kisses? i'll tell u when i've had both.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? not sure.
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
44. Living Arrangements? bad.
45. What book are you reading? notin at the moment
46. What is on Your Mouse Pad? the mouse? -.- but no. at the moment i ahf no idea where my mousepad fuckin is, consideirn i don use one, so no idea.
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? last night, meaning fri night, um, alot of stuff. i watched like 3 hrs straight. stupid mtv shows.
48. Favorite Sounds? silence.
49. What is the furthest you've been from home? japan o.0
50. What do you admire about yourself? wads there to admire?
i still maintain, that everything i say, everything i mean.
1. First Name? desmond
2. Were you named after anyone? no -.-
3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes.
4. When did you last cry? considerin its 12.51, meaning its sat, 6 days ago.
5. Do you like your handwriting? fuck no.
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat? wtf is lunchmeat? and meat is meat.
7. What is your birth date? 6/2
8. Mountains or Beach? mountains.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? depeding on who the other person i am is. chances are, no.
10. Do you have a journal? a diary? yah.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? -.-
12. Do you have a nickname? dessy o.0
13. Would you bungee jump? yes. if i could afford it dat is.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? generally not. depends on the shoes/how the laces at tied.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? no, no, no.
16. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? rum and raisin.
17. Shoe Size? 10.5
18, What is your least favorite thing about yourself? if it had to be one thing, its gotta be my brain.
19. Who do you miss most? someone.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? no.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? pants, blue. shoes, colourless.
22. What are you listening to right now? my guitar. in terms of music zombie. alot alot alot of it.
23. Last thing you ate? raisin bread with nutella
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink, but nowadays black.
25. What is the weather? the weather is "the state of the atmosphere with respect to wind, temperature, cloudiness, moisture, pressure, etc."
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? aaron.
28. Something you notice about the opposite gender? erm, that they are female? wad kind of qn is this o.0
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? -
30. Favorite Drink? anything alcohol is fine.
31. What is your favorite sport? soccer.
32. Hair Color? black, sadly.
33. Eye Color? black
34. Do you wear contacts? no
35. Favorite Food? stupid qn.
36. Last Movie You Watched? uhhh, i watched national security on axn the other day. in cinemas it'll haf to be........cant rmb. oh yea. deathnote.
37. Favorite Day of the Year? none. christmas maybe.
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? happy. but den again, they arnt even comparable subjects. scary movies can haf happy endings no?
39. Summer or winter? winter. most definitely
40. Hugs or Kisses? i'll tell u when i've had both.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? not sure.
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
44. Living Arrangements? bad.
45. What book are you reading? notin at the moment
46. What is on Your Mouse Pad? the mouse? -.- but no. at the moment i ahf no idea where my mousepad fuckin is, consideirn i don use one, so no idea.
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? last night, meaning fri night, um, alot of stuff. i watched like 3 hrs straight. stupid mtv shows.
48. Favorite Sounds? silence.
49. What is the furthest you've been from home? japan o.0
50. What do you admire about yourself? wads there to admire?
i still maintain, that everything i say, everything i mean.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
when everything's made to be broken, i just want u to know who i am...
haha. i love iris >.>
wee. my life has gone from meaningless to pointless to down right sad. hahahahaha. now i've fforgotten wad i was tinkin about. oh yes. last nite while i was lying in bed, i had a particular thought. every nite when we sleep, does anyone actually consciously tink that u are killing ureself? or rather at least setting ureself up for death? becos isnt it true? when we sleep we are at our most vulnerable, as we have no conscious knowledge of anything that is happenin to us. every nite we sleep, it could be the last thing that we ever do. isnt that just scary??
i realise alot of things are very scary.
like how one is never able to match up to his or her own potential. to know that it is possible, but to never attain that target. thats scary, stupid, and really irritatin. gah.
ok so i figured my blog is sorely lacking in colour and pics, and hence i shall like put up pics and shit. yay :D
hmmmm. wad to put up. lemme see.
now THATS how to sleep. wtf.
thats another cool way to sleep.
yea. the guy at the back looks uber extra hahahaha.
no comment.
wahahaha. dats a g chord o.0
ok wtf. yea wtf. i shall leave my thinkin for later.
wee. my life has gone from meaningless to pointless to down right sad. hahahahaha. now i've fforgotten wad i was tinkin about. oh yes. last nite while i was lying in bed, i had a particular thought. every nite when we sleep, does anyone actually consciously tink that u are killing ureself? or rather at least setting ureself up for death? becos isnt it true? when we sleep we are at our most vulnerable, as we have no conscious knowledge of anything that is happenin to us. every nite we sleep, it could be the last thing that we ever do. isnt that just scary??
i realise alot of things are very scary.
like how one is never able to match up to his or her own potential. to know that it is possible, but to never attain that target. thats scary, stupid, and really irritatin. gah.
ok so i figured my blog is sorely lacking in colour and pics, and hence i shall like put up pics and shit. yay :D
hmmmm. wad to put up. lemme see.
now THATS how to sleep. wtf.
thats another cool way to sleep.
yea. the guy at the back looks uber extra hahahaha.
no comment.
wahahaha. dats a g chord o.0
ok wtf. yea wtf. i shall leave my thinkin for later.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
i hate it. i know it
i miss having someone to talk to.
u know whats my problem? i tink too much. i make meaning when there is none, and that is never a bad thing. why? now thats another problem. i let myself tink too much. i don distract myself enough. i've got noting to do, cos i don wan to do anything. i'm in shit, but instead if trying to get out, i let myself sink further and further. will i hit a point where i can never ever get out? i don noe yet. i wonder if i'm pushin myself in that direction.
i always believe in my judgement. on my true honest judgement. i don thing that i believe i must, no matter what. and hell i'm willing to face up to the consequences. and i guess pple don really understand, that whilst i have tendencies to lie, to tell half-truths, to wadeva, at the end of the day, i haf certain fundamentals i stand by. and i guess thats prob why i'm so fucked up. i stick to my beliefs to much. warped beliefs, i shld say. but somehow, i cant imagine myself anyway else. i guess not many pple understand.
hahahahahaha.
its so funny. i'm a fence sitter in about every way. i want things, yet i don want them. i mean what i say, yet i don mean what i say. its all like a game. a sick, demented game. yet a game so intriuging, so tempting, its hard to resist. and i cant.
would things have been any better? can things be any better?
over the years, i've been told by many pple that i should change myself. for the better. make myself more likable. more sociable. but do i? of course not. as fucked up as i am, i like me just as i am. i dont want to change jus because its the best thing for me to do. i'm not trying to sound like some punk rebel or anything, even if i may seem to, but i mean thats just how it is. its about believing in ureself isnt it. trusting that ultimately, it is my life, and if i'm to screw up my life, at least i can blame me and only me. theres no such thing as "for the better". better is bullshit. better is compromising ure character, smthn i believe no one shld ever do. we are all individuals, we shld act like individuals, not all submit to some authoritarians ideology and become mindless fucking robots.
i like seeing happy pple. i'm happy for them. for having found smthn to be happy about. yet at the same time i feel sorry for them, cos i know that that happiness will soon run out, that it will eventually end, and then, and then they will fall harder than me. and i feel sorry for them. really.
a photograph is a truly fascinating object. it is one hell of a double edge sword. becos on one hand its a reminder of the good times in the past, and on the other hand its a reminder that the good times of the past are gone. to put it simply. and yet we always wan to take photos. so we're setting ourselves up for this agony no? why?? photos are also very interesting, as they have the ability to do smthn nothing else can, that is, stopping time. time is contantly moving, contantly chaging, and constantly running out. photos are the only way we can, in a sense, stop time. it is of course jus a play on the human mind, but a good one, and a necessary one, nonetheless.
and there i go again, locking up another memory, locking up another poison, locking up yet another knife.
u know whats my problem? i tink too much. i make meaning when there is none, and that is never a bad thing. why? now thats another problem. i let myself tink too much. i don distract myself enough. i've got noting to do, cos i don wan to do anything. i'm in shit, but instead if trying to get out, i let myself sink further and further. will i hit a point where i can never ever get out? i don noe yet. i wonder if i'm pushin myself in that direction.
i always believe in my judgement. on my true honest judgement. i don thing that i believe i must, no matter what. and hell i'm willing to face up to the consequences. and i guess pple don really understand, that whilst i have tendencies to lie, to tell half-truths, to wadeva, at the end of the day, i haf certain fundamentals i stand by. and i guess thats prob why i'm so fucked up. i stick to my beliefs to much. warped beliefs, i shld say. but somehow, i cant imagine myself anyway else. i guess not many pple understand.
hahahahahaha.
its so funny. i'm a fence sitter in about every way. i want things, yet i don want them. i mean what i say, yet i don mean what i say. its all like a game. a sick, demented game. yet a game so intriuging, so tempting, its hard to resist. and i cant.
would things have been any better? can things be any better?
over the years, i've been told by many pple that i should change myself. for the better. make myself more likable. more sociable. but do i? of course not. as fucked up as i am, i like me just as i am. i dont want to change jus because its the best thing for me to do. i'm not trying to sound like some punk rebel or anything, even if i may seem to, but i mean thats just how it is. its about believing in ureself isnt it. trusting that ultimately, it is my life, and if i'm to screw up my life, at least i can blame me and only me. theres no such thing as "for the better". better is bullshit. better is compromising ure character, smthn i believe no one shld ever do. we are all individuals, we shld act like individuals, not all submit to some authoritarians ideology and become mindless fucking robots.
i like seeing happy pple. i'm happy for them. for having found smthn to be happy about. yet at the same time i feel sorry for them, cos i know that that happiness will soon run out, that it will eventually end, and then, and then they will fall harder than me. and i feel sorry for them. really.
a photograph is a truly fascinating object. it is one hell of a double edge sword. becos on one hand its a reminder of the good times in the past, and on the other hand its a reminder that the good times of the past are gone. to put it simply. and yet we always wan to take photos. so we're setting ourselves up for this agony no? why?? photos are also very interesting, as they have the ability to do smthn nothing else can, that is, stopping time. time is contantly moving, contantly chaging, and constantly running out. photos are the only way we can, in a sense, stop time. it is of course jus a play on the human mind, but a good one, and a necessary one, nonetheless.
and there i go again, locking up another memory, locking up another poison, locking up yet another knife.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
the ultra-manipulistic view of human nature
i'm at crossroads again. come to think of it, i always am.
i know, i know, that i am mroe than one person. there are a few mes. i tink everyone has a few thems. the happy them, the sad them, the fuck u them, the fucked up them, everyone has all these thems. what makes pple uniquely different from each other is the predominance of one particular self over the others. much like how 0.1% HCl is diff from 1% HCl is diff from 10% HCl. u noe wad i mean. these different facets of ourselves all coexist side by side, hand in hand, but i don tink they ever overlap. but for me i'm not sure i haf a predominant side. its like, i flit between 2 particular selves very very often, effortlessly. the happy, oh-the-world-rocks-theres-nothing-to-be-sad-about self, to the fuck-the-damn-world-its-full-of-shit self. and its not like one day i'm one and another day i'm another, altho dat is often the case. however, its become quite a common thing for me to switch between these 2 selves in the space of minutes.
i tink it has to do with the environment. the things aorund us. they give these selves reason to exist. ok i need to name these selves things. ok i shall call them......part-selves. yes. well, i tink part-selves are created by our constant interaction with environment. humans are social creatures, i agree, and hence the need for part-selves. to allow us to adapt from one situation to another. i tink its important we realise this about ourselves. that we are not jus one character through and through. well actually we are, as our character is determined by our composition of part-selves. it makes us who we are. and i guess certain environments favour particular part-selves as opposed to others. much like how a deserted island would favour a person with a more predominant survival,savage part-selve than one with a more high class part-selve.
and this brings me to another view point. on human interactions and instances they dont exist. accordin to science, so i hear, happiness is the result of the fine balance of hormones and what not. whilst i cannot dispute this, since my grasp of science is so pathetic its laughable, i offer an alternative view. i believe that happiness is only possible, and hence should be viewed as the state of human nature, that exist when one is distracted. by distracted i mean instances when the individual is unable to question himself, unable to run doubts through his head. these instances include when one is socially interacting, such as hanging out with frens, or when one is involved in adrenaline related activities. this is because the individual is thus unable to "think" in the sense, where he is but just acting, jus doing things. this, is happiness.
i take a very pessimistic view of human nature. i believe that the natural state of human nature is one of sadness, loneliness, of despair, and ultimately of depression. when we are alone, when we are allowed to think, when we use our capability to reflect, that is when we see, understand, and feel sadness. i would in fact go as far as saying that humans suffer because of their abillity to think, their abillity to reason. because of our naturally pessimistic ways, when we reason, we can only ever reason things to be negative. things cannot be good, cannot be happy, cannot be right. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
i tink the greatest achievement one can attain in life, is to estabilish a means not to counter, but to adapt this naturaly pessimistic human nature in such a way it works. we cannot try to be happy all the time, yet we must not allow ourselves to be sad all the time. we must find a way to turn some of our sadness to happiness, yet we must retain some pessimistic ways, to remind us of reality.
this is why i wan to be a psychologist. i feel that it is the one profession that allows for this. because u are able to take other pple's pesismistic thoughts and feelings, and manipulate it in such a way to make the person feel, or at least believe he feels, happier. in a sense, it is stopping a thinking individual from thinking. albeit temporary, but smthn is better den nothing. becuase in this case, nothing condemns the individual to eternal suffering. and as a psychologist, one prob is able to obtain a certain amount of pleasure out of helping others, yet one can delve deeper and deeper into the human mind. isnt that just fascinating?
and whats more? it makes one powerful. and i tink thats what we crave for more than anything else. power.
of course, everything could be absolute rubbish, we could just be living in a virtual hyperreality, and to top things all off, the world may not even exist. now dig that, sucker.
i know, i know, that i am mroe than one person. there are a few mes. i tink everyone has a few thems. the happy them, the sad them, the fuck u them, the fucked up them, everyone has all these thems. what makes pple uniquely different from each other is the predominance of one particular self over the others. much like how 0.1% HCl is diff from 1% HCl is diff from 10% HCl. u noe wad i mean. these different facets of ourselves all coexist side by side, hand in hand, but i don tink they ever overlap. but for me i'm not sure i haf a predominant side. its like, i flit between 2 particular selves very very often, effortlessly. the happy, oh-the-world-rocks-theres-nothing-to-be-sad-about self, to the fuck-the-damn-world-its-full-of-shit self. and its not like one day i'm one and another day i'm another, altho dat is often the case. however, its become quite a common thing for me to switch between these 2 selves in the space of minutes.
i tink it has to do with the environment. the things aorund us. they give these selves reason to exist. ok i need to name these selves things. ok i shall call them......part-selves. yes. well, i tink part-selves are created by our constant interaction with environment. humans are social creatures, i agree, and hence the need for part-selves. to allow us to adapt from one situation to another. i tink its important we realise this about ourselves. that we are not jus one character through and through. well actually we are, as our character is determined by our composition of part-selves. it makes us who we are. and i guess certain environments favour particular part-selves as opposed to others. much like how a deserted island would favour a person with a more predominant survival,savage part-selve than one with a more high class part-selve.
and this brings me to another view point. on human interactions and instances they dont exist. accordin to science, so i hear, happiness is the result of the fine balance of hormones and what not. whilst i cannot dispute this, since my grasp of science is so pathetic its laughable, i offer an alternative view. i believe that happiness is only possible, and hence should be viewed as the state of human nature, that exist when one is distracted. by distracted i mean instances when the individual is unable to question himself, unable to run doubts through his head. these instances include when one is socially interacting, such as hanging out with frens, or when one is involved in adrenaline related activities. this is because the individual is thus unable to "think" in the sense, where he is but just acting, jus doing things. this, is happiness.
i take a very pessimistic view of human nature. i believe that the natural state of human nature is one of sadness, loneliness, of despair, and ultimately of depression. when we are alone, when we are allowed to think, when we use our capability to reflect, that is when we see, understand, and feel sadness. i would in fact go as far as saying that humans suffer because of their abillity to think, their abillity to reason. because of our naturally pessimistic ways, when we reason, we can only ever reason things to be negative. things cannot be good, cannot be happy, cannot be right. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
i tink the greatest achievement one can attain in life, is to estabilish a means not to counter, but to adapt this naturaly pessimistic human nature in such a way it works. we cannot try to be happy all the time, yet we must not allow ourselves to be sad all the time. we must find a way to turn some of our sadness to happiness, yet we must retain some pessimistic ways, to remind us of reality.
this is why i wan to be a psychologist. i feel that it is the one profession that allows for this. because u are able to take other pple's pesismistic thoughts and feelings, and manipulate it in such a way to make the person feel, or at least believe he feels, happier. in a sense, it is stopping a thinking individual from thinking. albeit temporary, but smthn is better den nothing. becuase in this case, nothing condemns the individual to eternal suffering. and as a psychologist, one prob is able to obtain a certain amount of pleasure out of helping others, yet one can delve deeper and deeper into the human mind. isnt that just fascinating?
and whats more? it makes one powerful. and i tink thats what we crave for more than anything else. power.
of course, everything could be absolute rubbish, we could just be living in a virtual hyperreality, and to top things all off, the world may not even exist. now dig that, sucker.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
a subra of a post
ok so i figured after readin subra's post i shld also look at my most played list. itunes they haf the top 25 played thing, and its actually quite cool.
pause.
1. headspin - rise electric, 133. no surprise.
2. headpin (rockstar supernova) - lukas rossi, 100. erm, yea. nice number :D
3. runaway train - soul asylum, 76. aha. i love this song. too much i tink. its very depressing.
4. rebel yell (live acoustic) - billy idol, 75. zomg the crazy song. bahhhhhh.
5. work - jimmy eat world, 71. haha. this song was top of the list for a very long time. wee.
6. blind - lifehouse, 70. this is there prob cos of my lifehoues phase, where i was listening to blind and spin on replay or smthn.
7. spin - lifehouse, 66. see above.
8. nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics, 63. if u haven heard this song, u deserve to DIE. but den this song i figured if i listened to it more den 10 times in a row i might actually really cry, so yea.
9. memory (acoustic) - sugarcult, 58. hahahahaha. another phase, where i basically listened to this song non-stop.
10. hate me - blue october, 56. definitely the hate me phase. nothing else to it. i hardly listen to this song anymore.
11. pieces - sum 41, 54. actually this song is very old. i was listenin to it alot last yr i tink, when it was a whole lot more, apt.
12. rebell yell (rockstar supernova) - toby rand, 54. hahahaha. i rmb this one. it was one wed night where basically i was up till 3am head banging to this song \m/
13. history - funeral for a friend, 53. the history/curses phase. and prob also another emo phase. its passed.
14. trees (rockstar inxs) - marty casey, 53. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) weeeeeeee.
15. iris - goo goo dolls, 52. haha. this was way back. nowadays i'm jus playin iris on guitar ALOT. which i guess is reasonable considerin we're playin it for prom lol.
16. sweet child - guns n roses, 51. another phase. the zomg gnr phase. wayyyy past.
17. curses - bullet for my valentine, 50. see history/13.
18. dont cry - gnr, 49. see 16.
19. diary of jane - breaking benjamin, 48. i don listen to it dat much nowadays, when i do i listen to all bb songs.
20. zombie (acoustic) - the cranberries, 48. its jus the damn song. i can listen to it a million times and still love it.
altho i tink this list isnt accurate. cos nowadays i'm not listenin to itunes dat much. sadly nowadays i'm playin wc/dota more. which is very pathetic. altho if i used my ipod as a true reflection, i tink there'll only be like 5 songs or smthn. recently, when i leave the house i tend to listen to nothing but zombie, memory, iris, iris live, zombie acoustic, warmness on the soul, yea. dats about it. damn. my grammer is teh suxxorz.
pause.
1. headspin - rise electric, 133. no surprise.
2. headpin (rockstar supernova) - lukas rossi, 100. erm, yea. nice number :D
3. runaway train - soul asylum, 76. aha. i love this song. too much i tink. its very depressing.
4. rebel yell (live acoustic) - billy idol, 75. zomg the crazy song. bahhhhhh.
5. work - jimmy eat world, 71. haha. this song was top of the list for a very long time. wee.
6. blind - lifehouse, 70. this is there prob cos of my lifehoues phase, where i was listening to blind and spin on replay or smthn.
7. spin - lifehouse, 66. see above.
8. nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics, 63. if u haven heard this song, u deserve to DIE. but den this song i figured if i listened to it more den 10 times in a row i might actually really cry, so yea.
9. memory (acoustic) - sugarcult, 58. hahahahaha. another phase, where i basically listened to this song non-stop.
10. hate me - blue october, 56. definitely the hate me phase. nothing else to it. i hardly listen to this song anymore.
11. pieces - sum 41, 54. actually this song is very old. i was listenin to it alot last yr i tink, when it was a whole lot more, apt.
12. rebell yell (rockstar supernova) - toby rand, 54. hahahaha. i rmb this one. it was one wed night where basically i was up till 3am head banging to this song \m/
13. history - funeral for a friend, 53. the history/curses phase. and prob also another emo phase. its passed.
14. trees (rockstar inxs) - marty casey, 53. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) weeeeeeee.
15. iris - goo goo dolls, 52. haha. this was way back. nowadays i'm jus playin iris on guitar ALOT. which i guess is reasonable considerin we're playin it for prom lol.
16. sweet child - guns n roses, 51. another phase. the zomg gnr phase. wayyyy past.
17. curses - bullet for my valentine, 50. see history/13.
18. dont cry - gnr, 49. see 16.
19. diary of jane - breaking benjamin, 48. i don listen to it dat much nowadays, when i do i listen to all bb songs.
20. zombie (acoustic) - the cranberries, 48. its jus the damn song. i can listen to it a million times and still love it.
altho i tink this list isnt accurate. cos nowadays i'm not listenin to itunes dat much. sadly nowadays i'm playin wc/dota more. which is very pathetic. altho if i used my ipod as a true reflection, i tink there'll only be like 5 songs or smthn. recently, when i leave the house i tend to listen to nothing but zombie, memory, iris, iris live, zombie acoustic, warmness on the soul, yea. dats about it. damn. my grammer is teh suxxorz.
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