knn gg

well effing done. i am liked, the one armed retard right now.

fuck anything that is everything

i am in a bad mood. fucking hell. i want to kill someone right now. parents suck. seriously. i want to stab my mom sooooo badly, its not even funny anymore. everything's just so fucking screwed up. its not fair, it really isnt. here i am, trying to juggle my already very messed up life, and there they are further complicating things. i mean, i hate it so much right now. piano has just become something, meaningless and pointless. just sittign in front of the damn thing, i don even feel like playing the stuff i normally do. it just repulses me right now. so fuckign screwed up. fuck sia i am so going to fail the damn exams just for the hell of it. and i mean its a double edged sword. fail it and they can give me all kinds of shit, do this and that, say what i never work hard enough all that fucking bullshit. pass it and they'll give me the i told u so lecture. fuck them. fuck them.

i want to run away. really.

wah ah ah ah

i feel damn fucking stupid and retarded.

lost like tears in the rain

my skin is slowly but surely peeling away.

freaking wonderful

why must life be so goddamn fucking screwed up? i miss time. in general.

yes i think i might possibly maybe be stressing out. fucking hell.

bloodstone pingpong

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.

everyday is an eye-opening experience, whether we like it or not. sometimes, it hurts. sometimes, it makes us happier than we can possibly imagine. but we always learn. we must. i think its the only way we can really move it.

someone must comphrehend this pain.
come now, save me with your torturous beauty...

crossed hearts and dotted souls

it makes a lot of difference i have come to realise. whoever thought it could be this way.

i'm not sure if i like it this way.
maybe in awhile i might know.
suddenly, life seems so, busy.
everything's rushing by, time never seem to stop anymore.
and at the moment, its uncomfortable.
i spent the greater part of my past 2 yrs living in something of a slow-mo world.
everything passed slowly, dull, boring,
nothing.
and now suddenly everything seems to have burst into life.
when last time i looked for things to fill my time,
now i'm looking for time to fit my things.
its ironic, strange, weird, confusing.
sometimes i think that i need all the stupid stuff,
all the lame, irritating, meaningless stuff.
the irony of it all is that it still is, running away.
either way i look at it,
its somehow always amounts to the same thing.
i guess everyone has their own ways of dealing with things,
dealing with life.
some settle for getting by,
some settle for nothing less than the best.
either way, we're all still settling for something.

we're all living in a tv screen.
black, white, everything else in between.
in the end, it all doesnt matter.
making sense of ourselves equates to nothing.
afterall, we're just images on a damn tv screen.

and if she makes me smile, is it forever worthwhile?

the middle

it just takes some time

its been a long time coming. ironic as it is, its always been this, guarded. its been safe, too safe maybe. i guess once in awhile we just got to take a chance. lay everything on the line, whatever the consequences may be. afterall, thats what living the moment is about isnt it?

shit i am in deep shit. i've got so much to do, so little time. everthing suddenly seems to be closing in, becoming more real. i've got mono to worry about, sch work, missing production, jamming, floorball, so many other things. sometimes i wonder if i can take it. just what am i doing to myself? am i pushing myself just to see where i will break? is that what i really want?

i want to break free...

but you can never leave

i guess in a way its a good way to end it all.
one last expedition.
afterall, the past 2 yrs have been all about that, expeditions.
running here, running there,
chasing after stuff, etc etc.
in a way its a form of closure for me.
i mean, yes its strange, slightly weird,
but all in all, necessary.
so say hello to my goodbye.

often, i ask myself,
is it because i want to be like that?
am i seeking attention i know i cannot get?
or is it just, i dunno,
something comfortable i can slip into.
i think its more of the latter den the former.
its been a long time coming.
i cant say i've lost hope in the world and everything around me.
its more accurate to say i'm losing hope,
yet at the same time i'm still clinging on to some.
my life is a freaking paradox i swear.
so i suppose its just the way i am,
or rather the way i've become.
this mould, its become so comfortable,
so me.

did you ever care enough to ask,
whether those words meant enough for every two of us.
plodding along with this life so bare,
hoping that maybe someday,
someone could actually be there.
to make every circle seem so square,
change every shade of grey to blue.
but its a farce u see,
this whole, hope, thing.
those who bother must be those who really dare.

yep yep yep

yep. its changing. i know it. i can feel it. i can sense it. and somehow, i think so can they.

oooh

you dont have to say, cos its so, like, duh

ah hah! i am happy. and high. which is new.

whoopeedoo.

dont we all

in this world of make believe

we can ask why.
we can ask how.
we can ask when.
we cant ask who.

and so it begins

indeed, indeed.

hate.

yep. someone guess just how i feel. three guesses to get it right. one, two, three. now die. *gunshot*

monkey in the wrench

and i guess, suddenly it seems so different, yet familiar all the same.

my life is one big fat goddamn irony.

the funny thing is, i dont think anyone is living in denial any more so than myself. i dunno but it seems everything i do, after i think about it, it never is the same. theres always something more, or something less. something i meant, something i didnt.

i realise i like talking in circles.

in a way, it sort of has a demented, sick way of all working out somehow. i mean, at that point in time i dont think we see it, but looking back, everything seems to fall in place. somehow. and i suppose, i'm just waiting, hoping, that it'll be that way.

yet sometimes, the best aint quite good enough.

hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

i guess there will come a time

its the absolute stupidity of it all

i realise, if just once, i could follow everything that i tell others, if i could take my own advice, if i could do everything i say i want to, i'd be good. in a strange, funky good sorta way. you think?

if i could just run away

in a way, its worse like that.
i knew it was going to be like that,
and i suppose i thought i'd be mentally prepared for it again,
and yet it is still overwhelming me,
like it has before,
and i guess it always will.

i suppose its meant to be,
a test maybe?
and i suppose there is always more than one side of things.
in a sense, it oculd be a test of our own character,
a way of challenging oneself,
to push one's own limits.
and i think its when we really find out about ourselves.
we then know jus how far we are willing to go,
just how much we're willing to risk,
just for that one chance.

just for that one chance.

what do i fear the most?

i guess because its so damn simple, its so insanely difficult.

wa lau *#!%#&%

fucking hell. i never thought it'd be this damn tiring, and i guess i've been proven wrong. the past few weeks i've just been so damn exhausted whenever i get home. its like, come home, eat, bathe, on comp, play guitar (recently), stone, flutter in and out of consciousness, sleep. knn. i've got no energy to do anything at all.

argh. and i still cant believe i spent 20hrs of my wkend in sch. which means i spent 5/12 of my wkend in sch. wtf.

ARGH.

i need time to think. i need time alone. i need time to work myself out. i need time to figure things out. i need time to compose myself. i need time to evaluate myself. I FUCKING NEED TIME.

ugh

i've totally forgotten what i wanted to blog about. damn.

oh yea i rmb now. i never ever thought i'd ever have to say "i'll be in sch from 7-6 on sunday" EVER. but wtf i am saying it now. its kinda crazy, its kinda freaky, kinda scary, but its real. liek omg.

and the magic word is: jaded.

i'm walking on, walking on

it was a crappy feeling.
but i guess we all gotta deal.
hard times, they fall on us when we least expect it,
and yet, i think in some way we all need to mentally prepare ourselves,
for the worse.
i want to all move on.

if you'd just hold on

first of all, PEOPLE whoever you are who may possibly read this, DONT add me on friendster. i will not accept any more friends. hell i'm never going to friendster ever again. or any other networking shit. if u want to talk to me, msn works. i mean, i think its FUCKING stupid for people to add me on friendster even though i dont really know them (more so for my account before it got wiped out). i mean, its just plain fucking reatarded. its like, "OMGZZZ I GOT LIKE SHHO MANY FRENZZ WORHXZZ". go and die, lah.

anyway, moving on.

i'm not fated with fate. seriously. i've always been delt a crappy hand, no matter where i go, even if this feels like a path to escape, it never is. cos when the path opens up into the concrete wasteland, the same phantoms come back to haunt me. different forms, different shapes, but its all the same. and i think somehow, i know i'm going to end up with people i dont want, people i detest or will detest. after all, its always been that case, ever since i was young. and why would that change? could i be that naive?

i dont want you.
i hate you.
i absolutely detest you with every bit of my heart.
but i'm too nice to hurt you.
i'm too kind to want to break you.
i'm too weak to watch you suffer.
so you just go on like you do,
while i stand back, laugh, mock, weep, cringe,
clench my fist and stab away at thin air,
just for you.

maybe just for once

the truth is, i'm afraid.

to happy or not to happy?

the truth is,
i cant tell you the truth.
why?
because i even convince myself its true.
how then am i supposed to be able to tell you?
you can ask me all you want,
but the truth is,
i'm not hiding anything.
i'm just hiding from myself.
dont you see?
theres nothing to tell. at all.

haha. its all just so screwed up isnt it? i mean, i know i can, if i really try, but i doubt anyone will ever see it. i doubt anyone can accept me for anything other then who i am. this mould, this role, i've created for myself, and now its coming back to haunt me like it always has. i dont like it this way, but at least i feel safe. at least in some ways i can deal. lie and lie over and over again, until it becomes my truth. until it becomes the truth.

you know, its not that i dont want it.
its just, i'm not sure i can.
i'm not sure i can be anything other then who i am.
i'm afraid of judgement,
i'm afraid of rejection.

hur. i never thought char's script would be this...apt.

and in a sense its true.
i really cant help feeling this is all that i have.
this is all that will ever be.
i mean, no one really cares do they?
i think too much, i do too little.
its my way of torturing myself.
yet i od it all the same.
i guess sometimes i feel that i just dont have any other alternatives.

"i want to make sure that i do everything just right, because i dont want to look back and regret not having been more careful, or not having made a big enough effort. i just want to be happy."

i'm living on cliches.
so much so my life has turned into one.

me me me, its all about me

i'm not sure why, but i think i hate friendster. theres something so reatarded about it imo. i mean, what's the point of being connected to like a million people, and all they do is view pics of you cam whoring, read your profile for like the 7-millionth time, and write testimonials like "omgggg i lubb u worzzz xoxoxoxo". its all kinda lame. i just dont get it. really, i BEG someone to just come enlighten me on the point of friendster.

someone to make me happy, someone to make me care.

absolutely totally

huimin deserves to die. she wants to hit me with a gun, she "cant wait to inflict bodily harm on [me]", and she like hasnt eaten 7/8 of the food in this world. she hates pineapple tarts. and i dunno wad else. grr humin die!

lets make the best time of our lives

i'm rediscovering my love for the calling.

and i am pissed with myself. very very much. yesterday's rehearsal was amazingly bad. i'm not sure what was wrong, but it just felt totally fucked up. i think one reason could be that the last wk has been so intensive, with tsd and all, that i havent really looked at the script much. sigh.

sorry char.

sleeping on deadvines

i am fucking tired.

lifes been so messy, so hectic, so crazy, i think it might possibly be getting to me.

and maybe, just maybe...

this and that, he, she, dont we all? i guess we will always say a little prayer.

to the stars we look, hoping to find a way out...

might i crack under the stress?

to fall, and then to rise again through the dust and metal sheets...

and lose it all.

when it all means something

i'm terrible with words.

i think the best way to describe it all is that life's left me, jaded. i think it all really started to get real bad since ip. i mean of course some part of it can be put down to puberty and what not, but really, the things that have transpired, its left me the way i am. and i suppose the thing about it all is that our character, our personality, its shaped by all these. it just so happens i've been so jaded. in some way i've been jealous, forever longing for things i cannot have, and its caused me to become so skeptical and wary of things. and on the other hand, i guess i've also been through stuff, experiences, that has changed me. and the funny thing is, i suppose both having stuff and not having stuff has led me to become who i am today.

not that anyone knows.
not that it matters.

coffee

there are so many things i want.
so many things i cannot have.
i guess its a lesson i'm learning to deal with.

do i have a choice?

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
its so fucking fake,
so terribly pretentious.
all of it. and its horrible.
the worst part is,
i'm fully aware of it happening.
and yet, i'm not sure i could deal with it in any other way.
everything's so fragile,
so weak, so many ifs. its fucking scary to think that,
someday, we're all going to be the same.
we're all going to go around fucking things up,
meddling in things that dont matter,
its all hopelessly stupid.
and yet,
i doubt anyone could accept it in any other way.

seeking a correlation in life

sigh. this is so screwed up.
my life is a circular, cyclical mess.
and i think in a way its stopping me from moving on.
i might come to hate myself for this.
who's to say?

its scary, yet stupid, yet simple, yet irritating.
i mean, being me is so screwed up.

i dont think i've ever dealt with myself like that before.
dwelving into my fears,
trying to understand them,
to see how they affect the way i live.
and it does scare me.
i guess there are alot of things i'm afraid off.
is being afraid a natural human instinct?
do we then instinctively shut ourselves away?
i dont think i've ever taken my self apart,
broken my self down and put it all back together,
the way i have recently done.

i guess alot of everything that is,
its not really a matter of me believing in them.
its just i guess i've never experienced it,
or that i've had horrible experiences with it,
and it just makes me cynical.
and full of doubt.
it makes me judgemental.
and whilst its something i have come to live with,
i'm not sure how much longer i can survive this way.
if it carries on the way it is,
i'm not going to have very much left anymore.

i suppose there are many things i want.
many things i cannot have.
somehow i think who i am,
and who i think i am,
i think they are possibly very different people.

its stupid how i can keep asking questions,
questions i'm not sure i can answer,
i'm not sure i can find the answers.
all these questioning, doubting,
it affects the way i deal with things.
i judge things.
i dont think i exactly love to do it or what,
its just its become to natural, so
instinctive.
and it hurts.

i realise its all very self-sustaining.
everything seems to have a way of coming back to itself.
my life is a circular argument with no beginning or end.
and i dont know.
could i live without all these thoughts,
all these worries, all these issues?
why do i even bother?
i think its a way of seeking comfort.
i drown myself with my own thoughts,
so in a way i dont have to think.
i suppose i think about all these circular,
resolution-less stuff,
just so i can distract myself from the things that truly matter.
and just for that moment there,
i thought finally, maybe this could change it all.
but i suppose no, i was wrong.
life goes on.

i am not afraid to keep on living

optimism is sometimes so scary.
it makes me wonder if there are people out there who really believe.
people who really have reasons, things to be happy about.
and i'm jealous.

i guess, in a sense i think i'm ready to deal. i'm just not sure i can.

walk down this lonely path

its a feeling i cant seem to shake

i am convinced theres something out there,
something we dont quite understand.
something that makes the impossible happen,
something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.
have you ever wondered,
why sometimes reality seems so artificial,
sometimes the artificial seems so real,
so much so you cant decide any more.
your head's spinning out of control,
and you dont know where to go.
and of course,
no one's ever there to save you.

its quite funny. it never seemed to be like that, but i suppose deep down it was. i think for very long i was never really ready to accep that, never really ready to deal with it. and now i dont have much of a choice do i?

why you why me

the tightenin of my chest.
the constant urge to eat.
the lack of any hunger.
the urge to punch something.
the need to just distract myself,
so i dont have to think.

trechcoat over my head.

life is pervertic. seriously. life seriously just LOVES to come fuck with me when i'm feeling crappy. i never thought gold 90 could get me depressed, but again i was wrong. i cant believe it. the stupid radio can play 3 horribly cheesy corny crappy songs in succession, and everytime i'd just groan and try to shut it out. and today? it made me feel even worse. grrr. fuck you life.

why??

i dont think i've ever felt this useless before.

cringing the way i am

i hate it, living in this limbo i am in. its neither here not there, everywhere, yet nowhere. its sucks to be so unsure. to realise that maybe, just maybe, everything i've ever believed in may not be true after all.

and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.

the brutality of honesty

today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.

(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.

i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.

theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?

tomorrow

theres something econs lectures. i dunno. its a condusive thinking environment i guess. i came out with 2 script ideas. haha.

i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

heh

happy 17th huh.

to be.

yes i have realised just how little time i have to think these days. everythings so fast, constantly moving ahead, moving forward, no one really takes time out to consider the past. and i guess i dont want to be caught up in that never ending forward pursuit, without looking back. it becomes a chore. i want to be able to sit down, all by myself, and just think. about everything, anything. to strip away all the superficiality, all the facades, all the borrowed clothing, all the painted masks, strip it all away, and deal with everything that's left. i guess the scary thought would be that maybe theres nothing left. maybe its all that i really ever have.

i am very disturbed by deja vus.

wishing for things i never had

i guess with each passing day, i'm realising how absurd life really is. beneath the lies we tell ourselves, there lies something that resembles something of a truth. but who really cares? we're all so happy just the way it is.

this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.

i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.

i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

shole

sigh. i am tired. very very tired. schools sucking up all my life's energy. theres just something about the fricking lts. (char: yea i tink ure rite about ure whole conspiracy thing). grrr.

school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)

i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating

all these things that i've done

you know, all these doing and not thinking is doing me a hell lot of good. nowadays, i'm so damn fucking busy i hardly have time to think anymore. and i guess its not a bad thing. i mean, i'm just too tired everyday. come home, i realise i dont have much energy to do anything. but it might be a good thing, cos then i wont be constantly brooding and thinking about all the what-ifs and all that shit. not like last yr. and in some sense, its actually liberating.

i miss v14

today it struck me, just how much i miss v14. and i am somewhat surprised it took me this long. i mean yes i do miss the class, but today it really struck me just how much i miss them. i mean, i guess its also cos we spent 2 years together, and we've only been with our new class for a month. and also i guess everyone's all still caught up in their sec sch past. but really, i miss 14 very much.

i mean we all had went through alot. gossiping, bitching, hating, issues, fun, laughter, insanity, everything. and i dunno. it just totally struck me today. just, talking.

poster of my life

time doesnt heal any wounds. time numbs them, so much so we forget they are there. but then something comes along, to rip those wounds right apart, to unleash the pain, the suffering, the hurt. and then the blood of history begins to flow.

brother

its the sad reality of it all anway.

the personal response of the critical mind and the critical response of the personal mind

its the sad sad reality that rules my life.
i'm always wandering around,
lost, searching, feeling.

its so funny, how things always have a way of happening. its the horrifying reality of my past coming back to haunt me, literally stalking me, drilling holes in the back of my head, yet i cannot see. i cant get myself to stare it straight in the eye. i cant deal. and its killing me, you see.

theres something really fascinating about unplugged songs.

growing old takes time.

i'm bitter. thats all.

me and my little girl

i have complexes.

first, i have a stalker complex. not that i've stalked anyone yet, but i know i can. i have this thing about observing people, noting every single thing they do. and wanting to know everything about them. its quite scary really. and all these stalking plans keep running through my head, so tempting, at the same time so scary.

secondly, i have an elitist complex. its like, once in awhile, i'll feel that everyone around me is just so, stupid. and pointless, and useless, and absolutely worthless. i have these moments, and i totally hate myself for it. its like, suddenly everyone kind of disappears, and theres me left in my own little bubble, looking down on everyone else, thinking i'm so damn fucking great, when i guess the truth is, i'm not.

oh well. we all gotta live with who we are i guess.

fucking msn

wad the hell. msn is being absolutely effin gay.

the death of the conversational evangelist

it seems that things always have a way of happening,
history always repeats itself.
maybe its just me, everywhere i go,
i bring along this luggage,
this negative energy,
that makes me want to do as i do.

and i saw stars and lighting flash across the sky

its not that i want to be like that.
sometimes, i'm not sure i'm given a choice.
things stick, u see.
labels stick.

and i wonder, do i even want to try?
though i may tell myself i do,
do i actually mean what i say?
or am i jus lying to myself,
trying to make myself believe that things will change,
when in fact they wont.

i think its qutie damn scary,
our whole life we're wondering if we actually exist,
and in death we wonder if we really lived.
whos to say?

who's gonna stop us now?

what does it mean to be happy?
i mean, people are all happy and shit,
but does anyone know what happiness is?
i'm not sure i do,
and i wonder if anyone can give me some kind of answer.
we all have our moments, when we feel like nothing could stop us,
nothing could get us down,
but these moments, are they real?
do we truly feel happy in times like these?
or are we just kidding ourselves,
imagining our happiness so we dont have to face the
true bleakness of reality.
i guess, once in awhile we all have to kid ourselves.
to be happy, to be sad, to be angry,
which is the biggest lie of them all?

to be or not to be. that isnt a question.

i have learnt that:

i need to look up more. serious this is pretty much screwing with my acting.

i should always reply, even if tis the most trivial thing in the world. i guess of them high strung people just gotta know.

its funny. bus 31 travels the route of my life. from my hse to toa payoh, it passes my kindergarden, vs, vj, tao nan, kong hwa. weird really.

inguinity

laughter is infectious.
happiness is infectious.
is sadness then infectious?

and what if we all died tonite?

we could all live happily ever after.
live in blissful ignorance.
believe everything to be all right.
that things will somehow work themselves out,
like they always do.
we could be happy,
we can laugh, joke life away,
but ultimately,
we'd be living a lie.
one many people are willing to live,
but a lie nonetheless.
who dares to try?

i've been dwelling for too long. in some ways, i've lost the ability to feel happy. its like, everday i'm living in limbo. yes i can be something, like be high or be happy or be sad or whatever, but AM i happy? i'm not. and i dont know how to make myself rediscover that emotion. i guess i need for something to happen. something i can do, and probably something i can succeed in. like winning something, or taking part in something, or just doing something. i'm not sure i've found that thing yet. there are some things that may do, but not yet. and i'm just hoping in these few months i might discover something that'll let me feel happy again.

there's this strange buzzing

theres this strange buzzing between my ears.
its defeaning, yet i hear no sound.
it hurts, yet i feel no pain.
theres something, but i cant feel it.
but i know.

theres this strange buzzing among my eyes.
it blurs the very vision i thought i have.
i blink, each blink a torture in itself.
i can feel my eyelids yearning for each other,
seeking the comfort that is familiar.
who's to say?

theres this strange buzzing running through my hair.
its there, but i dont feel my hair move.
the smell of my hair wax drifts around,
i can taste the sweetness in the air.
poison lurks where we least expect it.
but at least i'm aware.

that theres this strange buzzing,
somewhere.

i am like SO going to fail lit and ki. i have lost all ability to construct a proper english sentence, let alone a paragraph, let alone an essay. i'm SO dead. really. btw that reall isnt a sentence. neither was that one. neither is this one.

who's to say i'll never die?

07a12 is highly amusing. seriously. i guess its a strange feeling, after spending 2 years in vj. everything feels the same, yet so different. i mean, the place is the same, but the people are different. and i guess the system now is very different too. like how i haf to get use to spending half my day in school sitting around playing murderer listenin to britney spears and eating. and mr chan sucks, lah.

i guess i'm expecting too much too soon.
if we all gave each other time,
would it all be alright?

funniest shit ever

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMaHELOabcY

owned

deformed muscles ((((:

its the irony of it all,
minute after minute,
hour after hour,
staring at a screen,
believing that it means something.
believing that its actually worth it.
when in fact, it isnt.
all it is, it's wasting time away.
wasting this life away.
burning up the seconds,
slowly, ticking, ticking,
like a stream never to flow again.
to the end, and never back.

to think, to think it might actually end up somewhere...

if death is inevitable, who's to say life isnt?

the truth is, they wont be there when you need them.

i guess i must learn to be less judgemental. after all, i'm not sure how much we can and/or should trust our first impressions. theres just too many things affecting our judgement. and we dont even know them yet.

its a little game i'm playing with myself. sort of like playing twister, except just with myself. and in a way, its fun, yet at the same time i'm punishing myself. and hey, i tell myself its fun, but is it? is it worth it?

if things had no answers, then we wouldnt have questions to ask.

my bed of roses

i seek solace

in things i dont understand.
in things i cant do.
in things i dont want to say.
in people i'll never trust.
in everything that isnt what it seems to be.

after all, we are all living a lie.
the truth is nothing more then a well packaged lie.

at the core of everything else,
i think we'll all eventually lose ourselves.
to something we'll never understand.

how do i ever look at this the same way again?

i guess its the inevitable. its going to happen sooner or later, we just got to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it i guess. i mean, i dunno maybe its just me or something, but like no matter where i am, its always there. and we just gotta deal i guess. we cant keep running away, or lying to ourselves that everything's perfect, or that it wont happen. we'd be living a lie. and i guess, i just dont want that to happen. its takes too much out of me.

i need a little bit of faith

just what do i have to fucking do?
everything i do is wrong.
i'm always the one causing trouble,
the one being unreasonable,
the one making things difficult for everyone,
the one who doesnt know how to follow rules.
i'm always the one doing things for the sake of defiance.
i'm awlays the one who doesnt understand basic rules.
the one who doesnt know that nature defines everything.
i mean thats just fucking bullshit.
and what the hell am i suppose to do?
i try to reason, no. cannot.
things must have a conclusion.
just finish it since i've fucking started.
i mean like fuck you lah.
waste your own fucking money its not my damn fuckign problem.
i've decided i won fucking care anymore.
its just a waste off my goddamn time.
i'm just hoping i've got enough means to vent my frustrations,
until i can finally get away from this screwed up place called home.
i want to run away so badly.
more than anything else in this world,
i want freedom.
from everything i am, everything i mite be.

angel crossed

i'm drifting around like a poor misguided fool.
listening to the voices of aimless angels.
telling me it aint over, dont surrender,
little do they know, it already is over.
over, before it had even started.

i'm hopelessly entrenched in this sea of deceit,
swimming around, not knowing where i'm headed.
drowning, bit by bit,
as the energy drifts slowly out of my body.
everywhere i turn, its the same familiar darkness,
the same chilling waters,
the same stale, cold air.

i guess the truth is, no one really understand.
no one ever will.
its pointless.

its so easy you know,
getting in and out of character.
its casual even, cause its happening too often.
i've been made to paly a part i'm not sure i want,
but i dont have much choice.
i volunteered after all.
i guess i'm chasing that sense of liberation.
of being able to be me,
without actually opening myself up to get hurt.

i need something to occupy myself.
to stop myself from constantly brooding,
constantly dwelling deeper and deeper inside,
i'm afraid i'll lose myself,
to my fears.

i need...something.
anything, that means something.
that means enough.
enough for me to care.
enough for me to dare.

back back back to the disaster

its that strange familiar feeling rushing over me.
a little bit of nostalgia, a slight tinge of fear.
even when i close my eyes i still can see,
the envy, the lies, everything's so clear.
wondering if all these is meant to be,
god's little way of toying with my heart.
break it up, put it back, let it be,
its all just a joke played in the dark.

u see. i cant rhyme -.-

i'm scared which becomes more of me. is this but an act? is who i can be anything like who i am? i'm not sure which is better. to stay in my comfortable suit, or to go out and buy some new clothes. i guess in a way i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of letting go, after i've grown so comfortable wearing these clothes, fond of them even. and if and when these clothes are snatched away from me, i've got 2 choices. get new clothes, or go naked. i'm gettin new clothes.

i hope they're nice

she makes me wanna chop my arms off

i am:

superficial
vain
proud
idealistic
paranoid
dumb
mildly insane
schizo
saddistic
obsessive
demented
moral-less
tactless
fake
poseur
ignorrant
arrogant
scared.

NOW. whos gonna believe who i am not?

happy bday to the world

surprisingly, my new year has been relatively good. considerin in 7 days of bloggin, my post have been relatively happy. or not terribly depressing and shit. well i guess, its just 7 days. the year is a long one, filled with long 7 day periods. time to take charge, RAWR!

i'm not crazy i'm juat a little unwell

i guess its scary when the real and the not so real become, well, indistinguishable. i'm jus afraid i wont know where the line is for me to cross.

and it all always has a start and an end

i have learnt from orientation 1:

first impressions count. but not much.

ignorrance is bliss. false ignorrance is ignorrance nonetheless.

i'm best when i'm fucking high, or fucking emo.

come touch me.

why am i so stupid?

sigh. i'm so damn stupid.

and i'm such a bastard lah. i cant stand the way i am so superficial, so judgemental, so anti-social. its horrible. i mean, i'm screwing with my life. i'm ending things before they even begin. its so ironic. somehow, i think i'm one who doesnt give many pple a chance. its fucking horrible. i'm fucked up.

i hate myself. so do you.

sigh.

we all still grow old

oc is getting to me. i mean face it, i'm living in a world of make believe. everything that is happening, its all so surreal. and i dunno. its fucking scary. everything i say, everything i hear others say, it all seems so...scripted. and its just me. i dont know whats real anymore. 2 months i've benn out of touch with the real world. the internet alien abducted me. and now, in a couple of hours, they are gonna send me back to earth. school starts in a matter of hours. reality soon begins. pple are wishing each other gd luck with the sch year ahead. yea. i need all the luck i can get. reality's a bitch.

kaytlin cooper is hott.

rain rain rain

i don get it. every other blog i go everyone's all like "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

um, wads so happy about the new fucking year?

looking back on a 2006 i'd much rather not forget

lifes been:

an ocean.
swimming in this ocean.
you have no idea where to go,
no idea where you're headed.
but you keep swimming.
anywhere. everywhere.

a game.
we're all playing games.
i stare, he stare,
we see who's scared first.
i run, he run.
i jump, he jump.
i fall, he fall?

a farce.
i've been living a lie.
lying to everyone,
lying to myself.
it makes me feel comfortable.
its almost like i actually am.

a torture.
i do way too many things i really shouldnt.
all these, its all my own damn fault.
all these things i've done,
i do them over and over again,
until they hurt.
until i can feel the pain.

the words in a song.
i can write on and on,
but in the end,
without any music,
the song aint a song anymore.
and sadly, i'm not up to singing it anymore.
i need some inspiration.

my 2006 was, in truth, not very much.
i realise i spent much of it wasting it.

2006 was full of:
music.
computer games.
guitar.
stoning.
randomness.
emo.
anger.
inept-ness.
incompletes.

i hope 07 really is a better year.
i hope its full of:
music.
guitar.
jamming.
emo.
scandals.
gossips.
lies.
anger.
computer games.

i need a reminder.

pootbomb

have you every tried wearing fbts over boxers?

whatever you say

wad did i expect anyway?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?

just a little maybe

you recognise those times,
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.

ask yourself if you really mean it

i dont want to think. but i dont have a choice have i?

question markkkkkkkk

how can i ask pple to take me seriously, or not, when i myself dont know when to?

i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!

what it all away?

i've lost it.

somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.

another reason to doubt my staying alive

and in the end, its all make believe.
we all are.

in her world

i've got so many secrets i wanna tell.
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.

will you be mine?

its a rainy day, so i say

my gosh.

forever young

my gosh the weather is so damn romantic. sigh.

what if einstein was christian?

everyone's special is his or her own eyes. i believe that must be true, or else we'd never achieve anything more than we already have. and honestly, i think everyone, in some way or another, always puts himself before anyone else. thats just how it is. no man is an island. every man is a country.

oh ok my god wadeva

how to pronounce b-l-e-s-s-e-d?

haha. if only anyone bothered. if only.

titles hardly matter

now, the line's so blur, does it even matter anymore? even if i cross it, who will know?

u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.

there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.

how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.

no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?

funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.

hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.

we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?

its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.

lol haha lmao rofl

haha. all the fake hahas. they are everywhere. yet they mean nothing. no one is really laughing. no one really means anything after all. we're all so safe, so secure, behinds lines of text, texts of lines, no one can see us. more importantly, no one can feel us. ultimately, only one sound remains: silence. the itunes, the clickin of keys, the wooshing of the aircon, the strange buzzing in my ear, they mean nothing. they dont exist. the only thing that exist, the only thing that matters, is the silence.

i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.

you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.

she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...

my war

my war

we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.

merry effin christmas

here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.

and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?

excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.

its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?

i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.

it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?

people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?

nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?

its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.

i dont even know if anything is the right word.

i found my greatest sex

recipe for a hot night out.

1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain

optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer

mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo

PRESENT BITCH!

SOMEONE BUY ME A FUCKING GUITAR STAND FOR MY ACOUSTIC FOR CHRISTMAS. OR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. PLS PLS PLS. OK DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUITAR. THANKS. I LOVE YOU.

i'm now addicted to all the same by sick puppies. and its really only one line.

wrong or right,
black or white,
when i close my eyes,
its all the same.

those lines really mean alot. well for me anyhow. think about it. or rather, dont.

its all not coming back to me

hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><

on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.

looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.

there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.

i'm incoherent.

i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.

touchdown

i'm back. who cares?

the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.

aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.

you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.

when we learn to say goodbye

sigh. enduring love, among other stuff from last year, is rushing back into my head. my rather tired head i should add.

its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.

all i want for christmas, is alot alot alot of...

i'm hopelessly terribly with words. sigh.