if life were simple, everything would be categorisable. everything would be labelable. but life isnt simple. i wish i were labelable, but everytime i try to think of one label that can actually encompass who i really am, i cant think of anything. someone help me? and everything is so much simpler if everything could be labeled. its like, you could chuck people and things into different buckets and decide how and what you want to do with them.
get me a bucket someone.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
whatever bitch
it isnt fair. but it never is.
what a strange feeling.
its so weird how things just, happen without you even knowing it did.
its like, lifes living without you.
i am so annoyed now i just feel like randomly flinging stuff around and just be violent and shit. argh. stupid.
what a strange feeling.
its so weird how things just, happen without you even knowing it did.
its like, lifes living without you.
i am so annoyed now i just feel like randomly flinging stuff around and just be violent and shit. argh. stupid.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
stop misleading me like i'm misleading you
i wish, i wish i could just speak my mind. i wish inhibitions were a lie. i wish it were so much easier. but the truth is, it isnt.
i cant deal with it, i really cant. theres always this barrier, this invisible bridge i cannot cross. i dont know if its because i dont want to, or because i really cant. actually, its not that i dont know, its that i dont want to know. there are so many things that i dont want to think about. j1 life has been so different. but i suppose, things last, but not forever. we want things to last forever, and i still hold out for that little bit of hope, but its hard. i mean, everything changes so damn fast. everything just, happens.
i dont know how to say it. i want to, i think i need to, but i dont know how. every possible scenario i can imagine, it just doesnt work. i think this really is the leap of faith. for very long i think i've been lying to myself. there are still the doubts, the possibilities we never want to consider, they are all still there. i'm only knee deep, not in over my head.
sigh. how does one break anothers heart?
i'm not sure where i'm going with all these. somehow, i cant help but feel i'm going round in circles all the time. i keep saying i want something to change, but i think the honest truth is that i'm afraid of change. i'm not sure i can deal with it.
you know, i think i really am what i'm not. somehow, i feel that i aint really who i seem to be. i contradict my thoughts and feelings with my actions, i contradict my beliefs with my mannerisms, i am one big contradiction.
its always the same old problem isnt it? left or right? i end up right in the middle. too fast? forcing. too slow? nothing. i dont know when i'll ever be truly honest with anyone. its such a terrifying thought. actually, i think i'm alot more honest here than i am in life.
i wish i were interesting.
things could be simpler, but they wont. and i know i've gotta do something about it. its not that i dont know how, its just i don care. i'm afraid.
i always am.
i cant deal with it, i really cant. theres always this barrier, this invisible bridge i cannot cross. i dont know if its because i dont want to, or because i really cant. actually, its not that i dont know, its that i dont want to know. there are so many things that i dont want to think about. j1 life has been so different. but i suppose, things last, but not forever. we want things to last forever, and i still hold out for that little bit of hope, but its hard. i mean, everything changes so damn fast. everything just, happens.
i dont know how to say it. i want to, i think i need to, but i dont know how. every possible scenario i can imagine, it just doesnt work. i think this really is the leap of faith. for very long i think i've been lying to myself. there are still the doubts, the possibilities we never want to consider, they are all still there. i'm only knee deep, not in over my head.
sigh. how does one break anothers heart?
i'm not sure where i'm going with all these. somehow, i cant help but feel i'm going round in circles all the time. i keep saying i want something to change, but i think the honest truth is that i'm afraid of change. i'm not sure i can deal with it.
you know, i think i really am what i'm not. somehow, i feel that i aint really who i seem to be. i contradict my thoughts and feelings with my actions, i contradict my beliefs with my mannerisms, i am one big contradiction.
its always the same old problem isnt it? left or right? i end up right in the middle. too fast? forcing. too slow? nothing. i dont know when i'll ever be truly honest with anyone. its such a terrifying thought. actually, i think i'm alot more honest here than i am in life.
i wish i were interesting.
things could be simpler, but they wont. and i know i've gotta do something about it. its not that i dont know how, its just i don care. i'm afraid.
i always am.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
dreaming about toothbrushes and annoying bitches
i haf concluded that the annoying age is from 7-14. stupidest most fucked up time of a persons life. ok now the most fucked up time is 15-19. 7-14 is when they are the most annoying.
and i have also concluded, that i am boring. i want to be interesting. why cant i be interesting? :( i wish i were interesting. like, you know, really cool and funky and shit. but i'm not. i'm just getting by. a little bit of this and that, when you add it all up, its just a little bit of this and that.
and i have also concluded, that i am boring. i want to be interesting. why cant i be interesting? :( i wish i were interesting. like, you know, really cool and funky and shit. but i'm not. i'm just getting by. a little bit of this and that, when you add it all up, its just a little bit of this and that.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Correlation of Good and Evil
Under the new guidelines imposed by the Union of Frankensteinian Detractors (UFD), the Correlation of Good and Evil states that:
1. The pandema of apostrophes is strictly defined to left and right
2. Two of the same is never of one kind
3. Bridging the subsistence divide should be left to the destruction of absolute infiltration and denounment
4. Bringing to fore hte misdemeanour of conflicts is a necessary misformility
5. Edging makes little locomotive action
6. To be is not to be
7. Picking up and placing down are polar similarities along the maekenean plane
8. An enhanced distance of 5 kilometric metres must be registered among all disunity
9. The defence of the missing collision should be left to the instigator and marinated by the involuntary crease
10. The collateral effect of vertical inhibition is strictly forbidden
Failure to adhere to any of the above regulations will lead to severe consequences. Repeated offenders face up to 2 gigaseconds of imprisonment on board the oven spaceship, or condemned to confinement among tiny manequins, or both.
PEACE>>>
1. The pandema of apostrophes is strictly defined to left and right
2. Two of the same is never of one kind
3. Bridging the subsistence divide should be left to the destruction of absolute infiltration and denounment
4. Bringing to fore hte misdemeanour of conflicts is a necessary misformility
5. Edging makes little locomotive action
6. To be is not to be
7. Picking up and placing down are polar similarities along the maekenean plane
8. An enhanced distance of 5 kilometric metres must be registered among all disunity
9. The defence of the missing collision should be left to the instigator and marinated by the involuntary crease
10. The collateral effect of vertical inhibition is strictly forbidden
Failure to adhere to any of the above regulations will lead to severe consequences. Repeated offenders face up to 2 gigaseconds of imprisonment on board the oven spaceship, or condemned to confinement among tiny manequins, or both.
PEACE>>>
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
can you fly, ever so high
crap. its happenning. all over again.
fuck lah, singapore really really really sucks. just like that, 3 wks of absolute bliss is gone, over, never to come back again. the misery that is my reality just struck me like, 429 secs ago.
i really hate singapore rite now. it'll prob pass, but i REALLY hate singapore rite now. heh, europe withdrawal symptoms are finally kicking in. damn it.
suddenly, i just dont feel like myself anymore. some part of me feels that i left some part of me somewhere. just like that.
it is coming to an end isnt it? all this happiness, optimism, hope, everything. i'm becoming myself once more. and as much as i hate it, as much as i dont want it, i dunno. i'll do my best, but sometimes, that just aint enough...
things sometimes really sucks. itunes is fucked up, my msn is lagging the shit out of itself, my dad is pmsy, i'm ranty and irritaty and everythingty, ugh. someone come cheer me up, NOW.
NOW.
forget it. i dont even know what i need. suddenly, i just cant feel happiness, like, i just dont know how i can be happy. rite now, everything looks fucking bleak. sch work's screwed up, family is screwed up, schedules are screwed up, everything i wan to do this hols i havent and prob wont/cant do, what the fuck. and thats not all.
NOW, SOMEBODY.
fuck lah, singapore really really really sucks. just like that, 3 wks of absolute bliss is gone, over, never to come back again. the misery that is my reality just struck me like, 429 secs ago.
i really hate singapore rite now. it'll prob pass, but i REALLY hate singapore rite now. heh, europe withdrawal symptoms are finally kicking in. damn it.
suddenly, i just dont feel like myself anymore. some part of me feels that i left some part of me somewhere. just like that.
it is coming to an end isnt it? all this happiness, optimism, hope, everything. i'm becoming myself once more. and as much as i hate it, as much as i dont want it, i dunno. i'll do my best, but sometimes, that just aint enough...
things sometimes really sucks. itunes is fucked up, my msn is lagging the shit out of itself, my dad is pmsy, i'm ranty and irritaty and everythingty, ugh. someone come cheer me up, NOW.
NOW.
forget it. i dont even know what i need. suddenly, i just cant feel happiness, like, i just dont know how i can be happy. rite now, everything looks fucking bleak. sch work's screwed up, family is screwed up, schedules are screwed up, everything i wan to do this hols i havent and prob wont/cant do, what the fuck. and thats not all.
NOW, SOMEBODY.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
rant 0.78
i feel an inexplcable need to rant. even though i'm not in the ranty mood. i dont feel pissed. i'm not particularly irritated. i'm not being emo. i just feel like ranting. why? i dunno. maybe cos i haven ranted in a long time. maybe its cos i just want to rant. i dunno. i just feel like ranting. of course this kinda all looks terribly stupid cos i keep saying i want to rant but retarded me hasnt actually got around to ranting. which again isnt true because this technically is ranting isnt it? ok screw it i'm going to rant online instead. which again that statement doesnt technically make sense since this is ranting online. but am i ranting? i dont know. ugh. rant rant rant. somewhere there must be some petition going on denouncing the whole stream of conciousness thing. ugh. wad the hell. i love this world, and i ahte this world. AHA! proper rant! ok rant over. goodbye.
holaha
ok its time.
lit trip, was bloody fantastic. super. teriffic. woohoo. i suppose i could describe everything, but that take too many words. so, pictures! tada!
plane ride. very long one mind you.
thats the stratford hostel. kelly's all like: "hm. i think a tennis balls about that big." or smthn.
how anyone can bring themselves to live along that street is beyond my comprehension. then again, jane austen did. but then THEN again, jane austen is beyond my comprehension...
museums are cool man. VERY cool.
i dunno if its not supposed to, but the stonehenge amuses me. i dunno why. it jus does.
oh yes come come my artistic shots :D
gah i'm too lazy to blog about it anymore. come find me for photos if u must. hm i figure i'm pretty bad at this, thing. ah wadeva.
lit trip, was bloody fantastic. super. teriffic. woohoo. i suppose i could describe everything, but that take too many words. so, pictures! tada!
plane ride. very long one mind you.
thats the stratford hostel. kelly's all like: "hm. i think a tennis balls about that big." or smthn.
how anyone can bring themselves to live along that street is beyond my comprehension. then again, jane austen did. but then THEN again, jane austen is beyond my comprehension...
museums are cool man. VERY cool.
i dunno if its not supposed to, but the stonehenge amuses me. i dunno why. it jus does.
oh yes come come my artistic shots :D
gah i'm too lazy to blog about it anymore. come find me for photos if u must. hm i figure i'm pretty bad at this, thing. ah wadeva.
Friday, June 08, 2007
w.i.p
i haf decided that i will blog about everything when the withdrawal symptoms set in. so wait in peace.
Monday, May 28, 2007
what to say?
its over. theres something about the finality of that statement that really sucks. and its reallly weird you know. its like, after what, 3-4 yrs? from now on, weekly mrt rides to toa payoh and back are over. like, OVER. its kinda scary, and it really hasnt sank in yet.
well it was a really damn kick ass production, from rehearsals right up till the performance itself. and i guess there are alot of ppl i must thank. so here it goes.
PMs, SMs for running the whole thing, pushing us when we needed to be push, everything. it really is alot of work for them.
backstage pple: for painting our cubes, arranging everything, making sure our props are there when we need them, you know, these are the unsung heroes behind every production i think.
lights!: haha. randall and siheng. we had alot of light cues, somehow, so yea. thanks lighters!
sounds: our piece didnt have sounds, but like for the whole production, so yea.
fellow actors: for jus making the whole process so fun, and so worth it. you know, life never is dull with pple like cg and junyi around.
me too cast!!!: i swear these are the greatest bunch of pple in the world. they really made it worthwhile for me, and i think its fair to say we've all gained from this experience. we are the rocksiest of all the sexing pple, yo!
char: and of course to manage a kickass cast, you need a kickass director. i suppose it must have been hell for you to manage us, esp with monkeys like me and yx, but u have done it. and as cheesy as the script is, it worked out very damn well. so kudos.
hm who else who else. aiya dunno lah. everyone else i guess, cos really this production, as small as it might have been, was great. oh yes wait!
frens: woohoo wonderful pple thanks for coming down and watching the performance. i hope we all made it worth while for you. 6 bucks is like, 6/1000 of a les paul.
seriously, i think the one thing i've gained from this production is that i'm now more aware, i think. you know, of just, everything. and i think i've also learnt to be more comfortable with myself. how, i'm nto terribly sure. i think its probably because there is something in every character that i, and hopefully everyone, can identify with, and i think thats why the script is such a cool one. and i suppose its also easier for me as an actor, because i dont just have to concentrate on my own role, but rather, a larger picture. and well yea, its been thoroughly fun. i'll miss all the madness, the camwhoring, the rehearsals to nowhere, the weird things we all do, even just hte mrt rides every week. but more than anything else i think i'll miss working with the great people i call cast and director. its been so satisfying, and now its over.
i miss u siningningningningning rooxxxxaaanne char yugaoweixuan :(
well it was a really damn kick ass production, from rehearsals right up till the performance itself. and i guess there are alot of ppl i must thank. so here it goes.
PMs, SMs for running the whole thing, pushing us when we needed to be push, everything. it really is alot of work for them.
backstage pple: for painting our cubes, arranging everything, making sure our props are there when we need them, you know, these are the unsung heroes behind every production i think.
lights!: haha. randall and siheng. we had alot of light cues, somehow, so yea. thanks lighters!
sounds: our piece didnt have sounds, but like for the whole production, so yea.
fellow actors: for jus making the whole process so fun, and so worth it. you know, life never is dull with pple like cg and junyi around.
me too cast!!!: i swear these are the greatest bunch of pple in the world. they really made it worthwhile for me, and i think its fair to say we've all gained from this experience. we are the rocksiest of all the sexing pple, yo!
char: and of course to manage a kickass cast, you need a kickass director. i suppose it must have been hell for you to manage us, esp with monkeys like me and yx, but u have done it. and as cheesy as the script is, it worked out very damn well. so kudos.
hm who else who else. aiya dunno lah. everyone else i guess, cos really this production, as small as it might have been, was great. oh yes wait!
frens: woohoo wonderful pple thanks for coming down and watching the performance. i hope we all made it worth while for you. 6 bucks is like, 6/1000 of a les paul.
seriously, i think the one thing i've gained from this production is that i'm now more aware, i think. you know, of just, everything. and i think i've also learnt to be more comfortable with myself. how, i'm nto terribly sure. i think its probably because there is something in every character that i, and hopefully everyone, can identify with, and i think thats why the script is such a cool one. and i suppose its also easier for me as an actor, because i dont just have to concentrate on my own role, but rather, a larger picture. and well yea, its been thoroughly fun. i'll miss all the madness, the camwhoring, the rehearsals to nowhere, the weird things we all do, even just hte mrt rides every week. but more than anything else i think i'll miss working with the great people i call cast and director. its been so satisfying, and now its over.
i miss u siningningningningning rooxxxxaaanne char yugaoweixuan :(
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
wow
today is a frigging good day omg.
sch was very gd. very very gd indeed.
the run was pretty damn nice. i felt real. damn.
guitaring is the sex.
the sky is absolutely cloudless, so beautiful.
as of this moment, life is great.
oh and hockey girls won? ok wadeva.
:D
sch was very gd. very very gd indeed.
the run was pretty damn nice. i felt real. damn.
guitaring is the sex.
the sky is absolutely cloudless, so beautiful.
as of this moment, life is great.
oh and hockey girls won? ok wadeva.
:D
yellow yellow purple mellow
i am in a strange state right now. i'm somewhat happy, somewhat sad, somewhat stoned, somewhat irritated, somewhat. somewhat.
i hate mood swings. they piss me off. but i have them aniwae. how fucked up.
i like honey stars. alot. alot. and shit i am sooo going to grow into a chan poh meng. i'm like eating a million meals a day. wtf.
i've decided that being undecided is a good way to go. i mean, honestly i dont think there's any other way. its all so, iffy.
i wish. i can only. wish.
i hate mood swings. they piss me off. but i have them aniwae. how fucked up.
i like honey stars. alot. alot. and shit i am sooo going to grow into a chan poh meng. i'm like eating a million meals a day. wtf.
i've decided that being undecided is a good way to go. i mean, honestly i dont think there's any other way. its all so, iffy.
i wish. i can only. wish.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
togod
somethings gotta change,
somethings gotta give.
someday, someone has got to make a difference. or else it wont matter anymore.
somethings gotta give.
someday, someone has got to make a difference. or else it wont matter anymore.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
bewteen my trousers, there lies a shirt
life is like your wadrobe. its always bloody messy. and what you really want to do is to sort it out. u seperate the blacks and the whites, the tops and the bottoms, colour code, design code, what have you. you do all of that. but after awhile, it always gets messy again. you cant help it, you know its going to happen. unless of course you're one of those anal idiots who packs your clothes every day until all your life you do nothing but arrange your wadrobe. ironic, you waste your life trying to sort out your life.
Friday, May 11, 2007
saving tonight for last
just standing outside, without having to think about anything else in the world. just stand there, gaze up at the night sky, the star filled blanket that shrouds our nights. stand there, with the smell of jasmine wafting under my nose.
stand there, and you know, it actually is really quite nice.
stand there, and you know, it actually is really quite nice.
Monday, May 07, 2007
you just gotta love mondays
sometimes, i am
a stupid boy
an idiotic boy
a clever boy
an irritating boy
a bimbo boy
a retarded boy
a lazy boy
a lame boy
a boring boy
an ignorant boy
an impatient boy
a crazy boy
a demented boy
a short boy
a bitchy boy
a sporty boy
a horrible boy
an emo boy
but all in all, i am
a boy boy
a stupid boy
an idiotic boy
a clever boy
an irritating boy
a bimbo boy
a retarded boy
a lazy boy
a lame boy
a boring boy
an ignorant boy
an impatient boy
a crazy boy
a demented boy
a short boy
a bitchy boy
a sporty boy
a horrible boy
an emo boy
but all in all, i am
a boy boy
Friday, May 04, 2007
it takes a little while
it was only a matter of time.
somehow, as always.
i cant help but think.
it must be, it must.
and i just cant.
maybe, just maybe?
often there never is a point.
sometimes, there doesnt need to be one.
somehow, as always.
i cant help but think.
it must be, it must.
and i just cant.
maybe, just maybe?
often there never is a point.
sometimes, there doesnt need to be one.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
wellfuckingdone
i'm screwed. again. as always. as usual. i dont know what to do really. nothing ever changes. nothign ever will.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
the pain of anger
somehow, someway, i must supress the inate rage in me. theres no way to get rid of it, i know. its in my bloody genes. all i can do, is to try my very best to supress it, to contain it. i mean, really its all i can do.
i'm in a terrible position. i'm in a position where i know that even if i dont put in the effort, i can still scrape through, i can still get by, and because of that, i never want to put in the effort. that sucks. its stopping me from doing better than i am doing, its stopping me, period. i really dont know how i can change that. fuck lah.
i'm in a terrible position. i'm in a position where i know that even if i dont put in the effort, i can still scrape through, i can still get by, and because of that, i never want to put in the effort. that sucks. its stopping me from doing better than i am doing, its stopping me, period. i really dont know how i can change that. fuck lah.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
OH BABY BABY, I WAN YOU TO KNOW...
THATS IT IS FICKING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i am happy. i tink. aniwae gd luck fri ppl, though i don tink any of them read my blog, but yea gd luck. i am tempted to quote humin but i shall not.
Monday, April 23, 2007
WARNING!!!
BEFORE NAD GETS TO SAY ANYTHING AND DESTROY MY REPUTATION AS A HUMAN BEING, LEMME SAY FIRST: THANK YOU NAD PLS PLS PLS DON TELL THE WHOLE WORLD.................................................
THX.
THX.
THX.
ARGH I DUNNO WHERE TO HIDE MY FACE ANYMORE. THIS IS RETRIBUTION LAH.
THX.
THX.
THX.
ARGH I DUNNO WHERE TO HIDE MY FACE ANYMORE. THIS IS RETRIBUTION LAH.
Friday, April 20, 2007
you know you are stressin out when
- smells like teen spirit smells like teen shit ok no. when the song makes u stressed. wth
- u think that stress balls stress
- flying things start appearing out of nowhere, haunting your every typed word
- the meteor shower never seems to appear
- u take 20 mins to write 20 words, which you then proceed to delete in 20 secs. repeat process.
- the thing u say most often on msn is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- the reply you get is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- you start considerin the fact that you may be a teletubby in disguise
- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- it takes 3 and a half showings to get your mono anywhere near decent (with a high possibility that it isnt)
- you're more focused on a lj tag den ure bloody cc (a stupid tag specifically)
- you think about drowning yourself in ketshup
- when u write a post like this.
- u think that stress balls stress
- flying things start appearing out of nowhere, haunting your every typed word
- the meteor shower never seems to appear
- u take 20 mins to write 20 words, which you then proceed to delete in 20 secs. repeat process.
- the thing u say most often on msn is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- the reply you get is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- you start considerin the fact that you may be a teletubby in disguise
- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- it takes 3 and a half showings to get your mono anywhere near decent (with a high possibility that it isnt)
- you're more focused on a lj tag den ure bloody cc (a stupid tag specifically)
- you think about drowning yourself in ketshup
- when u write a post like this.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
my gutted sorry
which is harder?
to like someone you love,
or to love someone you like?
times are horrendous. theres something about the whole atmosphere of life that just aint happening right now. everything feels so damn wrong. the rain doesnt rain right, the sun doesnt shine right. but i guess its not anyone's fault, only mine.
its really depressing, to think that we could possibly not be able to rectify our flaws. are our flaws inborn? are they coded in our genes and hence forever there? if it were, i find it a very scary proposition. i mean, people in general are propogating bad genes. every child that is born, he is but the manisfestation of mankind's faults and imperfections. but no i shall not think about these stuff. i try very hard not to. i dont want to lose hope in life so early on.
i'm not sure i'm ready, i'm not sure when i'll be, i'm not sure if i'll ever be.
i need something to distract myself. i need a change in perspective. i just need, something. i'd go as far as to say anything, but i dont think that'd be a gd idea. but right now, i'd settle for alot of things. do i need something to make me happy? i dunno, i really dont. i think i could settle for something that wouldnt necessarily make me happy, but that just distracts me. what would make me happy? gettin to know my hot neighbour? probably. getting pedals? probably. its all stuff that wont happen anytime soon or at all. so whats the point? i hope, i really do, that this is just another phase, and that it'll be gone after another few days.
at the end of it all, what really matters is who's left to tell the story.
to like someone you love,
or to love someone you like?
times are horrendous. theres something about the whole atmosphere of life that just aint happening right now. everything feels so damn wrong. the rain doesnt rain right, the sun doesnt shine right. but i guess its not anyone's fault, only mine.
its really depressing, to think that we could possibly not be able to rectify our flaws. are our flaws inborn? are they coded in our genes and hence forever there? if it were, i find it a very scary proposition. i mean, people in general are propogating bad genes. every child that is born, he is but the manisfestation of mankind's faults and imperfections. but no i shall not think about these stuff. i try very hard not to. i dont want to lose hope in life so early on.
i'm not sure i'm ready, i'm not sure when i'll be, i'm not sure if i'll ever be.
i need something to distract myself. i need a change in perspective. i just need, something. i'd go as far as to say anything, but i dont think that'd be a gd idea. but right now, i'd settle for alot of things. do i need something to make me happy? i dunno, i really dont. i think i could settle for something that wouldnt necessarily make me happy, but that just distracts me. what would make me happy? gettin to know my hot neighbour? probably. getting pedals? probably. its all stuff that wont happen anytime soon or at all. so whats the point? i hope, i really do, that this is just another phase, and that it'll be gone after another few days.
at the end of it all, what really matters is who's left to tell the story.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
wash away those tears, little girl
it is quite an unfamiliar feeling, to be angry, frustrated, pissed, irritated, agitated, and yet, all that come out, are tears.
i hate it, more than anything else i hate how hopeless it all seems. its almost as if there is no way out, nothing to do but just to wait out this storm. and its a terrible situation to be in. every turn is a wrong turn, every step is a wrong step. how does one escape a reality like this?
i hate it, more than anything else i hate how hopeless it all seems. its almost as if there is no way out, nothing to do but just to wait out this storm. and its a terrible situation to be in. every turn is a wrong turn, every step is a wrong step. how does one escape a reality like this?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
flatter and deceive
and at the end of it all, i'll still be letting someone down.
if it aint you, if it aint them, then its just me.
if it aint you, if it aint them, then its just me.
AN ARMS RACE
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. nadia amuses me.
i find it quite sad. maybe i have a hate gene or smthn, but somehow i just cant like, u noe, just like people. somehow, somewhere, i always find something to hate about a person.
if only things were easier, if only things were simpler.
but what can one do, dwelling on all the ifs?
after all, life moves on, with or without you.
i find it quite sad. maybe i have a hate gene or smthn, but somehow i just cant like, u noe, just like people. somehow, somewhere, i always find something to hate about a person.
if only things were easier, if only things were simpler.
but what can one do, dwelling on all the ifs?
after all, life moves on, with or without you.
Monday, April 09, 2007
highness dooms me
eeek i havent blogged in like, 2 million years. bleh. i hate life in its totality.
sigh. its just, everything's happening all over again. lifes this really vicious cycle that keeps coming around to screw you over. and i dunno. will there come a point when i'll jus break? its scary to even entertain that thought, but i cant help it.
i'd be lying if i said i wasnt at all afraid.
if i cant even enjoy the simple things in life, how can i expect to ever be happy? i dunno. i really dont. i somehow wish i had, or someone had some kind of answer.
eh wadeva. i'm too tired to pour out all my sorrows onto a random page of words called a blog. its too queer.
sigh. its just, everything's happening all over again. lifes this really vicious cycle that keeps coming around to screw you over. and i dunno. will there come a point when i'll jus break? its scary to even entertain that thought, but i cant help it.
i'd be lying if i said i wasnt at all afraid.
if i cant even enjoy the simple things in life, how can i expect to ever be happy? i dunno. i really dont. i somehow wish i had, or someone had some kind of answer.
eh wadeva. i'm too tired to pour out all my sorrows onto a random page of words called a blog. its too queer.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
post 500
so this is post 500. well.
i realise that personally, theres something very comforting about just coming to my own blog and just, lingering around.
its almost as if its a different world altogether. a different state of reality. somwhere nowhere nearby, somehow i can just escape from myself.
somewhere to be...
i realise that personally, theres something very comforting about just coming to my own blog and just, lingering around.
its almost as if its a different world altogether. a different state of reality. somwhere nowhere nearby, somehow i can just escape from myself.
somewhere to be...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
frustration ball
sometimes i wonder if like, everyone is keeping this monstrously huge secret from me. its like, life's trying to cheat me. but of course thats not the case. compared to so many other things around, i am insignificant. no one cares about my secret.
there are so many things i could wish for.
i think there always comes a point in time everything just looks so dam bleak. everything somehow just seems to have to go wrong.
i wonder just how long we'll be able to hold on
i suppose we all just gotta hang in there. no one ever said it was going to be easy. its just, overwhelming sometimes, tho nowadays its more like most of the time. its just, i wonder how long it'll go on, before someone finally snaps.
there are so many things i could wish for.
i think there always comes a point in time everything just looks so dam bleak. everything somehow just seems to have to go wrong.
i wonder just how long we'll be able to hold on
i suppose we all just gotta hang in there. no one ever said it was going to be easy. its just, overwhelming sometimes, tho nowadays its more like most of the time. its just, i wonder how long it'll go on, before someone finally snaps.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
are you really but one self?
i am terribly fascinated by queer things.
i am very fascinated by death. death, it does alot of things to people. and it very interestin to observe and analyse it all. the way people deal with death is a very fascinating topic. i mean, different people deal with death differently. some drink or take drugs, trying to ignore it, some try to hide it away and pretend like nothing happened, some wallow in their despair, and who knows what else others do. and its fascinating.
and the thing about death, it has a tendency to change people. its evident in real life, or if u dont see it, people write about it. books, forums, movies, everywhere, death is present. particularly in books. i always enjoy a good book that concerns death or murder or the like. its fun to plot the character's emotional and sometimes psychological journey through the story.
sigh i'm losing my mind i think. and i'm rather quite very stoned due to very long days and very little sleep the past few days.
you know i thought about it. if someone did write a book about me, i'd want to read it, but i really dont know what to expect. its quite a scary thought.
i am very fascinated by death. death, it does alot of things to people. and it very interestin to observe and analyse it all. the way people deal with death is a very fascinating topic. i mean, different people deal with death differently. some drink or take drugs, trying to ignore it, some try to hide it away and pretend like nothing happened, some wallow in their despair, and who knows what else others do. and its fascinating.
and the thing about death, it has a tendency to change people. its evident in real life, or if u dont see it, people write about it. books, forums, movies, everywhere, death is present. particularly in books. i always enjoy a good book that concerns death or murder or the like. its fun to plot the character's emotional and sometimes psychological journey through the story.
sigh i'm losing my mind i think. and i'm rather quite very stoned due to very long days and very little sleep the past few days.
you know i thought about it. if someone did write a book about me, i'd want to read it, but i really dont know what to expect. its quite a scary thought.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
the bastard gene
today, i have decided to blog a proper, possibly quite long, and hopefully mostly accurate and logical blog entry. of course assuming i dont end up going off some place else and never get this finished, as is the common occurence.
first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.
ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.
secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.
thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.
fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.
ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.
i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.
sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?
seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!
and yes i do possess the bastard gene.
first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.
ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.
secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.
thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.
fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.
ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.
i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.
sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?
seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!
and yes i do possess the bastard gene.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
YAYYYYYYYYY
omg omg omg my cast is GONE!!! i am like, ecstatic. altho my elbow still hurts but who fucking cares??
Sunday, March 25, 2007
looking on hard, hoping that we can move on
i have been rather mood-less the past few days. its quite strange really.
and i really need to stop listenin to famous last words...
and i really need to stop listenin to famous last words...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
too bad son
its quite sad really. i mean, its the things that matter that always seem so difficult. i mean, i have had may things better than others, but the things that i really really want, i somehow never get. maybe its life's way of fucking with me u noe. give me the good stuff, deprive me of the great stuff. or am i jus being selfish? in a way i think i am. i mean, i have had a pretty gd life, compared to others. but still... haiz.
its just, i want some things so so so badly...
its just, i want some things so so so badly...
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
away from the sun
honestly, i duno. i really dont.
u can ask me a million times, but i'll never have an answer for you.
u can ask me a million times, but i'll never have an answer for you.
Monday, March 19, 2007
fuck anything that is everything
i am in a bad mood. fucking hell. i want to kill someone right now. parents suck. seriously. i want to stab my mom sooooo badly, its not even funny anymore. everything's just so fucking screwed up. its not fair, it really isnt. here i am, trying to juggle my already very messed up life, and there they are further complicating things. i mean, i hate it so much right now. piano has just become something, meaningless and pointless. just sittign in front of the damn thing, i don even feel like playing the stuff i normally do. it just repulses me right now. so fuckign screwed up. fuck sia i am so going to fail the damn exams just for the hell of it. and i mean its a double edged sword. fail it and they can give me all kinds of shit, do this and that, say what i never work hard enough all that fucking bullshit. pass it and they'll give me the i told u so lecture. fuck them. fuck them.
i want to run away. really.
i want to run away. really.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
freaking wonderful
why must life be so goddamn fucking screwed up? i miss time. in general.
yes i think i might possibly maybe be stressing out. fucking hell.
yes i think i might possibly maybe be stressing out. fucking hell.
bloodstone pingpong
and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.
everyday is an eye-opening experience, whether we like it or not. sometimes, it hurts. sometimes, it makes us happier than we can possibly imagine. but we always learn. we must. i think its the only way we can really move it.
someone must comphrehend this pain.
come now, save me with your torturous beauty...
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.
everyday is an eye-opening experience, whether we like it or not. sometimes, it hurts. sometimes, it makes us happier than we can possibly imagine. but we always learn. we must. i think its the only way we can really move it.
someone must comphrehend this pain.
come now, save me with your torturous beauty...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
crossed hearts and dotted souls
it makes a lot of difference i have come to realise. whoever thought it could be this way.
i'm not sure if i like it this way.
maybe in awhile i might know.
suddenly, life seems so, busy.
everything's rushing by, time never seem to stop anymore.
and at the moment, its uncomfortable.
i spent the greater part of my past 2 yrs living in something of a slow-mo world.
everything passed slowly, dull, boring,
nothing.
and now suddenly everything seems to have burst into life.
when last time i looked for things to fill my time,
now i'm looking for time to fit my things.
its ironic, strange, weird, confusing.
sometimes i think that i need all the stupid stuff,
all the lame, irritating, meaningless stuff.
the irony of it all is that it still is, running away.
either way i look at it,
its somehow always amounts to the same thing.
i guess everyone has their own ways of dealing with things,
dealing with life.
some settle for getting by,
some settle for nothing less than the best.
either way, we're all still settling for something.
we're all living in a tv screen.
black, white, everything else in between.
in the end, it all doesnt matter.
making sense of ourselves equates to nothing.
afterall, we're just images on a damn tv screen.
and if she makes me smile, is it forever worthwhile?
i'm not sure if i like it this way.
maybe in awhile i might know.
suddenly, life seems so, busy.
everything's rushing by, time never seem to stop anymore.
and at the moment, its uncomfortable.
i spent the greater part of my past 2 yrs living in something of a slow-mo world.
everything passed slowly, dull, boring,
nothing.
and now suddenly everything seems to have burst into life.
when last time i looked for things to fill my time,
now i'm looking for time to fit my things.
its ironic, strange, weird, confusing.
sometimes i think that i need all the stupid stuff,
all the lame, irritating, meaningless stuff.
the irony of it all is that it still is, running away.
either way i look at it,
its somehow always amounts to the same thing.
i guess everyone has their own ways of dealing with things,
dealing with life.
some settle for getting by,
some settle for nothing less than the best.
either way, we're all still settling for something.
we're all living in a tv screen.
black, white, everything else in between.
in the end, it all doesnt matter.
making sense of ourselves equates to nothing.
afterall, we're just images on a damn tv screen.
and if she makes me smile, is it forever worthwhile?
Monday, March 12, 2007
the middle
it just takes some time
its been a long time coming. ironic as it is, its always been this, guarded. its been safe, too safe maybe. i guess once in awhile we just got to take a chance. lay everything on the line, whatever the consequences may be. afterall, thats what living the moment is about isnt it?
shit i am in deep shit. i've got so much to do, so little time. everthing suddenly seems to be closing in, becoming more real. i've got mono to worry about, sch work, missing production, jamming, floorball, so many other things. sometimes i wonder if i can take it. just what am i doing to myself? am i pushing myself just to see where i will break? is that what i really want?
i want to break free...
its been a long time coming. ironic as it is, its always been this, guarded. its been safe, too safe maybe. i guess once in awhile we just got to take a chance. lay everything on the line, whatever the consequences may be. afterall, thats what living the moment is about isnt it?
shit i am in deep shit. i've got so much to do, so little time. everthing suddenly seems to be closing in, becoming more real. i've got mono to worry about, sch work, missing production, jamming, floorball, so many other things. sometimes i wonder if i can take it. just what am i doing to myself? am i pushing myself just to see where i will break? is that what i really want?
i want to break free...
but you can never leave
i guess in a way its a good way to end it all.
one last expedition.
afterall, the past 2 yrs have been all about that, expeditions.
running here, running there,
chasing after stuff, etc etc.
in a way its a form of closure for me.
i mean, yes its strange, slightly weird,
but all in all, necessary.
so say hello to my goodbye.
often, i ask myself,
is it because i want to be like that?
am i seeking attention i know i cannot get?
or is it just, i dunno,
something comfortable i can slip into.
i think its more of the latter den the former.
its been a long time coming.
i cant say i've lost hope in the world and everything around me.
its more accurate to say i'm losing hope,
yet at the same time i'm still clinging on to some.
my life is a freaking paradox i swear.
so i suppose its just the way i am,
or rather the way i've become.
this mould, its become so comfortable,
so me.
did you ever care enough to ask,
whether those words meant enough for every two of us.
plodding along with this life so bare,
hoping that maybe someday,
someone could actually be there.
to make every circle seem so square,
change every shade of grey to blue.
but its a farce u see,
this whole, hope, thing.
those who bother must be those who really dare.
one last expedition.
afterall, the past 2 yrs have been all about that, expeditions.
running here, running there,
chasing after stuff, etc etc.
in a way its a form of closure for me.
i mean, yes its strange, slightly weird,
but all in all, necessary.
so say hello to my goodbye.
often, i ask myself,
is it because i want to be like that?
am i seeking attention i know i cannot get?
or is it just, i dunno,
something comfortable i can slip into.
i think its more of the latter den the former.
its been a long time coming.
i cant say i've lost hope in the world and everything around me.
its more accurate to say i'm losing hope,
yet at the same time i'm still clinging on to some.
my life is a freaking paradox i swear.
so i suppose its just the way i am,
or rather the way i've become.
this mould, its become so comfortable,
so me.
did you ever care enough to ask,
whether those words meant enough for every two of us.
plodding along with this life so bare,
hoping that maybe someday,
someone could actually be there.
to make every circle seem so square,
change every shade of grey to blue.
but its a farce u see,
this whole, hope, thing.
those who bother must be those who really dare.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
yep yep yep
yep. its changing. i know it. i can feel it. i can sense it. and somehow, i think so can they.
oooh
oooh
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
hate.
yep. someone guess just how i feel. three guesses to get it right. one, two, three. now die. *gunshot*
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
monkey in the wrench
and i guess, suddenly it seems so different, yet familiar all the same.
my life is one big fat goddamn irony.
the funny thing is, i dont think anyone is living in denial any more so than myself. i dunno but it seems everything i do, after i think about it, it never is the same. theres always something more, or something less. something i meant, something i didnt.
i realise i like talking in circles.
in a way, it sort of has a demented, sick way of all working out somehow. i mean, at that point in time i dont think we see it, but looking back, everything seems to fall in place. somehow. and i suppose, i'm just waiting, hoping, that it'll be that way.
yet sometimes, the best aint quite good enough.
my life is one big fat goddamn irony.
the funny thing is, i dont think anyone is living in denial any more so than myself. i dunno but it seems everything i do, after i think about it, it never is the same. theres always something more, or something less. something i meant, something i didnt.
i realise i like talking in circles.
in a way, it sort of has a demented, sick way of all working out somehow. i mean, at that point in time i dont think we see it, but looking back, everything seems to fall in place. somehow. and i suppose, i'm just waiting, hoping, that it'll be that way.
yet sometimes, the best aint quite good enough.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
its the absolute stupidity of it all
i realise, if just once, i could follow everything that i tell others, if i could take my own advice, if i could do everything i say i want to, i'd be good. in a strange, funky good sorta way. you think?
Monday, February 26, 2007
if i could just run away
in a way, its worse like that.
i knew it was going to be like that,
and i suppose i thought i'd be mentally prepared for it again,
and yet it is still overwhelming me,
like it has before,
and i guess it always will.
i suppose its meant to be,
a test maybe?
and i suppose there is always more than one side of things.
in a sense, it oculd be a test of our own character,
a way of challenging oneself,
to push one's own limits.
and i think its when we really find out about ourselves.
we then know jus how far we are willing to go,
just how much we're willing to risk,
just for that one chance.
just for that one chance.
i knew it was going to be like that,
and i suppose i thought i'd be mentally prepared for it again,
and yet it is still overwhelming me,
like it has before,
and i guess it always will.
i suppose its meant to be,
a test maybe?
and i suppose there is always more than one side of things.
in a sense, it oculd be a test of our own character,
a way of challenging oneself,
to push one's own limits.
and i think its when we really find out about ourselves.
we then know jus how far we are willing to go,
just how much we're willing to risk,
just for that one chance.
just for that one chance.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
wa lau *#!%#&%
fucking hell. i never thought it'd be this damn tiring, and i guess i've been proven wrong. the past few weeks i've just been so damn exhausted whenever i get home. its like, come home, eat, bathe, on comp, play guitar (recently), stone, flutter in and out of consciousness, sleep. knn. i've got no energy to do anything at all.
argh. and i still cant believe i spent 20hrs of my wkend in sch. which means i spent 5/12 of my wkend in sch. wtf.
ARGH.
i need time to think. i need time alone. i need time to work myself out. i need time to figure things out. i need time to compose myself. i need time to evaluate myself. I FUCKING NEED TIME.
argh. and i still cant believe i spent 20hrs of my wkend in sch. which means i spent 5/12 of my wkend in sch. wtf.
ARGH.
i need time to think. i need time alone. i need time to work myself out. i need time to figure things out. i need time to compose myself. i need time to evaluate myself. I FUCKING NEED TIME.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
ugh
i've totally forgotten what i wanted to blog about. damn.
oh yea i rmb now. i never ever thought i'd ever have to say "i'll be in sch from 7-6 on sunday" EVER. but wtf i am saying it now. its kinda crazy, its kinda freaky, kinda scary, but its real. liek omg.
and the magic word is: jaded.
oh yea i rmb now. i never ever thought i'd ever have to say "i'll be in sch from 7-6 on sunday" EVER. but wtf i am saying it now. its kinda crazy, its kinda freaky, kinda scary, but its real. liek omg.
and the magic word is: jaded.
Friday, February 23, 2007
i'm walking on, walking on
it was a crappy feeling.
but i guess we all gotta deal.
hard times, they fall on us when we least expect it,
and yet, i think in some way we all need to mentally prepare ourselves,
for the worse.
i want to all move on.
but i guess we all gotta deal.
hard times, they fall on us when we least expect it,
and yet, i think in some way we all need to mentally prepare ourselves,
for the worse.
i want to all move on.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
if you'd just hold on
first of all, PEOPLE whoever you are who may possibly read this, DONT add me on friendster. i will not accept any more friends. hell i'm never going to friendster ever again. or any other networking shit. if u want to talk to me, msn works. i mean, i think its FUCKING stupid for people to add me on friendster even though i dont really know them (more so for my account before it got wiped out). i mean, its just plain fucking reatarded. its like, "OMGZZZ I GOT LIKE SHHO MANY FRENZZ WORHXZZ". go and die, lah.
anyway, moving on.
i'm not fated with fate. seriously. i've always been delt a crappy hand, no matter where i go, even if this feels like a path to escape, it never is. cos when the path opens up into the concrete wasteland, the same phantoms come back to haunt me. different forms, different shapes, but its all the same. and i think somehow, i know i'm going to end up with people i dont want, people i detest or will detest. after all, its always been that case, ever since i was young. and why would that change? could i be that naive?
i dont want you.
i hate you.
i absolutely detest you with every bit of my heart.
but i'm too nice to hurt you.
i'm too kind to want to break you.
i'm too weak to watch you suffer.
so you just go on like you do,
while i stand back, laugh, mock, weep, cringe,
clench my fist and stab away at thin air,
just for you.
anyway, moving on.
i'm not fated with fate. seriously. i've always been delt a crappy hand, no matter where i go, even if this feels like a path to escape, it never is. cos when the path opens up into the concrete wasteland, the same phantoms come back to haunt me. different forms, different shapes, but its all the same. and i think somehow, i know i'm going to end up with people i dont want, people i detest or will detest. after all, its always been that case, ever since i was young. and why would that change? could i be that naive?
i dont want you.
i hate you.
i absolutely detest you with every bit of my heart.
but i'm too nice to hurt you.
i'm too kind to want to break you.
i'm too weak to watch you suffer.
so you just go on like you do,
while i stand back, laugh, mock, weep, cringe,
clench my fist and stab away at thin air,
just for you.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
to happy or not to happy?
the truth is,
i cant tell you the truth.
why?
because i even convince myself its true.
how then am i supposed to be able to tell you?
you can ask me all you want,
but the truth is,
i'm not hiding anything.
i'm just hiding from myself.
dont you see?
theres nothing to tell. at all.
haha. its all just so screwed up isnt it? i mean, i know i can, if i really try, but i doubt anyone will ever see it. i doubt anyone can accept me for anything other then who i am. this mould, this role, i've created for myself, and now its coming back to haunt me like it always has. i dont like it this way, but at least i feel safe. at least in some ways i can deal. lie and lie over and over again, until it becomes my truth. until it becomes the truth.
you know, its not that i dont want it.
its just, i'm not sure i can.
i'm not sure i can be anything other then who i am.
i'm afraid of judgement,
i'm afraid of rejection.
hur. i never thought char's script would be this...apt.
and in a sense its true.
i really cant help feeling this is all that i have.
this is all that will ever be.
i mean, no one really cares do they?
i think too much, i do too little.
its my way of torturing myself.
yet i od it all the same.
i guess sometimes i feel that i just dont have any other alternatives.
"i want to make sure that i do everything just right, because i dont want to look back and regret not having been more careful, or not having made a big enough effort. i just want to be happy."
i'm living on cliches.
so much so my life has turned into one.
i cant tell you the truth.
why?
because i even convince myself its true.
how then am i supposed to be able to tell you?
you can ask me all you want,
but the truth is,
i'm not hiding anything.
i'm just hiding from myself.
dont you see?
theres nothing to tell. at all.
haha. its all just so screwed up isnt it? i mean, i know i can, if i really try, but i doubt anyone will ever see it. i doubt anyone can accept me for anything other then who i am. this mould, this role, i've created for myself, and now its coming back to haunt me like it always has. i dont like it this way, but at least i feel safe. at least in some ways i can deal. lie and lie over and over again, until it becomes my truth. until it becomes the truth.
you know, its not that i dont want it.
its just, i'm not sure i can.
i'm not sure i can be anything other then who i am.
i'm afraid of judgement,
i'm afraid of rejection.
hur. i never thought char's script would be this...apt.
and in a sense its true.
i really cant help feeling this is all that i have.
this is all that will ever be.
i mean, no one really cares do they?
i think too much, i do too little.
its my way of torturing myself.
yet i od it all the same.
i guess sometimes i feel that i just dont have any other alternatives.
"i want to make sure that i do everything just right, because i dont want to look back and regret not having been more careful, or not having made a big enough effort. i just want to be happy."
i'm living on cliches.
so much so my life has turned into one.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
me me me, its all about me
i'm not sure why, but i think i hate friendster. theres something so reatarded about it imo. i mean, what's the point of being connected to like a million people, and all they do is view pics of you cam whoring, read your profile for like the 7-millionth time, and write testimonials like "omgggg i lubb u worzzz xoxoxoxo". its all kinda lame. i just dont get it. really, i BEG someone to just come enlighten me on the point of friendster.
someone to make me happy, someone to make me care.
someone to make me happy, someone to make me care.
absolutely totally
huimin deserves to die. she wants to hit me with a gun, she "cant wait to inflict bodily harm on [me]", and she like hasnt eaten 7/8 of the food in this world. she hates pineapple tarts. and i dunno wad else. grr humin die!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
lets make the best time of our lives
i'm rediscovering my love for the calling.
and i am pissed with myself. very very much. yesterday's rehearsal was amazingly bad. i'm not sure what was wrong, but it just felt totally fucked up. i think one reason could be that the last wk has been so intensive, with tsd and all, that i havent really looked at the script much. sigh.
sorry char.
and i am pissed with myself. very very much. yesterday's rehearsal was amazingly bad. i'm not sure what was wrong, but it just felt totally fucked up. i think one reason could be that the last wk has been so intensive, with tsd and all, that i havent really looked at the script much. sigh.
sorry char.
Friday, February 16, 2007
sleeping on deadvines
i am fucking tired.
lifes been so messy, so hectic, so crazy, i think it might possibly be getting to me.
and maybe, just maybe...
this and that, he, she, dont we all? i guess we will always say a little prayer.
to the stars we look, hoping to find a way out...
might i crack under the stress?
to fall, and then to rise again through the dust and metal sheets...
and lose it all.
lifes been so messy, so hectic, so crazy, i think it might possibly be getting to me.
and maybe, just maybe...
this and that, he, she, dont we all? i guess we will always say a little prayer.
to the stars we look, hoping to find a way out...
might i crack under the stress?
to fall, and then to rise again through the dust and metal sheets...
and lose it all.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
when it all means something
i'm terrible with words.
i think the best way to describe it all is that life's left me, jaded. i think it all really started to get real bad since ip. i mean of course some part of it can be put down to puberty and what not, but really, the things that have transpired, its left me the way i am. and i suppose the thing about it all is that our character, our personality, its shaped by all these. it just so happens i've been so jaded. in some way i've been jealous, forever longing for things i cannot have, and its caused me to become so skeptical and wary of things. and on the other hand, i guess i've also been through stuff, experiences, that has changed me. and the funny thing is, i suppose both having stuff and not having stuff has led me to become who i am today.
not that anyone knows.
not that it matters.
i think the best way to describe it all is that life's left me, jaded. i think it all really started to get real bad since ip. i mean of course some part of it can be put down to puberty and what not, but really, the things that have transpired, its left me the way i am. and i suppose the thing about it all is that our character, our personality, its shaped by all these. it just so happens i've been so jaded. in some way i've been jealous, forever longing for things i cannot have, and its caused me to become so skeptical and wary of things. and on the other hand, i guess i've also been through stuff, experiences, that has changed me. and the funny thing is, i suppose both having stuff and not having stuff has led me to become who i am today.
not that anyone knows.
not that it matters.
coffee
there are so many things i want.
so many things i cannot have.
i guess its a lesson i'm learning to deal with.
so many things i cannot have.
i guess its a lesson i'm learning to deal with.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
do i have a choice?
i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
its so fucking fake,
so terribly pretentious.
all of it. and its horrible.
the worst part is,
i'm fully aware of it happening.
and yet, i'm not sure i could deal with it in any other way.
everything's so fragile,
so weak, so many ifs. its fucking scary to think that,
someday, we're all going to be the same.
we're all going to go around fucking things up,
meddling in things that dont matter,
its all hopelessly stupid.
and yet,
i doubt anyone could accept it in any other way.
its so fucking fake,
so terribly pretentious.
all of it. and its horrible.
the worst part is,
i'm fully aware of it happening.
and yet, i'm not sure i could deal with it in any other way.
everything's so fragile,
so weak, so many ifs. its fucking scary to think that,
someday, we're all going to be the same.
we're all going to go around fucking things up,
meddling in things that dont matter,
its all hopelessly stupid.
and yet,
i doubt anyone could accept it in any other way.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
seeking a correlation in life
sigh. this is so screwed up.
my life is a circular, cyclical mess.
and i think in a way its stopping me from moving on.
i might come to hate myself for this.
who's to say?
its scary, yet stupid, yet simple, yet irritating.
i mean, being me is so screwed up.
i dont think i've ever dealt with myself like that before.
dwelving into my fears,
trying to understand them,
to see how they affect the way i live.
and it does scare me.
i guess there are alot of things i'm afraid off.
is being afraid a natural human instinct?
do we then instinctively shut ourselves away?
i dont think i've ever taken my self apart,
broken my self down and put it all back together,
the way i have recently done.
i guess alot of everything that is,
its not really a matter of me believing in them.
its just i guess i've never experienced it,
or that i've had horrible experiences with it,
and it just makes me cynical.
and full of doubt.
it makes me judgemental.
and whilst its something i have come to live with,
i'm not sure how much longer i can survive this way.
if it carries on the way it is,
i'm not going to have very much left anymore.
i suppose there are many things i want.
many things i cannot have.
somehow i think who i am,
and who i think i am,
i think they are possibly very different people.
its stupid how i can keep asking questions,
questions i'm not sure i can answer,
i'm not sure i can find the answers.
all these questioning, doubting,
it affects the way i deal with things.
i judge things.
i dont think i exactly love to do it or what,
its just its become to natural, so
instinctive.
and it hurts.
i realise its all very self-sustaining.
everything seems to have a way of coming back to itself.
my life is a circular argument with no beginning or end.
and i dont know.
could i live without all these thoughts,
all these worries, all these issues?
why do i even bother?
i think its a way of seeking comfort.
i drown myself with my own thoughts,
so in a way i dont have to think.
i suppose i think about all these circular,
resolution-less stuff,
just so i can distract myself from the things that truly matter.
and just for that moment there,
i thought finally, maybe this could change it all.
but i suppose no, i was wrong.
life goes on.
my life is a circular, cyclical mess.
and i think in a way its stopping me from moving on.
i might come to hate myself for this.
who's to say?
its scary, yet stupid, yet simple, yet irritating.
i mean, being me is so screwed up.
i dont think i've ever dealt with myself like that before.
dwelving into my fears,
trying to understand them,
to see how they affect the way i live.
and it does scare me.
i guess there are alot of things i'm afraid off.
is being afraid a natural human instinct?
do we then instinctively shut ourselves away?
i dont think i've ever taken my self apart,
broken my self down and put it all back together,
the way i have recently done.
i guess alot of everything that is,
its not really a matter of me believing in them.
its just i guess i've never experienced it,
or that i've had horrible experiences with it,
and it just makes me cynical.
and full of doubt.
it makes me judgemental.
and whilst its something i have come to live with,
i'm not sure how much longer i can survive this way.
if it carries on the way it is,
i'm not going to have very much left anymore.
i suppose there are many things i want.
many things i cannot have.
somehow i think who i am,
and who i think i am,
i think they are possibly very different people.
its stupid how i can keep asking questions,
questions i'm not sure i can answer,
i'm not sure i can find the answers.
all these questioning, doubting,
it affects the way i deal with things.
i judge things.
i dont think i exactly love to do it or what,
its just its become to natural, so
instinctive.
and it hurts.
i realise its all very self-sustaining.
everything seems to have a way of coming back to itself.
my life is a circular argument with no beginning or end.
and i dont know.
could i live without all these thoughts,
all these worries, all these issues?
why do i even bother?
i think its a way of seeking comfort.
i drown myself with my own thoughts,
so in a way i dont have to think.
i suppose i think about all these circular,
resolution-less stuff,
just so i can distract myself from the things that truly matter.
and just for that moment there,
i thought finally, maybe this could change it all.
but i suppose no, i was wrong.
life goes on.
Monday, February 12, 2007
i am not afraid to keep on living
optimism is sometimes so scary.
it makes me wonder if there are people out there who really believe.
people who really have reasons, things to be happy about.
and i'm jealous.
i guess, in a sense i think i'm ready to deal. i'm just not sure i can.
it makes me wonder if there are people out there who really believe.
people who really have reasons, things to be happy about.
and i'm jealous.
i guess, in a sense i think i'm ready to deal. i'm just not sure i can.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
walk down this lonely path
its a feeling i cant seem to shake
i am convinced theres something out there,
something we dont quite understand.
something that makes the impossible happen,
something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.
have you ever wondered,
why sometimes reality seems so artificial,
sometimes the artificial seems so real,
so much so you cant decide any more.
your head's spinning out of control,
and you dont know where to go.
and of course,
no one's ever there to save you.
its quite funny. it never seemed to be like that, but i suppose deep down it was. i think for very long i was never really ready to accep that, never really ready to deal with it. and now i dont have much of a choice do i?
i am convinced theres something out there,
something we dont quite understand.
something that makes the impossible happen,
something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.
have you ever wondered,
why sometimes reality seems so artificial,
sometimes the artificial seems so real,
so much so you cant decide any more.
your head's spinning out of control,
and you dont know where to go.
and of course,
no one's ever there to save you.
its quite funny. it never seemed to be like that, but i suppose deep down it was. i think for very long i was never really ready to accep that, never really ready to deal with it. and now i dont have much of a choice do i?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
why you why me
the tightenin of my chest.
the constant urge to eat.
the lack of any hunger.
the urge to punch something.
the need to just distract myself,
so i dont have to think.
the constant urge to eat.
the lack of any hunger.
the urge to punch something.
the need to just distract myself,
so i dont have to think.
trechcoat over my head.
life is pervertic. seriously. life seriously just LOVES to come fuck with me when i'm feeling crappy. i never thought gold 90 could get me depressed, but again i was wrong. i cant believe it. the stupid radio can play 3 horribly cheesy corny crappy songs in succession, and everytime i'd just groan and try to shut it out. and today? it made me feel even worse. grrr. fuck you life.
Friday, February 09, 2007
cringing the way i am
i hate it, living in this limbo i am in. its neither here not there, everywhere, yet nowhere. its sucks to be so unsure. to realise that maybe, just maybe, everything i've ever believed in may not be true after all.
and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.
and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.
the brutality of honesty
today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
tomorrow
theres something econs lectures. i dunno. its a condusive thinking environment i guess. i came out with 2 script ideas. haha.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
to be.
yes i have realised just how little time i have to think these days. everythings so fast, constantly moving ahead, moving forward, no one really takes time out to consider the past. and i guess i dont want to be caught up in that never ending forward pursuit, without looking back. it becomes a chore. i want to be able to sit down, all by myself, and just think. about everything, anything. to strip away all the superficiality, all the facades, all the borrowed clothing, all the painted masks, strip it all away, and deal with everything that's left. i guess the scary thought would be that maybe theres nothing left. maybe its all that i really ever have.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
wishing for things i never had
i guess with each passing day, i'm realising how absurd life really is. beneath the lies we tell ourselves, there lies something that resembles something of a truth. but who really cares? we're all so happy just the way it is.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
shole
sigh. i am tired. very very tired. schools sucking up all my life's energy. theres just something about the fricking lts. (char: yea i tink ure rite about ure whole conspiracy thing). grrr.
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
Thursday, February 01, 2007
all these things that i've done
you know, all these doing and not thinking is doing me a hell lot of good. nowadays, i'm so damn fucking busy i hardly have time to think anymore. and i guess its not a bad thing. i mean, i'm just too tired everyday. come home, i realise i dont have much energy to do anything. but it might be a good thing, cos then i wont be constantly brooding and thinking about all the what-ifs and all that shit. not like last yr. and in some sense, its actually liberating.
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