need vs want

often it is really very simple. (i suspect i'm starting to think like an economist O_O)

i need to figure out my needs and wants. only then i can i settle things. yes. simple isnt it?

say no

he may want to play his childish games, but i swear, i wont. not again. i will not let myself fall back into that angst trap, i will not allow myself to be drawn into yet another meaningless battle. why? because it simply isnt worth it. i've learnt that much. its too stupid, too tiring, having to hate and be frustrated all the time. the only fear i have, is that i may not have anywhere to let it all out. and that might just make me, crack.

fuck you dad.

titles dont make a man

i hate harry potter harry potter. he screws with my life.

on a less exciting note, i have reconcluded that i am actually very normal. i have very normal wants, just expressed in possibly abnormal ways. like seriously. all the abnormal stuff, all the tumultuous rubbish, its all to cover up all the normality within. normality is lame u know, and i dont want to be lame... so i pretend to be different and all. truth hurts, and no one wants to be hurt.

on the other hand, thinking about all this normality shit, it just aint normal is it?

ah well, at least i started with a conclusion. i had another conclusion, but i have forgotten what it is. OH YES!

i have also reasoned why i like music so much. music makes me happy, cos music distracts me from thinking. thinking makes me sad, and music stops me thinking, hence music makes me happy. (any ki student would totally screw my argument over, but wad the hell) and for that alone, music is important. its not just an escape, its...shit i cant think of anything besides escape, but my point is that it isnt just as simple as just being an escape. its like, i feel comfortable, more so than about any other time. really, thinking about stuff just complicates things too much. sometimes, it just so much better just doing. music vs theatre, i'd pick music 7 times out of 10 (there are certain forms of theatre i just cannot say no to). music makes me happy. sometimes, all i really need is a guitar, pen and paper, and time.

time.

hmph

you're surprisingly insensitive, honestly.

seriously, no one takes me seriously.

signpost doctor

i'm not needing some place to go. i'm needing some place to stay.

after all, i cannot be wandering all my life, street after streets, because all streets do end somewhere. i've got to find the main road, and i've got to find it fast. before i get lost.

i need sleep and tons of weep

honestly guess work sucks. you never know where you're going, you dont even know whether you're even getting anywhere. and what is really bewildering is that people do that all the time. i do that all the time! why oh why?? if only life were as simple as math, where the probability of me doing something is but a fixed ratio to something else. i mean, at least then i have choices. but no, life aint so easy is it? so many variables, changing all the time, i really wonder how anyone can figure things out. i do all i can, and i'm nowhere.

yes it does hurt.

its not like writing a book. in writing a book, you can plan the end, and then slowly work out how you're gonna get there. at the rate things are going, i am going to be trapped in a pit hole of misspelled words and misery. and there is no way out. or rather, there is, but i'm not sure how i will get there. and maybe, jus maybe, i'll be just a little too late, and it'll be over.

forever?

disconcerting silence

i know, i know.

who never wished that the world were a better place? who never wished they could change the world? i've always believed that someday, somehow, i will change the world. everyone needs a lofty unachievable goal.

and mine, is to make you understand.

augusts

complications complicate.

its like a spider web, suddenly everything's inter-related, suddenly everything's messed up in each other. and i cant control it anymore. its spiralling out of control with every little action, every missed word, every lost touch.

what a difference a night makes.

i. cant. thing. right. now. pain. pain. pain.

ice ice baby!

i have concluded that i have a thing for Em.

a praise chorus

essentially, i've forgotten.

laimeeyomey?

i think i know why i dont regret stuff. its cos i think about them too much, often before i even do it. ok i am determined, i shall do more things i will end up regretting from now on. usually difference is what matters.

and counting

i have problems. i wish i had problem. then i would be able to find answer. instead of having to find answers. because it is damn tiring, having to find answers all the time.

stoke the ego, place it on the fire.
let it burn, melt it down,
and forge it into an everlasting crown.

i want a theory of everything. that is what is making my life so damn miserable. i have to stop ki-ing my own life. cos i dont think its getting my anywhere. i keep searching for something more, so much so i'm not sure i can appreciate the here and now.

wonderful. i am in a depressed kind of mood. with 31 hrs to do my crit com. crotch com lah.

tell me

i cant do it alone.

rahh.

i need to change. i really really need to. i need to make myself just do things, and not think about stuff so much. i've come to realise, there is no need to intellectualise everything, there is no need to make everything make sense. sometimes, i suppose its actually better if things dont make sense, and to just do. sometimes my thoughts scare me. maybe thats how nightmares come about.

i am jealous, lah.

absurdity in reality

i want fireworks at my wedding. if i can afford it.

OTHER THAN THAT I NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE FIREWORKS EVER AGAIN.

singaporeans. tsk .

non-ego

you are fucking stupid.

you have a problem, and you know it. why cant you just deal with it?? you try to act all so cool, like nothing matters to you, like you dont care, but i know you do. deep down inside, you do care, dont you? and all those excuses you keep making, all you do is you keep putting things off. sooner or later, it'll come back to haunt you. why? cos you're stupid. quit pretending, cos i can see right through you. i will mock you every time i can, seeing you all alone, for i have no sympathy for you. you've brought all these upon yourself.

desmond, you deserve it.

trapped in a cardboard box

shit lah. i am gettin depressed. my stash of honey stars has run out, snow flakes just doesnt cut it. i suspect i may be making excuses for myself just like i always do. running running as fast as i can.

how hard is it to say sorry?
lets find out...

|

i detest pw so much its not funny anymore.

wth lah. its like, life life life life PW!!! life life life PW!!!! life life PW!!!! life. LIFE EFFING SUCKS. ugh hate pw. i mean, i've got nothing against my group, nothing against my topic, yadda yadda yadda, but the whole concept of pw is stupid. moronic. its like having grass on a basketball court, or playing checkers with popcorn. ITS FUCKING STUPID.

RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok objectiveness is key. i shall observe objectively the nature of pw.
assumption 1: pw promotes group work.
yes it does. it promotes group quabbling, arguments, yes it does. pw is directly contrary to human nature. humans are not meant to work together. humans are selfish creatures. the only time they can work in groups is when its voluntary, and absolutely necessary. pw flouts these 2 very basic rules of human nature. stupid, isnt it?
assumption 2: pw encourages students to look at real life situations.
of course it does. and real clever too, we slog slog slog, waste hours and hours of time stressing and working, to PLAN something, that we will never carry out! clever isnt it! so in real life when we go out there to work, we'll just keep planning events, we'll keep on slogging our lives away, so as to come up with a plan we wont carry out! great!

ugh. objectiveness is a lie. i wan my soccer. i hate pw. i want my honey stars. pw can go and fucking die.

lie lie to my american pie

hm ok. hm ok. hm ok.

i suspect theres something interesting and philosophical and complex about multiple repetitions. things in 3s must have some meaning. like why die die die instead of die? or shit shit shit instead of shit?

honestly, there are alot of things i dont get. i should jot down some of my stuff so i dont forget:
- uhh, something about society and something. OH YES! tv, drama, reality tv etc. our perception and understanding of society etc necessarily shaped by images of society we associate with. with tv taking a greater control of alot of our lives, are we losing touch with what society 'really' is? or is society evolving towards the one(s) seen on tv? (i need to think)
- um, there was something about dream analysis yes?
- is the choice of making a choice the most basic, fundamental choice of all?
- dealing with the self before dealing with others (hey if summer can do it, so can i OKAY.)
- national day. importance, absurdity, necessity -> basics of forging a nation and keeping it together -> submitting of will to a greater power -> reinforcement of ideals as a form creating/instilling knowledge

:| is cute

OH JOY!

down with the sickness

the important thing about identity is that it breeds a sense of belonging. to a place, to an ideal, to someone etc. and thats why having a clearly defined identity is important. it instantly sets down various parameters on how you should act, the things you say, even the way you think. and with that identity, it is akin to an entry pass to particular social circles.

and honestly, while i believe the concept of a 'new' identity is plausible, i dont think it is very feasible. i mean, identity is all about what people associate you with. and if you adopt an identity that people cannot associate with, that becomes a problem doesnt it? how do you even clearly define this new identity of yours? 'new' identities seem to be more relevant in the long run, so i suppose maybe we're looking for pioneers.

my point is, often i feel lost in who i am.

lessons to learn, lies to spill

i must learn how to act is a more smart, clever, logical, decent way.

heoheoheoheoheo

honestly, like honestly honestly, i think i am on the path towards madness. or maybe not madness, just some mental condition of some sort. chances are its gonna be schizophrenia. and the funny part is i'm not sure it really scares me much. i mean there must be some way to prescribe it rite. weird hardly covers it. weird is a stupid word. weird should be put in the Official Stupid Words Dictionary, along with words such as meaning and lame and stupid and smart etc. stupid words indeed. fuck stupid words they should all die. really, who needs stupid words? ok maybe stupid people need stupid words. fine i shall be a sensitive twit. there is evidently a use for stupid words.

i know this feeling. hwachong -.- actually i dont. is it freaking me out? no. maybe thats the screwed up part. i must be feeling something, but strangely i dont. i know what i'm thinking, but i'm not sure if thats what i want to be thinking about it. how? i mean, the world has enough benjis and joes at the damn moment. annoying shits.

my point just now was that i'm losing the plot. then again, i suppose i always do. but no seriously, somethings not right. if u havent noticed, good for you! :) whats the point lah, in the end its going to end up in some stupid endless struggle with the self. so stupidly moronic. necessary? it seems all the necessary things in life are stupid and moronic and partly pointless.

i need a funky cool way of ending this post. lemme think.

bah black bah sheep.

nuggets

i have a question.

can a person change who he or she is? i mean, how much of a person's personality, how much of his or her character, just how much is ingrained deeply into a person, such that nothing can change that? i think everyone should have to answer that question. and what if those, i dunno, core values, what if those clash? its like biting into a chicken nugget and realising its peanut inside, which just happened to me. does that mean that i will forever be stuck with all these internal conflict? will the peanut and the chicken never go away? i'd like to think that its like those weird math things, where one zero is more domineering than the other zero. i mean, its more comforting to know that even in things that are beyond our control, we can still exercise some very little form of control over it. wait that statement is flawed. we are not technically exercising any conscious control over it, rather its just that these core values have their own way of dealing with each other. so do we then just leave them to sort themselves out? how long can a person wait, before it is too late?

i am hungry. i need another nugget. well, 'nugget'.

blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb

I need some form of self evaluation.

I wish I knew someone like house. That would be way too cool.

I think I sense increased brain activity in my upper cranium. Wonderful.

There should be some definite way of classifying people. Fear, desires, aspirations etc. Something than cannot be empirically measured, if that is the term (I'm not sure it is). Okay i misuse the term classifying. This is not about classification; it is more like qualifying people. People can be easily quantified - age, height, race, weight, sex, eyesight etc. However I feel there is a need to be able to qualify people, Maybe that is the only way we can truly get to know a person, to be able to look past all the things that can be quantified, and to look for the things that can only be qualified.

There is a problem with this, in that it assumes human interaction to be structured. Here I am assuming that people first look at the so called outer layers, before getting to the inner layers. This is the same as saying that each person is an onion, we all have multiple layers, and to be able to reach the inner layers, one must first get past the outer layers. I would think this to be the normal idea. However, I wish to question this. What if people are in fact not onions? Personally, I do not believe that people are onions. Rather, I think people are more like those fortune wheels we spin at fairs or at lucky draws. However, people are not just any wheel, we are tweaked, tampered wheels. What the arrow eventually points to will depend on the person spinning it.

I much prefer this view of people and human interaction. Why? The onion-view scares me a little, because what it seems to say is that if people try hard enough, and if people know how to, they can eventually strip a person down right to his or her core. The onion will eventually be reduced to onion strips. And honestly? I don't want to be a bowl of onion strips. With the wheel-view, what it seems to say is that people can be selective about who they are. The wheel appears to be fair, but in fact it is not, but only you know it. The wonderful thing about the wheel-view is that it can be manipulated, such that you can allow someone to know everything about you and who you are, or nothing at all. However, the wheel-view is of course based on the assumption that every individual section (vector is the more mathematical term I think, but i am most probably wrong) is filled. Which in many cases, I think they are not, which makes using the wheel-view incomplete and thus flawed.

There is a flaw with this whole argument. What I am here trying to do is to use the onion-view to generate the wheel-view, to some extent. Which then means this argument cannot hold, and thus falls apart.

Splat.

poor you poor me

omg. i just realised that i grew up watching lame ass chi variety shows, chi news, crappy chi dramas and, gasp! 出路 O_O

wtf.

burn it into my memory

and just like that, the moment is gone.

forever? lets hope not.

there's a sense of inquisition,
beyond all the affirmation.
knowing that beyond the bright lights,
there lie a thousand nights.

fuck parentage lah

inherently lonely.

i think, from an economists point of view, being lonely is the best state condition yet.

nets with loopholes

i'm in the happiness-is-a-lie kind of mood.

cant you tell?

doors and chairs

i have a problem.

and i dont know how to deal with it. it has something to do with arrogance, inferiority, jealous, fear, selfishness, who knows what else.

its like trying to fight an invisible enemy. you know he's there, but you're not sure where. so you cant attack, all you can do is to keep swinging that sword and running around, hoping that you somehow hit him, and making sure he cant hit you. its as simple as that.

or not.

indeed the moron

i wish life were like a story book, a great book of fiction, a potter on stilts. then everything would be just right.

you make my heart boil

ARGH. i am so irritated right now, i feel like screaming at everything that remotely bothers me. like my damn mother, so bloody annoying. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

i cant stand dirty players. i really cant, cos its so frustrating to know that you lost not cos they beat u clean, but cos they beat you dirty. its just unsatisfying. and it hurts to, to look at all the work and pain and everything we have to go through, just for some stupid refs to screw it all up. we've sweat, people have bled, pushed all over place, tripped, everything dirty you can think of, and they just blatantly get away with it. fuck lah. just, argh thinking of it makes me want to smash something.

john muk must die. hahahahahaha muk hahahahahhahaha

channel 56

why oh why, do we cry and cry,
seek and seek, for the bleak and weak.

i am annoyed by my lack of elec guitaring. ugh. stupid broken stuck string thingus. argh. i miss the sounds of distortion coming out of my amp very very very much. bleh distortion i miss u :(

i have yet to realise just how much i have to do. lemme see. i have to find 2 texts, work on both of them, get out a duo and a design i/s (wtf). tournament is ending so that shouldnt be too much of a problem. ok wait wait i need a list.

1. tsd - duologue, need to find text, work on text, do text. i/s, need to find text, decide on i/s, do the damn thing. study godot. read up alot more on theatre. god theres so much to do.
2. floorball - ok tournaments ending so this shouldnt be thaaat much of a problem.
3. math- ah fuck lah.
4. econs - see above.
5. ki i/s - shit. what the hell i'm suppose to do i have no idea.
6. piano - insert expletives here. exam in less than 2 months and i'm sooo going to fail.
7. jamming - need a bassist. need to find time to jam. need to jam. need to write. need to record, eventually.
8. me too people - DINNER. argh i miss those people.
9. whatever else there is left. which is alot. ALOT. its so funny how one thing can be everything and everything can be one thing.

see? i'm screwed.








i wonder about something: who the hell am i blogging for exactly? and i have come to a conclusion that i blog for myself. to like, come back and read. well i dont know alot of all these rubbish just come out like that. i mean, who actually reads all these crap. other people's blogs are so much more interesting anyway. its probably my little means of escaping, the whole escapism notion, seeking comfort in the fact that there is indeed something beyond the shit that is reality, somewhere we can go to and escape from everything else. virtual therapy. must be kind of great yea. and half the time i think the things are do are so selfish, because all i'm doing is just amusing myself. who cares?

power of the gone and departed

i'm tired. over and over again, i really am. i mean, i really dont see much point in the whole thing anymore. its reached a point where it is just plain stupid, but hey, what can i say? nothing. its always nothing.

its all that fragmentation thats doing me in. the little bit here, the little bit there, its all too confusing and distracting and ultimately, useless.

hell it always is so much more complicated that it really is, only because it make it so much more complicated.

i guess it has to happen time to time, this whole fall-into-semi-depression phase thing. its prob the result of a lot of factors. tiredness, irritation, annoyance, general distaste etc. its everything, and its so stupid cos it achieves nothing.

so many things to know

there is ALWAYS enough time for soul searching.

unsaid things, all left to fester.
thank yous and sorrys,
never muttered, never heard.
honesty's too much,
honest words not enough.
all we can ask for is the truth.
all the lies, leave them behind,
they matter no more, they help no more.
cos come the time you search deep inside,
you must realise that you've got nothing left to hide.

born stupid, brought up stupid, died dead

i have concluded, i am actually quite normal.

i like to eat, i like to sleep, i like to have fun, i like playing soccer, i like violence, i enjoy sports in general.

so yes, i am a typical alpha male.

now, believe that.

lesson on the mind

Part IV of the Constitution of the Republic of Singapore

Fundamental Liberties

Liberty of the person
9. —(1) No person shall be deprived of his life or personal liberty save in accordance with law. (2) Where a complaint is made to the High Court or any Judge thereof that a person is being unlawfully detained, the Court shall inquire into the complaint and, unless satisfied that the detention is lawful, shall order him to be produced before the Court and release him. (3) Where a person is arrested, he shall be informed as soon as may be of the grounds of his arrest and shall be allowed to consult and be defended by a legal practitioner of his choice. (4) Where a person is arrested and not released, he shall, without unreasonable delay, and in any case within 48 hours (excluding the time of any necessary journey), be produced before a Magistrate and shall not be further detained in custody without the Magistrate’s authority. (5) Clauses (3) and (4) shall not apply to an enemy alien or to any person arrested for contempt of Parliament pursuant to a warrant issued under the hand of the Speaker. (6) Nothing in this Article shall invalidate any law —

(a) in force before the commencement of this Constitution which authorises the arrest and detention of any person in the interests of public safety, peace and good order; or

(b) relating to the misuse of drugs or intoxicating substances which authorises the arrest and detention of any person for the purpose of treatment and rehabilitation,

by reason of such law being inconsistent with clauses (3) and (4), and, in particular, nothing in this Article shall affect the validity or operation of any such law before 10th March 1978.

---------

basically, my point is that yes it is innocent till proven guilty. now darryl, quit arguing with me :D

dont cry

i just feel so stupid and lousy.

when the heart and mind dont even talk anymore...

click click click stop

liberation is hell. or heaven. it really depends.

theres only so much you can say to make it right again.

i'm pressing backspace over and over again.

singing my sappy love song

when you're hanging on to every moment, every word
when you cant help but think and think again
when every breath seems to last forever
when every silence just seems to linger
when it all seems to mean forever
when every step just bounces that little bit more
when every smile seems to stretch that little wider
when it feels like you could go on forever
yes. it is once again.

own3d

i am having such a disturbing day. terrible in fact. how hte hell does one get lucky stuck in one's heard????

btw, here is absolute totaly pwnage:

shuwen:
"OH OH i have progressed in plaing badminton!!!!!
so happy
i can now hit a shuttlecock twice in a row"

its not tiresome, just tiring

tired.

its sometimes really as simple as that. at the end of it all, it usually boils down to the very simplest problem. i suppose the blame is always on both parties. blame is shifted, blame is pushed, blame is contested, whatever. point is, there never is any black and white left in this world. sometimes it'd be so much better and easier if we just say the grey in everything.

i still cant figure it out, somehow. surprising? i dont know. maybe. its like, its this, then that, then this again. it is confusing, it is tiring, and i dont know where it is going. just how many more pleases?

argh. i'm too tired to think. its damn tiring you know. and its not as if i'm not already tired as i am.

SOMEONE BUY ME CHEESECAKEEEEEE

did i mention i hate anonymous taggers? no i didnt. well, i hate anonymous taggers. and i dunno why (actually i have a fairly good idea, but lets pretend i didnt say that) but i feel very mean and bitchy right about.......now. some part of me just wants to grab a chicken and rip it in half and smash it with my tennis racket. gut on gut action hurhur. i dont want to be mean, but i really really really want to do something horrible. its all these cravings, they are so annoying. away cravings!

butterflies arnt flies

hilarious might just be the word of the day.

i know and you know that i am tired/unhappy/emo/depressed/annoyed/someotherstuff when i post more than twice in a single night, and when the post doesnt (dont) really make much sense. oh and yes the crappy grammar is another sign. what the hell. who gives a shit anyway.

when saying hello and goodbye means nothing at all

its very scary how easy it just to lose oneself in the virtual world. its all so safe, its so anonymous, its so, easy. i really dont know how to put it. and wish as i may, i know nothing can change a thing. its so easy to curse and swear, so easy to rant about this and hate about that, because behind that computer screen, there is no one but you. and your eyes see nothing but words. no feelings, no emotions. you cant feel the raindrops slapping against your skin, you cant feel yourself sliding all over the wet floor, you cant feel the minions of evil spirits tearing away at your body, all you see is words.

and no one really understands. no one wants to, no one can.

and its just so easy isnt it? just fingers against plastic keys, the steady tapping of the keyboard to accompany the hum of the air con unit. does one even need to think? cos often, everything seems to come out, and i really wonder if anyone really thinks beforehand.

sigh. honestly, its just too damn tiring.

but never did we try...

ponder the beef fodder

all we need is a little sensitivity,
a little choice to make, a small step to take.

sometimes, the answers lie within, not without. problem is, realisation is a mean bitch.

i've got questions, but whose got the answers?

take it easy
don't you get it's just expression
won't you raise your voice
everytime a little dirt gets under
cry if you want
the return of no sensitivity
you don't have to scream
to say something that you honestly mean

no sensitivity - jimmy eat world

sighsighsigh

WHAT!

ammused is not the right term.

why oh why, my oh my.

the wonders of maybe

training's been good. its a generally specifically good thing i suppose.

ahhh i know when i am tired. when i get tired i start and finish random blog posts. posting 3 times a night is sign of either depression or tiredness.

i am sooo cool with words man. hur hur.

and i never learnt a god damn thing

living in a world of thine own.

its so weird how alike things can be, how roles all seem so similar and familiar.

its a crazy freaky world. full of crazy freaky. some just cant deal. its quite obvious, they dont have a mental and emotional maturity to deal with it. or maybe its all just so contrived. its like a lit poem, its all mush and fluffy, and often theres really nothing much on the inside. something really is wrong with the system. but i wont be like all those stupid idiotic moronic idealist and say how the system must be changed and all that rubbish, because it is all bullshit. it really is. i think anyone who believes in all that idealistic utopian crap is stupid. theres no way we can change the system. we can fight, we can alter it, but we cant change it int he sense of overthrowing it. it jsut wont happen. now if only people would actually get that.

confrontation is a necessarry evil? i'll sleep on it...

and i'm the one to blame

hey i guess somtimes we just got to do what we've got to do. regardless whether it is enough or not, we just do it. no questions asked. and if you cant even do that, what can you do?

wow. all i can say is wow. even i dont think i could ever sink that low. i mean, thats just rock bottom. unbelievable.

its such a strange strange looking world. my hands are numb.

sitting on the fences, one more time

honestly, nothings new. its just all about growing up and realising the world is round, not flat.

angels and neyos

aloof? maybe that is it.

the circus and the tiger

i have come to realise many things. among them, well not really but whatever i'm the one talking so shut up, anyway my point is, i have come to realise something. in a way. i think now i am more at peace with myself. although i suppose that really isnt the truth. the truth tends towards the nature of lies. anyway point is i feel like i can actually talk now. things feel better, different even. maybe its the change in enviornment, the change in people, the change in lifestyle, changes bring about changes.

oh shut up already. i know my grammar sucks, i cant spell and my english is downright horrible, but i'm talking and your're not so i dont give a shit.

so i think it is a good thing, and i think it is going to make me a if not better, at least a more faceted person than i think i already am. i forget what i was going to say. oh yes i remember now. it is a remote possibility, but i might be now finally be able to be honest because i can and not just because i want to. honesty is never the best policy, but people buy it anyway. its all in the saleperson...

round and round it goes around the merry-go-round.

an interesting night just got interestinger

if life were simple, everything would be categorisable. everything would be labelable. but life isnt simple. i wish i were labelable, but everytime i try to think of one label that can actually encompass who i really am, i cant think of anything. someone help me? and everything is so much simpler if everything could be labeled. its like, you could chuck people and things into different buckets and decide how and what you want to do with them.

get me a bucket someone.

whatever bitch

it isnt fair. but it never is.

what a strange feeling.
its so weird how things just, happen without you even knowing it did.
its like, lifes living without you.

i am so annoyed now i just feel like randomly flinging stuff around and just be violent and shit. argh. stupid.

somewhere, always

absolutely love love love them :)

theres so much more inside

home fucking stinks.

stop misleading me like i'm misleading you

i wish, i wish i could just speak my mind. i wish inhibitions were a lie. i wish it were so much easier. but the truth is, it isnt.

i cant deal with it, i really cant. theres always this barrier, this invisible bridge i cannot cross. i dont know if its because i dont want to, or because i really cant. actually, its not that i dont know, its that i dont want to know. there are so many things that i dont want to think about. j1 life has been so different. but i suppose, things last, but not forever. we want things to last forever, and i still hold out for that little bit of hope, but its hard. i mean, everything changes so damn fast. everything just, happens.

i dont know how to say it. i want to, i think i need to, but i dont know how. every possible scenario i can imagine, it just doesnt work. i think this really is the leap of faith. for very long i think i've been lying to myself. there are still the doubts, the possibilities we never want to consider, they are all still there. i'm only knee deep, not in over my head.

sigh. how does one break anothers heart?

i'm not sure where i'm going with all these. somehow, i cant help but feel i'm going round in circles all the time. i keep saying i want something to change, but i think the honest truth is that i'm afraid of change. i'm not sure i can deal with it.

you know, i think i really am what i'm not. somehow, i feel that i aint really who i seem to be. i contradict my thoughts and feelings with my actions, i contradict my beliefs with my mannerisms, i am one big contradiction.

its always the same old problem isnt it? left or right? i end up right in the middle. too fast? forcing. too slow? nothing. i dont know when i'll ever be truly honest with anyone. its such a terrifying thought. actually, i think i'm alot more honest here than i am in life.

i wish i were interesting.

things could be simpler, but they wont. and i know i've gotta do something about it. its not that i dont know how, its just i don care. i'm afraid.

i always am.

dreaming about toothbrushes and annoying bitches

i haf concluded that the annoying age is from 7-14. stupidest most fucked up time of a persons life. ok now the most fucked up time is 15-19. 7-14 is when they are the most annoying.

and i have also concluded, that i am boring. i want to be interesting. why cant i be interesting? :( i wish i were interesting. like, you know, really cool and funky and shit. but i'm not. i'm just getting by. a little bit of this and that, when you add it all up, its just a little bit of this and that.

the wholehearted truth and the half hearted lie

honestly, whats the difference?

spunk baby spunk

the empty sound of silence

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/834653.html

The Correlation of Good and Evil

Under the new guidelines imposed by the Union of Frankensteinian Detractors (UFD), the Correlation of Good and Evil states that:

1. The pandema of apostrophes is strictly defined to left and right
2. Two of the same is never of one kind
3. Bridging the subsistence divide should be left to the destruction of absolute infiltration and denounment
4. Bringing to fore hte misdemeanour of conflicts is a necessary misformility
5. Edging makes little locomotive action
6. To be is not to be
7. Picking up and placing down are polar similarities along the maekenean plane
8. An enhanced distance of 5 kilometric metres must be registered among all disunity
9. The defence of the missing collision should be left to the instigator and marinated by the involuntary crease
10. The collateral effect of vertical inhibition is strictly forbidden

Failure to adhere to any of the above regulations will lead to severe consequences. Repeated offenders face up to 2 gigaseconds of imprisonment on board the oven spaceship, or condemned to confinement among tiny manequins, or both.

PEACE>>>

the only thing under 12 that i'll ever call cute

omg. her voice jus makes my heart melt. omg.

can you fly, ever so high

crap. its happenning. all over again.

fuck lah, singapore really really really sucks. just like that, 3 wks of absolute bliss is gone, over, never to come back again. the misery that is my reality just struck me like, 429 secs ago.

i really hate singapore rite now. it'll prob pass, but i REALLY hate singapore rite now. heh, europe withdrawal symptoms are finally kicking in. damn it.

suddenly, i just dont feel like myself anymore. some part of me feels that i left some part of me somewhere. just like that.

it is coming to an end isnt it? all this happiness, optimism, hope, everything. i'm becoming myself once more. and as much as i hate it, as much as i dont want it, i dunno. i'll do my best, but sometimes, that just aint enough...

things sometimes really sucks. itunes is fucked up, my msn is lagging the shit out of itself, my dad is pmsy, i'm ranty and irritaty and everythingty, ugh. someone come cheer me up, NOW.

NOW.

forget it. i dont even know what i need. suddenly, i just cant feel happiness, like, i just dont know how i can be happy. rite now, everything looks fucking bleak. sch work's screwed up, family is screwed up, schedules are screwed up, everything i wan to do this hols i havent and prob wont/cant do, what the fuck. and thats not all.

NOW, SOMEBODY.

fascination fixation

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

MATT BELLAMY IS GOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

rant 0.78

i feel an inexplcable need to rant. even though i'm not in the ranty mood. i dont feel pissed. i'm not particularly irritated. i'm not being emo. i just feel like ranting. why? i dunno. maybe cos i haven ranted in a long time. maybe its cos i just want to rant. i dunno. i just feel like ranting. of course this kinda all looks terribly stupid cos i keep saying i want to rant but retarded me hasnt actually got around to ranting. which again isnt true because this technically is ranting isnt it? ok screw it i'm going to rant online instead. which again that statement doesnt technically make sense since this is ranting online. but am i ranting? i dont know. ugh. rant rant rant. somewhere there must be some petition going on denouncing the whole stream of conciousness thing. ugh. wad the hell. i love this world, and i ahte this world. AHA! proper rant! ok rant over. goodbye.

holaha

ok its time.

lit trip, was bloody fantastic. super. teriffic. woohoo. i suppose i could describe everything, but that take too many words. so, pictures! tada!








plane ride. very long one mind you.








thats the stratford hostel. kelly's all like: "hm. i think a tennis balls about that big." or smthn.








how anyone can bring themselves to live along that street is beyond my comprehension. then again, jane austen did. but then THEN again, jane austen is beyond my comprehension...









museums are cool man. VERY cool.










i dunno if its not supposed to, but the stonehenge amuses me. i dunno why. it jus does.

oh yes come come my artistic shots :D























gah i'm too lazy to blog about it anymore. come find me for photos if u must. hm i figure i'm pretty bad at this, thing. ah wadeva.

w.i.p

i haf decided that i will blog about everything when the withdrawal symptoms set in. so wait in peace.

what to say?

its over. theres something about the finality of that statement that really sucks. and its reallly weird you know. its like, after what, 3-4 yrs? from now on, weekly mrt rides to toa payoh and back are over. like, OVER. its kinda scary, and it really hasnt sank in yet.

well it was a really damn kick ass production, from rehearsals right up till the performance itself. and i guess there are alot of ppl i must thank. so here it goes.

PMs, SMs for running the whole thing, pushing us when we needed to be push, everything. it really is alot of work for them.

backstage pple: for painting our cubes, arranging everything, making sure our props are there when we need them, you know, these are the unsung heroes behind every production i think.

lights!: haha. randall and siheng. we had alot of light cues, somehow, so yea. thanks lighters!

sounds: our piece didnt have sounds, but like for the whole production, so yea.

fellow actors: for jus making the whole process so fun, and so worth it. you know, life never is dull with pple like cg and junyi around.

me too cast!!!: i swear these are the greatest bunch of pple in the world. they really made it worthwhile for me, and i think its fair to say we've all gained from this experience. we are the rocksiest of all the sexing pple, yo!

char: and of course to manage a kickass cast, you need a kickass director. i suppose it must have been hell for you to manage us, esp with monkeys like me and yx, but u have done it. and as cheesy as the script is, it worked out very damn well. so kudos.

hm who else who else. aiya dunno lah. everyone else i guess, cos really this production, as small as it might have been, was great. oh yes wait!

frens: woohoo wonderful pple thanks for coming down and watching the performance. i hope we all made it worth while for you. 6 bucks is like, 6/1000 of a les paul.

seriously, i think the one thing i've gained from this production is that i'm now more aware, i think. you know, of just, everything. and i think i've also learnt to be more comfortable with myself. how, i'm nto terribly sure. i think its probably because there is something in every character that i, and hopefully everyone, can identify with, and i think thats why the script is such a cool one. and i suppose its also easier for me as an actor, because i dont just have to concentrate on my own role, but rather, a larger picture. and well yea, its been thoroughly fun. i'll miss all the madness, the camwhoring, the rehearsals to nowhere, the weird things we all do, even just hte mrt rides every week. but more than anything else i think i'll miss working with the great people i call cast and director. its been so satisfying, and now its over.

i miss u siningningningningning rooxxxxaaanne char yugaoweixuan :(

nothing can explain how i really feel!

wth

omg

omg i'm so happy. omg its such a great week. omg omg omg.

wow

today is a frigging good day omg.

sch was very gd. very very gd indeed.

the run was pretty damn nice. i felt real. damn.

guitaring is the sex.

the sky is absolutely cloudless, so beautiful.

as of this moment, life is great.

oh and hockey girls won? ok wadeva.

:D

yellow yellow purple mellow

i am in a strange state right now. i'm somewhat happy, somewhat sad, somewhat stoned, somewhat irritated, somewhat. somewhat.

i hate mood swings. they piss me off. but i have them aniwae. how fucked up.

i like honey stars. alot. alot. and shit i am sooo going to grow into a chan poh meng. i'm like eating a million meals a day. wtf.

i've decided that being undecided is a good way to go. i mean, honestly i dont think there's any other way. its all so, iffy.

i wish. i can only. wish.

are we just?

something, not anything, but something. cos it sure as hell beats nothing.

OH MY GOD

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2DctCyO-E3s

OH MY GOD.

togod

somethings gotta change,
somethings gotta give.

someday, someone has got to make a difference. or else it wont matter anymore.

whats goooiiiiinggg on

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

bewteen my trousers, there lies a shirt

life is like your wadrobe. its always bloody messy. and what you really want to do is to sort it out. u seperate the blacks and the whites, the tops and the bottoms, colour code, design code, what have you. you do all of that. but after awhile, it always gets messy again. you cant help it, you know its going to happen. unless of course you're one of those anal idiots who packs your clothes every day until all your life you do nothing but arrange your wadrobe. ironic, you waste your life trying to sort out your life.

saving tonight for last

just standing outside, without having to think about anything else in the world. just stand there, gaze up at the night sky, the star filled blanket that shrouds our nights. stand there, with the smell of jasmine wafting under my nose.

stand there, and you know, it actually is really quite nice.

i cant quite figure out

theres something missing. i just know it. something. something.

honey stars rock my world

being happy actually feels pretty good

you just gotta love mondays

sometimes, i am

a stupid boy
an idiotic boy
a clever boy
an irritating boy
a bimbo boy
a retarded boy
a lazy boy
a lame boy
a boring boy
an ignorant boy
an impatient boy
a crazy boy
a demented boy
a short boy
a bitchy boy
a sporty boy
a horrible boy
an emo boy

but all in all, i am

a boy boy

it takes a little while

it was only a matter of time.

somehow, as always.

i cant help but think.

it must be, it must.

and i just cant.

maybe, just maybe?

often there never is a point.

sometimes, there doesnt need to be one.

wellfuckingdone

i'm screwed. again. as always. as usual. i dont know what to do really. nothing ever changes. nothign ever will.

bloody hormones

i mean, what can i say? bloody hormones...

i like to think i'm right. everyone does.

the pain of anger

somehow, someway, i must supress the inate rage in me. theres no way to get rid of it, i know. its in my bloody genes. all i can do, is to try my very best to supress it, to contain it. i mean, really its all i can do.

i'm in a terrible position. i'm in a position where i know that even if i dont put in the effort, i can still scrape through, i can still get by, and because of that, i never want to put in the effort. that sucks. its stopping me from doing better than i am doing, its stopping me, period. i really dont know how i can change that. fuck lah.

OH BABY BABY, I WAN YOU TO KNOW...

THATS IT IS FICKING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i am happy. i tink. aniwae gd luck fri ppl, though i don tink any of them read my blog, but yea gd luck. i am tempted to quote humin but i shall not.

WARNING!!!

BEFORE NAD GETS TO SAY ANYTHING AND DESTROY MY REPUTATION AS A HUMAN BEING, LEMME SAY FIRST: THANK YOU NAD PLS PLS PLS DON TELL THE WHOLE WORLD.................................................

THX.

THX.

THX.

ARGH I DUNNO WHERE TO HIDE MY FACE ANYMORE. THIS IS RETRIBUTION LAH.

imbarest shit ever

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZMAAc-gFA74&mode=related&search=

ben wallace wtf O_O

you know you are stressin out when

- smells like teen spirit smells like teen shit ok no. when the song makes u stressed. wth
- u think that stress balls stress
- flying things start appearing out of nowhere, haunting your every typed word
- the meteor shower never seems to appear
- u take 20 mins to write 20 words, which you then proceed to delete in 20 secs. repeat process.
- the thing u say most often on msn is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- the reply you get is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- you start considerin the fact that you may be a teletubby in disguise
- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- it takes 3 and a half showings to get your mono anywhere near decent (with a high possibility that it isnt)
- you're more focused on a lj tag den ure bloody cc (a stupid tag specifically)
- you think about drowning yourself in ketshup
- when u write a post like this.

my gutted sorry

which is harder?
to like someone you love,
or to love someone you like?

times are horrendous. theres something about the whole atmosphere of life that just aint happening right now. everything feels so damn wrong. the rain doesnt rain right, the sun doesnt shine right. but i guess its not anyone's fault, only mine.

its really depressing, to think that we could possibly not be able to rectify our flaws. are our flaws inborn? are they coded in our genes and hence forever there? if it were, i find it a very scary proposition. i mean, people in general are propogating bad genes. every child that is born, he is but the manisfestation of mankind's faults and imperfections. but no i shall not think about these stuff. i try very hard not to. i dont want to lose hope in life so early on.

i'm not sure i'm ready, i'm not sure when i'll be, i'm not sure if i'll ever be.

i need something to distract myself. i need a change in perspective. i just need, something. i'd go as far as to say anything, but i dont think that'd be a gd idea. but right now, i'd settle for alot of things. do i need something to make me happy? i dunno, i really dont. i think i could settle for something that wouldnt necessarily make me happy, but that just distracts me. what would make me happy? gettin to know my hot neighbour? probably. getting pedals? probably. its all stuff that wont happen anytime soon or at all. so whats the point? i hope, i really do, that this is just another phase, and that it'll be gone after another few days.

at the end of it all, what really matters is who's left to tell the story.

mono mono mono

i am like, so fucking screwed.

wash away those tears, little girl

it is quite an unfamiliar feeling, to be angry, frustrated, pissed, irritated, agitated, and yet, all that come out, are tears.

i hate it, more than anything else i hate how hopeless it all seems. its almost as if there is no way out, nothing to do but just to wait out this storm. and its a terrible situation to be in. every turn is a wrong turn, every step is a wrong step. how does one escape a reality like this?

so much for vicarious experience

stab stab stab die.

flatter and deceive

and at the end of it all, i'll still be letting someone down.

if it aint you, if it aint them, then its just me.

AN ARMS RACE

hahahahahahahahahahahaha. nadia amuses me.

i find it quite sad. maybe i have a hate gene or smthn, but somehow i just cant like, u noe, just like people. somehow, somewhere, i always find something to hate about a person.

if only things were easier, if only things were simpler.
but what can one do, dwelling on all the ifs?
after all, life moves on, with or without you.

highness dooms me

eeek i havent blogged in like, 2 million years. bleh. i hate life in its totality.

sigh. its just, everything's happening all over again. lifes this really vicious cycle that keeps coming around to screw you over. and i dunno. will there come a point when i'll jus break? its scary to even entertain that thought, but i cant help it.

i'd be lying if i said i wasnt at all afraid.

if i cant even enjoy the simple things in life, how can i expect to ever be happy? i dunno. i really dont. i somehow wish i had, or someone had some kind of answer.

eh wadeva. i'm too tired to pour out all my sorrows onto a random page of words called a blog. its too queer.

strapped across a mrt track

today, i saw a hot girl.

post 500

so this is post 500. well.

i realise that personally, theres something very comforting about just coming to my own blog and just, lingering around.

its almost as if its a different world altogether. a different state of reality. somwhere nowhere nearby, somehow i can just escape from myself.

somewhere to be...

frustration ball

sometimes i wonder if like, everyone is keeping this monstrously huge secret from me. its like, life's trying to cheat me. but of course thats not the case. compared to so many other things around, i am insignificant. no one cares about my secret.

there are so many things i could wish for.

i think there always comes a point in time everything just looks so dam bleak. everything somehow just seems to have to go wrong.

i wonder just how long we'll be able to hold on

i suppose we all just gotta hang in there. no one ever said it was going to be easy. its just, overwhelming sometimes, tho nowadays its more like most of the time. its just, i wonder how long it'll go on, before someone finally snaps.

are you really but one self?

i am terribly fascinated by queer things.

i am very fascinated by death. death, it does alot of things to people. and it very interestin to observe and analyse it all. the way people deal with death is a very fascinating topic. i mean, different people deal with death differently. some drink or take drugs, trying to ignore it, some try to hide it away and pretend like nothing happened, some wallow in their despair, and who knows what else others do. and its fascinating.

and the thing about death, it has a tendency to change people. its evident in real life, or if u dont see it, people write about it. books, forums, movies, everywhere, death is present. particularly in books. i always enjoy a good book that concerns death or murder or the like. its fun to plot the character's emotional and sometimes psychological journey through the story.

sigh i'm losing my mind i think. and i'm rather quite very stoned due to very long days and very little sleep the past few days.

you know i thought about it. if someone did write a book about me, i'd want to read it, but i really dont know what to expect. its quite a scary thought.