bookshop heroes

i need a new template. i need a cool template. i need a template. tem-plate.

consciously, i lie to myself all the time.
subconsciously, i keep asking myself why.
though in my dreams it threatens to speak,
i hold by breath in anticipation of what might come next.

trust me

i hate not having stuff to do. it gets me damn restless.

its sucks to have a little bit of everything, and a whole lot of nothing.

goodbye again

I WAN A GIBSON LES PAUL.

sigh.

i forgot what i wanted to blog about liao.

gotta say something if not nothing

being scared is so easy eh.

this afternoon/evening was sooo nice. sitting in the canteen with phoedebe shu hao ge and nad, just talking, really not giving a care about anything else, and to really talk, it felt so good. sigh. i miss times like these, i really its been quite a forever since i had such conversation. it actually gives me hope in this world again.

theres so much i want to say, words just dont do justice to how i feel.
all of the running away, all of the lingering pain.
i want to be just like those angels that stay awake,
all night just to watch your peaceful sleep.
the shadow of your back fading into the sunset,
with the swallow diving into the never ending cloud.

learning back my heartbeat

oh my god. listening to pink floyd live leaves my brain and body in strange untold places. oh god. my heart is beating strangely now. oh god. pink floyd. oh god.

oh god.

serious damn, a 4 and a half min comfortably numb solo is just indecent man. it leaves the brain in places yet explored. mind fuck baby.

now or never or never ever

i'm bored.

and tired.

and cranky.

and unhappy.

and dissatisfied.

and unpleasant.

the list will go on and on.

until i finally decide to end it.

i want a backstreet boy to punch

fuck you, world. no, correction: FUCK YOU, WORLD.

if you can tell, which you probably cant, i am currently very pissed with the whole urgh world. (i am trying very hard to avoid swear words. i dont know why and i dont want to knwo why. it might get me angry.)

i AJIGHOQH(N@)!UT)goih HATE THE WORLD.

ok now for decent chat.

ok i got physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, defeated. destroyed. i am in a state of shambles, i am caught in a traumatic guitar string. i wish i had a punching bag right now. i dont know why, but i am suddenly filled with rather pent up intent. and rage. and anger. ARGABKQBVIBIBIVOQJOOBO.

i am feeling like an angsty angry boy right now. so, PIKAJOKAB. YOU BLOWJOB. PISS IN MY RED BULL AND SHIT LIKE A HORSE YOU COW FACE PUNK ASS TYRE RUNNER.

ode to the masses

honestly, being sad isnt that hard.

no matter how many times i say it,
over and over till the sky turns grey,
you'll never see, you'll never understand
that deep down someone i actually do care.
though you may think i feel no pain,
imagine that i've got ice filled veins.
the lies told over and over again,
conceal the truth of ghostly shame.
words dont come out the way they should,
meaning always clearly misunderstood.
you put me down cos you know you could,
though i've hoped you never would.
i cant say i've never cried,
right at the death of the plightless night.
stripped it right out of my head,
throw it in the boiler's gate.
let it spin and simmer round,
burn until it wont make any sound.
pause.
left right centre is doesnt ever matter,
its the same the claim the game.
often i do play the clown,
letting myself drown not frown.
but sometimes when the river clears,
into a gashing waterfall,
thats when it only ever hurts,
falling like a wingless bird.
you cant see that it means something to me,
what you think, what you make of me.
we all laugh and joke today,
but tomorrow its only my dismay.

get me lovestoned

really, its not that hard. har har.

smile like me

DISTORTION BABY!!!!!!!

oh baby.

HELLO!

tonight is a weird night. WEIRD. correction: today is a weird day. WEIRD.

me and minghao are currently having a strange conversation about an emo radio station, converting everyone such that we become a "a legion of discontented emo singaporeans" "disconnected AND discontented bent on revolution and overthrowing the government then they take powr", and my ascension to power. and how everyone has to bow to me when i say hello. HELLO! now bow. i am disatisfied with minghao's inability to submit to me.

and my conversation with shu has brought about some very very strange lines. such as this one:

if you want your ring back, you must exchange your dreams for it

i mean, how cool is that? i cna just picture that in some super mega cool fantasy game or movie or smthn. like, woah moment!

oh! moment!

debunking my myth

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

.greatest fear to fear the great..

i fear relationships. why? because for every start there must be and end. for every day there'll be a night. and i fear the end. i fear loss. loss of those closest to me. closest to my heart. people whom i could trust. people i have placed faith in. i fear not being unable to achieve, instead i fear losing what i have. i desperately cling on, hoping it'll last forever. but nothing is forever. is there fprver? who is to say? i fear letting go. i fear having to let go of things i have. letting go is hard. too hard for the heart. it takes too much out of me. its scars too deep. i fear rejection. i fear not being accepted by those i seek acceptance from. not a mass, nto an entity, but the individual. people. persons. and i fear not being able to gain their trust, failing to garner their faith. i fear pain. pain brought about by having to go through life the way it is. the physical pain shall fade away, btu the pain from dealiing with people, egos, emotions, minds, hearts. overwhelming. fragile fragmetns of the soul, yet forced to juggle them, watch to see which is to fall first. i fear letting down the poeple who have placed faith in me. to have to face the dissapointment, the hurt, its just too much for me to take. i fear running away. not facing up to what i should. thrying to escape, though i know i cant. i fear losing control. over my emotions. to lose the control, allowing the gates to break open, i'd be afraid, frightened, cos the repercussions are too great. to be abel to control my emotions is something i want to be able to pride myself for. but maybe its pride misplaced. i fear having to consider all the options of any situation, for it brings rise to too many possibilities i dont want to see. i fear underachieving. not meeting my own standards. others dont matter, for if i dont even meet my own personal standards, its only letting myself down. and yet i fear overachieving. i fear reaching a point where there is no more to achieve. the end. for what then, when theres nothing more to achieve? nothing left to strive for? i fear having belief placed in me. cosi know only too well that it is more thaan likely that i shall dissapoint. i fear things being beyond my comprehension. i seek to understand things that are going on, but if and when i dont, i feel lost. to be unable to be clear of things happening, to analyse but not understand, it'll scare me. and i fear being at a loss, with no direction in which to go, no idea where to turn. i fear having to make decisions. there are too many implications, too many possibilities.
i fear my heart, my mind, but not my soul.
for there is belief. and in that i trust.
could i conquer these fears? probrably not.
i cant make it go away, i wont.
everyday i face all these i fear, but am i fearful? hopefully not.
what do i live for? not for others, not for myself, but for all i fear. i live to see myself faced with all that i am afraid of, over and over again.
why? cos its a challenge. and i like challenges. i thrive on them. not to conquer, but just the ride.
see, i live on adrenaline.

Posted by dessy at 7:25 PM

that, was more than 2 years ago. sigh. see this is what happens when you get sick of reading about holocaust denial and creation-science. you go through old blog entries. what the hell. (note to self: who's you? chances are no one reads this but yourself you idiot, so stop pretending like theres an audience of some sort.)

well i didnt actually read that from my archives. i reread it in my diary, then i reread it on my blog, den reread some other stuff. the thing that really struck me is that, while some things have definitely changed (and for the better, i'd like to believe), some things, well, havent. i mean, i'd like to think that i've become less naive, i'm matured and all that shit, but beyond all of that, there are things i cant help but realise that havent changed at all. in one sense, i dont think i am any closer than 2 years ago in defining who i am. which is a really scary thought. i mean, yes in the almost 3 years i've been in vj i've learnt alot, not just about myself, but in general. but i still am confused about who i am. in sec 2 i thought i knew who i am. sec 3, ok ip1 wadeva, that really fucked everything up. it really did make me reconsider alot of the things i thought i knew, about others, about myself, about life in general. so many things happened, so many things changed, and i say it over and over again, it really forced me to grow up. which is definitely a good thing in many respects.

but the thing that really strikes me about this post, is that for the majority of it, i can still post it now. ok maybe not the last portion (HAHA laugh with me now HAHA). but the whole first section, it more or less still holds true. that aint the scary part. the scary part is this: how long more will all of that apply? i mean, i think at some point, i have to honestly face up to all of that. i cant run forever. i dont want to run forever, even if i'm doing it right now. (HM maybe thats why my dreams are always about running, but i always wake up just before i reach where i want to reach. hm. ok maybe not)

theres another thing i realise. i'm now trying to work out whether i'm more honest now or then. ok desmond shall think. actually, having thought about it, i suspect it is actually quite different. last time, i suppose i could be more honest with others, but not myself. all the hating, all the angst, all the anger, it amounted to some kind of truth, in that beyond all the "fuck"s and all the "shit"s, i probably can sieve out the elements of honesty. now, i suppose i do find it easier to be honest on the inside. on the outside? not so easy. the main difference is this - i suppose last time, i did first, thought(regret/worry/reflect) after. now, i think first, do after. or in many cases, dont do after. and i suppose at least last time, i actually did all those things first. i did stuff i can regret later. now, i'm too scared, i suppose even more scared than last time, and as a result, there are alot of things i want to do but cant, or dont. i mean, so much for development eh. so i suppose i cant decide when i've been more honest, then or now, but i can say i am not more honest than i was, which is a bad thing. i think.

i just had this thought. could this be cyclical? like, 2 yrs and 4 months from now, i'll come back, look at this again, re post it, and realise nothing has changed. scary thought? i hope not.

nope, i cant. not yet.

the age game

i want to live life with no regrets. i want to be able to look back and say, "yes, that was worth it", "no i wouldnt have done it any way else". i want to be able to do that. and now, just 17, already i think i cant.

hur, and you wonder why people never grow old.

in need of some pursuit

ah fuck my sis is watching bring it on. (again, i think)

i've realised, i have a few means of running away. one is music. second one is intellectual pursuits. today whilst i was reading, i suddenly realised, "hey, this aint right." i realised that all i was doing was to just push all the thoughts out of my mind, to bury myself in the thoughts of others, so that i dont have to deal with my own.

i cant believe i've resorted to doing quizes to kill my hopelessly wasted time.

dont think about me

the problem is this. thinking makes me sad and fucked up, but i cant not think. i think (hah) i have some form of addiction to thinking, such that i just cannot not think. and its depressing thinking about it (pun not intended). its a horrible feeling, having to think things through, wondering all the time, and not knowing. because my problem is that i want to know, but i'm too scared to find out. so i create all these possibilities and maybes in my mind, knowing that one of them is probably right, i just dont know which one.

so can i make choices? dont trust me on that. seriously.

who needs money when you've got me?

as my 601th post, i shall make it a meaningful one.

first, i'd like to say sorry. its not really as simple as that, but sometimes, theres only so much you can do.

secondly, i'd like to decide what i want to do. short term. long term can wait.
i want to write a song. and not just some lame emo shit song, i want to write a song that means something. i want to write a song. and i want to write a great song. i want to write a hey there delilah, or a tears in heaven. simple, yet amazing. but honestly, i dont think i have it in me to write a song as good as that. its just, you must have that something. some call it inspiration, i call it...inspiration. i suspect. and anyway, since when did i ever do anything i said i would anyway. exclamation mark!

thirdly, i want to buy a guitar pedal. or rather, multiple pedals. i want a distortion pedal, a delay pedal, and after that special effect pedals. someone give me money. please i beg you.

fourth, i want to make music. ie i want to jam. ie i need to jam. ie i cannot jam. ie i got no one to jam with. ie i'm dead. ie my dreams are going down the abyss of reality. ie i am not thinking clearly.

ie i shall be gone. or begone whichever it is.

need vs want

often it is really very simple. (i suspect i'm starting to think like an economist O_O)

i need to figure out my needs and wants. only then i can i settle things. yes. simple isnt it?

say no

he may want to play his childish games, but i swear, i wont. not again. i will not let myself fall back into that angst trap, i will not allow myself to be drawn into yet another meaningless battle. why? because it simply isnt worth it. i've learnt that much. its too stupid, too tiring, having to hate and be frustrated all the time. the only fear i have, is that i may not have anywhere to let it all out. and that might just make me, crack.

fuck you dad.

titles dont make a man

i hate harry potter harry potter. he screws with my life.

on a less exciting note, i have reconcluded that i am actually very normal. i have very normal wants, just expressed in possibly abnormal ways. like seriously. all the abnormal stuff, all the tumultuous rubbish, its all to cover up all the normality within. normality is lame u know, and i dont want to be lame... so i pretend to be different and all. truth hurts, and no one wants to be hurt.

on the other hand, thinking about all this normality shit, it just aint normal is it?

ah well, at least i started with a conclusion. i had another conclusion, but i have forgotten what it is. OH YES!

i have also reasoned why i like music so much. music makes me happy, cos music distracts me from thinking. thinking makes me sad, and music stops me thinking, hence music makes me happy. (any ki student would totally screw my argument over, but wad the hell) and for that alone, music is important. its not just an escape, its...shit i cant think of anything besides escape, but my point is that it isnt just as simple as just being an escape. its like, i feel comfortable, more so than about any other time. really, thinking about stuff just complicates things too much. sometimes, it just so much better just doing. music vs theatre, i'd pick music 7 times out of 10 (there are certain forms of theatre i just cannot say no to). music makes me happy. sometimes, all i really need is a guitar, pen and paper, and time.

time.

hmph

you're surprisingly insensitive, honestly.

seriously, no one takes me seriously.

signpost doctor

i'm not needing some place to go. i'm needing some place to stay.

after all, i cannot be wandering all my life, street after streets, because all streets do end somewhere. i've got to find the main road, and i've got to find it fast. before i get lost.

i need sleep and tons of weep

honestly guess work sucks. you never know where you're going, you dont even know whether you're even getting anywhere. and what is really bewildering is that people do that all the time. i do that all the time! why oh why?? if only life were as simple as math, where the probability of me doing something is but a fixed ratio to something else. i mean, at least then i have choices. but no, life aint so easy is it? so many variables, changing all the time, i really wonder how anyone can figure things out. i do all i can, and i'm nowhere.

yes it does hurt.

its not like writing a book. in writing a book, you can plan the end, and then slowly work out how you're gonna get there. at the rate things are going, i am going to be trapped in a pit hole of misspelled words and misery. and there is no way out. or rather, there is, but i'm not sure how i will get there. and maybe, jus maybe, i'll be just a little too late, and it'll be over.

forever?

disconcerting silence

i know, i know.

who never wished that the world were a better place? who never wished they could change the world? i've always believed that someday, somehow, i will change the world. everyone needs a lofty unachievable goal.

and mine, is to make you understand.

augusts

complications complicate.

its like a spider web, suddenly everything's inter-related, suddenly everything's messed up in each other. and i cant control it anymore. its spiralling out of control with every little action, every missed word, every lost touch.

what a difference a night makes.

i. cant. thing. right. now. pain. pain. pain.

ice ice baby!

i have concluded that i have a thing for Em.

a praise chorus

essentially, i've forgotten.

laimeeyomey?

i think i know why i dont regret stuff. its cos i think about them too much, often before i even do it. ok i am determined, i shall do more things i will end up regretting from now on. usually difference is what matters.

and counting

i have problems. i wish i had problem. then i would be able to find answer. instead of having to find answers. because it is damn tiring, having to find answers all the time.

stoke the ego, place it on the fire.
let it burn, melt it down,
and forge it into an everlasting crown.

i want a theory of everything. that is what is making my life so damn miserable. i have to stop ki-ing my own life. cos i dont think its getting my anywhere. i keep searching for something more, so much so i'm not sure i can appreciate the here and now.

wonderful. i am in a depressed kind of mood. with 31 hrs to do my crit com. crotch com lah.

tell me

i cant do it alone.

rahh.

i need to change. i really really need to. i need to make myself just do things, and not think about stuff so much. i've come to realise, there is no need to intellectualise everything, there is no need to make everything make sense. sometimes, i suppose its actually better if things dont make sense, and to just do. sometimes my thoughts scare me. maybe thats how nightmares come about.

i am jealous, lah.

absurdity in reality

i want fireworks at my wedding. if i can afford it.

OTHER THAN THAT I NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE FIREWORKS EVER AGAIN.

singaporeans. tsk .

non-ego

you are fucking stupid.

you have a problem, and you know it. why cant you just deal with it?? you try to act all so cool, like nothing matters to you, like you dont care, but i know you do. deep down inside, you do care, dont you? and all those excuses you keep making, all you do is you keep putting things off. sooner or later, it'll come back to haunt you. why? cos you're stupid. quit pretending, cos i can see right through you. i will mock you every time i can, seeing you all alone, for i have no sympathy for you. you've brought all these upon yourself.

desmond, you deserve it.

trapped in a cardboard box

shit lah. i am gettin depressed. my stash of honey stars has run out, snow flakes just doesnt cut it. i suspect i may be making excuses for myself just like i always do. running running as fast as i can.

how hard is it to say sorry?
lets find out...

|

i detest pw so much its not funny anymore.

wth lah. its like, life life life life PW!!! life life life PW!!!! life life PW!!!! life. LIFE EFFING SUCKS. ugh hate pw. i mean, i've got nothing against my group, nothing against my topic, yadda yadda yadda, but the whole concept of pw is stupid. moronic. its like having grass on a basketball court, or playing checkers with popcorn. ITS FUCKING STUPID.

RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok objectiveness is key. i shall observe objectively the nature of pw.
assumption 1: pw promotes group work.
yes it does. it promotes group quabbling, arguments, yes it does. pw is directly contrary to human nature. humans are not meant to work together. humans are selfish creatures. the only time they can work in groups is when its voluntary, and absolutely necessary. pw flouts these 2 very basic rules of human nature. stupid, isnt it?
assumption 2: pw encourages students to look at real life situations.
of course it does. and real clever too, we slog slog slog, waste hours and hours of time stressing and working, to PLAN something, that we will never carry out! clever isnt it! so in real life when we go out there to work, we'll just keep planning events, we'll keep on slogging our lives away, so as to come up with a plan we wont carry out! great!

ugh. objectiveness is a lie. i wan my soccer. i hate pw. i want my honey stars. pw can go and fucking die.

lie lie to my american pie

hm ok. hm ok. hm ok.

i suspect theres something interesting and philosophical and complex about multiple repetitions. things in 3s must have some meaning. like why die die die instead of die? or shit shit shit instead of shit?

honestly, there are alot of things i dont get. i should jot down some of my stuff so i dont forget:
- uhh, something about society and something. OH YES! tv, drama, reality tv etc. our perception and understanding of society etc necessarily shaped by images of society we associate with. with tv taking a greater control of alot of our lives, are we losing touch with what society 'really' is? or is society evolving towards the one(s) seen on tv? (i need to think)
- um, there was something about dream analysis yes?
- is the choice of making a choice the most basic, fundamental choice of all?
- dealing with the self before dealing with others (hey if summer can do it, so can i OKAY.)
- national day. importance, absurdity, necessity -> basics of forging a nation and keeping it together -> submitting of will to a greater power -> reinforcement of ideals as a form creating/instilling knowledge

:| is cute

OH JOY!

down with the sickness

the important thing about identity is that it breeds a sense of belonging. to a place, to an ideal, to someone etc. and thats why having a clearly defined identity is important. it instantly sets down various parameters on how you should act, the things you say, even the way you think. and with that identity, it is akin to an entry pass to particular social circles.

and honestly, while i believe the concept of a 'new' identity is plausible, i dont think it is very feasible. i mean, identity is all about what people associate you with. and if you adopt an identity that people cannot associate with, that becomes a problem doesnt it? how do you even clearly define this new identity of yours? 'new' identities seem to be more relevant in the long run, so i suppose maybe we're looking for pioneers.

my point is, often i feel lost in who i am.

lessons to learn, lies to spill

i must learn how to act is a more smart, clever, logical, decent way.

heoheoheoheoheo

honestly, like honestly honestly, i think i am on the path towards madness. or maybe not madness, just some mental condition of some sort. chances are its gonna be schizophrenia. and the funny part is i'm not sure it really scares me much. i mean there must be some way to prescribe it rite. weird hardly covers it. weird is a stupid word. weird should be put in the Official Stupid Words Dictionary, along with words such as meaning and lame and stupid and smart etc. stupid words indeed. fuck stupid words they should all die. really, who needs stupid words? ok maybe stupid people need stupid words. fine i shall be a sensitive twit. there is evidently a use for stupid words.

i know this feeling. hwachong -.- actually i dont. is it freaking me out? no. maybe thats the screwed up part. i must be feeling something, but strangely i dont. i know what i'm thinking, but i'm not sure if thats what i want to be thinking about it. how? i mean, the world has enough benjis and joes at the damn moment. annoying shits.

my point just now was that i'm losing the plot. then again, i suppose i always do. but no seriously, somethings not right. if u havent noticed, good for you! :) whats the point lah, in the end its going to end up in some stupid endless struggle with the self. so stupidly moronic. necessary? it seems all the necessary things in life are stupid and moronic and partly pointless.

i need a funky cool way of ending this post. lemme think.

bah black bah sheep.

nuggets

i have a question.

can a person change who he or she is? i mean, how much of a person's personality, how much of his or her character, just how much is ingrained deeply into a person, such that nothing can change that? i think everyone should have to answer that question. and what if those, i dunno, core values, what if those clash? its like biting into a chicken nugget and realising its peanut inside, which just happened to me. does that mean that i will forever be stuck with all these internal conflict? will the peanut and the chicken never go away? i'd like to think that its like those weird math things, where one zero is more domineering than the other zero. i mean, its more comforting to know that even in things that are beyond our control, we can still exercise some very little form of control over it. wait that statement is flawed. we are not technically exercising any conscious control over it, rather its just that these core values have their own way of dealing with each other. so do we then just leave them to sort themselves out? how long can a person wait, before it is too late?

i am hungry. i need another nugget. well, 'nugget'.

blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb

I need some form of self evaluation.

I wish I knew someone like house. That would be way too cool.

I think I sense increased brain activity in my upper cranium. Wonderful.

There should be some definite way of classifying people. Fear, desires, aspirations etc. Something than cannot be empirically measured, if that is the term (I'm not sure it is). Okay i misuse the term classifying. This is not about classification; it is more like qualifying people. People can be easily quantified - age, height, race, weight, sex, eyesight etc. However I feel there is a need to be able to qualify people, Maybe that is the only way we can truly get to know a person, to be able to look past all the things that can be quantified, and to look for the things that can only be qualified.

There is a problem with this, in that it assumes human interaction to be structured. Here I am assuming that people first look at the so called outer layers, before getting to the inner layers. This is the same as saying that each person is an onion, we all have multiple layers, and to be able to reach the inner layers, one must first get past the outer layers. I would think this to be the normal idea. However, I wish to question this. What if people are in fact not onions? Personally, I do not believe that people are onions. Rather, I think people are more like those fortune wheels we spin at fairs or at lucky draws. However, people are not just any wheel, we are tweaked, tampered wheels. What the arrow eventually points to will depend on the person spinning it.

I much prefer this view of people and human interaction. Why? The onion-view scares me a little, because what it seems to say is that if people try hard enough, and if people know how to, they can eventually strip a person down right to his or her core. The onion will eventually be reduced to onion strips. And honestly? I don't want to be a bowl of onion strips. With the wheel-view, what it seems to say is that people can be selective about who they are. The wheel appears to be fair, but in fact it is not, but only you know it. The wonderful thing about the wheel-view is that it can be manipulated, such that you can allow someone to know everything about you and who you are, or nothing at all. However, the wheel-view is of course based on the assumption that every individual section (vector is the more mathematical term I think, but i am most probably wrong) is filled. Which in many cases, I think they are not, which makes using the wheel-view incomplete and thus flawed.

There is a flaw with this whole argument. What I am here trying to do is to use the onion-view to generate the wheel-view, to some extent. Which then means this argument cannot hold, and thus falls apart.

Splat.

poor you poor me

omg. i just realised that i grew up watching lame ass chi variety shows, chi news, crappy chi dramas and, gasp! 出路 O_O

wtf.

burn it into my memory

and just like that, the moment is gone.

forever? lets hope not.

there's a sense of inquisition,
beyond all the affirmation.
knowing that beyond the bright lights,
there lie a thousand nights.

fuck parentage lah

inherently lonely.

i think, from an economists point of view, being lonely is the best state condition yet.

nets with loopholes

i'm in the happiness-is-a-lie kind of mood.

cant you tell?

doors and chairs

i have a problem.

and i dont know how to deal with it. it has something to do with arrogance, inferiority, jealous, fear, selfishness, who knows what else.

its like trying to fight an invisible enemy. you know he's there, but you're not sure where. so you cant attack, all you can do is to keep swinging that sword and running around, hoping that you somehow hit him, and making sure he cant hit you. its as simple as that.

or not.

indeed the moron

i wish life were like a story book, a great book of fiction, a potter on stilts. then everything would be just right.

you make my heart boil

ARGH. i am so irritated right now, i feel like screaming at everything that remotely bothers me. like my damn mother, so bloody annoying. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

i cant stand dirty players. i really cant, cos its so frustrating to know that you lost not cos they beat u clean, but cos they beat you dirty. its just unsatisfying. and it hurts to, to look at all the work and pain and everything we have to go through, just for some stupid refs to screw it all up. we've sweat, people have bled, pushed all over place, tripped, everything dirty you can think of, and they just blatantly get away with it. fuck lah. just, argh thinking of it makes me want to smash something.

john muk must die. hahahahahaha muk hahahahahhahaha

channel 56

why oh why, do we cry and cry,
seek and seek, for the bleak and weak.

i am annoyed by my lack of elec guitaring. ugh. stupid broken stuck string thingus. argh. i miss the sounds of distortion coming out of my amp very very very much. bleh distortion i miss u :(

i have yet to realise just how much i have to do. lemme see. i have to find 2 texts, work on both of them, get out a duo and a design i/s (wtf). tournament is ending so that shouldnt be too much of a problem. ok wait wait i need a list.

1. tsd - duologue, need to find text, work on text, do text. i/s, need to find text, decide on i/s, do the damn thing. study godot. read up alot more on theatre. god theres so much to do.
2. floorball - ok tournaments ending so this shouldnt be thaaat much of a problem.
3. math- ah fuck lah.
4. econs - see above.
5. ki i/s - shit. what the hell i'm suppose to do i have no idea.
6. piano - insert expletives here. exam in less than 2 months and i'm sooo going to fail.
7. jamming - need a bassist. need to find time to jam. need to jam. need to write. need to record, eventually.
8. me too people - DINNER. argh i miss those people.
9. whatever else there is left. which is alot. ALOT. its so funny how one thing can be everything and everything can be one thing.

see? i'm screwed.








i wonder about something: who the hell am i blogging for exactly? and i have come to a conclusion that i blog for myself. to like, come back and read. well i dont know alot of all these rubbish just come out like that. i mean, who actually reads all these crap. other people's blogs are so much more interesting anyway. its probably my little means of escaping, the whole escapism notion, seeking comfort in the fact that there is indeed something beyond the shit that is reality, somewhere we can go to and escape from everything else. virtual therapy. must be kind of great yea. and half the time i think the things are do are so selfish, because all i'm doing is just amusing myself. who cares?

power of the gone and departed

i'm tired. over and over again, i really am. i mean, i really dont see much point in the whole thing anymore. its reached a point where it is just plain stupid, but hey, what can i say? nothing. its always nothing.

its all that fragmentation thats doing me in. the little bit here, the little bit there, its all too confusing and distracting and ultimately, useless.

hell it always is so much more complicated that it really is, only because it make it so much more complicated.

i guess it has to happen time to time, this whole fall-into-semi-depression phase thing. its prob the result of a lot of factors. tiredness, irritation, annoyance, general distaste etc. its everything, and its so stupid cos it achieves nothing.

so many things to know

there is ALWAYS enough time for soul searching.

unsaid things, all left to fester.
thank yous and sorrys,
never muttered, never heard.
honesty's too much,
honest words not enough.
all we can ask for is the truth.
all the lies, leave them behind,
they matter no more, they help no more.
cos come the time you search deep inside,
you must realise that you've got nothing left to hide.

born stupid, brought up stupid, died dead

i have concluded, i am actually quite normal.

i like to eat, i like to sleep, i like to have fun, i like playing soccer, i like violence, i enjoy sports in general.

so yes, i am a typical alpha male.

now, believe that.

lesson on the mind

Part IV of the Constitution of the Republic of Singapore

Fundamental Liberties

Liberty of the person
9. —(1) No person shall be deprived of his life or personal liberty save in accordance with law. (2) Where a complaint is made to the High Court or any Judge thereof that a person is being unlawfully detained, the Court shall inquire into the complaint and, unless satisfied that the detention is lawful, shall order him to be produced before the Court and release him. (3) Where a person is arrested, he shall be informed as soon as may be of the grounds of his arrest and shall be allowed to consult and be defended by a legal practitioner of his choice. (4) Where a person is arrested and not released, he shall, without unreasonable delay, and in any case within 48 hours (excluding the time of any necessary journey), be produced before a Magistrate and shall not be further detained in custody without the Magistrate’s authority. (5) Clauses (3) and (4) shall not apply to an enemy alien or to any person arrested for contempt of Parliament pursuant to a warrant issued under the hand of the Speaker. (6) Nothing in this Article shall invalidate any law —

(a) in force before the commencement of this Constitution which authorises the arrest and detention of any person in the interests of public safety, peace and good order; or

(b) relating to the misuse of drugs or intoxicating substances which authorises the arrest and detention of any person for the purpose of treatment and rehabilitation,

by reason of such law being inconsistent with clauses (3) and (4), and, in particular, nothing in this Article shall affect the validity or operation of any such law before 10th March 1978.

---------

basically, my point is that yes it is innocent till proven guilty. now darryl, quit arguing with me :D

dont cry

i just feel so stupid and lousy.

when the heart and mind dont even talk anymore...

click click click stop

liberation is hell. or heaven. it really depends.

theres only so much you can say to make it right again.

i'm pressing backspace over and over again.

singing my sappy love song

when you're hanging on to every moment, every word
when you cant help but think and think again
when every breath seems to last forever
when every silence just seems to linger
when it all seems to mean forever
when every step just bounces that little bit more
when every smile seems to stretch that little wider
when it feels like you could go on forever
yes. it is once again.

own3d

i am having such a disturbing day. terrible in fact. how hte hell does one get lucky stuck in one's heard????

btw, here is absolute totaly pwnage:

shuwen:
"OH OH i have progressed in plaing badminton!!!!!
so happy
i can now hit a shuttlecock twice in a row"

its not tiresome, just tiring

tired.

its sometimes really as simple as that. at the end of it all, it usually boils down to the very simplest problem. i suppose the blame is always on both parties. blame is shifted, blame is pushed, blame is contested, whatever. point is, there never is any black and white left in this world. sometimes it'd be so much better and easier if we just say the grey in everything.

i still cant figure it out, somehow. surprising? i dont know. maybe. its like, its this, then that, then this again. it is confusing, it is tiring, and i dont know where it is going. just how many more pleases?

argh. i'm too tired to think. its damn tiring you know. and its not as if i'm not already tired as i am.

SOMEONE BUY ME CHEESECAKEEEEEE

did i mention i hate anonymous taggers? no i didnt. well, i hate anonymous taggers. and i dunno why (actually i have a fairly good idea, but lets pretend i didnt say that) but i feel very mean and bitchy right about.......now. some part of me just wants to grab a chicken and rip it in half and smash it with my tennis racket. gut on gut action hurhur. i dont want to be mean, but i really really really want to do something horrible. its all these cravings, they are so annoying. away cravings!

butterflies arnt flies

hilarious might just be the word of the day.

i know and you know that i am tired/unhappy/emo/depressed/annoyed/someotherstuff when i post more than twice in a single night, and when the post doesnt (dont) really make much sense. oh and yes the crappy grammar is another sign. what the hell. who gives a shit anyway.

when saying hello and goodbye means nothing at all

its very scary how easy it just to lose oneself in the virtual world. its all so safe, its so anonymous, its so, easy. i really dont know how to put it. and wish as i may, i know nothing can change a thing. its so easy to curse and swear, so easy to rant about this and hate about that, because behind that computer screen, there is no one but you. and your eyes see nothing but words. no feelings, no emotions. you cant feel the raindrops slapping against your skin, you cant feel yourself sliding all over the wet floor, you cant feel the minions of evil spirits tearing away at your body, all you see is words.

and no one really understands. no one wants to, no one can.

and its just so easy isnt it? just fingers against plastic keys, the steady tapping of the keyboard to accompany the hum of the air con unit. does one even need to think? cos often, everything seems to come out, and i really wonder if anyone really thinks beforehand.

sigh. honestly, its just too damn tiring.

but never did we try...

ponder the beef fodder

all we need is a little sensitivity,
a little choice to make, a small step to take.

sometimes, the answers lie within, not without. problem is, realisation is a mean bitch.

i've got questions, but whose got the answers?

take it easy
don't you get it's just expression
won't you raise your voice
everytime a little dirt gets under
cry if you want
the return of no sensitivity
you don't have to scream
to say something that you honestly mean

no sensitivity - jimmy eat world

sighsighsigh

WHAT!

ammused is not the right term.

why oh why, my oh my.

the wonders of maybe

training's been good. its a generally specifically good thing i suppose.

ahhh i know when i am tired. when i get tired i start and finish random blog posts. posting 3 times a night is sign of either depression or tiredness.

i am sooo cool with words man. hur hur.

and i never learnt a god damn thing

living in a world of thine own.

its so weird how alike things can be, how roles all seem so similar and familiar.

its a crazy freaky world. full of crazy freaky. some just cant deal. its quite obvious, they dont have a mental and emotional maturity to deal with it. or maybe its all just so contrived. its like a lit poem, its all mush and fluffy, and often theres really nothing much on the inside. something really is wrong with the system. but i wont be like all those stupid idiotic moronic idealist and say how the system must be changed and all that rubbish, because it is all bullshit. it really is. i think anyone who believes in all that idealistic utopian crap is stupid. theres no way we can change the system. we can fight, we can alter it, but we cant change it int he sense of overthrowing it. it jsut wont happen. now if only people would actually get that.

confrontation is a necessarry evil? i'll sleep on it...

and i'm the one to blame

hey i guess somtimes we just got to do what we've got to do. regardless whether it is enough or not, we just do it. no questions asked. and if you cant even do that, what can you do?

wow. all i can say is wow. even i dont think i could ever sink that low. i mean, thats just rock bottom. unbelievable.

its such a strange strange looking world. my hands are numb.

sitting on the fences, one more time

honestly, nothings new. its just all about growing up and realising the world is round, not flat.

angels and neyos

aloof? maybe that is it.

the circus and the tiger

i have come to realise many things. among them, well not really but whatever i'm the one talking so shut up, anyway my point is, i have come to realise something. in a way. i think now i am more at peace with myself. although i suppose that really isnt the truth. the truth tends towards the nature of lies. anyway point is i feel like i can actually talk now. things feel better, different even. maybe its the change in enviornment, the change in people, the change in lifestyle, changes bring about changes.

oh shut up already. i know my grammar sucks, i cant spell and my english is downright horrible, but i'm talking and your're not so i dont give a shit.

so i think it is a good thing, and i think it is going to make me a if not better, at least a more faceted person than i think i already am. i forget what i was going to say. oh yes i remember now. it is a remote possibility, but i might be now finally be able to be honest because i can and not just because i want to. honesty is never the best policy, but people buy it anyway. its all in the saleperson...

round and round it goes around the merry-go-round.

an interesting night just got interestinger

if life were simple, everything would be categorisable. everything would be labelable. but life isnt simple. i wish i were labelable, but everytime i try to think of one label that can actually encompass who i really am, i cant think of anything. someone help me? and everything is so much simpler if everything could be labeled. its like, you could chuck people and things into different buckets and decide how and what you want to do with them.

get me a bucket someone.

whatever bitch

it isnt fair. but it never is.

what a strange feeling.
its so weird how things just, happen without you even knowing it did.
its like, lifes living without you.

i am so annoyed now i just feel like randomly flinging stuff around and just be violent and shit. argh. stupid.

somewhere, always

absolutely love love love them :)

theres so much more inside

home fucking stinks.

stop misleading me like i'm misleading you

i wish, i wish i could just speak my mind. i wish inhibitions were a lie. i wish it were so much easier. but the truth is, it isnt.

i cant deal with it, i really cant. theres always this barrier, this invisible bridge i cannot cross. i dont know if its because i dont want to, or because i really cant. actually, its not that i dont know, its that i dont want to know. there are so many things that i dont want to think about. j1 life has been so different. but i suppose, things last, but not forever. we want things to last forever, and i still hold out for that little bit of hope, but its hard. i mean, everything changes so damn fast. everything just, happens.

i dont know how to say it. i want to, i think i need to, but i dont know how. every possible scenario i can imagine, it just doesnt work. i think this really is the leap of faith. for very long i think i've been lying to myself. there are still the doubts, the possibilities we never want to consider, they are all still there. i'm only knee deep, not in over my head.

sigh. how does one break anothers heart?

i'm not sure where i'm going with all these. somehow, i cant help but feel i'm going round in circles all the time. i keep saying i want something to change, but i think the honest truth is that i'm afraid of change. i'm not sure i can deal with it.

you know, i think i really am what i'm not. somehow, i feel that i aint really who i seem to be. i contradict my thoughts and feelings with my actions, i contradict my beliefs with my mannerisms, i am one big contradiction.

its always the same old problem isnt it? left or right? i end up right in the middle. too fast? forcing. too slow? nothing. i dont know when i'll ever be truly honest with anyone. its such a terrifying thought. actually, i think i'm alot more honest here than i am in life.

i wish i were interesting.

things could be simpler, but they wont. and i know i've gotta do something about it. its not that i dont know how, its just i don care. i'm afraid.

i always am.

dreaming about toothbrushes and annoying bitches

i haf concluded that the annoying age is from 7-14. stupidest most fucked up time of a persons life. ok now the most fucked up time is 15-19. 7-14 is when they are the most annoying.

and i have also concluded, that i am boring. i want to be interesting. why cant i be interesting? :( i wish i were interesting. like, you know, really cool and funky and shit. but i'm not. i'm just getting by. a little bit of this and that, when you add it all up, its just a little bit of this and that.

the wholehearted truth and the half hearted lie

honestly, whats the difference?

spunk baby spunk

the empty sound of silence

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/834653.html

The Correlation of Good and Evil

Under the new guidelines imposed by the Union of Frankensteinian Detractors (UFD), the Correlation of Good and Evil states that:

1. The pandema of apostrophes is strictly defined to left and right
2. Two of the same is never of one kind
3. Bridging the subsistence divide should be left to the destruction of absolute infiltration and denounment
4. Bringing to fore hte misdemeanour of conflicts is a necessary misformility
5. Edging makes little locomotive action
6. To be is not to be
7. Picking up and placing down are polar similarities along the maekenean plane
8. An enhanced distance of 5 kilometric metres must be registered among all disunity
9. The defence of the missing collision should be left to the instigator and marinated by the involuntary crease
10. The collateral effect of vertical inhibition is strictly forbidden

Failure to adhere to any of the above regulations will lead to severe consequences. Repeated offenders face up to 2 gigaseconds of imprisonment on board the oven spaceship, or condemned to confinement among tiny manequins, or both.

PEACE>>>

the only thing under 12 that i'll ever call cute

omg. her voice jus makes my heart melt. omg.

can you fly, ever so high

crap. its happenning. all over again.

fuck lah, singapore really really really sucks. just like that, 3 wks of absolute bliss is gone, over, never to come back again. the misery that is my reality just struck me like, 429 secs ago.

i really hate singapore rite now. it'll prob pass, but i REALLY hate singapore rite now. heh, europe withdrawal symptoms are finally kicking in. damn it.

suddenly, i just dont feel like myself anymore. some part of me feels that i left some part of me somewhere. just like that.

it is coming to an end isnt it? all this happiness, optimism, hope, everything. i'm becoming myself once more. and as much as i hate it, as much as i dont want it, i dunno. i'll do my best, but sometimes, that just aint enough...

things sometimes really sucks. itunes is fucked up, my msn is lagging the shit out of itself, my dad is pmsy, i'm ranty and irritaty and everythingty, ugh. someone come cheer me up, NOW.

NOW.

forget it. i dont even know what i need. suddenly, i just cant feel happiness, like, i just dont know how i can be happy. rite now, everything looks fucking bleak. sch work's screwed up, family is screwed up, schedules are screwed up, everything i wan to do this hols i havent and prob wont/cant do, what the fuck. and thats not all.

NOW, SOMEBODY.

fascination fixation

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

MATT BELLAMY IS GOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

rant 0.78

i feel an inexplcable need to rant. even though i'm not in the ranty mood. i dont feel pissed. i'm not particularly irritated. i'm not being emo. i just feel like ranting. why? i dunno. maybe cos i haven ranted in a long time. maybe its cos i just want to rant. i dunno. i just feel like ranting. of course this kinda all looks terribly stupid cos i keep saying i want to rant but retarded me hasnt actually got around to ranting. which again isnt true because this technically is ranting isnt it? ok screw it i'm going to rant online instead. which again that statement doesnt technically make sense since this is ranting online. but am i ranting? i dont know. ugh. rant rant rant. somewhere there must be some petition going on denouncing the whole stream of conciousness thing. ugh. wad the hell. i love this world, and i ahte this world. AHA! proper rant! ok rant over. goodbye.

holaha

ok its time.

lit trip, was bloody fantastic. super. teriffic. woohoo. i suppose i could describe everything, but that take too many words. so, pictures! tada!








plane ride. very long one mind you.








thats the stratford hostel. kelly's all like: "hm. i think a tennis balls about that big." or smthn.








how anyone can bring themselves to live along that street is beyond my comprehension. then again, jane austen did. but then THEN again, jane austen is beyond my comprehension...









museums are cool man. VERY cool.










i dunno if its not supposed to, but the stonehenge amuses me. i dunno why. it jus does.

oh yes come come my artistic shots :D























gah i'm too lazy to blog about it anymore. come find me for photos if u must. hm i figure i'm pretty bad at this, thing. ah wadeva.

w.i.p

i haf decided that i will blog about everything when the withdrawal symptoms set in. so wait in peace.

what to say?

its over. theres something about the finality of that statement that really sucks. and its reallly weird you know. its like, after what, 3-4 yrs? from now on, weekly mrt rides to toa payoh and back are over. like, OVER. its kinda scary, and it really hasnt sank in yet.

well it was a really damn kick ass production, from rehearsals right up till the performance itself. and i guess there are alot of ppl i must thank. so here it goes.

PMs, SMs for running the whole thing, pushing us when we needed to be push, everything. it really is alot of work for them.

backstage pple: for painting our cubes, arranging everything, making sure our props are there when we need them, you know, these are the unsung heroes behind every production i think.

lights!: haha. randall and siheng. we had alot of light cues, somehow, so yea. thanks lighters!

sounds: our piece didnt have sounds, but like for the whole production, so yea.

fellow actors: for jus making the whole process so fun, and so worth it. you know, life never is dull with pple like cg and junyi around.

me too cast!!!: i swear these are the greatest bunch of pple in the world. they really made it worthwhile for me, and i think its fair to say we've all gained from this experience. we are the rocksiest of all the sexing pple, yo!

char: and of course to manage a kickass cast, you need a kickass director. i suppose it must have been hell for you to manage us, esp with monkeys like me and yx, but u have done it. and as cheesy as the script is, it worked out very damn well. so kudos.

hm who else who else. aiya dunno lah. everyone else i guess, cos really this production, as small as it might have been, was great. oh yes wait!

frens: woohoo wonderful pple thanks for coming down and watching the performance. i hope we all made it worth while for you. 6 bucks is like, 6/1000 of a les paul.

seriously, i think the one thing i've gained from this production is that i'm now more aware, i think. you know, of just, everything. and i think i've also learnt to be more comfortable with myself. how, i'm nto terribly sure. i think its probably because there is something in every character that i, and hopefully everyone, can identify with, and i think thats why the script is such a cool one. and i suppose its also easier for me as an actor, because i dont just have to concentrate on my own role, but rather, a larger picture. and well yea, its been thoroughly fun. i'll miss all the madness, the camwhoring, the rehearsals to nowhere, the weird things we all do, even just hte mrt rides every week. but more than anything else i think i'll miss working with the great people i call cast and director. its been so satisfying, and now its over.

i miss u siningningningningning rooxxxxaaanne char yugaoweixuan :(

nothing can explain how i really feel!

wth

omg

omg i'm so happy. omg its such a great week. omg omg omg.

wow

today is a frigging good day omg.

sch was very gd. very very gd indeed.

the run was pretty damn nice. i felt real. damn.

guitaring is the sex.

the sky is absolutely cloudless, so beautiful.

as of this moment, life is great.

oh and hockey girls won? ok wadeva.

:D

yellow yellow purple mellow

i am in a strange state right now. i'm somewhat happy, somewhat sad, somewhat stoned, somewhat irritated, somewhat. somewhat.

i hate mood swings. they piss me off. but i have them aniwae. how fucked up.

i like honey stars. alot. alot. and shit i am sooo going to grow into a chan poh meng. i'm like eating a million meals a day. wtf.

i've decided that being undecided is a good way to go. i mean, honestly i dont think there's any other way. its all so, iffy.

i wish. i can only. wish.

are we just?

something, not anything, but something. cos it sure as hell beats nothing.

OH MY GOD

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2DctCyO-E3s

OH MY GOD.

togod

somethings gotta change,
somethings gotta give.

someday, someone has got to make a difference. or else it wont matter anymore.

whats goooiiiiinggg on

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

bewteen my trousers, there lies a shirt

life is like your wadrobe. its always bloody messy. and what you really want to do is to sort it out. u seperate the blacks and the whites, the tops and the bottoms, colour code, design code, what have you. you do all of that. but after awhile, it always gets messy again. you cant help it, you know its going to happen. unless of course you're one of those anal idiots who packs your clothes every day until all your life you do nothing but arrange your wadrobe. ironic, you waste your life trying to sort out your life.

saving tonight for last

just standing outside, without having to think about anything else in the world. just stand there, gaze up at the night sky, the star filled blanket that shrouds our nights. stand there, with the smell of jasmine wafting under my nose.

stand there, and you know, it actually is really quite nice.

i cant quite figure out

theres something missing. i just know it. something. something.

honey stars rock my world

being happy actually feels pretty good

you just gotta love mondays

sometimes, i am

a stupid boy
an idiotic boy
a clever boy
an irritating boy
a bimbo boy
a retarded boy
a lazy boy
a lame boy
a boring boy
an ignorant boy
an impatient boy
a crazy boy
a demented boy
a short boy
a bitchy boy
a sporty boy
a horrible boy
an emo boy

but all in all, i am

a boy boy

it takes a little while

it was only a matter of time.

somehow, as always.

i cant help but think.

it must be, it must.

and i just cant.

maybe, just maybe?

often there never is a point.

sometimes, there doesnt need to be one.

wellfuckingdone

i'm screwed. again. as always. as usual. i dont know what to do really. nothing ever changes. nothign ever will.

bloody hormones

i mean, what can i say? bloody hormones...

i like to think i'm right. everyone does.