happiness resides in those who seek nothing of the meaning to their existence.

sigh. valentines day once more. i dont want to be cynical. sometimes, its so depressing. the truth is, there isnt anyone left to talk to anymore...

groups has ended. at least for now. suddenly, things are going to have to go back to normal again. i dunno if i can deal. no more late nights, no more thaipan, no more dancing...

for some people its so easy you know.
all they have to do is be themselves.
and i dont know how they can do it,
just throwing such words around.
often, all i want to do is to lose myself.
find some way to stop those thoughts,
to just let go, all of it.
but its not easy, it never is.
life doesnt give you second chances,
you've got to work for them.
and sometimes, no one cares see.
no one wants to admit to being weak.
no one wants this curse that is defeat.

things have been so tiring. crazy. i have become crazy. or rather more crazy. and well, everything is speeding. suddenly there isnt time anymore. everyone's rushing to do so many things. too many things, too little time.

honestly, too many things to say, too little words to express just how i want to feel.

what a blissful 18th birthday =)

thanks you friends.

what does it say, when even using an exclamation mark in a sentence is difficult?

what really sucks, is having everything you ever wanted taken away from you.

without even a reason why.

i realise, my anger is very self-destructive. i think i need anger management. its been too long since i've had anyone to talk to. the actual period of actually being angry isnt long. its all the shit that comes after. it kills me from within. its just, i dont have anyway to get it out. especially now, when he has to be so fucking moronic to take my guitar away just cos of some fucking piano exam. it all makes no sense at all. how stupid can parents be? ugh. i really feel like ranting now, and just, you know, everything. but then, i dont. in some ways, i cant. i'm doing all this shit to myself anyway.

running around in circles all the time.
licking the salt in my paper cut wound.

gosh, january is over, just like that. it still feels strange being j2. its almost like it hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know when it will. but oh well, everything takes time i guess. you know what they say about time healing all wounds. in a way, i think its true. the question to ask is, just how long are you going to wait? we dont live forever, we dont heal forever. i suspect many people go through their lives with wounds that will never heal.

the thing is, most people dont care the way i do, i think. maybe i'm just anal, maybe i have some kind of complex, but i suppose the core of it is just a desire to be specific. trying to sort out the differences between 'can' and 'will'. the differences between 'must' and 'are'. its all about the phrasing, these questions... i mean, different questions ask for different answers. there is a difference between "can you do something?" vs "will you do something?". one does not necessarily lead to the other. i suppose people just assume that correlation.

i think the one thing i need to figure out is what i want. okay so it probably isnt that simple. its more like, among all the things that i want, what do i want most? i havent figured that out, and honestly i dont think i am anywhere close to figuring that out. and you know, i am turning 18 in 4 days. i should really get to figuring this out. i cant just get on in life not knowing what i want. i need a direction, i need a goal.

its hard wanting something you cant get.

sometimes, i really just want to be happy.

if only just for awhile...

everyone's got their own flaws. that's what makes us different from each other. and i mean, sometimes it is very hard to deal. sometimes it does get too much, where you just feel like giving up, where you just feel like letting lose all that pent up frustration. its so easy to say that we should tolerate. the question really is, how much does one tolerate?

i like to judge people. that's the honest truth. i like to judge people, to make sense of the relationships, everything. do i adopt the position of someone greater, someone superior? i dont think i do. i hope i dont. i wonder how much people judge me. i wonder if people judge me as much as i judge myself. is judgement bad? is it wrong to pass judgement? i dunno, it depends i guess. it can be argued that it is our judgement that determines who we are. like, what you like, what you dislike. its all judging isnt it? but at the same time, judgement can be "wrong". i think its not so much the judgement, but rather if we act on those judgements. by taking action i think we're bringing it pass just the act of judging.

i dont know if i have a sense of what's right and wrong. my mind works weirdly. i dont know if i'm in any position to judge people.

turning 18 soon. man, that must feel good.

thank goodness we now have a fantabulous group piece.

(i will attempt a longer more coherent blog post when my mind becomes longer and more coherent)

how can we win, when fools can be king?

fuck pop up ads.

she's slipping away once more.

i am confused. i keep having that same feeling over and over again. its just the feeling of no knowing who you are or what you are. sigh. i can still remember everything quite vividly. i dont think it will go away. not any time soon at least. you know, maybe i never did quite move on.

mmmh what you say...

i dont know what i want. or maybe that aint true. i know what i want. i cant decide what i want more. i know i cant want everything, that's just selfish and naive. i suspect i've got all my priorities all messed up. both by myself and also by others. i mean, i think everyone is set expectations. really, some of them are ridiculous. i mean, i know i'm being very selfish and short-sighted, but thing is, if i really dont want to do it, if i dont enjoy it at all, then what's the point?

you know, i keep asking myself so many questions, but i can never find any answers for them. i'm waiting for people to tell me what to do, because i'm just too afraid to take a stand.

i have issues. i dont think i can get along with myself very well. its becoming something of a problem. for quite long, i just have had to tolerate, to endure. i dont know, am i to be condemned for occasionally snapping? i probably am too proud to say sorry, but i am. i just wish people knew that. and i mean, looking at the stuff i've got to take, i dont want to whine and say that it is only fair, but i think it is. oh well. i'm just being all self-centred again.

absolution is upon us.
before you know it,
you're awake once more.

it makes my heart beat a little bit quicker,
lets me forget i'm hanging on to life-support.

the sooner this is all over, the better. i cant wait for ns. i really really cant wait. i mean, 2 years of being away from home!! how wonderful is that!

sigh. it really does piss me off. and well, the sad part is that i know it is in me also. and i dont know if i can control it. its like a monster eating away from within, yet at the same time attacking from outside.

and i'm hanging on to a heartbeat, waiting to pass my time.

gosh, why are you so stubborn?? you're greatest shortcoming will be the fact that you never dare to step up. and you know it, right? something's gotta change if you want to get anywhere at all.

time to stand up for what you want...

sigh. my heart isnt in it anymore. its been that way for very long now. i mean, its just not what i want to do. i'm not running my race, i'm running theirs. there's no more motivation, no more drive. i'm just plodding on, step by step, hoping to get far away enough for them to forget.

you're number has been called.

sigh, i think its happening once more.

so, this is post 700. its been awhile hasnt it. wasnt too long ago that we were all young and naive.

i would just like to say that i am really fucked for my tsd and ki is/es, not to mention groups prelims in six freaking weeks. and a stupid piano reexam to top everything off.

-insert multiple swear words here-

mon like, totally rocked.

i find it quite amusing how when you read freshman blogs, they all seem to have an impression that they have "classrooms". like, the classroom is 'theirs', they have a particular 'seat', its all rather amusing i must say. its just, strangely naive and quite honestly funny. i suppose they havent yet been immersed in jc life to understand what it is like. i guess the thing about classes in jc is that, without a fixed classroom, you lose a sense of belonging, which in turn might result in the loss of a group identity. which then makes you have to work harder to use other means to maintain and feed that identity.

and for how long?

i'm going to pretend that i cannot hear a sound,
so that i may live without seeing you smile.
practice makes perfect in this world of imperfection.
now that it's all said and done,
i can go on making the same mistakes as before.
just to prove to myself that i was wrong,
give myself one more shot at redemption.

i somehow think i am losing it. it just doesnt feel quite right anymore. i am in a strange position. its weird, because i've never felt senior before. there's never been that kind of, i dunno, false sense of responsibility. suddenly, there's so much more to think about. suddenly, it isnt just all about me anymore. suddenly, i've got to be something more.

or maybe i'm just cheating myself, pretending that they actually care.

watch one after another, duh, its part 1 and part 2.

6 posts to 700. and it only keeps on moving on.

well, orientation has thus far been a blast. i'd like to sound a lot happier and more, you know, crazy, but its just rather unlike me. or is it?

so anyway, orientation has thus far been a blast. have been having a lot of fun, going crazy and all. havent had quite this much fun in a long time. and thank god for orientation lah, at least can start of this horrible year well. 08 is going to be a reaaaaaaally long year.

i am really damn long winded. this is bad. i need a new start, a new means of getting ahead in life. as of right now, i am so not ahead.

i realise, there are many different kinds of blogs. personal blogs that is, not like, spluch or aal or the like.

http://www.atomfilms.com/2008/kung_fu_election/index.jsp - AWESOME!!

anyway, yes back to blogs. well, i suppose some people blog for others to read. like, they know people read their blog, so they've got to sorta tell people stuff that is happening. and suppose reading those kinds of blogs, at least its interesting cos you can like find out about what people are doing, and gain an insight into their lives. i think those kinds of blogs also have better emotional presentation, in the sense that its easier to tell how the person feels. i suppose those kind of blogs are more spontaneous in a sense, because people will always blog after something happened, when everything is still fresh.

and then there are blogs that, i dunno, people blog for no one really. i think mine's sort of liddat. its more pensive, more reflective, definitely more sombre. there's alot less telling of what happened, rather there's more thinking and reflecting going on. actually i dont know if this is true, its just more what i think about my blog. i think i blog for me lah. it helps me to clear out my thoughts, sometimes i rant, sometimes i mope, sometimes i just blog cos i'm too damn bored. but i think it also acts as a kind of journal, in the sense that at least for me, i can chart how i've developed by looking at my archives. the way we blog, the things we blog about, it all changes i think.

there's no saying which one is better. i mean, they both have their own good points. i think its probably good to have a little bit of both. but then again, that may be asking too much. then again, maybe this analysis of blogs is too general. i mean, i think its overly simplistic to say that all personal blogs fall under 2 distinct categories. i mean, i am pretty sure there is alot of grey area.

but what matters most, is that we belief in what we say, and we dont hold back on how we feel.

i suspect one could argue that any act not motivated by the want to progress and advance, is hence an act wasted.

well, do meaningless emails then become inconsequential? after all, the email hardly seeks to push for advancement or progression of any sort. all it does is reaffirms what we already know. then, reminders are hence rendered meaningless. is that what we want society to become?

i feel that we need to question ourselves. maybe we are too caught up in this system of ours, so obsessed with advancement and reaching the top of the pile, that we forget not only the right way to get there, but also we forget to pull the people behind us along with us.

i think that may just be the greatest lesson from this week.

and so it begins.

listen up my fellow beings, together, we shall strive for greater heights!
no matter how often we may fall, we will always pick ourselves up again!
why? because we can! because we must!
listen to the calling from within your heart.
find the will to crawl even when your legs are wasted.
together, we will be king!

its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.

yet another rubiks cube for the collection

the beauty of it all is, sometimes, it really is that simple. i wonder if they'll ever know, if they'll ever understand. you know, everyone may say it is complicated, but no matter how many layers we put on, no matter how much we hide, deep down inside its all quite the same. i think we all want the same thing, its just that we are too afraid of wanting the same thing as other people.

of course, the reality of the situation is that fairy tales never do come true. does that stop people ni believing in them? of course not! fairy tales give people hope, and no matter how far-fetched they may be, there is that single underlying utopian quality that binds them all together. honestly, i think its so much easier to write grim stories. because if you think about it, life can really be that horrible. one could argue those stories reveal the truth about life, the horror of humanity, and the fact that we humans can and will be inherently evil. fairy tales want us to think that beyond the evil and horror, deep down inside we are, just barely, a little good. everyone loves a bad guy, but everyone loves a bad guy come good even more. and somehow, that must be what we all are chasing. a chance at redemption.

within all that rubbish, there must be some meaning in it.

the year is coming to an end. can u believe it?? the year (for a moment i typed world) is freaking coming to an end!!

omg.

i dont know if i'll have time to reflect. there's so many things to do. and yet i want to reflect. i need to, i really do.

there's so much to cover, so much to remember.

its amazing how much difference a year makes. it seemed like just yesterday when we first walked in, and now today we stand so tall. what a load of crap.

i think i've forgotten, because i'm struggling to recall.

what i need is more time. everyone needs more time. its ridiculous. time is endless and infinite, yes it refuses to give people more. thats just selfish you know. whoever created this system obviously ruled a totalitarian regime.

democracy is the future, insanity is the now.

the truth might just be fading away. does it scare me? yes, of course it does. its fucking freaking me out. the feeling of helplessness and being loss, its strange. and extremely discomforting.

no one's reading the clues of your fairytale end.

do i know what i'm doing? of course not. will i regret what i am doing? of course. do i understand the consequences of my actions? of course not. so what then, am i doing? and more importantly, why??

keep a lid on the face of time.

at some point, something really is going to have to give. no way can this silence last forever, nor should we ever let it.

pull them aside, speak to their minds.

to put it very simply, the task at hand is one of epic proportions. why? because it the highly complex mechanically enhanced manufacturing and reconstructing process. several key precautions must be followed, to ensure the quality of the eventual product will not be terminally compromised. its frighteningly simple and implicit to give instructions. its how you make people listen to them that really counts.

all this shit, just to hide the fact that i am weak.

the scary part about blogs is, one, you never know who is reading. and two, you never know who actually understands. i dont like that. i really dont. its like, ripping someone's lungs from their body, yet leaving his stomach behind. it just isnt right isit?

i've got some tips about cycling in the rain at night.

first and foremost, DONT DO IT RETARD.

however, if u are so suay as to be caught in the rain while cycling and need to get home urgently, or you're as stupid as me, here are some useful (i think) tips:

- focus. that is the most importantly thing of all. i mean, on a normal day i can get by with maybe 60-80% concentration, but cycling in the rain needs 110%. beside the fact that your vision is obscured cos of the rain, (made worse if ure a four-eyed hero like me), there is also all the puddles, the curbs and everything. there is also the fact that water getting into your eyes might mean you have to blink hard or rub your eyes. and oh yes, THE TRAFFIC. focus man, just that little break in concentration could be tragic.

- screw the puddles. i mean, you're already wet, and will stay that way. forget about the puddles.

- keep a steady pace. i find that its best to find a comfortable pace, den push it a little. so that you have good momentum, and at the same time you dont burn yourself out. and remember, the faster you reach your destination, the faster you are out of the run. but but never cycle top speed. its just too dangerous, duh.

- trust your instincts. i dunno, i trusted mine.

- stay off the sidewalk. yes, cycle on the road. why? firstly, its better lit. secondly, sidewalks are definitely more dangerous, especially if you have to keep going up and down. i mean, its just pushing the risk factor up. and road provides much better traction than sidewalks. and you dont want to risk running into people.

- open your eyes as big as possible. seriously, look out for everything. especially check behind you, and when crossing junctions, look beside you too. and strain to look ahead.

- use your brakes. break when turning, break when going downhill, and break early. accelerating into a corner, while fun and much faster, is just damn freaking dangerous. use your breaks, even if you dont like to. (like me)

siao.

you know, there is something incredibly wonderful about being out there in the rain. its liberating, feeling the rain rush down on you. it allows you to just for that moment, forget everything, any worries, problems, everything. its just you, and the wrath of mother nature, to fight the battle of eternity.

i've got a reasoning.

i suppose, the way out is not that hard. its just a matter of not letting yourself give in to the boredom. really, sleep sometimes is the best medicine. i mean, so often its so easy to start brooding, to start digging through old memories, all the past records. it is so easy. sometimes, it really too easy.

we all need distractions. i think for some people its easy, for some it isnt.

well, sometimes, this is all we have. maybe, its all that we need.

i realise, i've remained in this kind of mood for quite awhile now. its, well, not extreme, i suppose its the only way to describe it. its been a topsy turvy year, but this hols has been surprisingly alright. fuck i am damn hungry. i think i'm changing. hopefully thats a good thing. everyone needs to change sometime or another. oh well, we all have to just hope it aint too late.
Conforming on a monday
Too often and too cold
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natural disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

Like a broken damn you're empty
And all that's left are the sticks and stones
That were built by other people
And it really shows
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natuaral disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

now THAT my friend, is proper education.

technology is being a fecking bitch.

and i've got no patience.

i shall kop from char. thanks char :D (why. oh no reason. just because)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. MUSE CDS :D (real ones)
2. uh, my laptop. duh :D
3. my hp
4. my floorball stick/ball
5. guitars + amp
6. uh, ironing board >.>
7. bob (argh char i wanna go oso >.> maybe my dad will take me)

SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? who doesnt?
2. Does someone like you? hur, you say leh.
3. Last kiss? in my memory.
4. Been lead on? its hard to say. led on by others? not sure. by myself? so many times.
5. Been cheated on? nah.
6. Want a relationship? we all believe in fairytales, dont we?
7. Wanna get married? it would be nice. (along with nice fireworks and parachutes)

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. my laptop.
2. "The bands that make my world a better place" - Muse
3. guitar.
4. water. alot alot of water. and milk. and honey stars.
5. my ipod.
6. piracy.
7. pen and paper. its a beautiful thing.

SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. muse songs, doot doot doot. "you know i dont love you, i never diddddd"
2. jam jam jam!
3. pain.
4. now, the plug in baby riff. woooh.
5. gt-8
6. its hot. or rather, not cold, considering my air con is on -.-
7. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i'm agnostic.
2. Had a dream come true? if my dreams came true, this world will be a VERY VERY VERY strange place.
3. Read the newspaper? everyday. sports section, life section.
4. Get enough sleep everyday? you can never have enough sleep.
5. Have a best friend? hmmm. not exactly, no.
6. Take a bath daily? who doesnt? (ok dont tell me. bo bice lol)
7. Wish on stars? everyday, everyday.

SEVEN HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Fallen in love? i dont think so, not quite. (but maybe, you know)
2. Kissed someone of the same sex? nope.
3. Hooked up with someone who had a gf/bf? of course not.
4. Been to a Bonfire? bonfire specifically? i've done campfires.
5. Ran away from home? sadly not. not that i havent thought about it. and i was on my way out once, only i got stopped. bleargh.
6. Played strip poker? yep.
7. Pulled an all nighter? often.

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? nah.
2. Had fun? not terribly.
3. Been kissed? by a ghost maybe.
4. Felt stupid? nothing new is it.
5. Talked to an ex? nope.
6. Missed someone? all the time.
7. Listened to music? in the past 24 hours, i have listened to approximately 6-7 hours of muse. hip hip hooray.

LMAO. ah lians are sooooo funny. god.

ok the stupid side of me has had enough laughs. now time to think. doh >.>

i think it says quite alot that only a society like singapore's can breed this wonderful race called ah lians (and well, ah bengs). the japs are different, because well, japanese IS a cute language, they HAVE cute clothes, and they talk normally. (albeit in jap). hokkien/chinese/"english"/whatever other random dialect is NOT cute. the clothes they wear are NOT cute. and they CANT talk normally! i mean, uraqt = you are cute. what the fuck. shu wen jus brought up a very good point, how do they rmb all these um, "accronyms" and spellings? its amazing!! i suppose while we normal people are slugging away at econs or math or what not, they are memorising their lian dictionary and practising vocab, eh? ok this is getting a bit flamy.

well my point was, and is, that only a society like singapore's can cultivate such a culture. we've all heard time and time again about out cultural diversity, and how we embrace people from around the world. in this case, that is a problem. its all this mishmash of rubbish that brings about the wonders of the lian. and people in singapore, i suppose another problem is that there isnt an identity, you know. like, english are english, they've got their football and their tea. japanese are japanese, they've got their gadgets and kawaii. singaporeans, are? we've got what? i suppose because of that these people feel the need to proclaim who they are. and so, all the pink, all the piercings, wahoo a lian. and ironically, they also want to be different you know, they are special and unique worhx. so they start inventing words. you -> u -> uu -> uu/~ -> eu!~ -> yew -> yeeuuuww. wad the heck. i swear ahlianism should be classified as a social phenomenon.

its just amazing. i am amazed by them, really.

hell, maybe i'll do my ki i/s on ah lians. now THAT'll be fun.

wOrHxXxss!!*~*~

gothic music can be surprisingly soothing

i swear, it felt like something. i dont want to admit it, but i think i will. its affecting me bad, i think. and any way i look at it, no matter how i try to twist all of it, it always comes back to the same thing.

quite how much, its always a problem you know. its hard to quantify such things, and in some ways, i dont think i should. well, doesnt mean i dont. i keep trying to quantify things, everything. everything must mean something, and when they do, i want them to mean nothing. but they do.

sigh.

what can i say that hasnt already been said?

its so messy, so complicated, when all i really want to say is so simple.

hello, again.

4:47 - instant nirvana

its easy to drown out all your fears and misery.

gosh, what am i doing??
its 3 wks to 2008, and i've done nothing.
this is just pathetic.

i honestly believe that the only jobs teenagers should be allowed to do are service jobs. ie sales, customer service, waiter etc.

why? because i think its the only kind of job that will benefit people our age. i mean, we all want to work, most of us for the money, but lets look at it logically. working for money should only be a serious consideration when we are looking at being self-sustainable. while that might be true for some people our age, the vast majority of teenagers can afford not to have a job. so, i think the real value in jobs is the learning experience. as corny and cliche as it sounds, i really think its true.

and why service? because we can learn to appreciate things we normally take for granted. its so easy to walk into a restaurant and expect the waiter to serve food, drinks etc. better still functions, where waiters have to clear plates, top up drinks, ask you what you want, serve food etc. i dont think many people will realise how much work is involved. after working just 2 days, i can honestly say i appreciate the work they do. its the same with sales, you learn how to deal with people. you learn communication skills.

i think most importantly, we are able to have a diff perspective. and i mean just for once, we get to understand what its like to be behind the counter, instead of being in front of it all the time. i mean, forget about the money. its important, but not that important. i believe the learning, and the experience, is more important. as such, i dont think students should be allowed like, desk jobs or what. there's nothing to learn. mundane work will only dull the mind and the body. everyone should go out there and experience the whole, and understand the life outside our teenage life, outside the itunes and the youtubes and the facebooks and the movies and the shopppings and all.

really, i think that's important.

this fucking headache is killing me.

sigh (:

its fucking stupid. i mean, lets face it, what's the point? no one's going to be much happier after it, waste money, waste everyone's time, just makes everyone more pissed off with each other. its fucking stupid. i mean, i'm sure we've all got better things to do than pretend we enjoy each other's company while walking through some ancient temple pretending to be totally in awe when all we really want to do is to be back at home.

FACE IT, ITS FUCKING STUPID.

fuck lah, wake up only so much frustration.

beginner's luck seems to make sense. after watching the show my brilliant brain, i had an idea. or a muse, of sorts. while many pass off the notion of beginner's luck as being just that, luck, i actually think there's a quite reasonable explanation as to how its more than just luck.

if we take the example in the show about chess masters (and grandmasters), their mastery of the game stems from their ability to recognise moves before they happen, and hence act accordingly. a chess pro is able to predict his or her opponents moves, and according to the show, this is done by matching what they see on the board with their bank of chess memories, and hence determine (instinctively) what to do.

now, how does this relate to beginner's luck? if we look at games, lets say strategic games like chess or checkers or what not, the pro is separated from the rest by his ability to predict his opponents moves. for arguments sake lets assume everyone is male. i mean, it appears that the very best dont actually have to think about their moves, it becomes instinctive after awhile. so, when beginner's somehow upset better players, is it just luck? i dont think so. i think what happens is that beginners, due to their inferior abilities, introduce the factor of uncertainty, and in certain cases, possibly randomness. and what this does is that it probably disrupts the better players ability to predict his opponents next move. when good players play great players, great players will triumph because good players will sorta know what to do, and the great players know they know what to do. but i suppose beginners just mess things up. so, is it really luck then?

what about games like sports? dont better players just have better ability, which discounts the notion of predictability? again, i think the same concept probably applies, although maybe differently. tennis is an example that comes to mind. when good players play, they kinda know what to expect from their opponents. topspin, slices, kick services, its all in the book. and the pros will know how to deal with it. but what happens when u put a total novice to play a pro? many people (me included possibly) will say that the pro will surely have the ability to deal with wadeva the other guy throws at him. but again i think the unpredictability of the situation matters. maybe not individual points, but perhaps disrupting the rhythm of the game as a whole.
the problem here is that, it seems like anyone can have this beginner's luck, right? i mean, all we need to do is to do things a little randomly. but i dont think this is the case. i mean, there is randomness, and there is planned randomness. (well of course there is always the argument that nothing is actually truly random, because it would have to stretch on to infinity, but lets not go there) my point is, i dont think its actually possible for a good player to effectively exhibit novice behaviour. certain habits and preferences and traits will show through.

i realise that the notion of beginner's luck appear to apply solely to individual games/contests. in teams, i suppose there are too many variables to consider, for the effect of unpredictability to be felt.

so yes, there is no such thing as beginner's luck. not really.

( i realise, all the above is prob bullshit concocted to try justify faring worst than people seemingly weaker or lousier than i am. ah well, i'm pissed hurting)

the thing about christmases, its a great time to think. i mean, its the end of the year, soon to be the start of a new one. i never reaaaaly enjoyed christmas. i mean, yes of course i like christmas, i mean got present who dont like, but i've hardly ever enjoyed it. ok so maybe as a kid i did, but i'm losing that kid part in a way. sometimes, its just so contrived you know.

sigh aiya i think if i stop thinking about these kinds of rubbish i'll be a happier person. i really want to be happier. its nice, being happy.

really, it prob is.

pain is good.

pain is a reminder that you can still feel.

i want to pick up meditation.

i really think its quite sad that happy cheesy shalala shows makes me feel rather sad and depressive, whereas depressing and sad shows somewhat makes me feel hopeful.

i somehow dont think that's quite right, is it?

and in this ever-changing madness,
we still want to believe.

oh man oh man.
i think once again its coming to a point i cant deal.
i dont want to be unhappy,
i dont want to be frustrated and angry,
and there really is no excuse for it is there?
no one will believe me anyway,
so i'm sorry if i pretended to be that way.

who's going to write your fairytale ending?
the one where the bride falls and harry is the king...

i know its selfish, but delving in others' problems let me forget my own.

i think we've all got to let go a little bit.
being ourselves can sometimes be too hard, too much.

and somehow, we're all just looking for that romantic inside.
i dont think i can stand people who get attached for the sake of it.
i mean honestly, whats the point?
relationships shouldnt just be about bragging rights isit?
or maybe we're just too young to understand.
at 14, at 17, what do we know?
just how much have we experienced,
to be able to say we understand?
is love overrated though?
i dont know. in some ways i think it is.
i think its too absurd to be falling in love all the time.
call me cynical, yes, but i just dont think you can fall in love that often.
honestly, is it that easy to find love?
maybe i'm being too judgemental,
i cant accept the fact that people are different,
people dont share my views.
maybe some people just can fall in love.
maybe, just maybe, i'm jealous.
yet i think deep down in every single person theres that little idealism.
maybe its just a dream, some kind of unachievable utopia,
some people call it hope.
i dont know, i think i've seen what love is.
seeing old couples walking in the park,
i think thats love.
i might be wrong, but at least thats what i think.
i dont know if i'm right in saying this,
but i think at some point or another,
everyone dreams of that knight in shining armor fairytale.
girls want to be rescued, guys want to be the hero.
maybe i'm generalising too much, quite possibly i'm wrong.
but really, isnt it nice?
fairytale endings give you that feeling that there is hope in this world after all.

and sometimes, thats all that matters.

we can never be satisfied.
its the holidays, but we still want so much more.
sometimes, i think holidays are worse than sch days.
sch days theres actually stuff to do everyday,
in a sense you know what's coming tomorrow.
you know that you have to get up and go to school.
holidays really suck in the sense that you know theres work to do,
multiples i/ses and shit, but you also know there's time.
no so there actually isnt,
but holidays give you the false impression that theres time.
and so you put it off.
there always is a later.
and there never is a never.

we all want a little escape.
just to be able to run off to that little hole of yours,
and not to have to worry about anything else in the world.
to be with your friends, to be with yourself.
and to just drop everything.
screw work, screw school, screw parents, screw everything.

the truth is that i aint satisfied.
in everything i do, i cannot find that satisfaction, that happiness.
theres always that little shred of doubt that lingers.
so maybe i'm better off not thinking about all of it.
to just hang loose and stop worrying.
there'll always be time to worry.
i suppose in a way i cant keep looking back,
neither can i keep thinking about the future.
i spend too little time in the present.
of course there always is the argument that the present does not exist,
but sadly, for many people, it does.
and i've got to deal with the fact that even if i dont think it does,
people do, and in a sense we've all got to live by other people's presents.

come on one and all, run away with me!

never say goodbye,
because we'll always have this to come away to.
only if we try, only if we try.

omg pain > me

at the very least, this is painful.
why? cos obviously it hurts, whether you believe it
or not.

wa lau i cant believe i cable ski-ed 4 fraeking hrs today.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/bags/9aa0/

OMG I WANT I WANT I WANT SOMEONE BUY FOR ME FOR XMAS I WANT I WANT

O_O wow

omg i had a really bad dream last night (or well, this morning actually. i only went to sleep at 730) in it, my elec guitar got totally busted, and i remember myself screaming. oh god. thank god it wasnt real.

spinning away

i ask and ask again,
but still the same the road leads me back to nothing.
i've come so far only to have to see,
there really was nothing to succeed.

sometimes, i just think i'm chasing the impossible.
holding out for hope, even when there seems to be none.
some people may argue hope is always there,
whether we see it or not.
i just dont see the point anymore.
the truth is, its too hard.
too meaningless, to pointless, to tiring.
i dont want to have to do it anymore.
i mean, it really sucks being held like a prisoner in your very own home.
by others, and by yourself.
i dont want to be here,
and neither does he want me here.
just as it is, it leaves me no where to go.
i could roam, but where will i end up?
could i go anywhere better?
can i find a place that will accept me for who i am?
i think, i can be whoever you want me to be.
cos i dont even know who i am,
i dont think i can be me.
its easier to be someone else,
someone whom i dont have to take responsibility,
someone unlike me, yet in a way, still me.
i've gone and changed, but have you?
i cant help it, i've taken all my drugs and all the pills,
still the same memories and thoughts swirl in my throat,
choking the life out of me.
and i'm spinning, spinning, spinning.
spinning, away.

am i still hoping?

argh, let the frustration set in.

first, the a string on the electric snapped.

then, the high e string on the acoustic snapped.

cheebong.

now i dont have ANY guitars to play with.

wad the hell.

if we could just take it back to before,
relive those moments, rewrite those notes again.
i promise i wont be quite as daft,
i'll do what i meant to, act as i must.
i think just for that while,
i remember being happy.
right back into those moments,
those memomiseries.
it's all so obvious to me now,
so why couldnt i have been a little less blind?
maybe if i did understand, comprehend,
i could find a way out of this shallow hole.

i'm sorry, but i really cant deal.
may a shed a tear for you?
or would you spare me the trouble and come to my rescue?

!!!! how could they leave that out of the dvd?!?!?!??

omg if only i could do that some day

in other news, i bought a fishing rod.

somtimes, it is too easy to imagine bridges where there are none.

what if everyone spoke what they really thought?

i mean, honestly, every conversation's so...complicated. i mean i think its true, its not what we say, its what we are saying. and even if we dont say much, we are saying alot. problem is, we dont dare to actually ask about what we are saying, only what we say.

life is complicated. no, life is simple. no, life is.

for one moment
i wish you'd hold your stage
with no feelings at all
open minded
i'm sure i used to be so free

wow

all i can say is, WOW.

i am willing to say, i know what it feels like to feel useless and worthless.
to feel like you dont mean a thing at all.
i mean, what can i fall back upon?
what's going to cushion my many falls?
friends? i'm not a social person.
family? up yours.
relationship? yea, in 400 years maybe.
money? i wish.
status? yea: shit.
myself? no way in hell.

it sucks, having all that you want, all that you can only dream for, to have it crushed, over and over again. its a horrible feeling that's hard to describe. i've cried because of it. i never really realised how important dreams and hopes are. i mean, its one of the few motivating forces keeping me going. but am i doing all this in vain? am i chasing a long lost cause? am i running a race i will never finish? one i was never meant to finish?

it hurts to have to think so.
it really hurts.

i really need someone to understand.

code

this is a cryptic message:

i have a confession to make. i cant make decisions. i really cant. all those options, they just float over, and float away. in a way i think i need people to make decisions for me. why? maybe its cos i'm too scared to face the consequences. maybe i'm afraid of responsibility. probably its cos i just dont want to be definite about. i mean, just look - the past 3 sentences have failed to produce a concrete proper explanation. its all maybes and possiblys and ifs etc. this needs a solution. dont you see? deep down, everything needs to mean something. i make things mean something, even if they dont. in a way its a sense of security, knowing that you understand. or maybe pretending that you understand even if you dont. its like how people pretend to be good at something even if they arnt. truth is, people do get away with it, so why cant i? there are things we all need to say, and there are things we all need to hide. recently i have taken to typing in proper sentences, even though i suspect i still dont. why? i dont know. its not like i'm practising for anything or what. i hate being chased, but i must be. why am i so full or paradoxes and shit? its frustrating. i can never figure out who i am. i think i am having identity issues. identity crisis? maybe not. issues? i think i have issues man. and i suspect it might become worse. and you cant just throw all that away can you? in some sense theres still that little bit of hope that lingers on. maybe i am just being stupid and idiotic. i suppose i am, but i cant help it. they never can. its hard to explain it, not cos its actually hard, but cos i dont want to. i dont like explanations that i can find. it just takes all the fun out of life you know. that's a serious problem. thoughts get in my way way too much. it sucks thinking and thinking and thinking, at the end of the and the problem isnt solved. i think i shall start a think-less-do-more campaign. we dont need bright minds in this world, we need effective ones. people are naturally stupid, they only pretend to be smart. only 4.6% of the human population have naturally effective minds, 18.62% have smart minds. the remaining 77.78% are stupid, naturally. dont blame them, blame me. you see, we need to train people to develop effective minds, not smart ones. smart minds are useless. just look and yourself already. i just wish somehow it was easier. but it never is. i cant be. if it was any easier, it wouldnt trouble me like it does. at the same time, any easier and it wont be attractive anymore. everything that means anything would just fall apart. why the hell do i have to be in school at 9 tomorrow? i dont want to go to school, even though i do. i dont get you. i really dont. its frustrating, yet at the same time its fascinating. you keep me guessing all the time, and i must admit, as much as i hate it, i love it also. bob is annoying. why? he just is. he was born this way. born to take away all that i have. really, its the simplest things that are so hard. it seems like a lifetime ago that i heard you giggle. dont you remember? i bet you dont. no one does anyway. how does one cope with so much rubbish? i mean, all this crap i'm saying, no one bothers, no one cares. i pretend as if people will bother, even though i know they wont. stupid? you bet. why must i be in that 77.78%???

ok so maybe it isnt.

memories

i dont think it has sunk in yet.
i wonder how long more before it does.

the significant thing

i think i know now. i think i know why i'm so bored all the time.
yes, there are tons of stuff to do.
msn, youtube, google, etc etc.
but now i know.
i want to do things that are meaningful.
like, i want to do stuff that matter.
that will impact other things.
i dont just want to do stuff i'll forget the next morning.

honestly, i think i'm weird.

reflections

i still think i have lost touch.
am losing touch, have lost touch.
i suppose, there'll always be times we feel alone.
yet at times, we do feel loved.
i dont know, maybe i should just speak for myself.
personally, i find that i am quite a pessimistic person.
(like, haha wow revelation)
but yea i suppose there are times when,
i do feel like things are ok.
that things could actually be good.
its rare, but it does happen.
in a sense, i'm always waiting for it to happen.

its quite amazing, just like that 17 years have passed.
one grand year of jc life has whizzed by just like that.
its been different, very very different.
alot of the time was spent dealing, i think.
to just adapt to new situations, new people.
to realise that what once worked no longer does.
i couldnt treat people the same way i did in ip.
the people now, the people then,
they are so different, its beyond worlds apart.
and like i was telling ethel,
i really cant compare. it wouldnt be fair to either side.
honestly, both has its pros and cons.
but i must say its been a really happening year.
very different than ip, i must say.
for starters, i have a cca.
second, i didnt fail anything. (yes i'm serious, as hard to believe as that may sound)
third, i actually dont have that much time to burn.
last year was so bad, everyday i got home at 4,
and burnt my life away.
how loser-ish.
its just been so so different.

yet, while my life has changed,
i must (and always) ask myself:
have i?
its a difficult question.
i mean, some parts of me have changed, definitely.
but still, some of those not-so-pleasant traits still linger.
i mean yes i could argue that that makes me who i am,
but the obvious question is this:
do i want to be who i am?
actually, do i have the ability to change who i am?
the egoistic, proud side of me says yes.
yes, i am capable, yes it can be done.
but the more pessimistic self is somewhat resigned to the fate,
the fact that you cant change who you are.
where do i stand? i dont think anymore will ever know.
not till i myself figure myself out.

i think in many ways,
i'm learning how to fall on my own now.
its strange, to suddenly be pushed off a cliff,
and yet the safety net that was always there,
suddenly it isnt there anymore.
everything i thought was safe,
everything i believed i could count on,
suddenly its just falls away like leaves out of a window.
suddenly, i dont know anymore.
my world of monochrome suddenly turned a heavy shade of grey.

but, i think i'm moving on.
or at the very least, i'm learning to.

sorry my friend, it must end

the caravan rolls past, night by night,
even with the thunderstorms hiding his sights.
feeling a little gravity talking to him,
cold showers seep through his veins.
drip out onto the side walk, all his pain,
so much he forgets the endless aim.
call out in vain, just like yesterday,
on and on, he will light his path...
for the caravan must move on.

i dont do full sentences.
i dont do full paragraphs.
its just, unsightly.
who really bothers to read across?
more often than not, people just read downwards.
of course, thats assuming they read at all.
its always the case isnt it?
its so easy to say, oh this is what i want.
its easy to even say this is what i need.
but, life isnt that easy. it cant be.
i figure, to be able to want what you need,
it necessarily implies that you have choices.
to want what you want,
it means you have chosen, yet you may not have that choice.
its hard isnt it?
i mean, we can say sorry a million times,
but sorry dont make dead people come back to life.
sorry isnt going to change the past.
sorry isnt going to make the future any easier to bear.
sorry, sorry is but a filler.
sorry is when we have nothing else.
when we dont know what to say.
so, i'm sorry.
i always am.

random

shucks, you moved.

no one deserves to hurt this way

quit complaining my friend, cos you'll survive in the end.

it is weird. i mean, we're all only 17, yet we somehow make ourselves believe that we actually understand. but we dont. we make so many mistakes, but pretend they are little lessons in life. we dont recognise failure, only means to an end.

i think slowly, i'm forgetting how it's like. its not fair, but it never is. things just...happened. we can wish all the time that things were different, but life must move on. we must.

listen to the clicking invisible locks,
the taps on the keyboard through the night.
he stares at the same screen till his eyes turn grey,
the ghosts of msn conversations want to play.
he knows he's chance has gone away,
still he waits, everyday,
hoping maybe someday it'll be the same.
making excuses just to talk to you,
yes its pathetic, but its the best he can do.

you dont know it shakes me deep inside

i have a problem. i have a problem looking into people's eyes. i dont know why (but of course, i actually do. i jus say i dont, cos thats wad i always do). its like, i cant look into people's eyes when i'm talking to them, and i suppose many people will take it that i'm eitehr rude, or uninterested or wad. the truth is, i jus find it really discomforting. yes there will always be the old cliche about the eyes being windows to the soul.

while that might be a stretch, i think the essence of that cliche is this: our eyes are where we are most vulnerable. we can manipulate how we act, we can manipulate how we talk, we can manipulate how we look, but i dont think we can actually manipulate our eyes. eyes give away alot. its easy to tell whether someone is lying. it actually really is. you can read it in their eyes, even if their faces tell no lies.

i think i am scared. i always get the feeling that, when i'm looking into someone's eyes while talking, its almost like they can read in to me. its almost as if they can see past just the words and the appearances. while in some ways i do wish that were the case, its scary. it really is. i mean, if i were a secure person, if i knew who i am, maybe i wouldnt be this bothered. but i'm still drifting around, here and there, not quite sure where.

and there are some looks, they have a way of making me feel really naked and vulnerable. and as a result, i will look away. it happens all the time, i know it. i mean, its easy to stare into senseless, unfeeling eyes, for there is nothing there to feel. but when there's all that emotion, all that tension, it becomes so different. suddenly, i cannot do it anymore. i dont like how it makes me feel. and in some ways, i dont think i can take it. theres so much there to be felt, to be perceived, to be understood, and some people just cannot deal.

some people are weak. like me.

please?

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MUSE-EP-Very-first-CD-release-555-999-RARE-MINT_W0QQitemZ320174676762QQihZ011QQcategoryZ1049QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

make bob a happy boy :)

i love my father :))))))))))))))))))))))))) <3 <3 <3

i'm sorry ok.
sorry for being so stupid.
sorry for being this useless.
sorry for not having an ounce of initiative.
sorry for being self-centred.
sorry for being selfish.
sorry for being hopeless.
sorry for not believing in all your stupid ideas.
sorry for being a non-conformist.
sorry for believing in what i do.
sorry for being lazy.
sorry for being dirty.
sorry for being eq retarded.
sorry for being a social outcast.
sorry for not knowing basic etiquette.
sorry for having no sense of what is right.
sorry for not doing the basics.
sorry for being totally worthless.
sorry for not even making the grade.
sorry for constantly failing.
sorry for being such a fucking failure, even tho i didnt fail.
sorry for being this pathetic.
sorry for not being a grown up.
sorry for being a teenager.
sorry for following trends.
sorry for being hip.
sorry for knowing how to use computers and technology in general.
sorry for wanting to be cool.
sorry for being so demanding.
sorry for not caring about what you want.
sorry for being such an insensitive bastard.
sorry for being a recluse.
sorry for not wanting to talk to you.
sorry for hating you.
sorry for all that i have done wrong to you.
sorry for making so much noise with my guitar.
sorry for actually liking and wanting to play music.
sorry for failing my grace 8.
sorry for hating my piano.
sorry for not doing what you believe should be done.
sorry for being such an idiot.
sorry for my existence in your life.
sorry for being such a pest to your blissful existence.
sorry for enjoying what i am doing.
sorry for wanting to get away from home.
sorry for wanting to stay over at other people's home.
sorry for being so damn selfish.

yes, i apologise for everything that i have done wrong to you. yes, i am always in the wrong. yes you are always correct. yes i bow down to you great sir. yes i worship your majesty. yes you are right. yes i am useless. yes yes yes.

go fuck yourself wont you.

false hopes and missing presentations

i thought i understood, but i realise i dont.
i cant even see beyond the curtains,
the sun doesnt chase me anymore.

maybe is not enough. we all know that.
and yet, maybes are all that we have.

ruled

pretend like the past was never there,
lift your head and make a stand.
hold on to the candles that light the way,
make all the clouds float away.

i've reached a point, where it just doesnt matter anymore. and i guess, all those things are all lost to be. i'm practising selective ignorance, and its easy. its so easy to block out all those things. i guess the reason its so easy is because its all external. you can just close your ears, let your mind drift of to another spatial dimension. but, there are still those ghosts that keep ringing in my head. yes its easy to block out the external, but the internal rages all the same. and i cant shut it out. my mind inevitably drifts back to those memories, those dreams, those little shattered hopes. and it is a vicious cycle. pain breeds pain. i guess the truth of the matter is that i cannot deal. i never could, and i still cant. its all the same at the end of the day. i mean, everyone's grown up, but still, everything will be the same. we're all existing in a static past, trapped in an artificial void of time. you cant really blame them. its the only way to kind of preserve what was there, yet at the same time not hold it back. the only real way to to create these little artificial blackholes, and to suck us stars back every once in awhile, just to prove that they can. and even the biggest planets must fall, even the farthest stars will divide.

and of course, we deny all that we have done.

that was yesterday, this was tomorrow

and so it begins, all over again, almost like yesterday couldnt be very much the same.

there is a difference. i mean, i dont know if anyone will notice, but i definitely do. and its because of this difference that makes it so hard. its bad enough hacing to start from nowhere. but having to restart from somewhere is even worse.

why is it that a simple man like me cannot even do the simplest of things?

its weird having all these thoughts. sometimes, i wonder if its all just wrong.

using masking tape to patch up these holes, it wont hold. sooner or later, somethings gotta give. lets hope it wont fall too much either way.

this whole escapism thing, its coming back to me. in all honesty, i realise its probably a whole lot easier than people make it out to be.

at some point or another, everyones going to have to entertain these thoughts. i think its just human. i wonder where all our lost thoughts and memories go. is there some kind of thought/memory catching machine that stores all the thoughts and memories that we dont retain? it would be thoroughly fascinating to be able to access such a machine. i'd imagine it would have some form of ranking system. i mean, some thoughts MUST better than others, right?

first time is no time to cry

hm let me try with my ipod instead.

1. Every move you make, and every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
(stalker song!)

2. I am a one way motorway
I'm a road that drives away
and follows you back home
I am a streetlight shining
I’m a white light blinding bright
Burning off and on

3. Tear it out of these open pages
Women and kids of all ages
Millions of men with blank faces
Italicized lies, headlines, bold type
(i suspect only rachel will know this)

4. You were not to blame for
Bittersweet distractors
Dare not speak his name
Did I cater to all you
All your needs?

5. And it's hard to say
Just how some things never change
And it's hard to find
Any strength to draw the line
(lol!)

6. You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
(gosh such terrible lyrics)

7. I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
(freak)

8. I'm not in your house
But I'm not in your head
And you're not even listening
It's so hard to know
When you're not scared

9. (jap song. skip. its a ffx song)
Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg omg everyone must listen to this song!!!)

10. Remember Rio and get down
Like some other DJ, in some other town
Who's been trying to tell me to hold tight
But I've been waiting this whole night
But I've been down across a road or two
But now I've found the velvet sun
That shines on me and you

11. Watching the people get lairy
Is not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
And not very sensible either
(woo!)

12. Ice-age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand

13. Take me back where I belong.
You swear that it's safe here.
There is nothing to fear at all.
Take me back where I belong.
The pressure releases,
If I just let down my guard.

14. A monster lives in your backyard.
the 2x4's are making their way around.
the big get bigger when the fight’s done.
i found that secret door.
(lol. one of their weirder songs i suppose)

15. I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
(doh. haha its no 15! lol ok not funny -.-)

16. she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
(classic man, classic)

17. You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
so I wouldn't come home low
Just when the things weren't right
doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song
And you'll never feel
Left all alone
(i dont like this song very much.)

18. Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
( :) )

19. No cars facing our way
No cars, no cars
We'll all melt away,
Like ice in your hand, your hand
(i'll be very surprised if anyone knows this song)

20. Prom is coming up,
It's on the 17th of May
And i got a message
That I want to convey

I'll buy a nice suit
And you can wear a pretty dress
You will watch me dance
And realize i am the best
(such a queer queer song. is it even considered techno?)

21. No matter how hard I try
You're never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I'm better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you're here
This is not my home
I think I'm better off alone

22. And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need...
(ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh omg i love this song)

23. 'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to
Sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
(ahhhhhhh)

24. So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head.
(i dont like this song, i dont like this band, Q mag loves them. wth -.-)

25. But this time
I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls
On desert sky
Until the end of everything
(ok granted, one of their better, albeit older songs)

wow. theres really alot of diff btw my ipod and my itunes. sigh. i should be doing pw. yes desmond, go do pw. shuttup bob. go scerw yourself des. -smacks bob-

everyone do the bob!

shall steal something from rachels blog. i am bored.

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

ok first to decide, itunes or ipod? ok itunes.

1. I've dared to dream and i've tried to live
But I've played it safe again
Just another slave to my vices now...
(its a terrible song with terrible lyrics and terrible melody)

2. I just wanna see the weather,
But you, you've got my shoes,
It feels so wrong, it feels so right,
To come home to you late at night,
But baby, where are you now?
(doh)

3. Unos dos tres catorce!
(eeeeeeek1) i hate this song. hate hate hate.

4. So fly away and leave it behind
Just stay awake, there's no where to hide
I see you cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you cause you won't quit screamin my name
I feel you cause you won't stop touchin my skin
I need you-- I'm coming to take you away
(lyrically it looks terrible)

5. Ain't it amazing when the seasons begin to change
Someone behind the scenes just seems to pull some strings
I struggled with an old angel all nite long
I thought it might be nice if we just talked 'til down

6. I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie.

7. I needed somewhere to hang my head, without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use
I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again, but I break loose
My head is giving me life or death, but I can't choose
I'll swear I'll never give in, I'll refuse
(yay finally a decent song)

8. (i shall skip to the next one, i cant even find these lyrics online. its tv screens by phonograph)
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream...In a boys dream
(lol)

9. Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay.
were laid spread out before me as her body once did
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

10. Well I'm back in the class, falling out of your past
All the letters I wrote and you thought as a joke
And the phone never rings when your cold and it stings
All the holidays sucked *by myself* cause I'm fucked
And I'm dying, dying, dying
(eeyer. wad kind of lyrics are those -.-) haha ethel why in the world do u haf this song? its terrible.

11. Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off
I'm so dirty, babe
The kind of dirty
Where the water never cleans off the clothes
I keep a book of the names and those
Only go so far to bury them
So deep and down we go
(-.-)

12. Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head
'Cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight
(omg rofl)

13. And porn speaks to its splintered legions
To the pink amid the withered cornstalks in them winter regions
While aiming at the archetypal father
He says with such broad and tentative swipes "Why do you even bother?"
(this is just weird)

14. Ridin' down the highway
Goin' to a show
Stop in all the byways
Playin' rock 'n' roll
Gettin' robbed
Gettin' stoned
Gettin' beat up
Broken boned
Gettin' had
Gettin' took
I tell you folks
It's harder than it looks
(scream!!)

15. Dont love me for fun girl,
let me be the one girl
(ohmygod wtf wtf wtf)
i jus thought of something. its circular isnt it? love me for a reason let that reason be love. wth -.-

16. Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
(:D)

17. Give me a shot to remember
And you can take all the pain away from me
(terrible, indeed terrible)

18. Oh, I've got something in my throat
I need to be alone
While I suffer

19. Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please
(sigh)

20. Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
(possibly the most covered song ever? maybe most murdered too)

21. tick tock of the clock
make a wish but the time wont stop
i saw the glow of city lights
never thought id say that they shined too bright

22. (ugh another ___ song. i shall skip. its an interlude anyway)
betrayed
my plan ends a war with me
it's never up to me
I know they'll all pray
(uh,)

23. Hey Amanda
Where'd you find these crazy boys this time?
They say you're pretty but you don't think they're right.
(HAHA)rachel's possibly the only other person i know who erally listens to copeland. hm.

24. Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
(who doesnt know this song? ah connie.....)

25. The legend brings forth a time to come
No reason to slay the newborn son

The sky is falling
No escape Armageddon
The sky is burning
The end is just the beginning
(i would be very surprised if anyone knew this. if you do you prob need therapy)

aha so it is done. bob is off to eat again (that fat pig) and i shall go guitar.

not near, not here

its not quite all right. not yet. and maybe it will never be, but there's hardly anything we can do about it anyway...

promises we made

i dont get it. i never do.

its very very demoralising.
and at the same time, i know,
i'm just sinking, deeper and deeper,
and at the moment, there just doesnt seem to be any way out.

hope

fuck it lah, its not use anyway. i mean, nothings going to change. all i can do is to learn to live with it. all the hurt, all the regret, all the misery, and the missed chances, everything. i just aint cut out to make it. ever.

yes i feel terrible.
yes i want to feel special.
yes i need to be there.
yes i hope i can mean something.
just, once.
but never shall that opportunity present itself again.

i can see your lips moving, but i dont hear a sound.

its lonely out here.
i'm standing on a cliff, in the middle of some strange outback.
i feel so alone, yet so free.
i have with me my towel,
and all the time in the world.
to think, to understand, to feel.
to realise, that i've been lost for so long.

its lonely in here,
this room but with the bare bed and empty chairs.
water drips outside the window,
the sky gleams like a distant shadow.
and still i choose nothing,
but to sleep here every single night.

just to be alone,
just to runaway,
just to do all those things i cannot say.

WHITE CONES!!!!!!

I WANT WHITE CONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not in the mood

today was pretty bad.

its really quite strange how quickly the promos are passing. i mean, compared to ip, its just so much less, its quite amazing really. i mean, in ip i had to effectively study 6 subjects, now i more or less need to study 2.5. thats a hell lot of difference. and i dont know why, but i'm not stressed at all. its a bad attitude to adopt, this whole dont give a damn attitude. sometimes i think i really need to give a damn. (it is perhaps quite ironic that the things i do give a damn about, aiya)

it seems to me, that my life will always be about all the ifs and maybes.
theres too many choices, too few decisions.
always.

lifeline

it sucks having to be someone you dont want to be. desperately.

how lovely the greatest masketeer

i remember reading an article somewhere, about not having to understand the technicalities of sports to appreciate the beauty of it. and i've just come to realise how true that is. for the past hours or so, i've been watching figure skating. haha. pair skating, to be specific. i dont understand a single thing about the sport, but just watching it, what makes it so wonderful is that just watching it makes you feel different. the intensity, the passion, it screams out at you. and you cant help but throw yourself in. and for me, that really is what appreciating beauty is. and it doesnt apply only to sports. dance, music, everything really. the wonder of it all is how it makes you feel. does it make your heart beat a little faster? does it make your hands tremble just that little bit more? theres something about beauty, you dont have to understand, and often, you cant. all you can do, is to appreciate it, and let it wash over you.

and oh btw, pair figure skating is omg so romantic lol.

somewhere i belong

its just not right. and yet, i dont know why time and time again i cheat myself, pretend like it might be right just this one time.

i suspect, man are inherently lonely. some people, the lucky ones, they find those special people called friends. others, they surround themselves with people, as a way of ignoring their loneliness. some people, the flit around, trying so hard to find a place where they could fit in, but at the end of the day, the probably never do. but that doesnt stop them trying, for thats all they can do - try. and some others, they just accept it, and live with it. all the lonely ones...

the straight and honest answer is this:
all i really want, is to really mean something to someone.

oh no.....

OMG I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SPENT 3 HRS ON THE NIGHT BEFORE MY PROMOS REARRANGING MY GODDAMN FECKIN ROOM WTF. WTF. THIS IS SO DAMN FECKIN RETARDED. FECKIN HELL WAT AM I DOING???

OH AND BY THE WAY, I AM FECKIN UNPREPARED!!! :D X 10000000000

of the hopeless kin

live the dream is really good, in that it really shows how impossible singapore's music scene is. i mean, first having a rock themed show is a bad idea, secondly all the bands just plain suck at playing rock. i like cats in the cradle, but i like them for their acoustic work and nothing else. i mean wth, its not over, summer of 69, its not rock. its more pop rock. which is then very sad, because it really shows how impossible it is to become a rock musician in spore. honestly, nothing but pop can survive here, singaporeans cant appreciate rock music lah. thats what all the globalisation and cultural diversification has done to us, we have become general.

G: general.

for now

OMG ITS OVER.

it was horrible. terrible. absolutely drastic. i am pretty certain i'll fail. but i dont care.

COS ITS OVER.

escape your alien

thanks shu :D

camcorder baby

i realise i've been in vj so long, yet so little do i know about the school. oh well.

the hallowed dvd

peace

i am in a very strange mood right now. i think being angry makes me go abit wacky. my piano exam is in 35 hours ftw.

today i had a nice long talk with phoedebe. i realise i really miss being able to talk to people, people who wont judge, people who accept you for who you are.

its sad. it really is, how pathetic our society is becoming. are we all becoming stupid judgemental fools? cant we function anymore, without having to so readily judge people for what they are or are not? scarier still, haf we reached a point where we judge people according to who we make them out to be, and not who they really are?

there are some questions that just have no answers.

am i that worthless in your eyes,
a fly fluttering in the fading light.
i wont take it anymore this wholesome lie,
cross between two dragons and one sky.
because i rather be who i really am,
than to just be some stupid so called gentleman.

absolution

"As for Dom, he just rocks. He needs the transparent drum set so we could see his awesome pants.."

i freaking love muse.