what a joke lah.

am i not quite ready to sacrifice it all?

you've got your special designs,
all the little hearts and yellow crowns.

there are some things in life you just dont forget: all the firsts and all the lasts. that first kiss, the first crush, the first medal, the last goodbye, the last time singing the school song. it just makes us that much more human. it makes all those moments just a little more special.

no one can ever really compromise. we like to think we can, but it's so, improbable. its all those little things you know. you can look past the looks, the money, the love, everything. but can you look past those habits? everyone has habits.

once in awhile, i like to indulged myself in sad, emo rubbish. it can be quite nice, quite comforting. you know, the problem is that everything is presented to idealistically. i'll always be by your side. i'll never let you go. you're the only one for me. yes, it can be true. yes, we all have hope. dats why its so believable isnt it?

i dream, all the time.

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

before you






isnt that like, beautiful?

honestly, it's good to have your heart broken. i mean, if you have your heart broken, at least you can go to a hospital, get a good surgeon and mend it. yes it'll take awhile before it works like it did before, hell maybe some things may never be the same, but at least its there. at least it works.

what really sucks is not to have your heart broken. rather, to have it slowly chiselled away, bit by bit, until there's nothing left. even the best surgeon cant mend a heart that isnt there.

dont lose your hearts, little ones. bear with me, even if you cant bear with yourselves.

i am dead tired. i dont want to work on my i/s. i dont want to think about my crit com. all i want to do right now is to just get away from all this shit, and spend some time alone. or spend some time with people that matter...

i suppose, until i actually know, until its all out in the open, i'l never move on. its the same as it was before. it'll just keep eating and eating into me. it makes me unhappy. i have to be simple here. no more confusing riddles, no more stupid little secrets. just be simple, just be honest, just be true.

its been so long. it could be so much longer.

cant you say the same thing 10 times over, and mean it 10 times over?

I AM FEELING MURDEROUS.

sigh. i dunno what to say anymore. all the words are just lost. lost in translation maybe. we spend so much time trying to figure each other out, we forget that sometimes, we dont need to. sometimes we just need to listen. its easier to understand when people arnt always talking and spouting meaningless shit. people are so full of shit. and its tiring, having to always distil through all that shit to get to the meaningful stuff.

some part of me just wants to get everything out. some part of me just wants to scream and scream and destroy everything. but every part of me knows i cant do that. i have learnt my lesson, as hard as it may have been. control, i must control. i'm destroyed already, but that doesnt give me any right to go around destroying others.

i cant help but care. even if others dont want to give a shit, i still feel its my responsibility to do something. call me stupid, call me a public nuisance, whatever it is, i dont care. i've learnt not to care. i mean, at some stage, it all just passes by. i reason, many people judge and do things based on how they feel. like if they feel angry, they will be angry. i think in some ways i've lost that. or maybe suppressed that. at the moment, everything is about what i think. like, i have specific reasons to be angry, therefore i am angry, and therefore i feel angry. the feeling almost becomes an afterthought.

yes, the feelings almost become an afterthought.

you and i must fight for our rights.
you and i must fight to survive.

i am soon to crisis.

this should be quite interesting.

Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 3631
How many hours or days of music: 10.4 days
Most recently played: muscle museum (live glastonbury 2004) - muse
Most played: zombie - the cranberries
Most recently added: flights of fancy - west grand boulevard

Sort by song title:
First Song: abercrombie - mates of state
Last Song: 99 red love balloons - bjork

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: cave water dripping - 0:05 but that's not a song. intro - muse 0:22
Longest Song: echoes - pink floyd 16:31

Sort by album:
First album: a - kiko y sara
Last album: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

First song that comes up on Shuffle: amarantine - enya

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death: 13
Life: 98
Love: 138
Hate: 17
You: 415
Sex: 7

just now i witnessed a caterpillar getting totally owned. it was quite amusing. i was standing at the roadside, waiting for the light to change. then there was this caterpillar on the floor. then it started crossing the road. so i kept watching it, and kept thinking, oh man, what if a car ran over it? then WHAM. a car did. the caterpillar flipped about 3 rounds in the air, and landed on its back. dead.

the moderation fantasy

the one that we believe,
someone we create.
crawling about in our tyranny.

get in line, dont say a word.
lose your voice in this atmosphere.
count the people in this line,
make sure no one's left behind.

lets look on the bright side of life. of course, that is assuming there actually is one. but no, that is being cynical. so lets assume there's one. what could be good about losing your wallet (with ic within), your ipod, your camera and your keys?

i actually have a bright side. i just need to lose my handphone and my laptop now, and i can go triblal!

whoopee.

its lonely out there. and mighty quiet inside.

all this anger and frustration is going to kill me. its like, self-destructive. i really do wish i had some outlet of sorts. it sucks to be this negative, to always be angry and frustrated and unhappy. no one likes being unhappy. well, i hope not anyway. its a horrible feeling. its depressing. and i think more than anything else, it leaves one lonely. i think deep down inside, some part of us wants to be dependent. i mean, yes we talk so much about wanting to be independent and everything. but sometimes, its just nice to have someone to fall back on.

i fear i may never have a voice. i fear i may never be heard.

i'm going to type a long long post. by saying that, i think i have predisposed myself to do it. so what, is it wrong? in all honesty, there isnt much to talk about. so what shall i do? i am really hungry you know. i havent eaten much today at all. and there isnt anything to eat at home. all the pineapple tarts are gone. i love pineapple tarts. i love cny snacks. but it makes me fat, so in a way i'm glad they are gone. so how how. maybe i should talk about life. but life sucks. life is boring. you know i thought about it, what keeps friendships together? and what makes friendships just friendships, and nothing more? it must be our flaws, isnt it? the fact that people are so differently, but innately, we are all imperfect. we are all flawed. we all make mistakes. and i think as long as we recognise that, friends will be but friends. today i saw a very sad scenario in the train. there was this couple standing next to me. (not a good looking couple, but that is irrelevant.) the guy was playing his psp, with his headphones plugged in. the girl was standing next to him, leaning on him somewhat, and with her own headphones plugged in. now, isnt that just so very sad? i think it is. i mean, i definitely could be misjudging them, but i just find such a scenario very saddening. den again, i find myself contradicting myself. but maybe not. on the way up the escalator at tanah merah, i saw this angmoh couple totally making out on the down riding escalator. i personally found that slightly off-putting, but well, people say that's love. i doubt it. i think i'm looking at the somewhere in between. affection, but not, i dunno, obsession? but then again, maybe it is obsession that makes it so special. obsession isnt inherently a negative word. it tends to be associated with negative meanings, but it can be good, sometimes. there is a reason they call it a "healthy obsession". oh shit, i should paragraph.

there. a paragraph. i think the knights riff is just SO DAMN AWESOME. seriously. it makes me happy. its like the happy floorball. it makes me happy. i dont think its right, how i keep judging people. i know i cant use the argument that they judge me, hence i judge them. i mean, judgement is inevitable. but it gets excessive, sometimes. and i know it. i dont want to be a horrible person. ok so maybe i am, that's not for me to say, not really anyway. more correctly, i dont want to be an actively horrible person. some people can do it so well. and well, i cant. that sounds like an excuse. i dont want to keep having to make excuses. these are strangely short sentences. ok stop it man. quit dreaming. i shall go get myself something to satisfy my hunger. ok i found nothing. or maybe nothing found me. i think i shall go distract myself again. distraction is good. i dont really think, do i?

now now, just what do you want? i want to rant about muse. i think muse is awesome. i really do. it makes me all bubbly and happy. of course, that's provided i'm not listening to the depressing songs. starlight is incredibly uplifting, even if i dont particularly like the song. there's just something about the song, its so hopeful. and maybe we all need something like that. some blind hope. to just push us on. keep us going even when we feel like there's no more road ahead of us.

oh lookey. distraction.

hello.

you cant hear me.
you still drift around all the time.

i've forgotten the words to this song,
i've forgotten, for so so long.

be quiet.
we're all leaving.
once and for all.
decidedly, we shall move on.
even if we dont know how.

i can pretend so much that i do not care.
maybe even convince myself that i dont.
but there's no hiding the smile behind the frown.
i'm torn, again and again.
regardless of what the pictures say,
i'm not the person i'm made out to be.
a little less, maybe quite a bit more,
i'm running away, away from today.
so quiet now, hear your own breathing.
forget the sounds of my footsteps fading.
its a long way from home,
called out into the empty nowhere.
time passes, we wont regret.
no, not once.

if only i could change your mind,
if only she would turn back time.
then it would rain once more,
give us time for one more sunrise.

i had an incredible brainwave in my dream last night. the most amazing song lyrics came to me.

so i got up, picked up my phone, and typed everything down, then saved it under a draft.

and then i woke up this morning, and realised, ah shite. that was all a dream too.

goddamn.

wasting my mind, thinking about you all the time.
i've destroyed the future, trying to recreate the past.
green pastures turn grey, roses slowly rot away.

this is potentially tragic.

no one to talk to.
the music has left my ears.
all i hear now are the whisperings of my memories,
reminding me of all that i have thrown away.
words no longer fill up the empty daily silence.
all the buzz, occupies the space that was once reserved
solely for you.

maybe i never cared as much as i should have.
believe whatever that i may, things still wont change.
you have moved on with the times,
stayed on the tracks, speed ahead.
i remember getting off,
i remember getting lost.

third degree heartburn

how i wonder how this world would be,
if the sun didnt rise tomorrow,
if darkness was all that's left to see.

change out of those dirty clothes,
like the shallow bay purge your sins.
come off the steps, dont look back,
take heed, you may just succeed.

i suddenly feel like title-ing and labelling everything. its therapeutic. which reminds me, i really cannot spell. wonderful isnt it, this world we live in. its so perfect, and beautiful, and complete, and free of any troubles at all! honestly, the world is a perfect place. its complete, clean, orderly, predictable, stable, everything you could ever want. so what's the problem?

the world is populated by imperfect people, that's what.

because the because.

because he aint happy enough with what he has. hell, he aint happy at all.
because he does not enjoy what he does.
because he cant seem to get any satisfaction out of anything he does.
because its not good enough, it may never be.
because he doesnt know if it'll make him happy, which is why he hopes.
because hope is dangerous, hope is flawed, hope is everywhere.
because he listens not to the voice of emotion, but the voice of reason.
because he is afraid that that voice of emotion is right.
because he has a past.
because he doesnt know if there's any future.
because he's afraid, weak, frail to the bone.
because life's tough, but we struggle on anyway.
because he has friends to laugh.
because he has friends who cry.
because he pretends like he does not care.
because he wants to forget, even though he knows he cant.
because he wants to run, farther, longer, faster.
because he wants to fall, so he can pick himself up.
because he left those scars to never heal.
because he forgot, wings dont make you fly.
because we all care, even if we dont want to.
because we all feel, even if we try not to.
because we all fall, even if we never jump.
because we all hope, even if we've forgotten how.

this kind of weather is beautiful. its like, natural aircon. you know what the sad part is? in singapore, we call it freak weather. in temperate countries, they call it spring.

in other news, Houston, we have a problem.

house is seriously awesome. i love the show. gosh.

what is it then. glory? passion? bitterness? maybe its because one does something that one's good at, not something that one likes. and people actually realise that. how i wish there was someone who could talk to me about this, someone who could think with me. so why then? we always ask that question, why. it helps us think, it helps us relax. fuck pop ups. why dont clinton/obama use pop up ads? that would be soooo effective. you know, it would be nice to be smart. to know that thought processes actually count for something. its much better than all this hypothetical bullshit and theoretical hogwash. there's no point in trying to understand something we cannot comprehend.

what am i doing? i am avoiding reality. look at it. i'm not even telling you what the time is, even if it is 12.08am right now. i dont see the point. time's a measure of something. what is that thing? of moments past? wrong. time is the measure of the number of ticks on the clock that is used to determine time. (its some atomic clock somewhere, i've forgotten the name and am too lazy to take out the article) so if time, what many consider natural, is in fact a measure of a man-made phenomena, what's stopping us from applying this same logic to everything else? at some point, nature becomes rather unnatural, doesnt it? Man suddenly have a role to play in everything. suddenly, instead of signs of God, you start seeing signs of Man. instead of the golden ratio, you start seeing golden "made in china" markings. its what the world is coming to, lets face it. at some point, all this building, all this growing, its all going to collapse on itself.

there are too many smart people on this earth right now. that's why governments are seeking out ways to support life on other planets. earth is over-infested with brains. and it very obviously is a problem, the same way the fucking pop ups are a problem. cheebye partypoker.com. at some point, all that brain is going to have to go through natural selection. well, it has done, but those were less developed brains. they were the monkeys, these are now the man. we are going to have a war of ideas. and the best part is, its all freaking stealth. no one's going to know. its all those little discreet missions and covert ops that is going to be the doom of mankind. facebook, google, ebay, skype, they all have the same function, even if they are disguised differently. yes, you think they are harmless, but let me assure you, they are not. they are planting the seeds of destruction. they are getting you ready for the war, making sure you're prepared to fight, prepared to contribute to the carnage, prepared to be part of the downfall.

and when all the dust has cleared, it'll be you and me left. and we shall rule the new born reality.

its pretty ridiculous, therefore its worth a shot.
i know i'm not alright, its always been this way.
from that day we sat on those steps,
breathing life away.
come away from the edge,
quit hurting yourself all the time.
step up on that pedestal,
halos and broken wings.
share this discipline, the cause we follow to win.

looks like it isnt looking too good for you.
all that crumbles, break apart.
drift away like continents, always too far.
but there's no use telling me,
believe in the crimes of humanity.
have you gone to far?
questioning the leaders,
dressed in all white,
going about our lives all through the nights.

face it, its not like we have a choice. sometimes life is just going to suck. its not like i want to make things so difficult all the time. in many ways, i think we're all simple people. things just complicate themselves for us so we have drama. stupid freaking drama.

fuck lah. i'm sick and tired of it. i really am. i dont know how it feels, i dont know what to say, i dont freaking know anything at all. all i know, its not enough. its too little too late.

fuck math. i am going to fail fucking h1 math, laugh out loud.

It's happening soon, it's happening soon, its scent has been blowing in my direction.
To me it is new, to me it is new, and it's not gonna change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

It's got to be here, it's gonna be there, its gonna be now or I'll lose for ever.
To me it is strange, this feeling is strange, but it's not going to change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

Accuse me,
Trust me, I never knew,
That you were the one, you were the one,
oooh.

And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you. You.

life hurts.

i've turned on the radio. singapore radio. things must be looking rather bleak. especially when they start playing the fray and avril freaking lavigne.

lets face it, there is no going back. chase it as we may, nothing can recreate those silent memories. i dont want to have to continue this way. love like the yellow thief. love her, love her and salute her. i'm driving myself up the wall. into the grave. whichever imagery suits best.

i cant express just how i feel. i can tell you what's happened, i can tell you how i react, i can tell you what i'm thinking. but i cant tell you how i feel. its hard, this emotion business. there's alot at stake isnt it? i realise, i cant just put it all aside. ok so maybe i can. well it depends. the music on the radio is annoying. maybe i want sympathy i know i wont get.

you know what, yes i can.

singaporeans are brilliant. you know the classic problem: tomayto or tomarto? well, we singaporeans have figured it out.

tomehto.

i lie all the time, even if its the only way to make them fake their smiles...

hello. i wonder if anyone hears this plea. but it is of no matter and consequence, all the fault still will remain mine.

hello there. can you hear me? will you spare one moment to witness this out pour?

gosh, this is incredibly stupid. yes, i know i am. shhh. shuttup. i'm trying very hard to cry here.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

bob. is. happy. is. bob.

for a long time now i've had this coming.

just think about it for a moment. some things must come, and then some things must go. there's no use holding on to the past is there? i mean, what's done cannot be undone, what wasn't done cannot now be done. everything, in some way, has its time and place. and once you let it out of your grasp, in many ways, its gone forever. there is no turning back, even if we keep looking back. there are some secrets you can just keep forever, even though it isnt really a secret. its more shortcoming, something you wouldnt want to admit to. your stupidity, your naivety, your mistake.

the real issue now is this: who do i want to be? i mean, sure i know what i can do, in some cases i know what i should do. do i then be myself? or be what i should be? how long more am i going to remain my selfish self, and hope that it'll pull me through? you know, i dont think i am what i was before. maybe its cos i used to have so much to hide. now what do i have? am come on, its j2 already. i'm 18, last year in vj. everythings going to end pretty damn soon you know. i hope that sharing session is still on, a12. we all need closure. i maybe more than all of you.

i think i am past unhappy or sad. i have entered the realms of being miserable. i hate what i'm doing, i hate so many things. i know what can make me happy, but i'm not doing/getting it. what does that make me? miserable. indeed it does. realistically, i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. in my dreams, i'll be doing what i want, what i enjoy, what i love. but i doubt anyone will let me chase that dream. my parents sure as hell wont. hell if anything, they'd be the ones trying to stop me.

there really is no use pretending this is some massive issue, some all-encompassing problem, when obviously its not...

there are no answers.
there isnt a way out, not yet.
i'm still learning.
even if i dont like it,
as much as i want to escape it,
i've fallen thus far.
through the clouds and onto the grass.
there are no answers.
all day i can wish upon falling stars,
watch the days run past,
and still i'll think of you.
no idea, never ever will.
there are no answers.
none, this riddle will forever baffle.
tease young men, play with their minds.
this night we shall change,
make amends for all the faults of our games.
but there are no answers.

happiness resides in those who seek nothing of the meaning to their existence.

sigh. valentines day once more. i dont want to be cynical. sometimes, its so depressing. the truth is, there isnt anyone left to talk to anymore...

groups has ended. at least for now. suddenly, things are going to have to go back to normal again. i dunno if i can deal. no more late nights, no more thaipan, no more dancing...

for some people its so easy you know.
all they have to do is be themselves.
and i dont know how they can do it,
just throwing such words around.
often, all i want to do is to lose myself.
find some way to stop those thoughts,
to just let go, all of it.
but its not easy, it never is.
life doesnt give you second chances,
you've got to work for them.
and sometimes, no one cares see.
no one wants to admit to being weak.
no one wants this curse that is defeat.

things have been so tiring. crazy. i have become crazy. or rather more crazy. and well, everything is speeding. suddenly there isnt time anymore. everyone's rushing to do so many things. too many things, too little time.

honestly, too many things to say, too little words to express just how i want to feel.

what a blissful 18th birthday =)

thanks you friends.

what does it say, when even using an exclamation mark in a sentence is difficult?

what really sucks, is having everything you ever wanted taken away from you.

without even a reason why.

i realise, my anger is very self-destructive. i think i need anger management. its been too long since i've had anyone to talk to. the actual period of actually being angry isnt long. its all the shit that comes after. it kills me from within. its just, i dont have anyway to get it out. especially now, when he has to be so fucking moronic to take my guitar away just cos of some fucking piano exam. it all makes no sense at all. how stupid can parents be? ugh. i really feel like ranting now, and just, you know, everything. but then, i dont. in some ways, i cant. i'm doing all this shit to myself anyway.

running around in circles all the time.
licking the salt in my paper cut wound.

gosh, january is over, just like that. it still feels strange being j2. its almost like it hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know when it will. but oh well, everything takes time i guess. you know what they say about time healing all wounds. in a way, i think its true. the question to ask is, just how long are you going to wait? we dont live forever, we dont heal forever. i suspect many people go through their lives with wounds that will never heal.

the thing is, most people dont care the way i do, i think. maybe i'm just anal, maybe i have some kind of complex, but i suppose the core of it is just a desire to be specific. trying to sort out the differences between 'can' and 'will'. the differences between 'must' and 'are'. its all about the phrasing, these questions... i mean, different questions ask for different answers. there is a difference between "can you do something?" vs "will you do something?". one does not necessarily lead to the other. i suppose people just assume that correlation.

i think the one thing i need to figure out is what i want. okay so it probably isnt that simple. its more like, among all the things that i want, what do i want most? i havent figured that out, and honestly i dont think i am anywhere close to figuring that out. and you know, i am turning 18 in 4 days. i should really get to figuring this out. i cant just get on in life not knowing what i want. i need a direction, i need a goal.

its hard wanting something you cant get.

sometimes, i really just want to be happy.

if only just for awhile...

everyone's got their own flaws. that's what makes us different from each other. and i mean, sometimes it is very hard to deal. sometimes it does get too much, where you just feel like giving up, where you just feel like letting lose all that pent up frustration. its so easy to say that we should tolerate. the question really is, how much does one tolerate?

i like to judge people. that's the honest truth. i like to judge people, to make sense of the relationships, everything. do i adopt the position of someone greater, someone superior? i dont think i do. i hope i dont. i wonder how much people judge me. i wonder if people judge me as much as i judge myself. is judgement bad? is it wrong to pass judgement? i dunno, it depends i guess. it can be argued that it is our judgement that determines who we are. like, what you like, what you dislike. its all judging isnt it? but at the same time, judgement can be "wrong". i think its not so much the judgement, but rather if we act on those judgements. by taking action i think we're bringing it pass just the act of judging.

i dont know if i have a sense of what's right and wrong. my mind works weirdly. i dont know if i'm in any position to judge people.

turning 18 soon. man, that must feel good.

thank goodness we now have a fantabulous group piece.

(i will attempt a longer more coherent blog post when my mind becomes longer and more coherent)

how can we win, when fools can be king?

fuck pop up ads.

she's slipping away once more.

i am confused. i keep having that same feeling over and over again. its just the feeling of no knowing who you are or what you are. sigh. i can still remember everything quite vividly. i dont think it will go away. not any time soon at least. you know, maybe i never did quite move on.

mmmh what you say...

i dont know what i want. or maybe that aint true. i know what i want. i cant decide what i want more. i know i cant want everything, that's just selfish and naive. i suspect i've got all my priorities all messed up. both by myself and also by others. i mean, i think everyone is set expectations. really, some of them are ridiculous. i mean, i know i'm being very selfish and short-sighted, but thing is, if i really dont want to do it, if i dont enjoy it at all, then what's the point?

you know, i keep asking myself so many questions, but i can never find any answers for them. i'm waiting for people to tell me what to do, because i'm just too afraid to take a stand.

i have issues. i dont think i can get along with myself very well. its becoming something of a problem. for quite long, i just have had to tolerate, to endure. i dont know, am i to be condemned for occasionally snapping? i probably am too proud to say sorry, but i am. i just wish people knew that. and i mean, looking at the stuff i've got to take, i dont want to whine and say that it is only fair, but i think it is. oh well. i'm just being all self-centred again.

absolution is upon us.
before you know it,
you're awake once more.

it makes my heart beat a little bit quicker,
lets me forget i'm hanging on to life-support.

the sooner this is all over, the better. i cant wait for ns. i really really cant wait. i mean, 2 years of being away from home!! how wonderful is that!

sigh. it really does piss me off. and well, the sad part is that i know it is in me also. and i dont know if i can control it. its like a monster eating away from within, yet at the same time attacking from outside.

and i'm hanging on to a heartbeat, waiting to pass my time.

gosh, why are you so stubborn?? you're greatest shortcoming will be the fact that you never dare to step up. and you know it, right? something's gotta change if you want to get anywhere at all.

time to stand up for what you want...

sigh. my heart isnt in it anymore. its been that way for very long now. i mean, its just not what i want to do. i'm not running my race, i'm running theirs. there's no more motivation, no more drive. i'm just plodding on, step by step, hoping to get far away enough for them to forget.

you're number has been called.

sigh, i think its happening once more.

so, this is post 700. its been awhile hasnt it. wasnt too long ago that we were all young and naive.

i would just like to say that i am really fucked for my tsd and ki is/es, not to mention groups prelims in six freaking weeks. and a stupid piano reexam to top everything off.

-insert multiple swear words here-

mon like, totally rocked.

i find it quite amusing how when you read freshman blogs, they all seem to have an impression that they have "classrooms". like, the classroom is 'theirs', they have a particular 'seat', its all rather amusing i must say. its just, strangely naive and quite honestly funny. i suppose they havent yet been immersed in jc life to understand what it is like. i guess the thing about classes in jc is that, without a fixed classroom, you lose a sense of belonging, which in turn might result in the loss of a group identity. which then makes you have to work harder to use other means to maintain and feed that identity.

and for how long?

i'm going to pretend that i cannot hear a sound,
so that i may live without seeing you smile.
practice makes perfect in this world of imperfection.
now that it's all said and done,
i can go on making the same mistakes as before.
just to prove to myself that i was wrong,
give myself one more shot at redemption.

i somehow think i am losing it. it just doesnt feel quite right anymore. i am in a strange position. its weird, because i've never felt senior before. there's never been that kind of, i dunno, false sense of responsibility. suddenly, there's so much more to think about. suddenly, it isnt just all about me anymore. suddenly, i've got to be something more.

or maybe i'm just cheating myself, pretending that they actually care.

watch one after another, duh, its part 1 and part 2.

6 posts to 700. and it only keeps on moving on.

well, orientation has thus far been a blast. i'd like to sound a lot happier and more, you know, crazy, but its just rather unlike me. or is it?

so anyway, orientation has thus far been a blast. have been having a lot of fun, going crazy and all. havent had quite this much fun in a long time. and thank god for orientation lah, at least can start of this horrible year well. 08 is going to be a reaaaaaaally long year.

i am really damn long winded. this is bad. i need a new start, a new means of getting ahead in life. as of right now, i am so not ahead.

i realise, there are many different kinds of blogs. personal blogs that is, not like, spluch or aal or the like.

http://www.atomfilms.com/2008/kung_fu_election/index.jsp - AWESOME!!

anyway, yes back to blogs. well, i suppose some people blog for others to read. like, they know people read their blog, so they've got to sorta tell people stuff that is happening. and suppose reading those kinds of blogs, at least its interesting cos you can like find out about what people are doing, and gain an insight into their lives. i think those kinds of blogs also have better emotional presentation, in the sense that its easier to tell how the person feels. i suppose those kind of blogs are more spontaneous in a sense, because people will always blog after something happened, when everything is still fresh.

and then there are blogs that, i dunno, people blog for no one really. i think mine's sort of liddat. its more pensive, more reflective, definitely more sombre. there's alot less telling of what happened, rather there's more thinking and reflecting going on. actually i dont know if this is true, its just more what i think about my blog. i think i blog for me lah. it helps me to clear out my thoughts, sometimes i rant, sometimes i mope, sometimes i just blog cos i'm too damn bored. but i think it also acts as a kind of journal, in the sense that at least for me, i can chart how i've developed by looking at my archives. the way we blog, the things we blog about, it all changes i think.

there's no saying which one is better. i mean, they both have their own good points. i think its probably good to have a little bit of both. but then again, that may be asking too much. then again, maybe this analysis of blogs is too general. i mean, i think its overly simplistic to say that all personal blogs fall under 2 distinct categories. i mean, i am pretty sure there is alot of grey area.

but what matters most, is that we belief in what we say, and we dont hold back on how we feel.

i suspect one could argue that any act not motivated by the want to progress and advance, is hence an act wasted.

well, do meaningless emails then become inconsequential? after all, the email hardly seeks to push for advancement or progression of any sort. all it does is reaffirms what we already know. then, reminders are hence rendered meaningless. is that what we want society to become?

i feel that we need to question ourselves. maybe we are too caught up in this system of ours, so obsessed with advancement and reaching the top of the pile, that we forget not only the right way to get there, but also we forget to pull the people behind us along with us.

i think that may just be the greatest lesson from this week.

and so it begins.

listen up my fellow beings, together, we shall strive for greater heights!
no matter how often we may fall, we will always pick ourselves up again!
why? because we can! because we must!
listen to the calling from within your heart.
find the will to crawl even when your legs are wasted.
together, we will be king!

its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.

yet another rubiks cube for the collection

the beauty of it all is, sometimes, it really is that simple. i wonder if they'll ever know, if they'll ever understand. you know, everyone may say it is complicated, but no matter how many layers we put on, no matter how much we hide, deep down inside its all quite the same. i think we all want the same thing, its just that we are too afraid of wanting the same thing as other people.

of course, the reality of the situation is that fairy tales never do come true. does that stop people ni believing in them? of course not! fairy tales give people hope, and no matter how far-fetched they may be, there is that single underlying utopian quality that binds them all together. honestly, i think its so much easier to write grim stories. because if you think about it, life can really be that horrible. one could argue those stories reveal the truth about life, the horror of humanity, and the fact that we humans can and will be inherently evil. fairy tales want us to think that beyond the evil and horror, deep down inside we are, just barely, a little good. everyone loves a bad guy, but everyone loves a bad guy come good even more. and somehow, that must be what we all are chasing. a chance at redemption.

within all that rubbish, there must be some meaning in it.

the year is coming to an end. can u believe it?? the year (for a moment i typed world) is freaking coming to an end!!

omg.

i dont know if i'll have time to reflect. there's so many things to do. and yet i want to reflect. i need to, i really do.

there's so much to cover, so much to remember.

its amazing how much difference a year makes. it seemed like just yesterday when we first walked in, and now today we stand so tall. what a load of crap.

i think i've forgotten, because i'm struggling to recall.

what i need is more time. everyone needs more time. its ridiculous. time is endless and infinite, yes it refuses to give people more. thats just selfish you know. whoever created this system obviously ruled a totalitarian regime.

democracy is the future, insanity is the now.

the truth might just be fading away. does it scare me? yes, of course it does. its fucking freaking me out. the feeling of helplessness and being loss, its strange. and extremely discomforting.

no one's reading the clues of your fairytale end.

do i know what i'm doing? of course not. will i regret what i am doing? of course. do i understand the consequences of my actions? of course not. so what then, am i doing? and more importantly, why??

keep a lid on the face of time.

at some point, something really is going to have to give. no way can this silence last forever, nor should we ever let it.

pull them aside, speak to their minds.

to put it very simply, the task at hand is one of epic proportions. why? because it the highly complex mechanically enhanced manufacturing and reconstructing process. several key precautions must be followed, to ensure the quality of the eventual product will not be terminally compromised. its frighteningly simple and implicit to give instructions. its how you make people listen to them that really counts.

all this shit, just to hide the fact that i am weak.

the scary part about blogs is, one, you never know who is reading. and two, you never know who actually understands. i dont like that. i really dont. its like, ripping someone's lungs from their body, yet leaving his stomach behind. it just isnt right isit?

i've got some tips about cycling in the rain at night.

first and foremost, DONT DO IT RETARD.

however, if u are so suay as to be caught in the rain while cycling and need to get home urgently, or you're as stupid as me, here are some useful (i think) tips:

- focus. that is the most importantly thing of all. i mean, on a normal day i can get by with maybe 60-80% concentration, but cycling in the rain needs 110%. beside the fact that your vision is obscured cos of the rain, (made worse if ure a four-eyed hero like me), there is also all the puddles, the curbs and everything. there is also the fact that water getting into your eyes might mean you have to blink hard or rub your eyes. and oh yes, THE TRAFFIC. focus man, just that little break in concentration could be tragic.

- screw the puddles. i mean, you're already wet, and will stay that way. forget about the puddles.

- keep a steady pace. i find that its best to find a comfortable pace, den push it a little. so that you have good momentum, and at the same time you dont burn yourself out. and remember, the faster you reach your destination, the faster you are out of the run. but but never cycle top speed. its just too dangerous, duh.

- trust your instincts. i dunno, i trusted mine.

- stay off the sidewalk. yes, cycle on the road. why? firstly, its better lit. secondly, sidewalks are definitely more dangerous, especially if you have to keep going up and down. i mean, its just pushing the risk factor up. and road provides much better traction than sidewalks. and you dont want to risk running into people.

- open your eyes as big as possible. seriously, look out for everything. especially check behind you, and when crossing junctions, look beside you too. and strain to look ahead.

- use your brakes. break when turning, break when going downhill, and break early. accelerating into a corner, while fun and much faster, is just damn freaking dangerous. use your breaks, even if you dont like to. (like me)

siao.

you know, there is something incredibly wonderful about being out there in the rain. its liberating, feeling the rain rush down on you. it allows you to just for that moment, forget everything, any worries, problems, everything. its just you, and the wrath of mother nature, to fight the battle of eternity.

i've got a reasoning.

i suppose, the way out is not that hard. its just a matter of not letting yourself give in to the boredom. really, sleep sometimes is the best medicine. i mean, so often its so easy to start brooding, to start digging through old memories, all the past records. it is so easy. sometimes, it really too easy.

we all need distractions. i think for some people its easy, for some it isnt.

well, sometimes, this is all we have. maybe, its all that we need.

i realise, i've remained in this kind of mood for quite awhile now. its, well, not extreme, i suppose its the only way to describe it. its been a topsy turvy year, but this hols has been surprisingly alright. fuck i am damn hungry. i think i'm changing. hopefully thats a good thing. everyone needs to change sometime or another. oh well, we all have to just hope it aint too late.
Conforming on a monday
Too often and too cold
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natural disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

Like a broken damn you're empty
And all that's left are the sticks and stones
That were built by other people
And it really shows
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natuaral disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

now THAT my friend, is proper education.

technology is being a fecking bitch.

and i've got no patience.

i shall kop from char. thanks char :D (why. oh no reason. just because)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. MUSE CDS :D (real ones)
2. uh, my laptop. duh :D
3. my hp
4. my floorball stick/ball
5. guitars + amp
6. uh, ironing board >.>
7. bob (argh char i wanna go oso >.> maybe my dad will take me)

SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? who doesnt?
2. Does someone like you? hur, you say leh.
3. Last kiss? in my memory.
4. Been lead on? its hard to say. led on by others? not sure. by myself? so many times.
5. Been cheated on? nah.
6. Want a relationship? we all believe in fairytales, dont we?
7. Wanna get married? it would be nice. (along with nice fireworks and parachutes)

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. my laptop.
2. "The bands that make my world a better place" - Muse
3. guitar.
4. water. alot alot of water. and milk. and honey stars.
5. my ipod.
6. piracy.
7. pen and paper. its a beautiful thing.

SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. muse songs, doot doot doot. "you know i dont love you, i never diddddd"
2. jam jam jam!
3. pain.
4. now, the plug in baby riff. woooh.
5. gt-8
6. its hot. or rather, not cold, considering my air con is on -.-
7. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i'm agnostic.
2. Had a dream come true? if my dreams came true, this world will be a VERY VERY VERY strange place.
3. Read the newspaper? everyday. sports section, life section.
4. Get enough sleep everyday? you can never have enough sleep.
5. Have a best friend? hmmm. not exactly, no.
6. Take a bath daily? who doesnt? (ok dont tell me. bo bice lol)
7. Wish on stars? everyday, everyday.

SEVEN HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Fallen in love? i dont think so, not quite. (but maybe, you know)
2. Kissed someone of the same sex? nope.
3. Hooked up with someone who had a gf/bf? of course not.
4. Been to a Bonfire? bonfire specifically? i've done campfires.
5. Ran away from home? sadly not. not that i havent thought about it. and i was on my way out once, only i got stopped. bleargh.
6. Played strip poker? yep.
7. Pulled an all nighter? often.

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? nah.
2. Had fun? not terribly.
3. Been kissed? by a ghost maybe.
4. Felt stupid? nothing new is it.
5. Talked to an ex? nope.
6. Missed someone? all the time.
7. Listened to music? in the past 24 hours, i have listened to approximately 6-7 hours of muse. hip hip hooray.

LMAO. ah lians are sooooo funny. god.

ok the stupid side of me has had enough laughs. now time to think. doh >.>

i think it says quite alot that only a society like singapore's can breed this wonderful race called ah lians (and well, ah bengs). the japs are different, because well, japanese IS a cute language, they HAVE cute clothes, and they talk normally. (albeit in jap). hokkien/chinese/"english"/whatever other random dialect is NOT cute. the clothes they wear are NOT cute. and they CANT talk normally! i mean, uraqt = you are cute. what the fuck. shu wen jus brought up a very good point, how do they rmb all these um, "accronyms" and spellings? its amazing!! i suppose while we normal people are slugging away at econs or math or what not, they are memorising their lian dictionary and practising vocab, eh? ok this is getting a bit flamy.

well my point was, and is, that only a society like singapore's can cultivate such a culture. we've all heard time and time again about out cultural diversity, and how we embrace people from around the world. in this case, that is a problem. its all this mishmash of rubbish that brings about the wonders of the lian. and people in singapore, i suppose another problem is that there isnt an identity, you know. like, english are english, they've got their football and their tea. japanese are japanese, they've got their gadgets and kawaii. singaporeans, are? we've got what? i suppose because of that these people feel the need to proclaim who they are. and so, all the pink, all the piercings, wahoo a lian. and ironically, they also want to be different you know, they are special and unique worhx. so they start inventing words. you -> u -> uu -> uu/~ -> eu!~ -> yew -> yeeuuuww. wad the heck. i swear ahlianism should be classified as a social phenomenon.

its just amazing. i am amazed by them, really.

hell, maybe i'll do my ki i/s on ah lians. now THAT'll be fun.

wOrHxXxss!!*~*~

gothic music can be surprisingly soothing

i swear, it felt like something. i dont want to admit it, but i think i will. its affecting me bad, i think. and any way i look at it, no matter how i try to twist all of it, it always comes back to the same thing.

quite how much, its always a problem you know. its hard to quantify such things, and in some ways, i dont think i should. well, doesnt mean i dont. i keep trying to quantify things, everything. everything must mean something, and when they do, i want them to mean nothing. but they do.

sigh.

what can i say that hasnt already been said?

its so messy, so complicated, when all i really want to say is so simple.

hello, again.

4:47 - instant nirvana

its easy to drown out all your fears and misery.

gosh, what am i doing??
its 3 wks to 2008, and i've done nothing.
this is just pathetic.

i honestly believe that the only jobs teenagers should be allowed to do are service jobs. ie sales, customer service, waiter etc.

why? because i think its the only kind of job that will benefit people our age. i mean, we all want to work, most of us for the money, but lets look at it logically. working for money should only be a serious consideration when we are looking at being self-sustainable. while that might be true for some people our age, the vast majority of teenagers can afford not to have a job. so, i think the real value in jobs is the learning experience. as corny and cliche as it sounds, i really think its true.

and why service? because we can learn to appreciate things we normally take for granted. its so easy to walk into a restaurant and expect the waiter to serve food, drinks etc. better still functions, where waiters have to clear plates, top up drinks, ask you what you want, serve food etc. i dont think many people will realise how much work is involved. after working just 2 days, i can honestly say i appreciate the work they do. its the same with sales, you learn how to deal with people. you learn communication skills.

i think most importantly, we are able to have a diff perspective. and i mean just for once, we get to understand what its like to be behind the counter, instead of being in front of it all the time. i mean, forget about the money. its important, but not that important. i believe the learning, and the experience, is more important. as such, i dont think students should be allowed like, desk jobs or what. there's nothing to learn. mundane work will only dull the mind and the body. everyone should go out there and experience the whole, and understand the life outside our teenage life, outside the itunes and the youtubes and the facebooks and the movies and the shopppings and all.

really, i think that's important.

this fucking headache is killing me.

sigh (:

its fucking stupid. i mean, lets face it, what's the point? no one's going to be much happier after it, waste money, waste everyone's time, just makes everyone more pissed off with each other. its fucking stupid. i mean, i'm sure we've all got better things to do than pretend we enjoy each other's company while walking through some ancient temple pretending to be totally in awe when all we really want to do is to be back at home.

FACE IT, ITS FUCKING STUPID.

fuck lah, wake up only so much frustration.

beginner's luck seems to make sense. after watching the show my brilliant brain, i had an idea. or a muse, of sorts. while many pass off the notion of beginner's luck as being just that, luck, i actually think there's a quite reasonable explanation as to how its more than just luck.

if we take the example in the show about chess masters (and grandmasters), their mastery of the game stems from their ability to recognise moves before they happen, and hence act accordingly. a chess pro is able to predict his or her opponents moves, and according to the show, this is done by matching what they see on the board with their bank of chess memories, and hence determine (instinctively) what to do.

now, how does this relate to beginner's luck? if we look at games, lets say strategic games like chess or checkers or what not, the pro is separated from the rest by his ability to predict his opponents moves. for arguments sake lets assume everyone is male. i mean, it appears that the very best dont actually have to think about their moves, it becomes instinctive after awhile. so, when beginner's somehow upset better players, is it just luck? i dont think so. i think what happens is that beginners, due to their inferior abilities, introduce the factor of uncertainty, and in certain cases, possibly randomness. and what this does is that it probably disrupts the better players ability to predict his opponents next move. when good players play great players, great players will triumph because good players will sorta know what to do, and the great players know they know what to do. but i suppose beginners just mess things up. so, is it really luck then?

what about games like sports? dont better players just have better ability, which discounts the notion of predictability? again, i think the same concept probably applies, although maybe differently. tennis is an example that comes to mind. when good players play, they kinda know what to expect from their opponents. topspin, slices, kick services, its all in the book. and the pros will know how to deal with it. but what happens when u put a total novice to play a pro? many people (me included possibly) will say that the pro will surely have the ability to deal with wadeva the other guy throws at him. but again i think the unpredictability of the situation matters. maybe not individual points, but perhaps disrupting the rhythm of the game as a whole.
the problem here is that, it seems like anyone can have this beginner's luck, right? i mean, all we need to do is to do things a little randomly. but i dont think this is the case. i mean, there is randomness, and there is planned randomness. (well of course there is always the argument that nothing is actually truly random, because it would have to stretch on to infinity, but lets not go there) my point is, i dont think its actually possible for a good player to effectively exhibit novice behaviour. certain habits and preferences and traits will show through.

i realise that the notion of beginner's luck appear to apply solely to individual games/contests. in teams, i suppose there are too many variables to consider, for the effect of unpredictability to be felt.

so yes, there is no such thing as beginner's luck. not really.

( i realise, all the above is prob bullshit concocted to try justify faring worst than people seemingly weaker or lousier than i am. ah well, i'm pissed hurting)

the thing about christmases, its a great time to think. i mean, its the end of the year, soon to be the start of a new one. i never reaaaaly enjoyed christmas. i mean, yes of course i like christmas, i mean got present who dont like, but i've hardly ever enjoyed it. ok so maybe as a kid i did, but i'm losing that kid part in a way. sometimes, its just so contrived you know.

sigh aiya i think if i stop thinking about these kinds of rubbish i'll be a happier person. i really want to be happier. its nice, being happy.

really, it prob is.

pain is good.

pain is a reminder that you can still feel.

i want to pick up meditation.

i really think its quite sad that happy cheesy shalala shows makes me feel rather sad and depressive, whereas depressing and sad shows somewhat makes me feel hopeful.

i somehow dont think that's quite right, is it?

and in this ever-changing madness,
we still want to believe.

oh man oh man.
i think once again its coming to a point i cant deal.
i dont want to be unhappy,
i dont want to be frustrated and angry,
and there really is no excuse for it is there?
no one will believe me anyway,
so i'm sorry if i pretended to be that way.

who's going to write your fairytale ending?
the one where the bride falls and harry is the king...

i know its selfish, but delving in others' problems let me forget my own.

i think we've all got to let go a little bit.
being ourselves can sometimes be too hard, too much.

and somehow, we're all just looking for that romantic inside.
i dont think i can stand people who get attached for the sake of it.
i mean honestly, whats the point?
relationships shouldnt just be about bragging rights isit?
or maybe we're just too young to understand.
at 14, at 17, what do we know?
just how much have we experienced,
to be able to say we understand?
is love overrated though?
i dont know. in some ways i think it is.
i think its too absurd to be falling in love all the time.
call me cynical, yes, but i just dont think you can fall in love that often.
honestly, is it that easy to find love?
maybe i'm being too judgemental,
i cant accept the fact that people are different,
people dont share my views.
maybe some people just can fall in love.
maybe, just maybe, i'm jealous.
yet i think deep down in every single person theres that little idealism.
maybe its just a dream, some kind of unachievable utopia,
some people call it hope.
i dont know, i think i've seen what love is.
seeing old couples walking in the park,
i think thats love.
i might be wrong, but at least thats what i think.
i dont know if i'm right in saying this,
but i think at some point or another,
everyone dreams of that knight in shining armor fairytale.
girls want to be rescued, guys want to be the hero.
maybe i'm generalising too much, quite possibly i'm wrong.
but really, isnt it nice?
fairytale endings give you that feeling that there is hope in this world after all.

and sometimes, thats all that matters.

we can never be satisfied.
its the holidays, but we still want so much more.
sometimes, i think holidays are worse than sch days.
sch days theres actually stuff to do everyday,
in a sense you know what's coming tomorrow.
you know that you have to get up and go to school.
holidays really suck in the sense that you know theres work to do,
multiples i/ses and shit, but you also know there's time.
no so there actually isnt,
but holidays give you the false impression that theres time.
and so you put it off.
there always is a later.
and there never is a never.

we all want a little escape.
just to be able to run off to that little hole of yours,
and not to have to worry about anything else in the world.
to be with your friends, to be with yourself.
and to just drop everything.
screw work, screw school, screw parents, screw everything.

the truth is that i aint satisfied.
in everything i do, i cannot find that satisfaction, that happiness.
theres always that little shred of doubt that lingers.
so maybe i'm better off not thinking about all of it.
to just hang loose and stop worrying.
there'll always be time to worry.
i suppose in a way i cant keep looking back,
neither can i keep thinking about the future.
i spend too little time in the present.
of course there always is the argument that the present does not exist,
but sadly, for many people, it does.
and i've got to deal with the fact that even if i dont think it does,
people do, and in a sense we've all got to live by other people's presents.

come on one and all, run away with me!

never say goodbye,
because we'll always have this to come away to.
only if we try, only if we try.

omg pain > me

at the very least, this is painful.
why? cos obviously it hurts, whether you believe it
or not.

wa lau i cant believe i cable ski-ed 4 fraeking hrs today.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/bags/9aa0/

OMG I WANT I WANT I WANT SOMEONE BUY FOR ME FOR XMAS I WANT I WANT

O_O wow

omg i had a really bad dream last night (or well, this morning actually. i only went to sleep at 730) in it, my elec guitar got totally busted, and i remember myself screaming. oh god. thank god it wasnt real.

spinning away

i ask and ask again,
but still the same the road leads me back to nothing.
i've come so far only to have to see,
there really was nothing to succeed.

sometimes, i just think i'm chasing the impossible.
holding out for hope, even when there seems to be none.
some people may argue hope is always there,
whether we see it or not.
i just dont see the point anymore.
the truth is, its too hard.
too meaningless, to pointless, to tiring.
i dont want to have to do it anymore.
i mean, it really sucks being held like a prisoner in your very own home.
by others, and by yourself.
i dont want to be here,
and neither does he want me here.
just as it is, it leaves me no where to go.
i could roam, but where will i end up?
could i go anywhere better?
can i find a place that will accept me for who i am?
i think, i can be whoever you want me to be.
cos i dont even know who i am,
i dont think i can be me.
its easier to be someone else,
someone whom i dont have to take responsibility,
someone unlike me, yet in a way, still me.
i've gone and changed, but have you?
i cant help it, i've taken all my drugs and all the pills,
still the same memories and thoughts swirl in my throat,
choking the life out of me.
and i'm spinning, spinning, spinning.
spinning, away.

am i still hoping?

argh, let the frustration set in.

first, the a string on the electric snapped.

then, the high e string on the acoustic snapped.

cheebong.

now i dont have ANY guitars to play with.

wad the hell.

if we could just take it back to before,
relive those moments, rewrite those notes again.
i promise i wont be quite as daft,
i'll do what i meant to, act as i must.
i think just for that while,
i remember being happy.
right back into those moments,
those memomiseries.
it's all so obvious to me now,
so why couldnt i have been a little less blind?
maybe if i did understand, comprehend,
i could find a way out of this shallow hole.

i'm sorry, but i really cant deal.
may a shed a tear for you?
or would you spare me the trouble and come to my rescue?

!!!! how could they leave that out of the dvd?!?!?!??

omg if only i could do that some day

in other news, i bought a fishing rod.

somtimes, it is too easy to imagine bridges where there are none.

what if everyone spoke what they really thought?

i mean, honestly, every conversation's so...complicated. i mean i think its true, its not what we say, its what we are saying. and even if we dont say much, we are saying alot. problem is, we dont dare to actually ask about what we are saying, only what we say.

life is complicated. no, life is simple. no, life is.

for one moment
i wish you'd hold your stage
with no feelings at all
open minded
i'm sure i used to be so free

wow

all i can say is, WOW.

i am willing to say, i know what it feels like to feel useless and worthless.
to feel like you dont mean a thing at all.
i mean, what can i fall back upon?
what's going to cushion my many falls?
friends? i'm not a social person.
family? up yours.
relationship? yea, in 400 years maybe.
money? i wish.
status? yea: shit.
myself? no way in hell.

it sucks, having all that you want, all that you can only dream for, to have it crushed, over and over again. its a horrible feeling that's hard to describe. i've cried because of it. i never really realised how important dreams and hopes are. i mean, its one of the few motivating forces keeping me going. but am i doing all this in vain? am i chasing a long lost cause? am i running a race i will never finish? one i was never meant to finish?

it hurts to have to think so.
it really hurts.

i really need someone to understand.