Title Number One

just stripped my blog of the template. let me think why...

1. i want my titles back. 

titles are important. titles set the tone of whatever is to come. and its also a really pretentious way to appear smart and philosophical. i mean, its very easy to think of one-liners that sound really smart, and then just fill up the post with rubbish. i always do that. i want my titles back. i want my one-liners back. 

2. i was getting bored with my old one.

i mean yes matt bellamy is all over it, but the blue and grey was actually quite hard on the eyes. i like white much better. and its less cluttered, and easier to manage i guess. which is always a plus. 

3. change of style.

i notice it already. it feels more open, less angsty and repressed. i actually feel like i'm talking to someone, instead of just myself. captive audience indeed. hey my language is improving too! now this is strange... 

4. neutrality. 

do i really need to explain? no, cos i understand what it means. that's good enough. 

5. i'm tired of ripping off other peoples' works

yeah, now i'm just ripping off blogger. but hey, at least they encourage me to do it. 

6. i've got nothing better to do right now.

truth be told, i thought of all those reasons (minus no 6) after changing the template. life is always better viewed in hindsight, because there's nothing you can do to change what has been done and decided. of course that isnt always true but hey, math is over. no one gets to argue with me. 

so everyone, all hail the return of the Title!

why i dont care: 

its simple. its over, so there's nothing to care about.

its when its not over that it becomes a problem, because u cant help but caring. 

i think no matter how many times u watch it, armaggadon is still a great movie. its all about the american dream and the great sacrifice. 

the all american rejects guy cant sing live. neither can alot of people. 

the truth is that i rather be a failure than a lousy friend

the ringing of your laughter slices through his heart. 

being depressed makes u do stupid things. 

being very depressed makes you do nothing. 

i cant believe that my great great great grandfather owned everything from tiong bahru to fort canning to clifford pier to telok ayer to mcritchie, and 20million worth of property and land in malaca, has a road named after him, 

and my grandfather is left with nothing. boo :(

the truth is, its never real till its real, 

always have to be the odd one out. 

knowing neccesitates action, 

so i guess sometimes not knowing is the easier way out. 

not that i have a choice anymore. 

its not different, missing out or not. 

missing has in a way been the word to describe my life. 

so i guess nothing's changed. nothing does. 

and of course i'm not surprised. 

i've just got to act like i'm not affected. 

radiohead and absurd go so well together, i'm surprised there hasnt been a gazillion plays written already... 

i love the internet. 

yay, i'm gonna have a jersey that says bobthemob :D

oh no :(

argh. how does one contend with this madness? 

who shall speak for the people when their leader is dead? 

i wouldn do anything it takes to get what i want. 

i would even lie to you about the fact that i lied to everyone. 

i'm the cool brother all little sisters want to have.

she's the fucking annoying little sister all brothers hate to have but have to have.

there just isnt any come back to "but you're smart what..." 

ugly

dreams. 

my dreams have been starting up again. i've been having more 5-dreams-a-night nights recently. the situations and events have all been very real. ok not real, realistic is the right term, as opposed to non-realistic. my problem is with the progression of time. things happen chronoloically, but not in absolute time. one moment i'm chatting with a girl, the next we are holding hands walking off into the sunset, for (hypothetical) example. and as realistic as these dreams are, they still dont make sense. they dont tell me what i want, they dont show me what to do, they dont do anything other than confuse me. and i'm already confused enough as it is. 

i've lost the habit of recording my dreams, or at least the fragments that i remember. why? because it doesnt matter. no one cares. at least not right now. 

the best friends are not those that are there for you all the time, they are the ones that are there for you at the right times. 

no one is perfect. and yet no one is equal. life will never be fair. 

the best time you weed something out of someone is just before they sleep. of course, you cant be a boring lousy conversationalist, because u'll just put them to sleep. you must be interesting, so as to keep the conversation going, and hence stop the other person from falling asleep. it is likely the other person will spill the beans just to shut you up, cos if u've heard what you want to hear, you wont ask any more questions, and he/she can sleep in peace. 

hur hur. 

its probrably indicative, when the scar on my leg is taking too long to heal. 

LIFEHOUSE WAS AWESOME :))))))))))))

friend, you cant lie about the truth. 

when you're willing to give without wanting anything back, yes, you know you've changed. 

h=e=l=l=o world. 

i have a theory on why singapore and america work so well together. for any action, there must be the ability and the willingness to act. so says econs, somewhere. singaporeans have the ability but lack the will. look at the number of A students we have and the number of A people we have. americans have the will but lack the ability. look at the number of people they have in power and look at the number of stupid people they have in power. so if you add them together, you have both the willingness and ability to act. success! (jireh scoffed at me.)

on another note, i feel different today. maybe its the fatigue. maybe its change. maybe its nothing. the think i do know is that today's different. i actually feel like telling people stuff. i feel like being a selfish jerk and just spout nonsense until people tell me to piss off. 

interesting thought: must dinners have a point? is there such a thing as dinner for dinner's sake? i suspect not. everyone has a motive, everyone has an intention. it's what makes people interesting. i want dinner to have a point, even if there isnt. no that doesnt seem right. i want dinner, regardless of whether there is a point or not. we can figure that out later. 

ok i am feeling tired. its all catching up to me now. 

i'm excited about lifehouse!! 

and i dont really like itunes anymore. its giving me lots of problems, although i'm not sure if its the itunes or the laptop. i wish i could figure things out more easily, life would be so much happier... 

i dreamt last night that ixer totally scoffed at my IS. 

i dreamt alot last night, it involved alot of running, alot of people, and the desperate search for koropok. 

i ran so much last night it felt unreal. then again, it was unreal. 

hell yeah!!

as mr cook would say, BOO people with lots of money. 

its hot, its stifling, its irritating, its depressing. and its sapping my mind. 

its still sweet, you know. 

there's something about taking wedding vows that is so unlike human beings. i mean, it is the ultimate act of selflessness and self-sacrifice. and people just arnt like that. 

i totally forget. 

i like the quiet. one piano, one very big room, one holy place. its perfect. 

and i'd rather not judge. 

does everyone deserve to be happy? 

no one gets second chances. things never will be the same. 

i think its very important to have a good family. i think the lack of a good family has made me recognise this fact. i mean, life is always going to suck at some point, and i suppose its nice to have someone to always turn to. parents these days are perhaps too worried with developing the child that they forget to develop the family. its like economics. the government should always grow the economy, instead of just focusing on specific sectors. if certain sectors grow, total welfare may not. but if the economy grows, total welfare will. (simplistically speaking, of course) its nice to be able to come home with a smile on your face, and leave home with a smile still on your face. i dont think enough kids manage that. there's too much pressure to perform, to much pressure to excel. 

all this, from a family potrait. 

watch you choke, watch you choke,

watch you choke on all of your memories,

and finally keel over and die. 

feelings tell me nothing,

i've left the mail by the doorstep,

right next to the broken glasses of milk and kerosine. 

it is damn fucking hot. 

today i had the most amazing sensation. it was a combination of sheer fatigue and sheer joy and adrenaline. i cant really describe it. on one hand, the mind is so tired, but the body is calling out to move about and do shit. on the other hand, the limbs feel so weak, but the mind is saying "YEAH YEAH YEAH". the constant flux of this state of mind left me in a strange state. its like, its like going to punch wall, but midway time slows down and you hand suddenly gets so weak, it rapidly decelerates and you never actually end up punching the wall. i wanted to do so many crazy things, and so many crazy things wanted to do me. 

WOW. it was awesome. i've had an incredibly wonderful day. 

my fairytale:

its not all that bad. 

she likes people who can exist in her conception of the beautiful world. to her, there is nothing but endless bundles of hope, waiting for people to discover. the showers of blessing and joy will eventually come, no matter the draught that plagues us now. and she cant accept people like me. i destroy everything that means anything to her world. me, who don't believe that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. hell, i dont even believe in rainbows. me, who believes the only knights in shining armours are installation art pieces during Biennale. i cant take back everything i say, because it leaves me with nothing to say at all. she wont accept anything i say, because then she'd have nothing left at all. she must go on making out the world to be a better place, and i must continue ensuring that it isnt. 

i cant believe in fairytales. 

its amazing how when a rich person tries to give away money, it only ends up making her richer.

yes, i am talking about oprah's big give. 

i need to stop looking at expensive guitars and expensive bicycles. 

not quite as foolish as you :)

"kindofbeinginlovebutissadbecausehecan'tgetthewordsoutother"

while i was cycling home just now i saw a boy that couldnt be more than 12. 

he was smoking. 

and what can i say?

these are the tools of the trade.

wah. fuck. prelims are next week and i'm playing freaking need for speed. sigh. i dont feel remotely stressed. hell, i dont really fell anything at all. i wonder which is scarier.

i can say that i have failed.
and then i can say i have failed without trying.

house is awesome.

watching sky captain gave me a very interesting thought. in the show the reporter has one shot on her camera left, and she's involved in well, the greatest change on earth yet. so my thought was this, what would someone do? or rather, what's the best choice to make? take the shot of something significant, or wait for something even better to turn up? i suspect there's a lot of game theory stuff going on here, what with potential benefits and everything. but it is a very interesting proposition.

i just wrote a song and i swear it is awesome. (it is still without lyrics though)

would you rather smile outside and hurt inside,
or hurt outside and smile inside?

what does it say about me, that when people smile at me and wave happily, i dont know how to reply?

i think i should blog more. it might help with my thought processes. assuming i dont get distracted, which i invariably will. its only in my nature that i do. let us question then, the nature of Man. can our characters be formed, or are they already present and there for us to discover? can we apply a formalist vs platonistic approach?

due to my distraction, i will further compound my problem by deviating to a seperate issue, which is my need to security. everyone needs security in something, and i am no different. some people seek security in having secrets, in knowledge, some people find security in scerwing with others etc. what is my security? its easy to find security in material wants. actually, i think its easy to find security in many things. but being secure is not enough. its just like how being valid isnt as good as being sound. i want to be sound in my security, i want to be happy. everyone wants to be happy, at least that's what i believe. even someone like house. maybe he deals with his inability to be happy by trying to make other's miserable, and hence compounding his own misery. it is a vicious cycle.

i cant be happy. i'm no ready to be happy yet. its easier for some people to be happy than others. and i envy those people. being happy is being free from the shackles of one's own mind. being happy lets me sleep easy. i knew what that was like before. but i havent slept easy in a long time. last night was especially bad. i started asking myself questions i shouldnt ask, the same way didi asks questions he shouldnt ask. the problem is that there is no one to be my gogo. i have to be my own gogo.

i have to be my own gogo.

you have no idea how happy you make me feel.
every time you smile, i can pretend like its almost real.

i'm looking down, heading for a greater fall.

life before today:

labels stick.

maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.


(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

i cannot stand it. i was poetic once before. and look at me now.

have you suffered the depths of sadness,
so you can rise up once more?
have you boiled in your own pain,
to shed your old skin?
have you slept with a broken hard,
and wake up crying in the dark?
have you ran till you dropped,
hurt your knees and puked alot?

this has left me so drained and defeated,
so much so that i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant say i dont care, i still do,
but something just isnt like it was before.

i honestly dont know what to do with myself right now. i'm in a really deep shithole, and i cant seem to get myself out of it. you know, its not always been this way. i think for very long i've been in a funk of sorts. now all these shitty emotions and feelings are coming back to destroy me again. it happened once before and its happening again. i can feel it, and i dont know how i can stop it. sometimes, i'm just lost for words. i honestly dont know what to say, because i know that whatever i say is the wrong thing to say. so i'm better off not saying anything at all. but this is the worst choice to make, much like bosola. i think that's the importance of choice. its not about having choice, its about making choices, and dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. having choices but not making a choice at all is the stupidest thing to do, because it leaves you with nothing. it leads you nowhere. it is an endless cycle of despair.

i cant make choices. i thought i could, i thought i can now, but some part of me is still telling me i cant. that's what makes me weak. its the reason i can admire people even if i dont like them or approve of what they do. at least they have made their choice, and are standing by those choices, or dealing with those choices.

i feel very left out of life right now.

i cant even think right now. my mind is just, i dunno, destroying itself. committing mental suicide. i feel like a shadow of the person i thought i was. i feel like telling descarte to take his philosophy and shove it up his fucking ass right now. i think therefore i am. i dont think, therefore i am not. i think i am in despair, therefore i am in despair. fuck descartes. (for all i know i might be mistaken, it might not have been descartes after all. but i think its him)

i am not feeling angry. i am not even feeling sad. i'm feeling something i dont want to admit i'm feeling. yes.

the paradox is as follows:

A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one day in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.

Having reflected on his sentence, the prisoner draws the conclusion that he will escape from the hanging. His reasoning is in several parts. He begins by concluding that if the hanging were on Friday then it would not be a surprise, since he would know by Thursday night that he was to be hanged the following day, as it would be the only day left (in that week). Since the judge's sentence stipulated that the hanging would be a surprise to him, he concludes it cannot occur on Friday.

He then reasons that the hanging cannot be on Thursday either, because that day would also not be a surprise. On Wednesday night he would know that, with two days left (one of which he already knows cannot be execution day), the hanging should be expected on the following day.

By similar reasoning he concludes that the hanging can also not occur on Wednesday, Tuesday or Monday. Joyfully he retires to his cell confident that the hanging will not occur at all.

The next week, the executioner knocks on the prisoner's door at noon on Wednesday — an utter surprise to him. Everything the judge said has come true.

my reasoning is this: assuming that the prisoner has reasoned out that he cannot be hanged, him being hanged on any given day would be a surprise. it might then be argued that the purpose of judge telling the prisoner that his hanging day would be a mystery is to induce this false sense of safety in the prisoner, so as to justify the hanging being a surprise. if the prisoner is paranoid, he would think that every day might be the day he dies, then there wouldnt be any surprise anymore. hence i would argue that the purpose of the judge telling the prisoner it would be a surprise is to heighten his expectation of reprieve and hence increase the level of surprise when he eventually is hanged. this follows from the knowledge that the prisoner is damned and there is no way the hanging will not take place. in other words, the prisoner has come to a false conclusion that contradicts prior knowledge of the fact that he is condemned to be hanged.

which means he is an idiot.

last night i had a very nice dream.

this morning, i had a very brilliant thought.

right now, i'm in a whole load of shit.

stranded on this runaway train...

i guess every once in awhile, i have those moments, where nothing seems right. everything suddenly becomes that much more bleak, that much more meaningless.

i think i'm comfortable in the knowledge that my mind is whirring. i'm comfortable in the knowledge of knowledge, if you like. but i guess its not really knowledge, more like musings and thoughts. i much rather myself be thinking about 5 things at once than nothing at all. the worst of all would be to think of one thing and only one thing. that leaves me depressed.

best of all is to remove all thinking. that's what computer games are for.

warnings. warnings.

i have failed to understand myself. i think we're all losing sight of what really matters. there is a need to look beyond the talk. everyone talks, everyone can fill the air with sounds, pretending like it all means something.

nothing makes me special. i guess i cant accept people being different from how i perceive people should be. i think everyone has expectations of the world, of how it should behave, of how things should be. but there's no way all those expectations can be met. what gives me the right to judge people? there is a balance in life after all. for everything that i do not say, someone else will be talking away, signifying nothing. some people just have to talk. for every patient person there must be someone high-strung. for every sensitive person there must be someone with no tact. life is fair after all, i guess. so i shall not complain that life in unfair. i think its funny how i can always rationalise my emotional state of mind, in something greater than myself. it absolves me of the need to feel, the need to involve myself in the things i do. its time for something more, even if i cant do it. its time for change. its time for chance. and maybe hope. possibly happiness. definitely, a better tomorrow.

today i met two narrow-minded ah bengs.

me, sits at bus stop.
me bicycle is placed to the side of bus stop, about 2 metres away.
ah bengs stand about a metre away from me.
ah bengs are stupid.
ah bengs look at bike.
ah beng 1 to ah beng 2: "woh. who's bike is that. mutter mutter mutter"
ah beng 2: "i dunno. but eh, can take the brakes ah. (i didnt catch the rest of their convo)
me stands up and goes to bike.
ah bengs O_O

my dreams are bothering me too much. i suspect to a point i'm left with nothing else.

this morning i had an extremely traumatic experience. i was lying in bed, having quite a bad dream. i woke up suddenly, and my sister runs across my room door singing 'WE ARE SINGAPORE, WE ARE SINGAPORE..." at the top of her voice.

i understand now, i dont have nightmares. i just have bad dreams. and in all honesty, they are significantly worse and more painful than nightmares.

i went back to sleep, and had more bad dreams.

and i'm counting down the days.

you know there i'm slowly dying inside,
every moment she's not here preying on my mind.

i lost all madness chasing after you.
it was never a gift for two.

and he said: "i lied."

hello.

this is the time where everyone starts thinking about life after jc, about uni, about ns and everything. it does scare me. i need to clear my life out, and start all over. start to think. i havent been thinking alot lately. surprisingly, i've been feeling alot. now its time to think. the matrix helped. it helped me get back into a groove of sorts. but still its not enough. watching a movie wont gift me 2 years of econs. i dont feel the pressure yet, and when i dont feel the pressure i wont ush myself. suddenly everything is coming back to get me. all those fears, all those insecurities, they are all threatening to overwhelm me.

sigh. i dont feel quite as smart anymore. my brain just refuses to work. i'm constantly tired. and this is no time for any more excuses. there can be no more excuses. excuses wont get me my As. i fear i am looking too far ahead. i'm already looking forward to ns, to uni, and i mean, i havent even started worrying about A levels.

i need to start making lists again. tom i shall make lists. i shall make many many many lists. i shall list everything i want, everything i could have, everything i dont want, everything. i shall make lists. many lists. one list to rule them all.

life, the contradiction i rather do without.

its easy to get lost, especially since i was blind and never wanted to say goodbye.

so i ask myself over and over again,
how often more will i suffer my own shame?
its irrational, its intentional,
ultimately, its my fault, my blame.
i'm a pinball, taking my time to slowly fall.

there's nothing like a slow night to destroy the silence.

its over. dats all there is to it. the pain will hit me some time later.

post 800:

it hurts. 2 years, and it comes down to bad refereeing. i'm not sure how much more we could do. we gave it everything, but it seems it really isnt meant to be. we fought and we fought and we fought. it just came down to horrible refereeing, and one mistake. how sad, that two years it just comes down to that.

on hindsight, this may be the match we found ourselves. this was the match we prove to ourselves we could be the best. this was the match of missed chances. but right now, i'm just hurting.

THIS IS IT.

2 more posts after this and i hit 800.

so i'm feeling weird. its not really sadness. its a mix of regret, disappointment and frustration. we need new words for such complex emotions.

life is very different, although i'm not sure everyone sees it. sometimes, i am too quick to judge. in my mind, judgement is everything. its not a negative nor positive thing. it is neccessary, and it happens. it establishes a relationship that otherwise would be farcical.

what's worse? having friends and feeling lonely, or not having friends and feeling lonely?

how long can i pretend that its not there.

i am going to sleep in 15 mins. in the mean time, i shall pretend to be interesting. HELLO!!! hahahahahahahahaha. i am like, so totally interesting right. i want to be king, i want to be king, i want to be king! burger king burger king burger king!

like, TOTALLY.

so yes, i admit it might be a little wrong, but isnt everyone entitled to think out of the box once in awhile? so yesterday, i thought outside of the box. i stayed up till 2am playing a stupid computer game. how out of the box is that! in this age of non-conformity, sometimes thinking outside of the box is the stupidest thing a person could do.

crazy, but absolutely lovely...

OMG DIABLO III

i dont want to complain again. i should stop complaining all the time, and do something about the pain.

its everywhere. it really is everywhere. and somehow, it almost seems too easy. it cant be. or maybe i'm just not simple enough.

a dead rose is an interesting sight.

quietly, she stood there, waiting for a sign. it was pouring now. the skies have changed, the drains were flooding, but inside her it remained still. she could wait.

staring from a distance its easy to judge, the silly little girl standing in the rain, refusing to budge.

yes, she had her umbrella, we all do. it was yellow in colour, but it hardly kept her dry. but still she persisted, still she waited. for she had to, for she wanted to.

its like telling a story. it always is. we search for fairytale endings to escape this misery, endings that give us hope. endings that matter to us. endings are important. they give us reason to press on with the story, to deal with the twists and turns and to never give up.

so maybe this is the story i'm trying to tell, even if no one will listen. we all have stories. some have fairytale endings, others dont. not everyone is lucky enough to make it all the time. but we all have stories. we're made up of stories. stories to cover up our mistakes, stories to glorify our achievements.

honestly, what can i do? i'm helpless.

how does my story end? i'd like to think it hasnt yet begun, but it has. and therefore it must go on. its a horrible feeling, having to feel so empty inside, knowing that there is a hole to patch. i miss those times. now, everything feels so second-hand, so used, so done. it is my fault, i know. so many things always is. and i'll regret it always. knowledge like these can kill. it slowly eats away at my mind, and before i know it, i'm head over heels in this shit.

i tell stories, to make myself feel better. i tell stories because stories let me pretend. telling stories lets the mind wander away from this rather desolate location. and so i will tell stories.

i've got no more lies for you, no more mistakes, no more maybes, no more chances.

i dont wish i could forget. forgetting means i have to give up the happiness that i did once have. i dont want to forget and just have just another face in the crowd.

and suddenly, it just seems like its all about me. just count the number of Is and mes. but we all know, its never really about me.

for all the good that technology is worth, it has but one great downfall: LAG. i hate lag. i fucking hate lag so bad i want to murder someone everytime it happens. i am not a patient person. not when it comes to this. i can wait for great things. i can wait for the world to end, i can wait for the sky to fall, i can wait for muse to come to spore again, BUT I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY PAGE TO LOAD. it is freaking annoying having to press f5 10 times before the page starts to slowwwwwwly load. UGH.

so screw technology. when the laptop motherboard dies, when the desktop internet lags, when the sister hogs the only good piece of technology left in the house, I SAW SCREW TECHNOLOGY.

i need to deep think. i have a ki assignment to do, which i dont really feel like doing anymore. it'll prob only take me 15 mins, but still, its not as exciting as i thought it would be. i know what i shall do. i shall REFLECT. (why am i using so many caps today?!? and i am reaaaaaaly annoyed with the desktop. words cannot describe just how frustrated and angry i am right now. but i shall try anyway. my arms are tensed up, ready to hit something. my neck feels tense. my chest is slightly tight, and there is a great feeling of repressed violence in me right now. right now, i want to punch my sister into pulp. it is too much anger. stop.)

deep thought. deeeeeeeep thought. *thinks* i think i might have lost my ability to deep think. right now, i suspect i can only deep talk, but i cant deep think. this does not bode well for my future.

its really over.

it hasnt really sunk in yet. right now, things still feel kinda normal. i suspect its cos i havent actually stepped back into 24. tomorrow will be difficult. i know it will. going to school, realising that i dont have to spend hours in 24 again, realising that yes, i actually do have lessons to go for. realising that i can have a life again. realising that life does go on. and realising that it really REALLY is over.

am i sad? sad am i? i am sad? not yet. it hit me a little last night, while i was bumping out my stuff from day. for a moment, just sitting there alone surrounded by wires, silence and the cold of day, it did feel like the end. i felt a strange feeling of calmness, and it was nice. nice, but foreign at the same time. i dont think anyone really realises its over until it really is over. den it just suddenly hits you like a train. i think in the next week or so all the 'what ifs' and all the 'if onlys' will begin, but till then, i am relishing the moment.

yesterday was great. some parts kinda sucked. sam getting injured, my piece being shit, my groups being all random and weird, but overall it was good. i think the most important thing was the feeling of closure. it really did feel like it ended. someone put it very aptly, it was like our investiture. and it was a good way to end. the timing was right now, just after exams, just before everyone gets back to their normal lives. no need to revisit the past, no need to fear the future.

there is a strange contradiction to how i feel. on one hand, there is an extremely great feeling of relief, and yet on the other hand there is a whole lot of sadness. i'm very glad its all over, but of course some part of me wishes it never ends. as usual i am being longwinded again, as i always am, but wad the hell. lets try summing everything up in as little words as possible...

its really over.

if you ask me now, i can honestly tell you, it feels incredible...

its 2 days before groups, 3 days before IS, and i'm not that scared yet. this is scary. tonight, i know i am going to be so damn fucking freaked out. its not quite dawned on me the magnitude of this.

OH GOD.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

really, muse is awesome. i want to be matt bellamy. i wish i was as cool and interesting as him. (not to mention musically gifted) unintended must lyrically be one of the best songs written ever. the beauty of it lies in its simplicity i guess, and its so much more apparent as compared to the complexity of other muse songs. today one advert (for sarah connor chronicles) used paranoid android, i was like wah? since when channel 5 learn to use cool music?

i'm so tired, so much so i cant think anymore. i just want to run away.

its all deserting me now. somehow, i think it always does. as it gets closer and closer, i move further and further from where i want to be. i've forgotten the chance to be me.

as shu puts it quite aptly, life is bleak.

it is sometimes possible to be just about satisfied...

i forgot i forgot i forgot what i wanted to say.
questions, questioning this endless array.
fight, even when the battles are far too long.
fight, because thats your one chance to break away.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(ideology)

i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.

its easy to be lively when you are happy.

people arnt good or bad by nature. however, i think there is such a thing as nice people by nature. its not easy, its not common. but it happens occasionally. you just cant become nice, like really become nice. yes, you can pretend to be nice, but i think its like what jireh said in slots yesterday. your relationship with other people the the product of your relationship with yourself. if you arnt naturally a nice person, how can you be nice to others? yes, of course its possible to pretend. we all do. its sometimes the only thing we can do. but there's no hiding the fact that often beneath all those pictures, we share a similar core that isnt nice at all.

i want a prs i want a prs i want a prs :(

you stupid spineless slug. why do you even bother? yes i do understand that you cant explain.

my condo is having a poolside screening of enchanted right now, its horrible. but i must justify myself, lest people condemn me for being narrow-minded and what not. enchanted is imo, a BAD show. but its my own opinion. its polluting the minds of our youth! its not that its like, badly written. its just overly cheesy and idealistic and utopian and perfect and beautiful, when lets face it, life is nothing like that. its not that i disagree with fairytales. i agree with fairytales fully, i think everyone needs some kind of fairytale dream. its hope. but well, i really cant accept the kind of fairytale presented in movies like enchanted. i know yesss, it sells. yesss, its nice to watch (for some people), yessss girls will all go awwwww. but seriously? ok lah, i know its just me being me and trying to assert my opinion on others which i should not do, but its something i feel strongly about. i cant hate people for liking enchanted. i dont, i really dont. i dont know who will actually believe me, but that's my stand. i just well, dont see things quite as being quite as rosy. i still want my fairytale. i just hope it doesnt involve falling through manholes or fighting dragons...

shattered? hee....

tired tired tired tired tired

i've had several westlife songs stuck in my head today. it is downright disgusting.

i might be the only one who thinks i can be a nice person.

today i bought new swimming trunks, and went for a swim.

there is nothing, my dear,
quite like the relief that is near.

sigh. hello once more, its nice to see you again.

you'll never quite understand what it's like, going to sleep feeling terrible, and waking up feeling just as bad. its unpleasant. its bad sleep. you dont have to dream about suicide, of course not. you dont have interrupted dreams of people you dont know. you dont dream about a past that never happened, a future that you desire so bad. you dont have to wake up at 5am, feeling thoroughly unrested, and having yet another queer dream between 5-7. no, you dont have to suffer. no, you dont have to be weird.

but its nice, you know. its nice being you, sometimes. people dont bother as much, people dont seem to want to care too much. and i'm fine with that.

i do wish i had a reason. i do wish i had an explanation. but all i have for you are excuses, my friend. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of making all these excuses, because i know i am putting off the inevitable. i thought about it last night, before i went to sleep. if i had a time machine and only one chance, what would i do? would i be selfish enough to take myself back in time and change what has happened? would i be naive enough to think that i can do what i couldnt? would i be brave enough to change? i asked myself, and then i will ask you. could you do the same? its nothing like a sacrifice. sacrifices have a point. sometimes, we dont need a point. some things need no explanation, some things are better off left without reason.

i dont get you. of course i dont. you hide better than i lie.

as always, i have written a song for you.

silly little me, always forgetting i've got no voice to put lyrics in.

goodbye. until next time, my friend. i will always remember you.

bring it on is the epitome of american stupidity. there is nothing like it.

"and like, my boyfriends the quarterback, and i'm a cheerleader!!"