To write a song

hopelessly I'll love you endlessly


its so easy, and yet so hard

Use Somebody

i think to tell the truth the week has been fairly interesting, although nothing significant actually happened. i wondered about many things, i thought about what it means to be me, and still i have no conclusions.

i have to get away from games. its too easy, and too meaningless. i got to make my time worth something, if that's the only thing i do.

chirpy chippy chop

heh, changed the url. same old retarded person posting the same old retarded things to.

i feel happier already.

hey, i'm doing ok.

i understand something now. i miss msn. i miss the security and neutrality it offers. its so easy to say something or do something, because you dont have to deal with immediate judgement and response.

fine fine, i'm a coward.

Smart, but

between a couple of stones and a wall of rock,

we talk so much we're bound to rot.

its been a long week. its been more frustrating than i would have liked it to be. right now i'm just wondering how long more till i can figure this out.

if i am the moon, then you are the sun. and all that stands between us is the world. together we are an eclipse. what bullshit.

identity is a curious thing. i've kinda figured, one's identity is a social construct, a defense mechanism when around strangers. i mean when you're around friends, close friends, this whole "identity" rubbish tends to just fade away. because lets face it its about what we make of ourselves as much as what others make of us. and when neither matters, then identity ceases to exist. i believe one only really needs an identity when venturing out into the unknown, entering the abyss that is society. its terrifying to an extent.

so i've been trying to figure out my identity, to very generally put it. its not about figuring out who i am. its figuring out who people perceive me to be. cos i've concluded the person i think i am is vastly different from the person people think i am. i think i'm boring. and yet people can come up with such interesting stories, i myself am rather shocked. its always a case of "i did that??", or "i could do that??". there's a lot of differences here i need to try to reconcile, if not i'm going to forever be living in the shadow of a person i'm not.

who wants everything?

we'll fall in line, pay for our crimes,

looting the lives of those left behind.

blessing, or curse?

once more it has happened. i open my safari browser, surf all the usual websites, read my email, think about whether to pre-order the resistance, slack around, bop my head to some awesome itunes music, check to make sure my game is downloading, blog surf, think about what other sites i havent yet visited, then conclude that i've done all the necessary internet surfing there is to do. now to just read and reply my emails.

and then i realise, i haven't gone to facebook.

Little Expectation

i realise i'm always wanting the things i cannot get. its perpetual disappointment contained in a hat.

for tomorrow

i think a blog still means something. in this day and age of facebook, twitter and god knows what's next, having a blog aint quite the same thing as before. and yet i still find it my favourite medium in which to record, anchor and sometimes communicate my thoughts. with facebook and twitter, its all about being in the moment, living for no space and time. there isnt any thought to that, no meaning. must everything have a meaning? i suppose not, but for me perhaps. i cant stand, or rather a cannot accept provisional living. i'd feel lost.

so i've decided, i will put in more effort to maintain this blog after all. i need to keep my mind moving, and not get sucked further into the dumbing-bin that is the army. help me please.

dont give up on Hope

the youth of today are steadily fading away. we are forgetting why we're here. we're too caught up in the pursuit of achievement and success, we forgot that time is and will always be short.

now we still have the chance to dream. now we still have the chance to believe in the impossible. now we still have the chance to take chances.

soon it'll all be over. very soon we'll be sucked into the relentless cycle of adulthood, the abyss we shall never escape.

the youth are dying. the youth are always dying.

missing the cool randomness of teenage freedom

there was a time when nothing really mattered.

there was a time when one's every action wasn't being monitored.

there was a time when freedom actually still meant something.

its different now. and it will be, for another 17 months or so. that's the reality i've come to hate, and yet the reality i am forced to accept.

its not a choice. that's the only comfort i have.

lets not take things for granted shall we?

poor kelly

troubadour says: (9:43:37 PM)

i walked past this BUSH, this MOOING BUSH

roubadour says: (9:43:46 PM)

it was MOOING like a HERD OF COWS

bobthemob says: (9:43:48 PM)

you what??

troubadour says: (9:43:59 PM)

i swear! like pigs oinking and cows mooing

troubadour says: (9:44:02 PM)

IT WAS TERRIFYING

1000th post

transformers spoilers ahead, please do not be afraid.

transformers is like godot - nothing happens. lets face it, the show is all about supermassive explosions, cool robots and megan fox. the storyline, if you actually call it a storyline, is entirely ciruclar and pointless. optimus dies, optimus is revived. funky massive evil dude rises once more, funky massive evil dude dies. megatron comes back, megatron leaves. hero boy dies, hero boy comes back alive. nothing changes from the start of the movie! it ends exactly the way it ended, albeit a ton of US troops are dead (oh come on dont pretend anyone actually cares...). the movie should be retitled transformers: rise of godot. becket would be proud.

master

life happens in many unrepeatable phases.

the existential search for a sense of belonging

i'm still trying to figure out this whole fitting in a system thing.

yeah, it doesnt work, i know.

Showering Hypothesis

i have had my revelation on why i think so much and have so many brainwaves while showering. its the mind-body divide. having showered the exact same way for 19 yrs (more or less), its become muscle memory. so the mind doesnt have to think about what the body is doing. this allows the mind to wander, and therefore to wonder. and so all kinds of things come to mind. and yet why cant i commit anything to memory once i'm done showering? because the mind-body divide is lost. stepping out of the toilet, the mind must now control the body. there is no more routine, no more same old procedure. and so the mind is lost, lost controling the rampaging body. 

the world will keep changing, but showering always remains the same. 

for it will forever define my days

Bliss

pure pure pure pure amazing

Thoughts

so many things have been running through my head recently. 

today it was religion. 

today it was emotions.

today it was love. 

today it was death. 

today it was value. 

today it was pride. 

yesterday it was leadership.

yesterday it was purpose.

yesterday it was history. 

yesterday it was memory. 

tomorrow it will be book in. 

power is forever

1984 is beyond amazing. 

i've learnt many things. many things that matter, many things that will make a difference. 

its never being honest. it never was, never will be. but it used to be so scary. i dont like using "i" and "me" a lot, its like holding up a mirror against oneself. sometimes you dont need that scary image staring back at you. sometimes all you want is a photo frame, all you want is a picture of ignorant bliss staring back at you. 

its been a tough time. i dont think i've really realised how good life has been to me. oh come on, who am i kidding?

i wonder if at some point this blog will no longer be relevant to me. i have a journal for army, i have a journal for myself, and i have a journal for myself. what purpose then does this blog serve? there's nothing i want or need to say, and no one really reads so there's no point. i'm not interesting. i dont write well. i dont want to chronicle every passing moment of my day. i have facebook for that, and facebook's stupid. 

i keep getting distracted. its rather annoying how my thoughts are always fragmented and incomplete. it makes me look stupid. i know image doesnt matter, but it does. 

really, i keep pondering whether i still need this blog. someone tell me. 

Dying

"Without music life would be a mistake"

there's too many things i need and want to say. but i guess i no longer need to broadcast discreetly stuff anymore. i can actually feel comfortable talking about things honestly. which you may find a tad unbelievable. 

i'm sorry, but army is making me go crazy. 

into the vortex

sigh

Dream Police

its not that i've forgotten it, or what it meant to me. 

rather, i've stopped having it mean everything to me. 

Pictures

its scary just how little i remember of when i was young. young as in before primary school kind of young. i'm looking through all these photos of when i was like 5, and i honestly remember so little... is it because it was never anything significant, or do i just have a really bad memory? there was nothing incredibly memorable i guess. i never broke any bones, i was never dropped on my head, nothing of the sort. i guess i was just like any other kid. normal. 

ok so blogging semi-hiatus to finish putting photos in the album and watch the new episode of house. 

sometimes i ask myself, what can i be proud of? i dont think i've ever done anything that i can feel really proud of. i dont organise charity events, i dont go around helping people, hell often i dont give a crap about anything other than myself. and i guess some part of me does feel rather ashamed. especially when i see people around me doing so much for other people. this is my mystery of humanity. we are all so different, even when we are supposed to be the same. we chase seperate dreams, we honour contradicting beliefs, only to prove we are different. i want something to be proud of. no, i need something to be proud of. i need something that, looking back 20 years down the road, i can remember 2009 with. 

i'm glad to have bothered to put photos in a photo album. it may not seem like much, but its a rather big deal for me. i never used to do these kinds of things. its scary. 2009 has been a very weird year for me. break out? life-changing? stupid? i've yet to experience enough to properly label year 2009. every year has a label, every year means something. so far, 2009 means a lot of things. i only need it to mean one thing. and that's hard. 

its very easy, feeling this small. 

because everyone needs schedules they cant follow

Routine Order for Monday, 150309

CDC - Pte Desmond Chan

0930 - Reveille

0945 - Fall in for 0BX

0950 - Breakfast

1000 - Self Admin

1200 - Lunch

1300 - Area Cleaning

1730 - Stand By Area

1800 - Prep to move out for dinner

2000 - Area Cleaning

2200 - Commence Internet Surfing 

0200 - Lights out

Safety message of the day:

Dont be stupid.

Hygiene message of the day:

Dont be stupid. 

Romeo and Juliet

http://www.gatecrash.com.sg/?page=event_detail&actionForm=detail&eventID=571

for whoever may be interested. 

The Chronicles of Desmond

occassionally, i live my life in film. its like taking a camera and looking in onto my life. its a queer feeling. i dont feel like my life is scripted, but i do often wonder what it would be like if it actually was. would i be interesting? would i have dramatic potential? would i sell?

then of course, the director yells cut, reality sets in, i dont move on, and life carries on. 

because there's time for everyone, even if time shall wait for no one

truth is, i'm happier now. its hard to admit it, but i think i am. i've got less to worry about, i've got significantly less to care about now. i'm so far away from everything. the disconnect has done me some good, even if it hasnt always been very pleasant. now i've got 10 odd days to reconnect with the world around me. i'm doing everything i can. of course i'm not perfect, and of course i cant make everyone happy, even if i may want to. 

but i'm changing. and i know it. i somehow feel that i have now a greater sense of morality, which is somewhat weird. do i like the newer me? i dont know, i dont think the newer me has really been tested yet. 

the past 2 house episodes have been very thought provoking. issues such as persona's, social contracts and all, these are after all facets of the human condition. and i think that's why house appeals so much to me. or rather it used to, and has now again found the old house glory. just like house, there's no real need for emotional drama and all. take that all away, and what you have a dissertation about the human condition. and that will always be fascinating. people will always be fascinating. 

no reason

my blog is so boring. 

ok ok update update. POP was awesome. well not that it really was, but rather the feeling of passing out was fantastic. i guess the end always feels good, cos you know you are now going to have stuff to look back on. of course some part of me misses it all. 

this block leave i think is coming at just the right time. i miss being me, i miss doing all the things i used to like to do. army has changed me, whether for better or for worse. 

this is such a loser-ish update. tsk. talk to me lah, i'm so much more interesting than my blog. 

A levels?

right grades, wrong subjects. but it doesnt matter. 

Dear God

oh dear. so many things are changing, i'm afraid i wont recognise things anymore. 

the appearance of the tick scares me. what happened to the glorious three stripes??? have we now given in to the enemy! condemnation be to the pok! 

its the things that you want to but are too scared to say that matter the most. 

living in circles

and he was just like any other guy. 

he could do things no better, and no worse. 

he had dreams of the impossible,

but reality was some harsh place. 

the memory plagued his existence,

more than the scars on his face. 

he was alone,

just as he has always been. 

he is incurably idealistic:

wanting to change the world,

wanting to fall in love,

hoping things will eventually be okay. 

but everything will not be alright.

life is merciless - we fall over and over again,

only so that life can laugh at us all the time.

but in that mockery we must find comfort - 

as long as we dont laugh at ourselves,

there is hope yet.

hope for a little redemption,

a little respite to quell the frightened minds. 

he was just a face in the crowd. 

for awhile, he had a name.

but one in a million is all he's got, 

the only chance at a life he would never else know. 

catching the last train

tiredness makes my brain go a little out of shape. i stop thinking properly, and things just come out strange. and i become even more forgetful... 

there are so many things i wish to say,

but there's just too little time for everyone. 

recently i've had more time to think about everything that has happened in the last 4 months. a ton of stuff happened, but army kinda robbed me of time to think about it properly and to just sort myself out. but ever since training started easing up, i've found the time to reflect properly. i'm making up for lost time. (somehow, i always feel that that is the case. there's never enough time, and yet there's so much to do.) 

its been a tiring weekend. a long long week too. its a little scary, imagining the fact that for two years i'm going to spend many weekends totally exhausted. the break away from life as i knew it, the gap that has been created, it never closes. 

i miss talking to people who understand. now, i dont expect anyone to. some part of me rather them not to. but i miss my friends. they mean the world to me. its scary thinking back to my ip days and how i thought i could survive withouts friends. i was so naive. but i think i've grown up a lot more now. 

i want to think i've become a better person, but i'm not sure i have. 

over the hump

an emotional mind makes irrational decisions. 

i think i'm over that. 

imagining the pain

come come now, follow the light. 

bury the body and free my sight. 

the past 2 weekends have been so short. but i wont complain, because i cant. i've learnt my lesson. 

who knows what's worth it anymore? 

the tough part is having to learn about yourself. critically re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself is a painful process, and it only comes with having time on your side. time seemingly exists on two different plains, the tekong plain and the mainland plain. on tekong time seems to stretch on forever, and yet back here on the mainland time passes in an instant. back to my point, which is that i've taken to figuring out myself better. i thought i had myself figured out, and in some ways i do. but i'm still learning more about myself. its not always about looking ahead and thinking about the present and future. sometimes it matters more to consider the present in relation to the past and see how the past may manifest itself in the future. 

ok am off to watch house, because it makes life worthwile. 

only when you're lonely

yes, it sucks big time. but what can i do? i guess its reached the point of resignation, and i just have to accept whatever that comes. there is nothing i can do to change things anyhow. 

we can always wish for so much more than we have. 

right now i'm just trying to get by. truth is, i hate bmt. i dont feel like i belong here. i dont know where i belong, but it isnt here. i just want it over as soon as possible. 

things are slowing down, even as they speed up. i think i'm slowly realising just how tough life can be away from the things that matter. i'm over the initial shock and everything. now its really just trying to deal with it. 

who knows when i'll be done complaining? 

right now i'm just so tired. and there is really no let up. i really wonder how i'm going to spend those 12 days of block leave. there's always so much more to do than the time i have. and i've been spending way too much. so much for keeping to my resolution of going out as little as possible. i've been going out every single weekend. i guess it may be time to start being a little more loner and just stay at home. but there's not much to do at home. and its lonely being at home. but then again, it can be lonely everywhere. 

things are starting to look up. even from my clothes i think i sense a change. there's now more colour, more variety, less worry. things arnt neccessarily simpler, but they are proving to be a little easier. no more guessing, in a way no more worrying even. there's nothing to think about, being on tekong. the brain stops. i hate it. 

i'm not sure i'll ever be used to a life like that. i need my freedom, i need my control. i could give up other things in exchange for some control over my own life, my own freedom. sadly there isnt a trade-off to be made. 

and everything still remains the same, even as we carry on into the sunset. 

so long and always so far

the problem is that i just dont have enough time to organise my thoughts and sort myself out. every weekend has been so rushed, its almost like army out of army. i still have timings to meet, i still have schedules, i still have to rush here and there, is there to be no reprieve? no, i dont think so. not for another 1 year and 10 months. 

25 random things, because i feel the need to blog something. 

1. a12 saved my life. i've spent the whole of today thinking about this, and there's no other way around it. a12 saved my life, rescued me from the shit i was turning into. 

2. i am extremely materialistic, but lack the financial capacity to actually be so. which leaves me in a very difficult position of wanting many things but actually possessing very little. which in turn leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction. 

3. i lie to myself a lot. often when i do so, i tell myself its alright, because i'm doing what's best for me and for whoever else may be involved. but even that may be a lie. its some part self-delusion, its some part an attempt at being happy, its some part escapism. but when you add it all up, its still nothing more than many lies parading to be half-truths, which ultimately count for nothing very much. 

4. i dont think people understand me. but i also dont think i'm as complicated as people may think i am. maybe its a fear of being normal. i guess i'm to blame, for trying to appear more complex than i may actually be. but then again, sometimes i dont understand myself either. 

5. i'm not a fan of personality assessments (such as 16p, eqi etc). i dont like how they objectively classify you. it is too simple, too brutally honest. 

6. unlike xtine, i think jc was the best thing that has happened to me. vip could possibly be at the same time be the worst and best thing, because it helped make my jc life the joy that it was. i think i can quite honestly say vip destroyed me in many ways, and jc rescued me. 

7. i think i'm in some kind of regressing phase in my life. i've recently taken to things symbolic of earlier periods of my life. take the mario fascination. who knows, maybe growing up neccessarily requires a period of regress, to look back at past facets of your life and better understand who you are and ultimately who you want to become. i believe the past shapes who you are in more ways than we care to want to believe. 

8. i have yet to form my opinion on life. so far i've been holding various opinions that arnt mine specifically, but rather variations of opinions that i've heard from different places. i believe everyone needs their Opinion On Life. their own OOL. but it takes time. of course it does. 

9. i'm happier now. no doubt. 

10. i've grown up a lot i think. i just havent had the time to determine just how much "a lot" is. 

11. uni will be the time i decide if i pursue music or not. there is no time before neither is there time after. 

12. army has been inculcating habits into me, such as wearing a watch, always rushing etc. irritating, really. 

13. i'm still afraid of labels, even now. and though i know its an inescapable reality, i still hate it. i guess that's why i keep trying to run away from them. but it seems they have a habit of chasing after me. and so the cat and mouse game goes on forever. 

14. i am still so selfish. everythings about me me me. i dont naturally and instinctively put other before myself. yes, i can do it, but its a conscious effort. my first instinct is still always self-preservation. which makes me selfish. 

15. i think i'm too demanding. i demand a lot of myself at times, i demand a lot of others, hell i demand a lot of life. its not fair. 

16. i always tend to think in terms of fair and not fair, and then dismissing them as pointless classifications because life isnt fair. life doesnt operate on a scale of 1 to 2. 

17. i need to better express my gratitude for people. 

18. i definitely inherited a lot of my dad's genes. i recognise and acknowledge that. now the difficult part is having to live with that. hopefully i wont commit the same kind of mistakes as he does. 

19. i think i'm still very restless when it comes to a lot of things. i've got nothing to hang on to, nothing to keep me calm and grounded. all the time i'm still drifting around, searching for new things to hang on to, seeking the next thrill ride, the next adrenaline rush. and when its over i'll move on again. its like the millenium falcon, hopping from galaxy to galaxy, with no place to call home. coruscant doesnt count, because it is the home of the universe, and hence home for no one. 

20. i beat around the bush a lot. i think the problem is that i dont have the confidence to just say things straight. i'm afraid of being wrong, or of messing things up. its easier to be ambiguous as one can easily cover up any mistakes. it takes courage to do black and white. i just keep doing grey. 

21. i am tired tired tired. 25 is a looooooong way away. 

22. i dont want to change the world. and i dont want to save the world. the world is beyond saving, and i have no messiah complex. however, it would be nice to contribute in a way that will help us progress as people, and especially as singaporeans. having said that, i do wish to be involved in the arts scene in singapore, whether theatre or music or whatever it may be. it is there i see the most potential.. singaporeans are a bunch worth saving, if only because they are the hardest to save. 

23. my sense of humour is very questionable. 

24. i wish i could draw. i always did, i still do, and i always will. 

25. i am a collector. 

castles made of cloud

and life could somehow go on, even if its never quite the same again

because at the end of it all, that's the only comfort that we've got

and forever

cos there's nothing like the memory of yesterday, the emptiness of today and the promise of tomorrow to always keep us going...

15 STEP

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle. 
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! 
4. Tag 10 or more friends 


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? 
midnight show - the killers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? 
lemon tree - fool's garden

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? 
for a pessimistic, i'm pretty optimistic - paramore 

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? 
requiem for a dream - lux aeterna

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? 
put your hands up in the air - daft punk

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? 
i predict a riot (radio 1 live lounge cover) - mcfly

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? 
let me love you (radio 1 live lounge cover) - charlotte church 

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? 
empty space - lifehouse 

WHAT IS 2+2? 
believe - the chemical brothers

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? 
baby, its a wild world - mr big

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
yesterday (acoustic) - the beatles

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? 
i want you back - the kooks

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 
theme of final fantasy x - final fantasy x

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
aint that a shame - cheap trick

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? 
watch and ward - phonograph

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? 
overture 1928 - dream theatre

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? 
unchained melody - il divo

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? 
photograh - nickleback

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? 
to where you are - josh groban

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? 
detainer - day of fire (sounds like confinement to me ><) HOW WILL YOU DIE?  glider - captain beefheart WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?  black - neurosis WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?  foreign language - anberlin  WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?  do it alone - sugarcult WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?  where i stand - blue october  WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?  time after time - cyndi lauper DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?  sooner or later - breaking benjamin (HAHA) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?  suteki da ne (piano collection) - FFX piano collections  WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?  rookie of the year - funeral for a friend WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?  15 step - radiohead

wow no muse

never worth the sacrifice

take your time, because time is all that you have. 

until you've found your answers, 

this is all that you will ever get. 

yes, it sometimes dont make sense.

things happen, and you dont know why. 

its getting steadily tougher and easier at the same time. change is still hard for me i guess. i dont know if that will ever change. paradoxical, isnt it? 

as usual i as thinking too much on the trip home, and i figured i'm still living in too simlistic a world. i guess everything's still quite idealistic for me. idealistically good, or idealistically bad. there's little room for any in between. i'm still slowly learning i hope, how to come to terms with things that dont make sense to me. i'm just not sure how much time i have. or rather how much time i can afford to take. because no one ever has enough time. 

Fire Alarm

every once in awhile everyone needs a little bubble bursting. you burst one bubble so the new one grows a little bit stronger. 

ngeah. i want my jerseys...

Thoughts Attack

last night i had the most strange experience while lying in bed. its been a long while since i've been doing any meaningful thinking. yesterday i did spend some time thinking, especially before going to bed. while lying in bed, when i closed my eyelids, i had the sensation of words washing over me. it was extremely queer. when i opened my eyelids i felt nothing, just staring at the ceiling. but the moment my eyes were closed i could feel words, thoughts, sentences, everything weighing down on me. it doesnt really make much sense, me trying to explain what it was like. i wish there was some way of giving it meaning, some way of making sense of it all. but i'm quite sure there isnt. its probrably psychological more than anything. 

i wonder if its the sudden onset of repressed thoughts. the sad part is that i dont think there was anything complex. but basic beats nothing i guess. 

Voices

maybe i am only fearing for the worst. 

the irony of it all is that i wish it werent a fair trade off. i know everything has its price, and i've accounted for the price to pay. but maybe i was wrong. maybe it was worth more than i thought it was. 

thoughts are taking way too long right now. i can feel myself slowing down in relation to the rest of the world. 

we speak in different voices 

when fighting with the ones we love 

we speak in different voices 

why can't we say what we're thinking of? 

do i miss you, do i even dare

hello 2009. its a new year once more. 

no resolutions. i never make resolutions, because i'm hopeless at keeping them. but that doesnt mean i cant set out some goals/targets to try to meet. at least it gives me a sense of direction, or at the very least an illusion of that. i'm shit tired right now. 

so, things to do in 2009 (in no order): 

1. move on

2. pass ippt. pref at least a silver. 

3. keep in touch with friends. 

4. keep the brain alive. or at least prevent it from degenerating into a vegetative state. 

5. save money. 

honestly, i never liked goal setting. i hate all that shit about being realistic, time period etc. i dont really feel like thinking right now. army kinda does that to you. it negates the need to really think. 

sigh. the pain of being away from everything that means anything to me is starting to sink in. i never thought i'd feel this way, being left out of everything. i miss everyone, i really really do. 

ok i need to force myself to think and to reflect. 

2008 was quite a good year i think. in general jc life was good. it flew by, of course it did. and i had a ton of fun, even if i also did have a ton of hurt. i'd like to think that i've grown up quite a bit the past 2 years. i sincerely hope i did. i've learnt a lot these 2 years, and i dont mean academically. i've learnt a lot about others, i've learnt a lot about life in general, but more importantly i think i've learnt a lot more about myself. in IP i had no idea who i was. i was basically just drifting around, settling anywhere that would have me. and i would float on and on, constantly in search of something new, something different, something that would excite me. while i wouldnt say i have fully discovered who i am now, i think i have a better idea. i know what i want. i know what i like and what i dislike. i know what makes me tick, i know what gets me annoyed, angry, frustrated etc. most significantly, i think i now know what makes me happy. and that is very important. 

i am really thankful to the people that have made my jc life the best two years of my life. looking back, through all the ups and downs, it is the people that made all the difference. 

i couldnt have asked for a better class than a12. i mean, its not always been the most smooth-sailing, but we definitely made it through alright. hell, we made it through pretty damn awesome. i mean, i dont think jc would have been half as fun without the class. i mean, there is always someone i can turn to, whenever i'm feeling down or anything. and together we've had so much fun, whether going out, or just doing stupid things to amuse ourselves. i dont think my words can ever do justice to just how much i appreciate my class. a12 kept me sane when i thought i was losing it. 

i am also extremely grateful for the 07/08 tsd batch. i mean, these were the people that i saw every single damn day of my jc life, whether i liked it or not. the course has made a lasting impression on my life, and so have the people. the amount of work put in, the hours spent slogging away, spent in each other's faces, one never forgets these things. these people were my family away from a12. its definitely not always been easy, but as a whole we managed lah. its not like our senior batch where there were obvious factions. i think the sense of unity is much stronger in our batch, and that can only be a good thing. and i've made so many new friends, friends which i dont think i would normally make. tsd has changed my life in so many ways, its a little scary. 

floorball has been my release away from tsd. there's just no other way to describe it. i mean, all my hard work in jc went to two things: tsd and floorball. and the people are vastly different. and its a good thing. i mean, i think its unhealthy to be constantly around the tsd people, because you'll go crazy. with the floorball guys i can just, you know, be a typical guy. there's easily less judgement. i'm not sure quite how to describe it, but the feeling of comradeship, it is something i treasure.

sigh i am so tired right now i cant think. i need to go crash. i must seriously start working on some form of thank you. i've never been the card-writing, gift-giving kind. but i've got 2 years to work on it, two years to find ways to show my appreciation for the people who have made the past 2 years so enjoyable and memorable. 

i think i will make that a resolution. 

Falling Away With You

i realise then words are escaping me more and more frequently. i dont know what to say, but that's not even the real problem. the real problem lies in the fact that i suspect i may have forgotten how to say. army is screwing with my life. i knew it would, i just didnt know it would be this bad. i have become incoherent. i cant even write a proper semi-intelligent sentence now. i swear, army makes people stupid. its not fair on guys, they enter uni with an increased disadvantage. my active vocabulary has probably been reduced to maybe a 100 words. at best 200? i dont want to count. 

i think the thing that most shocks me is just how much i miss the things i had. 

nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. 

when all lights fade, my eyes take shape

army changes everything. 

and i'm gone. be back in two weeks. 

Falling from your grace

shopping is cathartic. i guess its easy to lose oneself in the euphoria of spending money, especially when you dont normally spend so much money. its crazy. since As ended i think i've spent close to $400. i mean my parents do reimburse some of that money, but its still crazy actually spending all that money. and it is cathartic, to loosely use the term. and its been a great day. soccer, good food, shopping, company, excellent. 

soooooooo.... 

tekong is looming. well, sort of. its not really looming like DARK SCARY DANGEROUS looming. its more like COME COME I"M NOT SO BAD looming. i'm looking forward to it, so at least i have the right mindset going in. its not so bad, it really isnt. 

its all about distracting myself right now. doing quite well so far, so its alright. kinda. 

Mass Hysteria

today is Crash and Burn day 2. spent tons of money, said tons of things i shouldnt have, and did tons of nothing. sounds like crash and burn to me. 

\m/

muse makes me very happy :D

Emotional Crash and Burn

right now, i cant do anything right. all my choices suddenly seem so different, and they start making less and less sense. and its just a bad time to be doing anything. nothing beats nothing. i dont want to end up doing something i will regret. hell right now i'm not even thinking straight. i'm thinking things that make zero sense, i'm considering scenarios so far-fetched even jk rowling couldnt think of them. the worst part is that i can somehow make them seem quite real. which is a scary thought. 

i'm glad everyone's going away. or rather, i'm glad i'm going away from everyone. at least it gives me time on my own, to recover and find myself again. everything's happening to quickly i suspect, trying to do so much with so little time. i guess its time to now think about taking things slow. i mean, its only 4 more free days left. after that, i've got all the time in the world to begin from circle one. 

i guess right now i just need to let myself crash and burn. seriously. there's little else i can do, and there's little else i should do. crash and burn, crash and burn. 

(:

because this is the greatest class ever

Leaving Out The Blanks

somtimes, it only takes a little tap on the shoulder to remind you of what really matters. 

its the little things that i remember. i guess because you realise what it means to you. and because you'll never get it again.

i've been thinking about religion and faith. and i suspect i understand now. more than i used to. 

just wanting or meaning to say is not good enough. only actually saying is good enough. 

its damn hot. 

hot damn. 

nope, i havent found it yet. i'm still looking, although i'm not sure how long i can keep this up for. for as long as it takes, i guess. some things dont have deadlines. 

i dont think about death too much. not mine, that is. its a good thing, if anyone believes me. 

i guess, i'm still scared, terrified, freaked out. because i dont understand, because my rational mind cannot make any sense of it all. 

How do you fall in love when you've never been in love before?

prom was awesome. i suspect it was even slightly better than i expected it to be. i mean yes some parts were pretty lame, haikel was full of crap, but hey at least i enjoyed myself. i guess that's the most important thing. 

haha, this post has been stagnant for a couple of hours. i shall get back to it. 

i've actually forgotten anything intellectual i might have thought a while back. my brain has been degenrating into mush ever since school ended. its quite sad really, considering that i wont really need to think very much during army. of course you know what i mean. 

oh yes i remember now. i was musing about army just now, and i realised that the change to pixelated gear is very fitting. it is the 21st century after all, we no longer engage in physical combat. it is the time for digital and cyber warfare. hence the government's decision to make all ns men look like freaking avatars. i just hope they dont eventually send me to thailand to fight that never ending pseudo-war. 

i am falling sick. not just literally, but i suspect mentally as well. it's not that my mental state is degenerating or anything. its just that so many things have changed that i sometimes dont recognise me anymore. suddenly, i'm doing so many things i normally wont, and it scares me. everything scares me, because i'm actually really a coward. which is worse, pretending to be a coward or pretending not to be?

i may be awesome, but i'm not as awesome as you make me out to be. 

i may be delusional, but not as delusional as i make you out to be. 

Dark and Darker

Dark and Darker

dark: dont be foolish. 

darker: foolish? i dont have time to be foolish. i've spent all this time waiting, and you're telling me i'm foolish?

dark: it's going to happen someday. we all grow up. 

darker: grow up. hmph. 

dark: and what do you want? to fall in love like in all your dreams? 

darker: at least i have dreams. you are nothing but a cynical aimless wanderer. 

dark: who isnt miserable, if you havent noticed. 

silence. 

darker: go back to your damn hole. 

silence. there is no hole. 

dark: you are an idiot. you dont even know who you are. 

darker: and who does? you? give me a break. you're nothing more than me, and nothing less. 

dark: nothing is never nothing. 

silence. 

dark: i'm come to the conclusion that you are crazy. crazy crazy crazy. 

darker: crazy to a t. 

dark: its been too long. and yet you put yourself through all of it. who does that?

darker: hm, certainly darker than you. 

dark: you will have none of my sympathy. SCUM. 

darker: good. now leave me alone. 

dark: no. 

silence. 

darker: i refuse to carry on. 

they leave. 

Oh Dear

things have been different recently. i've spent more time worrying about my life than life in general. i dont know if that's a good or bad thing. perhaps it is neither. sometimes, it is better not to judge. taking a stand can be dangerous. 

i am tired. i've slept less than 18 hours in the past 3 days i think, which is disturbingly little considering its the holidays. i keep wondering if i am actually spending my remaining days the way i should. i mean, its not a lot of time left. yet somehow i dont really care. i am so so tired. 

gosh, its ironic how it is only now that i really understand some of the stuff i've learnt in school. i finally understand what young meant about waiting, about keeping an appointment that may never come. i can finally appreciate the beauty of the dream, and the misery of the illusion. perhaps one may never fully grasp the greatness of gatsby, but sometimes, one glimpse is more than enough. 

yes, settling for less can be a painful thing. at least be thankful you dont have to settle for nothing. 

http://funnyexamanswers.com/

WIN

Floating On

i havent slept well in at least a month. this scares me, i never used to have real trouble sleeping. but then a month ago i started having trouble sleeping. i would lie in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. now, i fall asleep, but have trouble staying asleep. i've been waking up when the sky is still dark, because of the dreams i've been having. i keep having to wake up from my dreams, but in a way i guess it spares me from the real horror that may have come had i kept on dreaming. 

hello world, i've been losing my head. cant you tell? things have NOT been ok. i NEVER emphasise words in my sentences. i think it is quite STUPID. WHAT THE HELL. as of right now i am EXTREMELY exhausted, hence i am NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. WOE BE ME. 

i hate myself. when all else fails, hate thyself. even if you dont, do so anyway. at least its not as destructive as hating someone else, and then hating yourself cos you hate someone else. HATE THY SELF. 

nah, i'm just kidding. 

i am in no condition to do anything at all. 

green plastic watering can

reason has its limits. i never thought i'd admit to it, but i will now. 

today was so tiring. i am so burnt right now, i'm amazed i'm actually still awake. a part of me cannot comprehend why i'm doing all that i am. its not rational. i shouldnt be doing all these, but i am anyway. 

ok, so i dont know what i'm doing. i'm not sure if there's any point in trying to figure out if everything is right or wrong. sometimes, i think you just gotta risk it. some things never fully make sense,  but it doesnt mean that i shouldnt make any sense at all. something's better than nothing, and even if it isnt i'll keep telling myself that. if only this wasnt so selfish, if only there was some other way. 

Hey Mr Lumberjack

MAN UP. 

The Missing

it gets harder with every passing day. 

today was pretty random. went to town, then to chinatown, then to huimin's house. ended up watching 6 episodes of oc season 4. as artificial as it may be, it's still appealing in the way they deal with very real issues, albeit in rather false ways. and kaitlin's still hot as ever. 

17 days left. there's alot i need to do i realise. prom is only a week away. wow. i didnt realise how close it is. prom better be fun. everyone else is going to be so boring, every guy is going to look generic. such a pity, i think costumes would be more fun. and besides prom, there's still lots of catching up to do. i want to play mahjong, i want to meet people i've lost touch with, i want to spend my days as occupied as possible. 

Message in a Bottle

oooh i've hit 900. 

18 more days to army. i'm a little scared, quite excited. 

at least i know. 

die lor duh

assasin

WHAT A DAY. 

damn. 

i havent had such fun in ages, i almost shock myself. everything just happened, no thinking, no pondering, no worrying, just deciding. crazy. crazy fun. yeahhhhhhhhh. 

the train was filled with freaks. i look at all of them, looking back at all of me. we are freaks, and recognised fellow strange-men. and it didnt really matter what we looked like, or what we may have been wearing. at 11pm on a weekday, everyone on the train is a weirdo. or maybe a foreigner. there was no escaping the strangeness. 

i met so many weird people today. i even met the weird side of me. weird huh. 

Crystalline Green

i'm nearing the 900 mark. 

omg, house is the best show ever. i swear, i could watch it over and over again, the script writing is amazing. 

NO MORE A LEVELS :D

OMG ITS OVER. JOYYYY. 

btw, i cant seem to remove my damn poll. i want to put a different poll. 

that is an EVIL laugh.

*evil laughter*

how many times can you freeze the same block of ice?

my greatest problem so far has been my indecision. go away, indecision. 

and its all in my head

i'm feeling very detached. as detached as i made Eman out to be. i wrote detached so many times it must have been terrifying. i somehow dont feel as connected as i think i used to be. everything kinda flows by, the slow ebbing of the wave of time. whatever that means. 

on a brighter (haha) note, i really like the remix version of mr brightside on sawdust. there's something about the trance-ish feel that really appeals to me. i really really really like it. 

more V jokes

so tsd is over. AWESOME. 

i'm feeling quite happy right now, post-paper euphoria still hasnt faded. its funny, no matter how bad a paper is, i'm always happy after the paper. i'm just so happy its over. and well it wasnt that bad, because i kinda expected it to be bad anyway. so it wasnt beyond what i expected. which isnt too bad, i guess. yep, i kinda lost myself too, dont worry about it. 

one paper left! i cant wait for lit to be over. i really really really am so excited. i mean, A levels have kinda been bleh to me so far. i havent been shocked, but i havent had a paper i could confidently say i would ace. but its ok. i can always sign on and work my way up the public service ladder. quite a high ladder mind you. quite an expensive ladder too. 

i always imagine what i would be like if i were a funny person. it must be quite fun eh, to be able to make people laugh. like the dudes on whose line, i so envy them. there's a certain sense of wild abandon that is admirable and unattainable. 

and i've concluded, since i am a rational person, i can rationalise away my fears. and i can rationalise away my anger. i'm trying, i really am. 

tears... tea... tear...

i keep on forgetting things i want to remember. 

shit shit shit shit shit

stat of the past few days:

dwight howard - 30 pts, 19 rebounds, 10 blocks, 3 assists. WTF. 

All Apologies

today was a good day turned bad. in about 2 secs. 

i mean its ridiculous. which normal person goes out of his way to make himself and everyone around him more frustrated and angry? its not normal i swear. its like, mild insanity maybe. maybe he has some neurological problem that needs treatment. because that just isnt normal. i mean, we're all going out of our way to reduce any conflict and tension, and he goes out of his way to increase tension an create conflict. 

happy family to me. 

winning is everything

effort is never an option

Outsmart

wow, survivor just got very very interesting. 

survivor in my view is conceptually one of the best reality tv shows ever. i disagree with the amazign race picking up so many awards. i mean, yes its fun to watch people run around, but i think its way more interesting to pick away at the human condition. because survivor is a social experiment. it is proof that groups never exist peacefully and coorperatively. it is testament to the selfishness of Man. after all, who doesnt want a million dollars? 

i think its very easy to lose sight of the real game in survivor. survivor isnt about surviving. it is about playing the game. it is about playing with people, manipulating situations to your needs. the one thing i really wish the producers of the show would do is to actually put a whole bunch of real smart people in one season. i mean, on the surface it may not make for entertaining tv, no bimbo, no cut-throat bitch, no nice guy, no sweet girl. but it would be way more interesting, when everyone has a strategy and everyone plays the game. i think that was missing from the first half of this season, but they're getting to it now. its about outsmarting the rest, not outsurviving the rest. survival is not for the fittest, it is for the smartest. 

and i'm on facebook

what's the big deal? 

The name's so sexy you gotta say it twice.

Madagascar 2 was awesome!!!

"Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane! "

Freedom

and i keep telling myself, its only 26 more days. i can survive till then. 

real scum get away all the time

i think its really weird that this a level period is one of the happier periods of my 2 years. the excitement and joy after each paper ends means that i'm more or less on a high all the time. maybe i'm deluding myself, but sometimes just being happy is good enough, no questions asked. 

today's toilet bowl meditation:

the real disease in america, besides the bush administration, is hollywood. it is the land of broken dreams and false pretenses. hollywood embodies everything the normal citizen will never get: lots of money, lost of hot guys/girls, lots of fame, and absolutely no hard work at all. hollywood is the real scum that gets away all the time. there are too many rich people doing too much for themselves and too little for anyone else. and even then, they dont actually "do" anything. money breeds money, and so all they have to do is have money. 

amazing fact of the day:

al horford - 27 pts 17 rebounds 6 blocks

17 rebounds and 6 blocks. WTF!

Flying Hedgehogs make me happy

wow i just wasted away my night on armorgames.com. amazing. 

run baby run

"On Sunday in Charlotte, the Raptors outrebounded their opponent for the first time this season. Andrea Bargnani is averaging 16.3 points on .731 shooting in even-numbered games and 3.0 points on .267 shooting in odd-numbered games. Chris Bosh has been terrific every night."

HAHAHA. 

econs is about 7/8 over. awesome!!! :))))

I HATE CRICKETS. 

maybe tomorrow

i'm sick of all this. i'm of having to spend every weekend listening to my dad going on about the same things over and over again. i'm sick of listening to all his bullshit. i'm sick of my mom nagging me all the time about every single damn thing. 

more than anything, i'm sick of how dysfunctional my family is. i mean, if it were really dysfunctional it wouldnt be so bad, cos at least i know and we all know we're dysfunctional. but no, we appear alright. but no one talks. every time we're in the car, when i talk to someone about something it feels weird. its like, i'm breaking the holy silence. and its messed up. when i hitch a ride with people, they always talk to their parents. there's always some small talk, asking about each other's day, complaining about this and that. but no, no one talks. either he's whispering, or he's shouting. NO ONE EVER FUCKING TALKS. 

and that's where i'll fall too, if i'm not careful. 

Migraine?

this thing is killing me. its the cause of the bad mood. its the cause of the desire to kill someone. it fucking annoys me, more so because i have no idea wad the hell it is. AND i cant even properly describe what it is. 

pains unexplained

maybe i'm going deaf. i think if there's one thing i'm really afraid of, it is going deaf. even partially. if i cant hear properly, i cant play music. if i cant play music, well, i cant be happy. and if i cant be happy, what's the point of living? there's deductive reasoning for you. 

but i honestly think i may be going deaf. its a strange sensation. everytime sound goes into my ears, it starts to ring and crackle. its like, glass in my ears. or something like that. non-stop. 

i want more colour in my life. my life is not colourless, its just dull. 

when enough is not enough

today has been painful. the buzzing in my ear has really gotten to me now. i dont know if buzzing is the right word. its shrilly, but i dont think shrilling is a word. its difficult to put into words how it feels, because it isnt pain in the normal sense of the word pain. it frustrates me, and it grates against my heart. i cant even listen to my music now. 

also, today i took a shot in the jaw. it hurt, and it still does abit. 

also, today i studied so little, i might as well not have studied at all. (of course the justification in that statement is so bad. studying a little is infinitely better than studying nothing at all. 1 is infinitely greater than 0.)

today i was talking to some friends about the mj match, and i realise that i'm still not over it. i still cant put it behind me. its the feeling of regret and disappointment, knowing that we were so close, and yet so far. nothing went our way, and yet we were still that close to winning. it hurts also because of the effort that i knew i gave, the effort that we knew we all gave. i dont want to complain that its no fair, because life never is. i think the pain still lingers because i've never really tasted victory. not after such a long time of hard work and training. that semifinal was our final, but it wasnt to be. i dont know if i should blame myself for making a mistake right at the very death. every time i think about it i say its my fault, but i know at some point i need to let it go. to realise that its happened, and i cant change what has happened. there is no reshaping the past that is ingrained in the sands of time. but it still is a real pity. 

when its all said and done, there'll be nowhere else to run

i've been weird lately. things have been quite strange. maybe its the anticipation of each paper mixed with the suppressed euphoria of finishing exams plus the fear of screwing up plus the desire to succeed plus the daily chores of studying plus the disappointment of life plus the hope of a better tomorrow.

stirred, not shaken. 

Anger and Madness

i am in a fucking bad mood. its never good, these mood swings of mine. 

i figure, its better being angry than it is being disappointed. the immediate consequence of being angry is of course worse and more destructive, but as long as its not constantly directed at others, its not so bad. why? because anger fades. it always does. as long as you dont start pissing everybody off when you're feeling angry, as long as you exercise some self-restraint, it will pass. but being disappointed, its a lot worse. immediately, there isnt much effect. things seem normal, life seems fine. but it isnt. because disappointment doesnt fade. it'll linger and linger for a long long time, and it'll slowly eat you up from inside. the worse part is you'll never notice. before you know it, you're jaded and quietly suffering. 

so i'll be angry, just for awhile. 

please bear with me, maybe pretend to smile. 

i hate post-paper. its the worst time of any exam day. i think its ridiculous how people have to discuss the paper once its over. i can understand why, so i cant say i dont. people want the assurance they didnt fuck up, people want to gauge how well they are going to do, people just want to know. i much rather not know. ignorance is always bliss. what if i realise i totally screwed up the paper? am i going to spend the next 3-4 months moping and worrying how i did? no, i'm not going to do that. i much rather enjoy myself, live life, and then be sad later on. there's no point prolonging my pain, or rather premeditating my pain. 

i really wish people would just shut up and start worrying about the next paper. what's done is done, and nothing you say is going to change it. why worry? people worry too much, which is why no one knows how to have fun anymore. everyone's too worried about making it. 

Day of Change

check out this dude's name:

Richid Altmbareckhammou

so anyway, today is election day. there is now a black us president. we also know that racism is alive and kicking in america. my question is this: how many people voted for obama because he IS black? 

elections are never truly meritocrious. it is always a populartiy contest. i mean, why else would they get people like bruce springsteen and oprah to side with them? and truth be told, while i think obama is probably the better candidate, i also think mccain lost because of bush. bush was pretty much a total cock-up, and i really think it has hurt the republicans alot. mccain and obama didnt start this presidential campaign on the same level. 

now that obama is president, i want to see if he can deliver on his promises. he's got alot og american shit to clean up. 

Title Number One

just stripped my blog of the template. let me think why...

1. i want my titles back. 

titles are important. titles set the tone of whatever is to come. and its also a really pretentious way to appear smart and philosophical. i mean, its very easy to think of one-liners that sound really smart, and then just fill up the post with rubbish. i always do that. i want my titles back. i want my one-liners back. 

2. i was getting bored with my old one.

i mean yes matt bellamy is all over it, but the blue and grey was actually quite hard on the eyes. i like white much better. and its less cluttered, and easier to manage i guess. which is always a plus. 

3. change of style.

i notice it already. it feels more open, less angsty and repressed. i actually feel like i'm talking to someone, instead of just myself. captive audience indeed. hey my language is improving too! now this is strange... 

4. neutrality. 

do i really need to explain? no, cos i understand what it means. that's good enough. 

5. i'm tired of ripping off other peoples' works

yeah, now i'm just ripping off blogger. but hey, at least they encourage me to do it. 

6. i've got nothing better to do right now.

truth be told, i thought of all those reasons (minus no 6) after changing the template. life is always better viewed in hindsight, because there's nothing you can do to change what has been done and decided. of course that isnt always true but hey, math is over. no one gets to argue with me. 

so everyone, all hail the return of the Title!

why i dont care: 

its simple. its over, so there's nothing to care about.

its when its not over that it becomes a problem, because u cant help but caring. 

i think no matter how many times u watch it, armaggadon is still a great movie. its all about the american dream and the great sacrifice. 

the all american rejects guy cant sing live. neither can alot of people.