to mock is to mocketh

i am in one of those moods again. where everything is lousy, everyone sucks, everything sounds so goddamn stupid. why?

sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.

O RLY

its time like this i feel like i need a girlfriend?

grand-narrative? try grand-irony

for some strange reason, i've recently taken to irony. in all its shapes and sizes.

sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.

irony is so ironic. it really is.

ZEN @_@

blogging is fucking zen.

everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.

they jus, come.

terribly disturbed

i am terribly disturbed by the fact that:

i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.

rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.

pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?

its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.

this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?

the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O

i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.

its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?

its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.

why am i so suay....

wa lau. i am damn suay. but i continue to gamble anyway. wad a joke.

o.0

maybe i AM fucking drunk. hahahahahahahahah

GONE

omg i'm too damn high. like >.> >.> >.> i haf learnt from today dat alcohol makes me high, nto drunk. and VERY red zomgwtf. and i've also learnt smthn, which is that when one is drunk, shuttup. HAHAHA. of course i wasnt drunk, but someone was at one point, and said stuff he/she shldnt haf HAHAHHAHAHAA :D:D:D:D lol lol lol. i'm fucking crazy. tom i'll wake up and be like "omg wtf did i do all dat last nite O_O" hshshshsh.

ROCK IT BABY!!!!!!!

omg omg omg i am so high. my brain is sane, my body is bloody drunk >.> hahahahahaha. i jus danced all the way home from the damn bus stop, and i was dancing and sashaying whilst i opened the door, and i'm dancing around hte hse in my boxers. WTF?!?? hahhahaha. i tink hk pple make me high lol. the wine jus made it worse lol x 10000. lol tthis doesnt sound like me, cos it isnt hahahahaa. i'm crazy. i jus karate kicked jus now, for no apparant reason. but i'm not dfrunk u noe. my mind is clear as ever. dickie talks abotu institutional art. SEE! muahahahahaha. omg die tom sure damn damn high oso. eee ok i'm cold i'm goin to put on some clothes. lalalalalalalalalalalalalzlzlzlallalalalala.

so -_-""

everytime i tink of smthn,
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??

i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?

i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.

i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.

stupid ho

sigh. i'm very sad. inspiration pang seh me again and again and again.

nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.

sigh.

BOMBING BABY

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm high xDDDD

haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.

what the fuck.

bohemian rap city!!!!!

something's scary.

sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.

i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.

i'm not making sense am i -.-

at the end of the something

bleh i missed the tao nan outing. and now dat i tink about i tink i shldnt haf. cos its like we're all 16 goin on 17, and like its a really good time to meet up once more to jus see how everyone's doin, before steppin into jc life. and i'm tinkin, this hols is the best time to meet up with old frens. the timing is jus so, right. sigh. so now i'm tinkin i wan to meet old frens all over again. maybe one day i'll go find yijing joel they all, maybe the tuition pple, vs pple even, jus old mates.

is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?

down in a hole

i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.

down in a hole

i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.

-____________-"""

thank you yonglin char and victoria :D

du di du di

lol yuxuan posted and i shall rip a quiz. lalala. i got notin to do sia -.-

1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.

if nothing's missing, den everything's missing

ok so now that my head has kinda of cleared itself up, and my eyes arnt crossing each other everytime i look at something, i tink my thoughts are now straight. lalala. ok so i'm still slightly high, but ok nvm wtf.

ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.

but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...

hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-

and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.

i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?

why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.

living the washing machine life

so i'm back, now,
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.

i am so fucking suay... -.-

its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.

its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?

ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo