get me lovestoned

really, its not that hard. har har.

smile like me

DISTORTION BABY!!!!!!!

oh baby.

HELLO!

tonight is a weird night. WEIRD. correction: today is a weird day. WEIRD.

me and minghao are currently having a strange conversation about an emo radio station, converting everyone such that we become a "a legion of discontented emo singaporeans" "disconnected AND discontented bent on revolution and overthrowing the government then they take powr", and my ascension to power. and how everyone has to bow to me when i say hello. HELLO! now bow. i am disatisfied with minghao's inability to submit to me.

and my conversation with shu has brought about some very very strange lines. such as this one:

if you want your ring back, you must exchange your dreams for it

i mean, how cool is that? i cna just picture that in some super mega cool fantasy game or movie or smthn. like, woah moment!

oh! moment!

debunking my myth

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

.greatest fear to fear the great..

i fear relationships. why? because for every start there must be and end. for every day there'll be a night. and i fear the end. i fear loss. loss of those closest to me. closest to my heart. people whom i could trust. people i have placed faith in. i fear not being unable to achieve, instead i fear losing what i have. i desperately cling on, hoping it'll last forever. but nothing is forever. is there fprver? who is to say? i fear letting go. i fear having to let go of things i have. letting go is hard. too hard for the heart. it takes too much out of me. its scars too deep. i fear rejection. i fear not being accepted by those i seek acceptance from. not a mass, nto an entity, but the individual. people. persons. and i fear not being able to gain their trust, failing to garner their faith. i fear pain. pain brought about by having to go through life the way it is. the physical pain shall fade away, btu the pain from dealiing with people, egos, emotions, minds, hearts. overwhelming. fragile fragmetns of the soul, yet forced to juggle them, watch to see which is to fall first. i fear letting down the poeple who have placed faith in me. to have to face the dissapointment, the hurt, its just too much for me to take. i fear running away. not facing up to what i should. thrying to escape, though i know i cant. i fear losing control. over my emotions. to lose the control, allowing the gates to break open, i'd be afraid, frightened, cos the repercussions are too great. to be abel to control my emotions is something i want to be able to pride myself for. but maybe its pride misplaced. i fear having to consider all the options of any situation, for it brings rise to too many possibilities i dont want to see. i fear underachieving. not meeting my own standards. others dont matter, for if i dont even meet my own personal standards, its only letting myself down. and yet i fear overachieving. i fear reaching a point where there is no more to achieve. the end. for what then, when theres nothing more to achieve? nothing left to strive for? i fear having belief placed in me. cosi know only too well that it is more thaan likely that i shall dissapoint. i fear things being beyond my comprehension. i seek to understand things that are going on, but if and when i dont, i feel lost. to be unable to be clear of things happening, to analyse but not understand, it'll scare me. and i fear being at a loss, with no direction in which to go, no idea where to turn. i fear having to make decisions. there are too many implications, too many possibilities.
i fear my heart, my mind, but not my soul.
for there is belief. and in that i trust.
could i conquer these fears? probrably not.
i cant make it go away, i wont.
everyday i face all these i fear, but am i fearful? hopefully not.
what do i live for? not for others, not for myself, but for all i fear. i live to see myself faced with all that i am afraid of, over and over again.
why? cos its a challenge. and i like challenges. i thrive on them. not to conquer, but just the ride.
see, i live on adrenaline.

Posted by dessy at 7:25 PM

that, was more than 2 years ago. sigh. see this is what happens when you get sick of reading about holocaust denial and creation-science. you go through old blog entries. what the hell. (note to self: who's you? chances are no one reads this but yourself you idiot, so stop pretending like theres an audience of some sort.)

well i didnt actually read that from my archives. i reread it in my diary, then i reread it on my blog, den reread some other stuff. the thing that really struck me is that, while some things have definitely changed (and for the better, i'd like to believe), some things, well, havent. i mean, i'd like to think that i've become less naive, i'm matured and all that shit, but beyond all of that, there are things i cant help but realise that havent changed at all. in one sense, i dont think i am any closer than 2 years ago in defining who i am. which is a really scary thought. i mean, yes in the almost 3 years i've been in vj i've learnt alot, not just about myself, but in general. but i still am confused about who i am. in sec 2 i thought i knew who i am. sec 3, ok ip1 wadeva, that really fucked everything up. it really did make me reconsider alot of the things i thought i knew, about others, about myself, about life in general. so many things happened, so many things changed, and i say it over and over again, it really forced me to grow up. which is definitely a good thing in many respects.

but the thing that really strikes me about this post, is that for the majority of it, i can still post it now. ok maybe not the last portion (HAHA laugh with me now HAHA). but the whole first section, it more or less still holds true. that aint the scary part. the scary part is this: how long more will all of that apply? i mean, i think at some point, i have to honestly face up to all of that. i cant run forever. i dont want to run forever, even if i'm doing it right now. (HM maybe thats why my dreams are always about running, but i always wake up just before i reach where i want to reach. hm. ok maybe not)

theres another thing i realise. i'm now trying to work out whether i'm more honest now or then. ok desmond shall think. actually, having thought about it, i suspect it is actually quite different. last time, i suppose i could be more honest with others, but not myself. all the hating, all the angst, all the anger, it amounted to some kind of truth, in that beyond all the "fuck"s and all the "shit"s, i probably can sieve out the elements of honesty. now, i suppose i do find it easier to be honest on the inside. on the outside? not so easy. the main difference is this - i suppose last time, i did first, thought(regret/worry/reflect) after. now, i think first, do after. or in many cases, dont do after. and i suppose at least last time, i actually did all those things first. i did stuff i can regret later. now, i'm too scared, i suppose even more scared than last time, and as a result, there are alot of things i want to do but cant, or dont. i mean, so much for development eh. so i suppose i cant decide when i've been more honest, then or now, but i can say i am not more honest than i was, which is a bad thing. i think.

i just had this thought. could this be cyclical? like, 2 yrs and 4 months from now, i'll come back, look at this again, re post it, and realise nothing has changed. scary thought? i hope not.

nope, i cant. not yet.

the age game

i want to live life with no regrets. i want to be able to look back and say, "yes, that was worth it", "no i wouldnt have done it any way else". i want to be able to do that. and now, just 17, already i think i cant.

hur, and you wonder why people never grow old.

in need of some pursuit

ah fuck my sis is watching bring it on. (again, i think)

i've realised, i have a few means of running away. one is music. second one is intellectual pursuits. today whilst i was reading, i suddenly realised, "hey, this aint right." i realised that all i was doing was to just push all the thoughts out of my mind, to bury myself in the thoughts of others, so that i dont have to deal with my own.

i cant believe i've resorted to doing quizes to kill my hopelessly wasted time.

dont think about me

the problem is this. thinking makes me sad and fucked up, but i cant not think. i think (hah) i have some form of addiction to thinking, such that i just cannot not think. and its depressing thinking about it (pun not intended). its a horrible feeling, having to think things through, wondering all the time, and not knowing. because my problem is that i want to know, but i'm too scared to find out. so i create all these possibilities and maybes in my mind, knowing that one of them is probably right, i just dont know which one.

so can i make choices? dont trust me on that. seriously.

who needs money when you've got me?

as my 601th post, i shall make it a meaningful one.

first, i'd like to say sorry. its not really as simple as that, but sometimes, theres only so much you can do.

secondly, i'd like to decide what i want to do. short term. long term can wait.
i want to write a song. and not just some lame emo shit song, i want to write a song that means something. i want to write a song. and i want to write a great song. i want to write a hey there delilah, or a tears in heaven. simple, yet amazing. but honestly, i dont think i have it in me to write a song as good as that. its just, you must have that something. some call it inspiration, i call it...inspiration. i suspect. and anyway, since when did i ever do anything i said i would anyway. exclamation mark!

thirdly, i want to buy a guitar pedal. or rather, multiple pedals. i want a distortion pedal, a delay pedal, and after that special effect pedals. someone give me money. please i beg you.

fourth, i want to make music. ie i want to jam. ie i need to jam. ie i cannot jam. ie i got no one to jam with. ie i'm dead. ie my dreams are going down the abyss of reality. ie i am not thinking clearly.

ie i shall be gone. or begone whichever it is.

need vs want

often it is really very simple. (i suspect i'm starting to think like an economist O_O)

i need to figure out my needs and wants. only then i can i settle things. yes. simple isnt it?

say no

he may want to play his childish games, but i swear, i wont. not again. i will not let myself fall back into that angst trap, i will not allow myself to be drawn into yet another meaningless battle. why? because it simply isnt worth it. i've learnt that much. its too stupid, too tiring, having to hate and be frustrated all the time. the only fear i have, is that i may not have anywhere to let it all out. and that might just make me, crack.

fuck you dad.

titles dont make a man

i hate harry potter harry potter. he screws with my life.

on a less exciting note, i have reconcluded that i am actually very normal. i have very normal wants, just expressed in possibly abnormal ways. like seriously. all the abnormal stuff, all the tumultuous rubbish, its all to cover up all the normality within. normality is lame u know, and i dont want to be lame... so i pretend to be different and all. truth hurts, and no one wants to be hurt.

on the other hand, thinking about all this normality shit, it just aint normal is it?

ah well, at least i started with a conclusion. i had another conclusion, but i have forgotten what it is. OH YES!

i have also reasoned why i like music so much. music makes me happy, cos music distracts me from thinking. thinking makes me sad, and music stops me thinking, hence music makes me happy. (any ki student would totally screw my argument over, but wad the hell) and for that alone, music is important. its not just an escape, its...shit i cant think of anything besides escape, but my point is that it isnt just as simple as just being an escape. its like, i feel comfortable, more so than about any other time. really, thinking about stuff just complicates things too much. sometimes, it just so much better just doing. music vs theatre, i'd pick music 7 times out of 10 (there are certain forms of theatre i just cannot say no to). music makes me happy. sometimes, all i really need is a guitar, pen and paper, and time.

time.

hmph

you're surprisingly insensitive, honestly.

seriously, no one takes me seriously.

signpost doctor

i'm not needing some place to go. i'm needing some place to stay.

after all, i cannot be wandering all my life, street after streets, because all streets do end somewhere. i've got to find the main road, and i've got to find it fast. before i get lost.

i need sleep and tons of weep

honestly guess work sucks. you never know where you're going, you dont even know whether you're even getting anywhere. and what is really bewildering is that people do that all the time. i do that all the time! why oh why?? if only life were as simple as math, where the probability of me doing something is but a fixed ratio to something else. i mean, at least then i have choices. but no, life aint so easy is it? so many variables, changing all the time, i really wonder how anyone can figure things out. i do all i can, and i'm nowhere.

yes it does hurt.

its not like writing a book. in writing a book, you can plan the end, and then slowly work out how you're gonna get there. at the rate things are going, i am going to be trapped in a pit hole of misspelled words and misery. and there is no way out. or rather, there is, but i'm not sure how i will get there. and maybe, jus maybe, i'll be just a little too late, and it'll be over.

forever?

disconcerting silence

i know, i know.

who never wished that the world were a better place? who never wished they could change the world? i've always believed that someday, somehow, i will change the world. everyone needs a lofty unachievable goal.

and mine, is to make you understand.

augusts

complications complicate.

its like a spider web, suddenly everything's inter-related, suddenly everything's messed up in each other. and i cant control it anymore. its spiralling out of control with every little action, every missed word, every lost touch.

what a difference a night makes.

i. cant. thing. right. now. pain. pain. pain.

ice ice baby!

i have concluded that i have a thing for Em.

a praise chorus

essentially, i've forgotten.

laimeeyomey?

i think i know why i dont regret stuff. its cos i think about them too much, often before i even do it. ok i am determined, i shall do more things i will end up regretting from now on. usually difference is what matters.

and counting

i have problems. i wish i had problem. then i would be able to find answer. instead of having to find answers. because it is damn tiring, having to find answers all the time.

stoke the ego, place it on the fire.
let it burn, melt it down,
and forge it into an everlasting crown.

i want a theory of everything. that is what is making my life so damn miserable. i have to stop ki-ing my own life. cos i dont think its getting my anywhere. i keep searching for something more, so much so i'm not sure i can appreciate the here and now.

wonderful. i am in a depressed kind of mood. with 31 hrs to do my crit com. crotch com lah.