i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.

its easy to be lively when you are happy.

people arnt good or bad by nature. however, i think there is such a thing as nice people by nature. its not easy, its not common. but it happens occasionally. you just cant become nice, like really become nice. yes, you can pretend to be nice, but i think its like what jireh said in slots yesterday. your relationship with other people the the product of your relationship with yourself. if you arnt naturally a nice person, how can you be nice to others? yes, of course its possible to pretend. we all do. its sometimes the only thing we can do. but there's no hiding the fact that often beneath all those pictures, we share a similar core that isnt nice at all.

i want a prs i want a prs i want a prs :(

you stupid spineless slug. why do you even bother? yes i do understand that you cant explain.

my condo is having a poolside screening of enchanted right now, its horrible. but i must justify myself, lest people condemn me for being narrow-minded and what not. enchanted is imo, a BAD show. but its my own opinion. its polluting the minds of our youth! its not that its like, badly written. its just overly cheesy and idealistic and utopian and perfect and beautiful, when lets face it, life is nothing like that. its not that i disagree with fairytales. i agree with fairytales fully, i think everyone needs some kind of fairytale dream. its hope. but well, i really cant accept the kind of fairytale presented in movies like enchanted. i know yesss, it sells. yesss, its nice to watch (for some people), yessss girls will all go awwwww. but seriously? ok lah, i know its just me being me and trying to assert my opinion on others which i should not do, but its something i feel strongly about. i cant hate people for liking enchanted. i dont, i really dont. i dont know who will actually believe me, but that's my stand. i just well, dont see things quite as being quite as rosy. i still want my fairytale. i just hope it doesnt involve falling through manholes or fighting dragons...

shattered? hee....

tired tired tired tired tired

i've had several westlife songs stuck in my head today. it is downright disgusting.

i might be the only one who thinks i can be a nice person.

today i bought new swimming trunks, and went for a swim.

there is nothing, my dear,
quite like the relief that is near.

sigh. hello once more, its nice to see you again.

you'll never quite understand what it's like, going to sleep feeling terrible, and waking up feeling just as bad. its unpleasant. its bad sleep. you dont have to dream about suicide, of course not. you dont have interrupted dreams of people you dont know. you dont dream about a past that never happened, a future that you desire so bad. you dont have to wake up at 5am, feeling thoroughly unrested, and having yet another queer dream between 5-7. no, you dont have to suffer. no, you dont have to be weird.

but its nice, you know. its nice being you, sometimes. people dont bother as much, people dont seem to want to care too much. and i'm fine with that.

i do wish i had a reason. i do wish i had an explanation. but all i have for you are excuses, my friend. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of making all these excuses, because i know i am putting off the inevitable. i thought about it last night, before i went to sleep. if i had a time machine and only one chance, what would i do? would i be selfish enough to take myself back in time and change what has happened? would i be naive enough to think that i can do what i couldnt? would i be brave enough to change? i asked myself, and then i will ask you. could you do the same? its nothing like a sacrifice. sacrifices have a point. sometimes, we dont need a point. some things need no explanation, some things are better off left without reason.

i dont get you. of course i dont. you hide better than i lie.

as always, i have written a song for you.

silly little me, always forgetting i've got no voice to put lyrics in.

goodbye. until next time, my friend. i will always remember you.

bring it on is the epitome of american stupidity. there is nothing like it.

"and like, my boyfriends the quarterback, and i'm a cheerleader!!"

do you remember when no one's here anymore?

hello my non-existant reader, welcome to my blog. first of all, i do warn you that you really are non-existant. second of all, i really am an attention seeking loner, with nothing better to do with his life. of course, you could argue that i am lying. but let us all assume that i am not.

i do not speak in riddles, for there is no point. no one reads, no one understands, no one belabors my point.

i make no attempt to be coherent, nor incoherent. what i say might just be what i am, although i am never sure. that must surely be the beauty of it all. everything is changing all the time. i'm like jello and you are my bowl.

i concede that i am an imperfect flaw. we are all little bits to a non-existant puzzle. god doesnt have time to make jigsaw puzzles.

i dream alot these days. too much, i might say. i dont know what i havent dreamt about. everyone has appeared, teachers, friends, parents, aliens, ghosts, you, you, you, you, you, you and of course, you.

i am not the same anymore. think back 26 years. do you remember what it was like back then? dont worry, neither do i.

i worry, of course i worry. i worry because i know where it might go wrong. i dont live life thinking everything will be alright.

i think about it all the time. there's no other way. yes, its been tough, its been horrible, nightmarish. but its all that is keeping me alive.

hello my non-existant reader. i am glad you take an interest in my life.

sigh

i am so tired. of having to do the same thing over and over again. why cant people give more a damn? i am so sick of it, so sick of them. sigh.

i know, looking back, i will have so many regrets. i already do. and i always wanted to live without having any regrets. it seems, that no longer can be the case. too many doors have opened and closed, and i dont know if they'll ever open again.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch cuz you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

i am extremely annoyed. i have no patience for these trivial irritants. argh. i dunno whats wrong, whether isit the new computer, the internet, the settings, the anti-virus, i dunno what. but its damn screwy. and i am freaking annoyed. its so hard to get anything done at all. i'm losing my threshold for tolerance.

its been a long time since i posted.
its been a long time since anything.
its been a long time since i've been fine.
its been a long time since i've been happy.
its been a long time since i've had freedom.
its been a long time since time didnt seem to speed by.
its been a long time since i looked forward to tomorrow.
its been a long time since i could speak.
its been a long time since anyone seemed to care.
its been a long time.
i know it has been.

dont know where i'm going, dont know where i've come.

how do i explain it to thee? it is the lack of purpose that is driving me crazy. its killing me, not knowing what i'm doing, not knowing where i'm headed. i cannot live every day the same way anymore. it all started when it started to end. you cant live life in a fishbowl when all you have is a cup. i've been searching so long, i'm not sure for what. but i know i have been searching.

i have felt the fatigue, the pain, the many days of suffering and salty tears. but still i get sand in my eyes, walk blindly into the dessert, with nothing but the pyramids in mind.

its nice to have things and people to capture my mind. all the colourful drawings, the beautiful sunsets, the never ending rainfall, your fleeting smile. little children and their innocent grins, flanked by the endless sea and sandy dreams.

no more excuses, you cowardly one. stand up for once, and make it count.

oh my god it is ridiculously stuffy and hot, even at 12.42 in the freaking night. i am melting.

when she sits there, holding the hand of her dying husband. he lies on bed, needing a machine to help him keep going. dressed in nothing more than simple pyjamas and traditional home wear. they are old, wrinkles line their faces. but its simple. to watch them, holding hands, simple unassuming gold bands on the 4th finger of their left hands, it breaks my heart.

yes, love exists.