whatever you say

wad did i expect anyway?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?

just a little maybe

you recognise those times,
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.

ask yourself if you really mean it

i dont want to think. but i dont have a choice have i?

question markkkkkkkk

how can i ask pple to take me seriously, or not, when i myself dont know when to?

i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!

what it all away?

i've lost it.

somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.

another reason to doubt my staying alive

and in the end, its all make believe.
we all are.

in her world

i've got so many secrets i wanna tell.
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.

will you be mine?

its a rainy day, so i say

my gosh.

forever young

my gosh the weather is so damn romantic. sigh.

what if einstein was christian?

everyone's special is his or her own eyes. i believe that must be true, or else we'd never achieve anything more than we already have. and honestly, i think everyone, in some way or another, always puts himself before anyone else. thats just how it is. no man is an island. every man is a country.

oh ok my god wadeva

how to pronounce b-l-e-s-s-e-d?

haha. if only anyone bothered. if only.

titles hardly matter

now, the line's so blur, does it even matter anymore? even if i cross it, who will know?

u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.

there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.

how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.

no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?

funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.

hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.

we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?

its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.

lol haha lmao rofl

haha. all the fake hahas. they are everywhere. yet they mean nothing. no one is really laughing. no one really means anything after all. we're all so safe, so secure, behinds lines of text, texts of lines, no one can see us. more importantly, no one can feel us. ultimately, only one sound remains: silence. the itunes, the clickin of keys, the wooshing of the aircon, the strange buzzing in my ear, they mean nothing. they dont exist. the only thing that exist, the only thing that matters, is the silence.

i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.

you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.

she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...

my war

my war

we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.

merry effin christmas

here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.

and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?

excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.

its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?

i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.

it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?

people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?

nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?

its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.

i dont even know if anything is the right word.

i found my greatest sex

recipe for a hot night out.

1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain

optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer

mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo

PRESENT BITCH!

SOMEONE BUY ME A FUCKING GUITAR STAND FOR MY ACOUSTIC FOR CHRISTMAS. OR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. PLS PLS PLS. OK DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUITAR. THANKS. I LOVE YOU.

i'm now addicted to all the same by sick puppies. and its really only one line.

wrong or right,
black or white,
when i close my eyes,
its all the same.

those lines really mean alot. well for me anyhow. think about it. or rather, dont.

its all not coming back to me

hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><

on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.

looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.

there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.

i'm incoherent.

i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.

touchdown

i'm back. who cares?

the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.

aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.

you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.