somehow, someway, i must supress the inate rage in me. theres no way to get rid of it, i know. its in my bloody genes. all i can do, is to try my very best to supress it, to contain it. i mean, really its all i can do.
i'm in a terrible position. i'm in a position where i know that even if i dont put in the effort, i can still scrape through, i can still get by, and because of that, i never want to put in the effort. that sucks. its stopping me from doing better than i am doing, its stopping me, period. i really dont know how i can change that. fuck lah.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
OH BABY BABY, I WAN YOU TO KNOW...
THATS IT IS FICKING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i am happy. i tink. aniwae gd luck fri ppl, though i don tink any of them read my blog, but yea gd luck. i am tempted to quote humin but i shall not.
Monday, April 23, 2007
WARNING!!!
BEFORE NAD GETS TO SAY ANYTHING AND DESTROY MY REPUTATION AS A HUMAN BEING, LEMME SAY FIRST: THANK YOU NAD PLS PLS PLS DON TELL THE WHOLE WORLD.................................................
THX.
THX.
THX.
ARGH I DUNNO WHERE TO HIDE MY FACE ANYMORE. THIS IS RETRIBUTION LAH.
THX.
THX.
THX.
ARGH I DUNNO WHERE TO HIDE MY FACE ANYMORE. THIS IS RETRIBUTION LAH.
Friday, April 20, 2007
you know you are stressin out when
- smells like teen spirit smells like teen shit ok no. when the song makes u stressed. wth
- u think that stress balls stress
- flying things start appearing out of nowhere, haunting your every typed word
- the meteor shower never seems to appear
- u take 20 mins to write 20 words, which you then proceed to delete in 20 secs. repeat process.
- the thing u say most often on msn is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- the reply you get is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- you start considerin the fact that you may be a teletubby in disguise
- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- it takes 3 and a half showings to get your mono anywhere near decent (with a high possibility that it isnt)
- you're more focused on a lj tag den ure bloody cc (a stupid tag specifically)
- you think about drowning yourself in ketshup
- when u write a post like this.
- u think that stress balls stress
- flying things start appearing out of nowhere, haunting your every typed word
- the meteor shower never seems to appear
- u take 20 mins to write 20 words, which you then proceed to delete in 20 secs. repeat process.
- the thing u say most often on msn is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- the reply you get is "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
- you start considerin the fact that you may be a teletubby in disguise
- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- it takes 3 and a half showings to get your mono anywhere near decent (with a high possibility that it isnt)
- you're more focused on a lj tag den ure bloody cc (a stupid tag specifically)
- you think about drowning yourself in ketshup
- when u write a post like this.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
my gutted sorry
which is harder?
to like someone you love,
or to love someone you like?
times are horrendous. theres something about the whole atmosphere of life that just aint happening right now. everything feels so damn wrong. the rain doesnt rain right, the sun doesnt shine right. but i guess its not anyone's fault, only mine.
its really depressing, to think that we could possibly not be able to rectify our flaws. are our flaws inborn? are they coded in our genes and hence forever there? if it were, i find it a very scary proposition. i mean, people in general are propogating bad genes. every child that is born, he is but the manisfestation of mankind's faults and imperfections. but no i shall not think about these stuff. i try very hard not to. i dont want to lose hope in life so early on.
i'm not sure i'm ready, i'm not sure when i'll be, i'm not sure if i'll ever be.
i need something to distract myself. i need a change in perspective. i just need, something. i'd go as far as to say anything, but i dont think that'd be a gd idea. but right now, i'd settle for alot of things. do i need something to make me happy? i dunno, i really dont. i think i could settle for something that wouldnt necessarily make me happy, but that just distracts me. what would make me happy? gettin to know my hot neighbour? probably. getting pedals? probably. its all stuff that wont happen anytime soon or at all. so whats the point? i hope, i really do, that this is just another phase, and that it'll be gone after another few days.
at the end of it all, what really matters is who's left to tell the story.
to like someone you love,
or to love someone you like?
times are horrendous. theres something about the whole atmosphere of life that just aint happening right now. everything feels so damn wrong. the rain doesnt rain right, the sun doesnt shine right. but i guess its not anyone's fault, only mine.
its really depressing, to think that we could possibly not be able to rectify our flaws. are our flaws inborn? are they coded in our genes and hence forever there? if it were, i find it a very scary proposition. i mean, people in general are propogating bad genes. every child that is born, he is but the manisfestation of mankind's faults and imperfections. but no i shall not think about these stuff. i try very hard not to. i dont want to lose hope in life so early on.
i'm not sure i'm ready, i'm not sure when i'll be, i'm not sure if i'll ever be.
i need something to distract myself. i need a change in perspective. i just need, something. i'd go as far as to say anything, but i dont think that'd be a gd idea. but right now, i'd settle for alot of things. do i need something to make me happy? i dunno, i really dont. i think i could settle for something that wouldnt necessarily make me happy, but that just distracts me. what would make me happy? gettin to know my hot neighbour? probably. getting pedals? probably. its all stuff that wont happen anytime soon or at all. so whats the point? i hope, i really do, that this is just another phase, and that it'll be gone after another few days.
at the end of it all, what really matters is who's left to tell the story.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
wash away those tears, little girl
it is quite an unfamiliar feeling, to be angry, frustrated, pissed, irritated, agitated, and yet, all that come out, are tears.
i hate it, more than anything else i hate how hopeless it all seems. its almost as if there is no way out, nothing to do but just to wait out this storm. and its a terrible situation to be in. every turn is a wrong turn, every step is a wrong step. how does one escape a reality like this?
i hate it, more than anything else i hate how hopeless it all seems. its almost as if there is no way out, nothing to do but just to wait out this storm. and its a terrible situation to be in. every turn is a wrong turn, every step is a wrong step. how does one escape a reality like this?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
flatter and deceive
and at the end of it all, i'll still be letting someone down.
if it aint you, if it aint them, then its just me.
if it aint you, if it aint them, then its just me.
AN ARMS RACE
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. nadia amuses me.
i find it quite sad. maybe i have a hate gene or smthn, but somehow i just cant like, u noe, just like people. somehow, somewhere, i always find something to hate about a person.
if only things were easier, if only things were simpler.
but what can one do, dwelling on all the ifs?
after all, life moves on, with or without you.
i find it quite sad. maybe i have a hate gene or smthn, but somehow i just cant like, u noe, just like people. somehow, somewhere, i always find something to hate about a person.
if only things were easier, if only things were simpler.
but what can one do, dwelling on all the ifs?
after all, life moves on, with or without you.
Monday, April 09, 2007
highness dooms me
eeek i havent blogged in like, 2 million years. bleh. i hate life in its totality.
sigh. its just, everything's happening all over again. lifes this really vicious cycle that keeps coming around to screw you over. and i dunno. will there come a point when i'll jus break? its scary to even entertain that thought, but i cant help it.
i'd be lying if i said i wasnt at all afraid.
if i cant even enjoy the simple things in life, how can i expect to ever be happy? i dunno. i really dont. i somehow wish i had, or someone had some kind of answer.
eh wadeva. i'm too tired to pour out all my sorrows onto a random page of words called a blog. its too queer.
sigh. its just, everything's happening all over again. lifes this really vicious cycle that keeps coming around to screw you over. and i dunno. will there come a point when i'll jus break? its scary to even entertain that thought, but i cant help it.
i'd be lying if i said i wasnt at all afraid.
if i cant even enjoy the simple things in life, how can i expect to ever be happy? i dunno. i really dont. i somehow wish i had, or someone had some kind of answer.
eh wadeva. i'm too tired to pour out all my sorrows onto a random page of words called a blog. its too queer.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
post 500
so this is post 500. well.
i realise that personally, theres something very comforting about just coming to my own blog and just, lingering around.
its almost as if its a different world altogether. a different state of reality. somwhere nowhere nearby, somehow i can just escape from myself.
somewhere to be...
i realise that personally, theres something very comforting about just coming to my own blog and just, lingering around.
its almost as if its a different world altogether. a different state of reality. somwhere nowhere nearby, somehow i can just escape from myself.
somewhere to be...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
frustration ball
sometimes i wonder if like, everyone is keeping this monstrously huge secret from me. its like, life's trying to cheat me. but of course thats not the case. compared to so many other things around, i am insignificant. no one cares about my secret.
there are so many things i could wish for.
i think there always comes a point in time everything just looks so dam bleak. everything somehow just seems to have to go wrong.
i wonder just how long we'll be able to hold on
i suppose we all just gotta hang in there. no one ever said it was going to be easy. its just, overwhelming sometimes, tho nowadays its more like most of the time. its just, i wonder how long it'll go on, before someone finally snaps.
there are so many things i could wish for.
i think there always comes a point in time everything just looks so dam bleak. everything somehow just seems to have to go wrong.
i wonder just how long we'll be able to hold on
i suppose we all just gotta hang in there. no one ever said it was going to be easy. its just, overwhelming sometimes, tho nowadays its more like most of the time. its just, i wonder how long it'll go on, before someone finally snaps.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
are you really but one self?
i am terribly fascinated by queer things.
i am very fascinated by death. death, it does alot of things to people. and it very interestin to observe and analyse it all. the way people deal with death is a very fascinating topic. i mean, different people deal with death differently. some drink or take drugs, trying to ignore it, some try to hide it away and pretend like nothing happened, some wallow in their despair, and who knows what else others do. and its fascinating.
and the thing about death, it has a tendency to change people. its evident in real life, or if u dont see it, people write about it. books, forums, movies, everywhere, death is present. particularly in books. i always enjoy a good book that concerns death or murder or the like. its fun to plot the character's emotional and sometimes psychological journey through the story.
sigh i'm losing my mind i think. and i'm rather quite very stoned due to very long days and very little sleep the past few days.
you know i thought about it. if someone did write a book about me, i'd want to read it, but i really dont know what to expect. its quite a scary thought.
i am very fascinated by death. death, it does alot of things to people. and it very interestin to observe and analyse it all. the way people deal with death is a very fascinating topic. i mean, different people deal with death differently. some drink or take drugs, trying to ignore it, some try to hide it away and pretend like nothing happened, some wallow in their despair, and who knows what else others do. and its fascinating.
and the thing about death, it has a tendency to change people. its evident in real life, or if u dont see it, people write about it. books, forums, movies, everywhere, death is present. particularly in books. i always enjoy a good book that concerns death or murder or the like. its fun to plot the character's emotional and sometimes psychological journey through the story.
sigh i'm losing my mind i think. and i'm rather quite very stoned due to very long days and very little sleep the past few days.
you know i thought about it. if someone did write a book about me, i'd want to read it, but i really dont know what to expect. its quite a scary thought.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
the bastard gene
today, i have decided to blog a proper, possibly quite long, and hopefully mostly accurate and logical blog entry. of course assuming i dont end up going off some place else and never get this finished, as is the common occurence.
first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.
ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.
secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.
thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.
fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.
ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.
i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.
sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?
seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!
and yes i do possess the bastard gene.
first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.
ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.
secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.
thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.
fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.
ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.
i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.
sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?
seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!
and yes i do possess the bastard gene.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
YAYYYYYYYYY
omg omg omg my cast is GONE!!! i am like, ecstatic. altho my elbow still hurts but who fucking cares??
Sunday, March 25, 2007
looking on hard, hoping that we can move on
i have been rather mood-less the past few days. its quite strange really.
and i really need to stop listenin to famous last words...
and i really need to stop listenin to famous last words...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
too bad son
its quite sad really. i mean, its the things that matter that always seem so difficult. i mean, i have had may things better than others, but the things that i really really want, i somehow never get. maybe its life's way of fucking with me u noe. give me the good stuff, deprive me of the great stuff. or am i jus being selfish? in a way i think i am. i mean, i have had a pretty gd life, compared to others. but still... haiz.
its just, i want some things so so so badly...
its just, i want some things so so so badly...
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