tell me

i cant do it alone.

rahh.

i need to change. i really really need to. i need to make myself just do things, and not think about stuff so much. i've come to realise, there is no need to intellectualise everything, there is no need to make everything make sense. sometimes, i suppose its actually better if things dont make sense, and to just do. sometimes my thoughts scare me. maybe thats how nightmares come about.

i am jealous, lah.

absurdity in reality

i want fireworks at my wedding. if i can afford it.

OTHER THAN THAT I NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE FIREWORKS EVER AGAIN.

singaporeans. tsk .

non-ego

you are fucking stupid.

you have a problem, and you know it. why cant you just deal with it?? you try to act all so cool, like nothing matters to you, like you dont care, but i know you do. deep down inside, you do care, dont you? and all those excuses you keep making, all you do is you keep putting things off. sooner or later, it'll come back to haunt you. why? cos you're stupid. quit pretending, cos i can see right through you. i will mock you every time i can, seeing you all alone, for i have no sympathy for you. you've brought all these upon yourself.

desmond, you deserve it.

trapped in a cardboard box

shit lah. i am gettin depressed. my stash of honey stars has run out, snow flakes just doesnt cut it. i suspect i may be making excuses for myself just like i always do. running running as fast as i can.

how hard is it to say sorry?
lets find out...

|

i detest pw so much its not funny anymore.

wth lah. its like, life life life life PW!!! life life life PW!!!! life life PW!!!! life. LIFE EFFING SUCKS. ugh hate pw. i mean, i've got nothing against my group, nothing against my topic, yadda yadda yadda, but the whole concept of pw is stupid. moronic. its like having grass on a basketball court, or playing checkers with popcorn. ITS FUCKING STUPID.

RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok objectiveness is key. i shall observe objectively the nature of pw.
assumption 1: pw promotes group work.
yes it does. it promotes group quabbling, arguments, yes it does. pw is directly contrary to human nature. humans are not meant to work together. humans are selfish creatures. the only time they can work in groups is when its voluntary, and absolutely necessary. pw flouts these 2 very basic rules of human nature. stupid, isnt it?
assumption 2: pw encourages students to look at real life situations.
of course it does. and real clever too, we slog slog slog, waste hours and hours of time stressing and working, to PLAN something, that we will never carry out! clever isnt it! so in real life when we go out there to work, we'll just keep planning events, we'll keep on slogging our lives away, so as to come up with a plan we wont carry out! great!

ugh. objectiveness is a lie. i wan my soccer. i hate pw. i want my honey stars. pw can go and fucking die.

lie lie to my american pie

hm ok. hm ok. hm ok.

i suspect theres something interesting and philosophical and complex about multiple repetitions. things in 3s must have some meaning. like why die die die instead of die? or shit shit shit instead of shit?

honestly, there are alot of things i dont get. i should jot down some of my stuff so i dont forget:
- uhh, something about society and something. OH YES! tv, drama, reality tv etc. our perception and understanding of society etc necessarily shaped by images of society we associate with. with tv taking a greater control of alot of our lives, are we losing touch with what society 'really' is? or is society evolving towards the one(s) seen on tv? (i need to think)
- um, there was something about dream analysis yes?
- is the choice of making a choice the most basic, fundamental choice of all?
- dealing with the self before dealing with others (hey if summer can do it, so can i OKAY.)
- national day. importance, absurdity, necessity -> basics of forging a nation and keeping it together -> submitting of will to a greater power -> reinforcement of ideals as a form creating/instilling knowledge

:| is cute

OH JOY!

down with the sickness

the important thing about identity is that it breeds a sense of belonging. to a place, to an ideal, to someone etc. and thats why having a clearly defined identity is important. it instantly sets down various parameters on how you should act, the things you say, even the way you think. and with that identity, it is akin to an entry pass to particular social circles.

and honestly, while i believe the concept of a 'new' identity is plausible, i dont think it is very feasible. i mean, identity is all about what people associate you with. and if you adopt an identity that people cannot associate with, that becomes a problem doesnt it? how do you even clearly define this new identity of yours? 'new' identities seem to be more relevant in the long run, so i suppose maybe we're looking for pioneers.

my point is, often i feel lost in who i am.

lessons to learn, lies to spill

i must learn how to act is a more smart, clever, logical, decent way.

heoheoheoheoheo

honestly, like honestly honestly, i think i am on the path towards madness. or maybe not madness, just some mental condition of some sort. chances are its gonna be schizophrenia. and the funny part is i'm not sure it really scares me much. i mean there must be some way to prescribe it rite. weird hardly covers it. weird is a stupid word. weird should be put in the Official Stupid Words Dictionary, along with words such as meaning and lame and stupid and smart etc. stupid words indeed. fuck stupid words they should all die. really, who needs stupid words? ok maybe stupid people need stupid words. fine i shall be a sensitive twit. there is evidently a use for stupid words.

i know this feeling. hwachong -.- actually i dont. is it freaking me out? no. maybe thats the screwed up part. i must be feeling something, but strangely i dont. i know what i'm thinking, but i'm not sure if thats what i want to be thinking about it. how? i mean, the world has enough benjis and joes at the damn moment. annoying shits.

my point just now was that i'm losing the plot. then again, i suppose i always do. but no seriously, somethings not right. if u havent noticed, good for you! :) whats the point lah, in the end its going to end up in some stupid endless struggle with the self. so stupidly moronic. necessary? it seems all the necessary things in life are stupid and moronic and partly pointless.

i need a funky cool way of ending this post. lemme think.

bah black bah sheep.

nuggets

i have a question.

can a person change who he or she is? i mean, how much of a person's personality, how much of his or her character, just how much is ingrained deeply into a person, such that nothing can change that? i think everyone should have to answer that question. and what if those, i dunno, core values, what if those clash? its like biting into a chicken nugget and realising its peanut inside, which just happened to me. does that mean that i will forever be stuck with all these internal conflict? will the peanut and the chicken never go away? i'd like to think that its like those weird math things, where one zero is more domineering than the other zero. i mean, its more comforting to know that even in things that are beyond our control, we can still exercise some very little form of control over it. wait that statement is flawed. we are not technically exercising any conscious control over it, rather its just that these core values have their own way of dealing with each other. so do we then just leave them to sort themselves out? how long can a person wait, before it is too late?

i am hungry. i need another nugget. well, 'nugget'.

blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb

I need some form of self evaluation.

I wish I knew someone like house. That would be way too cool.

I think I sense increased brain activity in my upper cranium. Wonderful.

There should be some definite way of classifying people. Fear, desires, aspirations etc. Something than cannot be empirically measured, if that is the term (I'm not sure it is). Okay i misuse the term classifying. This is not about classification; it is more like qualifying people. People can be easily quantified - age, height, race, weight, sex, eyesight etc. However I feel there is a need to be able to qualify people, Maybe that is the only way we can truly get to know a person, to be able to look past all the things that can be quantified, and to look for the things that can only be qualified.

There is a problem with this, in that it assumes human interaction to be structured. Here I am assuming that people first look at the so called outer layers, before getting to the inner layers. This is the same as saying that each person is an onion, we all have multiple layers, and to be able to reach the inner layers, one must first get past the outer layers. I would think this to be the normal idea. However, I wish to question this. What if people are in fact not onions? Personally, I do not believe that people are onions. Rather, I think people are more like those fortune wheels we spin at fairs or at lucky draws. However, people are not just any wheel, we are tweaked, tampered wheels. What the arrow eventually points to will depend on the person spinning it.

I much prefer this view of people and human interaction. Why? The onion-view scares me a little, because what it seems to say is that if people try hard enough, and if people know how to, they can eventually strip a person down right to his or her core. The onion will eventually be reduced to onion strips. And honestly? I don't want to be a bowl of onion strips. With the wheel-view, what it seems to say is that people can be selective about who they are. The wheel appears to be fair, but in fact it is not, but only you know it. The wonderful thing about the wheel-view is that it can be manipulated, such that you can allow someone to know everything about you and who you are, or nothing at all. However, the wheel-view is of course based on the assumption that every individual section (vector is the more mathematical term I think, but i am most probably wrong) is filled. Which in many cases, I think they are not, which makes using the wheel-view incomplete and thus flawed.

There is a flaw with this whole argument. What I am here trying to do is to use the onion-view to generate the wheel-view, to some extent. Which then means this argument cannot hold, and thus falls apart.

Splat.

poor you poor me

omg. i just realised that i grew up watching lame ass chi variety shows, chi news, crappy chi dramas and, gasp! 出路 O_O

wtf.

burn it into my memory

and just like that, the moment is gone.

forever? lets hope not.

there's a sense of inquisition,
beyond all the affirmation.
knowing that beyond the bright lights,
there lie a thousand nights.

fuck parentage lah

inherently lonely.

i think, from an economists point of view, being lonely is the best state condition yet.

nets with loopholes

i'm in the happiness-is-a-lie kind of mood.

cant you tell?

doors and chairs

i have a problem.

and i dont know how to deal with it. it has something to do with arrogance, inferiority, jealous, fear, selfishness, who knows what else.

its like trying to fight an invisible enemy. you know he's there, but you're not sure where. so you cant attack, all you can do is to keep swinging that sword and running around, hoping that you somehow hit him, and making sure he cant hit you. its as simple as that.

or not.

indeed the moron

i wish life were like a story book, a great book of fiction, a potter on stilts. then everything would be just right.

you make my heart boil

ARGH. i am so irritated right now, i feel like screaming at everything that remotely bothers me. like my damn mother, so bloody annoying. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

i cant stand dirty players. i really cant, cos its so frustrating to know that you lost not cos they beat u clean, but cos they beat you dirty. its just unsatisfying. and it hurts to, to look at all the work and pain and everything we have to go through, just for some stupid refs to screw it all up. we've sweat, people have bled, pushed all over place, tripped, everything dirty you can think of, and they just blatantly get away with it. fuck lah. just, argh thinking of it makes me want to smash something.

john muk must die. hahahahahaha muk hahahahahhahaha

channel 56

why oh why, do we cry and cry,
seek and seek, for the bleak and weak.

i am annoyed by my lack of elec guitaring. ugh. stupid broken stuck string thingus. argh. i miss the sounds of distortion coming out of my amp very very very much. bleh distortion i miss u :(

i have yet to realise just how much i have to do. lemme see. i have to find 2 texts, work on both of them, get out a duo and a design i/s (wtf). tournament is ending so that shouldnt be too much of a problem. ok wait wait i need a list.

1. tsd - duologue, need to find text, work on text, do text. i/s, need to find text, decide on i/s, do the damn thing. study godot. read up alot more on theatre. god theres so much to do.
2. floorball - ok tournaments ending so this shouldnt be thaaat much of a problem.
3. math- ah fuck lah.
4. econs - see above.
5. ki i/s - shit. what the hell i'm suppose to do i have no idea.
6. piano - insert expletives here. exam in less than 2 months and i'm sooo going to fail.
7. jamming - need a bassist. need to find time to jam. need to jam. need to write. need to record, eventually.
8. me too people - DINNER. argh i miss those people.
9. whatever else there is left. which is alot. ALOT. its so funny how one thing can be everything and everything can be one thing.

see? i'm screwed.








i wonder about something: who the hell am i blogging for exactly? and i have come to a conclusion that i blog for myself. to like, come back and read. well i dont know alot of all these rubbish just come out like that. i mean, who actually reads all these crap. other people's blogs are so much more interesting anyway. its probably my little means of escaping, the whole escapism notion, seeking comfort in the fact that there is indeed something beyond the shit that is reality, somewhere we can go to and escape from everything else. virtual therapy. must be kind of great yea. and half the time i think the things are do are so selfish, because all i'm doing is just amusing myself. who cares?