sometimes, i really just want to be happy.

if only just for awhile...

everyone's got their own flaws. that's what makes us different from each other. and i mean, sometimes it is very hard to deal. sometimes it does get too much, where you just feel like giving up, where you just feel like letting lose all that pent up frustration. its so easy to say that we should tolerate. the question really is, how much does one tolerate?

i like to judge people. that's the honest truth. i like to judge people, to make sense of the relationships, everything. do i adopt the position of someone greater, someone superior? i dont think i do. i hope i dont. i wonder how much people judge me. i wonder if people judge me as much as i judge myself. is judgement bad? is it wrong to pass judgement? i dunno, it depends i guess. it can be argued that it is our judgement that determines who we are. like, what you like, what you dislike. its all judging isnt it? but at the same time, judgement can be "wrong". i think its not so much the judgement, but rather if we act on those judgements. by taking action i think we're bringing it pass just the act of judging.

i dont know if i have a sense of what's right and wrong. my mind works weirdly. i dont know if i'm in any position to judge people.

turning 18 soon. man, that must feel good.

thank goodness we now have a fantabulous group piece.

(i will attempt a longer more coherent blog post when my mind becomes longer and more coherent)

how can we win, when fools can be king?

fuck pop up ads.

she's slipping away once more.

i am confused. i keep having that same feeling over and over again. its just the feeling of no knowing who you are or what you are. sigh. i can still remember everything quite vividly. i dont think it will go away. not any time soon at least. you know, maybe i never did quite move on.

mmmh what you say...

i dont know what i want. or maybe that aint true. i know what i want. i cant decide what i want more. i know i cant want everything, that's just selfish and naive. i suspect i've got all my priorities all messed up. both by myself and also by others. i mean, i think everyone is set expectations. really, some of them are ridiculous. i mean, i know i'm being very selfish and short-sighted, but thing is, if i really dont want to do it, if i dont enjoy it at all, then what's the point?

you know, i keep asking myself so many questions, but i can never find any answers for them. i'm waiting for people to tell me what to do, because i'm just too afraid to take a stand.

i have issues. i dont think i can get along with myself very well. its becoming something of a problem. for quite long, i just have had to tolerate, to endure. i dont know, am i to be condemned for occasionally snapping? i probably am too proud to say sorry, but i am. i just wish people knew that. and i mean, looking at the stuff i've got to take, i dont want to whine and say that it is only fair, but i think it is. oh well. i'm just being all self-centred again.

absolution is upon us.
before you know it,
you're awake once more.

it makes my heart beat a little bit quicker,
lets me forget i'm hanging on to life-support.

the sooner this is all over, the better. i cant wait for ns. i really really cant wait. i mean, 2 years of being away from home!! how wonderful is that!

sigh. it really does piss me off. and well, the sad part is that i know it is in me also. and i dont know if i can control it. its like a monster eating away from within, yet at the same time attacking from outside.

and i'm hanging on to a heartbeat, waiting to pass my time.

gosh, why are you so stubborn?? you're greatest shortcoming will be the fact that you never dare to step up. and you know it, right? something's gotta change if you want to get anywhere at all.

time to stand up for what you want...

sigh. my heart isnt in it anymore. its been that way for very long now. i mean, its just not what i want to do. i'm not running my race, i'm running theirs. there's no more motivation, no more drive. i'm just plodding on, step by step, hoping to get far away enough for them to forget.

you're number has been called.

sigh, i think its happening once more.

so, this is post 700. its been awhile hasnt it. wasnt too long ago that we were all young and naive.

i would just like to say that i am really fucked for my tsd and ki is/es, not to mention groups prelims in six freaking weeks. and a stupid piano reexam to top everything off.

-insert multiple swear words here-

mon like, totally rocked.

i find it quite amusing how when you read freshman blogs, they all seem to have an impression that they have "classrooms". like, the classroom is 'theirs', they have a particular 'seat', its all rather amusing i must say. its just, strangely naive and quite honestly funny. i suppose they havent yet been immersed in jc life to understand what it is like. i guess the thing about classes in jc is that, without a fixed classroom, you lose a sense of belonging, which in turn might result in the loss of a group identity. which then makes you have to work harder to use other means to maintain and feed that identity.

and for how long?

i'm going to pretend that i cannot hear a sound,
so that i may live without seeing you smile.
practice makes perfect in this world of imperfection.
now that it's all said and done,
i can go on making the same mistakes as before.
just to prove to myself that i was wrong,
give myself one more shot at redemption.

i somehow think i am losing it. it just doesnt feel quite right anymore. i am in a strange position. its weird, because i've never felt senior before. there's never been that kind of, i dunno, false sense of responsibility. suddenly, there's so much more to think about. suddenly, it isnt just all about me anymore. suddenly, i've got to be something more.

or maybe i'm just cheating myself, pretending that they actually care.

watch one after another, duh, its part 1 and part 2.

6 posts to 700. and it only keeps on moving on.

well, orientation has thus far been a blast. i'd like to sound a lot happier and more, you know, crazy, but its just rather unlike me. or is it?

so anyway, orientation has thus far been a blast. have been having a lot of fun, going crazy and all. havent had quite this much fun in a long time. and thank god for orientation lah, at least can start of this horrible year well. 08 is going to be a reaaaaaaally long year.

i am really damn long winded. this is bad. i need a new start, a new means of getting ahead in life. as of right now, i am so not ahead.

i realise, there are many different kinds of blogs. personal blogs that is, not like, spluch or aal or the like.

http://www.atomfilms.com/2008/kung_fu_election/index.jsp - AWESOME!!

anyway, yes back to blogs. well, i suppose some people blog for others to read. like, they know people read their blog, so they've got to sorta tell people stuff that is happening. and suppose reading those kinds of blogs, at least its interesting cos you can like find out about what people are doing, and gain an insight into their lives. i think those kinds of blogs also have better emotional presentation, in the sense that its easier to tell how the person feels. i suppose those kind of blogs are more spontaneous in a sense, because people will always blog after something happened, when everything is still fresh.

and then there are blogs that, i dunno, people blog for no one really. i think mine's sort of liddat. its more pensive, more reflective, definitely more sombre. there's alot less telling of what happened, rather there's more thinking and reflecting going on. actually i dont know if this is true, its just more what i think about my blog. i think i blog for me lah. it helps me to clear out my thoughts, sometimes i rant, sometimes i mope, sometimes i just blog cos i'm too damn bored. but i think it also acts as a kind of journal, in the sense that at least for me, i can chart how i've developed by looking at my archives. the way we blog, the things we blog about, it all changes i think.

there's no saying which one is better. i mean, they both have their own good points. i think its probably good to have a little bit of both. but then again, that may be asking too much. then again, maybe this analysis of blogs is too general. i mean, i think its overly simplistic to say that all personal blogs fall under 2 distinct categories. i mean, i am pretty sure there is alot of grey area.

but what matters most, is that we belief in what we say, and we dont hold back on how we feel.

i suspect one could argue that any act not motivated by the want to progress and advance, is hence an act wasted.

well, do meaningless emails then become inconsequential? after all, the email hardly seeks to push for advancement or progression of any sort. all it does is reaffirms what we already know. then, reminders are hence rendered meaningless. is that what we want society to become?

i feel that we need to question ourselves. maybe we are too caught up in this system of ours, so obsessed with advancement and reaching the top of the pile, that we forget not only the right way to get there, but also we forget to pull the people behind us along with us.

i think that may just be the greatest lesson from this week.

and so it begins.

listen up my fellow beings, together, we shall strive for greater heights!
no matter how often we may fall, we will always pick ourselves up again!
why? because we can! because we must!
listen to the calling from within your heart.
find the will to crawl even when your legs are wasted.
together, we will be king!

its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.

yet another rubiks cube for the collection

the beauty of it all is, sometimes, it really is that simple. i wonder if they'll ever know, if they'll ever understand. you know, everyone may say it is complicated, but no matter how many layers we put on, no matter how much we hide, deep down inside its all quite the same. i think we all want the same thing, its just that we are too afraid of wanting the same thing as other people.

of course, the reality of the situation is that fairy tales never do come true. does that stop people ni believing in them? of course not! fairy tales give people hope, and no matter how far-fetched they may be, there is that single underlying utopian quality that binds them all together. honestly, i think its so much easier to write grim stories. because if you think about it, life can really be that horrible. one could argue those stories reveal the truth about life, the horror of humanity, and the fact that we humans can and will be inherently evil. fairy tales want us to think that beyond the evil and horror, deep down inside we are, just barely, a little good. everyone loves a bad guy, but everyone loves a bad guy come good even more. and somehow, that must be what we all are chasing. a chance at redemption.

within all that rubbish, there must be some meaning in it.

the year is coming to an end. can u believe it?? the year (for a moment i typed world) is freaking coming to an end!!

omg.

i dont know if i'll have time to reflect. there's so many things to do. and yet i want to reflect. i need to, i really do.

there's so much to cover, so much to remember.

its amazing how much difference a year makes. it seemed like just yesterday when we first walked in, and now today we stand so tall. what a load of crap.

i think i've forgotten, because i'm struggling to recall.

what i need is more time. everyone needs more time. its ridiculous. time is endless and infinite, yes it refuses to give people more. thats just selfish you know. whoever created this system obviously ruled a totalitarian regime.

democracy is the future, insanity is the now.

the truth might just be fading away. does it scare me? yes, of course it does. its fucking freaking me out. the feeling of helplessness and being loss, its strange. and extremely discomforting.

no one's reading the clues of your fairytale end.

do i know what i'm doing? of course not. will i regret what i am doing? of course. do i understand the consequences of my actions? of course not. so what then, am i doing? and more importantly, why??

keep a lid on the face of time.

at some point, something really is going to have to give. no way can this silence last forever, nor should we ever let it.

pull them aside, speak to their minds.

to put it very simply, the task at hand is one of epic proportions. why? because it the highly complex mechanically enhanced manufacturing and reconstructing process. several key precautions must be followed, to ensure the quality of the eventual product will not be terminally compromised. its frighteningly simple and implicit to give instructions. its how you make people listen to them that really counts.

all this shit, just to hide the fact that i am weak.

the scary part about blogs is, one, you never know who is reading. and two, you never know who actually understands. i dont like that. i really dont. its like, ripping someone's lungs from their body, yet leaving his stomach behind. it just isnt right isit?