do you remember when no one's here anymore?

hello my non-existant reader, welcome to my blog. first of all, i do warn you that you really are non-existant. second of all, i really am an attention seeking loner, with nothing better to do with his life. of course, you could argue that i am lying. but let us all assume that i am not.

i do not speak in riddles, for there is no point. no one reads, no one understands, no one belabors my point.

i make no attempt to be coherent, nor incoherent. what i say might just be what i am, although i am never sure. that must surely be the beauty of it all. everything is changing all the time. i'm like jello and you are my bowl.

i concede that i am an imperfect flaw. we are all little bits to a non-existant puzzle. god doesnt have time to make jigsaw puzzles.

i dream alot these days. too much, i might say. i dont know what i havent dreamt about. everyone has appeared, teachers, friends, parents, aliens, ghosts, you, you, you, you, you, you and of course, you.

i am not the same anymore. think back 26 years. do you remember what it was like back then? dont worry, neither do i.

i worry, of course i worry. i worry because i know where it might go wrong. i dont live life thinking everything will be alright.

i think about it all the time. there's no other way. yes, its been tough, its been horrible, nightmarish. but its all that is keeping me alive.

hello my non-existant reader. i am glad you take an interest in my life.

sigh

i am so tired. of having to do the same thing over and over again. why cant people give more a damn? i am so sick of it, so sick of them. sigh.

i know, looking back, i will have so many regrets. i already do. and i always wanted to live without having any regrets. it seems, that no longer can be the case. too many doors have opened and closed, and i dont know if they'll ever open again.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch cuz you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

i am extremely annoyed. i have no patience for these trivial irritants. argh. i dunno whats wrong, whether isit the new computer, the internet, the settings, the anti-virus, i dunno what. but its damn screwy. and i am freaking annoyed. its so hard to get anything done at all. i'm losing my threshold for tolerance.

its been a long time since i posted.
its been a long time since anything.
its been a long time since i've been fine.
its been a long time since i've been happy.
its been a long time since i've had freedom.
its been a long time since time didnt seem to speed by.
its been a long time since i looked forward to tomorrow.
its been a long time since i could speak.
its been a long time since anyone seemed to care.
its been a long time.
i know it has been.

dont know where i'm going, dont know where i've come.

how do i explain it to thee? it is the lack of purpose that is driving me crazy. its killing me, not knowing what i'm doing, not knowing where i'm headed. i cannot live every day the same way anymore. it all started when it started to end. you cant live life in a fishbowl when all you have is a cup. i've been searching so long, i'm not sure for what. but i know i have been searching.

i have felt the fatigue, the pain, the many days of suffering and salty tears. but still i get sand in my eyes, walk blindly into the dessert, with nothing but the pyramids in mind.

its nice to have things and people to capture my mind. all the colourful drawings, the beautiful sunsets, the never ending rainfall, your fleeting smile. little children and their innocent grins, flanked by the endless sea and sandy dreams.

no more excuses, you cowardly one. stand up for once, and make it count.

oh my god it is ridiculously stuffy and hot, even at 12.42 in the freaking night. i am melting.

when she sits there, holding the hand of her dying husband. he lies on bed, needing a machine to help him keep going. dressed in nothing more than simple pyjamas and traditional home wear. they are old, wrinkles line their faces. but its simple. to watch them, holding hands, simple unassuming gold bands on the 4th finger of their left hands, it breaks my heart.

yes, love exists.

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible


--
can we stand up for what we believe, when we dont even know what that is?

everything has a reason. we are all innately rational creatures.

i think the most important thing to learn is to know what you believe.

sigh

yes, it has been disappointing. i just hope we are not judged based on that.

maybe if i focus enough on the meaningless and superficial, i can ignore that which really matters.

the difference is that he takes it out on others. i take it out on myself. so we are different, after all.

yes, it is running away. but i cant help it. i've got nothing else to do. no one to lean on, nothing to catch me when i fall. all i can do is run and run, and never look back.

can i even stand up for what i believe?

you think i like it? you think i enjoy being angry? you think i like pissing people off, and making the world hate me?

just because he was right, doesnt mean he wasn't wrong.

fuck lah, not again.

forever, and ever.

and it is ok, after all. i do want to live an idealistic life, full of love and meaning and hope and everything i could possibly want. but in all honesty, what are the chances? i mean, its not that i fervently believe life is meaningless and pointless. i dont think that is true. i just feel that it helps to be aware that life isnt all that it is touted to be. to just know that, well, life does suck. not always, but it does. if we live everyday always believing and hoping blindly, then we are just being ignorant no?
i think its not so much what i want, but more of what i need. i'd like to think that i can look past all the insignificant material details. but can i? until i have tried, i dont think i'll ever know. its tough, because it is irrational. because sometimes it just doesnt make sense. and i kill myself trying to make sense of it. i think some part of me just cannot accept being clueless and lost. when you know, you can control, you are responsible for all the consequences, good or bad. but when you are not in control, so many other things could happen, for better or for worse, who is to say?
ever so often, i just get distracted. my mind wanders off to faraway places. sometimes, i wonder if it may never return. could i then change, and become someone else? but never has that happened. i never get lost, and my mind shouldn't. there's something pulling me back here. i cant ever really leave. yes, i could walk away, but my mind, my heart, my memories, they all will still stay here. and until i can free them, i can never leave. time will pass, as it always has.

will i be there through it all?

oh my god. i just watched possibly the best 40 mins of television drama ever.

judge. judgement. judge. judgement.

we all need to figure out what we're good at. i have a thing for judging people. i realise, that isnt really a good thing. just thinking and thinking and thinking. i cant help but judge. its all about patterns and anomalies. everyone has anomalies. finding them tells me why people are different. and yet at the same time, everyone has patterns. everyone has habits. everyone has preconceived notions of the self. once you can identify, that you can diagnose the disease.

why do you think i hide behind this face? its cos i dont want it t actually be me. its so much harder to speak as yourself than to speak for yourself through the mouth of another.

watching tv, pretending like i can run away from the shit that is reality.

what does a jaded, ignorant 18 year old know about love?