into the vortex

sigh

Dream Police

its not that i've forgotten it, or what it meant to me. 

rather, i've stopped having it mean everything to me. 

Pictures

its scary just how little i remember of when i was young. young as in before primary school kind of young. i'm looking through all these photos of when i was like 5, and i honestly remember so little... is it because it was never anything significant, or do i just have a really bad memory? there was nothing incredibly memorable i guess. i never broke any bones, i was never dropped on my head, nothing of the sort. i guess i was just like any other kid. normal. 

ok so blogging semi-hiatus to finish putting photos in the album and watch the new episode of house. 

sometimes i ask myself, what can i be proud of? i dont think i've ever done anything that i can feel really proud of. i dont organise charity events, i dont go around helping people, hell often i dont give a crap about anything other than myself. and i guess some part of me does feel rather ashamed. especially when i see people around me doing so much for other people. this is my mystery of humanity. we are all so different, even when we are supposed to be the same. we chase seperate dreams, we honour contradicting beliefs, only to prove we are different. i want something to be proud of. no, i need something to be proud of. i need something that, looking back 20 years down the road, i can remember 2009 with. 

i'm glad to have bothered to put photos in a photo album. it may not seem like much, but its a rather big deal for me. i never used to do these kinds of things. its scary. 2009 has been a very weird year for me. break out? life-changing? stupid? i've yet to experience enough to properly label year 2009. every year has a label, every year means something. so far, 2009 means a lot of things. i only need it to mean one thing. and that's hard. 

its very easy, feeling this small. 

because everyone needs schedules they cant follow

Routine Order for Monday, 150309

CDC - Pte Desmond Chan

0930 - Reveille

0945 - Fall in for 0BX

0950 - Breakfast

1000 - Self Admin

1200 - Lunch

1300 - Area Cleaning

1730 - Stand By Area

1800 - Prep to move out for dinner

2000 - Area Cleaning

2200 - Commence Internet Surfing 

0200 - Lights out

Safety message of the day:

Dont be stupid.

Hygiene message of the day:

Dont be stupid. 

Romeo and Juliet

http://www.gatecrash.com.sg/?page=event_detail&actionForm=detail&eventID=571

for whoever may be interested. 

The Chronicles of Desmond

occassionally, i live my life in film. its like taking a camera and looking in onto my life. its a queer feeling. i dont feel like my life is scripted, but i do often wonder what it would be like if it actually was. would i be interesting? would i have dramatic potential? would i sell?

then of course, the director yells cut, reality sets in, i dont move on, and life carries on. 

because there's time for everyone, even if time shall wait for no one

truth is, i'm happier now. its hard to admit it, but i think i am. i've got less to worry about, i've got significantly less to care about now. i'm so far away from everything. the disconnect has done me some good, even if it hasnt always been very pleasant. now i've got 10 odd days to reconnect with the world around me. i'm doing everything i can. of course i'm not perfect, and of course i cant make everyone happy, even if i may want to. 

but i'm changing. and i know it. i somehow feel that i have now a greater sense of morality, which is somewhat weird. do i like the newer me? i dont know, i dont think the newer me has really been tested yet. 

the past 2 house episodes have been very thought provoking. issues such as persona's, social contracts and all, these are after all facets of the human condition. and i think that's why house appeals so much to me. or rather it used to, and has now again found the old house glory. just like house, there's no real need for emotional drama and all. take that all away, and what you have a dissertation about the human condition. and that will always be fascinating. people will always be fascinating. 

no reason

my blog is so boring. 

ok ok update update. POP was awesome. well not that it really was, but rather the feeling of passing out was fantastic. i guess the end always feels good, cos you know you are now going to have stuff to look back on. of course some part of me misses it all. 

this block leave i think is coming at just the right time. i miss being me, i miss doing all the things i used to like to do. army has changed me, whether for better or for worse. 

this is such a loser-ish update. tsk. talk to me lah, i'm so much more interesting than my blog. 

A levels?

right grades, wrong subjects. but it doesnt matter. 

Dear God

oh dear. so many things are changing, i'm afraid i wont recognise things anymore. 

the appearance of the tick scares me. what happened to the glorious three stripes??? have we now given in to the enemy! condemnation be to the pok! 

its the things that you want to but are too scared to say that matter the most. 

living in circles

and he was just like any other guy. 

he could do things no better, and no worse. 

he had dreams of the impossible,

but reality was some harsh place. 

the memory plagued his existence,

more than the scars on his face. 

he was alone,

just as he has always been. 

he is incurably idealistic:

wanting to change the world,

wanting to fall in love,

hoping things will eventually be okay. 

but everything will not be alright.

life is merciless - we fall over and over again,

only so that life can laugh at us all the time.

but in that mockery we must find comfort - 

as long as we dont laugh at ourselves,

there is hope yet.

hope for a little redemption,

a little respite to quell the frightened minds. 

he was just a face in the crowd. 

for awhile, he had a name.

but one in a million is all he's got, 

the only chance at a life he would never else know. 

catching the last train

tiredness makes my brain go a little out of shape. i stop thinking properly, and things just come out strange. and i become even more forgetful... 

there are so many things i wish to say,

but there's just too little time for everyone. 

recently i've had more time to think about everything that has happened in the last 4 months. a ton of stuff happened, but army kinda robbed me of time to think about it properly and to just sort myself out. but ever since training started easing up, i've found the time to reflect properly. i'm making up for lost time. (somehow, i always feel that that is the case. there's never enough time, and yet there's so much to do.) 

its been a tiring weekend. a long long week too. its a little scary, imagining the fact that for two years i'm going to spend many weekends totally exhausted. the break away from life as i knew it, the gap that has been created, it never closes. 

i miss talking to people who understand. now, i dont expect anyone to. some part of me rather them not to. but i miss my friends. they mean the world to me. its scary thinking back to my ip days and how i thought i could survive withouts friends. i was so naive. but i think i've grown up a lot more now. 

i want to think i've become a better person, but i'm not sure i have. 

over the hump

an emotional mind makes irrational decisions. 

i think i'm over that. 

imagining the pain

come come now, follow the light. 

bury the body and free my sight. 

the past 2 weekends have been so short. but i wont complain, because i cant. i've learnt my lesson. 

who knows what's worth it anymore? 

the tough part is having to learn about yourself. critically re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself is a painful process, and it only comes with having time on your side. time seemingly exists on two different plains, the tekong plain and the mainland plain. on tekong time seems to stretch on forever, and yet back here on the mainland time passes in an instant. back to my point, which is that i've taken to figuring out myself better. i thought i had myself figured out, and in some ways i do. but i'm still learning more about myself. its not always about looking ahead and thinking about the present and future. sometimes it matters more to consider the present in relation to the past and see how the past may manifest itself in the future. 

ok am off to watch house, because it makes life worthwile. 

only when you're lonely

yes, it sucks big time. but what can i do? i guess its reached the point of resignation, and i just have to accept whatever that comes. there is nothing i can do to change things anyhow. 

we can always wish for so much more than we have. 

right now i'm just trying to get by. truth is, i hate bmt. i dont feel like i belong here. i dont know where i belong, but it isnt here. i just want it over as soon as possible. 

things are slowing down, even as they speed up. i think i'm slowly realising just how tough life can be away from the things that matter. i'm over the initial shock and everything. now its really just trying to deal with it. 

who knows when i'll be done complaining? 

right now i'm just so tired. and there is really no let up. i really wonder how i'm going to spend those 12 days of block leave. there's always so much more to do than the time i have. and i've been spending way too much. so much for keeping to my resolution of going out as little as possible. i've been going out every single weekend. i guess it may be time to start being a little more loner and just stay at home. but there's not much to do at home. and its lonely being at home. but then again, it can be lonely everywhere. 

things are starting to look up. even from my clothes i think i sense a change. there's now more colour, more variety, less worry. things arnt neccessarily simpler, but they are proving to be a little easier. no more guessing, in a way no more worrying even. there's nothing to think about, being on tekong. the brain stops. i hate it. 

i'm not sure i'll ever be used to a life like that. i need my freedom, i need my control. i could give up other things in exchange for some control over my own life, my own freedom. sadly there isnt a trade-off to be made. 

and everything still remains the same, even as we carry on into the sunset. 

so long and always so far

the problem is that i just dont have enough time to organise my thoughts and sort myself out. every weekend has been so rushed, its almost like army out of army. i still have timings to meet, i still have schedules, i still have to rush here and there, is there to be no reprieve? no, i dont think so. not for another 1 year and 10 months. 

25 random things, because i feel the need to blog something. 

1. a12 saved my life. i've spent the whole of today thinking about this, and there's no other way around it. a12 saved my life, rescued me from the shit i was turning into. 

2. i am extremely materialistic, but lack the financial capacity to actually be so. which leaves me in a very difficult position of wanting many things but actually possessing very little. which in turn leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction. 

3. i lie to myself a lot. often when i do so, i tell myself its alright, because i'm doing what's best for me and for whoever else may be involved. but even that may be a lie. its some part self-delusion, its some part an attempt at being happy, its some part escapism. but when you add it all up, its still nothing more than many lies parading to be half-truths, which ultimately count for nothing very much. 

4. i dont think people understand me. but i also dont think i'm as complicated as people may think i am. maybe its a fear of being normal. i guess i'm to blame, for trying to appear more complex than i may actually be. but then again, sometimes i dont understand myself either. 

5. i'm not a fan of personality assessments (such as 16p, eqi etc). i dont like how they objectively classify you. it is too simple, too brutally honest. 

6. unlike xtine, i think jc was the best thing that has happened to me. vip could possibly be at the same time be the worst and best thing, because it helped make my jc life the joy that it was. i think i can quite honestly say vip destroyed me in many ways, and jc rescued me. 

7. i think i'm in some kind of regressing phase in my life. i've recently taken to things symbolic of earlier periods of my life. take the mario fascination. who knows, maybe growing up neccessarily requires a period of regress, to look back at past facets of your life and better understand who you are and ultimately who you want to become. i believe the past shapes who you are in more ways than we care to want to believe. 

8. i have yet to form my opinion on life. so far i've been holding various opinions that arnt mine specifically, but rather variations of opinions that i've heard from different places. i believe everyone needs their Opinion On Life. their own OOL. but it takes time. of course it does. 

9. i'm happier now. no doubt. 

10. i've grown up a lot i think. i just havent had the time to determine just how much "a lot" is. 

11. uni will be the time i decide if i pursue music or not. there is no time before neither is there time after. 

12. army has been inculcating habits into me, such as wearing a watch, always rushing etc. irritating, really. 

13. i'm still afraid of labels, even now. and though i know its an inescapable reality, i still hate it. i guess that's why i keep trying to run away from them. but it seems they have a habit of chasing after me. and so the cat and mouse game goes on forever. 

14. i am still so selfish. everythings about me me me. i dont naturally and instinctively put other before myself. yes, i can do it, but its a conscious effort. my first instinct is still always self-preservation. which makes me selfish. 

15. i think i'm too demanding. i demand a lot of myself at times, i demand a lot of others, hell i demand a lot of life. its not fair. 

16. i always tend to think in terms of fair and not fair, and then dismissing them as pointless classifications because life isnt fair. life doesnt operate on a scale of 1 to 2. 

17. i need to better express my gratitude for people. 

18. i definitely inherited a lot of my dad's genes. i recognise and acknowledge that. now the difficult part is having to live with that. hopefully i wont commit the same kind of mistakes as he does. 

19. i think i'm still very restless when it comes to a lot of things. i've got nothing to hang on to, nothing to keep me calm and grounded. all the time i'm still drifting around, searching for new things to hang on to, seeking the next thrill ride, the next adrenaline rush. and when its over i'll move on again. its like the millenium falcon, hopping from galaxy to galaxy, with no place to call home. coruscant doesnt count, because it is the home of the universe, and hence home for no one. 

20. i beat around the bush a lot. i think the problem is that i dont have the confidence to just say things straight. i'm afraid of being wrong, or of messing things up. its easier to be ambiguous as one can easily cover up any mistakes. it takes courage to do black and white. i just keep doing grey. 

21. i am tired tired tired. 25 is a looooooong way away. 

22. i dont want to change the world. and i dont want to save the world. the world is beyond saving, and i have no messiah complex. however, it would be nice to contribute in a way that will help us progress as people, and especially as singaporeans. having said that, i do wish to be involved in the arts scene in singapore, whether theatre or music or whatever it may be. it is there i see the most potential.. singaporeans are a bunch worth saving, if only because they are the hardest to save. 

23. my sense of humour is very questionable. 

24. i wish i could draw. i always did, i still do, and i always will. 

25. i am a collector. 

castles made of cloud

and life could somehow go on, even if its never quite the same again

because at the end of it all, that's the only comfort that we've got

and forever

cos there's nothing like the memory of yesterday, the emptiness of today and the promise of tomorrow to always keep us going...