1000th post

transformers spoilers ahead, please do not be afraid.

transformers is like godot - nothing happens. lets face it, the show is all about supermassive explosions, cool robots and megan fox. the storyline, if you actually call it a storyline, is entirely ciruclar and pointless. optimus dies, optimus is revived. funky massive evil dude rises once more, funky massive evil dude dies. megatron comes back, megatron leaves. hero boy dies, hero boy comes back alive. nothing changes from the start of the movie! it ends exactly the way it ended, albeit a ton of US troops are dead (oh come on dont pretend anyone actually cares...). the movie should be retitled transformers: rise of godot. becket would be proud.

master

life happens in many unrepeatable phases.

the existential search for a sense of belonging

i'm still trying to figure out this whole fitting in a system thing.

yeah, it doesnt work, i know.

Showering Hypothesis

i have had my revelation on why i think so much and have so many brainwaves while showering. its the mind-body divide. having showered the exact same way for 19 yrs (more or less), its become muscle memory. so the mind doesnt have to think about what the body is doing. this allows the mind to wander, and therefore to wonder. and so all kinds of things come to mind. and yet why cant i commit anything to memory once i'm done showering? because the mind-body divide is lost. stepping out of the toilet, the mind must now control the body. there is no more routine, no more same old procedure. and so the mind is lost, lost controling the rampaging body. 

the world will keep changing, but showering always remains the same. 

for it will forever define my days

Bliss

pure pure pure pure amazing

Thoughts

so many things have been running through my head recently. 

today it was religion. 

today it was emotions.

today it was love. 

today it was death. 

today it was value. 

today it was pride. 

yesterday it was leadership.

yesterday it was purpose.

yesterday it was history. 

yesterday it was memory. 

tomorrow it will be book in. 

power is forever

1984 is beyond amazing. 

i've learnt many things. many things that matter, many things that will make a difference. 

its never being honest. it never was, never will be. but it used to be so scary. i dont like using "i" and "me" a lot, its like holding up a mirror against oneself. sometimes you dont need that scary image staring back at you. sometimes all you want is a photo frame, all you want is a picture of ignorant bliss staring back at you. 

its been a tough time. i dont think i've really realised how good life has been to me. oh come on, who am i kidding?

i wonder if at some point this blog will no longer be relevant to me. i have a journal for army, i have a journal for myself, and i have a journal for myself. what purpose then does this blog serve? there's nothing i want or need to say, and no one really reads so there's no point. i'm not interesting. i dont write well. i dont want to chronicle every passing moment of my day. i have facebook for that, and facebook's stupid. 

i keep getting distracted. its rather annoying how my thoughts are always fragmented and incomplete. it makes me look stupid. i know image doesnt matter, but it does. 

really, i keep pondering whether i still need this blog. someone tell me. 

Dying

"Without music life would be a mistake"

there's too many things i need and want to say. but i guess i no longer need to broadcast discreetly stuff anymore. i can actually feel comfortable talking about things honestly. which you may find a tad unbelievable. 

i'm sorry, but army is making me go crazy. 

into the vortex

sigh

Dream Police

its not that i've forgotten it, or what it meant to me. 

rather, i've stopped having it mean everything to me. 

Pictures

its scary just how little i remember of when i was young. young as in before primary school kind of young. i'm looking through all these photos of when i was like 5, and i honestly remember so little... is it because it was never anything significant, or do i just have a really bad memory? there was nothing incredibly memorable i guess. i never broke any bones, i was never dropped on my head, nothing of the sort. i guess i was just like any other kid. normal. 

ok so blogging semi-hiatus to finish putting photos in the album and watch the new episode of house. 

sometimes i ask myself, what can i be proud of? i dont think i've ever done anything that i can feel really proud of. i dont organise charity events, i dont go around helping people, hell often i dont give a crap about anything other than myself. and i guess some part of me does feel rather ashamed. especially when i see people around me doing so much for other people. this is my mystery of humanity. we are all so different, even when we are supposed to be the same. we chase seperate dreams, we honour contradicting beliefs, only to prove we are different. i want something to be proud of. no, i need something to be proud of. i need something that, looking back 20 years down the road, i can remember 2009 with. 

i'm glad to have bothered to put photos in a photo album. it may not seem like much, but its a rather big deal for me. i never used to do these kinds of things. its scary. 2009 has been a very weird year for me. break out? life-changing? stupid? i've yet to experience enough to properly label year 2009. every year has a label, every year means something. so far, 2009 means a lot of things. i only need it to mean one thing. and that's hard. 

its very easy, feeling this small. 

because everyone needs schedules they cant follow

Routine Order for Monday, 150309

CDC - Pte Desmond Chan

0930 - Reveille

0945 - Fall in for 0BX

0950 - Breakfast

1000 - Self Admin

1200 - Lunch

1300 - Area Cleaning

1730 - Stand By Area

1800 - Prep to move out for dinner

2000 - Area Cleaning

2200 - Commence Internet Surfing 

0200 - Lights out

Safety message of the day:

Dont be stupid.

Hygiene message of the day:

Dont be stupid. 

Romeo and Juliet

http://www.gatecrash.com.sg/?page=event_detail&actionForm=detail&eventID=571

for whoever may be interested. 

The Chronicles of Desmond

occassionally, i live my life in film. its like taking a camera and looking in onto my life. its a queer feeling. i dont feel like my life is scripted, but i do often wonder what it would be like if it actually was. would i be interesting? would i have dramatic potential? would i sell?

then of course, the director yells cut, reality sets in, i dont move on, and life carries on. 

because there's time for everyone, even if time shall wait for no one

truth is, i'm happier now. its hard to admit it, but i think i am. i've got less to worry about, i've got significantly less to care about now. i'm so far away from everything. the disconnect has done me some good, even if it hasnt always been very pleasant. now i've got 10 odd days to reconnect with the world around me. i'm doing everything i can. of course i'm not perfect, and of course i cant make everyone happy, even if i may want to. 

but i'm changing. and i know it. i somehow feel that i have now a greater sense of morality, which is somewhat weird. do i like the newer me? i dont know, i dont think the newer me has really been tested yet. 

the past 2 house episodes have been very thought provoking. issues such as persona's, social contracts and all, these are after all facets of the human condition. and i think that's why house appeals so much to me. or rather it used to, and has now again found the old house glory. just like house, there's no real need for emotional drama and all. take that all away, and what you have a dissertation about the human condition. and that will always be fascinating. people will always be fascinating.