do you remember when no one's here anymore?

hello my non-existant reader, welcome to my blog. first of all, i do warn you that you really are non-existant. second of all, i really am an attention seeking loner, with nothing better to do with his life. of course, you could argue that i am lying. but let us all assume that i am not.

i do not speak in riddles, for there is no point. no one reads, no one understands, no one belabors my point.

i make no attempt to be coherent, nor incoherent. what i say might just be what i am, although i am never sure. that must surely be the beauty of it all. everything is changing all the time. i'm like jello and you are my bowl.

i concede that i am an imperfect flaw. we are all little bits to a non-existant puzzle. god doesnt have time to make jigsaw puzzles.

i dream alot these days. too much, i might say. i dont know what i havent dreamt about. everyone has appeared, teachers, friends, parents, aliens, ghosts, you, you, you, you, you, you and of course, you.

i am not the same anymore. think back 26 years. do you remember what it was like back then? dont worry, neither do i.

i worry, of course i worry. i worry because i know where it might go wrong. i dont live life thinking everything will be alright.

i think about it all the time. there's no other way. yes, its been tough, its been horrible, nightmarish. but its all that is keeping me alive.

hello my non-existant reader. i am glad you take an interest in my life.

sigh

i am so tired. of having to do the same thing over and over again. why cant people give more a damn? i am so sick of it, so sick of them. sigh.

i know, looking back, i will have so many regrets. i already do. and i always wanted to live without having any regrets. it seems, that no longer can be the case. too many doors have opened and closed, and i dont know if they'll ever open again.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch cuz you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

i am extremely annoyed. i have no patience for these trivial irritants. argh. i dunno whats wrong, whether isit the new computer, the internet, the settings, the anti-virus, i dunno what. but its damn screwy. and i am freaking annoyed. its so hard to get anything done at all. i'm losing my threshold for tolerance.

its been a long time since i posted.
its been a long time since anything.
its been a long time since i've been fine.
its been a long time since i've been happy.
its been a long time since i've had freedom.
its been a long time since time didnt seem to speed by.
its been a long time since i looked forward to tomorrow.
its been a long time since i could speak.
its been a long time since anyone seemed to care.
its been a long time.
i know it has been.

dont know where i'm going, dont know where i've come.

how do i explain it to thee? it is the lack of purpose that is driving me crazy. its killing me, not knowing what i'm doing, not knowing where i'm headed. i cannot live every day the same way anymore. it all started when it started to end. you cant live life in a fishbowl when all you have is a cup. i've been searching so long, i'm not sure for what. but i know i have been searching.

i have felt the fatigue, the pain, the many days of suffering and salty tears. but still i get sand in my eyes, walk blindly into the dessert, with nothing but the pyramids in mind.

its nice to have things and people to capture my mind. all the colourful drawings, the beautiful sunsets, the never ending rainfall, your fleeting smile. little children and their innocent grins, flanked by the endless sea and sandy dreams.

no more excuses, you cowardly one. stand up for once, and make it count.

oh my god it is ridiculously stuffy and hot, even at 12.42 in the freaking night. i am melting.

when she sits there, holding the hand of her dying husband. he lies on bed, needing a machine to help him keep going. dressed in nothing more than simple pyjamas and traditional home wear. they are old, wrinkles line their faces. but its simple. to watch them, holding hands, simple unassuming gold bands on the 4th finger of their left hands, it breaks my heart.

yes, love exists.