Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible


--
can we stand up for what we believe, when we dont even know what that is?

everything has a reason. we are all innately rational creatures.

i think the most important thing to learn is to know what you believe.

sigh

yes, it has been disappointing. i just hope we are not judged based on that.

maybe if i focus enough on the meaningless and superficial, i can ignore that which really matters.

the difference is that he takes it out on others. i take it out on myself. so we are different, after all.

yes, it is running away. but i cant help it. i've got nothing else to do. no one to lean on, nothing to catch me when i fall. all i can do is run and run, and never look back.

can i even stand up for what i believe?

you think i like it? you think i enjoy being angry? you think i like pissing people off, and making the world hate me?

just because he was right, doesnt mean he wasn't wrong.

fuck lah, not again.

forever, and ever.

and it is ok, after all. i do want to live an idealistic life, full of love and meaning and hope and everything i could possibly want. but in all honesty, what are the chances? i mean, its not that i fervently believe life is meaningless and pointless. i dont think that is true. i just feel that it helps to be aware that life isnt all that it is touted to be. to just know that, well, life does suck. not always, but it does. if we live everyday always believing and hoping blindly, then we are just being ignorant no?
i think its not so much what i want, but more of what i need. i'd like to think that i can look past all the insignificant material details. but can i? until i have tried, i dont think i'll ever know. its tough, because it is irrational. because sometimes it just doesnt make sense. and i kill myself trying to make sense of it. i think some part of me just cannot accept being clueless and lost. when you know, you can control, you are responsible for all the consequences, good or bad. but when you are not in control, so many other things could happen, for better or for worse, who is to say?
ever so often, i just get distracted. my mind wanders off to faraway places. sometimes, i wonder if it may never return. could i then change, and become someone else? but never has that happened. i never get lost, and my mind shouldn't. there's something pulling me back here. i cant ever really leave. yes, i could walk away, but my mind, my heart, my memories, they all will still stay here. and until i can free them, i can never leave. time will pass, as it always has.

will i be there through it all?

oh my god. i just watched possibly the best 40 mins of television drama ever.

judge. judgement. judge. judgement.

we all need to figure out what we're good at. i have a thing for judging people. i realise, that isnt really a good thing. just thinking and thinking and thinking. i cant help but judge. its all about patterns and anomalies. everyone has anomalies. finding them tells me why people are different. and yet at the same time, everyone has patterns. everyone has habits. everyone has preconceived notions of the self. once you can identify, that you can diagnose the disease.

why do you think i hide behind this face? its cos i dont want it t actually be me. its so much harder to speak as yourself than to speak for yourself through the mouth of another.

watching tv, pretending like i can run away from the shit that is reality.

what does a jaded, ignorant 18 year old know about love?

its the gatsby complex.
throw parties, week after week,
night through nights.
hoping that the love of your life will appear,
take the light and blow you away.
over the waters and into the sea.
its the gatsby complex.
we're lost without the lights,
like moths without the flames,
like me without the pain.

it makes not sense at all.
is this what we want?
dont give it up, what wasnt yours to begin with.

its not right. of course it isnt. something can be done. something can always be done. but i suppose, i can do it. i have very un-big words. and short term memory. the screen is jumping. what is it called. it's a whole mixture of emotions and states of mind. angst, fear, tiredness, loss, fear, despair, hope, sadness, sentiment. have i but listed everything that could be listed? i need some happiness. a shred of anything is more than anything i might already have.

he's searching for that understated smile,
to match his overstated frown.

as groups, we vote and agree to give the greatest amount of satisfaction to the greatest number of people. sometimes, voting the best means nothing. the best is hardly ever what the people want. ARGH ANGST ANGST ANGST. i suppose that's why a democracy works. democracy allows for wrong decisions, but in the short run, it does not matter. people just want to leave that hall satisfied and happy. any event that leaves the audience feeling shit is a shit event. FUCK LAH CB.

what a joke lah.

am i not quite ready to sacrifice it all?

you've got your special designs,
all the little hearts and yellow crowns.

there are some things in life you just dont forget: all the firsts and all the lasts. that first kiss, the first crush, the first medal, the last goodbye, the last time singing the school song. it just makes us that much more human. it makes all those moments just a little more special.

no one can ever really compromise. we like to think we can, but it's so, improbable. its all those little things you know. you can look past the looks, the money, the love, everything. but can you look past those habits? everyone has habits.

once in awhile, i like to indulged myself in sad, emo rubbish. it can be quite nice, quite comforting. you know, the problem is that everything is presented to idealistically. i'll always be by your side. i'll never let you go. you're the only one for me. yes, it can be true. yes, we all have hope. dats why its so believable isnt it?

i dream, all the time.

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

before you






isnt that like, beautiful?

honestly, it's good to have your heart broken. i mean, if you have your heart broken, at least you can go to a hospital, get a good surgeon and mend it. yes it'll take awhile before it works like it did before, hell maybe some things may never be the same, but at least its there. at least it works.

what really sucks is not to have your heart broken. rather, to have it slowly chiselled away, bit by bit, until there's nothing left. even the best surgeon cant mend a heart that isnt there.

dont lose your hearts, little ones. bear with me, even if you cant bear with yourselves.

i am dead tired. i dont want to work on my i/s. i dont want to think about my crit com. all i want to do right now is to just get away from all this shit, and spend some time alone. or spend some time with people that matter...

i suppose, until i actually know, until its all out in the open, i'l never move on. its the same as it was before. it'll just keep eating and eating into me. it makes me unhappy. i have to be simple here. no more confusing riddles, no more stupid little secrets. just be simple, just be honest, just be true.

its been so long. it could be so much longer.

cant you say the same thing 10 times over, and mean it 10 times over?

I AM FEELING MURDEROUS.

sigh. i dunno what to say anymore. all the words are just lost. lost in translation maybe. we spend so much time trying to figure each other out, we forget that sometimes, we dont need to. sometimes we just need to listen. its easier to understand when people arnt always talking and spouting meaningless shit. people are so full of shit. and its tiring, having to always distil through all that shit to get to the meaningful stuff.

some part of me just wants to get everything out. some part of me just wants to scream and scream and destroy everything. but every part of me knows i cant do that. i have learnt my lesson, as hard as it may have been. control, i must control. i'm destroyed already, but that doesnt give me any right to go around destroying others.

i cant help but care. even if others dont want to give a shit, i still feel its my responsibility to do something. call me stupid, call me a public nuisance, whatever it is, i dont care. i've learnt not to care. i mean, at some stage, it all just passes by. i reason, many people judge and do things based on how they feel. like if they feel angry, they will be angry. i think in some ways i've lost that. or maybe suppressed that. at the moment, everything is about what i think. like, i have specific reasons to be angry, therefore i am angry, and therefore i feel angry. the feeling almost becomes an afterthought.

yes, the feelings almost become an afterthought.

you and i must fight for our rights.
you and i must fight to survive.

i am soon to crisis.