i really think its quite sad that happy cheesy shalala shows makes me feel rather sad and depressive, whereas depressing and sad shows somewhat makes me feel hopeful.

i somehow dont think that's quite right, is it?

and in this ever-changing madness,
we still want to believe.

oh man oh man.
i think once again its coming to a point i cant deal.
i dont want to be unhappy,
i dont want to be frustrated and angry,
and there really is no excuse for it is there?
no one will believe me anyway,
so i'm sorry if i pretended to be that way.

who's going to write your fairytale ending?
the one where the bride falls and harry is the king...

i know its selfish, but delving in others' problems let me forget my own.

i think we've all got to let go a little bit.
being ourselves can sometimes be too hard, too much.

and somehow, we're all just looking for that romantic inside.
i dont think i can stand people who get attached for the sake of it.
i mean honestly, whats the point?
relationships shouldnt just be about bragging rights isit?
or maybe we're just too young to understand.
at 14, at 17, what do we know?
just how much have we experienced,
to be able to say we understand?
is love overrated though?
i dont know. in some ways i think it is.
i think its too absurd to be falling in love all the time.
call me cynical, yes, but i just dont think you can fall in love that often.
honestly, is it that easy to find love?
maybe i'm being too judgemental,
i cant accept the fact that people are different,
people dont share my views.
maybe some people just can fall in love.
maybe, just maybe, i'm jealous.
yet i think deep down in every single person theres that little idealism.
maybe its just a dream, some kind of unachievable utopia,
some people call it hope.
i dont know, i think i've seen what love is.
seeing old couples walking in the park,
i think thats love.
i might be wrong, but at least thats what i think.
i dont know if i'm right in saying this,
but i think at some point or another,
everyone dreams of that knight in shining armor fairytale.
girls want to be rescued, guys want to be the hero.
maybe i'm generalising too much, quite possibly i'm wrong.
but really, isnt it nice?
fairytale endings give you that feeling that there is hope in this world after all.

and sometimes, thats all that matters.

we can never be satisfied.
its the holidays, but we still want so much more.
sometimes, i think holidays are worse than sch days.
sch days theres actually stuff to do everyday,
in a sense you know what's coming tomorrow.
you know that you have to get up and go to school.
holidays really suck in the sense that you know theres work to do,
multiples i/ses and shit, but you also know there's time.
no so there actually isnt,
but holidays give you the false impression that theres time.
and so you put it off.
there always is a later.
and there never is a never.

we all want a little escape.
just to be able to run off to that little hole of yours,
and not to have to worry about anything else in the world.
to be with your friends, to be with yourself.
and to just drop everything.
screw work, screw school, screw parents, screw everything.

the truth is that i aint satisfied.
in everything i do, i cannot find that satisfaction, that happiness.
theres always that little shred of doubt that lingers.
so maybe i'm better off not thinking about all of it.
to just hang loose and stop worrying.
there'll always be time to worry.
i suppose in a way i cant keep looking back,
neither can i keep thinking about the future.
i spend too little time in the present.
of course there always is the argument that the present does not exist,
but sadly, for many people, it does.
and i've got to deal with the fact that even if i dont think it does,
people do, and in a sense we've all got to live by other people's presents.

come on one and all, run away with me!

never say goodbye,
because we'll always have this to come away to.
only if we try, only if we try.

omg pain > me

at the very least, this is painful.
why? cos obviously it hurts, whether you believe it
or not.

wa lau i cant believe i cable ski-ed 4 fraeking hrs today.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/bags/9aa0/

OMG I WANT I WANT I WANT SOMEONE BUY FOR ME FOR XMAS I WANT I WANT

O_O wow

omg i had a really bad dream last night (or well, this morning actually. i only went to sleep at 730) in it, my elec guitar got totally busted, and i remember myself screaming. oh god. thank god it wasnt real.

spinning away

i ask and ask again,
but still the same the road leads me back to nothing.
i've come so far only to have to see,
there really was nothing to succeed.

sometimes, i just think i'm chasing the impossible.
holding out for hope, even when there seems to be none.
some people may argue hope is always there,
whether we see it or not.
i just dont see the point anymore.
the truth is, its too hard.
too meaningless, to pointless, to tiring.
i dont want to have to do it anymore.
i mean, it really sucks being held like a prisoner in your very own home.
by others, and by yourself.
i dont want to be here,
and neither does he want me here.
just as it is, it leaves me no where to go.
i could roam, but where will i end up?
could i go anywhere better?
can i find a place that will accept me for who i am?
i think, i can be whoever you want me to be.
cos i dont even know who i am,
i dont think i can be me.
its easier to be someone else,
someone whom i dont have to take responsibility,
someone unlike me, yet in a way, still me.
i've gone and changed, but have you?
i cant help it, i've taken all my drugs and all the pills,
still the same memories and thoughts swirl in my throat,
choking the life out of me.
and i'm spinning, spinning, spinning.
spinning, away.

am i still hoping?

argh, let the frustration set in.

first, the a string on the electric snapped.

then, the high e string on the acoustic snapped.

cheebong.

now i dont have ANY guitars to play with.

wad the hell.

if we could just take it back to before,
relive those moments, rewrite those notes again.
i promise i wont be quite as daft,
i'll do what i meant to, act as i must.
i think just for that while,
i remember being happy.
right back into those moments,
those memomiseries.
it's all so obvious to me now,
so why couldnt i have been a little less blind?
maybe if i did understand, comprehend,
i could find a way out of this shallow hole.

i'm sorry, but i really cant deal.
may a shed a tear for you?
or would you spare me the trouble and come to my rescue?

!!!! how could they leave that out of the dvd?!?!?!??

omg if only i could do that some day

in other news, i bought a fishing rod.

somtimes, it is too easy to imagine bridges where there are none.

what if everyone spoke what they really thought?

i mean, honestly, every conversation's so...complicated. i mean i think its true, its not what we say, its what we are saying. and even if we dont say much, we are saying alot. problem is, we dont dare to actually ask about what we are saying, only what we say.

life is complicated. no, life is simple. no, life is.

for one moment
i wish you'd hold your stage
with no feelings at all
open minded
i'm sure i used to be so free

wow

all i can say is, WOW.

i am willing to say, i know what it feels like to feel useless and worthless.
to feel like you dont mean a thing at all.
i mean, what can i fall back upon?
what's going to cushion my many falls?
friends? i'm not a social person.
family? up yours.
relationship? yea, in 400 years maybe.
money? i wish.
status? yea: shit.
myself? no way in hell.

it sucks, having all that you want, all that you can only dream for, to have it crushed, over and over again. its a horrible feeling that's hard to describe. i've cried because of it. i never really realised how important dreams and hopes are. i mean, its one of the few motivating forces keeping me going. but am i doing all this in vain? am i chasing a long lost cause? am i running a race i will never finish? one i was never meant to finish?

it hurts to have to think so.
it really hurts.

i really need someone to understand.

code

this is a cryptic message:

i have a confession to make. i cant make decisions. i really cant. all those options, they just float over, and float away. in a way i think i need people to make decisions for me. why? maybe its cos i'm too scared to face the consequences. maybe i'm afraid of responsibility. probably its cos i just dont want to be definite about. i mean, just look - the past 3 sentences have failed to produce a concrete proper explanation. its all maybes and possiblys and ifs etc. this needs a solution. dont you see? deep down, everything needs to mean something. i make things mean something, even if they dont. in a way its a sense of security, knowing that you understand. or maybe pretending that you understand even if you dont. its like how people pretend to be good at something even if they arnt. truth is, people do get away with it, so why cant i? there are things we all need to say, and there are things we all need to hide. recently i have taken to typing in proper sentences, even though i suspect i still dont. why? i dont know. its not like i'm practising for anything or what. i hate being chased, but i must be. why am i so full or paradoxes and shit? its frustrating. i can never figure out who i am. i think i am having identity issues. identity crisis? maybe not. issues? i think i have issues man. and i suspect it might become worse. and you cant just throw all that away can you? in some sense theres still that little bit of hope that lingers on. maybe i am just being stupid and idiotic. i suppose i am, but i cant help it. they never can. its hard to explain it, not cos its actually hard, but cos i dont want to. i dont like explanations that i can find. it just takes all the fun out of life you know. that's a serious problem. thoughts get in my way way too much. it sucks thinking and thinking and thinking, at the end of the and the problem isnt solved. i think i shall start a think-less-do-more campaign. we dont need bright minds in this world, we need effective ones. people are naturally stupid, they only pretend to be smart. only 4.6% of the human population have naturally effective minds, 18.62% have smart minds. the remaining 77.78% are stupid, naturally. dont blame them, blame me. you see, we need to train people to develop effective minds, not smart ones. smart minds are useless. just look and yourself already. i just wish somehow it was easier. but it never is. i cant be. if it was any easier, it wouldnt trouble me like it does. at the same time, any easier and it wont be attractive anymore. everything that means anything would just fall apart. why the hell do i have to be in school at 9 tomorrow? i dont want to go to school, even though i do. i dont get you. i really dont. its frustrating, yet at the same time its fascinating. you keep me guessing all the time, and i must admit, as much as i hate it, i love it also. bob is annoying. why? he just is. he was born this way. born to take away all that i have. really, its the simplest things that are so hard. it seems like a lifetime ago that i heard you giggle. dont you remember? i bet you dont. no one does anyway. how does one cope with so much rubbish? i mean, all this crap i'm saying, no one bothers, no one cares. i pretend as if people will bother, even though i know they wont. stupid? you bet. why must i be in that 77.78%???

ok so maybe it isnt.

memories

i dont think it has sunk in yet.
i wonder how long more before it does.

the significant thing

i think i know now. i think i know why i'm so bored all the time.
yes, there are tons of stuff to do.
msn, youtube, google, etc etc.
but now i know.
i want to do things that are meaningful.
like, i want to do stuff that matter.
that will impact other things.
i dont just want to do stuff i'll forget the next morning.

honestly, i think i'm weird.

reflections

i still think i have lost touch.
am losing touch, have lost touch.
i suppose, there'll always be times we feel alone.
yet at times, we do feel loved.
i dont know, maybe i should just speak for myself.
personally, i find that i am quite a pessimistic person.
(like, haha wow revelation)
but yea i suppose there are times when,
i do feel like things are ok.
that things could actually be good.
its rare, but it does happen.
in a sense, i'm always waiting for it to happen.

its quite amazing, just like that 17 years have passed.
one grand year of jc life has whizzed by just like that.
its been different, very very different.
alot of the time was spent dealing, i think.
to just adapt to new situations, new people.
to realise that what once worked no longer does.
i couldnt treat people the same way i did in ip.
the people now, the people then,
they are so different, its beyond worlds apart.
and like i was telling ethel,
i really cant compare. it wouldnt be fair to either side.
honestly, both has its pros and cons.
but i must say its been a really happening year.
very different than ip, i must say.
for starters, i have a cca.
second, i didnt fail anything. (yes i'm serious, as hard to believe as that may sound)
third, i actually dont have that much time to burn.
last year was so bad, everyday i got home at 4,
and burnt my life away.
how loser-ish.
its just been so so different.

yet, while my life has changed,
i must (and always) ask myself:
have i?
its a difficult question.
i mean, some parts of me have changed, definitely.
but still, some of those not-so-pleasant traits still linger.
i mean yes i could argue that that makes me who i am,
but the obvious question is this:
do i want to be who i am?
actually, do i have the ability to change who i am?
the egoistic, proud side of me says yes.
yes, i am capable, yes it can be done.
but the more pessimistic self is somewhat resigned to the fate,
the fact that you cant change who you are.
where do i stand? i dont think anymore will ever know.
not till i myself figure myself out.

i think in many ways,
i'm learning how to fall on my own now.
its strange, to suddenly be pushed off a cliff,
and yet the safety net that was always there,
suddenly it isnt there anymore.
everything i thought was safe,
everything i believed i could count on,
suddenly its just falls away like leaves out of a window.
suddenly, i dont know anymore.
my world of monochrome suddenly turned a heavy shade of grey.

but, i think i'm moving on.
or at the very least, i'm learning to.

sorry my friend, it must end

the caravan rolls past, night by night,
even with the thunderstorms hiding his sights.
feeling a little gravity talking to him,
cold showers seep through his veins.
drip out onto the side walk, all his pain,
so much he forgets the endless aim.
call out in vain, just like yesterday,
on and on, he will light his path...
for the caravan must move on.

i dont do full sentences.
i dont do full paragraphs.
its just, unsightly.
who really bothers to read across?
more often than not, people just read downwards.
of course, thats assuming they read at all.
its always the case isnt it?
its so easy to say, oh this is what i want.
its easy to even say this is what i need.
but, life isnt that easy. it cant be.
i figure, to be able to want what you need,
it necessarily implies that you have choices.
to want what you want,
it means you have chosen, yet you may not have that choice.
its hard isnt it?
i mean, we can say sorry a million times,
but sorry dont make dead people come back to life.
sorry isnt going to change the past.
sorry isnt going to make the future any easier to bear.
sorry, sorry is but a filler.
sorry is when we have nothing else.
when we dont know what to say.
so, i'm sorry.
i always am.

random

shucks, you moved.

no one deserves to hurt this way

quit complaining my friend, cos you'll survive in the end.

it is weird. i mean, we're all only 17, yet we somehow make ourselves believe that we actually understand. but we dont. we make so many mistakes, but pretend they are little lessons in life. we dont recognise failure, only means to an end.

i think slowly, i'm forgetting how it's like. its not fair, but it never is. things just...happened. we can wish all the time that things were different, but life must move on. we must.

listen to the clicking invisible locks,
the taps on the keyboard through the night.
he stares at the same screen till his eyes turn grey,
the ghosts of msn conversations want to play.
he knows he's chance has gone away,
still he waits, everyday,
hoping maybe someday it'll be the same.
making excuses just to talk to you,
yes its pathetic, but its the best he can do.

you dont know it shakes me deep inside

i have a problem. i have a problem looking into people's eyes. i dont know why (but of course, i actually do. i jus say i dont, cos thats wad i always do). its like, i cant look into people's eyes when i'm talking to them, and i suppose many people will take it that i'm eitehr rude, or uninterested or wad. the truth is, i jus find it really discomforting. yes there will always be the old cliche about the eyes being windows to the soul.

while that might be a stretch, i think the essence of that cliche is this: our eyes are where we are most vulnerable. we can manipulate how we act, we can manipulate how we talk, we can manipulate how we look, but i dont think we can actually manipulate our eyes. eyes give away alot. its easy to tell whether someone is lying. it actually really is. you can read it in their eyes, even if their faces tell no lies.

i think i am scared. i always get the feeling that, when i'm looking into someone's eyes while talking, its almost like they can read in to me. its almost as if they can see past just the words and the appearances. while in some ways i do wish that were the case, its scary. it really is. i mean, if i were a secure person, if i knew who i am, maybe i wouldnt be this bothered. but i'm still drifting around, here and there, not quite sure where.

and there are some looks, they have a way of making me feel really naked and vulnerable. and as a result, i will look away. it happens all the time, i know it. i mean, its easy to stare into senseless, unfeeling eyes, for there is nothing there to feel. but when there's all that emotion, all that tension, it becomes so different. suddenly, i cannot do it anymore. i dont like how it makes me feel. and in some ways, i dont think i can take it. theres so much there to be felt, to be perceived, to be understood, and some people just cannot deal.

some people are weak. like me.