Running 'round leaving scars

Everything

wander off in the evergreen park

i'm doing everything to distract myself from the fact that i'm still unhappy.

we must be mistaken

this cannot go on i swear.

its swarming me, drowning me,

and somehow i dont even really care.

all these thoughts consuming me,

corrupting my state of reality.

i think at this rate i will lose my mind.

moving forward i don't quite know how things will be like. hell, i don't even know how i want things to be like. its too easy to say oh lets just see how things play out. truth is no one really wants things to just play out. everyone wants things to happen the way they want it. we are all selfish to your own ends, just some more than others.

i think i'm losing control. i feel like what i once knew about myself is slipping away. i'm no different, yet everything's different. this i cannot reconcile, and in a sense i cant yet deal with it. it troubles me endlessly, and closure isn't in sight.

and always i push on, because i cannot stop.

*and the worse part of it is realising that you're not special at all.

I'll laugh until my head comes off I swallow till I burst

today's lesson learnt is that swallowing ones pride and ego is a hard thing to do, but sometimes you just got to do it anyway. and it basically comes down to the willingness to admit you're wrong even when you're not. its a tough pill to swallow, and its not something i am particularly good at.

yes, i am still peeved over it. and it wont go away just like that. but life isn't lived in the temporary. i should understand this. and so beyond the anger, i know that i've lost what little respect i had before.

i don't agree that's its accepting people for who they are. some people are inherently fucked up, why should we accept them? rather its about understanding how to work around those problems and making it work anyhow. i cannot allow myself to be dragged into petty and ultimately meaningless conflicts.

at the end of it all, i can touch my heart and say i didn't do anything that i should be ashamed off. and that's all i can do.

how come i end up where i started?

i think few people realise how much time i spend living inside my head. hell, i think sometimes even i don't realise it. and its worrisome. sometimes i really wonder if i'm all quite there. maybe i should get myself checked out.

i don't think people really read blogs anymore. blogs are too lengthy. they demand too much of your attention span. they don't come with like buttons. its funny how our generation has evolved. i still remember the time where blogs were all the rage. i guess it was a time where it was the only real social media available. it was the only way to communicate with others, without actually doing any communication. it was chatting without the chat. and there was a time when blogs actually meant something. now everything's so instantaneous, and somehow i think we've lost something along the way. i think we no longer care as much.

i guess in a way my motivation to blog has changed too. blogging used to be a medium with which to communicate, with a (supposed) audience. nowadays i think blogging is a lot more self-serving. considering few if not nobody actually reads this, it somehow serves a purer function that i think it used to. now it really can be the personal journal that it was supposed to be. its a pot in which i can let my thoughts simmer. and if occasionally someone decides to come stir the pot, then so be it.

i was eating durians just now, and it got me thinking. some people are like durians. they are all thorny and prickly and generally scary from the outside. and in some ways there's a certain mystery about durians. inside, they can be all soft and delicious. or they can just be empty. and not everyone wants to find out.

i think more than anything else i'm looking for company. its quite lonely up here in my head. maybe people will join me, or perhaps drag me out.

dont play with fire, for you will get burnt.

i'm on a train, barrelling down these tracks.

there's steam in my eyes, wind in my hair,

the country-sides are fading from sight.

the sun rains down on my face,

as i gaze out into the beautiful expanse.

there is no steward and no driver,

no one to hear these screams of terror.

who dares to leap?

its an endless drop, then splash.

and so we carry on,

forwards and forwards and forwards.

till the inevitable end, then crash.

and then we fall.

and it was quiet tonight

We all like to get it in our heads, all these promises of beautiful endings and fairytale beginnings. The reality is that it just doesn't happen. Life's an endless stream of dismal disappointments and underwhelming conclusions.

I'm not really a movie person. Most movies they appeal to the silly romantic in all of us, painting images of blissful utopia that we can strive towards. I much rather movies that do away with all that bullshit, that paint life the way it really is. Movies should be harsh and constant reminders that life isn't perfect, that life isn't easy. Life is a constant struggle, and if its anything else than we're really just kidding ourselves.

I guess i'm just slightly peeved that i haven't watched a good movie in a long time.

Wishlist

all saints cropped military boot

Super flat top

Radii straight jacket (black black red)

and my life will be complete. for now.

take a look at me now

watch where you tread my son,

you're still only at square one.

don't leap, don't even jump,

on this ragged edge you don't get a second chance.

the lines have been drawn,

and you have been warned.

i'll stand here and watch you drown.

your face it haunts

this, its almost like taking a step back in time. i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

every time looking back i cant help but laugh. we were all so young and naive, so stupid and ignorant. and yet, after the dust has settled, i think i've emerged a better person. well, better by my definition that is. and everything happens for a reason, once you think about it enough. everything will have their implications, whether you like it or not.

i cant help who i am. but i've learnt that that is a lousy excuse for not trying.

smartass or jackass? i think right now i'd probably pick jackass. i think for very long i've tended towards smartass. its time for a change perhaps? there's no lesser of two evils anyway, might as well just pick one and stick with it.

i think my biggest challenge will be dealing with the reality that its a very different world now. i cant perpetually just live on my own wavelength and expect things to fall in line. i didnt listen then, but i understand now. (its not something i'll readily admit, but i must) its all the little things i guess. these are the things that you actually have control over. i'm done trying to control things that are beyond my control. its too tiring, and just not worth it.

sometimes i wonder if its just me being tactless. i mean there's always two sides to the coin, and it all depends on which side you want to take. and as much as i want to sit on the fence, i cant. so yes, learning when to shut up, it only comes with experience i guess. its really a case of learning from your mistakes. i think very often i walk a very fine line. i probably overstep that line every now and then, sometimes knowingly, other times not. all this living on the edge, i think its bad for me. its gotten me into way too many sticky situations. sometimes i wonder if i'm better off just backing off and just not bothering.

i guess you can only say you know someone when you've seen them in a vulnerable state.

I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes

i don't quite know why, i don't quite know how, but something's not right.

We would shrink and then be quiet as mice
And while the cat is away
Do what we want
Do what we want

I think eventually we all end up having to ask the important questions in life: what do i want? What can i sacrifice? Is it enough? Will it ever be enough? Why isnt there a blogger app for the iphone? Such questions haunt me, day and night. And i've come to the worrying conclusion that basically, i'm still very unhappy. Maybe its because i want too much, and i set my expectations of everything so high that i'm constantly disappointed. Maybe i just spend too much time kiddin myself and pretending that i'm happy with the way things are, when i clearly am not. Maybe i'm chasing a dream that's already lost.

Often i wish things werent so complicated. If things were simpler, maybe life wouldnt be all this hard. I'd be one persona, and that would be enough. People would understand, because i wouldnt confuse. I would understand, because i wouldnt be so confused. Is it so hard to step out of this bubble and back into a world full of normality? I'm finding out that it is. Suddenly everything that made sense to you no longer makes sense.

I really dont want to sound bitter and disgruntled, but i think i am. But probably more with myself than anything else. I realise its been a long time since i've felt any strong lasting sense of emotion, whether happy or sad or what not. Nowadays everything is so fleeting, they pass and i carry on. I'm afraid i'm becoming slightly emotionally numb to the world. Theres prob too much anger and resentment right now, emotions i dont want to be having.

At the end of the day, i want to do what i want. Its just sometimes, thats prob not the smartest thing to do.

you said i'm falling behind...

i'm so jaded and frustrated with work. i don't think i can carry on like that, its just killing me inside.

i'd like to believe that it's okay to be misunderstood, that i'm ok with that. but i'm not. i don't think anyone can really ever be, if they are being honest with themselves. while i may not chase popularity and aspire to be well-liked and whatsoever, being misunderstood can at times hurt.

breaking out of this bubble has been difficult, and i'm still adjusting to it. i'm so out of touch with social habits and practices, its like having to re-learn how to eat or something like that. but one must not see the world with rose tinted lenses, because lets face it things out there will never be as good. we had too much of a good thing, and now its coming back to haunt us. but slowly, i guess, one step at a time. start with things i'm familiar with, and go from there. sometimes its just about saying hi. its not that difficult, is it?

people seldom think this much. i often forget, and it leads me to do rather inane things. and it all adds up see? i allow people to misjudge me, because i always forgot that everyone is very much different. its something of a vicious cycle i think.

i'd still like to think i'm ok with it. generally i am. its just sometimes i'm not. often i don't even know when that is.

do we look as we are, or are we as we look? i think for most people you can somewhat figure out who they are just by how they look, what they wear etc. i guess what i'm really saying is that most people are simple. and that's perfectly okay. if anything that's probably better. i don't think i've met anyone with as eclectic a dress sense as mine. sometimes (ok often) even i myself am confused. perhaps its because i'm still not quite sure who i am as a person. it always comes back to the whole identity thing. its not that i'm having an identity crisis or anything (i hope not), but more that i find i can be a different person to different people.

i'm weird. i know. and it used to be perfectly alright. but now i'm not quite sure anymore.

Neon Trees?

my twitter feed is becoming a slightly harrowing place. so who are neon trees? i'm slightly annoyed that my twitter feed is being flooded by lamc retweets of people being excited over a band i've never heard of. then again, one tweet was as follows: "shreya_bieber: neon trees. thank you lamcproductions! first justinbieber, now this! BEST YEAR EVER.". then again, a fb post was as follows: "Check out Neon Trees cover version of Justin Bieber's hit "Baby". "

ok obviously they suck.

Hope

the only thing keeping me together is the promise that it'll somehow eventually get better.

Not just another Tuesday

its been a pretty expensive day, to the tune of $207.00. ouch. no more spending for the month of June then, less petrol and other life essentials.

in other news, Crash is so awesome.

I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

Expectations

its been a tough 2 weeks or so, i won't lie. spent a lot of thinking time dealing with what i suppose are deep set insecurities and fears that have been dormant for a long time. sometimes its harder to deal with a problem that you fully understand.

the reality is that i cannot hold everyone accountable to the same standards. its just not fair, because people are different. i should manage my expectations of the world accordingly. and i can't just avoid or run away from it, because it'll keep coming back, perhaps harder than before.

as much as we would like to embrace our differences whatever they may be, we all want to feel a sense of belonging. statistically we're on the wrong end of the equation, because there are far less people to supposedly mix properly with. but i don't think its right to just shut the rest off. i've learnt that its necessary to deal with things we don't want to deal with, because its the right thing to do. it allows for functional social contracts to play out, it facilitates life as we know it. and its easy to sit on one side of the fence and lob waterbombs over the fence. i hope i am capable of better.

i'm not sure who i am going to be, and that scares me. that scares me.

Ready, Get Set, Go.

who blogs anymore?

seriously though, i think i'm falling down a slope. this has to stop. i'm giving in and giving up a little too easily for my personal liking. its not right anymore.

i think i've figured it out. a big fear of mine is not so much that i don't know who i am, but rather that i'm too sure of who i am. i think i need to let go of certain things to allow myself a better perspective on things around me. everything makes sense, but it makes sense to someone, not just myself.

looking back at the past 3 days, i've come to a couple of major realisations that have a significant impact on the road ahead. its a good thing i guess. better now than later when it's already too late. for the most part, people are simple, but relationships (between people) are complicated. but it all gets a little tougher when having to deal with relationships between complicated people. and i realised that its something i've been away from for quite a long time. now i need to get back into it, dealing with it. ready, get set, go.

Childhood Preconceptions

today i had a perception i've held since childhood shattered. you know how everytime you go out to eat with your family, and you always want but can never get to eat from the western food stall? (ok so maybe you dont know, but that's how i grew up). its always more expensive than the other food, so i hardly got to eat western, and everytime i do its like a special occasion or something. so yes basically i've always held the impression that there was something special about the western food stalls at all the coffee shops and food courts and what not, even till this day. well till yesterday, to be exact.

at the tampines mart kopitiam, i had the most awful western food i've eaten in my life:

the pasta was overcooked and hopelessly bland. they appear to have dumped a litre of olive oil on top of it, so all i was tasting was oil and pepper. the fish fillet was more fillet than fish. and they were tiny. and it costs $5! and is a chef recommendation! i really don't want to know what the chef isn't recommending. (the picture looks a lot better than it actually is)

i also had terrible dessert:

that's supposed to be almond pudding with longan. i ate ice with syruppy ice. and some longan.

sigh. i now stand disillusioned with western food stalls at dodgy kopitiams. this childhood belief, right down the drain.

Message in a Bottle

right now, i'm depressed, suffering from an identity crisis, and am probably in denial. shoot me now.

Beauty and the Geek

an interesting thought came to mind. i think every beautiful girl needs a nerdy loser geek admirer. most of them probably don't want one, because its generally quite creepy, but i think every beautiful girl needs one. ok lets qualify "beautiful". by that i mean pretty, popular, etc etc. why? because all girls are insecure, and having these geeks being in love with them gives them something to fall back on. because most guys are jerks. i don't like to stereotype, but its very apparent very often. and guys being jerks, they never know how to deal with a girl's insecurities. staring at another girl, saying something wrong, you know the like. but this geek, he'll never say a thing. and for as long as social conventions and norms remain the way they are, he'll always be in love with her. conceptually, of course. real world applications are a lot more complicated and impossible to try to evaluate in one paragraph. but basically my point is that beautiful girls needs geeks to make them feel important and wanted, no matter how creepy they may be. there's nothing like an insecure girl needing reassurance about her self-worth. i think this is basic premise of so many tv shows, movie plots and other narratives. and its fascinating, at least to me.

i guess my second point is that geeks rock. hahaha what the hell.

They Tell Me

they tell me, i am too young.

i can't be leading a revolution, i can't even hold a gun.

and what can i say?

i nod my head and turn away.

they tell me, i have to learn,

the ways of the world, how money makes the world go round.

and i have not dreamt of anything else, why should i?

dreams are only for fun.

they tell me, its all for my own good.

a thousand many reasons, all respectfully spoken like they should.

when i grow up i will become a doctor,

yes mom, yes.

they tell me, i must be safe.

i cannot let them get to my head.

and so i stay away from those evils,

wrapped up in these pale sheets.

they tell me, i will eventually grow up.

my future is so bright, 1 + 1 = right.

just keep following the light,

these blinkers are my guide.

they tell me, don't believe the hype.

foolish people join the circus so they can

hop around and scream all night.

yes, i think this table suits me much better.

they tell me, i am still young.

so i will not get my hopes up,

i know its best not to have any fun.

i have no roots, i have no leaves,

all these cotton buds numb out the sun.

slowly i must grow, under the watchful sky.

i wonder...... oh wait, i cant.

Understanding

i think i've kinda figured it out. understanding people isn't that difficult. you just gotta be an ass, really. you've got to put yourself in situations, and yet be detached from them. you've got to console people when they are emotionally vulnerable, and yet not be emotionally attached. look past the moments of stress and frustration, and find the logical explanations for the illogical. but can one really do it? be so detached from things even whilst being right in the midst of it? i honestly don't know. is it something you would even want to do?

its funny how we all grow up. emo phase, existentialist phase, whats next? pre-life crisis? we all need our respective forms of escapism, because i don't think anyone can really fully live with themselves. its too demanding, too raw. we can't hack it, thus we need others to do it for us. that's what friends are for, right?

to be and not to be, that must be the answer.

Brighter than the Moon

watching the eusoff dp made me realise, i dearly and sorely miss theatre.

its more than the complex characters weaved into a stunning storyline. its more than the twists and turns that keep us at the edge of our seats, hearts pounding. its more than the outrageous costumes and elaborate make ups, the strange voices and queer personas. its more than the witty dialogue or the poignant lines, resonating through our minds.

its the bumping in, the endless rehearsals, the many frustrating nights not knowing what the hell you are doing. its never understanding your character, though you've tried for the hundredth time. its saying the same line, over and over again, but each time a little bit different. its the late nights spent sitting around. its the messing around during rehearsals, doing random things for fun. its losing your mind slightly. its the nervousness you feel just before you step on stage.

ultimately, its the sense of wonder. because theatre allows for many things that we cannot otherwise do. we can explore the depths of the human condition, tackle ideologies and what they mean to us. most importantly, we can be, and not be judged.

On Facebook

(i was lying in bed trying to sleep, but i had to type this out)

I just read the Time article on Facebook, and it is a fascinating read. Very thought provoking.

The problem with facebook is that at some point, our profiles, and thus our identities, become overly diluted. we like too many things, that we forget what we really like anymore. And its also due to the fact that its so easy. Liking something is just a click away, and you dont even have to be on Facebook to Like something. We will all lose track, sooner or later. and then the question is this: who am i? Or rather, do i know who i am any more?

I believe what we need are lists, hierachal structures to define ourselves better. It's something we all do on a day to day basis. Comparative analysis. I like A and B, but i like A more than B. And this can be true of anything - TV Shows, movies, songs, artists etc. And i think this is something Facebook can incoporate to distinguish individuals better. We can better define ourselves. It is essentially giving our Facebook profiles an opinion, instead of just being a fact sheet. I fear that Facebook will cause people to lose their own identities, to a certain extent. When its so easy to express your opinion on everything, the question is now whether your opinion counts?

Also, i believe that humans like small networks. Yes, having 500 friends is comforting to know, but having 5 awesome friends is better. And lists would allow for this. It would bring together people of much similar interests and personalities. It would be easier for like-minded people to find each other. I think this is essentially how forums work. People band together on things that interest them. Yes, it is politically relevant that 12 million people in Colombia organised a protest on Facebook. But is it relevant to me, the individual? Facebook could be a forum killer. People no longer have to create 50 forums for 50 different interests. All you need is to find 10 people which multiple matching interests to yours.

Lists also allows for people to be unique, and that must appeal to the narcissist in all of us (see: global leaderboards on any online game). Facebook is not a game, we do not score points. There is no ladder to climb (unless having 1000 friends is the sort of thing that turns you on). Perhaps its the mentality that different people bring to Facebook. I for one think its ridiculous to live your life on Facebook. Let it be your tool, and not the other way round. It must enrich our lives and not destroy them (see: Catfish). And yet not everyone sees this, i guess. Some feel compelled to link everything to Facebook, to post everything in their status update. i mean, surely we dont need to know that so-and-so just earned 2 gazillion points in Bejeweled, or got another PSN trophy playing GT5. Its the beauty about Facebook. Its a personal broadcasting network. Its like the news. Its always on, regardless of whether people are watching. And for some people thats a good thing, because you dont get judged. When you actually tell someone you earned 2 gazillion points in Bejeweled, they may appear bored or uninterested, or perhaps even tell you that you are lame. But on Facebook, that cannot happen (there isnt yet a dislike button). In fact, quote the opposite. You dont know that anyone is listening, but you can hold on to the belief that someone, somewhere, is. And that's enough.

The one thing that i feel Facebook (and the Internet in general) sorely lacks, is the human connection. And its not surprising. The Internet is a very efficient tool, and it must be, for it to work as it does. Facebook is so elegently efficient in its processes and conceptual workings. "For all its industrial efficiency and scalability, its transhemipheric reach and grand civil integrity, Facebook is still a painfully blunt instrument for doing the delicate work of transmitting human relationships." (Time, Jan 2011) I think Facebook has to become more personal, and it takes two hands to clap. Facebook must allow for a greater sense of privacy, even if there is little more absolute privacy. We too must be more privy of what we are sharing. Sharing is good, but oversharing can lead to disasterous consequences.

At the end of the day, its about being careful. Facebook have done a good job, i think. They've managed to create social networks, without many of the common social problems. Of course it isn't perfect, and it perhaps should not ever be. But mapping out the intricities of human connections, not networks, is something much more complex. And we too must be more careful of how we are on and off Facebook. Adding a friend isn't quite the same as making a friend. We must not allow Facebook to oversimplify and compromise the very complex nature of human connections. And we too, shouldn't.

On Facebook, one is networked. Not connected. That much i am clear.

ArtScience Museum

http://inhabitat.com/lotus-shaped-singapore-artmuseum-collects-rain-and-light/new-11-65/

i must say, i think this is a great step forward. we need more of these kinds of stuff in singapore. looking past all the green hocus pocus, this is in essence an art museum, right smack in the middle of singapore.

"Singapore’s approach to the project is to attract not only tourists but to encourage cutting-edge thinking as part of its new economy."

hopefully. we need singaporeans to start doing stuff like this:

http://inhabitat.com/electricfied-tron-legacy-inspired-icehotel-suite-in-sweden/

and you know what i think should be in the museum? this:

The Revival

hello 2011.

my new year's resolution is to stop being such a bum. so first things first i shall revive this very much dead blog. it shall no longer be just a bunch of random ramblings, although i am sure there will still be a fair amount of that. i shall attempt to make it more significant. not so much a diary or journal, but a way of documenting the things that makes me who i am. i've kinda lost track of that the past 2 years.

one must also account for the fact that the attention span of a modern day youngster (yes, we are still young) has shortened to 160 characters. and that's all fine and dandy when you just want to comment on something, those spur of the moment happenings. no, blogging must equate to something more. something with more substance and quality. we dont need more headlines, just better articles.

every year my new years resolution amounts to the same thing - to be a better person. its vague enough for me to be able to bluff myself that yes, i have done it, yet its vague enough to be something achievable. in 2010, i think i have become a better person. i'm guessing responsibility does that to you.

all things considered, its been a good year. now hello, 2011.