wad did i expect anyway?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
just a little maybe
you recognise those times,
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
Friday, December 29, 2006
question markkkkkkkk
how can i ask pple to take me seriously, or not, when i myself dont know when to?
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
what it all away?
i've lost it.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
in her world
i've got so many secrets i wanna tell.
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
what if einstein was christian?
everyone's special is his or her own eyes. i believe that must be true, or else we'd never achieve anything more than we already have. and honestly, i think everyone, in some way or another, always puts himself before anyone else. thats just how it is. no man is an island. every man is a country.
oh ok my god wadeva
oh ok my god wadeva
titles hardly matter
now, the line's so blur, does it even matter anymore? even if i cross it, who will know?
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
lol haha lmao rofl
haha. all the fake hahas. they are everywhere. yet they mean nothing. no one is really laughing. no one really means anything after all. we're all so safe, so secure, behinds lines of text, texts of lines, no one can see us. more importantly, no one can feel us. ultimately, only one sound remains: silence. the itunes, the clickin of keys, the wooshing of the aircon, the strange buzzing in my ear, they mean nothing. they dont exist. the only thing that exist, the only thing that matters, is the silence.
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
my war
my war
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
merry effin christmas
here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
i found my greatest sex
recipe for a hot night out.
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
Saturday, December 23, 2006
PRESENT BITCH!
SOMEONE BUY ME A FUCKING GUITAR STAND FOR MY ACOUSTIC FOR CHRISTMAS. OR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. PLS PLS PLS. OK DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUITAR. THANKS. I LOVE YOU.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
its all not coming back to me
hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
touchdown
i'm back. who cares?
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
when we learn to say goodbye
sigh. enduring love, among other stuff from last year, is rushing back into my head. my rather tired head i should add.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
Friday, December 15, 2006
mother of sons
hmm i think now would be a good time to reflect back on a 2006 almost past. i tink i'll draft a letter to santa.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
they are fighting a war they'll never win
people dont understand.
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
switching with team blocgs
everything looks so much better from the outside.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
my brooding beauty
she.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
Monday, December 11, 2006
fuckin ikea
omg ikea is a giant piece of shit. seriously. damn pekchek lah. actually suppose to eat dinner at home, den suddenly my parents tell me go ikea i was like O_O den after dat go there, my face from :| become -_____-""/@_@ fucking hell go there eat must queue half an hour to get the food. and its not say very good or wad lah. i mean ok at least it wasnt bad, cos if it was i would haf murdered someone. i was soooo pissed off. and like its a fucking ripoff lah. 40cents for BUTTER -_-"" $4 for a carlsberg -________________-"""""""""""""' WTF. i hate ikea. i am never goin back to ikea tampines if i can help it. its not as if ikea is actually nice or wad. cos it isnt.
-.-
-.-
to mock is to mocketh
i am in one of those moods again. where everything is lousy, everyone sucks, everything sounds so goddamn stupid. why?
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
grand-narrative? try grand-irony
for some strange reason, i've recently taken to irony. in all its shapes and sizes.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
ZEN @_@
blogging is fucking zen.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
terribly disturbed
i am terribly disturbed by the fact that:
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
GONE
omg i'm too damn high. like >.> >.> >.> i haf learnt from today dat alcohol makes me high, nto drunk. and VERY red zomgwtf. and i've also learnt smthn, which is that when one is drunk, shuttup. HAHAHA. of course i wasnt drunk, but someone was at one point, and said stuff he/she shldnt haf HAHAHHAHAHAA :D:D:D:D lol lol lol. i'm fucking crazy. tom i'll wake up and be like "omg wtf did i do all dat last nite O_O" hshshshsh.
ROCK IT BABY!!!!!!!
omg omg omg i am so high. my brain is sane, my body is bloody drunk >.> hahahahahaha. i jus danced all the way home from the damn bus stop, and i was dancing and sashaying whilst i opened the door, and i'm dancing around hte hse in my boxers. WTF?!?? hahhahaha. i tink hk pple make me high lol. the wine jus made it worse lol x 10000. lol tthis doesnt sound like me, cos it isnt hahahahaa. i'm crazy. i jus karate kicked jus now, for no apparant reason. but i'm not dfrunk u noe. my mind is clear as ever. dickie talks abotu institutional art. SEE! muahahahahaha. omg die tom sure damn damn high oso. eee ok i'm cold i'm goin to put on some clothes. lalalalalalalalalalalalalzlzlzlallalalalala.
Friday, December 08, 2006
so -_-""
everytime i tink of smthn,
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
stupid ho
sigh. i'm very sad. inspiration pang seh me again and again and again.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
BOMBING BABY
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm high xDDDD
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
bohemian rap city!!!!!
something's scary.
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
at the end of the something
bleh i missed the tao nan outing. and now dat i tink about i tink i shldnt haf. cos its like we're all 16 goin on 17, and like its a really good time to meet up once more to jus see how everyone's doin, before steppin into jc life. and i'm tinkin, this hols is the best time to meet up with old frens. the timing is jus so, right. sigh. so now i'm tinkin i wan to meet old frens all over again. maybe one day i'll go find yijing joel they all, maybe the tuition pple, vs pple even, jus old mates.
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
Monday, December 04, 2006
du di du di
lol yuxuan posted and i shall rip a quiz. lalala. i got notin to do sia -.-
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
if nothing's missing, den everything's missing
ok so now that my head has kinda of cleared itself up, and my eyes arnt crossing each other everytime i look at something, i tink my thoughts are now straight. lalala. ok so i'm still slightly high, but ok nvm wtf.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
living the washing machine life
so i'm back, now,
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
quantaeom theorry and its manny benefitts
wad do u do when u don wan to tok but wan to be heard?
wad do u do when u don wan to think but wan to understand?
wad do u do when u don wan to think but wan to understand?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
aneoprinting
is there anything worse than thinking about thinking? i think not.
oh well.
neoprints are wonderful for preserving things long gone. u noe. its like our cheapskate way of making up for our poor memories. they say it changes when the sun goes down!!!!!!!! i haf this fleeting suspicion i'm already fucking insane. but it doesnt change the fact that neoprints rock. its a social activity dont u see?
ok whatever starlight is invading my fuckin head again.
oh well.
neoprints are wonderful for preserving things long gone. u noe. its like our cheapskate way of making up for our poor memories. they say it changes when the sun goes down!!!!!!!! i haf this fleeting suspicion i'm already fucking insane. but it doesnt change the fact that neoprints rock. its a social activity dont u see?
ok whatever starlight is invading my fuckin head again.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
when nobody understands anyone anymore
haha oh well, cant say i didnt see this coming.
my heart hurts. like theres this painful throb to it. and i thot i was like goin to die yesterday, when at one point there was this feeling of everything crushing my head. really. i guess at some point in time everyone's gotta feel like dying, just abit. theres this bitter taste in my mouth, after taste possibly. like wtf. ok i'm making shit sense.
its so funny, yet i think its so true. many pple cant take intensity. it scare the shit out of many pple i tink. it scares me quite abit. haven met many of such pple before, but the few that i haf they are scary, yet strangely fascinating, possibly even attractive. theres this smthn happening.
there are things to look at, and then there are things to have. i tink the distinction is very important. cos when they become the same thing, dats very saddening. the value of it is greatly reduced. u know...
fucking pissed off. this is so stupid, pointless, disastorous, horrible, fucked up, irritating and painful. wad morons.
my heart hurts. like theres this painful throb to it. and i thot i was like goin to die yesterday, when at one point there was this feeling of everything crushing my head. really. i guess at some point in time everyone's gotta feel like dying, just abit. theres this bitter taste in my mouth, after taste possibly. like wtf. ok i'm making shit sense.
its so funny, yet i think its so true. many pple cant take intensity. it scare the shit out of many pple i tink. it scares me quite abit. haven met many of such pple before, but the few that i haf they are scary, yet strangely fascinating, possibly even attractive. theres this smthn happening.
there are things to look at, and then there are things to have. i tink the distinction is very important. cos when they become the same thing, dats very saddening. the value of it is greatly reduced. u know...
fucking pissed off. this is so stupid, pointless, disastorous, horrible, fucked up, irritating and painful. wad morons.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
OMFG
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lqbt6X4ZgEI
OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD
this is jus wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy insane. its the craziest and best shit ever.
OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD OH MY FUCKIN GOD
this is jus wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy insane. its the craziest and best shit ever.
cos of her united states of whatever
quiz time, cos i'm so bored its gay.
1. First Name? desmond
2. Were you named after anyone? no -.-
3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes.
4. When did you last cry? considerin its 12.51, meaning its sat, 6 days ago.
5. Do you like your handwriting? fuck no.
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat? wtf is lunchmeat? and meat is meat.
7. What is your birth date? 6/2
8. Mountains or Beach? mountains.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? depeding on who the other person i am is. chances are, no.
10. Do you have a journal? a diary? yah.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? -.-
12. Do you have a nickname? dessy o.0
13. Would you bungee jump? yes. if i could afford it dat is.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? generally not. depends on the shoes/how the laces at tied.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? no, no, no.
16. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? rum and raisin.
17. Shoe Size? 10.5
18, What is your least favorite thing about yourself? if it had to be one thing, its gotta be my brain.
19. Who do you miss most? someone.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? no.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? pants, blue. shoes, colourless.
22. What are you listening to right now? my guitar. in terms of music zombie. alot alot alot of it.
23. Last thing you ate? raisin bread with nutella
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink, but nowadays black.
25. What is the weather? the weather is "the state of the atmosphere with respect to wind, temperature, cloudiness, moisture, pressure, etc."
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? aaron.
28. Something you notice about the opposite gender? erm, that they are female? wad kind of qn is this o.0
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? -
30. Favorite Drink? anything alcohol is fine.
31. What is your favorite sport? soccer.
32. Hair Color? black, sadly.
33. Eye Color? black
34. Do you wear contacts? no
35. Favorite Food? stupid qn.
36. Last Movie You Watched? uhhh, i watched national security on axn the other day. in cinemas it'll haf to be........cant rmb. oh yea. deathnote.
37. Favorite Day of the Year? none. christmas maybe.
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? happy. but den again, they arnt even comparable subjects. scary movies can haf happy endings no?
39. Summer or winter? winter. most definitely
40. Hugs or Kisses? i'll tell u when i've had both.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? not sure.
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
44. Living Arrangements? bad.
45. What book are you reading? notin at the moment
46. What is on Your Mouse Pad? the mouse? -.- but no. at the moment i ahf no idea where my mousepad fuckin is, consideirn i don use one, so no idea.
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? last night, meaning fri night, um, alot of stuff. i watched like 3 hrs straight. stupid mtv shows.
48. Favorite Sounds? silence.
49. What is the furthest you've been from home? japan o.0
50. What do you admire about yourself? wads there to admire?
i still maintain, that everything i say, everything i mean.
1. First Name? desmond
2. Were you named after anyone? no -.-
3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes.
4. When did you last cry? considerin its 12.51, meaning its sat, 6 days ago.
5. Do you like your handwriting? fuck no.
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat? wtf is lunchmeat? and meat is meat.
7. What is your birth date? 6/2
8. Mountains or Beach? mountains.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? depeding on who the other person i am is. chances are, no.
10. Do you have a journal? a diary? yah.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? -.-
12. Do you have a nickname? dessy o.0
13. Would you bungee jump? yes. if i could afford it dat is.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? generally not. depends on the shoes/how the laces at tied.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? no, no, no.
16. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? rum and raisin.
17. Shoe Size? 10.5
18, What is your least favorite thing about yourself? if it had to be one thing, its gotta be my brain.
19. Who do you miss most? someone.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? no.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? pants, blue. shoes, colourless.
22. What are you listening to right now? my guitar. in terms of music zombie. alot alot alot of it.
23. Last thing you ate? raisin bread with nutella
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink, but nowadays black.
25. What is the weather? the weather is "the state of the atmosphere with respect to wind, temperature, cloudiness, moisture, pressure, etc."
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? aaron.
28. Something you notice about the opposite gender? erm, that they are female? wad kind of qn is this o.0
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? -
30. Favorite Drink? anything alcohol is fine.
31. What is your favorite sport? soccer.
32. Hair Color? black, sadly.
33. Eye Color? black
34. Do you wear contacts? no
35. Favorite Food? stupid qn.
36. Last Movie You Watched? uhhh, i watched national security on axn the other day. in cinemas it'll haf to be........cant rmb. oh yea. deathnote.
37. Favorite Day of the Year? none. christmas maybe.
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? happy. but den again, they arnt even comparable subjects. scary movies can haf happy endings no?
39. Summer or winter? winter. most definitely
40. Hugs or Kisses? i'll tell u when i've had both.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? not sure.
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
44. Living Arrangements? bad.
45. What book are you reading? notin at the moment
46. What is on Your Mouse Pad? the mouse? -.- but no. at the moment i ahf no idea where my mousepad fuckin is, consideirn i don use one, so no idea.
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? last night, meaning fri night, um, alot of stuff. i watched like 3 hrs straight. stupid mtv shows.
48. Favorite Sounds? silence.
49. What is the furthest you've been from home? japan o.0
50. What do you admire about yourself? wads there to admire?
i still maintain, that everything i say, everything i mean.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
when everything's made to be broken, i just want u to know who i am...
haha. i love iris >.>
wee. my life has gone from meaningless to pointless to down right sad. hahahahaha. now i've fforgotten wad i was tinkin about. oh yes. last nite while i was lying in bed, i had a particular thought. every nite when we sleep, does anyone actually consciously tink that u are killing ureself? or rather at least setting ureself up for death? becos isnt it true? when we sleep we are at our most vulnerable, as we have no conscious knowledge of anything that is happenin to us. every nite we sleep, it could be the last thing that we ever do. isnt that just scary??
i realise alot of things are very scary.
like how one is never able to match up to his or her own potential. to know that it is possible, but to never attain that target. thats scary, stupid, and really irritatin. gah.
ok so i figured my blog is sorely lacking in colour and pics, and hence i shall like put up pics and shit. yay :D
hmmmm. wad to put up. lemme see.
now THATS how to sleep. wtf.
thats another cool way to sleep.
yea. the guy at the back looks uber extra hahahaha.
no comment.
wahahaha. dats a g chord o.0
ok wtf. yea wtf. i shall leave my thinkin for later.
wee. my life has gone from meaningless to pointless to down right sad. hahahahaha. now i've fforgotten wad i was tinkin about. oh yes. last nite while i was lying in bed, i had a particular thought. every nite when we sleep, does anyone actually consciously tink that u are killing ureself? or rather at least setting ureself up for death? becos isnt it true? when we sleep we are at our most vulnerable, as we have no conscious knowledge of anything that is happenin to us. every nite we sleep, it could be the last thing that we ever do. isnt that just scary??
i realise alot of things are very scary.
like how one is never able to match up to his or her own potential. to know that it is possible, but to never attain that target. thats scary, stupid, and really irritatin. gah.
ok so i figured my blog is sorely lacking in colour and pics, and hence i shall like put up pics and shit. yay :D
hmmmm. wad to put up. lemme see.
now THATS how to sleep. wtf.
thats another cool way to sleep.
yea. the guy at the back looks uber extra hahahaha.
no comment.
wahahaha. dats a g chord o.0
ok wtf. yea wtf. i shall leave my thinkin for later.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
i hate it. i know it
i miss having someone to talk to.
u know whats my problem? i tink too much. i make meaning when there is none, and that is never a bad thing. why? now thats another problem. i let myself tink too much. i don distract myself enough. i've got noting to do, cos i don wan to do anything. i'm in shit, but instead if trying to get out, i let myself sink further and further. will i hit a point where i can never ever get out? i don noe yet. i wonder if i'm pushin myself in that direction.
i always believe in my judgement. on my true honest judgement. i don thing that i believe i must, no matter what. and hell i'm willing to face up to the consequences. and i guess pple don really understand, that whilst i have tendencies to lie, to tell half-truths, to wadeva, at the end of the day, i haf certain fundamentals i stand by. and i guess thats prob why i'm so fucked up. i stick to my beliefs to much. warped beliefs, i shld say. but somehow, i cant imagine myself anyway else. i guess not many pple understand.
hahahahahaha.
its so funny. i'm a fence sitter in about every way. i want things, yet i don want them. i mean what i say, yet i don mean what i say. its all like a game. a sick, demented game. yet a game so intriuging, so tempting, its hard to resist. and i cant.
would things have been any better? can things be any better?
over the years, i've been told by many pple that i should change myself. for the better. make myself more likable. more sociable. but do i? of course not. as fucked up as i am, i like me just as i am. i dont want to change jus because its the best thing for me to do. i'm not trying to sound like some punk rebel or anything, even if i may seem to, but i mean thats just how it is. its about believing in ureself isnt it. trusting that ultimately, it is my life, and if i'm to screw up my life, at least i can blame me and only me. theres no such thing as "for the better". better is bullshit. better is compromising ure character, smthn i believe no one shld ever do. we are all individuals, we shld act like individuals, not all submit to some authoritarians ideology and become mindless fucking robots.
i like seeing happy pple. i'm happy for them. for having found smthn to be happy about. yet at the same time i feel sorry for them, cos i know that that happiness will soon run out, that it will eventually end, and then, and then they will fall harder than me. and i feel sorry for them. really.
a photograph is a truly fascinating object. it is one hell of a double edge sword. becos on one hand its a reminder of the good times in the past, and on the other hand its a reminder that the good times of the past are gone. to put it simply. and yet we always wan to take photos. so we're setting ourselves up for this agony no? why?? photos are also very interesting, as they have the ability to do smthn nothing else can, that is, stopping time. time is contantly moving, contantly chaging, and constantly running out. photos are the only way we can, in a sense, stop time. it is of course jus a play on the human mind, but a good one, and a necessary one, nonetheless.
and there i go again, locking up another memory, locking up another poison, locking up yet another knife.
u know whats my problem? i tink too much. i make meaning when there is none, and that is never a bad thing. why? now thats another problem. i let myself tink too much. i don distract myself enough. i've got noting to do, cos i don wan to do anything. i'm in shit, but instead if trying to get out, i let myself sink further and further. will i hit a point where i can never ever get out? i don noe yet. i wonder if i'm pushin myself in that direction.
i always believe in my judgement. on my true honest judgement. i don thing that i believe i must, no matter what. and hell i'm willing to face up to the consequences. and i guess pple don really understand, that whilst i have tendencies to lie, to tell half-truths, to wadeva, at the end of the day, i haf certain fundamentals i stand by. and i guess thats prob why i'm so fucked up. i stick to my beliefs to much. warped beliefs, i shld say. but somehow, i cant imagine myself anyway else. i guess not many pple understand.
hahahahahaha.
its so funny. i'm a fence sitter in about every way. i want things, yet i don want them. i mean what i say, yet i don mean what i say. its all like a game. a sick, demented game. yet a game so intriuging, so tempting, its hard to resist. and i cant.
would things have been any better? can things be any better?
over the years, i've been told by many pple that i should change myself. for the better. make myself more likable. more sociable. but do i? of course not. as fucked up as i am, i like me just as i am. i dont want to change jus because its the best thing for me to do. i'm not trying to sound like some punk rebel or anything, even if i may seem to, but i mean thats just how it is. its about believing in ureself isnt it. trusting that ultimately, it is my life, and if i'm to screw up my life, at least i can blame me and only me. theres no such thing as "for the better". better is bullshit. better is compromising ure character, smthn i believe no one shld ever do. we are all individuals, we shld act like individuals, not all submit to some authoritarians ideology and become mindless fucking robots.
i like seeing happy pple. i'm happy for them. for having found smthn to be happy about. yet at the same time i feel sorry for them, cos i know that that happiness will soon run out, that it will eventually end, and then, and then they will fall harder than me. and i feel sorry for them. really.
a photograph is a truly fascinating object. it is one hell of a double edge sword. becos on one hand its a reminder of the good times in the past, and on the other hand its a reminder that the good times of the past are gone. to put it simply. and yet we always wan to take photos. so we're setting ourselves up for this agony no? why?? photos are also very interesting, as they have the ability to do smthn nothing else can, that is, stopping time. time is contantly moving, contantly chaging, and constantly running out. photos are the only way we can, in a sense, stop time. it is of course jus a play on the human mind, but a good one, and a necessary one, nonetheless.
and there i go again, locking up another memory, locking up another poison, locking up yet another knife.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
the ultra-manipulistic view of human nature
i'm at crossroads again. come to think of it, i always am.
i know, i know, that i am mroe than one person. there are a few mes. i tink everyone has a few thems. the happy them, the sad them, the fuck u them, the fucked up them, everyone has all these thems. what makes pple uniquely different from each other is the predominance of one particular self over the others. much like how 0.1% HCl is diff from 1% HCl is diff from 10% HCl. u noe wad i mean. these different facets of ourselves all coexist side by side, hand in hand, but i don tink they ever overlap. but for me i'm not sure i haf a predominant side. its like, i flit between 2 particular selves very very often, effortlessly. the happy, oh-the-world-rocks-theres-nothing-to-be-sad-about self, to the fuck-the-damn-world-its-full-of-shit self. and its not like one day i'm one and another day i'm another, altho dat is often the case. however, its become quite a common thing for me to switch between these 2 selves in the space of minutes.
i tink it has to do with the environment. the things aorund us. they give these selves reason to exist. ok i need to name these selves things. ok i shall call them......part-selves. yes. well, i tink part-selves are created by our constant interaction with environment. humans are social creatures, i agree, and hence the need for part-selves. to allow us to adapt from one situation to another. i tink its important we realise this about ourselves. that we are not jus one character through and through. well actually we are, as our character is determined by our composition of part-selves. it makes us who we are. and i guess certain environments favour particular part-selves as opposed to others. much like how a deserted island would favour a person with a more predominant survival,savage part-selve than one with a more high class part-selve.
and this brings me to another view point. on human interactions and instances they dont exist. accordin to science, so i hear, happiness is the result of the fine balance of hormones and what not. whilst i cannot dispute this, since my grasp of science is so pathetic its laughable, i offer an alternative view. i believe that happiness is only possible, and hence should be viewed as the state of human nature, that exist when one is distracted. by distracted i mean instances when the individual is unable to question himself, unable to run doubts through his head. these instances include when one is socially interacting, such as hanging out with frens, or when one is involved in adrenaline related activities. this is because the individual is thus unable to "think" in the sense, where he is but just acting, jus doing things. this, is happiness.
i take a very pessimistic view of human nature. i believe that the natural state of human nature is one of sadness, loneliness, of despair, and ultimately of depression. when we are alone, when we are allowed to think, when we use our capability to reflect, that is when we see, understand, and feel sadness. i would in fact go as far as saying that humans suffer because of their abillity to think, their abillity to reason. because of our naturally pessimistic ways, when we reason, we can only ever reason things to be negative. things cannot be good, cannot be happy, cannot be right. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
i tink the greatest achievement one can attain in life, is to estabilish a means not to counter, but to adapt this naturaly pessimistic human nature in such a way it works. we cannot try to be happy all the time, yet we must not allow ourselves to be sad all the time. we must find a way to turn some of our sadness to happiness, yet we must retain some pessimistic ways, to remind us of reality.
this is why i wan to be a psychologist. i feel that it is the one profession that allows for this. because u are able to take other pple's pesismistic thoughts and feelings, and manipulate it in such a way to make the person feel, or at least believe he feels, happier. in a sense, it is stopping a thinking individual from thinking. albeit temporary, but smthn is better den nothing. becuase in this case, nothing condemns the individual to eternal suffering. and as a psychologist, one prob is able to obtain a certain amount of pleasure out of helping others, yet one can delve deeper and deeper into the human mind. isnt that just fascinating?
and whats more? it makes one powerful. and i tink thats what we crave for more than anything else. power.
of course, everything could be absolute rubbish, we could just be living in a virtual hyperreality, and to top things all off, the world may not even exist. now dig that, sucker.
i know, i know, that i am mroe than one person. there are a few mes. i tink everyone has a few thems. the happy them, the sad them, the fuck u them, the fucked up them, everyone has all these thems. what makes pple uniquely different from each other is the predominance of one particular self over the others. much like how 0.1% HCl is diff from 1% HCl is diff from 10% HCl. u noe wad i mean. these different facets of ourselves all coexist side by side, hand in hand, but i don tink they ever overlap. but for me i'm not sure i haf a predominant side. its like, i flit between 2 particular selves very very often, effortlessly. the happy, oh-the-world-rocks-theres-nothing-to-be-sad-about self, to the fuck-the-damn-world-its-full-of-shit self. and its not like one day i'm one and another day i'm another, altho dat is often the case. however, its become quite a common thing for me to switch between these 2 selves in the space of minutes.
i tink it has to do with the environment. the things aorund us. they give these selves reason to exist. ok i need to name these selves things. ok i shall call them......part-selves. yes. well, i tink part-selves are created by our constant interaction with environment. humans are social creatures, i agree, and hence the need for part-selves. to allow us to adapt from one situation to another. i tink its important we realise this about ourselves. that we are not jus one character through and through. well actually we are, as our character is determined by our composition of part-selves. it makes us who we are. and i guess certain environments favour particular part-selves as opposed to others. much like how a deserted island would favour a person with a more predominant survival,savage part-selve than one with a more high class part-selve.
and this brings me to another view point. on human interactions and instances they dont exist. accordin to science, so i hear, happiness is the result of the fine balance of hormones and what not. whilst i cannot dispute this, since my grasp of science is so pathetic its laughable, i offer an alternative view. i believe that happiness is only possible, and hence should be viewed as the state of human nature, that exist when one is distracted. by distracted i mean instances when the individual is unable to question himself, unable to run doubts through his head. these instances include when one is socially interacting, such as hanging out with frens, or when one is involved in adrenaline related activities. this is because the individual is thus unable to "think" in the sense, where he is but just acting, jus doing things. this, is happiness.
i take a very pessimistic view of human nature. i believe that the natural state of human nature is one of sadness, loneliness, of despair, and ultimately of depression. when we are alone, when we are allowed to think, when we use our capability to reflect, that is when we see, understand, and feel sadness. i would in fact go as far as saying that humans suffer because of their abillity to think, their abillity to reason. because of our naturally pessimistic ways, when we reason, we can only ever reason things to be negative. things cannot be good, cannot be happy, cannot be right. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
i tink the greatest achievement one can attain in life, is to estabilish a means not to counter, but to adapt this naturaly pessimistic human nature in such a way it works. we cannot try to be happy all the time, yet we must not allow ourselves to be sad all the time. we must find a way to turn some of our sadness to happiness, yet we must retain some pessimistic ways, to remind us of reality.
this is why i wan to be a psychologist. i feel that it is the one profession that allows for this. because u are able to take other pple's pesismistic thoughts and feelings, and manipulate it in such a way to make the person feel, or at least believe he feels, happier. in a sense, it is stopping a thinking individual from thinking. albeit temporary, but smthn is better den nothing. becuase in this case, nothing condemns the individual to eternal suffering. and as a psychologist, one prob is able to obtain a certain amount of pleasure out of helping others, yet one can delve deeper and deeper into the human mind. isnt that just fascinating?
and whats more? it makes one powerful. and i tink thats what we crave for more than anything else. power.
of course, everything could be absolute rubbish, we could just be living in a virtual hyperreality, and to top things all off, the world may not even exist. now dig that, sucker.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
a subra of a post
ok so i figured after readin subra's post i shld also look at my most played list. itunes they haf the top 25 played thing, and its actually quite cool.
pause.
1. headspin - rise electric, 133. no surprise.
2. headpin (rockstar supernova) - lukas rossi, 100. erm, yea. nice number :D
3. runaway train - soul asylum, 76. aha. i love this song. too much i tink. its very depressing.
4. rebel yell (live acoustic) - billy idol, 75. zomg the crazy song. bahhhhhh.
5. work - jimmy eat world, 71. haha. this song was top of the list for a very long time. wee.
6. blind - lifehouse, 70. this is there prob cos of my lifehoues phase, where i was listening to blind and spin on replay or smthn.
7. spin - lifehouse, 66. see above.
8. nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics, 63. if u haven heard this song, u deserve to DIE. but den this song i figured if i listened to it more den 10 times in a row i might actually really cry, so yea.
9. memory (acoustic) - sugarcult, 58. hahahahaha. another phase, where i basically listened to this song non-stop.
10. hate me - blue october, 56. definitely the hate me phase. nothing else to it. i hardly listen to this song anymore.
11. pieces - sum 41, 54. actually this song is very old. i was listenin to it alot last yr i tink, when it was a whole lot more, apt.
12. rebell yell (rockstar supernova) - toby rand, 54. hahahaha. i rmb this one. it was one wed night where basically i was up till 3am head banging to this song \m/
13. history - funeral for a friend, 53. the history/curses phase. and prob also another emo phase. its passed.
14. trees (rockstar inxs) - marty casey, 53. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) weeeeeeee.
15. iris - goo goo dolls, 52. haha. this was way back. nowadays i'm jus playin iris on guitar ALOT. which i guess is reasonable considerin we're playin it for prom lol.
16. sweet child - guns n roses, 51. another phase. the zomg gnr phase. wayyyy past.
17. curses - bullet for my valentine, 50. see history/13.
18. dont cry - gnr, 49. see 16.
19. diary of jane - breaking benjamin, 48. i don listen to it dat much nowadays, when i do i listen to all bb songs.
20. zombie (acoustic) - the cranberries, 48. its jus the damn song. i can listen to it a million times and still love it.
altho i tink this list isnt accurate. cos nowadays i'm not listenin to itunes dat much. sadly nowadays i'm playin wc/dota more. which is very pathetic. altho if i used my ipod as a true reflection, i tink there'll only be like 5 songs or smthn. recently, when i leave the house i tend to listen to nothing but zombie, memory, iris, iris live, zombie acoustic, warmness on the soul, yea. dats about it. damn. my grammer is teh suxxorz.
pause.
1. headspin - rise electric, 133. no surprise.
2. headpin (rockstar supernova) - lukas rossi, 100. erm, yea. nice number :D
3. runaway train - soul asylum, 76. aha. i love this song. too much i tink. its very depressing.
4. rebel yell (live acoustic) - billy idol, 75. zomg the crazy song. bahhhhhh.
5. work - jimmy eat world, 71. haha. this song was top of the list for a very long time. wee.
6. blind - lifehouse, 70. this is there prob cos of my lifehoues phase, where i was listening to blind and spin on replay or smthn.
7. spin - lifehouse, 66. see above.
8. nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics, 63. if u haven heard this song, u deserve to DIE. but den this song i figured if i listened to it more den 10 times in a row i might actually really cry, so yea.
9. memory (acoustic) - sugarcult, 58. hahahahaha. another phase, where i basically listened to this song non-stop.
10. hate me - blue october, 56. definitely the hate me phase. nothing else to it. i hardly listen to this song anymore.
11. pieces - sum 41, 54. actually this song is very old. i was listenin to it alot last yr i tink, when it was a whole lot more, apt.
12. rebell yell (rockstar supernova) - toby rand, 54. hahahaha. i rmb this one. it was one wed night where basically i was up till 3am head banging to this song \m/
13. history - funeral for a friend, 53. the history/curses phase. and prob also another emo phase. its passed.
14. trees (rockstar inxs) - marty casey, 53. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) weeeeeeee.
15. iris - goo goo dolls, 52. haha. this was way back. nowadays i'm jus playin iris on guitar ALOT. which i guess is reasonable considerin we're playin it for prom lol.
16. sweet child - guns n roses, 51. another phase. the zomg gnr phase. wayyyy past.
17. curses - bullet for my valentine, 50. see history/13.
18. dont cry - gnr, 49. see 16.
19. diary of jane - breaking benjamin, 48. i don listen to it dat much nowadays, when i do i listen to all bb songs.
20. zombie (acoustic) - the cranberries, 48. its jus the damn song. i can listen to it a million times and still love it.
altho i tink this list isnt accurate. cos nowadays i'm not listenin to itunes dat much. sadly nowadays i'm playin wc/dota more. which is very pathetic. altho if i used my ipod as a true reflection, i tink there'll only be like 5 songs or smthn. recently, when i leave the house i tend to listen to nothing but zombie, memory, iris, iris live, zombie acoustic, warmness on the soul, yea. dats about it. damn. my grammer is teh suxxorz.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
estranged
i look back, and i realise,
hey, it all feels like a dream.
and maybe, maybe it is.
afterall, my life has always been about dreams.
dreams, nightmares, fantasies, premonitions,
everything.
the sad part is, i can never rmb them dreams.
its like they keep eluding me.
i can remember them in the weirdest times,
like when i'm bathing or shit,
but i can never rmb them when i wan to.
dats fucked up.
do u have any idea how sad it is to move on?
or rather, not to move on.
i'm constantly paralysed in my past,
trapped in photographs,
in letters, in diaries,
stuck.
its funny even, the way things change.
i guess they have to.
things all have a way of coming back to haunt you.
escape death, and it follows ure every step.
run away, and ure but running back towards the edge.
the degeneration of conversation,
its really very sad.
worse still that i till now, dont know why.
it all jus, happened.
and jus like that,
everything fell apart.
just. like. that.
maybe. my life's all about maybes.
maybe this maybe that,
maybe maybe maybe.
fuck maybe.
i wish it'll all just stop.
den again, its jus me.
i keep on screwing myself up,
i keep on letting myself and others down.
the worse part is,
i know it.
i know it'll happen,
i know i'm out to fail,
yet i do it nonetheless.
i'm setting myself up for failure,
i'm setting others up for disappointment and hurt.
why???
my life is a conflicting mess.
i want to be alone,
but i dont want to be left alone.
i want to know the truth,
but i cant stand hearing the truth.
i wan to succeed,
yet i'm more than happy to fail.
i wan to do so many things,
yet i only wan to eat and sleep.
i wan to be liked,
i wan to be hated.
i wan to fall apart,
yet i wish pple would hold me together.
u noe, i tink i deceive myself too much.
i'm deluding myself.
i'm blinded by my very eyes.
i like secrets.
i like living a lie.
i like hiding things.
i like running away.
i like deception.
i like discontinuity.
i like mysteries.
the truth hurts.
even if no one but yourself knows it.
in fact, it hurts even more.
it burns from the inside,
wanting to tear its way out into the open.
the effort just to restrain it,
it takes so much out of a person.
if u only knew,
i'm scared, you're scared,
we're all shitting in our pants.
yet no one says a word.
we're all too perfect.
theres so much we could bring to each other,
but no, no chance.
we're all too certain who we are is who we will be.
theres no changing that.
its been a long wait now,
and hopefully, its about to end.
or not.
maybe sometime from now,
the truth will be told once and for all.
maybe we wont be so afraid anymore.
maybe we'd have grown up,
moved on, overcome our mental inertia,
to allow things to happen jus as they do.
maybe it will somehow all work out.
u see, more maybes.
i sound like a baby.
i wonder what it'd be like if we only knew,
if we only gave that one more chance,
if we could only see,
how its really not like it seems to you and me.
theres so much to be had,
its crazy, but somehow,
its not.
its not over u noe.
it'll still go on.
its hard to change things so definite,
so certain.
i mean, the record speaks for itself.
you, are just like that.
its like, every keeps saying,
next time, next time.
i wonder how many more next times u'll have,
until u finally run out of time.
den everything comes crashing down over your head,
and u'll find,
that you're better off on ure own.
u need it. trust me.
all this nothingness is killing me.
i need to do something, anything.
well nto anything anything,
but something anything.
i need to preoccupy my mind,
to keep it from, i dunno,
murdering itself.
goin round and round in circles,
tracing line after line after line that dont exist,
u noe wad i mean.
nowadays,
i feel like i'm running out of things to say.
that, or i'm jus running out of energy to even say anything.
its pointless.
i laugh silently,
i smirk,
i roll my eyes,
i smile,
i tear,
i clench my fists,
but i keep silent.
its worth the torture i tink.
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep,
There's no way out,
This time I have really led myself astray...
hey, it all feels like a dream.
and maybe, maybe it is.
afterall, my life has always been about dreams.
dreams, nightmares, fantasies, premonitions,
everything.
the sad part is, i can never rmb them dreams.
its like they keep eluding me.
i can remember them in the weirdest times,
like when i'm bathing or shit,
but i can never rmb them when i wan to.
dats fucked up.
do u have any idea how sad it is to move on?
or rather, not to move on.
i'm constantly paralysed in my past,
trapped in photographs,
in letters, in diaries,
stuck.
its funny even, the way things change.
i guess they have to.
things all have a way of coming back to haunt you.
escape death, and it follows ure every step.
run away, and ure but running back towards the edge.
the degeneration of conversation,
its really very sad.
worse still that i till now, dont know why.
it all jus, happened.
and jus like that,
everything fell apart.
just. like. that.
maybe. my life's all about maybes.
maybe this maybe that,
maybe maybe maybe.
fuck maybe.
i wish it'll all just stop.
den again, its jus me.
i keep on screwing myself up,
i keep on letting myself and others down.
the worse part is,
i know it.
i know it'll happen,
i know i'm out to fail,
yet i do it nonetheless.
i'm setting myself up for failure,
i'm setting others up for disappointment and hurt.
why???
my life is a conflicting mess.
i want to be alone,
but i dont want to be left alone.
i want to know the truth,
but i cant stand hearing the truth.
i wan to succeed,
yet i'm more than happy to fail.
i wan to do so many things,
yet i only wan to eat and sleep.
i wan to be liked,
i wan to be hated.
i wan to fall apart,
yet i wish pple would hold me together.
u noe, i tink i deceive myself too much.
i'm deluding myself.
i'm blinded by my very eyes.
i like secrets.
i like living a lie.
i like hiding things.
i like running away.
i like deception.
i like discontinuity.
i like mysteries.
the truth hurts.
even if no one but yourself knows it.
in fact, it hurts even more.
it burns from the inside,
wanting to tear its way out into the open.
the effort just to restrain it,
it takes so much out of a person.
if u only knew,
i'm scared, you're scared,
we're all shitting in our pants.
yet no one says a word.
we're all too perfect.
theres so much we could bring to each other,
but no, no chance.
we're all too certain who we are is who we will be.
theres no changing that.
its been a long wait now,
and hopefully, its about to end.
or not.
maybe sometime from now,
the truth will be told once and for all.
maybe we wont be so afraid anymore.
maybe we'd have grown up,
moved on, overcome our mental inertia,
to allow things to happen jus as they do.
maybe it will somehow all work out.
u see, more maybes.
i sound like a baby.
i wonder what it'd be like if we only knew,
if we only gave that one more chance,
if we could only see,
how its really not like it seems to you and me.
theres so much to be had,
its crazy, but somehow,
its not.
its not over u noe.
it'll still go on.
its hard to change things so definite,
so certain.
i mean, the record speaks for itself.
you, are just like that.
its like, every keeps saying,
next time, next time.
i wonder how many more next times u'll have,
until u finally run out of time.
den everything comes crashing down over your head,
and u'll find,
that you're better off on ure own.
u need it. trust me.
all this nothingness is killing me.
i need to do something, anything.
well nto anything anything,
but something anything.
i need to preoccupy my mind,
to keep it from, i dunno,
murdering itself.
goin round and round in circles,
tracing line after line after line that dont exist,
u noe wad i mean.
nowadays,
i feel like i'm running out of things to say.
that, or i'm jus running out of energy to even say anything.
its pointless.
i laugh silently,
i smirk,
i roll my eyes,
i smile,
i tear,
i clench my fists,
but i keep silent.
its worth the torture i tink.
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep,
There's no way out,
This time I have really led myself astray...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooody
i'm so moody.
sigh.
i hate it how i'm so controlled by my moods,
as opposed to being in control of my moods.
or at least maintainin some form of order even with mood swings.
its one of the many things in life i have yet to master.
sometimes, i feel like i'm half of a person.
its like, i'm only being half of hu i really am.
its liek at certain times, in certain contexts,
i am a certain person.
and it all changes.
and i tink dats quite scary.
cos den i'm no one.
do u feel scared?
are u afraid?
will u fucking die for him?
is this the be all and end all?
i think these are questions we should constantly be asking ourselves.
nope my brain isnt working. i'm now mentally stoned, even if i'm physically still holdin up. fuck it. i'm off to sleep.
sigh.
i hate it how i'm so controlled by my moods,
as opposed to being in control of my moods.
or at least maintainin some form of order even with mood swings.
its one of the many things in life i have yet to master.
sometimes, i feel like i'm half of a person.
its like, i'm only being half of hu i really am.
its liek at certain times, in certain contexts,
i am a certain person.
and it all changes.
and i tink dats quite scary.
cos den i'm no one.
do u feel scared?
are u afraid?
will u fucking die for him?
is this the be all and end all?
i think these are questions we should constantly be asking ourselves.
nope my brain isnt working. i'm now mentally stoned, even if i'm physically still holdin up. fuck it. i'm off to sleep.
tears in heaven
wads better den walking alone, along a long straight path, at 3pm in the afternoon, with rain pouring down, listening to iris?
its doing the exact same thing, only at 12mn.
yes.
whilst i havent actually done that, i noe it'll jus be soooooo great.
u noe, my life feels like an unfilmed film.
there are so many filmy moments.
ha.
ha.
its doing the exact same thing, only at 12mn.
yes.
whilst i havent actually done that, i noe it'll jus be soooooo great.
u noe, my life feels like an unfilmed film.
there are so many filmy moments.
ha.
ha.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
KI OR GP?!?!?!?!?
fuck i cant decide which to take. i'm scared that if i take ki i wont put in the work, which will really suck. it'll screw me up bad. but den again, i want to take ki, cos the subject interests me. its alot more interestin den gp imo. which brings me to gp. the thing about gp is that i guess its the safer option. but do i want a safer option? what if it becomes another sian subject, which would den result in me not putting in work, which will still screw my grades. i really dunno. am i willing to put in the effort? i mean, i say i am. i tell myself that if it interests me i'll put in effort. thing is, am i sure? no. of course not. now wad? and there is the elitist issue. all my life i've always been in these positions. tao nan gep, vsgep (especially), ip, and if i take ki, now ki. but i mean it won be an unfamiliar feeling. but thing is, would taking gp make me more 'normal'? would it mean i'm one with the rest? would taking ki make me elitist? and does ki really make me anymore elitist? i mean, i'm entering jc which the vip written all over me. isnt dat elitist enough? and most importantly, does all these elitist talk really matter? and also what about the ki students themselves. i'm guessing 1/3-1/2 of the ki pple will be from vip, which is good and bad, cos if i'm unlikely and get stuck with pple i dislike, gg to me man. its jus so gonna blow. and i don wan dat happening. and dang was saying how its possible to drop ki to gp, but i;m tinkin if its a risk i want to take. if i wan to do law, is it safer to take gp? will i necessarily score better in gp den ki? ARGH. damn they shld never have invented this ki thing. bleh. decision decision decision.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
fuck you and fuck you too
i am pissed. fuck sia. my dad's a fucking big piece of shit. this is ridicufuckinlous. it really is. the hols are over, and since now he cant say fuck about me needin to study, now he goes on and on abotu how i'm obesessed and addicted to the fucking comp and guitar. i mean fuck that. its stupid. he somehow cannot accept the fact that i actually like and enjoy certain stuff. its sad. very sad. actually i'm not sure i'm pissed or anything. i'm jus...i dunno how to describe it. its like a cold kind of anger. or smthn like that. frozen fire. u noe. its damn fucked up lah. its like he is jus constantly trying to deprive me of anything i enjoy. use comp not happy, play guitar not happy, sleep late not happy, sleep early not happy, wake up late not happy, wake up early not happy, notin to do stone oso not happy. he is really jus damn screwed up. his whole life is about packing stuff and arranging stuff and packing and arranging mroe stuff. its lame lah. theres only so much u can pack and arrange. it comes to a point where theres nothing left to arrange.
sigh. i cant wait for army man. i really cant wait. ironically, its gonna be 2 yrs of freedom. 2 yrs of not having to care about being fucked up by ure own parents. i don care how much i suffer during army, knowing that i will. its better, considerin its worth it, wheras this? fuck this. it aint worth nothin but a whole bucket of pig shit.
i bother. u see, i do.
maybe that's why...
sigh. i cant wait for army man. i really cant wait. ironically, its gonna be 2 yrs of freedom. 2 yrs of not having to care about being fucked up by ure own parents. i don care how much i suffer during army, knowing that i will. its better, considerin its worth it, wheras this? fuck this. it aint worth nothin but a whole bucket of pig shit.
i bother. u see, i do.
maybe that's why...
of better or better more
damn. i live for days like this man. wooo. i love the rain. lalalalala. if i were god, everyday would rain like a bitch. its jus so...comfortable. the natural aircon, the feeling of rain splashing onto ure face, winds blowing thru ure hair. in these kinds of weathers, i hate being at home. i totally hate it. i want to be out there, drowning in the rain, getting soaked right thru. i tink its somewhat therapeutic. zz therapeutic is a word i've been usin too often. but seriously. these kinds of weathers are best for sitting at the beach or in some open field. ok not sitting maybe lying down, jus relaxing, not having to think about anything. its so beautiful. and wads more everyone would be at home or in some sheltered place, so u literally have the whole world to ureself!! isnt dat jus wonderful? sigh. why am i at home. bloggin -.-
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
its time for us to say goodbye
i realised smthn today. i like briyani. its like soooo nice. haha. and i also like awards shows. i tink its cos u realise that as human as those pple are (esp athletes), they sometimes really arnt human. they mean so much more. its like how a team can represent a whole state. and also many a times, athletes inspire us. and i find it quite a joy to watch. take the steelers for example. they really are the true inspirational story. the came out of nowhere, had a bunch of rookies, somehow managed the best defence in the country, had a quarterback with the longest surname ever (O_O), and they win the superbowl. i mean wad can i say. i wish i were in those positions. to be part of something amazing. of course its wishful tinkin. it'll never happen. haha but i still tink about it. and its aa very attractive proposition. its like watching those great great soccer goals. it takes your breath away.
Monday, October 23, 2006
flattened with boredom
i'm a sucker for depressing music.
i dunno why, but its the most comforting type of music for me.
even more so den headbanging rock.
somehow.
i'm so in love with runaway train. i mean, the lyrics are depressingly wonderful.
Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blow torch burnin
I was a key that could use a little turnin
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Chorus
Runaway train never goin back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And Everything seems cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it
CHORUS
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little outta touch, little insane
Just easier than dealin with the pain
CHORUS
Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
I runaway but it always seems the same
it jus doesnt get better then that, depressing songs.
and i'm not sure i understand my obsession with depressing music.
i'm not a depressed person,
i don tink i'm depressing,
so its queer.
i wish i could drown in your meaningless...
i dunno why, but its the most comforting type of music for me.
even more so den headbanging rock.
somehow.
i'm so in love with runaway train. i mean, the lyrics are depressingly wonderful.
Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blow torch burnin
I was a key that could use a little turnin
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Chorus
Runaway train never goin back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And Everything seems cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it
CHORUS
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little outta touch, little insane
Just easier than dealin with the pain
CHORUS
Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
I runaway but it always seems the same
it jus doesnt get better then that, depressing songs.
and i'm not sure i understand my obsession with depressing music.
i'm not a depressed person,
i don tink i'm depressing,
so its queer.
i wish i could drown in your meaningless...
Saturday, October 21, 2006
in a dearth
what is perfect?
its a really very interesting idea, that of perfection. i mean, its all relative isnt it? because of u take perfection to the the balance of say right and wrong, good and evil, then everythings perfect. if equilibrium is perfect, then everything is perfect. because everyone/thing is but a balance of many different things. so everyones perfect. i mean, reaaaally how do consider smthn perfect? jus because smthn is the best doesnt mean its perfect. so then wad can we define as perfect? smthn flawless? surely not.
i don noe. tell me somebody.
ok now i want an elec very very very badly. and a gd amp and possibly an effects pedal. shhh. don tell anyone. (!)
its a really very interesting idea, that of perfection. i mean, its all relative isnt it? because of u take perfection to the the balance of say right and wrong, good and evil, then everythings perfect. if equilibrium is perfect, then everything is perfect. because everyone/thing is but a balance of many different things. so everyones perfect. i mean, reaaaally how do consider smthn perfect? jus because smthn is the best doesnt mean its perfect. so then wad can we define as perfect? smthn flawless? surely not.
i don noe. tell me somebody.
ok now i want an elec very very very badly. and a gd amp and possibly an effects pedal. shhh. don tell anyone. (!)
Friday, October 20, 2006
it really is the end the end
hm ok so i noe there are gonna be a mad flury of posts, about 2 yrs in ip and how its all over and shit. and i mean face it it is true. the 2 yrs is almost over. i tink prom will be the last time we'll be together as an ip batch, and i hope its a memorable one.
its been an eventful year end. and its slightly ironic how it all ends i tink. the so called pioneers of ip are technically leaving now, considerin we are gone (from ip), koh's gone, mrs chan's oso gone. and it kinds sucks.
i'm so looking forward to jc now. because as much fun as ip has been, it has also been painful in quite a few ways. and i guess a change of environment (sort of) will do me some good. its not like all the fucked up stuff will go away, but there will be new different ones. challeneges, as i see it.
i tink i might construct smthn for my own eoy. just to i dunno. ah but i do.
closure. i'm a person that requires closure. thats jus how it is.
its been an eventful year end. and its slightly ironic how it all ends i tink. the so called pioneers of ip are technically leaving now, considerin we are gone (from ip), koh's gone, mrs chan's oso gone. and it kinds sucks.
i'm so looking forward to jc now. because as much fun as ip has been, it has also been painful in quite a few ways. and i guess a change of environment (sort of) will do me some good. its not like all the fucked up stuff will go away, but there will be new different ones. challeneges, as i see it.
i tink i might construct smthn for my own eoy. just to i dunno. ah but i do.
closure. i'm a person that requires closure. thats jus how it is.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
i'm in love with the ordinary
i am contented.
i think thats the most accurate way to describe myself right now.
i'm not terribly happy with what i have,
i'm not terribly depressed over what i have,
and hence i am jus contented.
dont u just wish we could all live secret lives?
do things no one else would ever know?
i want to live a secret live.
it'll be liberating, yet at the same time thrilling,
much like spiderman.
dangerous, but funky.
and snogging in the rain upside down is a plus.
i want to live aa secret live.
i want to be able to know that i am safe,
safe form the probing eyes and ears of society,
free from lust love and glory.
its funny, how you strut around,
acting as if you knew what was goin on.
acting like you were so capable,
yet at the same time putting on that facade.
the emo kid, directionless in life,
never succeeding, always jus getting through.
its painful to watch,
and even more painful,
when you know that deep down inside,
there are things you are afraid to say.
afraid to tell others,
afraid what it might say of you.
and because of that,
i detest you.
i've learnt that once of the most impt things in life,
is to learn to live life as it is.
to deal with things thrown at you,
with courage, yet fear.
with determination, yet hesitation.
it is in this paradoxical aprroach,
this ambiguious lie,
that will see us through,
the depths of space and time.
i think thats the most accurate way to describe myself right now.
i'm not terribly happy with what i have,
i'm not terribly depressed over what i have,
and hence i am jus contented.
dont u just wish we could all live secret lives?
do things no one else would ever know?
i want to live a secret live.
it'll be liberating, yet at the same time thrilling,
much like spiderman.
dangerous, but funky.
and snogging in the rain upside down is a plus.
i want to live aa secret live.
i want to be able to know that i am safe,
safe form the probing eyes and ears of society,
free from lust love and glory.
its funny, how you strut around,
acting as if you knew what was goin on.
acting like you were so capable,
yet at the same time putting on that facade.
the emo kid, directionless in life,
never succeeding, always jus getting through.
its painful to watch,
and even more painful,
when you know that deep down inside,
there are things you are afraid to say.
afraid to tell others,
afraid what it might say of you.
and because of that,
i detest you.
i've learnt that once of the most impt things in life,
is to learn to live life as it is.
to deal with things thrown at you,
with courage, yet fear.
with determination, yet hesitation.
it is in this paradoxical aprroach,
this ambiguious lie,
that will see us through,
the depths of space and time.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
caught in the middle of nowhere
i tink, that the music, is getting to my head.
some songs i seriously need to start listening less to:
runaway train - soul asylum
rebell yell (live acoutic) - billy idol (that sob)
memory (acoustic or not) - sugarcult
stay (acoustic) - cueshe' (the original rock version sucks compared to the acoustic one)
nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics
bed of roses (acoustic or not) - bon jovi
layla (acoustic) - eric clapton
nothing else matters (all versions) - metallica
warmness on the soul - avenged sevenfold
yes. for a variety of reasons, from the sheer uberness of the song to the sheer depressing nature of the song, i tink i should seriously get away from my music. its gonna cause me my sanity some day. i shld start listenin to like westlife and lindsay lohan and j-pop and shit. nah dat'll equally fuck with my brain, if not more so. if i'm gonna go crazy, i might as well do it the fun way =D
some songs i seriously need to start listening less to:
runaway train - soul asylum
rebell yell (live acoutic) - billy idol (that sob)
memory (acoustic or not) - sugarcult
stay (acoustic) - cueshe' (the original rock version sucks compared to the acoustic one)
nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics
bed of roses (acoustic or not) - bon jovi
layla (acoustic) - eric clapton
nothing else matters (all versions) - metallica
warmness on the soul - avenged sevenfold
yes. for a variety of reasons, from the sheer uberness of the song to the sheer depressing nature of the song, i tink i should seriously get away from my music. its gonna cause me my sanity some day. i shld start listenin to like westlife and lindsay lohan and j-pop and shit. nah dat'll equally fuck with my brain, if not more so. if i'm gonna go crazy, i might as well do it the fun way =D
Saturday, October 14, 2006
too sure, too many, too funny
zz. mrs chan is like leaving, and that sucks. cos she is ma really good principal. i cant stand the idea of the hci guy comin. its like >.> no more half days and all kinds of funny stuff. it'll really suck. man. i tink the moe is conspiring against us, cos our sch is too fun, so since mrs chan has to leave, they conveniently move the hci principal over. wtf.
and aniwae, yesterday on the mrt home i saw smthn very strange. there were this 3 pple, 2 guys 1 girl. one of the girls was quite pretty, the other girl wasnt, the guy was ugly. and in terms of dressing oso, cos the chio girl dressed quite nicely, with funky converses and all, the 2nd girl dressed ok, but wore slippers, the guy was like in a ugly blue plain t-shirt tge kind 60-yr old men at the market wear, shorts, and shoes with high socks. like O_O it was seriously weird to think the 3 of them were together in the same group. the 2 girls i would understand, but the guy? and aniwae wad was weird was that all the time in the mrt i was trying to somehow figure out what was the relationship btw the 3. cos at first when they got on at city hall the 2 girls sat down, the guy was standing. and den like the chio girl wasnt talking much, the other girl was tokin to the guy here and there, the guy was talking to the girl yet a few times he like sort of turned to the chio girl to like ask her if she was ok, cos she was like stoning and stuff. i mean of course i couldnt hear nuts cos i had my ipod on with memory playing or smthn. den after a few stops some person left so the guy sat down. so it was like |chio girl|not chio girl|guy|door|. den the 3 of them were like not toking. den a few times the guy would like lean over to the chio girl, but she daoed him a few times toked to him once.
i dunno. maybe its best i didnt noe. its best i dont know. beauty is afterall but a lie.
and i figured, if theres one song i must hear/sing before i die, it must be the victorian anthem. i rmb when we all sang it on fri, esp after hearing mrs chan was leaving, i could feel everyone singing. not jus hear, but actually feel. and it was a really different experience, cause i was having goosebumps, and yet i could feel something flowing inside and through me. it was scary even. its like some invisible bond was forged among everyone in the hall, just for those moments. and i mean, its special. and if i could die like that, i wouldnt mind at all.
i heard it through the walls...
and aniwae, yesterday on the mrt home i saw smthn very strange. there were this 3 pple, 2 guys 1 girl. one of the girls was quite pretty, the other girl wasnt, the guy was ugly. and in terms of dressing oso, cos the chio girl dressed quite nicely, with funky converses and all, the 2nd girl dressed ok, but wore slippers, the guy was like in a ugly blue plain t-shirt tge kind 60-yr old men at the market wear, shorts, and shoes with high socks. like O_O it was seriously weird to think the 3 of them were together in the same group. the 2 girls i would understand, but the guy? and aniwae wad was weird was that all the time in the mrt i was trying to somehow figure out what was the relationship btw the 3. cos at first when they got on at city hall the 2 girls sat down, the guy was standing. and den like the chio girl wasnt talking much, the other girl was tokin to the guy here and there, the guy was talking to the girl yet a few times he like sort of turned to the chio girl to like ask her if she was ok, cos she was like stoning and stuff. i mean of course i couldnt hear nuts cos i had my ipod on with memory playing or smthn. den after a few stops some person left so the guy sat down. so it was like |chio girl|not chio girl|guy|door|. den the 3 of them were like not toking. den a few times the guy would like lean over to the chio girl, but she daoed him a few times toked to him once.
i dunno. maybe its best i didnt noe. its best i dont know. beauty is afterall but a lie.
and i figured, if theres one song i must hear/sing before i die, it must be the victorian anthem. i rmb when we all sang it on fri, esp after hearing mrs chan was leaving, i could feel everyone singing. not jus hear, but actually feel. and it was a really different experience, cause i was having goosebumps, and yet i could feel something flowing inside and through me. it was scary even. its like some invisible bond was forged among everyone in the hall, just for those moments. and i mean, its special. and if i could die like that, i wouldnt mind at all.
i heard it through the walls...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
fantasies of the demented soul
i tink i'm going crazy.
or i tink i mite be goin crazy.
or maybe i'm already fucking mental.
another lonely memory
i'm walking along this empty street,
all by myself, always all by myself.
the street is lit, but
just.
every step i take,
i can hear the soles of my feet,
crunching against the gravel beneath.
i look up, watch as the clouds drift past,
watch as the naked sky slowly disappear.
a cat crouches along the sidewalk,
its eyes watch me,
my eyes watch her,
motionless.
all around, i can feel
the world slowly dying.
and i know, in time,
i shall move as the world does.
closer and closer,
to...
sigh. theres so many things i want to do. but i'm jus soooo lazy. its like, i want to do smthn, but in the end i end up at the stupid comp, doin shit and wasting my life away. wonderful.
and i want to learn to smile.
or i tink i mite be goin crazy.
or maybe i'm already fucking mental.
another lonely memory
i'm walking along this empty street,
all by myself, always all by myself.
the street is lit, but
just.
every step i take,
i can hear the soles of my feet,
crunching against the gravel beneath.
i look up, watch as the clouds drift past,
watch as the naked sky slowly disappear.
a cat crouches along the sidewalk,
its eyes watch me,
my eyes watch her,
motionless.
all around, i can feel
the world slowly dying.
and i know, in time,
i shall move as the world does.
closer and closer,
to...
sigh. theres so many things i want to do. but i'm jus soooo lazy. its like, i want to do smthn, but in the end i end up at the stupid comp, doin shit and wasting my life away. wonderful.
and i want to learn to smile.
drinking soya bean
this may never start,
we can fall apart,
i'm in that kind of mood again.
sigh.
i don even noe why.
and i tink thats the worst part about it.
i mean, normally if theres a good reason,
then its somewhat legitimate.
but its not.
which is why it sucks so much.
i'm jus being pissed with the small things.
pple saying this instead of this,
pple smiling a certain way,
pple being kaypoh about things i don give a fuck about.
its, stupid.
i need perspective.
i desperately need to see things differently.
i need a change of environment.
i need to do different stuff.
instead of wasting my life away at home in front of the com or tv.
i need to pick up a new hobby.
i need to excercise.
i need help.
my brain needs serious work.
i need new experiences.
i want to try new things.
in short, i need a life. badly.
i'll be your memory...
we can fall apart,
i'm in that kind of mood again.
sigh.
i don even noe why.
and i tink thats the worst part about it.
i mean, normally if theres a good reason,
then its somewhat legitimate.
but its not.
which is why it sucks so much.
i'm jus being pissed with the small things.
pple saying this instead of this,
pple smiling a certain way,
pple being kaypoh about things i don give a fuck about.
its, stupid.
i need perspective.
i desperately need to see things differently.
i need a change of environment.
i need to do different stuff.
instead of wasting my life away at home in front of the com or tv.
i need to pick up a new hobby.
i need to excercise.
i need help.
my brain needs serious work.
i need new experiences.
i want to try new things.
in short, i need a life. badly.
i'll be your memory...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
i need perspective.
i tink its a cool line.
aniwae, WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE THAT MAKING OUT IN A GRAVEYARD IS COOL HOT DANGEROUS SPOOKY AND OUTRIGHT ROMANTIC?????
omg pple u are all demented in the head. seriously. no i'm not crazy. i know dat it'll be hot. wahahaha. all u sad souls who never make out in a graveyard before you die, i pity you. u don even get to make out it ure final place of rest... sigh.
aniwae, WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE THAT MAKING OUT IN A GRAVEYARD IS COOL HOT DANGEROUS SPOOKY AND OUTRIGHT ROMANTIC?????
omg pple u are all demented in the head. seriously. no i'm not crazy. i know dat it'll be hot. wahahaha. all u sad souls who never make out in a graveyard before you die, i pity you. u don even get to make out it ure final place of rest... sigh.
from a cold steel rail
jus now on the way home i saw smthn dat really affected me. when i was walking into the condo the side gate there, there were these 2 small kids. kindergarden small. one guy one girl. den the grandma came and took the girl into the condo, she waved byebye to the boy, i walked past him into the condo, and the gate closed. and almost immediately smthn hit me. or many things hit me. not literally but mentally. first of all, the scene reminded me of when i was younger. innoncener. smaller. balder. point is, it reminded me of kong hwa. the times i had in kong hwa. and i realise, i've yet to find smthn that feels as good as p1-3 did. now that i tink about it, those were good times. and i guess theres really no chance of a similar experience. why? because i grew up. because every grew up. everyone changed. which den brings me to the 2nd thing dat hit me. it struck me dat it is only when we were all so young that u could be good friends with a girl and no one would say anything. its like in kindergarden everyone's sexless. i rmb even in p1 no one wanted to hold hands with a member of the opposite sex. i tink its quite sad, how pple degenerate like we do. and the 3rd thing that really struck me is that i realised why i disliked kids so much. yes all along i've hated kids, but now i got a good reason to, other den dat they are irritatin. it is because i'm jealous. i'm jealous of them fuckers. i'm jealous of their innocence, their ability to do things without having to consider the consequences. and i hate them so much because they remind me of everything i once had, everything that is now gone, and everything that i can never have again.
kids. i hate u. hurry and grow up and suffer like the rest of us.
kids. i hate u. hurry and grow up and suffer like the rest of us.
Monday, October 09, 2006
because i care
another quiz. x hrs b4 my physics paper.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
done with my ipod:
How are you feeling today?
everytime we touch- cascada
O_O wtf??
Will you get far in life?
fade to black - disturbed (metallica cover)
oh no. so my lifes gonna like fade into nothingness. not that i didnt noe dat...
How do your friends see you?
take me out (acoustic) - franz ferdinand
so either pple all wanna hang out with me or they all wanna kill me. i'd say the latter.
Will you get married?
swing life away(acoustic) - rise against
um? so what i fuck up my life, married or not. great?
What is your best friend's theme song?
jump - the faders
HAHAHAHAHA.
How is your life like?
demolition lovers - mcr
oh fucking god no. this is so true in so many ways...
What was high school like?
one - metallica
depressingly wonderful?
How can you get ahead in life?
nothing else matters (acoustic) -metallica
ouch.
What is the best thing about your friends?
your own disaster - taking back sunday
ok dats like bad no? the best thing about my friends are dat they are my own disaster. woohoo.
What is in store for this weekend?
waiting - firelight.
LMAO. how fucking true. like omg results next wk.
What song describes you?
1000 words (piano) - eguchi matsueda
hahaha. yea yea. it takes a 1000 words to descrive me. wee.
To describe your grandparents?
dont cry - gnr
>.> dats bad. the song has connotations of death.
How is your life going?
dont look back in anger - oasis
lmao how true. esp considerin its the end of ip, and ip was a pretty angry time for me =D
What song will they play at your funeral?
stupify - disturbed.
fucking hell. i dont wanna die liddat :(
How does the world see you?
naive - the kooks
owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....... true, but the truth always hurts.
Will you have a happy life?
everything burns - ben moody ft anastacia.
apparently, not.
What do your friends really think of you?
yellow - coldplay.
munjen? wad can i say... -.- but its still a rather depressing song, u noe the whole idea of everthing being monochromish. i dunno. wad does dat say about me o.0
How can I make myself happy?
revolution deathsquad - dragonforce
okaaaaay. so i can make myself happy by goin around killing everyone and taking over the world. smthn liddat.
What should you do with your life?
whats this life for (acoustic) - creed.
i shld ask and ask and ask wad the fuck i'm doin. this is not good.
Will you ever have children?
kiss and make up - funeral for a friend.
um, i suppose? wad divorce and marry again??
What/who do you miss most currently?
a moment like this - kelly clarkson
most definitely not. i will NOT miss studying for physics. although its a very fitting answer/song. cliche and all.
well accordin to this quiz my life does and will in the future positively suck. wonderful.
and actually i shld try this with my itunes. u noe wad i will. :D
quiz, using my itunes.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
How are you feeling today?
outta control (remix) - 50 cent ft. mobb depp
ok one O_O at mere presence of this song. 2 its actually quite true.
Will you get far in life?
priase you - fat boy slim.
so yes?
How do your friends see you?
are you alone - fireflight
yea i am.
Will you get married?
no sensitivity- jimmy eat world
um, i suppose not den. ok this is not sounding very good.
What is your best friend's theme song?
confession - theory of a deadman
um, i dunno. i don even noe wad the song sound like. ok so i've heard it its jus a rock rock song. not sure about lyrics.
How is your life like?
charlene - the suns.
O_O x 1000000000000000000000000
What was high school like?
we were kids - infinities end
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. we fucking were.
How can you get ahead in life?
melodies of life - ffix
this sounds very philosophical. wtf. i can hear the piano in my head already...
What is the best thing about your friends?
breakdown - breaking benjamin
wad best thing? ok 2 in 2 the best thing about my friends aint remotely a good thing. wtf.
What is in store for this weekend?
home - three days grace.
yay. haha. yes yes i shall be home rotting my ass away in front of the tv.
What song describes you?
mr brightside (rockstar supernova) - toby rand
yes, and no. the depressing sides of it i suppose, but the whole drag things, the girl thing, nah.
To describe your grandparents?
you keep me hangin on - the supremes
strangely, i tink its true. i like my grandparents very much.
How is your life going?
eyes wide open - goo goo dolls
how true. or at least i'm trying to live this way.
What song will they play at your funeral?
magic stick - 50 cent ft lil kim
WTF. NO NO NO I WILL NOT HAF HIP HOP PLAYING AT MY FUNERAL. MOST DEFINITELY NOT!!
How does the world see you?
awake - dashboard confessional.
yet another depressing song. yay me.
Will you have a happy life?
always - bon jovi
ALWAYS BABY =D but its a sad song :(
What do your friends really think of you?
if you leave me now - chicago
HAH. yea right.
How can I make myself happy?
faithfully - jouney
uhhhhh, huh?? i'm like suppose to have kids on the road... wtf.
What should you do with your life?
extra ordinary - better than ezra.
uh, right. i don even noe wad the song is like.
Will you ever have children?
big balls - acdc
=D
What/who do you miss most currently?
everlasting love - jamie cullum
the irony, the irony...
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
done with my ipod:
How are you feeling today?
everytime we touch- cascada
O_O wtf??
Will you get far in life?
fade to black - disturbed (metallica cover)
oh no. so my lifes gonna like fade into nothingness. not that i didnt noe dat...
How do your friends see you?
take me out (acoustic) - franz ferdinand
so either pple all wanna hang out with me or they all wanna kill me. i'd say the latter.
Will you get married?
swing life away(acoustic) - rise against
um? so what i fuck up my life, married or not. great?
What is your best friend's theme song?
jump - the faders
HAHAHAHAHA.
How is your life like?
demolition lovers - mcr
oh fucking god no. this is so true in so many ways...
What was high school like?
one - metallica
depressingly wonderful?
How can you get ahead in life?
nothing else matters (acoustic) -metallica
ouch.
What is the best thing about your friends?
your own disaster - taking back sunday
ok dats like bad no? the best thing about my friends are dat they are my own disaster. woohoo.
What is in store for this weekend?
waiting - firelight.
LMAO. how fucking true. like omg results next wk.
What song describes you?
1000 words (piano) - eguchi matsueda
hahaha. yea yea. it takes a 1000 words to descrive me. wee.
To describe your grandparents?
dont cry - gnr
>.> dats bad. the song has connotations of death.
How is your life going?
dont look back in anger - oasis
lmao how true. esp considerin its the end of ip, and ip was a pretty angry time for me =D
What song will they play at your funeral?
stupify - disturbed.
fucking hell. i dont wanna die liddat :(
How does the world see you?
naive - the kooks
owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....... true, but the truth always hurts.
Will you have a happy life?
everything burns - ben moody ft anastacia.
apparently, not.
What do your friends really think of you?
yellow - coldplay.
munjen? wad can i say... -.- but its still a rather depressing song, u noe the whole idea of everthing being monochromish. i dunno. wad does dat say about me o.0
How can I make myself happy?
revolution deathsquad - dragonforce
okaaaaay. so i can make myself happy by goin around killing everyone and taking over the world. smthn liddat.
What should you do with your life?
whats this life for (acoustic) - creed.
i shld ask and ask and ask wad the fuck i'm doin. this is not good.
Will you ever have children?
kiss and make up - funeral for a friend.
um, i suppose? wad divorce and marry again??
What/who do you miss most currently?
a moment like this - kelly clarkson
most definitely not. i will NOT miss studying for physics. although its a very fitting answer/song. cliche and all.
well accordin to this quiz my life does and will in the future positively suck. wonderful.
and actually i shld try this with my itunes. u noe wad i will. :D
quiz, using my itunes.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
How are you feeling today?
outta control (remix) - 50 cent ft. mobb depp
ok one O_O at mere presence of this song. 2 its actually quite true.
Will you get far in life?
priase you - fat boy slim.
so yes?
How do your friends see you?
are you alone - fireflight
yea i am.
Will you get married?
no sensitivity- jimmy eat world
um, i suppose not den. ok this is not sounding very good.
What is your best friend's theme song?
confession - theory of a deadman
um, i dunno. i don even noe wad the song sound like. ok so i've heard it its jus a rock rock song. not sure about lyrics.
How is your life like?
charlene - the suns.
O_O x 1000000000000000000000000
What was high school like?
we were kids - infinities end
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. we fucking were.
How can you get ahead in life?
melodies of life - ffix
this sounds very philosophical. wtf. i can hear the piano in my head already...
What is the best thing about your friends?
breakdown - breaking benjamin
wad best thing? ok 2 in 2 the best thing about my friends aint remotely a good thing. wtf.
What is in store for this weekend?
home - three days grace.
yay. haha. yes yes i shall be home rotting my ass away in front of the tv.
What song describes you?
mr brightside (rockstar supernova) - toby rand
yes, and no. the depressing sides of it i suppose, but the whole drag things, the girl thing, nah.
To describe your grandparents?
you keep me hangin on - the supremes
strangely, i tink its true. i like my grandparents very much.
How is your life going?
eyes wide open - goo goo dolls
how true. or at least i'm trying to live this way.
What song will they play at your funeral?
magic stick - 50 cent ft lil kim
WTF. NO NO NO I WILL NOT HAF HIP HOP PLAYING AT MY FUNERAL. MOST DEFINITELY NOT!!
How does the world see you?
awake - dashboard confessional.
yet another depressing song. yay me.
Will you have a happy life?
always - bon jovi
ALWAYS BABY =D but its a sad song :(
What do your friends really think of you?
if you leave me now - chicago
HAH. yea right.
How can I make myself happy?
faithfully - jouney
uhhhhh, huh?? i'm like suppose to have kids on the road... wtf.
What should you do with your life?
extra ordinary - better than ezra.
uh, right. i don even noe wad the song is like.
Will you ever have children?
big balls - acdc
=D
What/who do you miss most currently?
everlasting love - jamie cullum
the irony, the irony...
so happy jus to be me
i am so thankful i have peranakan blood. i am sooooo greatful and my grandparents are peranakans. cos or else i'd be missing out on some of the best food i know. i tink in singapore, peranakan food should and probab;y does rank as one of the better kinds of food. i really love peranakan food. haha. its like a feast every single time. i love it.
and best of all, the food is actually really nice ^^
and best of all, the food is actually really nice ^^
whats left is right
thats how it always seems to me.
my life somehow is always on the extremes.
both extremes.
i dont have a normal life.
i wont have a normal life.
why? cos i cant make myself live a normal life.
its too...normal.
i'd much rather live it my way,
fuck it all up and in the end still say i live it my way,
den to jus live it the normal way.
its too lame.
and its also very funny.
how i'm living in self-denial,
yet being realistic at the same time.
its conflicting, yet its endearing.
do i like my life?
i cant say i do, i cant say i dont.
theres some parts of my life that are really wonderful.
theres some parts, lets just say they suck.
but dats the whole point aint it?
the balance of good and bad.
how i wish blitzball were a real sport.
its like the coolest sport ever.
and i'd own at it.
my life somehow is always on the extremes.
both extremes.
i dont have a normal life.
i wont have a normal life.
why? cos i cant make myself live a normal life.
its too...normal.
i'd much rather live it my way,
fuck it all up and in the end still say i live it my way,
den to jus live it the normal way.
its too lame.
and its also very funny.
how i'm living in self-denial,
yet being realistic at the same time.
its conflicting, yet its endearing.
do i like my life?
i cant say i do, i cant say i dont.
theres some parts of my life that are really wonderful.
theres some parts, lets just say they suck.
but dats the whole point aint it?
the balance of good and bad.
how i wish blitzball were a real sport.
its like the coolest sport ever.
and i'd own at it.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
part of me died...
i haf found anythin i find weird. ok dat was a weird sentence. ok dats not my point is. my point is, i tink its quite queer how pple blog for pple. u noe. ok now here this may look like i'm bloggin for pple, but its diff. i used to. nowadays i don tink i do as much. but i dunno i jus read smthn about how someone "self-censors" becos of others readin his/her blog. i find dat quite weird, dumb and pointless. i mean, its like come on its ure blog. wadeva u write shld not be restricted by others. ok so maybe pple tink differently from me. ok pple DO tink differently from me. no maybe.
point is, especially if teachers read our blogs, the more we shld feel compelled to say exactly wad we want. so teachers if ure readin this: fuck u for making my life so terrible .|.
haha. haha. haha. i'm a serious bastard lah. so ego -.- and i cant help it mah. i blog for myself. its slightly compulsive. sometimes it helps me, sometimes its fucks me up, sometime it does notin. sometimes its jus a means of fillin in the little gaps in my life. hahahahahahaha.
we need to understand. u noe.
gah. its like, i'm gonna fail bio. no its not its like. i noe i'm goin to fail bio. i knew since wad, febuary 2005. woohoo.
i need to see other things.
i need perspective.
i want to know what its like out there.
i want to grasp more than i know i can.
point is, especially if teachers read our blogs, the more we shld feel compelled to say exactly wad we want. so teachers if ure readin this: fuck u for making my life so terrible .|.
haha. haha. haha. i'm a serious bastard lah. so ego -.- and i cant help it mah. i blog for myself. its slightly compulsive. sometimes it helps me, sometimes its fucks me up, sometime it does notin. sometimes its jus a means of fillin in the little gaps in my life. hahahahahahaha.
we need to understand. u noe.
gah. its like, i'm gonna fail bio. no its not its like. i noe i'm goin to fail bio. i knew since wad, febuary 2005. woohoo.
i need to see other things.
i need perspective.
i want to know what its like out there.
i want to grasp more than i know i can.
bane of my life
fucking bio. fucking bio is fucking irritatin. geesh. i am now gonna attempt to remotely understand 2 yrs worth of asubject i haf yet to spend a full lesson payign attention to. really. bio is a fucking stupid subject. i mean, sorry to all the pple hu like/are good at the subject, its stupid. there is little pratical application lah wa lau. i mean, why the fuck do i want to noe wad mitosis and maeiosis is? its not like when i'm fuckin some chich next time and in the back of my mind i'll be like "oh my god my chromosomes are goin to fucking split and shit and blah blah blah". its dumb. and i cant stand the fact that if ms toh had actually followed thru on wad she said, i wouldnt even be writing this fucking post right now. wa lau. want to drop bio she said she'll 'speak to farah" and here i am on the verge, ok not on the verge but in the process of flunking bio. and of course this will have such a fucking positive effect on my already terrifically fabulous average. like oh my god i am so fucking happy. seriously i feel like jus burning all my bio notes, go and study chem and macbeth, and when i get 10/100 for the exam i can say i accidentally put my bio stuff into the toaster. or my dog ate it. or it grew wings and flew away. wadeva.
i tell u, my bio paper is gonna be one hell of a sight. for all the qns which i dunno how to do, which will of course be alot, i plan to write rubbish. like serious cocked up shit. jsu to kaobei them. hu cares if james koh or whoever comes and make noise at me. freedom of speech man.
i tell u, my bio paper is gonna be one hell of a sight. for all the qns which i dunno how to do, which will of course be alot, i plan to write rubbish. like serious cocked up shit. jsu to kaobei them. hu cares if james koh or whoever comes and make noise at me. freedom of speech man.
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