wad did i expect anyway?
it all was going to happen like this.
come on. it always does.
nothing i do would change it.
after all, its just how its meant to be isnt it?
karma? retribution?
are you happy now?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
just a little maybe
you recognise those times,
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
you know something,
yet you dont.
you understand,
but you cant explain it.
you're, lost for words.
Friday, December 29, 2006
question markkkkkkkk
how can i ask pple to take me seriously, or not, when i myself dont know when to?
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
i conspire to deceive, really. pple, THINK!
what it all away?
i've lost it.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
somehow, my writing has become so...contrived. i dunno if its the right word even. my english is going from bad to terrible. it really. and when i look at the stuff i write, its so sad. i mean, i'm nto sure i'm even me. and like, i can do anything these days. i cant write lyrics, i cant compose melodies, i cant write dialouges, i cant write descriptive, i cant everything. its scary. or not.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
in her world
i've got so many secrets i wanna tell.
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
who's the one that's gonna listen to me now?
everything i hide, i lie,
hoping, someday, someone will try.
will you be mine?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
what if einstein was christian?
everyone's special is his or her own eyes. i believe that must be true, or else we'd never achieve anything more than we already have. and honestly, i think everyone, in some way or another, always puts himself before anyone else. thats just how it is. no man is an island. every man is a country.
oh ok my god wadeva
oh ok my god wadeva
titles hardly matter
now, the line's so blur, does it even matter anymore? even if i cross it, who will know?
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
u noe, zombie is actually a very good song to do work, play dota, some other stuff with. it has this strange thing to it. don ask me.
there are some things. you want them so so bad, that you'd be willing to do anything to get those things. but yet, no matter what you do, you never have the say. one word, and everything comes crashing down. every hope you harboured, they no longer matter. because why? in the first place the choice never was yours to make in the first place. you're just a pawn. or a bishop. or a knight. maybe even the king. but, you're still a damn chess piece.
how much of everything i say do i actually mean? everything i say and do, i'm not sure whether i myself think them through. or whether everything's only in hindsight. sometimes, i say things i don mean, and suffer for it. sometimes, i say things i mean, and suffer for it. i myself cant draw a clear distinction between the two. its the overlapping thats screwing me so bad. everything overlaps, in my life. so much so i really don noe what to do.
no one can really see me as a lost kid, rite?
funny? i'd rather it not be. i'd rather i not say anything, den to make most pple laugh, and that one person feel, i dunno. insulted? the feeling sucks, and the problem is that not everyone can deal with it. and i mean, how would i know? the line is never there till you're crossed it. and i've crossed way too many lines in my life. and i will keep crossing those lines. pioneer, or retard? you take your pick.
hey. so you wanted this, here it is. what can i say? thanks, and i'll see you soon? maybe. hm i haven made a xmas wish yet u noe. do you tink i could accumulate xmas wishes? haha. i really dunno what i'm saying. i noe. theres stuff i gotta tell you. personally. i'm not yet sure how exactly i'll do it, or how it'll sound, but its gotta be done i tink. so tell me when ure free. it really is a time for thank yous.
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can we say have seen us for who we are?
how many people can we see truly understand us?
how many people can you say hello to, and not expect a response?
how many people can tell you things you dont want to hear, over and over again?
how many people can do the things you want them to, without u telling them?
how many people can take all the blame for you, and not even know it?
how many people can make you cry?
we can all put up a brave front.
but how many people can you call your friend?
its terrible, how i have to use all these facades. ok, have to? or want to? i've yet to decide. i need time to think. i need perspective.
lol haha lmao rofl
haha. all the fake hahas. they are everywhere. yet they mean nothing. no one is really laughing. no one really means anything after all. we're all so safe, so secure, behinds lines of text, texts of lines, no one can see us. more importantly, no one can feel us. ultimately, only one sound remains: silence. the itunes, the clickin of keys, the wooshing of the aircon, the strange buzzing in my ear, they mean nothing. they dont exist. the only thing that exist, the only thing that matters, is the silence.
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
i find the irony of blogging-therapy very amusing.
you know, our 5 senses are everythin we've got. and i think alot of people never can see past their 5 senses. ok well not literally see. more like envision. sight is to see. hearing is to hear. tastin is to taste. touch is to feel. and today i chanced upon a very curious dilenma. can you bite a voice? for me, i think i can. its really how we look at everything. voices are just sounds. voices, they can smell like something, they can taste like something, they can look like something, they can feel like something. why? because a voice, it is unique. and hence i can bite a voice. come on, bite MY voice. you'd love it. surely.
she, she's scaring me. everthing that i do, she stands there, watching, watching, waiting? for what? for me to succeed? to fail? why does she do this to me. she haunts my every waking moment, she taunts me in my sleep. she lurks in the crevices of my mind, and yet, and yet i dont knwo who the hell she is. except that she...
my war
my war
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
we're all Prisoners of War.
caught in the War of Dreams.
one war, its captures dreams,
and then re-dreams them.
sorrows never sad enough.
joys never happy enough.
dreams never big enough.
live never important enough.
to matter.
merry effin christmas
here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?
excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.
its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?
i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.
it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?
people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?
nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?
its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.
i dont even know if anything is the right word.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
i found my greatest sex
recipe for a hot night out.
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
1 vintage car with nice comfy leather seats (any other car will do, but this is best)
1 hot member of the opposite/same sex depending on preference
1 graveyard, empty of living people except u and ure friend
1 night
alot of rain
optional ingredients:
1 bottle of wine
a few cans of beer
mix that all together, and tada, one HOT night out. song bo
Saturday, December 23, 2006
PRESENT BITCH!
SOMEONE BUY ME A FUCKING GUITAR STAND FOR MY ACOUSTIC FOR CHRISTMAS. OR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. PLS PLS PLS. OK DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUITAR. THANKS. I LOVE YOU.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
its all not coming back to me
hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.
looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.
there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.
i'm incoherent.
i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
touchdown
i'm back. who cares?
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
the plane ride was, surprisingly or not, a really good time for me to think. and of course i did.
aiya wtf theres nothing to blog about about banngcock aniwae. my bloggin brain shall return tomorrow. i hope. now, now i just want to tok. to anyone. myself even.
you know, being schizo mite not be such a bad thing.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
when we learn to say goodbye
sigh. enduring love, among other stuff from last year, is rushing back into my head. my rather tired head i should add.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
its true. we all need to tell stories. we all need some way to understand. to make meaning. we need other stories, to make meaning of our own. which is why i talk, i ask, i recollect, all just to make sense of what has happen. and now that i think about it, nothing is ever too much. its jus that we are afraid of doing that much. now that i've gained some perspective on it, i think i can say i sort of understand. i never will truly understand, but bits and pieces, they are better than none.
Friday, December 15, 2006
mother of sons
hmm i think now would be a good time to reflect back on a 2006 almost past. i tink i'll draft a letter to santa.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
dearest santa:
i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.
of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.
so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.
lots of love,
dessy.
--
time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.
i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.
sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.
i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.
i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.
i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?
actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.
often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.
these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.
they are fighting a war they'll never win
people dont understand.
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
they just dont.
and i'm not sure its cos they dont want to.
somehow, i have a feeling its really because they cant.
understanding is difficult for many, if not all of us.
i think theres a very big difference between being happy and being satisfied.
i mean, i wonder how many people actually realise that.
one can be happy and not satisfied,
satisfied and not happy.
it really all depends on how one values his or her life.
how he qualifies and quantifies it.
i think i'm rather happy,
but most definitely not satisfied.
how many times have u experiences the feeling,
of wanting something,
but knowing theres no way to get it.
and yet its just right there before you.
how many people are willing to take that final step?
how many people dare?
do u?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
switching with team blocgs
everything looks so much better from the outside.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
i wonder, what does one do when he finally gives up?
walking, i'm walking. and to tell u the truth, i'll still be walking when you finally call.
dancing around with paperclips in my hair. its a terribly fascinating experience.
my brooding beauty
she.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
dresses that way only which she knows.
eyes see right through my veil of lies.
lips speak of unknown treasures, dangers.
hair streaked with dashes of black and white.
struts along on 2 inch sneakers.
plastic handcuffs hang from her neck.
daggers line her back.
when she talks, the whole world stops.
whispers cloud my mind.
words are nothing but words.
not beautiful, not hot, jus not.
she is my dream, my nightmare.
she taunts me, though she doesnt know it.
dark in a new day, i wait.
everywhere she moves,
i listen. patiently.
creeping about silently,
lost in the shadows of my memories.
mystery hung around her like a cursed necklace.
tighter and tighter it coils.
her voice more an echo than a sound.
more black than white.
and her smile.
its quite ironic, how i only feel safe from madness, plugged into the solace of my ipod. when it's filled with pain, suffering, deceit, death, loss, agony, anger. maybe its true. its only when we are caught in the midst of terror and destruction, do we truly feel we're safe.
Monday, December 11, 2006
fuckin ikea
omg ikea is a giant piece of shit. seriously. damn pekchek lah. actually suppose to eat dinner at home, den suddenly my parents tell me go ikea i was like O_O den after dat go there, my face from :| become -_____-""/@_@ fucking hell go there eat must queue half an hour to get the food. and its not say very good or wad lah. i mean ok at least it wasnt bad, cos if it was i would haf murdered someone. i was soooo pissed off. and like its a fucking ripoff lah. 40cents for BUTTER -_-"" $4 for a carlsberg -________________-"""""""""""""' WTF. i hate ikea. i am never goin back to ikea tampines if i can help it. its not as if ikea is actually nice or wad. cos it isnt.
-.-
-.-
to mock is to mocketh
i am in one of those moods again. where everything is lousy, everyone sucks, everything sounds so goddamn stupid. why?
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
sometimes, many times, it sucks to be better than others. or rather, it sucks to know ure better den other pple. it just makes things so much more difficult. its like trying to swim in a pile of shit.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
grand-narrative? try grand-irony
for some strange reason, i've recently taken to irony. in all its shapes and sizes.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
sigh. i jus realised something. msn is such a bitch. i mean, i jus typed something in a convo, and i realise how fucking fake it is.
irony is so ironic. it really is.
ZEN @_@
blogging is fucking zen.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
everytime i blog an entry like the one before, after i click publish i dunno how to feel. its almost as if emotion left me alone for 5 secs. and you know wad? i like that. its goddamn nice. maybe thats why blogging is so tempting. its like trial and error, hoping that if i blog enough those kinds of post will pop up once in awhile. u don tink those kinds of posts.
they jus, come.
terribly disturbed
i am terribly disturbed by the fact that:
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
i cant think of happy script/story ideas.
i haf stalker-ish tendencies.
i can be so dman happy, yet so damn emo.
my blog contains some very distrubingly strange entries.
i am so weird.
i do insane things while i'm sane.
franz ferdinand wrote michael.
alot of things disturb me, things i cannot think of rite now but i am sure exist.
rite now i'm listenin to wayyy to much all the same.
music is screwing up my brain you know.
its like, my emotions are being determined by wads playing on my ipod/tunes.
its weird, and scary.
i mean, what if i no longer can control how i feel?
i'd haf become a robot.
with artificial emotion.
so damn afraid really.
pple shld really not take me seriously. i hope its that way. i mean, at least thats wad i tink. i mean, maybe i jus wan it that way. pple to not take me seriously, such that they never noe when i'm being serious when i'm not. its a double-edged sword. on one hand, dats a gd thing, cos its easier to guard myself, easier to pull on that mask of happiness, to live a life constructed all in my bedroom. yet on the other hand it makes me so fake, so intangible? not really. i tink it jus makes seperation so much easier, to distance myself from everyone else. and its not a gd thing, i and some argue, cos den i'm not lettin others help, even if i need help. whos to say?
its so funny, yet its not.
you're like this, phantom,
this ghost.
ure not haunting me,
not yet,
u jus linger here by my side.
running through my head,
laughing, smiling,
i can hear the clanging of your laughter.
it hurts.
this pursuit, fascinating,
the way i chase,
run, stop, run, stop,
its a never ending stuggle,
to discover that at the end,
what?
the funny thing is, somehow it only works to have that something. to guide me? to anchor me? to scare me? but i guess i want it that badly all the same. its like porn O_O
i want you to know,
and at the same time i'm afraid you know.
i'm afraid you already know.
its so ironic how much songs can really say what you are feeling. its comforting, yet at the same time its fucking scary. am i then subject to making meaning of my life solely through others? its almost like a meta-narrative gone wrong. we all need meta-narratives. but i tink its only safe if we had a many. to jus haf a few, it leaves the possibility of them faling, fallign apart. what then?
its not that i like to talk liddat.
its not that i'm trying to be mysterious.
this, talking this way,
its the most comfortable for me.
the easiest way for me to speak,
as it somewhat eases my fear of,
being understood?
i jus don feel so, vulnerable.
its another of those insecure things.
but i indulge myself in it anyway.
so no one really takes me for everything.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
GONE
omg i'm too damn high. like >.> >.> >.> i haf learnt from today dat alcohol makes me high, nto drunk. and VERY red zomgwtf. and i've also learnt smthn, which is that when one is drunk, shuttup. HAHAHA. of course i wasnt drunk, but someone was at one point, and said stuff he/she shldnt haf HAHAHHAHAHAA :D:D:D:D lol lol lol. i'm fucking crazy. tom i'll wake up and be like "omg wtf did i do all dat last nite O_O" hshshshsh.
ROCK IT BABY!!!!!!!
omg omg omg i am so high. my brain is sane, my body is bloody drunk >.> hahahahahaha. i jus danced all the way home from the damn bus stop, and i was dancing and sashaying whilst i opened the door, and i'm dancing around hte hse in my boxers. WTF?!?? hahhahaha. i tink hk pple make me high lol. the wine jus made it worse lol x 10000. lol tthis doesnt sound like me, cos it isnt hahahahaa. i'm crazy. i jus karate kicked jus now, for no apparant reason. but i'm not dfrunk u noe. my mind is clear as ever. dickie talks abotu institutional art. SEE! muahahahahaha. omg die tom sure damn damn high oso. eee ok i'm cold i'm goin to put on some clothes. lalalalalalalalalalalalalzlzlzlallalalalala.
Friday, December 08, 2006
so -_-""
everytime i tink of smthn,
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
its almost as if smthn inside of me,
is telling me to give it up.
why??
i mean, there are so many things i want,
so many things i wish i could have,
but time and time again,
i dunno if the world is out to screw me over,
or its jus me letting myself down.
don u ever get that feeling?
u jus feel that no matter wad u do,
its not gonna matter,
its not gonna work.
den why even bother to try?
i wonder if being happy and being sad,
i wonder if its but a choice.
u know, maybe we can decide how we feel.
i hate it.
i hate it,
how lifes a everchanging,
everlasting,
circular argument.
the answer to every question,
is the question itself,
which questions the answer.
why do we even bother?
its like some sick game we like to play on ourselves.
challenge ourselves to see how far we can go,
before we all turn fucking insane.
are we superior, condescending,
anything at all?
i wonder.
theres so many things i do,
i'm not even sure why.
is there even a why?
i'm assuming there is.
why?
the irony of irony is that it is ironic.
maybe its jus how we work.
have our brains evolved to be this way?
is it the fault of post-modernism?
is it the fault of our forefathers?
whos to say?
i mean, we all seek meaning,
we all want to understand,
maybe its jus a never ending struggle,
and never ending chase,
but one we partake in anyway.
maybe, maybe, maybe.
maybe nothing.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
stupid ho
sigh. i'm very sad. inspiration pang seh me again and again and again.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
nowadays, i jus don feel like i can write anything anymore. everytime i get an idea, when i put it down on paper it turns out so cheesy and crappy. i mean, i can tink of like one liners and shit, or a very nice scene, but somehow i jus cant string them together. even melodies i'm writing like bits and pieces only. damn sad.
sigh.
BOMBING BABY
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm high xDDDD
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
haha. ok ok . i tink being up so late and palying damn funny dota is bad for hte brain. wtf. hahahahahaha. bzzz. i haf abit less den an hr to burn before the match starts, i'm hungry, my brain is currently not functioning, i'm talking to pple i haven talked to in ages, zombie has been on repeat for the past 2-3 hrs, WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
bohemian rap city!!!!!
something's scary.
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
sometimes, i feel pple are too eager to place labels on things. or jus too liberal with their generalisations. like this and that is so emo, or this and that is so stupid, etc. cos i mean, do we actually take the time to actually analyse the various situations/objects, before placing such labels on them? cos if we don, den the labels are, jus to general.
i'm not saying i understand everything i see, or that i have a greater understanding than others, but its jus that i've seen too many instances of pple, jus, i guess freely associating things when there is little reason too. i mean, it then becomes such that the labels are the one that matter, nto the actual thing itself.
i'm not making sense am i -.-
at the end of the something
bleh i missed the tao nan outing. and now dat i tink about i tink i shldnt haf. cos its like we're all 16 goin on 17, and like its a really good time to meet up once more to jus see how everyone's doin, before steppin into jc life. and i'm tinkin, this hols is the best time to meet up with old frens. the timing is jus so, right. sigh. so now i'm tinkin i wan to meet old frens all over again. maybe one day i'll go find yijing joel they all, maybe the tuition pple, vs pple even, jus old mates.
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
is it one more hello, or one last goodbye?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
down in a hole
i'm standing across the road.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
the other side, its so far away.
over on this side,
its so calm, so peaceful.
leaves rustle in the wind,
birds are chirping,
as i run my hair through my hair,
shivers run down my spine.
den i glance across the road.
there are pple everywhere,
the hustle and bustle of daily life,
right before my eyes.
the markets full of pple,
the playground packed with kids.
its so damn noisy,
everyones so alive.
shivers run down my spine.
is it the loneliness,
or the silence,
that scares me?
i wonder.
i wan to cross the road,
but cars keep rushing past.
everytime i take that tentative step,
theres the deafening roar of a cars horn,
forcing me to leap backwards.
its frustrating.
the other side,
its so tempting,
i want it so bad.
or do i?
wads wrong with this side aniwae?
its so perfect, bliss.
theres nothing wrong is there.
there is something wrong.
somethings missing.
everything is.
cos, theres no one here on my side.
Monday, December 04, 2006
du di du di
lol yuxuan posted and i shall rip a quiz. lalala. i got notin to do sia -.-
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
1) How old do you wish you were? 18
2) Where were you when 911 happened? at home i tink
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? pout. and put in another dollar -.-
4) Do you count yourself kind? depends
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? arm.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french/jap
7) Do you know your neighbours? abit.
8) What do you consider a vacation?alot of guitar, alot of sleep, alot of food, alot of sun and rain, very little of everything else.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? horrorscope maybe. horoscope no.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? i guess?
11) Are you touchy feeling? am i touchy feeling? uhhh, wtf is touchy feeling?
12) Dream job? dunno. psychiatrist, psychologist, alot of stuff i guess.
13) Favorite channel(s)? mtv, axn, espnstar, starworld when rockstar is on.
14) Favorite place to go on weekends? my head.
15) Showers or Baths? both.
16) Do you paint your nails? do i, no. haf i, yes.
17) Do you trust people easily? -.-
18) What are your phobias? they are everchanging.
19) Do you want kids? maybe.
20) Do you keep a handwritten journal? yah
21) Where would you rather be right now? dunno. playing ball, back at camp, maybe.
22) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy? myself.
23) Heavy or light sleeper? heavy.
24) Are you paranoid? yah.
25) Are you impatient? yah.
26) Who can you relate to? myself, diff pple in diff situations.
27) What's your favorite pick-up line? "yo babe are u free to join me in bed tonite?" i've never uttered a pick up line in my life.
28) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? vibration.
29) What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. or was i dotaing. cant rmb.
30) What did the last text on your cellphone say? not gonna say. smthn about telling and crying.
31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? ure mothers -.- mine.
32) What color shirt are you wearing? none.
33) Name three things you have on you at all times? hair, ego, distrust.
34) What color are your bed sheets? blue, with some weird patterns.
35) How much cash do you have on you right now? none.
36) What is your favorite part of the chicken? the intestines, kidneys, livers, etc.
37) What's your favorite town/city? dunno. i'm not well travelled.
38) I can't wait till..? i die.
39) What did you have for dinner last night? uh, zi cha.
40) Do you own a gun? yah. i bought one 3 days ago for a dollar.
41) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? beer. or horlicks. or coffee.
42) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? in my head.
43) Last thing you ate? uhh, raisin bread.
44) What songs do you sing in the shower? alot.
45) Last thing that made you laugh? www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXrqiSpgaY&eurl=
46) Worst injury you've ever had? i dunno. sprained wrist?
47) What's your favorite candy? dunno. lollipop?
48) What song do you want played at your funeral? november rain.
49) Ten random people to do this? ...
50) Say 'Goodbye' to yourself? yes. goodbye.
if nothing's missing, den everything's missing
ok so now that my head has kinda of cleared itself up, and my eyes arnt crossing each other everytime i look at something, i tink my thoughts are now straight. lalala. ok so i'm still slightly high, but ok nvm wtf.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
ok omg now i jus realised i tink i left my small pink book there. AHHH! die die die.
but its ok, cos i tink its more den jus the things written down. looking back at the camp, i think the one thing dat struck me most, was that while everything is there, its how u use those things dat matter. its like the activity where we are giving objects and must use them as smthn else. and it got me tinkin about the whole emo thing again, where i still mantain its only good is u know how to use it. i found that even more true with the sun performance, cos like if u know how to utilise it to connect with an audience, or jus to create a particular atmosphere for something, den its a good thing. but if its jus to dwell on things and brood and shit, den i guess wads the point? it doesnt serve any useful purpose...
hahahahaha. the camp also made me laugh alot. i tink there are alot of amusing pple in hk. its so funny xD its so damn funny lah hahaha. i could never imagine sch being dat...weird, yet fun. sch's so -.-
and i guess the other thing that i've learned from this camp is the need to not be so concerned over one's image. after all, if someone thinks of u one way. its hard to change it. so no point being paiseh and stuff. is it the same as courage? i dunno. and considerin we are doin drama, this think-skinned mentality would appear to be a prerequisite, but i don tink it is. huh.
i tink group identity is a very important part of any person. cos while the individual is so subjective and open-ended, the group isnt. when one is in a group, there are particular expectations, and hence it is alot more fixed. being in a group, one must be willing to give up certain aspects of the self, to be able to fully appreciate the joy of being in a group. because it really is a very nice thing. it allows u to let go of personal frustrations, indulge in stuff u'd never do on ure own. its shiok. its the shared identity that pple seek. and i guess its true for all groups. cultures, religions, classes etc. pple don wan to feel alone. they don wan to be me against hte world. so they make it us against the world. isnt that jus so appealing?
why don we jus understand? maybe its cos we jus cant.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
living the washing machine life
so i'm back, now,
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
from some camp.
hahahahahaha.
my brain is now being funny.
i'm caught between high and moody.
i am so fucking suay... -.-
its hard to tell the difference sometimes.
left or right, right or wrong, yellow or orange.
i tink today the performance thing,
was damn nice.
at one point i was really really on the verge of tears.
music fucks with u bad i swear.
SO BAD.
playin 3 mins worth of emo music is enough to make someone cry.
playing as in actually playin, not listening.
so sad right.
its really all about the qi fen. the atmosphere.
theres a really great impact of it on anything.
its like, if everyone is feeling sad,
if they are willing to indulge in it,
i tink it makes the performance better,
as the emotion of sadness in the performers is greatly emphasised.
its so complicating life is.
whos to understanding whats miSsIng?
ok so the lack of sleep is fucking with my brain. my eyes are out of focus as i type, theres a ringing sound in my ear, my brain hand coordination is fucked, i'm fucked. ok i go play dota cya haf a nice day bye bye xoxoxo
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