its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.

yet another rubiks cube for the collection

the beauty of it all is, sometimes, it really is that simple. i wonder if they'll ever know, if they'll ever understand. you know, everyone may say it is complicated, but no matter how many layers we put on, no matter how much we hide, deep down inside its all quite the same. i think we all want the same thing, its just that we are too afraid of wanting the same thing as other people.

of course, the reality of the situation is that fairy tales never do come true. does that stop people ni believing in them? of course not! fairy tales give people hope, and no matter how far-fetched they may be, there is that single underlying utopian quality that binds them all together. honestly, i think its so much easier to write grim stories. because if you think about it, life can really be that horrible. one could argue those stories reveal the truth about life, the horror of humanity, and the fact that we humans can and will be inherently evil. fairy tales want us to think that beyond the evil and horror, deep down inside we are, just barely, a little good. everyone loves a bad guy, but everyone loves a bad guy come good even more. and somehow, that must be what we all are chasing. a chance at redemption.

within all that rubbish, there must be some meaning in it.

the year is coming to an end. can u believe it?? the year (for a moment i typed world) is freaking coming to an end!!

omg.

i dont know if i'll have time to reflect. there's so many things to do. and yet i want to reflect. i need to, i really do.

there's so much to cover, so much to remember.

its amazing how much difference a year makes. it seemed like just yesterday when we first walked in, and now today we stand so tall. what a load of crap.

i think i've forgotten, because i'm struggling to recall.

what i need is more time. everyone needs more time. its ridiculous. time is endless and infinite, yes it refuses to give people more. thats just selfish you know. whoever created this system obviously ruled a totalitarian regime.

democracy is the future, insanity is the now.

the truth might just be fading away. does it scare me? yes, of course it does. its fucking freaking me out. the feeling of helplessness and being loss, its strange. and extremely discomforting.

no one's reading the clues of your fairytale end.

do i know what i'm doing? of course not. will i regret what i am doing? of course. do i understand the consequences of my actions? of course not. so what then, am i doing? and more importantly, why??

keep a lid on the face of time.

at some point, something really is going to have to give. no way can this silence last forever, nor should we ever let it.

pull them aside, speak to their minds.

to put it very simply, the task at hand is one of epic proportions. why? because it the highly complex mechanically enhanced manufacturing and reconstructing process. several key precautions must be followed, to ensure the quality of the eventual product will not be terminally compromised. its frighteningly simple and implicit to give instructions. its how you make people listen to them that really counts.

all this shit, just to hide the fact that i am weak.

the scary part about blogs is, one, you never know who is reading. and two, you never know who actually understands. i dont like that. i really dont. its like, ripping someone's lungs from their body, yet leaving his stomach behind. it just isnt right isit?

i've got some tips about cycling in the rain at night.

first and foremost, DONT DO IT RETARD.

however, if u are so suay as to be caught in the rain while cycling and need to get home urgently, or you're as stupid as me, here are some useful (i think) tips:

- focus. that is the most importantly thing of all. i mean, on a normal day i can get by with maybe 60-80% concentration, but cycling in the rain needs 110%. beside the fact that your vision is obscured cos of the rain, (made worse if ure a four-eyed hero like me), there is also all the puddles, the curbs and everything. there is also the fact that water getting into your eyes might mean you have to blink hard or rub your eyes. and oh yes, THE TRAFFIC. focus man, just that little break in concentration could be tragic.

- screw the puddles. i mean, you're already wet, and will stay that way. forget about the puddles.

- keep a steady pace. i find that its best to find a comfortable pace, den push it a little. so that you have good momentum, and at the same time you dont burn yourself out. and remember, the faster you reach your destination, the faster you are out of the run. but but never cycle top speed. its just too dangerous, duh.

- trust your instincts. i dunno, i trusted mine.

- stay off the sidewalk. yes, cycle on the road. why? firstly, its better lit. secondly, sidewalks are definitely more dangerous, especially if you have to keep going up and down. i mean, its just pushing the risk factor up. and road provides much better traction than sidewalks. and you dont want to risk running into people.

- open your eyes as big as possible. seriously, look out for everything. especially check behind you, and when crossing junctions, look beside you too. and strain to look ahead.

- use your brakes. break when turning, break when going downhill, and break early. accelerating into a corner, while fun and much faster, is just damn freaking dangerous. use your breaks, even if you dont like to. (like me)

siao.

you know, there is something incredibly wonderful about being out there in the rain. its liberating, feeling the rain rush down on you. it allows you to just for that moment, forget everything, any worries, problems, everything. its just you, and the wrath of mother nature, to fight the battle of eternity.

i've got a reasoning.

i suppose, the way out is not that hard. its just a matter of not letting yourself give in to the boredom. really, sleep sometimes is the best medicine. i mean, so often its so easy to start brooding, to start digging through old memories, all the past records. it is so easy. sometimes, it really too easy.

we all need distractions. i think for some people its easy, for some it isnt.

well, sometimes, this is all we have. maybe, its all that we need.

i realise, i've remained in this kind of mood for quite awhile now. its, well, not extreme, i suppose its the only way to describe it. its been a topsy turvy year, but this hols has been surprisingly alright. fuck i am damn hungry. i think i'm changing. hopefully thats a good thing. everyone needs to change sometime or another. oh well, we all have to just hope it aint too late.
Conforming on a monday
Too often and too cold
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natural disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

Like a broken damn you're empty
And all that's left are the sticks and stones
That were built by other people
And it really shows
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natuaral disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

now THAT my friend, is proper education.

technology is being a fecking bitch.

and i've got no patience.

i shall kop from char. thanks char :D (why. oh no reason. just because)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. MUSE CDS :D (real ones)
2. uh, my laptop. duh :D
3. my hp
4. my floorball stick/ball
5. guitars + amp
6. uh, ironing board >.>
7. bob (argh char i wanna go oso >.> maybe my dad will take me)

SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? who doesnt?
2. Does someone like you? hur, you say leh.
3. Last kiss? in my memory.
4. Been lead on? its hard to say. led on by others? not sure. by myself? so many times.
5. Been cheated on? nah.
6. Want a relationship? we all believe in fairytales, dont we?
7. Wanna get married? it would be nice. (along with nice fireworks and parachutes)

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. my laptop.
2. "The bands that make my world a better place" - Muse
3. guitar.
4. water. alot alot of water. and milk. and honey stars.
5. my ipod.
6. piracy.
7. pen and paper. its a beautiful thing.

SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. muse songs, doot doot doot. "you know i dont love you, i never diddddd"
2. jam jam jam!
3. pain.
4. now, the plug in baby riff. woooh.
5. gt-8
6. its hot. or rather, not cold, considering my air con is on -.-
7. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i'm agnostic.
2. Had a dream come true? if my dreams came true, this world will be a VERY VERY VERY strange place.
3. Read the newspaper? everyday. sports section, life section.
4. Get enough sleep everyday? you can never have enough sleep.
5. Have a best friend? hmmm. not exactly, no.
6. Take a bath daily? who doesnt? (ok dont tell me. bo bice lol)
7. Wish on stars? everyday, everyday.

SEVEN HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Fallen in love? i dont think so, not quite. (but maybe, you know)
2. Kissed someone of the same sex? nope.
3. Hooked up with someone who had a gf/bf? of course not.
4. Been to a Bonfire? bonfire specifically? i've done campfires.
5. Ran away from home? sadly not. not that i havent thought about it. and i was on my way out once, only i got stopped. bleargh.
6. Played strip poker? yep.
7. Pulled an all nighter? often.

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? nah.
2. Had fun? not terribly.
3. Been kissed? by a ghost maybe.
4. Felt stupid? nothing new is it.
5. Talked to an ex? nope.
6. Missed someone? all the time.
7. Listened to music? in the past 24 hours, i have listened to approximately 6-7 hours of muse. hip hip hooray.

LMAO. ah lians are sooooo funny. god.

ok the stupid side of me has had enough laughs. now time to think. doh >.>

i think it says quite alot that only a society like singapore's can breed this wonderful race called ah lians (and well, ah bengs). the japs are different, because well, japanese IS a cute language, they HAVE cute clothes, and they talk normally. (albeit in jap). hokkien/chinese/"english"/whatever other random dialect is NOT cute. the clothes they wear are NOT cute. and they CANT talk normally! i mean, uraqt = you are cute. what the fuck. shu wen jus brought up a very good point, how do they rmb all these um, "accronyms" and spellings? its amazing!! i suppose while we normal people are slugging away at econs or math or what not, they are memorising their lian dictionary and practising vocab, eh? ok this is getting a bit flamy.

well my point was, and is, that only a society like singapore's can cultivate such a culture. we've all heard time and time again about out cultural diversity, and how we embrace people from around the world. in this case, that is a problem. its all this mishmash of rubbish that brings about the wonders of the lian. and people in singapore, i suppose another problem is that there isnt an identity, you know. like, english are english, they've got their football and their tea. japanese are japanese, they've got their gadgets and kawaii. singaporeans, are? we've got what? i suppose because of that these people feel the need to proclaim who they are. and so, all the pink, all the piercings, wahoo a lian. and ironically, they also want to be different you know, they are special and unique worhx. so they start inventing words. you -> u -> uu -> uu/~ -> eu!~ -> yew -> yeeuuuww. wad the heck. i swear ahlianism should be classified as a social phenomenon.

its just amazing. i am amazed by them, really.

hell, maybe i'll do my ki i/s on ah lians. now THAT'll be fun.

wOrHxXxss!!*~*~

gothic music can be surprisingly soothing

i swear, it felt like something. i dont want to admit it, but i think i will. its affecting me bad, i think. and any way i look at it, no matter how i try to twist all of it, it always comes back to the same thing.

quite how much, its always a problem you know. its hard to quantify such things, and in some ways, i dont think i should. well, doesnt mean i dont. i keep trying to quantify things, everything. everything must mean something, and when they do, i want them to mean nothing. but they do.

sigh.

what can i say that hasnt already been said?

its so messy, so complicated, when all i really want to say is so simple.

hello, again.

4:47 - instant nirvana

its easy to drown out all your fears and misery.

gosh, what am i doing??
its 3 wks to 2008, and i've done nothing.
this is just pathetic.

i honestly believe that the only jobs teenagers should be allowed to do are service jobs. ie sales, customer service, waiter etc.

why? because i think its the only kind of job that will benefit people our age. i mean, we all want to work, most of us for the money, but lets look at it logically. working for money should only be a serious consideration when we are looking at being self-sustainable. while that might be true for some people our age, the vast majority of teenagers can afford not to have a job. so, i think the real value in jobs is the learning experience. as corny and cliche as it sounds, i really think its true.

and why service? because we can learn to appreciate things we normally take for granted. its so easy to walk into a restaurant and expect the waiter to serve food, drinks etc. better still functions, where waiters have to clear plates, top up drinks, ask you what you want, serve food etc. i dont think many people will realise how much work is involved. after working just 2 days, i can honestly say i appreciate the work they do. its the same with sales, you learn how to deal with people. you learn communication skills.

i think most importantly, we are able to have a diff perspective. and i mean just for once, we get to understand what its like to be behind the counter, instead of being in front of it all the time. i mean, forget about the money. its important, but not that important. i believe the learning, and the experience, is more important. as such, i dont think students should be allowed like, desk jobs or what. there's nothing to learn. mundane work will only dull the mind and the body. everyone should go out there and experience the whole, and understand the life outside our teenage life, outside the itunes and the youtubes and the facebooks and the movies and the shopppings and all.

really, i think that's important.

this fucking headache is killing me.

sigh (:

its fucking stupid. i mean, lets face it, what's the point? no one's going to be much happier after it, waste money, waste everyone's time, just makes everyone more pissed off with each other. its fucking stupid. i mean, i'm sure we've all got better things to do than pretend we enjoy each other's company while walking through some ancient temple pretending to be totally in awe when all we really want to do is to be back at home.

FACE IT, ITS FUCKING STUPID.

fuck lah, wake up only so much frustration.

beginner's luck seems to make sense. after watching the show my brilliant brain, i had an idea. or a muse, of sorts. while many pass off the notion of beginner's luck as being just that, luck, i actually think there's a quite reasonable explanation as to how its more than just luck.

if we take the example in the show about chess masters (and grandmasters), their mastery of the game stems from their ability to recognise moves before they happen, and hence act accordingly. a chess pro is able to predict his or her opponents moves, and according to the show, this is done by matching what they see on the board with their bank of chess memories, and hence determine (instinctively) what to do.

now, how does this relate to beginner's luck? if we look at games, lets say strategic games like chess or checkers or what not, the pro is separated from the rest by his ability to predict his opponents moves. for arguments sake lets assume everyone is male. i mean, it appears that the very best dont actually have to think about their moves, it becomes instinctive after awhile. so, when beginner's somehow upset better players, is it just luck? i dont think so. i think what happens is that beginners, due to their inferior abilities, introduce the factor of uncertainty, and in certain cases, possibly randomness. and what this does is that it probably disrupts the better players ability to predict his opponents next move. when good players play great players, great players will triumph because good players will sorta know what to do, and the great players know they know what to do. but i suppose beginners just mess things up. so, is it really luck then?

what about games like sports? dont better players just have better ability, which discounts the notion of predictability? again, i think the same concept probably applies, although maybe differently. tennis is an example that comes to mind. when good players play, they kinda know what to expect from their opponents. topspin, slices, kick services, its all in the book. and the pros will know how to deal with it. but what happens when u put a total novice to play a pro? many people (me included possibly) will say that the pro will surely have the ability to deal with wadeva the other guy throws at him. but again i think the unpredictability of the situation matters. maybe not individual points, but perhaps disrupting the rhythm of the game as a whole.
the problem here is that, it seems like anyone can have this beginner's luck, right? i mean, all we need to do is to do things a little randomly. but i dont think this is the case. i mean, there is randomness, and there is planned randomness. (well of course there is always the argument that nothing is actually truly random, because it would have to stretch on to infinity, but lets not go there) my point is, i dont think its actually possible for a good player to effectively exhibit novice behaviour. certain habits and preferences and traits will show through.

i realise that the notion of beginner's luck appear to apply solely to individual games/contests. in teams, i suppose there are too many variables to consider, for the effect of unpredictability to be felt.

so yes, there is no such thing as beginner's luck. not really.

( i realise, all the above is prob bullshit concocted to try justify faring worst than people seemingly weaker or lousier than i am. ah well, i'm pissed hurting)

the thing about christmases, its a great time to think. i mean, its the end of the year, soon to be the start of a new one. i never reaaaaly enjoyed christmas. i mean, yes of course i like christmas, i mean got present who dont like, but i've hardly ever enjoyed it. ok so maybe as a kid i did, but i'm losing that kid part in a way. sometimes, its just so contrived you know.

sigh aiya i think if i stop thinking about these kinds of rubbish i'll be a happier person. i really want to be happier. its nice, being happy.

really, it prob is.

pain is good.

pain is a reminder that you can still feel.

i want to pick up meditation.

i really think its quite sad that happy cheesy shalala shows makes me feel rather sad and depressive, whereas depressing and sad shows somewhat makes me feel hopeful.

i somehow dont think that's quite right, is it?

and in this ever-changing madness,
we still want to believe.

oh man oh man.
i think once again its coming to a point i cant deal.
i dont want to be unhappy,
i dont want to be frustrated and angry,
and there really is no excuse for it is there?
no one will believe me anyway,
so i'm sorry if i pretended to be that way.

who's going to write your fairytale ending?
the one where the bride falls and harry is the king...

i know its selfish, but delving in others' problems let me forget my own.

i think we've all got to let go a little bit.
being ourselves can sometimes be too hard, too much.

and somehow, we're all just looking for that romantic inside.
i dont think i can stand people who get attached for the sake of it.
i mean honestly, whats the point?
relationships shouldnt just be about bragging rights isit?
or maybe we're just too young to understand.
at 14, at 17, what do we know?
just how much have we experienced,
to be able to say we understand?
is love overrated though?
i dont know. in some ways i think it is.
i think its too absurd to be falling in love all the time.
call me cynical, yes, but i just dont think you can fall in love that often.
honestly, is it that easy to find love?
maybe i'm being too judgemental,
i cant accept the fact that people are different,
people dont share my views.
maybe some people just can fall in love.
maybe, just maybe, i'm jealous.
yet i think deep down in every single person theres that little idealism.
maybe its just a dream, some kind of unachievable utopia,
some people call it hope.
i dont know, i think i've seen what love is.
seeing old couples walking in the park,
i think thats love.
i might be wrong, but at least thats what i think.
i dont know if i'm right in saying this,
but i think at some point or another,
everyone dreams of that knight in shining armor fairytale.
girls want to be rescued, guys want to be the hero.
maybe i'm generalising too much, quite possibly i'm wrong.
but really, isnt it nice?
fairytale endings give you that feeling that there is hope in this world after all.

and sometimes, thats all that matters.

we can never be satisfied.
its the holidays, but we still want so much more.
sometimes, i think holidays are worse than sch days.
sch days theres actually stuff to do everyday,
in a sense you know what's coming tomorrow.
you know that you have to get up and go to school.
holidays really suck in the sense that you know theres work to do,
multiples i/ses and shit, but you also know there's time.
no so there actually isnt,
but holidays give you the false impression that theres time.
and so you put it off.
there always is a later.
and there never is a never.

we all want a little escape.
just to be able to run off to that little hole of yours,
and not to have to worry about anything else in the world.
to be with your friends, to be with yourself.
and to just drop everything.
screw work, screw school, screw parents, screw everything.

the truth is that i aint satisfied.
in everything i do, i cannot find that satisfaction, that happiness.
theres always that little shred of doubt that lingers.
so maybe i'm better off not thinking about all of it.
to just hang loose and stop worrying.
there'll always be time to worry.
i suppose in a way i cant keep looking back,
neither can i keep thinking about the future.
i spend too little time in the present.
of course there always is the argument that the present does not exist,
but sadly, for many people, it does.
and i've got to deal with the fact that even if i dont think it does,
people do, and in a sense we've all got to live by other people's presents.

come on one and all, run away with me!

never say goodbye,
because we'll always have this to come away to.
only if we try, only if we try.

omg pain > me

at the very least, this is painful.
why? cos obviously it hurts, whether you believe it
or not.

wa lau i cant believe i cable ski-ed 4 fraeking hrs today.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/bags/9aa0/

OMG I WANT I WANT I WANT SOMEONE BUY FOR ME FOR XMAS I WANT I WANT

O_O wow

omg i had a really bad dream last night (or well, this morning actually. i only went to sleep at 730) in it, my elec guitar got totally busted, and i remember myself screaming. oh god. thank god it wasnt real.

spinning away

i ask and ask again,
but still the same the road leads me back to nothing.
i've come so far only to have to see,
there really was nothing to succeed.

sometimes, i just think i'm chasing the impossible.
holding out for hope, even when there seems to be none.
some people may argue hope is always there,
whether we see it or not.
i just dont see the point anymore.
the truth is, its too hard.
too meaningless, to pointless, to tiring.
i dont want to have to do it anymore.
i mean, it really sucks being held like a prisoner in your very own home.
by others, and by yourself.
i dont want to be here,
and neither does he want me here.
just as it is, it leaves me no where to go.
i could roam, but where will i end up?
could i go anywhere better?
can i find a place that will accept me for who i am?
i think, i can be whoever you want me to be.
cos i dont even know who i am,
i dont think i can be me.
its easier to be someone else,
someone whom i dont have to take responsibility,
someone unlike me, yet in a way, still me.
i've gone and changed, but have you?
i cant help it, i've taken all my drugs and all the pills,
still the same memories and thoughts swirl in my throat,
choking the life out of me.
and i'm spinning, spinning, spinning.
spinning, away.

am i still hoping?

argh, let the frustration set in.

first, the a string on the electric snapped.

then, the high e string on the acoustic snapped.

cheebong.

now i dont have ANY guitars to play with.

wad the hell.

if we could just take it back to before,
relive those moments, rewrite those notes again.
i promise i wont be quite as daft,
i'll do what i meant to, act as i must.
i think just for that while,
i remember being happy.
right back into those moments,
those memomiseries.
it's all so obvious to me now,
so why couldnt i have been a little less blind?
maybe if i did understand, comprehend,
i could find a way out of this shallow hole.

i'm sorry, but i really cant deal.
may a shed a tear for you?
or would you spare me the trouble and come to my rescue?

!!!! how could they leave that out of the dvd?!?!?!??

omg if only i could do that some day

in other news, i bought a fishing rod.

somtimes, it is too easy to imagine bridges where there are none.

what if everyone spoke what they really thought?

i mean, honestly, every conversation's so...complicated. i mean i think its true, its not what we say, its what we are saying. and even if we dont say much, we are saying alot. problem is, we dont dare to actually ask about what we are saying, only what we say.

life is complicated. no, life is simple. no, life is.

for one moment
i wish you'd hold your stage
with no feelings at all
open minded
i'm sure i used to be so free

wow

all i can say is, WOW.

i am willing to say, i know what it feels like to feel useless and worthless.
to feel like you dont mean a thing at all.
i mean, what can i fall back upon?
what's going to cushion my many falls?
friends? i'm not a social person.
family? up yours.
relationship? yea, in 400 years maybe.
money? i wish.
status? yea: shit.
myself? no way in hell.

it sucks, having all that you want, all that you can only dream for, to have it crushed, over and over again. its a horrible feeling that's hard to describe. i've cried because of it. i never really realised how important dreams and hopes are. i mean, its one of the few motivating forces keeping me going. but am i doing all this in vain? am i chasing a long lost cause? am i running a race i will never finish? one i was never meant to finish?

it hurts to have to think so.
it really hurts.

i really need someone to understand.

code

this is a cryptic message:

i have a confession to make. i cant make decisions. i really cant. all those options, they just float over, and float away. in a way i think i need people to make decisions for me. why? maybe its cos i'm too scared to face the consequences. maybe i'm afraid of responsibility. probably its cos i just dont want to be definite about. i mean, just look - the past 3 sentences have failed to produce a concrete proper explanation. its all maybes and possiblys and ifs etc. this needs a solution. dont you see? deep down, everything needs to mean something. i make things mean something, even if they dont. in a way its a sense of security, knowing that you understand. or maybe pretending that you understand even if you dont. its like how people pretend to be good at something even if they arnt. truth is, people do get away with it, so why cant i? there are things we all need to say, and there are things we all need to hide. recently i have taken to typing in proper sentences, even though i suspect i still dont. why? i dont know. its not like i'm practising for anything or what. i hate being chased, but i must be. why am i so full or paradoxes and shit? its frustrating. i can never figure out who i am. i think i am having identity issues. identity crisis? maybe not. issues? i think i have issues man. and i suspect it might become worse. and you cant just throw all that away can you? in some sense theres still that little bit of hope that lingers on. maybe i am just being stupid and idiotic. i suppose i am, but i cant help it. they never can. its hard to explain it, not cos its actually hard, but cos i dont want to. i dont like explanations that i can find. it just takes all the fun out of life you know. that's a serious problem. thoughts get in my way way too much. it sucks thinking and thinking and thinking, at the end of the and the problem isnt solved. i think i shall start a think-less-do-more campaign. we dont need bright minds in this world, we need effective ones. people are naturally stupid, they only pretend to be smart. only 4.6% of the human population have naturally effective minds, 18.62% have smart minds. the remaining 77.78% are stupid, naturally. dont blame them, blame me. you see, we need to train people to develop effective minds, not smart ones. smart minds are useless. just look and yourself already. i just wish somehow it was easier. but it never is. i cant be. if it was any easier, it wouldnt trouble me like it does. at the same time, any easier and it wont be attractive anymore. everything that means anything would just fall apart. why the hell do i have to be in school at 9 tomorrow? i dont want to go to school, even though i do. i dont get you. i really dont. its frustrating, yet at the same time its fascinating. you keep me guessing all the time, and i must admit, as much as i hate it, i love it also. bob is annoying. why? he just is. he was born this way. born to take away all that i have. really, its the simplest things that are so hard. it seems like a lifetime ago that i heard you giggle. dont you remember? i bet you dont. no one does anyway. how does one cope with so much rubbish? i mean, all this crap i'm saying, no one bothers, no one cares. i pretend as if people will bother, even though i know they wont. stupid? you bet. why must i be in that 77.78%???

ok so maybe it isnt.

memories

i dont think it has sunk in yet.
i wonder how long more before it does.

the significant thing

i think i know now. i think i know why i'm so bored all the time.
yes, there are tons of stuff to do.
msn, youtube, google, etc etc.
but now i know.
i want to do things that are meaningful.
like, i want to do stuff that matter.
that will impact other things.
i dont just want to do stuff i'll forget the next morning.

honestly, i think i'm weird.

reflections

i still think i have lost touch.
am losing touch, have lost touch.
i suppose, there'll always be times we feel alone.
yet at times, we do feel loved.
i dont know, maybe i should just speak for myself.
personally, i find that i am quite a pessimistic person.
(like, haha wow revelation)
but yea i suppose there are times when,
i do feel like things are ok.
that things could actually be good.
its rare, but it does happen.
in a sense, i'm always waiting for it to happen.

its quite amazing, just like that 17 years have passed.
one grand year of jc life has whizzed by just like that.
its been different, very very different.
alot of the time was spent dealing, i think.
to just adapt to new situations, new people.
to realise that what once worked no longer does.
i couldnt treat people the same way i did in ip.
the people now, the people then,
they are so different, its beyond worlds apart.
and like i was telling ethel,
i really cant compare. it wouldnt be fair to either side.
honestly, both has its pros and cons.
but i must say its been a really happening year.
very different than ip, i must say.
for starters, i have a cca.
second, i didnt fail anything. (yes i'm serious, as hard to believe as that may sound)
third, i actually dont have that much time to burn.
last year was so bad, everyday i got home at 4,
and burnt my life away.
how loser-ish.
its just been so so different.

yet, while my life has changed,
i must (and always) ask myself:
have i?
its a difficult question.
i mean, some parts of me have changed, definitely.
but still, some of those not-so-pleasant traits still linger.
i mean yes i could argue that that makes me who i am,
but the obvious question is this:
do i want to be who i am?
actually, do i have the ability to change who i am?
the egoistic, proud side of me says yes.
yes, i am capable, yes it can be done.
but the more pessimistic self is somewhat resigned to the fate,
the fact that you cant change who you are.
where do i stand? i dont think anymore will ever know.
not till i myself figure myself out.

i think in many ways,
i'm learning how to fall on my own now.
its strange, to suddenly be pushed off a cliff,
and yet the safety net that was always there,
suddenly it isnt there anymore.
everything i thought was safe,
everything i believed i could count on,
suddenly its just falls away like leaves out of a window.
suddenly, i dont know anymore.
my world of monochrome suddenly turned a heavy shade of grey.

but, i think i'm moving on.
or at the very least, i'm learning to.

sorry my friend, it must end

the caravan rolls past, night by night,
even with the thunderstorms hiding his sights.
feeling a little gravity talking to him,
cold showers seep through his veins.
drip out onto the side walk, all his pain,
so much he forgets the endless aim.
call out in vain, just like yesterday,
on and on, he will light his path...
for the caravan must move on.

i dont do full sentences.
i dont do full paragraphs.
its just, unsightly.
who really bothers to read across?
more often than not, people just read downwards.
of course, thats assuming they read at all.
its always the case isnt it?
its so easy to say, oh this is what i want.
its easy to even say this is what i need.
but, life isnt that easy. it cant be.
i figure, to be able to want what you need,
it necessarily implies that you have choices.
to want what you want,
it means you have chosen, yet you may not have that choice.
its hard isnt it?
i mean, we can say sorry a million times,
but sorry dont make dead people come back to life.
sorry isnt going to change the past.
sorry isnt going to make the future any easier to bear.
sorry, sorry is but a filler.
sorry is when we have nothing else.
when we dont know what to say.
so, i'm sorry.
i always am.

random

shucks, you moved.

no one deserves to hurt this way

quit complaining my friend, cos you'll survive in the end.

it is weird. i mean, we're all only 17, yet we somehow make ourselves believe that we actually understand. but we dont. we make so many mistakes, but pretend they are little lessons in life. we dont recognise failure, only means to an end.

i think slowly, i'm forgetting how it's like. its not fair, but it never is. things just...happened. we can wish all the time that things were different, but life must move on. we must.

listen to the clicking invisible locks,
the taps on the keyboard through the night.
he stares at the same screen till his eyes turn grey,
the ghosts of msn conversations want to play.
he knows he's chance has gone away,
still he waits, everyday,
hoping maybe someday it'll be the same.
making excuses just to talk to you,
yes its pathetic, but its the best he can do.

you dont know it shakes me deep inside

i have a problem. i have a problem looking into people's eyes. i dont know why (but of course, i actually do. i jus say i dont, cos thats wad i always do). its like, i cant look into people's eyes when i'm talking to them, and i suppose many people will take it that i'm eitehr rude, or uninterested or wad. the truth is, i jus find it really discomforting. yes there will always be the old cliche about the eyes being windows to the soul.

while that might be a stretch, i think the essence of that cliche is this: our eyes are where we are most vulnerable. we can manipulate how we act, we can manipulate how we talk, we can manipulate how we look, but i dont think we can actually manipulate our eyes. eyes give away alot. its easy to tell whether someone is lying. it actually really is. you can read it in their eyes, even if their faces tell no lies.

i think i am scared. i always get the feeling that, when i'm looking into someone's eyes while talking, its almost like they can read in to me. its almost as if they can see past just the words and the appearances. while in some ways i do wish that were the case, its scary. it really is. i mean, if i were a secure person, if i knew who i am, maybe i wouldnt be this bothered. but i'm still drifting around, here and there, not quite sure where.

and there are some looks, they have a way of making me feel really naked and vulnerable. and as a result, i will look away. it happens all the time, i know it. i mean, its easy to stare into senseless, unfeeling eyes, for there is nothing there to feel. but when there's all that emotion, all that tension, it becomes so different. suddenly, i cannot do it anymore. i dont like how it makes me feel. and in some ways, i dont think i can take it. theres so much there to be felt, to be perceived, to be understood, and some people just cannot deal.

some people are weak. like me.

please?

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MUSE-EP-Very-first-CD-release-555-999-RARE-MINT_W0QQitemZ320174676762QQihZ011QQcategoryZ1049QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

make bob a happy boy :)

i love my father :))))))))))))))))))))))))) <3 <3 <3

i'm sorry ok.
sorry for being so stupid.
sorry for being this useless.
sorry for not having an ounce of initiative.
sorry for being self-centred.
sorry for being selfish.
sorry for being hopeless.
sorry for not believing in all your stupid ideas.
sorry for being a non-conformist.
sorry for believing in what i do.
sorry for being lazy.
sorry for being dirty.
sorry for being eq retarded.
sorry for being a social outcast.
sorry for not knowing basic etiquette.
sorry for having no sense of what is right.
sorry for not doing the basics.
sorry for being totally worthless.
sorry for not even making the grade.
sorry for constantly failing.
sorry for being such a fucking failure, even tho i didnt fail.
sorry for being this pathetic.
sorry for not being a grown up.
sorry for being a teenager.
sorry for following trends.
sorry for being hip.
sorry for knowing how to use computers and technology in general.
sorry for wanting to be cool.
sorry for being so demanding.
sorry for not caring about what you want.
sorry for being such an insensitive bastard.
sorry for being a recluse.
sorry for not wanting to talk to you.
sorry for hating you.
sorry for all that i have done wrong to you.
sorry for making so much noise with my guitar.
sorry for actually liking and wanting to play music.
sorry for failing my grace 8.
sorry for hating my piano.
sorry for not doing what you believe should be done.
sorry for being such an idiot.
sorry for my existence in your life.
sorry for being such a pest to your blissful existence.
sorry for enjoying what i am doing.
sorry for wanting to get away from home.
sorry for wanting to stay over at other people's home.
sorry for being so damn selfish.

yes, i apologise for everything that i have done wrong to you. yes, i am always in the wrong. yes you are always correct. yes i bow down to you great sir. yes i worship your majesty. yes you are right. yes i am useless. yes yes yes.

go fuck yourself wont you.

false hopes and missing presentations

i thought i understood, but i realise i dont.
i cant even see beyond the curtains,
the sun doesnt chase me anymore.

maybe is not enough. we all know that.
and yet, maybes are all that we have.

ruled

pretend like the past was never there,
lift your head and make a stand.
hold on to the candles that light the way,
make all the clouds float away.

i've reached a point, where it just doesnt matter anymore. and i guess, all those things are all lost to be. i'm practising selective ignorance, and its easy. its so easy to block out all those things. i guess the reason its so easy is because its all external. you can just close your ears, let your mind drift of to another spatial dimension. but, there are still those ghosts that keep ringing in my head. yes its easy to block out the external, but the internal rages all the same. and i cant shut it out. my mind inevitably drifts back to those memories, those dreams, those little shattered hopes. and it is a vicious cycle. pain breeds pain. i guess the truth of the matter is that i cannot deal. i never could, and i still cant. its all the same at the end of the day. i mean, everyone's grown up, but still, everything will be the same. we're all existing in a static past, trapped in an artificial void of time. you cant really blame them. its the only way to kind of preserve what was there, yet at the same time not hold it back. the only real way to to create these little artificial blackholes, and to suck us stars back every once in awhile, just to prove that they can. and even the biggest planets must fall, even the farthest stars will divide.

and of course, we deny all that we have done.

that was yesterday, this was tomorrow

and so it begins, all over again, almost like yesterday couldnt be very much the same.

there is a difference. i mean, i dont know if anyone will notice, but i definitely do. and its because of this difference that makes it so hard. its bad enough hacing to start from nowhere. but having to restart from somewhere is even worse.

why is it that a simple man like me cannot even do the simplest of things?

its weird having all these thoughts. sometimes, i wonder if its all just wrong.

using masking tape to patch up these holes, it wont hold. sooner or later, somethings gotta give. lets hope it wont fall too much either way.

this whole escapism thing, its coming back to me. in all honesty, i realise its probably a whole lot easier than people make it out to be.

at some point or another, everyones going to have to entertain these thoughts. i think its just human. i wonder where all our lost thoughts and memories go. is there some kind of thought/memory catching machine that stores all the thoughts and memories that we dont retain? it would be thoroughly fascinating to be able to access such a machine. i'd imagine it would have some form of ranking system. i mean, some thoughts MUST better than others, right?

first time is no time to cry

hm let me try with my ipod instead.

1. Every move you make, and every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
(stalker song!)

2. I am a one way motorway
I'm a road that drives away
and follows you back home
I am a streetlight shining
I’m a white light blinding bright
Burning off and on

3. Tear it out of these open pages
Women and kids of all ages
Millions of men with blank faces
Italicized lies, headlines, bold type
(i suspect only rachel will know this)

4. You were not to blame for
Bittersweet distractors
Dare not speak his name
Did I cater to all you
All your needs?

5. And it's hard to say
Just how some things never change
And it's hard to find
Any strength to draw the line
(lol!)

6. You spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are
And I'll have the last laugh, when I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone
(gosh such terrible lyrics)

7. I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
(freak)

8. I'm not in your house
But I'm not in your head
And you're not even listening
It's so hard to know
When you're not scared

9. (jap song. skip. its a ffx song)
Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg omg everyone must listen to this song!!!)

10. Remember Rio and get down
Like some other DJ, in some other town
Who's been trying to tell me to hold tight
But I've been waiting this whole night
But I've been down across a road or two
But now I've found the velvet sun
That shines on me and you

11. Watching the people get lairy
Is not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
And not very sensible either
(woo!)

12. Ice-age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand

13. Take me back where I belong.
You swear that it's safe here.
There is nothing to fear at all.
Take me back where I belong.
The pressure releases,
If I just let down my guard.

14. A monster lives in your backyard.
the 2x4's are making their way around.
the big get bigger when the fight’s done.
i found that secret door.
(lol. one of their weirder songs i suppose)

15. I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
(doh. haha its no 15! lol ok not funny -.-)

16. she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
(classic man, classic)

17. You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
so I wouldn't come home low
Just when the things weren't right
doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song
And you'll never feel
Left all alone
(i dont like this song very much.)

18. Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
( :) )

19. No cars facing our way
No cars, no cars
We'll all melt away,
Like ice in your hand, your hand
(i'll be very surprised if anyone knows this song)

20. Prom is coming up,
It's on the 17th of May
And i got a message
That I want to convey

I'll buy a nice suit
And you can wear a pretty dress
You will watch me dance
And realize i am the best
(such a queer queer song. is it even considered techno?)

21. No matter how hard I try
You're never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I'm better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you're here
This is not my home
I think I'm better off alone

22. And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need...
(ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh omg i love this song)

23. 'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to
Sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
(ahhhhhhh)

24. So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head.
(i dont like this song, i dont like this band, Q mag loves them. wth -.-)

25. But this time
I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls
On desert sky
Until the end of everything
(ok granted, one of their better, albeit older songs)

wow. theres really alot of diff btw my ipod and my itunes. sigh. i should be doing pw. yes desmond, go do pw. shuttup bob. go scerw yourself des. -smacks bob-

everyone do the bob!

shall steal something from rachels blog. i am bored.

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

ok first to decide, itunes or ipod? ok itunes.

1. I've dared to dream and i've tried to live
But I've played it safe again
Just another slave to my vices now...
(its a terrible song with terrible lyrics and terrible melody)

2. I just wanna see the weather,
But you, you've got my shoes,
It feels so wrong, it feels so right,
To come home to you late at night,
But baby, where are you now?
(doh)

3. Unos dos tres catorce!
(eeeeeeek1) i hate this song. hate hate hate.

4. So fly away and leave it behind
Just stay awake, there's no where to hide
I see you cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you cause you won't quit screamin my name
I feel you cause you won't stop touchin my skin
I need you-- I'm coming to take you away
(lyrically it looks terrible)

5. Ain't it amazing when the seasons begin to change
Someone behind the scenes just seems to pull some strings
I struggled with an old angel all nite long
I thought it might be nice if we just talked 'til down

6. I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie.

7. I needed somewhere to hang my head, without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use
I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again, but I break loose
My head is giving me life or death, but I can't choose
I'll swear I'll never give in, I'll refuse
(yay finally a decent song)

8. (i shall skip to the next one, i cant even find these lyrics online. its tv screens by phonograph)
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream...In a boys dream
(lol)

9. Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay.
were laid spread out before me as her body once did
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

10. Well I'm back in the class, falling out of your past
All the letters I wrote and you thought as a joke
And the phone never rings when your cold and it stings
All the holidays sucked *by myself* cause I'm fucked
And I'm dying, dying, dying
(eeyer. wad kind of lyrics are those -.-) haha ethel why in the world do u haf this song? its terrible.

11. Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off
I'm so dirty, babe
The kind of dirty
Where the water never cleans off the clothes
I keep a book of the names and those
Only go so far to bury them
So deep and down we go
(-.-)

12. Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head
'Cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight
(omg rofl)

13. And porn speaks to its splintered legions
To the pink amid the withered cornstalks in them winter regions
While aiming at the archetypal father
He says with such broad and tentative swipes "Why do you even bother?"
(this is just weird)

14. Ridin' down the highway
Goin' to a show
Stop in all the byways
Playin' rock 'n' roll
Gettin' robbed
Gettin' stoned
Gettin' beat up
Broken boned
Gettin' had
Gettin' took
I tell you folks
It's harder than it looks
(scream!!)

15. Dont love me for fun girl,
let me be the one girl
(ohmygod wtf wtf wtf)
i jus thought of something. its circular isnt it? love me for a reason let that reason be love. wth -.-

16. Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight
(:D)

17. Give me a shot to remember
And you can take all the pain away from me
(terrible, indeed terrible)

18. Oh, I've got something in my throat
I need to be alone
While I suffer

19. Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please
(sigh)

20. Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
(possibly the most covered song ever? maybe most murdered too)

21. tick tock of the clock
make a wish but the time wont stop
i saw the glow of city lights
never thought id say that they shined too bright

22. (ugh another ___ song. i shall skip. its an interlude anyway)
betrayed
my plan ends a war with me
it's never up to me
I know they'll all pray
(uh,)

23. Hey Amanda
Where'd you find these crazy boys this time?
They say you're pretty but you don't think they're right.
(HAHA)rachel's possibly the only other person i know who erally listens to copeland. hm.

24. Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
(who doesnt know this song? ah connie.....)

25. The legend brings forth a time to come
No reason to slay the newborn son

The sky is falling
No escape Armageddon
The sky is burning
The end is just the beginning
(i would be very surprised if anyone knew this. if you do you prob need therapy)

aha so it is done. bob is off to eat again (that fat pig) and i shall go guitar.

not near, not here

its not quite all right. not yet. and maybe it will never be, but there's hardly anything we can do about it anyway...

promises we made

i dont get it. i never do.

its very very demoralising.
and at the same time, i know,
i'm just sinking, deeper and deeper,
and at the moment, there just doesnt seem to be any way out.

hope

fuck it lah, its not use anyway. i mean, nothings going to change. all i can do is to learn to live with it. all the hurt, all the regret, all the misery, and the missed chances, everything. i just aint cut out to make it. ever.

yes i feel terrible.
yes i want to feel special.
yes i need to be there.
yes i hope i can mean something.
just, once.
but never shall that opportunity present itself again.

i can see your lips moving, but i dont hear a sound.

its lonely out here.
i'm standing on a cliff, in the middle of some strange outback.
i feel so alone, yet so free.
i have with me my towel,
and all the time in the world.
to think, to understand, to feel.
to realise, that i've been lost for so long.

its lonely in here,
this room but with the bare bed and empty chairs.
water drips outside the window,
the sky gleams like a distant shadow.
and still i choose nothing,
but to sleep here every single night.

just to be alone,
just to runaway,
just to do all those things i cannot say.

WHITE CONES!!!!!!

I WANT WHITE CONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not in the mood

today was pretty bad.

its really quite strange how quickly the promos are passing. i mean, compared to ip, its just so much less, its quite amazing really. i mean, in ip i had to effectively study 6 subjects, now i more or less need to study 2.5. thats a hell lot of difference. and i dont know why, but i'm not stressed at all. its a bad attitude to adopt, this whole dont give a damn attitude. sometimes i think i really need to give a damn. (it is perhaps quite ironic that the things i do give a damn about, aiya)

it seems to me, that my life will always be about all the ifs and maybes.
theres too many choices, too few decisions.
always.

lifeline

it sucks having to be someone you dont want to be. desperately.

how lovely the greatest masketeer

i remember reading an article somewhere, about not having to understand the technicalities of sports to appreciate the beauty of it. and i've just come to realise how true that is. for the past hours or so, i've been watching figure skating. haha. pair skating, to be specific. i dont understand a single thing about the sport, but just watching it, what makes it so wonderful is that just watching it makes you feel different. the intensity, the passion, it screams out at you. and you cant help but throw yourself in. and for me, that really is what appreciating beauty is. and it doesnt apply only to sports. dance, music, everything really. the wonder of it all is how it makes you feel. does it make your heart beat a little faster? does it make your hands tremble just that little bit more? theres something about beauty, you dont have to understand, and often, you cant. all you can do, is to appreciate it, and let it wash over you.

and oh btw, pair figure skating is omg so romantic lol.

somewhere i belong

its just not right. and yet, i dont know why time and time again i cheat myself, pretend like it might be right just this one time.

i suspect, man are inherently lonely. some people, the lucky ones, they find those special people called friends. others, they surround themselves with people, as a way of ignoring their loneliness. some people, the flit around, trying so hard to find a place where they could fit in, but at the end of the day, the probably never do. but that doesnt stop them trying, for thats all they can do - try. and some others, they just accept it, and live with it. all the lonely ones...

the straight and honest answer is this:
all i really want, is to really mean something to someone.

oh no.....

OMG I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SPENT 3 HRS ON THE NIGHT BEFORE MY PROMOS REARRANGING MY GODDAMN FECKIN ROOM WTF. WTF. THIS IS SO DAMN FECKIN RETARDED. FECKIN HELL WAT AM I DOING???

OH AND BY THE WAY, I AM FECKIN UNPREPARED!!! :D X 10000000000

of the hopeless kin

live the dream is really good, in that it really shows how impossible singapore's music scene is. i mean, first having a rock themed show is a bad idea, secondly all the bands just plain suck at playing rock. i like cats in the cradle, but i like them for their acoustic work and nothing else. i mean wth, its not over, summer of 69, its not rock. its more pop rock. which is then very sad, because it really shows how impossible it is to become a rock musician in spore. honestly, nothing but pop can survive here, singaporeans cant appreciate rock music lah. thats what all the globalisation and cultural diversification has done to us, we have become general.

G: general.

for now

OMG ITS OVER.

it was horrible. terrible. absolutely drastic. i am pretty certain i'll fail. but i dont care.

COS ITS OVER.

escape your alien

thanks shu :D

camcorder baby

i realise i've been in vj so long, yet so little do i know about the school. oh well.

the hallowed dvd

peace

i am in a very strange mood right now. i think being angry makes me go abit wacky. my piano exam is in 35 hours ftw.

today i had a nice long talk with phoedebe. i realise i really miss being able to talk to people, people who wont judge, people who accept you for who you are.

its sad. it really is, how pathetic our society is becoming. are we all becoming stupid judgemental fools? cant we function anymore, without having to so readily judge people for what they are or are not? scarier still, haf we reached a point where we judge people according to who we make them out to be, and not who they really are?

there are some questions that just have no answers.

am i that worthless in your eyes,
a fly fluttering in the fading light.
i wont take it anymore this wholesome lie,
cross between two dragons and one sky.
because i rather be who i really am,
than to just be some stupid so called gentleman.

absolution

"As for Dom, he just rocks. He needs the transparent drum set so we could see his awesome pants.."

i freaking love muse.

bookshop heroes

i need a new template. i need a cool template. i need a template. tem-plate.

consciously, i lie to myself all the time.
subconsciously, i keep asking myself why.
though in my dreams it threatens to speak,
i hold by breath in anticipation of what might come next.

trust me

i hate not having stuff to do. it gets me damn restless.

its sucks to have a little bit of everything, and a whole lot of nothing.

goodbye again

I WAN A GIBSON LES PAUL.

sigh.

i forgot what i wanted to blog about liao.

gotta say something if not nothing

being scared is so easy eh.

this afternoon/evening was sooo nice. sitting in the canteen with phoedebe shu hao ge and nad, just talking, really not giving a care about anything else, and to really talk, it felt so good. sigh. i miss times like these, i really its been quite a forever since i had such conversation. it actually gives me hope in this world again.

theres so much i want to say, words just dont do justice to how i feel.
all of the running away, all of the lingering pain.
i want to be just like those angels that stay awake,
all night just to watch your peaceful sleep.
the shadow of your back fading into the sunset,
with the swallow diving into the never ending cloud.

learning back my heartbeat

oh my god. listening to pink floyd live leaves my brain and body in strange untold places. oh god. my heart is beating strangely now. oh god. pink floyd. oh god.

oh god.

serious damn, a 4 and a half min comfortably numb solo is just indecent man. it leaves the brain in places yet explored. mind fuck baby.

now or never or never ever

i'm bored.

and tired.

and cranky.

and unhappy.

and dissatisfied.

and unpleasant.

the list will go on and on.

until i finally decide to end it.

i want a backstreet boy to punch

fuck you, world. no, correction: FUCK YOU, WORLD.

if you can tell, which you probably cant, i am currently very pissed with the whole urgh world. (i am trying very hard to avoid swear words. i dont know why and i dont want to knwo why. it might get me angry.)

i AJIGHOQH(N@)!UT)goih HATE THE WORLD.

ok now for decent chat.

ok i got physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, defeated. destroyed. i am in a state of shambles, i am caught in a traumatic guitar string. i wish i had a punching bag right now. i dont know why, but i am suddenly filled with rather pent up intent. and rage. and anger. ARGABKQBVIBIBIVOQJOOBO.

i am feeling like an angsty angry boy right now. so, PIKAJOKAB. YOU BLOWJOB. PISS IN MY RED BULL AND SHIT LIKE A HORSE YOU COW FACE PUNK ASS TYRE RUNNER.

ode to the masses

honestly, being sad isnt that hard.

no matter how many times i say it,
over and over till the sky turns grey,
you'll never see, you'll never understand
that deep down someone i actually do care.
though you may think i feel no pain,
imagine that i've got ice filled veins.
the lies told over and over again,
conceal the truth of ghostly shame.
words dont come out the way they should,
meaning always clearly misunderstood.
you put me down cos you know you could,
though i've hoped you never would.
i cant say i've never cried,
right at the death of the plightless night.
stripped it right out of my head,
throw it in the boiler's gate.
let it spin and simmer round,
burn until it wont make any sound.
pause.
left right centre is doesnt ever matter,
its the same the claim the game.
often i do play the clown,
letting myself drown not frown.
but sometimes when the river clears,
into a gashing waterfall,
thats when it only ever hurts,
falling like a wingless bird.
you cant see that it means something to me,
what you think, what you make of me.
we all laugh and joke today,
but tomorrow its only my dismay.

get me lovestoned

really, its not that hard. har har.

smile like me

DISTORTION BABY!!!!!!!

oh baby.

HELLO!

tonight is a weird night. WEIRD. correction: today is a weird day. WEIRD.

me and minghao are currently having a strange conversation about an emo radio station, converting everyone such that we become a "a legion of discontented emo singaporeans" "disconnected AND discontented bent on revolution and overthrowing the government then they take powr", and my ascension to power. and how everyone has to bow to me when i say hello. HELLO! now bow. i am disatisfied with minghao's inability to submit to me.

and my conversation with shu has brought about some very very strange lines. such as this one:

if you want your ring back, you must exchange your dreams for it

i mean, how cool is that? i cna just picture that in some super mega cool fantasy game or movie or smthn. like, woah moment!

oh! moment!

debunking my myth

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

.greatest fear to fear the great..

i fear relationships. why? because for every start there must be and end. for every day there'll be a night. and i fear the end. i fear loss. loss of those closest to me. closest to my heart. people whom i could trust. people i have placed faith in. i fear not being unable to achieve, instead i fear losing what i have. i desperately cling on, hoping it'll last forever. but nothing is forever. is there fprver? who is to say? i fear letting go. i fear having to let go of things i have. letting go is hard. too hard for the heart. it takes too much out of me. its scars too deep. i fear rejection. i fear not being accepted by those i seek acceptance from. not a mass, nto an entity, but the individual. people. persons. and i fear not being able to gain their trust, failing to garner their faith. i fear pain. pain brought about by having to go through life the way it is. the physical pain shall fade away, btu the pain from dealiing with people, egos, emotions, minds, hearts. overwhelming. fragile fragmetns of the soul, yet forced to juggle them, watch to see which is to fall first. i fear letting down the poeple who have placed faith in me. to have to face the dissapointment, the hurt, its just too much for me to take. i fear running away. not facing up to what i should. thrying to escape, though i know i cant. i fear losing control. over my emotions. to lose the control, allowing the gates to break open, i'd be afraid, frightened, cos the repercussions are too great. to be abel to control my emotions is something i want to be able to pride myself for. but maybe its pride misplaced. i fear having to consider all the options of any situation, for it brings rise to too many possibilities i dont want to see. i fear underachieving. not meeting my own standards. others dont matter, for if i dont even meet my own personal standards, its only letting myself down. and yet i fear overachieving. i fear reaching a point where there is no more to achieve. the end. for what then, when theres nothing more to achieve? nothing left to strive for? i fear having belief placed in me. cosi know only too well that it is more thaan likely that i shall dissapoint. i fear things being beyond my comprehension. i seek to understand things that are going on, but if and when i dont, i feel lost. to be unable to be clear of things happening, to analyse but not understand, it'll scare me. and i fear being at a loss, with no direction in which to go, no idea where to turn. i fear having to make decisions. there are too many implications, too many possibilities.
i fear my heart, my mind, but not my soul.
for there is belief. and in that i trust.
could i conquer these fears? probrably not.
i cant make it go away, i wont.
everyday i face all these i fear, but am i fearful? hopefully not.
what do i live for? not for others, not for myself, but for all i fear. i live to see myself faced with all that i am afraid of, over and over again.
why? cos its a challenge. and i like challenges. i thrive on them. not to conquer, but just the ride.
see, i live on adrenaline.

Posted by dessy at 7:25 PM

that, was more than 2 years ago. sigh. see this is what happens when you get sick of reading about holocaust denial and creation-science. you go through old blog entries. what the hell. (note to self: who's you? chances are no one reads this but yourself you idiot, so stop pretending like theres an audience of some sort.)

well i didnt actually read that from my archives. i reread it in my diary, then i reread it on my blog, den reread some other stuff. the thing that really struck me is that, while some things have definitely changed (and for the better, i'd like to believe), some things, well, havent. i mean, i'd like to think that i've become less naive, i'm matured and all that shit, but beyond all of that, there are things i cant help but realise that havent changed at all. in one sense, i dont think i am any closer than 2 years ago in defining who i am. which is a really scary thought. i mean, yes in the almost 3 years i've been in vj i've learnt alot, not just about myself, but in general. but i still am confused about who i am. in sec 2 i thought i knew who i am. sec 3, ok ip1 wadeva, that really fucked everything up. it really did make me reconsider alot of the things i thought i knew, about others, about myself, about life in general. so many things happened, so many things changed, and i say it over and over again, it really forced me to grow up. which is definitely a good thing in many respects.

but the thing that really strikes me about this post, is that for the majority of it, i can still post it now. ok maybe not the last portion (HAHA laugh with me now HAHA). but the whole first section, it more or less still holds true. that aint the scary part. the scary part is this: how long more will all of that apply? i mean, i think at some point, i have to honestly face up to all of that. i cant run forever. i dont want to run forever, even if i'm doing it right now. (HM maybe thats why my dreams are always about running, but i always wake up just before i reach where i want to reach. hm. ok maybe not)

theres another thing i realise. i'm now trying to work out whether i'm more honest now or then. ok desmond shall think. actually, having thought about it, i suspect it is actually quite different. last time, i suppose i could be more honest with others, but not myself. all the hating, all the angst, all the anger, it amounted to some kind of truth, in that beyond all the "fuck"s and all the "shit"s, i probably can sieve out the elements of honesty. now, i suppose i do find it easier to be honest on the inside. on the outside? not so easy. the main difference is this - i suppose last time, i did first, thought(regret/worry/reflect) after. now, i think first, do after. or in many cases, dont do after. and i suppose at least last time, i actually did all those things first. i did stuff i can regret later. now, i'm too scared, i suppose even more scared than last time, and as a result, there are alot of things i want to do but cant, or dont. i mean, so much for development eh. so i suppose i cant decide when i've been more honest, then or now, but i can say i am not more honest than i was, which is a bad thing. i think.

i just had this thought. could this be cyclical? like, 2 yrs and 4 months from now, i'll come back, look at this again, re post it, and realise nothing has changed. scary thought? i hope not.

nope, i cant. not yet.

the age game

i want to live life with no regrets. i want to be able to look back and say, "yes, that was worth it", "no i wouldnt have done it any way else". i want to be able to do that. and now, just 17, already i think i cant.

hur, and you wonder why people never grow old.

in need of some pursuit

ah fuck my sis is watching bring it on. (again, i think)

i've realised, i have a few means of running away. one is music. second one is intellectual pursuits. today whilst i was reading, i suddenly realised, "hey, this aint right." i realised that all i was doing was to just push all the thoughts out of my mind, to bury myself in the thoughts of others, so that i dont have to deal with my own.

i cant believe i've resorted to doing quizes to kill my hopelessly wasted time.

dont think about me

the problem is this. thinking makes me sad and fucked up, but i cant not think. i think (hah) i have some form of addiction to thinking, such that i just cannot not think. and its depressing thinking about it (pun not intended). its a horrible feeling, having to think things through, wondering all the time, and not knowing. because my problem is that i want to know, but i'm too scared to find out. so i create all these possibilities and maybes in my mind, knowing that one of them is probably right, i just dont know which one.

so can i make choices? dont trust me on that. seriously.

who needs money when you've got me?

as my 601th post, i shall make it a meaningful one.

first, i'd like to say sorry. its not really as simple as that, but sometimes, theres only so much you can do.

secondly, i'd like to decide what i want to do. short term. long term can wait.
i want to write a song. and not just some lame emo shit song, i want to write a song that means something. i want to write a song. and i want to write a great song. i want to write a hey there delilah, or a tears in heaven. simple, yet amazing. but honestly, i dont think i have it in me to write a song as good as that. its just, you must have that something. some call it inspiration, i call it...inspiration. i suspect. and anyway, since when did i ever do anything i said i would anyway. exclamation mark!

thirdly, i want to buy a guitar pedal. or rather, multiple pedals. i want a distortion pedal, a delay pedal, and after that special effect pedals. someone give me money. please i beg you.

fourth, i want to make music. ie i want to jam. ie i need to jam. ie i cannot jam. ie i got no one to jam with. ie i'm dead. ie my dreams are going down the abyss of reality. ie i am not thinking clearly.

ie i shall be gone. or begone whichever it is.

need vs want

often it is really very simple. (i suspect i'm starting to think like an economist O_O)

i need to figure out my needs and wants. only then i can i settle things. yes. simple isnt it?

say no

he may want to play his childish games, but i swear, i wont. not again. i will not let myself fall back into that angst trap, i will not allow myself to be drawn into yet another meaningless battle. why? because it simply isnt worth it. i've learnt that much. its too stupid, too tiring, having to hate and be frustrated all the time. the only fear i have, is that i may not have anywhere to let it all out. and that might just make me, crack.

fuck you dad.

titles dont make a man

i hate harry potter harry potter. he screws with my life.

on a less exciting note, i have reconcluded that i am actually very normal. i have very normal wants, just expressed in possibly abnormal ways. like seriously. all the abnormal stuff, all the tumultuous rubbish, its all to cover up all the normality within. normality is lame u know, and i dont want to be lame... so i pretend to be different and all. truth hurts, and no one wants to be hurt.

on the other hand, thinking about all this normality shit, it just aint normal is it?

ah well, at least i started with a conclusion. i had another conclusion, but i have forgotten what it is. OH YES!

i have also reasoned why i like music so much. music makes me happy, cos music distracts me from thinking. thinking makes me sad, and music stops me thinking, hence music makes me happy. (any ki student would totally screw my argument over, but wad the hell) and for that alone, music is important. its not just an escape, its...shit i cant think of anything besides escape, but my point is that it isnt just as simple as just being an escape. its like, i feel comfortable, more so than about any other time. really, thinking about stuff just complicates things too much. sometimes, it just so much better just doing. music vs theatre, i'd pick music 7 times out of 10 (there are certain forms of theatre i just cannot say no to). music makes me happy. sometimes, all i really need is a guitar, pen and paper, and time.

time.

hmph

you're surprisingly insensitive, honestly.

seriously, no one takes me seriously.

signpost doctor

i'm not needing some place to go. i'm needing some place to stay.

after all, i cannot be wandering all my life, street after streets, because all streets do end somewhere. i've got to find the main road, and i've got to find it fast. before i get lost.

i need sleep and tons of weep

honestly guess work sucks. you never know where you're going, you dont even know whether you're even getting anywhere. and what is really bewildering is that people do that all the time. i do that all the time! why oh why?? if only life were as simple as math, where the probability of me doing something is but a fixed ratio to something else. i mean, at least then i have choices. but no, life aint so easy is it? so many variables, changing all the time, i really wonder how anyone can figure things out. i do all i can, and i'm nowhere.

yes it does hurt.

its not like writing a book. in writing a book, you can plan the end, and then slowly work out how you're gonna get there. at the rate things are going, i am going to be trapped in a pit hole of misspelled words and misery. and there is no way out. or rather, there is, but i'm not sure how i will get there. and maybe, jus maybe, i'll be just a little too late, and it'll be over.

forever?

disconcerting silence

i know, i know.

who never wished that the world were a better place? who never wished they could change the world? i've always believed that someday, somehow, i will change the world. everyone needs a lofty unachievable goal.

and mine, is to make you understand.

augusts

complications complicate.

its like a spider web, suddenly everything's inter-related, suddenly everything's messed up in each other. and i cant control it anymore. its spiralling out of control with every little action, every missed word, every lost touch.

what a difference a night makes.

i. cant. thing. right. now. pain. pain. pain.

ice ice baby!

i have concluded that i have a thing for Em.

a praise chorus

essentially, i've forgotten.

laimeeyomey?

i think i know why i dont regret stuff. its cos i think about them too much, often before i even do it. ok i am determined, i shall do more things i will end up regretting from now on. usually difference is what matters.

and counting

i have problems. i wish i had problem. then i would be able to find answer. instead of having to find answers. because it is damn tiring, having to find answers all the time.

stoke the ego, place it on the fire.
let it burn, melt it down,
and forge it into an everlasting crown.

i want a theory of everything. that is what is making my life so damn miserable. i have to stop ki-ing my own life. cos i dont think its getting my anywhere. i keep searching for something more, so much so i'm not sure i can appreciate the here and now.

wonderful. i am in a depressed kind of mood. with 31 hrs to do my crit com. crotch com lah.