singaporeans are brilliant. you know the classic problem: tomayto or tomarto? well, we singaporeans have figured it out.

tomehto.

i lie all the time, even if its the only way to make them fake their smiles...

hello. i wonder if anyone hears this plea. but it is of no matter and consequence, all the fault still will remain mine.

hello there. can you hear me? will you spare one moment to witness this out pour?

gosh, this is incredibly stupid. yes, i know i am. shhh. shuttup. i'm trying very hard to cry here.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

bob. is. happy. is. bob.

for a long time now i've had this coming.

just think about it for a moment. some things must come, and then some things must go. there's no use holding on to the past is there? i mean, what's done cannot be undone, what wasn't done cannot now be done. everything, in some way, has its time and place. and once you let it out of your grasp, in many ways, its gone forever. there is no turning back, even if we keep looking back. there are some secrets you can just keep forever, even though it isnt really a secret. its more shortcoming, something you wouldnt want to admit to. your stupidity, your naivety, your mistake.

the real issue now is this: who do i want to be? i mean, sure i know what i can do, in some cases i know what i should do. do i then be myself? or be what i should be? how long more am i going to remain my selfish self, and hope that it'll pull me through? you know, i dont think i am what i was before. maybe its cos i used to have so much to hide. now what do i have? am come on, its j2 already. i'm 18, last year in vj. everythings going to end pretty damn soon you know. i hope that sharing session is still on, a12. we all need closure. i maybe more than all of you.

i think i am past unhappy or sad. i have entered the realms of being miserable. i hate what i'm doing, i hate so many things. i know what can make me happy, but i'm not doing/getting it. what does that make me? miserable. indeed it does. realistically, i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. in my dreams, i'll be doing what i want, what i enjoy, what i love. but i doubt anyone will let me chase that dream. my parents sure as hell wont. hell if anything, they'd be the ones trying to stop me.

there really is no use pretending this is some massive issue, some all-encompassing problem, when obviously its not...

there are no answers.
there isnt a way out, not yet.
i'm still learning.
even if i dont like it,
as much as i want to escape it,
i've fallen thus far.
through the clouds and onto the grass.
there are no answers.
all day i can wish upon falling stars,
watch the days run past,
and still i'll think of you.
no idea, never ever will.
there are no answers.
none, this riddle will forever baffle.
tease young men, play with their minds.
this night we shall change,
make amends for all the faults of our games.
but there are no answers.

happiness resides in those who seek nothing of the meaning to their existence.

sigh. valentines day once more. i dont want to be cynical. sometimes, its so depressing. the truth is, there isnt anyone left to talk to anymore...

groups has ended. at least for now. suddenly, things are going to have to go back to normal again. i dunno if i can deal. no more late nights, no more thaipan, no more dancing...

for some people its so easy you know.
all they have to do is be themselves.
and i dont know how they can do it,
just throwing such words around.
often, all i want to do is to lose myself.
find some way to stop those thoughts,
to just let go, all of it.
but its not easy, it never is.
life doesnt give you second chances,
you've got to work for them.
and sometimes, no one cares see.
no one wants to admit to being weak.
no one wants this curse that is defeat.

things have been so tiring. crazy. i have become crazy. or rather more crazy. and well, everything is speeding. suddenly there isnt time anymore. everyone's rushing to do so many things. too many things, too little time.

honestly, too many things to say, too little words to express just how i want to feel.

what a blissful 18th birthday =)

thanks you friends.

what does it say, when even using an exclamation mark in a sentence is difficult?

what really sucks, is having everything you ever wanted taken away from you.

without even a reason why.

i realise, my anger is very self-destructive. i think i need anger management. its been too long since i've had anyone to talk to. the actual period of actually being angry isnt long. its all the shit that comes after. it kills me from within. its just, i dont have anyway to get it out. especially now, when he has to be so fucking moronic to take my guitar away just cos of some fucking piano exam. it all makes no sense at all. how stupid can parents be? ugh. i really feel like ranting now, and just, you know, everything. but then, i dont. in some ways, i cant. i'm doing all this shit to myself anyway.

running around in circles all the time.
licking the salt in my paper cut wound.

gosh, january is over, just like that. it still feels strange being j2. its almost like it hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know when it will. but oh well, everything takes time i guess. you know what they say about time healing all wounds. in a way, i think its true. the question to ask is, just how long are you going to wait? we dont live forever, we dont heal forever. i suspect many people go through their lives with wounds that will never heal.

the thing is, most people dont care the way i do, i think. maybe i'm just anal, maybe i have some kind of complex, but i suppose the core of it is just a desire to be specific. trying to sort out the differences between 'can' and 'will'. the differences between 'must' and 'are'. its all about the phrasing, these questions... i mean, different questions ask for different answers. there is a difference between "can you do something?" vs "will you do something?". one does not necessarily lead to the other. i suppose people just assume that correlation.

i think the one thing i need to figure out is what i want. okay so it probably isnt that simple. its more like, among all the things that i want, what do i want most? i havent figured that out, and honestly i dont think i am anywhere close to figuring that out. and you know, i am turning 18 in 4 days. i should really get to figuring this out. i cant just get on in life not knowing what i want. i need a direction, i need a goal.

its hard wanting something you cant get.