hate is a many splendoured thing

it brings about so much power,
so much passion, belief.
in its palms it holds the world,
balancing the world on that tiny axis,
pushing, pulling,
but never letting go.

could you tame the beast in your heart
gather it and ride to greater heights.
managing to channel it to where it should be,
not in the heart,
but the mind.
to use it,
is maybe what could be achieved.

but seek this power at what cost?
friendship, love,
everything you have?
jus to consider,
it is all too painful already.

but yet in all these times,
it is only easier to search,
try to discover this rare ability.
try as one might,
only the select few shall ever master it.
but search we always will.

cos its easier than discovering love.

brighter side of life

i thought that todays interactive forum thingy wasnt very good, in the sense that you more or less knew what would happen. the following are the reasons why i tink so:
1. the script is too predictable. i mean, everyone knows that the mum will keep sayin no until the last one. hence it would have been interesting if the first person had like threatened to jump or smthn. lol.
2. the actress (the mum) was too good. in the sense you know there was no crackin her till she's suppose to be cracked.
3. the people who went up were too passe. i don rmb anythin spectacular, even in henry's one cos he came back and still tried to reason. no offence, but somehow u had to know there was no use reasoning.
4. the range of possible scenarios are too small. in comparison to last year vs arts day one, this one is relatively controlled. its like the only diff was how you argued/reasoned, and not so much what you argued/reasoned. hell.
5. we could only play 1 character. in that the protagonist is the only one where things can be changed. i feel an effective interactive forum should allow mroe than just 1 role difference.i'm not sdaying it wasnt effective, jus that maybe not enough. what this means is that though the actors are diff (lynda), the mum is always the same, hence the arguments become repetitive after awhile.
6. it was more or less the usual people who went up, and this sucks cos you don get to see another side of many people. i mean, i'm pretty sure we all more or less know the styles of these few people, no?

and i actually wouldnt mind seeing more of these kinds of stuff, jus maybe about more "interesting" issues, cos i mean the whole parent-child thing is quite common. and also i would want to see victorians put up their works, albeit on a smaller scale.

how interesting. some shit.

not gonna marry jus yet

sometimes it amazes me,
jus how the lines can be so straight.
so fixed,
almost like it was embedded to the head.

initiallity is everything,
and jus tink back,
about how the line came about.
its at the beginning,
when the pieces are floatin around,
only for the mould to let it take shape.
and then the line grows.
growing with the mould,
longer and longer,
deeper and deeper,
and at no point was there a turning back.

now after so long,
when brought into this world,
into the worlds of circles,
octagons, diamonds,
where does this line fit in?
right in the middle,
or through it?

maybe its too much to ask,
but not askin is by far a crime.
and this time i aint no criminal.

a curve is technically a line.

jeezuz dayz

its so interesting aint it?
cos it seems to be changing constantly.
so often its bewildering,
how does one do it?
i really do wonder.

maybe its jus us.
but den again,
its hard to say there aint ahything happening,
cos its quite impossible to ignore certain things.

--
some say its character.
and dat i find hard to believe.
its overly much dont you tink?
cos sometimes, watching,
and then thinking back to things i've heard,
i can seriously put doubt in it.
--

if it all comes through,
can anyone imagine what it'll be like?
whoa, scary.
it'll probrably be alot better/worse (dependin on how u see it) den the first.
haiz. how? can anot?

not for us to say.

clinging on, changing shirts, washing shoes.
july 15.

renewal

i'm jus hopin we could at least keep it this way.
for it was like this good times we had.
and the past one month of silence was all too painful.
i don wan that kind of pain again.
pls, i beg you,
to give me a chance,
to give yourself a chance.

not too good for you,
not too good for anyone.

voices of life and death

my top twenty songs at the moment:
1. scars, papa roach
2. mistaken, parousia
3. suteki da ne (piano), ffx
4. we believe, good charlotte
5. wake me up when september ends, greenday
6. untitled, simpleplan
7. bohemian rhapsody (live), elton john & guns n' roses
8. 1000 words (piano), ffx-2
9. incomplete, backstreet boys
10. the middle, jimmy eat world
11. beautiful disaster (live), kelly clarkson
12. hold on, good charlotte
13. melodies of life - reborn (piano), michael huang/ffix
14. mr brightside, the killers
15. i like to move it, sacha baron coheen (ali-g)
16. loving the alien, velvet revolver
17. you and me, lifehouse
18. stalker, goldfinger
19. collide, howie day
20. lonely, akon

two hearts as one

love.
does it ever die?
hardly, for its never allowed to.
we love, we always do, and in turn we seek love.
and the few times it all turns out right,
it becomes so perfect, so true.

hate.
could we vanquish it?
impossible.
for with love will come hate.
it is the one emotion as powerful,
as strong as love.
hate burns everything around,
yet it fuels the heart.

and what when these worlds collide?

the combining of opposites,
the uniting of poles,
it could only cause destruction.
two emotions so powerful they change lives,
yet so basic they can rule the world.
and when one triumphs over the other,
it is the point of creation.
creation of a new life though not dead.

is it possible to love without hate,
or to hate without love?
no.
cos hate is losing all love,
and love is releasing all hatred.

throw it all away

honesty is too much.
it asks for too much out of me.
which is why i never am.

is being honest that hard?
i don tink so.
yet why is it for me?
why indeed.
its because i have too much to hide.
its because theres too much i don even understand.
its because theres so much i'm afraid of facing.

could i live an honest life?
seriously, no.
i'd die from trying.
which is pretty much why my life is build on lies.
lies upon lies,
till the lies i could believe is true.

and when people ask me,
ask me anything at all.
i'm all but too afraid to speak the truth.
cos i cant. i don want to.
almost like a damn hermit,
i coil up, and hide.

why?
cos the scars won fade.

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut.
my weakness is that i care too much.
my scars remind me that the past is real,
i tear my heart open just to feel.
- scars, papa roach

in betweens

we strive not towards a goal,
but towards a direction.
cos there never is a goal.
the end we can never reach.
but as we could,
walk towards where it should be,
where we suppose it to be.

everyone always talks about having a goal in life,
and how one goes about achivong that goal.
but haf u ever considered,
once u reach ure goal,
wad do u do then?
cos there'll be notin left to work towards.

and yet there can never be a set goal.
even if we are made to,
say achieve a certain result,
the achievement is but a marker,
a marker of a greater direction in which you're headed.

so wad is my direction?
this, i cannot answer.
it beyond my grasp.
cos everytime i think i've found the answer,
something else will rip it apart.
and forever i could only seek,
to find the direction i'm headed.
yet i can never be too sure,
for it will only be my downfall.

in the pits.

insurgant worries

i could forgive.
yet i wont.
cos you dont even see your own faults.
are you just basically disillusioned,
or just plain ignorant,
i really dont know.

just what are your intentions,
seeking something you dont deserve.
what made you do so?
to say make one less enemy of me,
thats as pathetic an explanation as i've come across.
cos if thats never crossed your mind when the year began,
why now? it makes nuts sense.

and even after all this talk,
i still don see you being any clearer.
do you even know what i'm talkin about?
its hard to say.
would you ever realise your own faults?
could you ever?

its amazing,
cos listening to you,
giving one after another that isnt ever quite there,
its a wonder i still make effort,
even bother, cos i shouldnt.
its a waste of time, as things stand.

insensitivity - hardly.
cowardice - hardly.

only if you ever do realise,
then should you come to me.
for i'm not gonna try,
until you do.

hanging for too many moments

are you brave?
do you even know?
just what does it mean to be brave?
facing up to challenges,
coping with disaster,
dealing with the inner demons,
doing what others cant,
treading a road never travelledd,
do all these make you brave?

what defines bravery?
is it the medals?
those pieces of gold or silver,
recognising your actions,
acknowledging you bravery.
yet what for?
cos half the time these actions
are done without thought of the rewards.
so is bravery doing the right thing?

bravery is many things.
it is being able to do the perceived wrong.
it is being able to stand up for things no one does.
it is being able to do what's not expected of you.

but most of all,
bravery isnt about facing the cowardly people all around,
but it is facing the cowardly person inside of you.

pictures he drew

i dont think it should be.
never thought it was,
and less something drastic happens,
never will i believe it will be.
regardless some may think it cute.
is it? maybe.
and will it? could it?
i seriously doubt it.

the first already i knew wouldnt.

are you really different?
the similarities are glaring.
the bubbliness, yet the seriousness.
the want to be free,
thats how i see it to be.

and would this be right?
it didnt work out once,
why twice?

i dont even know.

key missing

am i so mysterious,
so much that no one knows me?
i dont know.
it nisnt so much that no one knows me,
but i think its more what i want someone to konw about me.
its strange isnt it.
described as hot and cold,
i really dont know.
that wouldnt be the best way to describe me,
cos with some things i'm just permanently cold.

i seek acceptance,
i seek understanding,
but so ironic is the fact that
though i seek all these,
i never allow for it.
and times like these i ask myself:
just what do i seek to achieve?
from all the lies, the deceits,
the part-truths.
and i dont haave an answer.
not yet.

why is it i cant open up?
why is it i cant allow others to understand me?
why?

cos i've kept my self locked,
the key is lost already,
and i still havent found it.

wrong direction

why is it we runaway?
are we just too afraid to face the truth?
or is the truth not there for us to face?

have i ever runaway?
yes, and how.

they say running away is for the weak,
those too afraid to face it,
live a life of excuses.
but could we take it?
could we face the truth?
cos ever is the truth too hard to take.
too much to handle.
hence we run. we hide.
in the darkness of our mind,
we escape.

how ironic it is,
when we keep tellin others, ourselves,
to stop running.
to look back,
face everything we're too fearful to.
all these said, yet we cant even trust ourselves to do so.
hypocritical? not just.

yet all this time we run,
where are we running to?
do we run to a place of calm?
a place where there are no worries?
this place dont exist.
it never will.
the place we search, we sometimes find,
its nothing but a mere illusion,
created by our mind to providew us an excuse to run .
cos all this time we're running,
we aint running anywhere,
but further. further from ourselves.
further from our hearts.
cos in our hearts lie the truth.
the truth we cant face.
the truth we wont face.
and so we run.

but what if the truth aint there?
that no matter how you search,
it'll never come,
and no matter how deep you dig,
nothing ever turns up.
for this only one thing there is to do.
dig deeper.
cos the truth is always there.
question is how deep is it buried.
we all live lifes of deception.
lives that are quite simply a lie.
and for this we bury the truth.
bury it under all the illusions,
the farces, the facades,
that we call character.
for its all bullshit.
and through time this grime builds up,
layers upon layers,
hiding the truth beneath.
and so much we do,
all to cover up for what we cant.
hiding beneath the layers of our minds.

the truth is there to be found.
thing is, how badly do you want it?

and i'm still running,
trying to escape, though i know i cant.
btu why do i run?
cos i know that if i stay,
i'd be crushed.
crushed by the guilt,
the regret, the dissapointment,
cos thats what my truths bring to me.
pain.

greatest fear to fear the great.

i fear relationships. why? because for every start there must be and end. for every day there'll be a night. and i fear the end. i fear loss. loss of those closest to me. closest to my heart. people whom i could trust. people i have placed faith in. i fear not being unable to achieve, instead i fear losing what i have. i desperately cling on, hoping it'll last forever. but nothing is forever. is there fprver? who is to say? i fear letting go. i fear having to let go of things i have. letting go is hard. too hard for the heart. it takes too much out of me. its scars too deep. i fear rejection. i fear not being accepted by those i seek acceptance from. not a mass, nto an entity, but the individual. people. persons. and i fear not being able to gain their trust, failing to garner their faith. i fear pain. pain brought about by having to go through life the way it is. the physical pain shall fade away, btu the pain from dealiing with people, egos, emotions, minds, hearts. overwhelming. fragile fragmetns of the soul, yet forced to juggle them, watch to see which is to fall first. i fear letting down the poeple who have placed faith in me. to have to face the dissapointment, the hurt, its just too much for me to take. i fear running away. not facing up to what i should. thrying to escape, though i know i cant. i fear losing control. over my emotions. to lose the control, allowing the gates to break open, i'd be afraid, frightened, cos the repercussions are too great. to be abel to control my emotions is something i want to be able to pride myself for. but maybe its pride misplaced. i fear having to consider all the options of any situation, for it brings rise to too many possibilities i dont want to see. i fear underachieving. not meeting my own standards. others dont matter, for if i dont even meet my own personal standards, its only letting myself down. and yet i fear overachieving. i fear reaching a point where there is no more to achieve. the end. for what then, when theres nothing more to achieve? nothing left to strive for? i fear having belief placed in me. cosi know only too well that it is more thaan likely that i shall dissapoint. i fear things being beyond my comprehension. i seek to understand things that are going on, but if and when i dont, i feel lost. to be unable to be clear of things happening, to analyse but not understand, it'll scare me. and i fear being at a loss, with no direction in which to go, no idea where to turn. i fear having to make decisions. there are too many implications, too many possibilities.
i fear my heart, my mind, but not my soul.
for there is belief. and in that i trust.
could i conquer these fears? probrably not.
i cant make it go away, i wont.
everyday i face all these i fear, but am i fearful? hopefully not.
what do i live for? not for others, not for myself, but for all i fear. i live to see myself faced with all that i am afraid of, over and over again.
why? cos its a challenge. and i like challenges. i thrive on them. not to conquer, but just the ride.
see, i live on adrenaline.

dark heart

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins - but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars.

just so i'll know

what is it you want?
what is it we want?
what is to be want?
want?
need?
have?
maybe?
do i even know?
how would i know?
and what till then?

-- so many questions still left unanswered.

holiday

bleh.
its the hols.
i've been doing quite alot of work.
eh.
don even know why,
but theres jus nothing else i can do.
go out, parents make noise.
sleep, parents make noise.
do anything else, parents make noise.
wad to do??
so i've been doin work.
whee.
if only i can maintain thins "hardworkin-ness"
for the rest of the year.
yip i shall. woot.

i was tinkin.
i haf a proposal to the usa,
about what they can do to the place where the wtc use to be.
why not turn it into a ball park?
as in baseball.
hell they could make the first foreign team to enter the leauge.
name the stadium ground zero.
bring in a team of iraqis,
name them the New York Bombers.
could even release sadam on probation and let him be the goddam manager!!
jus a suggestion.

eh i'm bein incoherent here...

to there and back

ok. update.
i jus went malaysia,
for the past 3 days.
went kl, sunway lagoon, yah.
bought alot of stuff.
here goes:
bodyglove cargo pants (there are actually bodyglove shops there),
black diesel jeans,
2 bball dvds,
2 games (pirated of course),
erm, i tink dats all. haha.
aniwae, malaysia was pretty much nothing much.
shop, walk, walk, shop.
u get the idea.
oh and sunway lagoon was ok,
but i still prefer escape.
lol.
aniwae, the bus journeys suck.
like take forever lah.
and on the way back becos some pple complain about smthn,
the bus driver refused to drive,
stopped at some ulu stop along the highway,
and we waited 1 hr plus for another bus to come.
and den causeway take forever also.
the driver damn clever go woodlands.
wtf.
left kl at 3, reach home at 1am.
eh.
so dats malaysia. nothin really.

99 questions

i'm bored, so i decided to post this crappy quiz thingy... wtf.
oh and the qns are pretty random and follow no order whatsoever...

1. Name?
Dessy.

2. Sex?
Male.

3. School/class?
vjc. vip. v14

4. Religion?
anti

5. Meat or veg?
meat

6. Coke or pepsi?
pepsi

7. soya bean vs grass jelly?
soya bean

8. fav colour?
PINK!!

9. fav food?
uh, crab? anything non-veg i'll eat

10. the 5 places you hang out the most.
tm, orchard, parkway, plaza, suntec (where else is there to go?)

11. where do you feel most at home?
outside of home, preferably shoppin or playing soccer

12. the best way to past time?
talk, shop, play soccer, sleep, i don noe...

13. favourite sport?
soccer.

14. extreme sports you'd want to try?
skydiving, bungee, any extreme sport really.

15. sweet vs spicy?
spicy.

16. anyone in yur life?
not really.

17. smoke?
nope.

18. drugs?
nah.

19. ever shoplifted?
yep. its jus so easy...

20. skipped school for non-legitimate reasons?
not that i can tink of...

21. the person you want to meet the most.
hmmm... my long lost brother, mj, bush, ronaldo

22. 5 people who deserve to die.
bush, my dad, jose mourinho, roman abromovich, the person who invented sch (tho i tink he's already dead...)

23. most boring subject?
chi?

24. favourite subject?
hmmm... prob lit.

25. song playing right now?
notin. but my sis is blastin my happy ending outside in the hall. am turning on music. k now busted's 3am is playin.

26. fav artist?
busted, gd charlotte, kelly, VR, parousia(!), alot others lah.

27. bo or carrie?
bo.

28. fav brand?
adidas.

29. kind of people you like?
not sure. out going people, people willing to haf fun, etc.

30. kind of people you hate?
backstabbers, integrity-less bitches, the works.

31. biggest fault?
procrastination, ego, others.

32. stupidest things you have ever done?
too many.

33. first thing you'd do when you turn 18?
not sure. legally buy beer prob.

34. country you most wish to go?
england!

35. hair colour?
black/streaks of gold.

36. preferably?
white, blond, maybe red.

37. what are you doing right now?
wasting time on this quiz, some work opened in another window

ever:
38. been in love?
don tink so.

39. been lied to?
ah duh.

40. had a crush?
yip.

41. lied to someone?
yah...

42. been backstabbed?
i'm not really sure. i tink so, tho i cant rmb when...

43. been cheated?
erm?

44. had a fist fight?
yep.

45. been sent to vp/p?
yah, way too many times...

46. been caught doing a crime?
nope. too good for that.

47. gotten drunk?
nope.

48. most memorable moment?
not sure.

49. most painful memory.
ahhh... a few.

50. favourite word/phrase?
lol, haha, wtf, >.<, uh, duh.

first person that comes to mind:
51. falling asleep in class
james.

52. late for class
zhao chen aka usher

53. stupid
james or yb

54. retard
yb.

55. tall.
visa.

56. short
derrick/nick/yj

57. smart
me? or maybe gabriel.

58. sexy
-brain overload- chick in stacy's mom video (the girl)

59. irritatin
ganesh.

60. pathetic
derrick.

61. trust.
sher.

62. funny
erm, yb.

63. sling bag
yx.

64. nike.
c. ronaldo

65. adidas
myself, beckham (ew)

66. beauty
beholder

67. have you ever worn a dress/skirt?
skirt.

do you believe in:
68. fate/destiny
hell yeah.

69. miracles
sometimes.

70. wishes comin true.
yeah.

71. afterlife
nope.

72. reincarnation
not really, tho i've considered what i might want to be.

73. love at first sight.
maybe.

74. yourself.
yip.

75. com games you're playin rite now?
tcm 05 (it would be fifa if henry would rmb to lend me the disc)

76. current goal in life?
to die of an incurable disease. get back into soccer next yr. pass chi.

77. favourite number?
7.

78. own a laptop?
yeah.

last person:
79. you called
mom.

80. called you
mr teo o.0

81. u smsed
eh i deleted everything liao but i tink it was diane.

82. smsed u
also deleted but i tink it was pea.

83. you smiled at
??

84. in your address book
in my phone its adri, although by alphebatical order it would be ziming. smthn wrong with my phone.

85. you insluted
subra (on cheryl's blog. eh. was jokin)

86. you thought of.
see 61.

87. you fought with.
prob my mum, or else, no one really.

88. you laughed with.
pea.

89. last movie you watched
madagascar!! haha. the chief lemur is fucking funny, with the indian accent. oh and the giraffe also damn funny. brings back memories. and i lyk the puny lemur.

90. last thing you bought.
food at swensens.

91. what would you do with a million dollars.
buy a new phone, xbox 360, psp, tv, redo my room, new boots, new pda, new shoes (i would say a few), and elec guitr of two, drums(?), and if i haf enuff money still maybe extend my room to fit all the above stuff. lol. i wish.

92. idol
c. ronaldo, ronaldinho, any pro-ass non-classical pianist, mainly any leet muscian.

93. play any instruments?
piano, abit of guitar. i wanna take up drums!!

94. do you think you'll be famous one day?
yeah, hopefully.

95. what do you want to be when you grow up?
alive. ho and in terms of profession prob an athlete, writer, lawyer, businessman, musician

96. and what do you think you'll be when you grow up?
jailbird, civil servant, some lowly person in some crappy company, president of s'pore.

97. what's your hair like?
i jus got it cut!! -horrors- it was quite long, den now its like short and spiky. eh. looks...strange.

98. describe yourself in one word.
dessy.

99. missing anyone rite now?
yep.

never this way

i'm goin crazy.
i actually have started on my work,
and well i've finished quite abit of it...
which is not right.

whats becoming of me?

then again, i dont really have a choice.
stuck in this shit,
where there's people constantly breathing down your neck,
constantly nagging, pestering me to get work done.
maybe by doin work they'll shuttup.
but no. they'll never shuttup, will they?

sigh.

inevident pain

it weird, cos reading everyones' blogs,
everyone's saying how tired he/she is.
and strangely i don feel tired at all.
no cramps, no headache,
no fever, no sore throat,
wtf, somethings not right.

aniwae, i find it strange that so many people are creating thank you lists.
esp about mt fuji.
and i don noe.
i don tink i should create one,
cos it'll jus be the same things again.
but jus so everyone noes,
there are alot of people i have to thank
for making the trip wad it was.
so yeah.

and now after japan,
i'm jus hopin maybe i'll haf abit of holiday.
abut of the fun holidays are suppose bring.
but i dont noe.
can i, when nothing allows for it.
and i'm trying to finish all my work as soon as possible.
hell yeah, i'm goin crazy.

- sws: yeah

finders not keepers

inspiration.
deluding all who seek it,
finding all who need it.
often just when we need it the most,
it drifts away, slip right through our fingers,
much like a shadow you never really could see.
it's there, yet maybe it's not.
it's hard to be sure.

just why do we seek,
for this thing so elusive it's almost beyond us.
why, i wonder...
really, is this something we need?

but everytime down, close to out.
it springs into your mind,
gives you the will to carry on.

being touched by our very own god,
that's inspiration.

searching my heart

waiting for you.

- too many questions, too little answers

keepers of the fayth

woot. back from japan trip.

i still remember the fuji climb.
every single bit of it.
but its the end,
in which i will always remember the clearest.
right from the point we hit the open road,
we meaning the 10+ of us,
everyone was feeling shit.
it was cold, raining, freakin windy,
conditions not made for a good climb.
and at every turn we thought,
is this it? is this it?
yet it never was it.
but when we did reach,
we went crazy.
shouting, screaming,
in joy, pain, sorrow, i dont really know.
upon entering the place,
mrs jay and ms toh helped us to dry off,
and after we had a quick meal.
to warm up, so called.
what followed i never will forget.

we knew that the rest of the batch were quite some way back ,
but hoe far exactly we didnt know.
and when the teachers told us vans were being sent out,
we were goddam shocked.
cos they were stuck out there,
in what was like the middle of nowhere,
freezing their asses off.
we were told to finish up and get ready to help them
the way the teachers "took care" of us.

so aniwae we went down and waited for the 1st group to come in,
and there was these weird towels we suppose to use,
and we were still shivering so we were group huggin lyk free...
uh, yeah.
when the 1st batch really did come in,
i was really stunned.
i mean, looking at the really bad condition they were in,
crying, fingers, faces frozen,
it was saddening.
and ironically it was our job to help them get warm,
get them to go eat etc.
and so we went around rubbing peoples hair,
trying to get them dry so they dont fall ill,
and lyk talkin to them and stuff,
all this time still shivering.
and then the subsequent groups,
it really was extremely hard to bear.
but at that point in time i felt a sense of communion,
the fact the 10+ of us guys, though we didnt really know each other,
still managed to find the bond,
in helping the others we too helped ourselves.
and in each batch you could see different people,
their pain, hurt, worry etc.
and at times i jus felt so helpless.
cos i really don know how to help people,
when all of us were jus so unstable at that point in time.
and yet we still managed to pull through, i think.

and from that experience,
reflecting back in my hotel room,
30 may 2005,
i realised i've learnt so much about people,
and also so much about myself.
the climb revealed alot about every person,
and it allowed me to know some people better too.
watching people helping each other out,
encouraging, pushing each other on.
i think that was what the climb truly was about.
not the end, but getting there.
i wasnt with the group that got lost,
so there are things i don't know,
but from what i heard it was that every one
turned to each toher for comfort.
with no one to lead the way,
there was only each other.
and sometimes i feel its best that way.
having no one but each other,
you jus have to work together,
and its in such situations that you get to see the true side of people.
with facades having been stripped down by the cold,
the wind, rain, pain, exhaustion,
impressions change,
and mine did, and of many people.
and of myself, for i discovered that i could be really worried,
worried for people i didn't even know.
yes, i have been worried before,
but never for a general group of people,
such as i was at fuji.
and it did scare me in some ways.
but it helped me know myself better.
and the climb also proved to me that
i tend to underestimate the degree of many challenges.
even the act of helping people,
i never realised how difficult it was.

and honestly the climb was the real highlight of the trip for me.
and after the second night,
sitting in mr ng's room and listening to everyone give their views,
i also managed to learn abit mroe about certain people,
but i shant elaborate, less this turns into a bitchin session.

and so that was kawaguchi, aka fishy smell room.

when we left for tokyo i had pretty high hopes,
of shopping, neoprints, shibuya, disneyland etc.
and well, i don noe if my expectations were met.
yes, it was loads of fun, but i wasn't totally sastisfied.
disneyland was a real expensive letdown,
but other than that things in the day went pretty well.
there was lots of shoppin (yip!),
and i finally found my ff scores (yip!x2),
and basically window shopping,
which was really scary.
what with 5 storey burberrys, bvlgaris, etc.
like free.
and things in japan are super expensive,
but thats what you pay for more range and latest items.
and we missed quite abit of things overall, but nvm.
shibuya was really interesting, in that alot of things s'pore don haf one,
and also there are alot of offers,
like 4.50 shoes and 1500 yen mujis!!!
wa lau its lyk super missed out lor.
and i bought a big totoro, which is super cute.
and me, aaron and pea all bought the fish vibrator,
which is super cute.
lol.

so aniwae the tokyo part of the trip was quite fruitless,
in that we didnt really learn anything,
except maybe how to shop quicker.
but thats the days.
what imacted me the most, after fuji,
were the things that happened at night.
i wont go into details,
but basically many things happened,
things quite unexpected really.
and some were good, others bad,
and here i try to be no judge,
but its hard.
question marks are everywhere,
and yet some deal with it, others magnify it.
and to those whom dealt with it,
thanks, for i've greatly benefitted from it too.
to those who are just running away,
pls stop. less no one can make you.

there was alot of talking involved in this trip,
alot i mean alot.
every night in our rooms,
sometimes in others,
on the bus, in restaurants,
just talking.
talking about the class,
the people, the others,
trying to clear out some of my thoughts,
our thoughts.
and i am still quite confused about several things.
how to make it better, when some jus don wan to?
proving time and again they jus cant,
cant move on like we all should.
but hope can just bring us so far,
but farther it will take the work,
of who? maybe me, maybe you.
really. it was truly meaningful.
all the nights just lying in bed,
thinking, reflecting,
wondering about how we could be.

sigh.

now its over, back in s'pore.
back to the world i had 1 week of reprive.
have to listen to the same old words.
listening, but not hearing.
cos i know whats there.
on and on it goes,
and i dont know how long i'll take it anymore.
its getting too impossibily hard.
better it be over.

SWS. we rulz.