monkey in the wrench

and i guess, suddenly it seems so different, yet familiar all the same.

my life is one big fat goddamn irony.

the funny thing is, i dont think anyone is living in denial any more so than myself. i dunno but it seems everything i do, after i think about it, it never is the same. theres always something more, or something less. something i meant, something i didnt.

i realise i like talking in circles.

in a way, it sort of has a demented, sick way of all working out somehow. i mean, at that point in time i dont think we see it, but looking back, everything seems to fall in place. somehow. and i suppose, i'm just waiting, hoping, that it'll be that way.

yet sometimes, the best aint quite good enough.

hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

i guess there will come a time

its the absolute stupidity of it all

i realise, if just once, i could follow everything that i tell others, if i could take my own advice, if i could do everything i say i want to, i'd be good. in a strange, funky good sorta way. you think?

if i could just run away

in a way, its worse like that.
i knew it was going to be like that,
and i suppose i thought i'd be mentally prepared for it again,
and yet it is still overwhelming me,
like it has before,
and i guess it always will.

i suppose its meant to be,
a test maybe?
and i suppose there is always more than one side of things.
in a sense, it oculd be a test of our own character,
a way of challenging oneself,
to push one's own limits.
and i think its when we really find out about ourselves.
we then know jus how far we are willing to go,
just how much we're willing to risk,
just for that one chance.

just for that one chance.

what do i fear the most?

i guess because its so damn simple, its so insanely difficult.

wa lau *#!%#&%

fucking hell. i never thought it'd be this damn tiring, and i guess i've been proven wrong. the past few weeks i've just been so damn exhausted whenever i get home. its like, come home, eat, bathe, on comp, play guitar (recently), stone, flutter in and out of consciousness, sleep. knn. i've got no energy to do anything at all.

argh. and i still cant believe i spent 20hrs of my wkend in sch. which means i spent 5/12 of my wkend in sch. wtf.

ARGH.

i need time to think. i need time alone. i need time to work myself out. i need time to figure things out. i need time to compose myself. i need time to evaluate myself. I FUCKING NEED TIME.

ugh

i've totally forgotten what i wanted to blog about. damn.

oh yea i rmb now. i never ever thought i'd ever have to say "i'll be in sch from 7-6 on sunday" EVER. but wtf i am saying it now. its kinda crazy, its kinda freaky, kinda scary, but its real. liek omg.

and the magic word is: jaded.

i'm walking on, walking on

it was a crappy feeling.
but i guess we all gotta deal.
hard times, they fall on us when we least expect it,
and yet, i think in some way we all need to mentally prepare ourselves,
for the worse.
i want to all move on.

if you'd just hold on

first of all, PEOPLE whoever you are who may possibly read this, DONT add me on friendster. i will not accept any more friends. hell i'm never going to friendster ever again. or any other networking shit. if u want to talk to me, msn works. i mean, i think its FUCKING stupid for people to add me on friendster even though i dont really know them (more so for my account before it got wiped out). i mean, its just plain fucking reatarded. its like, "OMGZZZ I GOT LIKE SHHO MANY FRENZZ WORHXZZ". go and die, lah.

anyway, moving on.

i'm not fated with fate. seriously. i've always been delt a crappy hand, no matter where i go, even if this feels like a path to escape, it never is. cos when the path opens up into the concrete wasteland, the same phantoms come back to haunt me. different forms, different shapes, but its all the same. and i think somehow, i know i'm going to end up with people i dont want, people i detest or will detest. after all, its always been that case, ever since i was young. and why would that change? could i be that naive?

i dont want you.
i hate you.
i absolutely detest you with every bit of my heart.
but i'm too nice to hurt you.
i'm too kind to want to break you.
i'm too weak to watch you suffer.
so you just go on like you do,
while i stand back, laugh, mock, weep, cringe,
clench my fist and stab away at thin air,
just for you.

maybe just for once

the truth is, i'm afraid.

to happy or not to happy?

the truth is,
i cant tell you the truth.
why?
because i even convince myself its true.
how then am i supposed to be able to tell you?
you can ask me all you want,
but the truth is,
i'm not hiding anything.
i'm just hiding from myself.
dont you see?
theres nothing to tell. at all.

haha. its all just so screwed up isnt it? i mean, i know i can, if i really try, but i doubt anyone will ever see it. i doubt anyone can accept me for anything other then who i am. this mould, this role, i've created for myself, and now its coming back to haunt me like it always has. i dont like it this way, but at least i feel safe. at least in some ways i can deal. lie and lie over and over again, until it becomes my truth. until it becomes the truth.

you know, its not that i dont want it.
its just, i'm not sure i can.
i'm not sure i can be anything other then who i am.
i'm afraid of judgement,
i'm afraid of rejection.

hur. i never thought char's script would be this...apt.

and in a sense its true.
i really cant help feeling this is all that i have.
this is all that will ever be.
i mean, no one really cares do they?
i think too much, i do too little.
its my way of torturing myself.
yet i od it all the same.
i guess sometimes i feel that i just dont have any other alternatives.

"i want to make sure that i do everything just right, because i dont want to look back and regret not having been more careful, or not having made a big enough effort. i just want to be happy."

i'm living on cliches.
so much so my life has turned into one.

me me me, its all about me

i'm not sure why, but i think i hate friendster. theres something so reatarded about it imo. i mean, what's the point of being connected to like a million people, and all they do is view pics of you cam whoring, read your profile for like the 7-millionth time, and write testimonials like "omgggg i lubb u worzzz xoxoxoxo". its all kinda lame. i just dont get it. really, i BEG someone to just come enlighten me on the point of friendster.

someone to make me happy, someone to make me care.

absolutely totally

huimin deserves to die. she wants to hit me with a gun, she "cant wait to inflict bodily harm on [me]", and she like hasnt eaten 7/8 of the food in this world. she hates pineapple tarts. and i dunno wad else. grr humin die!

lets make the best time of our lives

i'm rediscovering my love for the calling.

and i am pissed with myself. very very much. yesterday's rehearsal was amazingly bad. i'm not sure what was wrong, but it just felt totally fucked up. i think one reason could be that the last wk has been so intensive, with tsd and all, that i havent really looked at the script much. sigh.

sorry char.

sleeping on deadvines

i am fucking tired.

lifes been so messy, so hectic, so crazy, i think it might possibly be getting to me.

and maybe, just maybe...

this and that, he, she, dont we all? i guess we will always say a little prayer.

to the stars we look, hoping to find a way out...

might i crack under the stress?

to fall, and then to rise again through the dust and metal sheets...

and lose it all.

when it all means something

i'm terrible with words.

i think the best way to describe it all is that life's left me, jaded. i think it all really started to get real bad since ip. i mean of course some part of it can be put down to puberty and what not, but really, the things that have transpired, its left me the way i am. and i suppose the thing about it all is that our character, our personality, its shaped by all these. it just so happens i've been so jaded. in some way i've been jealous, forever longing for things i cannot have, and its caused me to become so skeptical and wary of things. and on the other hand, i guess i've also been through stuff, experiences, that has changed me. and the funny thing is, i suppose both having stuff and not having stuff has led me to become who i am today.

not that anyone knows.
not that it matters.

coffee

there are so many things i want.
so many things i cannot have.
i guess its a lesson i'm learning to deal with.

do i have a choice?

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
its so fucking fake,
so terribly pretentious.
all of it. and its horrible.
the worst part is,
i'm fully aware of it happening.
and yet, i'm not sure i could deal with it in any other way.
everything's so fragile,
so weak, so many ifs. its fucking scary to think that,
someday, we're all going to be the same.
we're all going to go around fucking things up,
meddling in things that dont matter,
its all hopelessly stupid.
and yet,
i doubt anyone could accept it in any other way.

seeking a correlation in life

sigh. this is so screwed up.
my life is a circular, cyclical mess.
and i think in a way its stopping me from moving on.
i might come to hate myself for this.
who's to say?

its scary, yet stupid, yet simple, yet irritating.
i mean, being me is so screwed up.

i dont think i've ever dealt with myself like that before.
dwelving into my fears,
trying to understand them,
to see how they affect the way i live.
and it does scare me.
i guess there are alot of things i'm afraid off.
is being afraid a natural human instinct?
do we then instinctively shut ourselves away?
i dont think i've ever taken my self apart,
broken my self down and put it all back together,
the way i have recently done.

i guess alot of everything that is,
its not really a matter of me believing in them.
its just i guess i've never experienced it,
or that i've had horrible experiences with it,
and it just makes me cynical.
and full of doubt.
it makes me judgemental.
and whilst its something i have come to live with,
i'm not sure how much longer i can survive this way.
if it carries on the way it is,
i'm not going to have very much left anymore.

i suppose there are many things i want.
many things i cannot have.
somehow i think who i am,
and who i think i am,
i think they are possibly very different people.

its stupid how i can keep asking questions,
questions i'm not sure i can answer,
i'm not sure i can find the answers.
all these questioning, doubting,
it affects the way i deal with things.
i judge things.
i dont think i exactly love to do it or what,
its just its become to natural, so
instinctive.
and it hurts.

i realise its all very self-sustaining.
everything seems to have a way of coming back to itself.
my life is a circular argument with no beginning or end.
and i dont know.
could i live without all these thoughts,
all these worries, all these issues?
why do i even bother?
i think its a way of seeking comfort.
i drown myself with my own thoughts,
so in a way i dont have to think.
i suppose i think about all these circular,
resolution-less stuff,
just so i can distract myself from the things that truly matter.
and just for that moment there,
i thought finally, maybe this could change it all.
but i suppose no, i was wrong.
life goes on.

i am not afraid to keep on living

optimism is sometimes so scary.
it makes me wonder if there are people out there who really believe.
people who really have reasons, things to be happy about.
and i'm jealous.

i guess, in a sense i think i'm ready to deal. i'm just not sure i can.

walk down this lonely path

its a feeling i cant seem to shake

i am convinced theres something out there,
something we dont quite understand.
something that makes the impossible happen,
something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.
have you ever wondered,
why sometimes reality seems so artificial,
sometimes the artificial seems so real,
so much so you cant decide any more.
your head's spinning out of control,
and you dont know where to go.
and of course,
no one's ever there to save you.

its quite funny. it never seemed to be like that, but i suppose deep down it was. i think for very long i was never really ready to accep that, never really ready to deal with it. and now i dont have much of a choice do i?

why you why me

the tightenin of my chest.
the constant urge to eat.
the lack of any hunger.
the urge to punch something.
the need to just distract myself,
so i dont have to think.

trechcoat over my head.

life is pervertic. seriously. life seriously just LOVES to come fuck with me when i'm feeling crappy. i never thought gold 90 could get me depressed, but again i was wrong. i cant believe it. the stupid radio can play 3 horribly cheesy corny crappy songs in succession, and everytime i'd just groan and try to shut it out. and today? it made me feel even worse. grrr. fuck you life.

why??

i dont think i've ever felt this useless before.

cringing the way i am

i hate it, living in this limbo i am in. its neither here not there, everywhere, yet nowhere. its sucks to be so unsure. to realise that maybe, just maybe, everything i've ever believed in may not be true after all.

and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.

the brutality of honesty

today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.

(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.

i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.

theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?

tomorrow

theres something econs lectures. i dunno. its a condusive thinking environment i guess. i came out with 2 script ideas. haha.

i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

heh

happy 17th huh.

to be.

yes i have realised just how little time i have to think these days. everythings so fast, constantly moving ahead, moving forward, no one really takes time out to consider the past. and i guess i dont want to be caught up in that never ending forward pursuit, without looking back. it becomes a chore. i want to be able to sit down, all by myself, and just think. about everything, anything. to strip away all the superficiality, all the facades, all the borrowed clothing, all the painted masks, strip it all away, and deal with everything that's left. i guess the scary thought would be that maybe theres nothing left. maybe its all that i really ever have.

i am very disturbed by deja vus.

wishing for things i never had

i guess with each passing day, i'm realising how absurd life really is. beneath the lies we tell ourselves, there lies something that resembles something of a truth. but who really cares? we're all so happy just the way it is.

this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.

i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.

i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

shole

sigh. i am tired. very very tired. schools sucking up all my life's energy. theres just something about the fricking lts. (char: yea i tink ure rite about ure whole conspiracy thing). grrr.

school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)

i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating

all these things that i've done

you know, all these doing and not thinking is doing me a hell lot of good. nowadays, i'm so damn fucking busy i hardly have time to think anymore. and i guess its not a bad thing. i mean, i'm just too tired everyday. come home, i realise i dont have much energy to do anything. but it might be a good thing, cos then i wont be constantly brooding and thinking about all the what-ifs and all that shit. not like last yr. and in some sense, its actually liberating.