its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.

yet another rubiks cube for the collection

the beauty of it all is, sometimes, it really is that simple. i wonder if they'll ever know, if they'll ever understand. you know, everyone may say it is complicated, but no matter how many layers we put on, no matter how much we hide, deep down inside its all quite the same. i think we all want the same thing, its just that we are too afraid of wanting the same thing as other people.

of course, the reality of the situation is that fairy tales never do come true. does that stop people ni believing in them? of course not! fairy tales give people hope, and no matter how far-fetched they may be, there is that single underlying utopian quality that binds them all together. honestly, i think its so much easier to write grim stories. because if you think about it, life can really be that horrible. one could argue those stories reveal the truth about life, the horror of humanity, and the fact that we humans can and will be inherently evil. fairy tales want us to think that beyond the evil and horror, deep down inside we are, just barely, a little good. everyone loves a bad guy, but everyone loves a bad guy come good even more. and somehow, that must be what we all are chasing. a chance at redemption.

within all that rubbish, there must be some meaning in it.

the year is coming to an end. can u believe it?? the year (for a moment i typed world) is freaking coming to an end!!

omg.

i dont know if i'll have time to reflect. there's so many things to do. and yet i want to reflect. i need to, i really do.

there's so much to cover, so much to remember.

its amazing how much difference a year makes. it seemed like just yesterday when we first walked in, and now today we stand so tall. what a load of crap.

i think i've forgotten, because i'm struggling to recall.

what i need is more time. everyone needs more time. its ridiculous. time is endless and infinite, yes it refuses to give people more. thats just selfish you know. whoever created this system obviously ruled a totalitarian regime.

democracy is the future, insanity is the now.

the truth might just be fading away. does it scare me? yes, of course it does. its fucking freaking me out. the feeling of helplessness and being loss, its strange. and extremely discomforting.

no one's reading the clues of your fairytale end.

do i know what i'm doing? of course not. will i regret what i am doing? of course. do i understand the consequences of my actions? of course not. so what then, am i doing? and more importantly, why??

keep a lid on the face of time.

at some point, something really is going to have to give. no way can this silence last forever, nor should we ever let it.

pull them aside, speak to their minds.

to put it very simply, the task at hand is one of epic proportions. why? because it the highly complex mechanically enhanced manufacturing and reconstructing process. several key precautions must be followed, to ensure the quality of the eventual product will not be terminally compromised. its frighteningly simple and implicit to give instructions. its how you make people listen to them that really counts.

all this shit, just to hide the fact that i am weak.

the scary part about blogs is, one, you never know who is reading. and two, you never know who actually understands. i dont like that. i really dont. its like, ripping someone's lungs from their body, yet leaving his stomach behind. it just isnt right isit?

i've got some tips about cycling in the rain at night.

first and foremost, DONT DO IT RETARD.

however, if u are so suay as to be caught in the rain while cycling and need to get home urgently, or you're as stupid as me, here are some useful (i think) tips:

- focus. that is the most importantly thing of all. i mean, on a normal day i can get by with maybe 60-80% concentration, but cycling in the rain needs 110%. beside the fact that your vision is obscured cos of the rain, (made worse if ure a four-eyed hero like me), there is also all the puddles, the curbs and everything. there is also the fact that water getting into your eyes might mean you have to blink hard or rub your eyes. and oh yes, THE TRAFFIC. focus man, just that little break in concentration could be tragic.

- screw the puddles. i mean, you're already wet, and will stay that way. forget about the puddles.

- keep a steady pace. i find that its best to find a comfortable pace, den push it a little. so that you have good momentum, and at the same time you dont burn yourself out. and remember, the faster you reach your destination, the faster you are out of the run. but but never cycle top speed. its just too dangerous, duh.

- trust your instincts. i dunno, i trusted mine.

- stay off the sidewalk. yes, cycle on the road. why? firstly, its better lit. secondly, sidewalks are definitely more dangerous, especially if you have to keep going up and down. i mean, its just pushing the risk factor up. and road provides much better traction than sidewalks. and you dont want to risk running into people.

- open your eyes as big as possible. seriously, look out for everything. especially check behind you, and when crossing junctions, look beside you too. and strain to look ahead.

- use your brakes. break when turning, break when going downhill, and break early. accelerating into a corner, while fun and much faster, is just damn freaking dangerous. use your breaks, even if you dont like to. (like me)

siao.

you know, there is something incredibly wonderful about being out there in the rain. its liberating, feeling the rain rush down on you. it allows you to just for that moment, forget everything, any worries, problems, everything. its just you, and the wrath of mother nature, to fight the battle of eternity.

i've got a reasoning.

i suppose, the way out is not that hard. its just a matter of not letting yourself give in to the boredom. really, sleep sometimes is the best medicine. i mean, so often its so easy to start brooding, to start digging through old memories, all the past records. it is so easy. sometimes, it really too easy.

we all need distractions. i think for some people its easy, for some it isnt.

well, sometimes, this is all we have. maybe, its all that we need.

i realise, i've remained in this kind of mood for quite awhile now. its, well, not extreme, i suppose its the only way to describe it. its been a topsy turvy year, but this hols has been surprisingly alright. fuck i am damn hungry. i think i'm changing. hopefully thats a good thing. everyone needs to change sometime or another. oh well, we all have to just hope it aint too late.
Conforming on a monday
Too often and too cold
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natural disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

Like a broken damn you're empty
And all that's left are the sticks and stones
That were built by other people
And it really shows
But you aren't even listening
Because you are just

Too old to feel an earthquake
Or too cool to even care
But you aren't even listening
So why should I?

You are
A natuaral disaster
And I've wanted you too much
And now I'm gonna lose
I've wanted you too much
And now I've gotta choose

You're the cause of all this
And I'm sick of trying to please you
And you're gonna feel my emotions coming
Because you're the world

now THAT my friend, is proper education.

technology is being a fecking bitch.

and i've got no patience.

i shall kop from char. thanks char :D (why. oh no reason. just because)

SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. MUSE CDS :D (real ones)
2. uh, my laptop. duh :D
3. my hp
4. my floorball stick/ball
5. guitars + amp
6. uh, ironing board >.>
7. bob (argh char i wanna go oso >.> maybe my dad will take me)

SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? who doesnt?
2. Does someone like you? hur, you say leh.
3. Last kiss? in my memory.
4. Been lead on? its hard to say. led on by others? not sure. by myself? so many times.
5. Been cheated on? nah.
6. Want a relationship? we all believe in fairytales, dont we?
7. Wanna get married? it would be nice. (along with nice fireworks and parachutes)

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. my laptop.
2. "The bands that make my world a better place" - Muse
3. guitar.
4. water. alot alot of water. and milk. and honey stars.
5. my ipod.
6. piracy.
7. pen and paper. its a beautiful thing.

SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. muse songs, doot doot doot. "you know i dont love you, i never diddddd"
2. jam jam jam!
3. pain.
4. now, the plug in baby riff. woooh.
5. gt-8
6. its hot. or rather, not cold, considering my air con is on -.-
7. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i'm agnostic.
2. Had a dream come true? if my dreams came true, this world will be a VERY VERY VERY strange place.
3. Read the newspaper? everyday. sports section, life section.
4. Get enough sleep everyday? you can never have enough sleep.
5. Have a best friend? hmmm. not exactly, no.
6. Take a bath daily? who doesnt? (ok dont tell me. bo bice lol)
7. Wish on stars? everyday, everyday.

SEVEN HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Fallen in love? i dont think so, not quite. (but maybe, you know)
2. Kissed someone of the same sex? nope.
3. Hooked up with someone who had a gf/bf? of course not.
4. Been to a Bonfire? bonfire specifically? i've done campfires.
5. Ran away from home? sadly not. not that i havent thought about it. and i was on my way out once, only i got stopped. bleargh.
6. Played strip poker? yep.
7. Pulled an all nighter? often.

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? nah.
2. Had fun? not terribly.
3. Been kissed? by a ghost maybe.
4. Felt stupid? nothing new is it.
5. Talked to an ex? nope.
6. Missed someone? all the time.
7. Listened to music? in the past 24 hours, i have listened to approximately 6-7 hours of muse. hip hip hooray.

LMAO. ah lians are sooooo funny. god.

ok the stupid side of me has had enough laughs. now time to think. doh >.>

i think it says quite alot that only a society like singapore's can breed this wonderful race called ah lians (and well, ah bengs). the japs are different, because well, japanese IS a cute language, they HAVE cute clothes, and they talk normally. (albeit in jap). hokkien/chinese/"english"/whatever other random dialect is NOT cute. the clothes they wear are NOT cute. and they CANT talk normally! i mean, uraqt = you are cute. what the fuck. shu wen jus brought up a very good point, how do they rmb all these um, "accronyms" and spellings? its amazing!! i suppose while we normal people are slugging away at econs or math or what not, they are memorising their lian dictionary and practising vocab, eh? ok this is getting a bit flamy.

well my point was, and is, that only a society like singapore's can cultivate such a culture. we've all heard time and time again about out cultural diversity, and how we embrace people from around the world. in this case, that is a problem. its all this mishmash of rubbish that brings about the wonders of the lian. and people in singapore, i suppose another problem is that there isnt an identity, you know. like, english are english, they've got their football and their tea. japanese are japanese, they've got their gadgets and kawaii. singaporeans, are? we've got what? i suppose because of that these people feel the need to proclaim who they are. and so, all the pink, all the piercings, wahoo a lian. and ironically, they also want to be different you know, they are special and unique worhx. so they start inventing words. you -> u -> uu -> uu/~ -> eu!~ -> yew -> yeeuuuww. wad the heck. i swear ahlianism should be classified as a social phenomenon.

its just amazing. i am amazed by them, really.

hell, maybe i'll do my ki i/s on ah lians. now THAT'll be fun.

wOrHxXxss!!*~*~

gothic music can be surprisingly soothing

i swear, it felt like something. i dont want to admit it, but i think i will. its affecting me bad, i think. and any way i look at it, no matter how i try to twist all of it, it always comes back to the same thing.

quite how much, its always a problem you know. its hard to quantify such things, and in some ways, i dont think i should. well, doesnt mean i dont. i keep trying to quantify things, everything. everything must mean something, and when they do, i want them to mean nothing. but they do.

sigh.

what can i say that hasnt already been said?

its so messy, so complicated, when all i really want to say is so simple.

hello, again.

4:47 - instant nirvana

its easy to drown out all your fears and misery.

gosh, what am i doing??
its 3 wks to 2008, and i've done nothing.
this is just pathetic.

i honestly believe that the only jobs teenagers should be allowed to do are service jobs. ie sales, customer service, waiter etc.

why? because i think its the only kind of job that will benefit people our age. i mean, we all want to work, most of us for the money, but lets look at it logically. working for money should only be a serious consideration when we are looking at being self-sustainable. while that might be true for some people our age, the vast majority of teenagers can afford not to have a job. so, i think the real value in jobs is the learning experience. as corny and cliche as it sounds, i really think its true.

and why service? because we can learn to appreciate things we normally take for granted. its so easy to walk into a restaurant and expect the waiter to serve food, drinks etc. better still functions, where waiters have to clear plates, top up drinks, ask you what you want, serve food etc. i dont think many people will realise how much work is involved. after working just 2 days, i can honestly say i appreciate the work they do. its the same with sales, you learn how to deal with people. you learn communication skills.

i think most importantly, we are able to have a diff perspective. and i mean just for once, we get to understand what its like to be behind the counter, instead of being in front of it all the time. i mean, forget about the money. its important, but not that important. i believe the learning, and the experience, is more important. as such, i dont think students should be allowed like, desk jobs or what. there's nothing to learn. mundane work will only dull the mind and the body. everyone should go out there and experience the whole, and understand the life outside our teenage life, outside the itunes and the youtubes and the facebooks and the movies and the shopppings and all.

really, i think that's important.

this fucking headache is killing me.

sigh (:

its fucking stupid. i mean, lets face it, what's the point? no one's going to be much happier after it, waste money, waste everyone's time, just makes everyone more pissed off with each other. its fucking stupid. i mean, i'm sure we've all got better things to do than pretend we enjoy each other's company while walking through some ancient temple pretending to be totally in awe when all we really want to do is to be back at home.

FACE IT, ITS FUCKING STUPID.

fuck lah, wake up only so much frustration.

beginner's luck seems to make sense. after watching the show my brilliant brain, i had an idea. or a muse, of sorts. while many pass off the notion of beginner's luck as being just that, luck, i actually think there's a quite reasonable explanation as to how its more than just luck.

if we take the example in the show about chess masters (and grandmasters), their mastery of the game stems from their ability to recognise moves before they happen, and hence act accordingly. a chess pro is able to predict his or her opponents moves, and according to the show, this is done by matching what they see on the board with their bank of chess memories, and hence determine (instinctively) what to do.

now, how does this relate to beginner's luck? if we look at games, lets say strategic games like chess or checkers or what not, the pro is separated from the rest by his ability to predict his opponents moves. for arguments sake lets assume everyone is male. i mean, it appears that the very best dont actually have to think about their moves, it becomes instinctive after awhile. so, when beginner's somehow upset better players, is it just luck? i dont think so. i think what happens is that beginners, due to their inferior abilities, introduce the factor of uncertainty, and in certain cases, possibly randomness. and what this does is that it probably disrupts the better players ability to predict his opponents next move. when good players play great players, great players will triumph because good players will sorta know what to do, and the great players know they know what to do. but i suppose beginners just mess things up. so, is it really luck then?

what about games like sports? dont better players just have better ability, which discounts the notion of predictability? again, i think the same concept probably applies, although maybe differently. tennis is an example that comes to mind. when good players play, they kinda know what to expect from their opponents. topspin, slices, kick services, its all in the book. and the pros will know how to deal with it. but what happens when u put a total novice to play a pro? many people (me included possibly) will say that the pro will surely have the ability to deal with wadeva the other guy throws at him. but again i think the unpredictability of the situation matters. maybe not individual points, but perhaps disrupting the rhythm of the game as a whole.
the problem here is that, it seems like anyone can have this beginner's luck, right? i mean, all we need to do is to do things a little randomly. but i dont think this is the case. i mean, there is randomness, and there is planned randomness. (well of course there is always the argument that nothing is actually truly random, because it would have to stretch on to infinity, but lets not go there) my point is, i dont think its actually possible for a good player to effectively exhibit novice behaviour. certain habits and preferences and traits will show through.

i realise that the notion of beginner's luck appear to apply solely to individual games/contests. in teams, i suppose there are too many variables to consider, for the effect of unpredictability to be felt.

so yes, there is no such thing as beginner's luck. not really.

( i realise, all the above is prob bullshit concocted to try justify faring worst than people seemingly weaker or lousier than i am. ah well, i'm pissed hurting)

the thing about christmases, its a great time to think. i mean, its the end of the year, soon to be the start of a new one. i never reaaaaly enjoyed christmas. i mean, yes of course i like christmas, i mean got present who dont like, but i've hardly ever enjoyed it. ok so maybe as a kid i did, but i'm losing that kid part in a way. sometimes, its just so contrived you know.

sigh aiya i think if i stop thinking about these kinds of rubbish i'll be a happier person. i really want to be happier. its nice, being happy.

really, it prob is.

pain is good.

pain is a reminder that you can still feel.

i want to pick up meditation.