signpost doctor

i'm not needing some place to go. i'm needing some place to stay.

after all, i cannot be wandering all my life, street after streets, because all streets do end somewhere. i've got to find the main road, and i've got to find it fast. before i get lost.

i need sleep and tons of weep

honestly guess work sucks. you never know where you're going, you dont even know whether you're even getting anywhere. and what is really bewildering is that people do that all the time. i do that all the time! why oh why?? if only life were as simple as math, where the probability of me doing something is but a fixed ratio to something else. i mean, at least then i have choices. but no, life aint so easy is it? so many variables, changing all the time, i really wonder how anyone can figure things out. i do all i can, and i'm nowhere.

yes it does hurt.

its not like writing a book. in writing a book, you can plan the end, and then slowly work out how you're gonna get there. at the rate things are going, i am going to be trapped in a pit hole of misspelled words and misery. and there is no way out. or rather, there is, but i'm not sure how i will get there. and maybe, jus maybe, i'll be just a little too late, and it'll be over.

forever?

disconcerting silence

i know, i know.

who never wished that the world were a better place? who never wished they could change the world? i've always believed that someday, somehow, i will change the world. everyone needs a lofty unachievable goal.

and mine, is to make you understand.

augusts

complications complicate.

its like a spider web, suddenly everything's inter-related, suddenly everything's messed up in each other. and i cant control it anymore. its spiralling out of control with every little action, every missed word, every lost touch.

what a difference a night makes.

i. cant. thing. right. now. pain. pain. pain.

ice ice baby!

i have concluded that i have a thing for Em.

a praise chorus

essentially, i've forgotten.

laimeeyomey?

i think i know why i dont regret stuff. its cos i think about them too much, often before i even do it. ok i am determined, i shall do more things i will end up regretting from now on. usually difference is what matters.

and counting

i have problems. i wish i had problem. then i would be able to find answer. instead of having to find answers. because it is damn tiring, having to find answers all the time.

stoke the ego, place it on the fire.
let it burn, melt it down,
and forge it into an everlasting crown.

i want a theory of everything. that is what is making my life so damn miserable. i have to stop ki-ing my own life. cos i dont think its getting my anywhere. i keep searching for something more, so much so i'm not sure i can appreciate the here and now.

wonderful. i am in a depressed kind of mood. with 31 hrs to do my crit com. crotch com lah.

tell me

i cant do it alone.

rahh.

i need to change. i really really need to. i need to make myself just do things, and not think about stuff so much. i've come to realise, there is no need to intellectualise everything, there is no need to make everything make sense. sometimes, i suppose its actually better if things dont make sense, and to just do. sometimes my thoughts scare me. maybe thats how nightmares come about.

i am jealous, lah.

absurdity in reality

i want fireworks at my wedding. if i can afford it.

OTHER THAN THAT I NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE FIREWORKS EVER AGAIN.

singaporeans. tsk .

non-ego

you are fucking stupid.

you have a problem, and you know it. why cant you just deal with it?? you try to act all so cool, like nothing matters to you, like you dont care, but i know you do. deep down inside, you do care, dont you? and all those excuses you keep making, all you do is you keep putting things off. sooner or later, it'll come back to haunt you. why? cos you're stupid. quit pretending, cos i can see right through you. i will mock you every time i can, seeing you all alone, for i have no sympathy for you. you've brought all these upon yourself.

desmond, you deserve it.

trapped in a cardboard box

shit lah. i am gettin depressed. my stash of honey stars has run out, snow flakes just doesnt cut it. i suspect i may be making excuses for myself just like i always do. running running as fast as i can.

how hard is it to say sorry?
lets find out...

|

i detest pw so much its not funny anymore.

wth lah. its like, life life life life PW!!! life life life PW!!!! life life PW!!!! life. LIFE EFFING SUCKS. ugh hate pw. i mean, i've got nothing against my group, nothing against my topic, yadda yadda yadda, but the whole concept of pw is stupid. moronic. its like having grass on a basketball court, or playing checkers with popcorn. ITS FUCKING STUPID.

RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok objectiveness is key. i shall observe objectively the nature of pw.
assumption 1: pw promotes group work.
yes it does. it promotes group quabbling, arguments, yes it does. pw is directly contrary to human nature. humans are not meant to work together. humans are selfish creatures. the only time they can work in groups is when its voluntary, and absolutely necessary. pw flouts these 2 very basic rules of human nature. stupid, isnt it?
assumption 2: pw encourages students to look at real life situations.
of course it does. and real clever too, we slog slog slog, waste hours and hours of time stressing and working, to PLAN something, that we will never carry out! clever isnt it! so in real life when we go out there to work, we'll just keep planning events, we'll keep on slogging our lives away, so as to come up with a plan we wont carry out! great!

ugh. objectiveness is a lie. i wan my soccer. i hate pw. i want my honey stars. pw can go and fucking die.

lie lie to my american pie

hm ok. hm ok. hm ok.

i suspect theres something interesting and philosophical and complex about multiple repetitions. things in 3s must have some meaning. like why die die die instead of die? or shit shit shit instead of shit?

honestly, there are alot of things i dont get. i should jot down some of my stuff so i dont forget:
- uhh, something about society and something. OH YES! tv, drama, reality tv etc. our perception and understanding of society etc necessarily shaped by images of society we associate with. with tv taking a greater control of alot of our lives, are we losing touch with what society 'really' is? or is society evolving towards the one(s) seen on tv? (i need to think)
- um, there was something about dream analysis yes?
- is the choice of making a choice the most basic, fundamental choice of all?
- dealing with the self before dealing with others (hey if summer can do it, so can i OKAY.)
- national day. importance, absurdity, necessity -> basics of forging a nation and keeping it together -> submitting of will to a greater power -> reinforcement of ideals as a form creating/instilling knowledge

:| is cute

OH JOY!

down with the sickness

the important thing about identity is that it breeds a sense of belonging. to a place, to an ideal, to someone etc. and thats why having a clearly defined identity is important. it instantly sets down various parameters on how you should act, the things you say, even the way you think. and with that identity, it is akin to an entry pass to particular social circles.

and honestly, while i believe the concept of a 'new' identity is plausible, i dont think it is very feasible. i mean, identity is all about what people associate you with. and if you adopt an identity that people cannot associate with, that becomes a problem doesnt it? how do you even clearly define this new identity of yours? 'new' identities seem to be more relevant in the long run, so i suppose maybe we're looking for pioneers.

my point is, often i feel lost in who i am.

lessons to learn, lies to spill

i must learn how to act is a more smart, clever, logical, decent way.

heoheoheoheoheo

honestly, like honestly honestly, i think i am on the path towards madness. or maybe not madness, just some mental condition of some sort. chances are its gonna be schizophrenia. and the funny part is i'm not sure it really scares me much. i mean there must be some way to prescribe it rite. weird hardly covers it. weird is a stupid word. weird should be put in the Official Stupid Words Dictionary, along with words such as meaning and lame and stupid and smart etc. stupid words indeed. fuck stupid words they should all die. really, who needs stupid words? ok maybe stupid people need stupid words. fine i shall be a sensitive twit. there is evidently a use for stupid words.

i know this feeling. hwachong -.- actually i dont. is it freaking me out? no. maybe thats the screwed up part. i must be feeling something, but strangely i dont. i know what i'm thinking, but i'm not sure if thats what i want to be thinking about it. how? i mean, the world has enough benjis and joes at the damn moment. annoying shits.

my point just now was that i'm losing the plot. then again, i suppose i always do. but no seriously, somethings not right. if u havent noticed, good for you! :) whats the point lah, in the end its going to end up in some stupid endless struggle with the self. so stupidly moronic. necessary? it seems all the necessary things in life are stupid and moronic and partly pointless.

i need a funky cool way of ending this post. lemme think.

bah black bah sheep.

nuggets

i have a question.

can a person change who he or she is? i mean, how much of a person's personality, how much of his or her character, just how much is ingrained deeply into a person, such that nothing can change that? i think everyone should have to answer that question. and what if those, i dunno, core values, what if those clash? its like biting into a chicken nugget and realising its peanut inside, which just happened to me. does that mean that i will forever be stuck with all these internal conflict? will the peanut and the chicken never go away? i'd like to think that its like those weird math things, where one zero is more domineering than the other zero. i mean, its more comforting to know that even in things that are beyond our control, we can still exercise some very little form of control over it. wait that statement is flawed. we are not technically exercising any conscious control over it, rather its just that these core values have their own way of dealing with each other. so do we then just leave them to sort themselves out? how long can a person wait, before it is too late?

i am hungry. i need another nugget. well, 'nugget'.