Dark and Darker

Dark and Darker

dark: dont be foolish. 

darker: foolish? i dont have time to be foolish. i've spent all this time waiting, and you're telling me i'm foolish?

dark: it's going to happen someday. we all grow up. 

darker: grow up. hmph. 

dark: and what do you want? to fall in love like in all your dreams? 

darker: at least i have dreams. you are nothing but a cynical aimless wanderer. 

dark: who isnt miserable, if you havent noticed. 

silence. 

darker: go back to your damn hole. 

silence. there is no hole. 

dark: you are an idiot. you dont even know who you are. 

darker: and who does? you? give me a break. you're nothing more than me, and nothing less. 

dark: nothing is never nothing. 

silence. 

dark: i'm come to the conclusion that you are crazy. crazy crazy crazy. 

darker: crazy to a t. 

dark: its been too long. and yet you put yourself through all of it. who does that?

darker: hm, certainly darker than you. 

dark: you will have none of my sympathy. SCUM. 

darker: good. now leave me alone. 

dark: no. 

silence. 

darker: i refuse to carry on. 

they leave. 

Oh Dear

things have been different recently. i've spent more time worrying about my life than life in general. i dont know if that's a good or bad thing. perhaps it is neither. sometimes, it is better not to judge. taking a stand can be dangerous. 

i am tired. i've slept less than 18 hours in the past 3 days i think, which is disturbingly little considering its the holidays. i keep wondering if i am actually spending my remaining days the way i should. i mean, its not a lot of time left. yet somehow i dont really care. i am so so tired. 

gosh, its ironic how it is only now that i really understand some of the stuff i've learnt in school. i finally understand what young meant about waiting, about keeping an appointment that may never come. i can finally appreciate the beauty of the dream, and the misery of the illusion. perhaps one may never fully grasp the greatness of gatsby, but sometimes, one glimpse is more than enough. 

yes, settling for less can be a painful thing. at least be thankful you dont have to settle for nothing. 

http://funnyexamanswers.com/

WIN

Floating On

i havent slept well in at least a month. this scares me, i never used to have real trouble sleeping. but then a month ago i started having trouble sleeping. i would lie in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. now, i fall asleep, but have trouble staying asleep. i've been waking up when the sky is still dark, because of the dreams i've been having. i keep having to wake up from my dreams, but in a way i guess it spares me from the real horror that may have come had i kept on dreaming. 

hello world, i've been losing my head. cant you tell? things have NOT been ok. i NEVER emphasise words in my sentences. i think it is quite STUPID. WHAT THE HELL. as of right now i am EXTREMELY exhausted, hence i am NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. WOE BE ME. 

i hate myself. when all else fails, hate thyself. even if you dont, do so anyway. at least its not as destructive as hating someone else, and then hating yourself cos you hate someone else. HATE THY SELF. 

nah, i'm just kidding. 

i am in no condition to do anything at all. 

green plastic watering can

reason has its limits. i never thought i'd admit to it, but i will now. 

today was so tiring. i am so burnt right now, i'm amazed i'm actually still awake. a part of me cannot comprehend why i'm doing all that i am. its not rational. i shouldnt be doing all these, but i am anyway. 

ok, so i dont know what i'm doing. i'm not sure if there's any point in trying to figure out if everything is right or wrong. sometimes, i think you just gotta risk it. some things never fully make sense,  but it doesnt mean that i shouldnt make any sense at all. something's better than nothing, and even if it isnt i'll keep telling myself that. if only this wasnt so selfish, if only there was some other way. 

Hey Mr Lumberjack

MAN UP. 

The Missing

it gets harder with every passing day. 

today was pretty random. went to town, then to chinatown, then to huimin's house. ended up watching 6 episodes of oc season 4. as artificial as it may be, it's still appealing in the way they deal with very real issues, albeit in rather false ways. and kaitlin's still hot as ever. 

17 days left. there's alot i need to do i realise. prom is only a week away. wow. i didnt realise how close it is. prom better be fun. everyone else is going to be so boring, every guy is going to look generic. such a pity, i think costumes would be more fun. and besides prom, there's still lots of catching up to do. i want to play mahjong, i want to meet people i've lost touch with, i want to spend my days as occupied as possible. 

Message in a Bottle

oooh i've hit 900. 

18 more days to army. i'm a little scared, quite excited. 

at least i know. 

die lor duh

assasin

WHAT A DAY. 

damn. 

i havent had such fun in ages, i almost shock myself. everything just happened, no thinking, no pondering, no worrying, just deciding. crazy. crazy fun. yeahhhhhhhhh. 

the train was filled with freaks. i look at all of them, looking back at all of me. we are freaks, and recognised fellow strange-men. and it didnt really matter what we looked like, or what we may have been wearing. at 11pm on a weekday, everyone on the train is a weirdo. or maybe a foreigner. there was no escaping the strangeness. 

i met so many weird people today. i even met the weird side of me. weird huh. 

Crystalline Green

i'm nearing the 900 mark. 

omg, house is the best show ever. i swear, i could watch it over and over again, the script writing is amazing. 

NO MORE A LEVELS :D

OMG ITS OVER. JOYYYY. 

btw, i cant seem to remove my damn poll. i want to put a different poll. 

that is an EVIL laugh.

*evil laughter*

how many times can you freeze the same block of ice?

my greatest problem so far has been my indecision. go away, indecision. 

and its all in my head

i'm feeling very detached. as detached as i made Eman out to be. i wrote detached so many times it must have been terrifying. i somehow dont feel as connected as i think i used to be. everything kinda flows by, the slow ebbing of the wave of time. whatever that means. 

on a brighter (haha) note, i really like the remix version of mr brightside on sawdust. there's something about the trance-ish feel that really appeals to me. i really really really like it. 

more V jokes

so tsd is over. AWESOME. 

i'm feeling quite happy right now, post-paper euphoria still hasnt faded. its funny, no matter how bad a paper is, i'm always happy after the paper. i'm just so happy its over. and well it wasnt that bad, because i kinda expected it to be bad anyway. so it wasnt beyond what i expected. which isnt too bad, i guess. yep, i kinda lost myself too, dont worry about it. 

one paper left! i cant wait for lit to be over. i really really really am so excited. i mean, A levels have kinda been bleh to me so far. i havent been shocked, but i havent had a paper i could confidently say i would ace. but its ok. i can always sign on and work my way up the public service ladder. quite a high ladder mind you. quite an expensive ladder too. 

i always imagine what i would be like if i were a funny person. it must be quite fun eh, to be able to make people laugh. like the dudes on whose line, i so envy them. there's a certain sense of wild abandon that is admirable and unattainable. 

and i've concluded, since i am a rational person, i can rationalise away my fears. and i can rationalise away my anger. i'm trying, i really am. 

tears... tea... tear...

i keep on forgetting things i want to remember. 

shit shit shit shit shit

stat of the past few days:

dwight howard - 30 pts, 19 rebounds, 10 blocks, 3 assists. WTF. 

All Apologies

today was a good day turned bad. in about 2 secs. 

i mean its ridiculous. which normal person goes out of his way to make himself and everyone around him more frustrated and angry? its not normal i swear. its like, mild insanity maybe. maybe he has some neurological problem that needs treatment. because that just isnt normal. i mean, we're all going out of our way to reduce any conflict and tension, and he goes out of his way to increase tension an create conflict. 

happy family to me. 

winning is everything

effort is never an option

Outsmart

wow, survivor just got very very interesting. 

survivor in my view is conceptually one of the best reality tv shows ever. i disagree with the amazign race picking up so many awards. i mean, yes its fun to watch people run around, but i think its way more interesting to pick away at the human condition. because survivor is a social experiment. it is proof that groups never exist peacefully and coorperatively. it is testament to the selfishness of Man. after all, who doesnt want a million dollars? 

i think its very easy to lose sight of the real game in survivor. survivor isnt about surviving. it is about playing the game. it is about playing with people, manipulating situations to your needs. the one thing i really wish the producers of the show would do is to actually put a whole bunch of real smart people in one season. i mean, on the surface it may not make for entertaining tv, no bimbo, no cut-throat bitch, no nice guy, no sweet girl. but it would be way more interesting, when everyone has a strategy and everyone plays the game. i think that was missing from the first half of this season, but they're getting to it now. its about outsmarting the rest, not outsurviving the rest. survival is not for the fittest, it is for the smartest. 

and i'm on facebook

what's the big deal? 

The name's so sexy you gotta say it twice.

Madagascar 2 was awesome!!!

"Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane! "

Freedom

and i keep telling myself, its only 26 more days. i can survive till then. 

real scum get away all the time

i think its really weird that this a level period is one of the happier periods of my 2 years. the excitement and joy after each paper ends means that i'm more or less on a high all the time. maybe i'm deluding myself, but sometimes just being happy is good enough, no questions asked. 

today's toilet bowl meditation:

the real disease in america, besides the bush administration, is hollywood. it is the land of broken dreams and false pretenses. hollywood embodies everything the normal citizen will never get: lots of money, lost of hot guys/girls, lots of fame, and absolutely no hard work at all. hollywood is the real scum that gets away all the time. there are too many rich people doing too much for themselves and too little for anyone else. and even then, they dont actually "do" anything. money breeds money, and so all they have to do is have money. 

amazing fact of the day:

al horford - 27 pts 17 rebounds 6 blocks

17 rebounds and 6 blocks. WTF!

Flying Hedgehogs make me happy

wow i just wasted away my night on armorgames.com. amazing. 

run baby run

"On Sunday in Charlotte, the Raptors outrebounded their opponent for the first time this season. Andrea Bargnani is averaging 16.3 points on .731 shooting in even-numbered games and 3.0 points on .267 shooting in odd-numbered games. Chris Bosh has been terrific every night."

HAHAHA. 

econs is about 7/8 over. awesome!!! :))))

I HATE CRICKETS. 

maybe tomorrow

i'm sick of all this. i'm of having to spend every weekend listening to my dad going on about the same things over and over again. i'm sick of listening to all his bullshit. i'm sick of my mom nagging me all the time about every single damn thing. 

more than anything, i'm sick of how dysfunctional my family is. i mean, if it were really dysfunctional it wouldnt be so bad, cos at least i know and we all know we're dysfunctional. but no, we appear alright. but no one talks. every time we're in the car, when i talk to someone about something it feels weird. its like, i'm breaking the holy silence. and its messed up. when i hitch a ride with people, they always talk to their parents. there's always some small talk, asking about each other's day, complaining about this and that. but no, no one talks. either he's whispering, or he's shouting. NO ONE EVER FUCKING TALKS. 

and that's where i'll fall too, if i'm not careful. 

Migraine?

this thing is killing me. its the cause of the bad mood. its the cause of the desire to kill someone. it fucking annoys me, more so because i have no idea wad the hell it is. AND i cant even properly describe what it is. 

pains unexplained

maybe i'm going deaf. i think if there's one thing i'm really afraid of, it is going deaf. even partially. if i cant hear properly, i cant play music. if i cant play music, well, i cant be happy. and if i cant be happy, what's the point of living? there's deductive reasoning for you. 

but i honestly think i may be going deaf. its a strange sensation. everytime sound goes into my ears, it starts to ring and crackle. its like, glass in my ears. or something like that. non-stop. 

i want more colour in my life. my life is not colourless, its just dull. 

when enough is not enough

today has been painful. the buzzing in my ear has really gotten to me now. i dont know if buzzing is the right word. its shrilly, but i dont think shrilling is a word. its difficult to put into words how it feels, because it isnt pain in the normal sense of the word pain. it frustrates me, and it grates against my heart. i cant even listen to my music now. 

also, today i took a shot in the jaw. it hurt, and it still does abit. 

also, today i studied so little, i might as well not have studied at all. (of course the justification in that statement is so bad. studying a little is infinitely better than studying nothing at all. 1 is infinitely greater than 0.)

today i was talking to some friends about the mj match, and i realise that i'm still not over it. i still cant put it behind me. its the feeling of regret and disappointment, knowing that we were so close, and yet so far. nothing went our way, and yet we were still that close to winning. it hurts also because of the effort that i knew i gave, the effort that we knew we all gave. i dont want to complain that its no fair, because life never is. i think the pain still lingers because i've never really tasted victory. not after such a long time of hard work and training. that semifinal was our final, but it wasnt to be. i dont know if i should blame myself for making a mistake right at the very death. every time i think about it i say its my fault, but i know at some point i need to let it go. to realise that its happened, and i cant change what has happened. there is no reshaping the past that is ingrained in the sands of time. but it still is a real pity. 

when its all said and done, there'll be nowhere else to run

i've been weird lately. things have been quite strange. maybe its the anticipation of each paper mixed with the suppressed euphoria of finishing exams plus the fear of screwing up plus the desire to succeed plus the daily chores of studying plus the disappointment of life plus the hope of a better tomorrow.

stirred, not shaken. 

Anger and Madness

i am in a fucking bad mood. its never good, these mood swings of mine. 

i figure, its better being angry than it is being disappointed. the immediate consequence of being angry is of course worse and more destructive, but as long as its not constantly directed at others, its not so bad. why? because anger fades. it always does. as long as you dont start pissing everybody off when you're feeling angry, as long as you exercise some self-restraint, it will pass. but being disappointed, its a lot worse. immediately, there isnt much effect. things seem normal, life seems fine. but it isnt. because disappointment doesnt fade. it'll linger and linger for a long long time, and it'll slowly eat you up from inside. the worse part is you'll never notice. before you know it, you're jaded and quietly suffering. 

so i'll be angry, just for awhile. 

please bear with me, maybe pretend to smile. 

i hate post-paper. its the worst time of any exam day. i think its ridiculous how people have to discuss the paper once its over. i can understand why, so i cant say i dont. people want the assurance they didnt fuck up, people want to gauge how well they are going to do, people just want to know. i much rather not know. ignorance is always bliss. what if i realise i totally screwed up the paper? am i going to spend the next 3-4 months moping and worrying how i did? no, i'm not going to do that. i much rather enjoy myself, live life, and then be sad later on. there's no point prolonging my pain, or rather premeditating my pain. 

i really wish people would just shut up and start worrying about the next paper. what's done is done, and nothing you say is going to change it. why worry? people worry too much, which is why no one knows how to have fun anymore. everyone's too worried about making it. 

Day of Change

check out this dude's name:

Richid Altmbareckhammou

so anyway, today is election day. there is now a black us president. we also know that racism is alive and kicking in america. my question is this: how many people voted for obama because he IS black? 

elections are never truly meritocrious. it is always a populartiy contest. i mean, why else would they get people like bruce springsteen and oprah to side with them? and truth be told, while i think obama is probably the better candidate, i also think mccain lost because of bush. bush was pretty much a total cock-up, and i really think it has hurt the republicans alot. mccain and obama didnt start this presidential campaign on the same level. 

now that obama is president, i want to see if he can deliver on his promises. he's got alot og american shit to clean up. 

Title Number One

just stripped my blog of the template. let me think why...

1. i want my titles back. 

titles are important. titles set the tone of whatever is to come. and its also a really pretentious way to appear smart and philosophical. i mean, its very easy to think of one-liners that sound really smart, and then just fill up the post with rubbish. i always do that. i want my titles back. i want my one-liners back. 

2. i was getting bored with my old one.

i mean yes matt bellamy is all over it, but the blue and grey was actually quite hard on the eyes. i like white much better. and its less cluttered, and easier to manage i guess. which is always a plus. 

3. change of style.

i notice it already. it feels more open, less angsty and repressed. i actually feel like i'm talking to someone, instead of just myself. captive audience indeed. hey my language is improving too! now this is strange... 

4. neutrality. 

do i really need to explain? no, cos i understand what it means. that's good enough. 

5. i'm tired of ripping off other peoples' works

yeah, now i'm just ripping off blogger. but hey, at least they encourage me to do it. 

6. i've got nothing better to do right now.

truth be told, i thought of all those reasons (minus no 6) after changing the template. life is always better viewed in hindsight, because there's nothing you can do to change what has been done and decided. of course that isnt always true but hey, math is over. no one gets to argue with me. 

so everyone, all hail the return of the Title!

why i dont care: 

its simple. its over, so there's nothing to care about.

its when its not over that it becomes a problem, because u cant help but caring. 

i think no matter how many times u watch it, armaggadon is still a great movie. its all about the american dream and the great sacrifice. 

the all american rejects guy cant sing live. neither can alot of people.