watching sky captain gave me a very interesting thought. in the show the reporter has one shot on her camera left, and she's involved in well, the greatest change on earth yet. so my thought was this, what would someone do? or rather, what's the best choice to make? take the shot of something significant, or wait for something even better to turn up? i suspect there's a lot of game theory stuff going on here, what with potential benefits and everything. but it is a very interesting proposition.

i just wrote a song and i swear it is awesome. (it is still without lyrics though)

would you rather smile outside and hurt inside,
or hurt outside and smile inside?

what does it say about me, that when people smile at me and wave happily, i dont know how to reply?

i think i should blog more. it might help with my thought processes. assuming i dont get distracted, which i invariably will. its only in my nature that i do. let us question then, the nature of Man. can our characters be formed, or are they already present and there for us to discover? can we apply a formalist vs platonistic approach?

due to my distraction, i will further compound my problem by deviating to a seperate issue, which is my need to security. everyone needs security in something, and i am no different. some people seek security in having secrets, in knowledge, some people find security in scerwing with others etc. what is my security? its easy to find security in material wants. actually, i think its easy to find security in many things. but being secure is not enough. its just like how being valid isnt as good as being sound. i want to be sound in my security, i want to be happy. everyone wants to be happy, at least that's what i believe. even someone like house. maybe he deals with his inability to be happy by trying to make other's miserable, and hence compounding his own misery. it is a vicious cycle.

i cant be happy. i'm no ready to be happy yet. its easier for some people to be happy than others. and i envy those people. being happy is being free from the shackles of one's own mind. being happy lets me sleep easy. i knew what that was like before. but i havent slept easy in a long time. last night was especially bad. i started asking myself questions i shouldnt ask, the same way didi asks questions he shouldnt ask. the problem is that there is no one to be my gogo. i have to be my own gogo.

i have to be my own gogo.

you have no idea how happy you make me feel.
every time you smile, i can pretend like its almost real.

i'm looking down, heading for a greater fall.

life before today:

labels stick.

maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.


(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

i cannot stand it. i was poetic once before. and look at me now.

have you suffered the depths of sadness,
so you can rise up once more?
have you boiled in your own pain,
to shed your old skin?
have you slept with a broken hard,
and wake up crying in the dark?
have you ran till you dropped,
hurt your knees and puked alot?

this has left me so drained and defeated,
so much so that i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant say i dont care, i still do,
but something just isnt like it was before.

i honestly dont know what to do with myself right now. i'm in a really deep shithole, and i cant seem to get myself out of it. you know, its not always been this way. i think for very long i've been in a funk of sorts. now all these shitty emotions and feelings are coming back to destroy me again. it happened once before and its happening again. i can feel it, and i dont know how i can stop it. sometimes, i'm just lost for words. i honestly dont know what to say, because i know that whatever i say is the wrong thing to say. so i'm better off not saying anything at all. but this is the worst choice to make, much like bosola. i think that's the importance of choice. its not about having choice, its about making choices, and dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. having choices but not making a choice at all is the stupidest thing to do, because it leaves you with nothing. it leads you nowhere. it is an endless cycle of despair.

i cant make choices. i thought i could, i thought i can now, but some part of me is still telling me i cant. that's what makes me weak. its the reason i can admire people even if i dont like them or approve of what they do. at least they have made their choice, and are standing by those choices, or dealing with those choices.

i feel very left out of life right now.

i cant even think right now. my mind is just, i dunno, destroying itself. committing mental suicide. i feel like a shadow of the person i thought i was. i feel like telling descarte to take his philosophy and shove it up his fucking ass right now. i think therefore i am. i dont think, therefore i am not. i think i am in despair, therefore i am in despair. fuck descartes. (for all i know i might be mistaken, it might not have been descartes after all. but i think its him)

i am not feeling angry. i am not even feeling sad. i'm feeling something i dont want to admit i'm feeling. yes.

the paradox is as follows:

A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one day in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.

Having reflected on his sentence, the prisoner draws the conclusion that he will escape from the hanging. His reasoning is in several parts. He begins by concluding that if the hanging were on Friday then it would not be a surprise, since he would know by Thursday night that he was to be hanged the following day, as it would be the only day left (in that week). Since the judge's sentence stipulated that the hanging would be a surprise to him, he concludes it cannot occur on Friday.

He then reasons that the hanging cannot be on Thursday either, because that day would also not be a surprise. On Wednesday night he would know that, with two days left (one of which he already knows cannot be execution day), the hanging should be expected on the following day.

By similar reasoning he concludes that the hanging can also not occur on Wednesday, Tuesday or Monday. Joyfully he retires to his cell confident that the hanging will not occur at all.

The next week, the executioner knocks on the prisoner's door at noon on Wednesday — an utter surprise to him. Everything the judge said has come true.

my reasoning is this: assuming that the prisoner has reasoned out that he cannot be hanged, him being hanged on any given day would be a surprise. it might then be argued that the purpose of judge telling the prisoner that his hanging day would be a mystery is to induce this false sense of safety in the prisoner, so as to justify the hanging being a surprise. if the prisoner is paranoid, he would think that every day might be the day he dies, then there wouldnt be any surprise anymore. hence i would argue that the purpose of the judge telling the prisoner it would be a surprise is to heighten his expectation of reprieve and hence increase the level of surprise when he eventually is hanged. this follows from the knowledge that the prisoner is damned and there is no way the hanging will not take place. in other words, the prisoner has come to a false conclusion that contradicts prior knowledge of the fact that he is condemned to be hanged.

which means he is an idiot.

last night i had a very nice dream.

this morning, i had a very brilliant thought.

right now, i'm in a whole load of shit.

stranded on this runaway train...

i guess every once in awhile, i have those moments, where nothing seems right. everything suddenly becomes that much more bleak, that much more meaningless.

i think i'm comfortable in the knowledge that my mind is whirring. i'm comfortable in the knowledge of knowledge, if you like. but i guess its not really knowledge, more like musings and thoughts. i much rather myself be thinking about 5 things at once than nothing at all. the worst of all would be to think of one thing and only one thing. that leaves me depressed.

best of all is to remove all thinking. that's what computer games are for.

warnings. warnings.

i have failed to understand myself. i think we're all losing sight of what really matters. there is a need to look beyond the talk. everyone talks, everyone can fill the air with sounds, pretending like it all means something.

nothing makes me special. i guess i cant accept people being different from how i perceive people should be. i think everyone has expectations of the world, of how it should behave, of how things should be. but there's no way all those expectations can be met. what gives me the right to judge people? there is a balance in life after all. for everything that i do not say, someone else will be talking away, signifying nothing. some people just have to talk. for every patient person there must be someone high-strung. for every sensitive person there must be someone with no tact. life is fair after all, i guess. so i shall not complain that life in unfair. i think its funny how i can always rationalise my emotional state of mind, in something greater than myself. it absolves me of the need to feel, the need to involve myself in the things i do. its time for something more, even if i cant do it. its time for change. its time for chance. and maybe hope. possibly happiness. definitely, a better tomorrow.

today i met two narrow-minded ah bengs.

me, sits at bus stop.
me bicycle is placed to the side of bus stop, about 2 metres away.
ah bengs stand about a metre away from me.
ah bengs are stupid.
ah bengs look at bike.
ah beng 1 to ah beng 2: "woh. who's bike is that. mutter mutter mutter"
ah beng 2: "i dunno. but eh, can take the brakes ah. (i didnt catch the rest of their convo)
me stands up and goes to bike.
ah bengs O_O

my dreams are bothering me too much. i suspect to a point i'm left with nothing else.

this morning i had an extremely traumatic experience. i was lying in bed, having quite a bad dream. i woke up suddenly, and my sister runs across my room door singing 'WE ARE SINGAPORE, WE ARE SINGAPORE..." at the top of her voice.

i understand now, i dont have nightmares. i just have bad dreams. and in all honesty, they are significantly worse and more painful than nightmares.

i went back to sleep, and had more bad dreams.

and i'm counting down the days.

you know there i'm slowly dying inside,
every moment she's not here preying on my mind.

i lost all madness chasing after you.
it was never a gift for two.