only when you're lonely

yes, it sucks big time. but what can i do? i guess its reached the point of resignation, and i just have to accept whatever that comes. there is nothing i can do to change things anyhow. 

we can always wish for so much more than we have. 

right now i'm just trying to get by. truth is, i hate bmt. i dont feel like i belong here. i dont know where i belong, but it isnt here. i just want it over as soon as possible. 

things are slowing down, even as they speed up. i think i'm slowly realising just how tough life can be away from the things that matter. i'm over the initial shock and everything. now its really just trying to deal with it. 

who knows when i'll be done complaining? 

right now i'm just so tired. and there is really no let up. i really wonder how i'm going to spend those 12 days of block leave. there's always so much more to do than the time i have. and i've been spending way too much. so much for keeping to my resolution of going out as little as possible. i've been going out every single weekend. i guess it may be time to start being a little more loner and just stay at home. but there's not much to do at home. and its lonely being at home. but then again, it can be lonely everywhere. 

things are starting to look up. even from my clothes i think i sense a change. there's now more colour, more variety, less worry. things arnt neccessarily simpler, but they are proving to be a little easier. no more guessing, in a way no more worrying even. there's nothing to think about, being on tekong. the brain stops. i hate it. 

i'm not sure i'll ever be used to a life like that. i need my freedom, i need my control. i could give up other things in exchange for some control over my own life, my own freedom. sadly there isnt a trade-off to be made. 

and everything still remains the same, even as we carry on into the sunset. 

so long and always so far

the problem is that i just dont have enough time to organise my thoughts and sort myself out. every weekend has been so rushed, its almost like army out of army. i still have timings to meet, i still have schedules, i still have to rush here and there, is there to be no reprieve? no, i dont think so. not for another 1 year and 10 months. 

25 random things, because i feel the need to blog something. 

1. a12 saved my life. i've spent the whole of today thinking about this, and there's no other way around it. a12 saved my life, rescued me from the shit i was turning into. 

2. i am extremely materialistic, but lack the financial capacity to actually be so. which leaves me in a very difficult position of wanting many things but actually possessing very little. which in turn leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction. 

3. i lie to myself a lot. often when i do so, i tell myself its alright, because i'm doing what's best for me and for whoever else may be involved. but even that may be a lie. its some part self-delusion, its some part an attempt at being happy, its some part escapism. but when you add it all up, its still nothing more than many lies parading to be half-truths, which ultimately count for nothing very much. 

4. i dont think people understand me. but i also dont think i'm as complicated as people may think i am. maybe its a fear of being normal. i guess i'm to blame, for trying to appear more complex than i may actually be. but then again, sometimes i dont understand myself either. 

5. i'm not a fan of personality assessments (such as 16p, eqi etc). i dont like how they objectively classify you. it is too simple, too brutally honest. 

6. unlike xtine, i think jc was the best thing that has happened to me. vip could possibly be at the same time be the worst and best thing, because it helped make my jc life the joy that it was. i think i can quite honestly say vip destroyed me in many ways, and jc rescued me. 

7. i think i'm in some kind of regressing phase in my life. i've recently taken to things symbolic of earlier periods of my life. take the mario fascination. who knows, maybe growing up neccessarily requires a period of regress, to look back at past facets of your life and better understand who you are and ultimately who you want to become. i believe the past shapes who you are in more ways than we care to want to believe. 

8. i have yet to form my opinion on life. so far i've been holding various opinions that arnt mine specifically, but rather variations of opinions that i've heard from different places. i believe everyone needs their Opinion On Life. their own OOL. but it takes time. of course it does. 

9. i'm happier now. no doubt. 

10. i've grown up a lot i think. i just havent had the time to determine just how much "a lot" is. 

11. uni will be the time i decide if i pursue music or not. there is no time before neither is there time after. 

12. army has been inculcating habits into me, such as wearing a watch, always rushing etc. irritating, really. 

13. i'm still afraid of labels, even now. and though i know its an inescapable reality, i still hate it. i guess that's why i keep trying to run away from them. but it seems they have a habit of chasing after me. and so the cat and mouse game goes on forever. 

14. i am still so selfish. everythings about me me me. i dont naturally and instinctively put other before myself. yes, i can do it, but its a conscious effort. my first instinct is still always self-preservation. which makes me selfish. 

15. i think i'm too demanding. i demand a lot of myself at times, i demand a lot of others, hell i demand a lot of life. its not fair. 

16. i always tend to think in terms of fair and not fair, and then dismissing them as pointless classifications because life isnt fair. life doesnt operate on a scale of 1 to 2. 

17. i need to better express my gratitude for people. 

18. i definitely inherited a lot of my dad's genes. i recognise and acknowledge that. now the difficult part is having to live with that. hopefully i wont commit the same kind of mistakes as he does. 

19. i think i'm still very restless when it comes to a lot of things. i've got nothing to hang on to, nothing to keep me calm and grounded. all the time i'm still drifting around, searching for new things to hang on to, seeking the next thrill ride, the next adrenaline rush. and when its over i'll move on again. its like the millenium falcon, hopping from galaxy to galaxy, with no place to call home. coruscant doesnt count, because it is the home of the universe, and hence home for no one. 

20. i beat around the bush a lot. i think the problem is that i dont have the confidence to just say things straight. i'm afraid of being wrong, or of messing things up. its easier to be ambiguous as one can easily cover up any mistakes. it takes courage to do black and white. i just keep doing grey. 

21. i am tired tired tired. 25 is a looooooong way away. 

22. i dont want to change the world. and i dont want to save the world. the world is beyond saving, and i have no messiah complex. however, it would be nice to contribute in a way that will help us progress as people, and especially as singaporeans. having said that, i do wish to be involved in the arts scene in singapore, whether theatre or music or whatever it may be. it is there i see the most potential.. singaporeans are a bunch worth saving, if only because they are the hardest to save. 

23. my sense of humour is very questionable. 

24. i wish i could draw. i always did, i still do, and i always will. 

25. i am a collector. 

castles made of cloud

and life could somehow go on, even if its never quite the same again

because at the end of it all, that's the only comfort that we've got

and forever

cos there's nothing like the memory of yesterday, the emptiness of today and the promise of tomorrow to always keep us going...

15 STEP

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle. 
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! 
4. Tag 10 or more friends 


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? 
midnight show - the killers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? 
lemon tree - fool's garden

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? 
for a pessimistic, i'm pretty optimistic - paramore 

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? 
requiem for a dream - lux aeterna

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? 
put your hands up in the air - daft punk

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? 
i predict a riot (radio 1 live lounge cover) - mcfly

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? 
let me love you (radio 1 live lounge cover) - charlotte church 

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? 
empty space - lifehouse 

WHAT IS 2+2? 
believe - the chemical brothers

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? 
baby, its a wild world - mr big

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
yesterday (acoustic) - the beatles

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? 
i want you back - the kooks

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 
theme of final fantasy x - final fantasy x

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
aint that a shame - cheap trick

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? 
watch and ward - phonograph

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? 
overture 1928 - dream theatre

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? 
unchained melody - il divo

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? 
photograh - nickleback

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? 
to where you are - josh groban

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? 
detainer - day of fire (sounds like confinement to me ><) HOW WILL YOU DIE?  glider - captain beefheart WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?  black - neurosis WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?  foreign language - anberlin  WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?  do it alone - sugarcult WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?  where i stand - blue october  WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?  time after time - cyndi lauper DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?  sooner or later - breaking benjamin (HAHA) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?  suteki da ne (piano collection) - FFX piano collections  WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?  rookie of the year - funeral for a friend WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?  15 step - radiohead

wow no muse

never worth the sacrifice

take your time, because time is all that you have. 

until you've found your answers, 

this is all that you will ever get. 

yes, it sometimes dont make sense.

things happen, and you dont know why. 

its getting steadily tougher and easier at the same time. change is still hard for me i guess. i dont know if that will ever change. paradoxical, isnt it? 

as usual i as thinking too much on the trip home, and i figured i'm still living in too simlistic a world. i guess everything's still quite idealistic for me. idealistically good, or idealistically bad. there's little room for any in between. i'm still slowly learning i hope, how to come to terms with things that dont make sense to me. i'm just not sure how much time i have. or rather how much time i can afford to take. because no one ever has enough time. 

Fire Alarm

every once in awhile everyone needs a little bubble bursting. you burst one bubble so the new one grows a little bit stronger. 

ngeah. i want my jerseys...

Thoughts Attack

last night i had the most strange experience while lying in bed. its been a long while since i've been doing any meaningful thinking. yesterday i did spend some time thinking, especially before going to bed. while lying in bed, when i closed my eyelids, i had the sensation of words washing over me. it was extremely queer. when i opened my eyelids i felt nothing, just staring at the ceiling. but the moment my eyes were closed i could feel words, thoughts, sentences, everything weighing down on me. it doesnt really make much sense, me trying to explain what it was like. i wish there was some way of giving it meaning, some way of making sense of it all. but i'm quite sure there isnt. its probrably psychological more than anything. 

i wonder if its the sudden onset of repressed thoughts. the sad part is that i dont think there was anything complex. but basic beats nothing i guess. 

Voices

maybe i am only fearing for the worst. 

the irony of it all is that i wish it werent a fair trade off. i know everything has its price, and i've accounted for the price to pay. but maybe i was wrong. maybe it was worth more than i thought it was. 

thoughts are taking way too long right now. i can feel myself slowing down in relation to the rest of the world. 

we speak in different voices 

when fighting with the ones we love 

we speak in different voices 

why can't we say what we're thinking of? 

do i miss you, do i even dare

hello 2009. its a new year once more. 

no resolutions. i never make resolutions, because i'm hopeless at keeping them. but that doesnt mean i cant set out some goals/targets to try to meet. at least it gives me a sense of direction, or at the very least an illusion of that. i'm shit tired right now. 

so, things to do in 2009 (in no order): 

1. move on

2. pass ippt. pref at least a silver. 

3. keep in touch with friends. 

4. keep the brain alive. or at least prevent it from degenerating into a vegetative state. 

5. save money. 

honestly, i never liked goal setting. i hate all that shit about being realistic, time period etc. i dont really feel like thinking right now. army kinda does that to you. it negates the need to really think. 

sigh. the pain of being away from everything that means anything to me is starting to sink in. i never thought i'd feel this way, being left out of everything. i miss everyone, i really really do. 

ok i need to force myself to think and to reflect. 

2008 was quite a good year i think. in general jc life was good. it flew by, of course it did. and i had a ton of fun, even if i also did have a ton of hurt. i'd like to think that i've grown up quite a bit the past 2 years. i sincerely hope i did. i've learnt a lot these 2 years, and i dont mean academically. i've learnt a lot about others, i've learnt a lot about life in general, but more importantly i think i've learnt a lot more about myself. in IP i had no idea who i was. i was basically just drifting around, settling anywhere that would have me. and i would float on and on, constantly in search of something new, something different, something that would excite me. while i wouldnt say i have fully discovered who i am now, i think i have a better idea. i know what i want. i know what i like and what i dislike. i know what makes me tick, i know what gets me annoyed, angry, frustrated etc. most significantly, i think i now know what makes me happy. and that is very important. 

i am really thankful to the people that have made my jc life the best two years of my life. looking back, through all the ups and downs, it is the people that made all the difference. 

i couldnt have asked for a better class than a12. i mean, its not always been the most smooth-sailing, but we definitely made it through alright. hell, we made it through pretty damn awesome. i mean, i dont think jc would have been half as fun without the class. i mean, there is always someone i can turn to, whenever i'm feeling down or anything. and together we've had so much fun, whether going out, or just doing stupid things to amuse ourselves. i dont think my words can ever do justice to just how much i appreciate my class. a12 kept me sane when i thought i was losing it. 

i am also extremely grateful for the 07/08 tsd batch. i mean, these were the people that i saw every single damn day of my jc life, whether i liked it or not. the course has made a lasting impression on my life, and so have the people. the amount of work put in, the hours spent slogging away, spent in each other's faces, one never forgets these things. these people were my family away from a12. its definitely not always been easy, but as a whole we managed lah. its not like our senior batch where there were obvious factions. i think the sense of unity is much stronger in our batch, and that can only be a good thing. and i've made so many new friends, friends which i dont think i would normally make. tsd has changed my life in so many ways, its a little scary. 

floorball has been my release away from tsd. there's just no other way to describe it. i mean, all my hard work in jc went to two things: tsd and floorball. and the people are vastly different. and its a good thing. i mean, i think its unhealthy to be constantly around the tsd people, because you'll go crazy. with the floorball guys i can just, you know, be a typical guy. there's easily less judgement. i'm not sure quite how to describe it, but the feeling of comradeship, it is something i treasure.

sigh i am so tired right now i cant think. i need to go crash. i must seriously start working on some form of thank you. i've never been the card-writing, gift-giving kind. but i've got 2 years to work on it, two years to find ways to show my appreciation for the people who have made the past 2 years so enjoyable and memorable. 

i think i will make that a resolution.