Dear God

oh dear. so many things are changing, i'm afraid i wont recognise things anymore. 

the appearance of the tick scares me. what happened to the glorious three stripes??? have we now given in to the enemy! condemnation be to the pok! 

its the things that you want to but are too scared to say that matter the most. 

living in circles

and he was just like any other guy. 

he could do things no better, and no worse. 

he had dreams of the impossible,

but reality was some harsh place. 

the memory plagued his existence,

more than the scars on his face. 

he was alone,

just as he has always been. 

he is incurably idealistic:

wanting to change the world,

wanting to fall in love,

hoping things will eventually be okay. 

but everything will not be alright.

life is merciless - we fall over and over again,

only so that life can laugh at us all the time.

but in that mockery we must find comfort - 

as long as we dont laugh at ourselves,

there is hope yet.

hope for a little redemption,

a little respite to quell the frightened minds. 

he was just a face in the crowd. 

for awhile, he had a name.

but one in a million is all he's got, 

the only chance at a life he would never else know. 

catching the last train

tiredness makes my brain go a little out of shape. i stop thinking properly, and things just come out strange. and i become even more forgetful... 

there are so many things i wish to say,

but there's just too little time for everyone. 

recently i've had more time to think about everything that has happened in the last 4 months. a ton of stuff happened, but army kinda robbed me of time to think about it properly and to just sort myself out. but ever since training started easing up, i've found the time to reflect properly. i'm making up for lost time. (somehow, i always feel that that is the case. there's never enough time, and yet there's so much to do.) 

its been a tiring weekend. a long long week too. its a little scary, imagining the fact that for two years i'm going to spend many weekends totally exhausted. the break away from life as i knew it, the gap that has been created, it never closes. 

i miss talking to people who understand. now, i dont expect anyone to. some part of me rather them not to. but i miss my friends. they mean the world to me. its scary thinking back to my ip days and how i thought i could survive withouts friends. i was so naive. but i think i've grown up a lot more now. 

i want to think i've become a better person, but i'm not sure i have. 

over the hump

an emotional mind makes irrational decisions. 

i think i'm over that. 

imagining the pain

come come now, follow the light. 

bury the body and free my sight. 

the past 2 weekends have been so short. but i wont complain, because i cant. i've learnt my lesson. 

who knows what's worth it anymore? 

the tough part is having to learn about yourself. critically re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself is a painful process, and it only comes with having time on your side. time seemingly exists on two different plains, the tekong plain and the mainland plain. on tekong time seems to stretch on forever, and yet back here on the mainland time passes in an instant. back to my point, which is that i've taken to figuring out myself better. i thought i had myself figured out, and in some ways i do. but i'm still learning more about myself. its not always about looking ahead and thinking about the present and future. sometimes it matters more to consider the present in relation to the past and see how the past may manifest itself in the future. 

ok am off to watch house, because it makes life worthwile.