i hate it. i know it

i miss having someone to talk to.

u know whats my problem? i tink too much. i make meaning when there is none, and that is never a bad thing. why? now thats another problem. i let myself tink too much. i don distract myself enough. i've got noting to do, cos i don wan to do anything. i'm in shit, but instead if trying to get out, i let myself sink further and further. will i hit a point where i can never ever get out? i don noe yet. i wonder if i'm pushin myself in that direction.

i always believe in my judgement. on my true honest judgement. i don thing that i believe i must, no matter what. and hell i'm willing to face up to the consequences. and i guess pple don really understand, that whilst i have tendencies to lie, to tell half-truths, to wadeva, at the end of the day, i haf certain fundamentals i stand by. and i guess thats prob why i'm so fucked up. i stick to my beliefs to much. warped beliefs, i shld say. but somehow, i cant imagine myself anyway else. i guess not many pple understand.

hahahahahaha.

its so funny. i'm a fence sitter in about every way. i want things, yet i don want them. i mean what i say, yet i don mean what i say. its all like a game. a sick, demented game. yet a game so intriuging, so tempting, its hard to resist. and i cant.

would things have been any better? can things be any better?

over the years, i've been told by many pple that i should change myself. for the better. make myself more likable. more sociable. but do i? of course not. as fucked up as i am, i like me just as i am. i dont want to change jus because its the best thing for me to do. i'm not trying to sound like some punk rebel or anything, even if i may seem to, but i mean thats just how it is. its about believing in ureself isnt it. trusting that ultimately, it is my life, and if i'm to screw up my life, at least i can blame me and only me. theres no such thing as "for the better". better is bullshit. better is compromising ure character, smthn i believe no one shld ever do. we are all individuals, we shld act like individuals, not all submit to some authoritarians ideology and become mindless fucking robots.

i like seeing happy pple. i'm happy for them. for having found smthn to be happy about. yet at the same time i feel sorry for them, cos i know that that happiness will soon run out, that it will eventually end, and then, and then they will fall harder than me. and i feel sorry for them. really.

a photograph is a truly fascinating object. it is one hell of a double edge sword. becos on one hand its a reminder of the good times in the past, and on the other hand its a reminder that the good times of the past are gone. to put it simply. and yet we always wan to take photos. so we're setting ourselves up for this agony no? why?? photos are also very interesting, as they have the ability to do smthn nothing else can, that is, stopping time. time is contantly moving, contantly chaging, and constantly running out. photos are the only way we can, in a sense, stop time. it is of course jus a play on the human mind, but a good one, and a necessary one, nonetheless.

and there i go again, locking up another memory, locking up another poison, locking up yet another knife.