Because that isnt the way it is.

going to work on 2 hours of sleep is NOT COOL.

tennis

Tennis today was pretty fun. felt good to finally play after so long. weather was actually pretty good, considering it could have been burning hot or it could have rained.

didnt do much this weekend. nothing new.

new year's eve. hmmm.

forget about the truth, when you dont even know about the lies.

Poor Idealistic Dreamer

poor idealistic dreamer,

stuck in this sandy wall-less hole.

could you ever forgive them?

the world will carry on,

honouring the poor and dividing all our fears.

dont get caught in the landslide, honey,

there's so many places you can go to hide.

i gave up the chase fifty years ago,

realised that i was chasing the ghost of a forgotten thing.

and how they spit on us!

poor idealistic dreamer,

alone in a world of harsh realities and robot lives.

alone, to face the wrath of stupid mankind.

will you not forgive them?

they have sinned,

they have faltered,

all because they know nothing.

they sense no direction, they seek no meaning.

all they want is their passage to heaven.

promise them nothing!

poor idealistic dreamer,

no one will pity you,

no one will remember you.

perhaps walk yourself over the edge,

and all is calm.

the world will always carry on...

without you, you are nothing.

without you, nothing.

the truth is that i'm a real ass, and deserve nothing more than the very very less.

xmas

click for full comic

Bliss

finally.

and oh man, what a dream...

19 Dec 2009

commission loh!

1...0

fuck it, just one more day.

Home

And just like that, everyone's back! (if only for a little while...)

F.E.A.r

been pondering things that i shouldnt be pondering about.

suddenly, everything's just about money money money. its the sad reality that i have come to face.

you know what, just screw everything. 4 more days. its times like these one really asks for faith and belief.

punk

sigh. i am totally getting sucked into the google and apple vortex.

You Choose

high commitment friendship or low commitment relationship?

Sigur Ros?

oh man oh man.

the twinkling footsteps in the background, drowning out all your fears.

look up to the floodlight, they will hide your falling tears.

quite often i'm afraid to think. i'm afraid of what my mind conceives, because there is no hiding or running away. sometimes its safer, happier, to just not think. life could be simple, if only we wanted it enough.

listen to the wind, sliding across your face.

wooosh... wooosh...

still searching for direction, looking for my constant.

its the little things that scare me. its always the damned little things. how i wish i could draw and draw up a witty comic about how i feel. but i cant draw, and i cant witty.

still drifting around, trying to find somewhere that fits. perhaps i will spend all eternity drifting. i could breathe dreams, i could eat hope and i could drink wishes. i could survive on nothing at all. but i cant. no one can. or rather, no one should.

who wants to live forever?

been pretty stagnant recently. just sitting around doing nothing. forgetting so many things. ignoring the truths that really matter. wishing for wishes. hoping for miracles. its not over you know. i want it all. how could it be so wrong. no is not an answer. life has been frustrating. things will never be the way you want it to be. not figuring out priorities in life. bad habits are abound. honestly i will not cave in.

the amen break.

i could quite possibly be going crazy. she talks in riddles and i talk in mime. time passes slowly when it passes slowly. how would you know. no one bothers with losers. always check your fridge. no i have not forgotten. lies and lies and lies. first time for everything. cream is for milk is for coffee. and round and round in circles he runs.

:D

That, and origin of symmetry. Give me a Hell Yeah!

managed to move!

YES YES YES YES YES finally i'm managed to move this damn blog over to this google account. awesome. i believe everything is now ported to this account so i can prob close down my old account :)

Positive Reinforcement

yes, they may be lies, but at least there is the semblance of happiness.

Just Yesterday

sigh. its difficult. no, its freaking damn impossible. i dunno how to deal. i'm not sure i'm ready to deal.

some things never change. and yet some things change and will never be the same. shit happens when the line between the two start to blur. and i hate it. i hate the lack of control.

its been a good week. its been very chill, going home every day. life out there really is quite different from life in a training school. i'm looking forward to it. its not going to be easy, of course. nothing in life is ever easy.

there is a sense of incompleteness that consumes the mind. 
perpetual helplessness, trapped and confined. 

FREAKING DAMN AWESOME

wow

oh my lord the resistance tour.

went jamming. first time in a long time. felt real good.

Fame

i'm a pessimistic guy. life sucks.

i think the hardest thing to do is to accept one's flaws. everyone has flaws. major ones, minor ones, they all add up. its easy to hide our flaws, or at least some of them. or perhaps not hide, but to disguise them. its more difficult to be true to oneself and to live by those flaws. everyone wants to be perfect, but no one is. what differentiates us from each other? its not who's better at math or econs, not who runs faster, not who sings better. at the end of the day, it comes down to whose more fucked up. because we are all judgemental people. acheivements are easy to ignore, easy to forget. people, not so easy.

We'll fight to defend our country,
We'll fight to protect our economy. 
We'll fight to safeguard our way of life, 
But who's fighting to keep our dreams alive?

Silent Non-conversation

HuiMin says: (5:47:08 PM)
it is so a bunny

HuiMin says: (5:47:11 PM)
its a peep bunny

bobthemob says: (5:47:13 PM)
it is so not a bunny

bobthemob says: (5:47:20 PM)
which bunny has no limbs? huh?

HuiMin says: (5:47:22 PM)
IT IS SO A BUNNY

HuiMin says: (5:47:25 PM)
THAT BUNNY

bobthemob says: (5:47:32 PM)
has no mouth

bobthemob says: (5:47:42 PM)
like hello kitty

HuiMin says: (5:47:49 PM)
i was just going to say that

HuiMin says: (5:47:59 PM)
my mouse has a mouth

bobthemob says: (5:48:03 PM)
yoshi doesnt :(

bobthemob says: (5:48:14 PM)
his nose is too big -.-

HuiMin says: (5:48:15 PM)
yes he does

HuiMin says: (5:48:17 PM)
he has a jaw

bobthemob says: (5:48:20 PM)
or rather, -O-

HuiMin says: (5:48:25 PM)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

HuiMin says: (5:48:49 PM)
-O-


Huimin shows off her LSE "penguin".

bobthemob says: (5:49:37 PM)
it looks retarded

HuiMin says: (5:49:41 PM)
its a penguin

HuiMin says: (5:49:43 PM)
you look retarded

bobthemob says: (5:49:51 PM)
cool and retarded

HuiMin says: (5:49:59 PM)
but still retarded

bobthemob says: (5:50:00 PM)
at least i'm in colour

bobthemob says: (5:50:04 PM)
not monochrome -.-

bobthemob says: (5:50:06 PM)
-O-

HuiMin says: (5:50:49 PM)
HIS BEAK IS FREAKING YELLOW

bobthemob says: (5:50:54 PM)
its a lie

HuiMin says: (5:51:09 PM)
what EVER

HuiMin says: (5:51:15 PM)
youre just like

HuiMin says: (5:51:18 PM)
all brown

bobthemob says: (5:51:24 PM)
the endless red tape will keep the truth confined.

bobthemob says: (5:51:26 PM)
-O-

HuiMin says: (5:51:31 PM)
whatever fat cat

all this, in an msn conversation, together with skype on.

this is why i have the awesomest friends ever.

Fat

i just went for a swim, then came up and finished a 2 yolk mooncake. whoopee, back to square zero.

FX

i spent the last 10 min sitting on the floor in front of mt gt-8, doing nothing but turning every single knob i can turn, with the feedbacker turned on. what madness.

my ears are still ringing, my head just only stopped spinning.

Money Money Money

lately have been having slightly messed up thoughts. too many things happening, too little time to fathom an explanation.

its starting to feel a little bit quiet, a little bit lonely.

money money money, always not enough money. 
what can i buy, with limited money money money.
Strange word, m-o-n-e-y. 
its easy to borrow, its easy to find,
but oh money money money why wont you just be mine.

59.99

Bliss. 

30% of my puny ipod is muse. wow.

Yet one more

it hasnt sunk in yet. everyone leaving, you dont quite feel it. not yet.

i wonder what it'd be like if i did leave. for one, there'll prob be hardly anyone around to see me off, so less emotional baggage in a way. two, its a long time away, dont think about it. three it prob will never happen.

sigh. i do feel sad. but i think only over the next few weeks will it really hit me that everyone's kinda gone. the gang just isnt quite the same without all of them. i know we'll be hanging on to all the residual memories, because that's all we'll have. technology may bridge the time and distance gap, but it wont bring us any closer to each other.

there are times i wish a were just a normal boy. but most of the time i'm thankful i'm not.

Soon, another

been very busy. been more busy that i would have liked to be.

i wish time would slow down, allow me more time to say my goodbyes.

BUZZING

OH MY GOD I CANT WAIT FOR THE RESISTANCE OMG OMG OMG. THE VIDS OF THE TEIGNMOUTH CONCERT ARE AMAZING. UNNATURAL SELECTION FTW OMG.

OMG OMG OMG.

*FANBOY MADNESS*

Right Now

its been quite an uplifting week, in the sense that there was nothing downtroddening about the week. outfield sucked, but outfield always sucks.

bickered the night away with xtine, was great fun.

been wondering a lot lately, but not really thinking very much. thinking is tiring. but the resolution of recent times is managing the psp-guitar ratio. more guitar, less psp.

oh my god. august just disappeared, money-wise. what the fuck happened??? i am quite pissed with myself. ok no. damn freaking pissed. going to go on serious diet for sept.

ah its the caffeine in me talking. i've got so much caffeine in my system i'm buzzing. really really buzzing. its all coming out too quickly and incoherently.

To write a song

hopelessly I'll love you endlessly


its so easy, and yet so hard

Use Somebody

i think to tell the truth the week has been fairly interesting, although nothing significant actually happened. i wondered about many things, i thought about what it means to be me, and still i have no conclusions.

i have to get away from games. its too easy, and too meaningless. i got to make my time worth something, if that's the only thing i do.

chirpy chippy chop

heh, changed the url. same old retarded person posting the same old retarded things to.

i feel happier already.

hey, i'm doing ok.

i understand something now. i miss msn. i miss the security and neutrality it offers. its so easy to say something or do something, because you dont have to deal with immediate judgement and response.

fine fine, i'm a coward.

Smart, but

between a couple of stones and a wall of rock,

we talk so much we're bound to rot.

its been a long week. its been more frustrating than i would have liked it to be. right now i'm just wondering how long more till i can figure this out.

if i am the moon, then you are the sun. and all that stands between us is the world. together we are an eclipse. what bullshit.

identity is a curious thing. i've kinda figured, one's identity is a social construct, a defense mechanism when around strangers. i mean when you're around friends, close friends, this whole "identity" rubbish tends to just fade away. because lets face it its about what we make of ourselves as much as what others make of us. and when neither matters, then identity ceases to exist. i believe one only really needs an identity when venturing out into the unknown, entering the abyss that is society. its terrifying to an extent.

so i've been trying to figure out my identity, to very generally put it. its not about figuring out who i am. its figuring out who people perceive me to be. cos i've concluded the person i think i am is vastly different from the person people think i am. i think i'm boring. and yet people can come up with such interesting stories, i myself am rather shocked. its always a case of "i did that??", or "i could do that??". there's a lot of differences here i need to try to reconcile, if not i'm going to forever be living in the shadow of a person i'm not.

who wants everything?

we'll fall in line, pay for our crimes,

looting the lives of those left behind.

blessing, or curse?

once more it has happened. i open my safari browser, surf all the usual websites, read my email, think about whether to pre-order the resistance, slack around, bop my head to some awesome itunes music, check to make sure my game is downloading, blog surf, think about what other sites i havent yet visited, then conclude that i've done all the necessary internet surfing there is to do. now to just read and reply my emails.

and then i realise, i haven't gone to facebook.

Little Expectation

i realise i'm always wanting the things i cannot get. its perpetual disappointment contained in a hat.

for tomorrow

i think a blog still means something. in this day and age of facebook, twitter and god knows what's next, having a blog aint quite the same thing as before. and yet i still find it my favourite medium in which to record, anchor and sometimes communicate my thoughts. with facebook and twitter, its all about being in the moment, living for no space and time. there isnt any thought to that, no meaning. must everything have a meaning? i suppose not, but for me perhaps. i cant stand, or rather a cannot accept provisional living. i'd feel lost.

so i've decided, i will put in more effort to maintain this blog after all. i need to keep my mind moving, and not get sucked further into the dumbing-bin that is the army. help me please.

dont give up on Hope

the youth of today are steadily fading away. we are forgetting why we're here. we're too caught up in the pursuit of achievement and success, we forgot that time is and will always be short.

now we still have the chance to dream. now we still have the chance to believe in the impossible. now we still have the chance to take chances.

soon it'll all be over. very soon we'll be sucked into the relentless cycle of adulthood, the abyss we shall never escape.

the youth are dying. the youth are always dying.

missing the cool randomness of teenage freedom

there was a time when nothing really mattered.

there was a time when one's every action wasn't being monitored.

there was a time when freedom actually still meant something.

its different now. and it will be, for another 17 months or so. that's the reality i've come to hate, and yet the reality i am forced to accept.

its not a choice. that's the only comfort i have.

lets not take things for granted shall we?

poor kelly

troubadour says: (9:43:37 PM)

i walked past this BUSH, this MOOING BUSH

roubadour says: (9:43:46 PM)

it was MOOING like a HERD OF COWS

bobthemob says: (9:43:48 PM)

you what??

troubadour says: (9:43:59 PM)

i swear! like pigs oinking and cows mooing

troubadour says: (9:44:02 PM)

IT WAS TERRIFYING

1000th post

transformers spoilers ahead, please do not be afraid.

transformers is like godot - nothing happens. lets face it, the show is all about supermassive explosions, cool robots and megan fox. the storyline, if you actually call it a storyline, is entirely ciruclar and pointless. optimus dies, optimus is revived. funky massive evil dude rises once more, funky massive evil dude dies. megatron comes back, megatron leaves. hero boy dies, hero boy comes back alive. nothing changes from the start of the movie! it ends exactly the way it ended, albeit a ton of US troops are dead (oh come on dont pretend anyone actually cares...). the movie should be retitled transformers: rise of godot. becket would be proud.

master

life happens in many unrepeatable phases.

the existential search for a sense of belonging

i'm still trying to figure out this whole fitting in a system thing.

yeah, it doesnt work, i know.

Showering Hypothesis

i have had my revelation on why i think so much and have so many brainwaves while showering. its the mind-body divide. having showered the exact same way for 19 yrs (more or less), its become muscle memory. so the mind doesnt have to think about what the body is doing. this allows the mind to wander, and therefore to wonder. and so all kinds of things come to mind. and yet why cant i commit anything to memory once i'm done showering? because the mind-body divide is lost. stepping out of the toilet, the mind must now control the body. there is no more routine, no more same old procedure. and so the mind is lost, lost controling the rampaging body. 

the world will keep changing, but showering always remains the same. 

for it will forever define my days

Bliss

pure pure pure pure amazing

Thoughts

so many things have been running through my head recently. 

today it was religion. 

today it was emotions.

today it was love. 

today it was death. 

today it was value. 

today it was pride. 

yesterday it was leadership.

yesterday it was purpose.

yesterday it was history. 

yesterday it was memory. 

tomorrow it will be book in. 

power is forever

1984 is beyond amazing. 

i've learnt many things. many things that matter, many things that will make a difference. 

its never being honest. it never was, never will be. but it used to be so scary. i dont like using "i" and "me" a lot, its like holding up a mirror against oneself. sometimes you dont need that scary image staring back at you. sometimes all you want is a photo frame, all you want is a picture of ignorant bliss staring back at you. 

its been a tough time. i dont think i've really realised how good life has been to me. oh come on, who am i kidding?

i wonder if at some point this blog will no longer be relevant to me. i have a journal for army, i have a journal for myself, and i have a journal for myself. what purpose then does this blog serve? there's nothing i want or need to say, and no one really reads so there's no point. i'm not interesting. i dont write well. i dont want to chronicle every passing moment of my day. i have facebook for that, and facebook's stupid. 

i keep getting distracted. its rather annoying how my thoughts are always fragmented and incomplete. it makes me look stupid. i know image doesnt matter, but it does. 

really, i keep pondering whether i still need this blog. someone tell me. 

Dying

"Without music life would be a mistake"

there's too many things i need and want to say. but i guess i no longer need to broadcast discreetly stuff anymore. i can actually feel comfortable talking about things honestly. which you may find a tad unbelievable. 

i'm sorry, but army is making me go crazy. 

into the vortex

sigh

Dream Police

its not that i've forgotten it, or what it meant to me. 

rather, i've stopped having it mean everything to me. 

Pictures

its scary just how little i remember of when i was young. young as in before primary school kind of young. i'm looking through all these photos of when i was like 5, and i honestly remember so little... is it because it was never anything significant, or do i just have a really bad memory? there was nothing incredibly memorable i guess. i never broke any bones, i was never dropped on my head, nothing of the sort. i guess i was just like any other kid. normal. 

ok so blogging semi-hiatus to finish putting photos in the album and watch the new episode of house. 

sometimes i ask myself, what can i be proud of? i dont think i've ever done anything that i can feel really proud of. i dont organise charity events, i dont go around helping people, hell often i dont give a crap about anything other than myself. and i guess some part of me does feel rather ashamed. especially when i see people around me doing so much for other people. this is my mystery of humanity. we are all so different, even when we are supposed to be the same. we chase seperate dreams, we honour contradicting beliefs, only to prove we are different. i want something to be proud of. no, i need something to be proud of. i need something that, looking back 20 years down the road, i can remember 2009 with. 

i'm glad to have bothered to put photos in a photo album. it may not seem like much, but its a rather big deal for me. i never used to do these kinds of things. its scary. 2009 has been a very weird year for me. break out? life-changing? stupid? i've yet to experience enough to properly label year 2009. every year has a label, every year means something. so far, 2009 means a lot of things. i only need it to mean one thing. and that's hard. 

its very easy, feeling this small. 

because everyone needs schedules they cant follow

Routine Order for Monday, 150309

CDC - Pte Desmond Chan

0930 - Reveille

0945 - Fall in for 0BX

0950 - Breakfast

1000 - Self Admin

1200 - Lunch

1300 - Area Cleaning

1730 - Stand By Area

1800 - Prep to move out for dinner

2000 - Area Cleaning

2200 - Commence Internet Surfing 

0200 - Lights out

Safety message of the day:

Dont be stupid.

Hygiene message of the day:

Dont be stupid. 

Romeo and Juliet

http://www.gatecrash.com.sg/?page=event_detail&actionForm=detail&eventID=571

for whoever may be interested. 

The Chronicles of Desmond

occassionally, i live my life in film. its like taking a camera and looking in onto my life. its a queer feeling. i dont feel like my life is scripted, but i do often wonder what it would be like if it actually was. would i be interesting? would i have dramatic potential? would i sell?

then of course, the director yells cut, reality sets in, i dont move on, and life carries on. 

because there's time for everyone, even if time shall wait for no one

truth is, i'm happier now. its hard to admit it, but i think i am. i've got less to worry about, i've got significantly less to care about now. i'm so far away from everything. the disconnect has done me some good, even if it hasnt always been very pleasant. now i've got 10 odd days to reconnect with the world around me. i'm doing everything i can. of course i'm not perfect, and of course i cant make everyone happy, even if i may want to. 

but i'm changing. and i know it. i somehow feel that i have now a greater sense of morality, which is somewhat weird. do i like the newer me? i dont know, i dont think the newer me has really been tested yet. 

the past 2 house episodes have been very thought provoking. issues such as persona's, social contracts and all, these are after all facets of the human condition. and i think that's why house appeals so much to me. or rather it used to, and has now again found the old house glory. just like house, there's no real need for emotional drama and all. take that all away, and what you have a dissertation about the human condition. and that will always be fascinating. people will always be fascinating. 

no reason

my blog is so boring. 

ok ok update update. POP was awesome. well not that it really was, but rather the feeling of passing out was fantastic. i guess the end always feels good, cos you know you are now going to have stuff to look back on. of course some part of me misses it all. 

this block leave i think is coming at just the right time. i miss being me, i miss doing all the things i used to like to do. army has changed me, whether for better or for worse. 

this is such a loser-ish update. tsk. talk to me lah, i'm so much more interesting than my blog. 

A levels?

right grades, wrong subjects. but it doesnt matter. 

Dear God

oh dear. so many things are changing, i'm afraid i wont recognise things anymore. 

the appearance of the tick scares me. what happened to the glorious three stripes??? have we now given in to the enemy! condemnation be to the pok! 

its the things that you want to but are too scared to say that matter the most. 

living in circles

and he was just like any other guy. 

he could do things no better, and no worse. 

he had dreams of the impossible,

but reality was some harsh place. 

the memory plagued his existence,

more than the scars on his face. 

he was alone,

just as he has always been. 

he is incurably idealistic:

wanting to change the world,

wanting to fall in love,

hoping things will eventually be okay. 

but everything will not be alright.

life is merciless - we fall over and over again,

only so that life can laugh at us all the time.

but in that mockery we must find comfort - 

as long as we dont laugh at ourselves,

there is hope yet.

hope for a little redemption,

a little respite to quell the frightened minds. 

he was just a face in the crowd. 

for awhile, he had a name.

but one in a million is all he's got, 

the only chance at a life he would never else know. 

catching the last train

tiredness makes my brain go a little out of shape. i stop thinking properly, and things just come out strange. and i become even more forgetful... 

there are so many things i wish to say,

but there's just too little time for everyone. 

recently i've had more time to think about everything that has happened in the last 4 months. a ton of stuff happened, but army kinda robbed me of time to think about it properly and to just sort myself out. but ever since training started easing up, i've found the time to reflect properly. i'm making up for lost time. (somehow, i always feel that that is the case. there's never enough time, and yet there's so much to do.) 

its been a tiring weekend. a long long week too. its a little scary, imagining the fact that for two years i'm going to spend many weekends totally exhausted. the break away from life as i knew it, the gap that has been created, it never closes. 

i miss talking to people who understand. now, i dont expect anyone to. some part of me rather them not to. but i miss my friends. they mean the world to me. its scary thinking back to my ip days and how i thought i could survive withouts friends. i was so naive. but i think i've grown up a lot more now. 

i want to think i've become a better person, but i'm not sure i have. 

over the hump

an emotional mind makes irrational decisions. 

i think i'm over that. 

imagining the pain

come come now, follow the light. 

bury the body and free my sight. 

the past 2 weekends have been so short. but i wont complain, because i cant. i've learnt my lesson. 

who knows what's worth it anymore? 

the tough part is having to learn about yourself. critically re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself is a painful process, and it only comes with having time on your side. time seemingly exists on two different plains, the tekong plain and the mainland plain. on tekong time seems to stretch on forever, and yet back here on the mainland time passes in an instant. back to my point, which is that i've taken to figuring out myself better. i thought i had myself figured out, and in some ways i do. but i'm still learning more about myself. its not always about looking ahead and thinking about the present and future. sometimes it matters more to consider the present in relation to the past and see how the past may manifest itself in the future. 

ok am off to watch house, because it makes life worthwile. 

only when you're lonely

yes, it sucks big time. but what can i do? i guess its reached the point of resignation, and i just have to accept whatever that comes. there is nothing i can do to change things anyhow. 

we can always wish for so much more than we have. 

right now i'm just trying to get by. truth is, i hate bmt. i dont feel like i belong here. i dont know where i belong, but it isnt here. i just want it over as soon as possible. 

things are slowing down, even as they speed up. i think i'm slowly realising just how tough life can be away from the things that matter. i'm over the initial shock and everything. now its really just trying to deal with it. 

who knows when i'll be done complaining? 

right now i'm just so tired. and there is really no let up. i really wonder how i'm going to spend those 12 days of block leave. there's always so much more to do than the time i have. and i've been spending way too much. so much for keeping to my resolution of going out as little as possible. i've been going out every single weekend. i guess it may be time to start being a little more loner and just stay at home. but there's not much to do at home. and its lonely being at home. but then again, it can be lonely everywhere. 

things are starting to look up. even from my clothes i think i sense a change. there's now more colour, more variety, less worry. things arnt neccessarily simpler, but they are proving to be a little easier. no more guessing, in a way no more worrying even. there's nothing to think about, being on tekong. the brain stops. i hate it. 

i'm not sure i'll ever be used to a life like that. i need my freedom, i need my control. i could give up other things in exchange for some control over my own life, my own freedom. sadly there isnt a trade-off to be made. 

and everything still remains the same, even as we carry on into the sunset. 

so long and always so far

the problem is that i just dont have enough time to organise my thoughts and sort myself out. every weekend has been so rushed, its almost like army out of army. i still have timings to meet, i still have schedules, i still have to rush here and there, is there to be no reprieve? no, i dont think so. not for another 1 year and 10 months. 

25 random things, because i feel the need to blog something. 

1. a12 saved my life. i've spent the whole of today thinking about this, and there's no other way around it. a12 saved my life, rescued me from the shit i was turning into. 

2. i am extremely materialistic, but lack the financial capacity to actually be so. which leaves me in a very difficult position of wanting many things but actually possessing very little. which in turn leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction. 

3. i lie to myself a lot. often when i do so, i tell myself its alright, because i'm doing what's best for me and for whoever else may be involved. but even that may be a lie. its some part self-delusion, its some part an attempt at being happy, its some part escapism. but when you add it all up, its still nothing more than many lies parading to be half-truths, which ultimately count for nothing very much. 

4. i dont think people understand me. but i also dont think i'm as complicated as people may think i am. maybe its a fear of being normal. i guess i'm to blame, for trying to appear more complex than i may actually be. but then again, sometimes i dont understand myself either. 

5. i'm not a fan of personality assessments (such as 16p, eqi etc). i dont like how they objectively classify you. it is too simple, too brutally honest. 

6. unlike xtine, i think jc was the best thing that has happened to me. vip could possibly be at the same time be the worst and best thing, because it helped make my jc life the joy that it was. i think i can quite honestly say vip destroyed me in many ways, and jc rescued me. 

7. i think i'm in some kind of regressing phase in my life. i've recently taken to things symbolic of earlier periods of my life. take the mario fascination. who knows, maybe growing up neccessarily requires a period of regress, to look back at past facets of your life and better understand who you are and ultimately who you want to become. i believe the past shapes who you are in more ways than we care to want to believe. 

8. i have yet to form my opinion on life. so far i've been holding various opinions that arnt mine specifically, but rather variations of opinions that i've heard from different places. i believe everyone needs their Opinion On Life. their own OOL. but it takes time. of course it does. 

9. i'm happier now. no doubt. 

10. i've grown up a lot i think. i just havent had the time to determine just how much "a lot" is. 

11. uni will be the time i decide if i pursue music or not. there is no time before neither is there time after. 

12. army has been inculcating habits into me, such as wearing a watch, always rushing etc. irritating, really. 

13. i'm still afraid of labels, even now. and though i know its an inescapable reality, i still hate it. i guess that's why i keep trying to run away from them. but it seems they have a habit of chasing after me. and so the cat and mouse game goes on forever. 

14. i am still so selfish. everythings about me me me. i dont naturally and instinctively put other before myself. yes, i can do it, but its a conscious effort. my first instinct is still always self-preservation. which makes me selfish. 

15. i think i'm too demanding. i demand a lot of myself at times, i demand a lot of others, hell i demand a lot of life. its not fair. 

16. i always tend to think in terms of fair and not fair, and then dismissing them as pointless classifications because life isnt fair. life doesnt operate on a scale of 1 to 2. 

17. i need to better express my gratitude for people. 

18. i definitely inherited a lot of my dad's genes. i recognise and acknowledge that. now the difficult part is having to live with that. hopefully i wont commit the same kind of mistakes as he does. 

19. i think i'm still very restless when it comes to a lot of things. i've got nothing to hang on to, nothing to keep me calm and grounded. all the time i'm still drifting around, searching for new things to hang on to, seeking the next thrill ride, the next adrenaline rush. and when its over i'll move on again. its like the millenium falcon, hopping from galaxy to galaxy, with no place to call home. coruscant doesnt count, because it is the home of the universe, and hence home for no one. 

20. i beat around the bush a lot. i think the problem is that i dont have the confidence to just say things straight. i'm afraid of being wrong, or of messing things up. its easier to be ambiguous as one can easily cover up any mistakes. it takes courage to do black and white. i just keep doing grey. 

21. i am tired tired tired. 25 is a looooooong way away. 

22. i dont want to change the world. and i dont want to save the world. the world is beyond saving, and i have no messiah complex. however, it would be nice to contribute in a way that will help us progress as people, and especially as singaporeans. having said that, i do wish to be involved in the arts scene in singapore, whether theatre or music or whatever it may be. it is there i see the most potential.. singaporeans are a bunch worth saving, if only because they are the hardest to save. 

23. my sense of humour is very questionable. 

24. i wish i could draw. i always did, i still do, and i always will. 

25. i am a collector. 

castles made of cloud

and life could somehow go on, even if its never quite the same again

because at the end of it all, that's the only comfort that we've got

and forever

cos there's nothing like the memory of yesterday, the emptiness of today and the promise of tomorrow to always keep us going...

15 STEP

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle. 
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! 
4. Tag 10 or more friends 


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? 
midnight show - the killers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? 
lemon tree - fool's garden

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? 
for a pessimistic, i'm pretty optimistic - paramore 

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? 
requiem for a dream - lux aeterna

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? 
put your hands up in the air - daft punk

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? 
i predict a riot (radio 1 live lounge cover) - mcfly

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? 
let me love you (radio 1 live lounge cover) - charlotte church 

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? 
empty space - lifehouse 

WHAT IS 2+2? 
believe - the chemical brothers

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? 
baby, its a wild world - mr big

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
yesterday (acoustic) - the beatles

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? 
i want you back - the kooks

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 
theme of final fantasy x - final fantasy x

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 
aint that a shame - cheap trick

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? 
watch and ward - phonograph

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? 
overture 1928 - dream theatre

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? 
unchained melody - il divo

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? 
photograh - nickleback

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? 
to where you are - josh groban

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? 
detainer - day of fire (sounds like confinement to me ><) HOW WILL YOU DIE?  glider - captain beefheart WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?  black - neurosis WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?  foreign language - anberlin  WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?  do it alone - sugarcult WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?  where i stand - blue october  WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?  time after time - cyndi lauper DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?  sooner or later - breaking benjamin (HAHA) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?  suteki da ne (piano collection) - FFX piano collections  WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?  rookie of the year - funeral for a friend WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?  15 step - radiohead

wow no muse

never worth the sacrifice

take your time, because time is all that you have. 

until you've found your answers, 

this is all that you will ever get. 

yes, it sometimes dont make sense.

things happen, and you dont know why. 

its getting steadily tougher and easier at the same time. change is still hard for me i guess. i dont know if that will ever change. paradoxical, isnt it? 

as usual i as thinking too much on the trip home, and i figured i'm still living in too simlistic a world. i guess everything's still quite idealistic for me. idealistically good, or idealistically bad. there's little room for any in between. i'm still slowly learning i hope, how to come to terms with things that dont make sense to me. i'm just not sure how much time i have. or rather how much time i can afford to take. because no one ever has enough time. 

Fire Alarm

every once in awhile everyone needs a little bubble bursting. you burst one bubble so the new one grows a little bit stronger. 

ngeah. i want my jerseys...

Thoughts Attack

last night i had the most strange experience while lying in bed. its been a long while since i've been doing any meaningful thinking. yesterday i did spend some time thinking, especially before going to bed. while lying in bed, when i closed my eyelids, i had the sensation of words washing over me. it was extremely queer. when i opened my eyelids i felt nothing, just staring at the ceiling. but the moment my eyes were closed i could feel words, thoughts, sentences, everything weighing down on me. it doesnt really make much sense, me trying to explain what it was like. i wish there was some way of giving it meaning, some way of making sense of it all. but i'm quite sure there isnt. its probrably psychological more than anything. 

i wonder if its the sudden onset of repressed thoughts. the sad part is that i dont think there was anything complex. but basic beats nothing i guess. 

Voices

maybe i am only fearing for the worst. 

the irony of it all is that i wish it werent a fair trade off. i know everything has its price, and i've accounted for the price to pay. but maybe i was wrong. maybe it was worth more than i thought it was. 

thoughts are taking way too long right now. i can feel myself slowing down in relation to the rest of the world. 

we speak in different voices 

when fighting with the ones we love 

we speak in different voices 

why can't we say what we're thinking of? 

do i miss you, do i even dare

hello 2009. its a new year once more. 

no resolutions. i never make resolutions, because i'm hopeless at keeping them. but that doesnt mean i cant set out some goals/targets to try to meet. at least it gives me a sense of direction, or at the very least an illusion of that. i'm shit tired right now. 

so, things to do in 2009 (in no order): 

1. move on

2. pass ippt. pref at least a silver. 

3. keep in touch with friends. 

4. keep the brain alive. or at least prevent it from degenerating into a vegetative state. 

5. save money. 

honestly, i never liked goal setting. i hate all that shit about being realistic, time period etc. i dont really feel like thinking right now. army kinda does that to you. it negates the need to really think. 

sigh. the pain of being away from everything that means anything to me is starting to sink in. i never thought i'd feel this way, being left out of everything. i miss everyone, i really really do. 

ok i need to force myself to think and to reflect. 

2008 was quite a good year i think. in general jc life was good. it flew by, of course it did. and i had a ton of fun, even if i also did have a ton of hurt. i'd like to think that i've grown up quite a bit the past 2 years. i sincerely hope i did. i've learnt a lot these 2 years, and i dont mean academically. i've learnt a lot about others, i've learnt a lot about life in general, but more importantly i think i've learnt a lot more about myself. in IP i had no idea who i was. i was basically just drifting around, settling anywhere that would have me. and i would float on and on, constantly in search of something new, something different, something that would excite me. while i wouldnt say i have fully discovered who i am now, i think i have a better idea. i know what i want. i know what i like and what i dislike. i know what makes me tick, i know what gets me annoyed, angry, frustrated etc. most significantly, i think i now know what makes me happy. and that is very important. 

i am really thankful to the people that have made my jc life the best two years of my life. looking back, through all the ups and downs, it is the people that made all the difference. 

i couldnt have asked for a better class than a12. i mean, its not always been the most smooth-sailing, but we definitely made it through alright. hell, we made it through pretty damn awesome. i mean, i dont think jc would have been half as fun without the class. i mean, there is always someone i can turn to, whenever i'm feeling down or anything. and together we've had so much fun, whether going out, or just doing stupid things to amuse ourselves. i dont think my words can ever do justice to just how much i appreciate my class. a12 kept me sane when i thought i was losing it. 

i am also extremely grateful for the 07/08 tsd batch. i mean, these were the people that i saw every single damn day of my jc life, whether i liked it or not. the course has made a lasting impression on my life, and so have the people. the amount of work put in, the hours spent slogging away, spent in each other's faces, one never forgets these things. these people were my family away from a12. its definitely not always been easy, but as a whole we managed lah. its not like our senior batch where there were obvious factions. i think the sense of unity is much stronger in our batch, and that can only be a good thing. and i've made so many new friends, friends which i dont think i would normally make. tsd has changed my life in so many ways, its a little scary. 

floorball has been my release away from tsd. there's just no other way to describe it. i mean, all my hard work in jc went to two things: tsd and floorball. and the people are vastly different. and its a good thing. i mean, i think its unhealthy to be constantly around the tsd people, because you'll go crazy. with the floorball guys i can just, you know, be a typical guy. there's easily less judgement. i'm not sure quite how to describe it, but the feeling of comradeship, it is something i treasure.

sigh i am so tired right now i cant think. i need to go crash. i must seriously start working on some form of thank you. i've never been the card-writing, gift-giving kind. but i've got 2 years to work on it, two years to find ways to show my appreciation for the people who have made the past 2 years so enjoyable and memorable. 

i think i will make that a resolution.