so long and always so far

the problem is that i just dont have enough time to organise my thoughts and sort myself out. every weekend has been so rushed, its almost like army out of army. i still have timings to meet, i still have schedules, i still have to rush here and there, is there to be no reprieve? no, i dont think so. not for another 1 year and 10 months. 

25 random things, because i feel the need to blog something. 

1. a12 saved my life. i've spent the whole of today thinking about this, and there's no other way around it. a12 saved my life, rescued me from the shit i was turning into. 

2. i am extremely materialistic, but lack the financial capacity to actually be so. which leaves me in a very difficult position of wanting many things but actually possessing very little. which in turn leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction. 

3. i lie to myself a lot. often when i do so, i tell myself its alright, because i'm doing what's best for me and for whoever else may be involved. but even that may be a lie. its some part self-delusion, its some part an attempt at being happy, its some part escapism. but when you add it all up, its still nothing more than many lies parading to be half-truths, which ultimately count for nothing very much. 

4. i dont think people understand me. but i also dont think i'm as complicated as people may think i am. maybe its a fear of being normal. i guess i'm to blame, for trying to appear more complex than i may actually be. but then again, sometimes i dont understand myself either. 

5. i'm not a fan of personality assessments (such as 16p, eqi etc). i dont like how they objectively classify you. it is too simple, too brutally honest. 

6. unlike xtine, i think jc was the best thing that has happened to me. vip could possibly be at the same time be the worst and best thing, because it helped make my jc life the joy that it was. i think i can quite honestly say vip destroyed me in many ways, and jc rescued me. 

7. i think i'm in some kind of regressing phase in my life. i've recently taken to things symbolic of earlier periods of my life. take the mario fascination. who knows, maybe growing up neccessarily requires a period of regress, to look back at past facets of your life and better understand who you are and ultimately who you want to become. i believe the past shapes who you are in more ways than we care to want to believe. 

8. i have yet to form my opinion on life. so far i've been holding various opinions that arnt mine specifically, but rather variations of opinions that i've heard from different places. i believe everyone needs their Opinion On Life. their own OOL. but it takes time. of course it does. 

9. i'm happier now. no doubt. 

10. i've grown up a lot i think. i just havent had the time to determine just how much "a lot" is. 

11. uni will be the time i decide if i pursue music or not. there is no time before neither is there time after. 

12. army has been inculcating habits into me, such as wearing a watch, always rushing etc. irritating, really. 

13. i'm still afraid of labels, even now. and though i know its an inescapable reality, i still hate it. i guess that's why i keep trying to run away from them. but it seems they have a habit of chasing after me. and so the cat and mouse game goes on forever. 

14. i am still so selfish. everythings about me me me. i dont naturally and instinctively put other before myself. yes, i can do it, but its a conscious effort. my first instinct is still always self-preservation. which makes me selfish. 

15. i think i'm too demanding. i demand a lot of myself at times, i demand a lot of others, hell i demand a lot of life. its not fair. 

16. i always tend to think in terms of fair and not fair, and then dismissing them as pointless classifications because life isnt fair. life doesnt operate on a scale of 1 to 2. 

17. i need to better express my gratitude for people. 

18. i definitely inherited a lot of my dad's genes. i recognise and acknowledge that. now the difficult part is having to live with that. hopefully i wont commit the same kind of mistakes as he does. 

19. i think i'm still very restless when it comes to a lot of things. i've got nothing to hang on to, nothing to keep me calm and grounded. all the time i'm still drifting around, searching for new things to hang on to, seeking the next thrill ride, the next adrenaline rush. and when its over i'll move on again. its like the millenium falcon, hopping from galaxy to galaxy, with no place to call home. coruscant doesnt count, because it is the home of the universe, and hence home for no one. 

20. i beat around the bush a lot. i think the problem is that i dont have the confidence to just say things straight. i'm afraid of being wrong, or of messing things up. its easier to be ambiguous as one can easily cover up any mistakes. it takes courage to do black and white. i just keep doing grey. 

21. i am tired tired tired. 25 is a looooooong way away. 

22. i dont want to change the world. and i dont want to save the world. the world is beyond saving, and i have no messiah complex. however, it would be nice to contribute in a way that will help us progress as people, and especially as singaporeans. having said that, i do wish to be involved in the arts scene in singapore, whether theatre or music or whatever it may be. it is there i see the most potential.. singaporeans are a bunch worth saving, if only because they are the hardest to save. 

23. my sense of humour is very questionable. 

24. i wish i could draw. i always did, i still do, and i always will. 

25. i am a collector.