promises we made

i dont get it. i never do.

its very very demoralising.
and at the same time, i know,
i'm just sinking, deeper and deeper,
and at the moment, there just doesnt seem to be any way out.

hope

fuck it lah, its not use anyway. i mean, nothings going to change. all i can do is to learn to live with it. all the hurt, all the regret, all the misery, and the missed chances, everything. i just aint cut out to make it. ever.

yes i feel terrible.
yes i want to feel special.
yes i need to be there.
yes i hope i can mean something.
just, once.
but never shall that opportunity present itself again.

i can see your lips moving, but i dont hear a sound.

its lonely out here.
i'm standing on a cliff, in the middle of some strange outback.
i feel so alone, yet so free.
i have with me my towel,
and all the time in the world.
to think, to understand, to feel.
to realise, that i've been lost for so long.

its lonely in here,
this room but with the bare bed and empty chairs.
water drips outside the window,
the sky gleams like a distant shadow.
and still i choose nothing,
but to sleep here every single night.

just to be alone,
just to runaway,
just to do all those things i cannot say.

WHITE CONES!!!!!!

I WANT WHITE CONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not in the mood

today was pretty bad.

its really quite strange how quickly the promos are passing. i mean, compared to ip, its just so much less, its quite amazing really. i mean, in ip i had to effectively study 6 subjects, now i more or less need to study 2.5. thats a hell lot of difference. and i dont know why, but i'm not stressed at all. its a bad attitude to adopt, this whole dont give a damn attitude. sometimes i think i really need to give a damn. (it is perhaps quite ironic that the things i do give a damn about, aiya)

it seems to me, that my life will always be about all the ifs and maybes.
theres too many choices, too few decisions.
always.

lifeline

it sucks having to be someone you dont want to be. desperately.

how lovely the greatest masketeer

i remember reading an article somewhere, about not having to understand the technicalities of sports to appreciate the beauty of it. and i've just come to realise how true that is. for the past hours or so, i've been watching figure skating. haha. pair skating, to be specific. i dont understand a single thing about the sport, but just watching it, what makes it so wonderful is that just watching it makes you feel different. the intensity, the passion, it screams out at you. and you cant help but throw yourself in. and for me, that really is what appreciating beauty is. and it doesnt apply only to sports. dance, music, everything really. the wonder of it all is how it makes you feel. does it make your heart beat a little faster? does it make your hands tremble just that little bit more? theres something about beauty, you dont have to understand, and often, you cant. all you can do, is to appreciate it, and let it wash over you.

and oh btw, pair figure skating is omg so romantic lol.

somewhere i belong

its just not right. and yet, i dont know why time and time again i cheat myself, pretend like it might be right just this one time.

i suspect, man are inherently lonely. some people, the lucky ones, they find those special people called friends. others, they surround themselves with people, as a way of ignoring their loneliness. some people, the flit around, trying so hard to find a place where they could fit in, but at the end of the day, the probably never do. but that doesnt stop them trying, for thats all they can do - try. and some others, they just accept it, and live with it. all the lonely ones...

the straight and honest answer is this:
all i really want, is to really mean something to someone.

oh no.....

OMG I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SPENT 3 HRS ON THE NIGHT BEFORE MY PROMOS REARRANGING MY GODDAMN FECKIN ROOM WTF. WTF. THIS IS SO DAMN FECKIN RETARDED. FECKIN HELL WAT AM I DOING???

OH AND BY THE WAY, I AM FECKIN UNPREPARED!!! :D X 10000000000

of the hopeless kin

live the dream is really good, in that it really shows how impossible singapore's music scene is. i mean, first having a rock themed show is a bad idea, secondly all the bands just plain suck at playing rock. i like cats in the cradle, but i like them for their acoustic work and nothing else. i mean wth, its not over, summer of 69, its not rock. its more pop rock. which is then very sad, because it really shows how impossible it is to become a rock musician in spore. honestly, nothing but pop can survive here, singaporeans cant appreciate rock music lah. thats what all the globalisation and cultural diversification has done to us, we have become general.

G: general.

for now

OMG ITS OVER.

it was horrible. terrible. absolutely drastic. i am pretty certain i'll fail. but i dont care.

COS ITS OVER.

escape your alien

thanks shu :D

camcorder baby

i realise i've been in vj so long, yet so little do i know about the school. oh well.

the hallowed dvd

peace

i am in a very strange mood right now. i think being angry makes me go abit wacky. my piano exam is in 35 hours ftw.

today i had a nice long talk with phoedebe. i realise i really miss being able to talk to people, people who wont judge, people who accept you for who you are.

its sad. it really is, how pathetic our society is becoming. are we all becoming stupid judgemental fools? cant we function anymore, without having to so readily judge people for what they are or are not? scarier still, haf we reached a point where we judge people according to who we make them out to be, and not who they really are?

there are some questions that just have no answers.

am i that worthless in your eyes,
a fly fluttering in the fading light.
i wont take it anymore this wholesome lie,
cross between two dragons and one sky.
because i rather be who i really am,
than to just be some stupid so called gentleman.

absolution

"As for Dom, he just rocks. He needs the transparent drum set so we could see his awesome pants.."

i freaking love muse.

bookshop heroes

i need a new template. i need a cool template. i need a template. tem-plate.

consciously, i lie to myself all the time.
subconsciously, i keep asking myself why.
though in my dreams it threatens to speak,
i hold by breath in anticipation of what might come next.

trust me

i hate not having stuff to do. it gets me damn restless.

its sucks to have a little bit of everything, and a whole lot of nothing.

goodbye again

I WAN A GIBSON LES PAUL.

sigh.

i forgot what i wanted to blog about liao.

gotta say something if not nothing

being scared is so easy eh.

this afternoon/evening was sooo nice. sitting in the canteen with phoedebe shu hao ge and nad, just talking, really not giving a care about anything else, and to really talk, it felt so good. sigh. i miss times like these, i really its been quite a forever since i had such conversation. it actually gives me hope in this world again.

theres so much i want to say, words just dont do justice to how i feel.
all of the running away, all of the lingering pain.
i want to be just like those angels that stay awake,
all night just to watch your peaceful sleep.
the shadow of your back fading into the sunset,
with the swallow diving into the never ending cloud.

learning back my heartbeat

oh my god. listening to pink floyd live leaves my brain and body in strange untold places. oh god. my heart is beating strangely now. oh god. pink floyd. oh god.

oh god.

serious damn, a 4 and a half min comfortably numb solo is just indecent man. it leaves the brain in places yet explored. mind fuck baby.

now or never or never ever

i'm bored.

and tired.

and cranky.

and unhappy.

and dissatisfied.

and unpleasant.

the list will go on and on.

until i finally decide to end it.

i want a backstreet boy to punch

fuck you, world. no, correction: FUCK YOU, WORLD.

if you can tell, which you probably cant, i am currently very pissed with the whole urgh world. (i am trying very hard to avoid swear words. i dont know why and i dont want to knwo why. it might get me angry.)

i AJIGHOQH(N@)!UT)goih HATE THE WORLD.

ok now for decent chat.

ok i got physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, defeated. destroyed. i am in a state of shambles, i am caught in a traumatic guitar string. i wish i had a punching bag right now. i dont know why, but i am suddenly filled with rather pent up intent. and rage. and anger. ARGABKQBVIBIBIVOQJOOBO.

i am feeling like an angsty angry boy right now. so, PIKAJOKAB. YOU BLOWJOB. PISS IN MY RED BULL AND SHIT LIKE A HORSE YOU COW FACE PUNK ASS TYRE RUNNER.

ode to the masses

honestly, being sad isnt that hard.

no matter how many times i say it,
over and over till the sky turns grey,
you'll never see, you'll never understand
that deep down someone i actually do care.
though you may think i feel no pain,
imagine that i've got ice filled veins.
the lies told over and over again,
conceal the truth of ghostly shame.
words dont come out the way they should,
meaning always clearly misunderstood.
you put me down cos you know you could,
though i've hoped you never would.
i cant say i've never cried,
right at the death of the plightless night.
stripped it right out of my head,
throw it in the boiler's gate.
let it spin and simmer round,
burn until it wont make any sound.
pause.
left right centre is doesnt ever matter,
its the same the claim the game.
often i do play the clown,
letting myself drown not frown.
but sometimes when the river clears,
into a gashing waterfall,
thats when it only ever hurts,
falling like a wingless bird.
you cant see that it means something to me,
what you think, what you make of me.
we all laugh and joke today,
but tomorrow its only my dismay.

get me lovestoned

really, its not that hard. har har.

smile like me

DISTORTION BABY!!!!!!!

oh baby.

HELLO!

tonight is a weird night. WEIRD. correction: today is a weird day. WEIRD.

me and minghao are currently having a strange conversation about an emo radio station, converting everyone such that we become a "a legion of discontented emo singaporeans" "disconnected AND discontented bent on revolution and overthrowing the government then they take powr", and my ascension to power. and how everyone has to bow to me when i say hello. HELLO! now bow. i am disatisfied with minghao's inability to submit to me.

and my conversation with shu has brought about some very very strange lines. such as this one:

if you want your ring back, you must exchange your dreams for it

i mean, how cool is that? i cna just picture that in some super mega cool fantasy game or movie or smthn. like, woah moment!

oh! moment!

debunking my myth

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

.greatest fear to fear the great..

i fear relationships. why? because for every start there must be and end. for every day there'll be a night. and i fear the end. i fear loss. loss of those closest to me. closest to my heart. people whom i could trust. people i have placed faith in. i fear not being unable to achieve, instead i fear losing what i have. i desperately cling on, hoping it'll last forever. but nothing is forever. is there fprver? who is to say? i fear letting go. i fear having to let go of things i have. letting go is hard. too hard for the heart. it takes too much out of me. its scars too deep. i fear rejection. i fear not being accepted by those i seek acceptance from. not a mass, nto an entity, but the individual. people. persons. and i fear not being able to gain their trust, failing to garner their faith. i fear pain. pain brought about by having to go through life the way it is. the physical pain shall fade away, btu the pain from dealiing with people, egos, emotions, minds, hearts. overwhelming. fragile fragmetns of the soul, yet forced to juggle them, watch to see which is to fall first. i fear letting down the poeple who have placed faith in me. to have to face the dissapointment, the hurt, its just too much for me to take. i fear running away. not facing up to what i should. thrying to escape, though i know i cant. i fear losing control. over my emotions. to lose the control, allowing the gates to break open, i'd be afraid, frightened, cos the repercussions are too great. to be abel to control my emotions is something i want to be able to pride myself for. but maybe its pride misplaced. i fear having to consider all the options of any situation, for it brings rise to too many possibilities i dont want to see. i fear underachieving. not meeting my own standards. others dont matter, for if i dont even meet my own personal standards, its only letting myself down. and yet i fear overachieving. i fear reaching a point where there is no more to achieve. the end. for what then, when theres nothing more to achieve? nothing left to strive for? i fear having belief placed in me. cosi know only too well that it is more thaan likely that i shall dissapoint. i fear things being beyond my comprehension. i seek to understand things that are going on, but if and when i dont, i feel lost. to be unable to be clear of things happening, to analyse but not understand, it'll scare me. and i fear being at a loss, with no direction in which to go, no idea where to turn. i fear having to make decisions. there are too many implications, too many possibilities.
i fear my heart, my mind, but not my soul.
for there is belief. and in that i trust.
could i conquer these fears? probrably not.
i cant make it go away, i wont.
everyday i face all these i fear, but am i fearful? hopefully not.
what do i live for? not for others, not for myself, but for all i fear. i live to see myself faced with all that i am afraid of, over and over again.
why? cos its a challenge. and i like challenges. i thrive on them. not to conquer, but just the ride.
see, i live on adrenaline.

Posted by dessy at 7:25 PM

that, was more than 2 years ago. sigh. see this is what happens when you get sick of reading about holocaust denial and creation-science. you go through old blog entries. what the hell. (note to self: who's you? chances are no one reads this but yourself you idiot, so stop pretending like theres an audience of some sort.)

well i didnt actually read that from my archives. i reread it in my diary, then i reread it on my blog, den reread some other stuff. the thing that really struck me is that, while some things have definitely changed (and for the better, i'd like to believe), some things, well, havent. i mean, i'd like to think that i've become less naive, i'm matured and all that shit, but beyond all of that, there are things i cant help but realise that havent changed at all. in one sense, i dont think i am any closer than 2 years ago in defining who i am. which is a really scary thought. i mean, yes in the almost 3 years i've been in vj i've learnt alot, not just about myself, but in general. but i still am confused about who i am. in sec 2 i thought i knew who i am. sec 3, ok ip1 wadeva, that really fucked everything up. it really did make me reconsider alot of the things i thought i knew, about others, about myself, about life in general. so many things happened, so many things changed, and i say it over and over again, it really forced me to grow up. which is definitely a good thing in many respects.

but the thing that really strikes me about this post, is that for the majority of it, i can still post it now. ok maybe not the last portion (HAHA laugh with me now HAHA). but the whole first section, it more or less still holds true. that aint the scary part. the scary part is this: how long more will all of that apply? i mean, i think at some point, i have to honestly face up to all of that. i cant run forever. i dont want to run forever, even if i'm doing it right now. (HM maybe thats why my dreams are always about running, but i always wake up just before i reach where i want to reach. hm. ok maybe not)

theres another thing i realise. i'm now trying to work out whether i'm more honest now or then. ok desmond shall think. actually, having thought about it, i suspect it is actually quite different. last time, i suppose i could be more honest with others, but not myself. all the hating, all the angst, all the anger, it amounted to some kind of truth, in that beyond all the "fuck"s and all the "shit"s, i probably can sieve out the elements of honesty. now, i suppose i do find it easier to be honest on the inside. on the outside? not so easy. the main difference is this - i suppose last time, i did first, thought(regret/worry/reflect) after. now, i think first, do after. or in many cases, dont do after. and i suppose at least last time, i actually did all those things first. i did stuff i can regret later. now, i'm too scared, i suppose even more scared than last time, and as a result, there are alot of things i want to do but cant, or dont. i mean, so much for development eh. so i suppose i cant decide when i've been more honest, then or now, but i can say i am not more honest than i was, which is a bad thing. i think.

i just had this thought. could this be cyclical? like, 2 yrs and 4 months from now, i'll come back, look at this again, re post it, and realise nothing has changed. scary thought? i hope not.

nope, i cant. not yet.

the age game

i want to live life with no regrets. i want to be able to look back and say, "yes, that was worth it", "no i wouldnt have done it any way else". i want to be able to do that. and now, just 17, already i think i cant.

hur, and you wonder why people never grow old.

in need of some pursuit

ah fuck my sis is watching bring it on. (again, i think)

i've realised, i have a few means of running away. one is music. second one is intellectual pursuits. today whilst i was reading, i suddenly realised, "hey, this aint right." i realised that all i was doing was to just push all the thoughts out of my mind, to bury myself in the thoughts of others, so that i dont have to deal with my own.

i cant believe i've resorted to doing quizes to kill my hopelessly wasted time.

dont think about me

the problem is this. thinking makes me sad and fucked up, but i cant not think. i think (hah) i have some form of addiction to thinking, such that i just cannot not think. and its depressing thinking about it (pun not intended). its a horrible feeling, having to think things through, wondering all the time, and not knowing. because my problem is that i want to know, but i'm too scared to find out. so i create all these possibilities and maybes in my mind, knowing that one of them is probably right, i just dont know which one.

so can i make choices? dont trust me on that. seriously.

who needs money when you've got me?

as my 601th post, i shall make it a meaningful one.

first, i'd like to say sorry. its not really as simple as that, but sometimes, theres only so much you can do.

secondly, i'd like to decide what i want to do. short term. long term can wait.
i want to write a song. and not just some lame emo shit song, i want to write a song that means something. i want to write a song. and i want to write a great song. i want to write a hey there delilah, or a tears in heaven. simple, yet amazing. but honestly, i dont think i have it in me to write a song as good as that. its just, you must have that something. some call it inspiration, i call it...inspiration. i suspect. and anyway, since when did i ever do anything i said i would anyway. exclamation mark!

thirdly, i want to buy a guitar pedal. or rather, multiple pedals. i want a distortion pedal, a delay pedal, and after that special effect pedals. someone give me money. please i beg you.

fourth, i want to make music. ie i want to jam. ie i need to jam. ie i cannot jam. ie i got no one to jam with. ie i'm dead. ie my dreams are going down the abyss of reality. ie i am not thinking clearly.

ie i shall be gone. or begone whichever it is.

need vs want

often it is really very simple. (i suspect i'm starting to think like an economist O_O)

i need to figure out my needs and wants. only then i can i settle things. yes. simple isnt it?

say no

he may want to play his childish games, but i swear, i wont. not again. i will not let myself fall back into that angst trap, i will not allow myself to be drawn into yet another meaningless battle. why? because it simply isnt worth it. i've learnt that much. its too stupid, too tiring, having to hate and be frustrated all the time. the only fear i have, is that i may not have anywhere to let it all out. and that might just make me, crack.

fuck you dad.

titles dont make a man

i hate harry potter harry potter. he screws with my life.

on a less exciting note, i have reconcluded that i am actually very normal. i have very normal wants, just expressed in possibly abnormal ways. like seriously. all the abnormal stuff, all the tumultuous rubbish, its all to cover up all the normality within. normality is lame u know, and i dont want to be lame... so i pretend to be different and all. truth hurts, and no one wants to be hurt.

on the other hand, thinking about all this normality shit, it just aint normal is it?

ah well, at least i started with a conclusion. i had another conclusion, but i have forgotten what it is. OH YES!

i have also reasoned why i like music so much. music makes me happy, cos music distracts me from thinking. thinking makes me sad, and music stops me thinking, hence music makes me happy. (any ki student would totally screw my argument over, but wad the hell) and for that alone, music is important. its not just an escape, its...shit i cant think of anything besides escape, but my point is that it isnt just as simple as just being an escape. its like, i feel comfortable, more so than about any other time. really, thinking about stuff just complicates things too much. sometimes, it just so much better just doing. music vs theatre, i'd pick music 7 times out of 10 (there are certain forms of theatre i just cannot say no to). music makes me happy. sometimes, all i really need is a guitar, pen and paper, and time.

time.

hmph

you're surprisingly insensitive, honestly.

seriously, no one takes me seriously.