making notice

i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.