making notice

this has left me so drained and defeated,
so much so that i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant say i dont care, i still do,
but something just isnt like it was before.

i honestly dont know what to do with myself right now. i'm in a really deep shithole, and i cant seem to get myself out of it. you know, its not always been this way. i think for very long i've been in a funk of sorts. now all these shitty emotions and feelings are coming back to destroy me again. it happened once before and its happening again. i can feel it, and i dont know how i can stop it. sometimes, i'm just lost for words. i honestly dont know what to say, because i know that whatever i say is the wrong thing to say. so i'm better off not saying anything at all. but this is the worst choice to make, much like bosola. i think that's the importance of choice. its not about having choice, its about making choices, and dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. having choices but not making a choice at all is the stupidest thing to do, because it leaves you with nothing. it leads you nowhere. it is an endless cycle of despair.

i cant make choices. i thought i could, i thought i can now, but some part of me is still telling me i cant. that's what makes me weak. its the reason i can admire people even if i dont like them or approve of what they do. at least they have made their choice, and are standing by those choices, or dealing with those choices.

i feel very left out of life right now.

i cant even think right now. my mind is just, i dunno, destroying itself. committing mental suicide. i feel like a shadow of the person i thought i was. i feel like telling descarte to take his philosophy and shove it up his fucking ass right now. i think therefore i am. i dont think, therefore i am not. i think i am in despair, therefore i am in despair. fuck descartes. (for all i know i might be mistaken, it might not have been descartes after all. but i think its him)

i am not feeling angry. i am not even feeling sad. i'm feeling something i dont want to admit i'm feeling. yes.