you said i'm falling behind...

i'm so jaded and frustrated with work. i don't think i can carry on like that, its just killing me inside.

i'd like to believe that it's okay to be misunderstood, that i'm ok with that. but i'm not. i don't think anyone can really ever be, if they are being honest with themselves. while i may not chase popularity and aspire to be well-liked and whatsoever, being misunderstood can at times hurt.

breaking out of this bubble has been difficult, and i'm still adjusting to it. i'm so out of touch with social habits and practices, its like having to re-learn how to eat or something like that. but one must not see the world with rose tinted lenses, because lets face it things out there will never be as good. we had too much of a good thing, and now its coming back to haunt us. but slowly, i guess, one step at a time. start with things i'm familiar with, and go from there. sometimes its just about saying hi. its not that difficult, is it?

people seldom think this much. i often forget, and it leads me to do rather inane things. and it all adds up see? i allow people to misjudge me, because i always forgot that everyone is very much different. its something of a vicious cycle i think.

i'd still like to think i'm ok with it. generally i am. its just sometimes i'm not. often i don't even know when that is.

do we look as we are, or are we as we look? i think for most people you can somewhat figure out who they are just by how they look, what they wear etc. i guess what i'm really saying is that most people are simple. and that's perfectly okay. if anything that's probably better. i don't think i've met anyone with as eclectic a dress sense as mine. sometimes (ok often) even i myself am confused. perhaps its because i'm still not quite sure who i am as a person. it always comes back to the whole identity thing. its not that i'm having an identity crisis or anything (i hope not), but more that i find i can be a different person to different people.

i'm weird. i know. and it used to be perfectly alright. but now i'm not quite sure anymore.

Neon Trees?

my twitter feed is becoming a slightly harrowing place. so who are neon trees? i'm slightly annoyed that my twitter feed is being flooded by lamc retweets of people being excited over a band i've never heard of. then again, one tweet was as follows: "shreya_bieber: neon trees. thank you lamcproductions! first justinbieber, now this! BEST YEAR EVER.". then again, a fb post was as follows: "Check out Neon Trees cover version of Justin Bieber's hit "Baby". "

ok obviously they suck.

Hope

the only thing keeping me together is the promise that it'll somehow eventually get better.

Not just another Tuesday

its been a pretty expensive day, to the tune of $207.00. ouch. no more spending for the month of June then, less petrol and other life essentials.

in other news, Crash is so awesome.

I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

Expectations

its been a tough 2 weeks or so, i won't lie. spent a lot of thinking time dealing with what i suppose are deep set insecurities and fears that have been dormant for a long time. sometimes its harder to deal with a problem that you fully understand.

the reality is that i cannot hold everyone accountable to the same standards. its just not fair, because people are different. i should manage my expectations of the world accordingly. and i can't just avoid or run away from it, because it'll keep coming back, perhaps harder than before.

as much as we would like to embrace our differences whatever they may be, we all want to feel a sense of belonging. statistically we're on the wrong end of the equation, because there are far less people to supposedly mix properly with. but i don't think its right to just shut the rest off. i've learnt that its necessary to deal with things we don't want to deal with, because its the right thing to do. it allows for functional social contracts to play out, it facilitates life as we know it. and its easy to sit on one side of the fence and lob waterbombs over the fence. i hope i am capable of better.

i'm not sure who i am going to be, and that scares me. that scares me.