stop misleading me like i'm misleading you

i wish, i wish i could just speak my mind. i wish inhibitions were a lie. i wish it were so much easier. but the truth is, it isnt.

i cant deal with it, i really cant. theres always this barrier, this invisible bridge i cannot cross. i dont know if its because i dont want to, or because i really cant. actually, its not that i dont know, its that i dont want to know. there are so many things that i dont want to think about. j1 life has been so different. but i suppose, things last, but not forever. we want things to last forever, and i still hold out for that little bit of hope, but its hard. i mean, everything changes so damn fast. everything just, happens.

i dont know how to say it. i want to, i think i need to, but i dont know how. every possible scenario i can imagine, it just doesnt work. i think this really is the leap of faith. for very long i think i've been lying to myself. there are still the doubts, the possibilities we never want to consider, they are all still there. i'm only knee deep, not in over my head.

sigh. how does one break anothers heart?

i'm not sure where i'm going with all these. somehow, i cant help but feel i'm going round in circles all the time. i keep saying i want something to change, but i think the honest truth is that i'm afraid of change. i'm not sure i can deal with it.

you know, i think i really am what i'm not. somehow, i feel that i aint really who i seem to be. i contradict my thoughts and feelings with my actions, i contradict my beliefs with my mannerisms, i am one big contradiction.

its always the same old problem isnt it? left or right? i end up right in the middle. too fast? forcing. too slow? nothing. i dont know when i'll ever be truly honest with anyone. its such a terrifying thought. actually, i think i'm alot more honest here than i am in life.

i wish i were interesting.

things could be simpler, but they wont. and i know i've gotta do something about it. its not that i dont know how, its just i don care. i'm afraid.

i always am.