making notice

forever, and ever.

and it is ok, after all. i do want to live an idealistic life, full of love and meaning and hope and everything i could possibly want. but in all honesty, what are the chances? i mean, its not that i fervently believe life is meaningless and pointless. i dont think that is true. i just feel that it helps to be aware that life isnt all that it is touted to be. to just know that, well, life does suck. not always, but it does. if we live everyday always believing and hoping blindly, then we are just being ignorant no?
i think its not so much what i want, but more of what i need. i'd like to think that i can look past all the insignificant material details. but can i? until i have tried, i dont think i'll ever know. its tough, because it is irrational. because sometimes it just doesnt make sense. and i kill myself trying to make sense of it. i think some part of me just cannot accept being clueless and lost. when you know, you can control, you are responsible for all the consequences, good or bad. but when you are not in control, so many other things could happen, for better or for worse, who is to say?
ever so often, i just get distracted. my mind wanders off to faraway places. sometimes, i wonder if it may never return. could i then change, and become someone else? but never has that happened. i never get lost, and my mind shouldn't. there's something pulling me back here. i cant ever really leave. yes, i could walk away, but my mind, my heart, my memories, they all will still stay here. and until i can free them, i can never leave. time will pass, as it always has.

will i be there through it all?