Falling Away With You

i realise then words are escaping me more and more frequently. i dont know what to say, but that's not even the real problem. the real problem lies in the fact that i suspect i may have forgotten how to say. army is screwing with my life. i knew it would, i just didnt know it would be this bad. i have become incoherent. i cant even write a proper semi-intelligent sentence now. i swear, army makes people stupid. its not fair on guys, they enter uni with an increased disadvantage. my active vocabulary has probably been reduced to maybe a 100 words. at best 200? i dont want to count. 

i think the thing that most shocks me is just how much i miss the things i had. 

nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. 

when all lights fade, my eyes take shape

army changes everything. 

and i'm gone. be back in two weeks. 

Falling from your grace

shopping is cathartic. i guess its easy to lose oneself in the euphoria of spending money, especially when you dont normally spend so much money. its crazy. since As ended i think i've spent close to $400. i mean my parents do reimburse some of that money, but its still crazy actually spending all that money. and it is cathartic, to loosely use the term. and its been a great day. soccer, good food, shopping, company, excellent. 

soooooooo.... 

tekong is looming. well, sort of. its not really looming like DARK SCARY DANGEROUS looming. its more like COME COME I"M NOT SO BAD looming. i'm looking forward to it, so at least i have the right mindset going in. its not so bad, it really isnt. 

its all about distracting myself right now. doing quite well so far, so its alright. kinda. 

Mass Hysteria

today is Crash and Burn day 2. spent tons of money, said tons of things i shouldnt have, and did tons of nothing. sounds like crash and burn to me. 

\m/

muse makes me very happy :D

Emotional Crash and Burn

right now, i cant do anything right. all my choices suddenly seem so different, and they start making less and less sense. and its just a bad time to be doing anything. nothing beats nothing. i dont want to end up doing something i will regret. hell right now i'm not even thinking straight. i'm thinking things that make zero sense, i'm considering scenarios so far-fetched even jk rowling couldnt think of them. the worst part is that i can somehow make them seem quite real. which is a scary thought. 

i'm glad everyone's going away. or rather, i'm glad i'm going away from everyone. at least it gives me time on my own, to recover and find myself again. everything's happening to quickly i suspect, trying to do so much with so little time. i guess its time to now think about taking things slow. i mean, its only 4 more free days left. after that, i've got all the time in the world to begin from circle one. 

i guess right now i just need to let myself crash and burn. seriously. there's little else i can do, and there's little else i should do. crash and burn, crash and burn. 

(:

because this is the greatest class ever

Leaving Out The Blanks

somtimes, it only takes a little tap on the shoulder to remind you of what really matters. 

its the little things that i remember. i guess because you realise what it means to you. and because you'll never get it again.

i've been thinking about religion and faith. and i suspect i understand now. more than i used to. 

just wanting or meaning to say is not good enough. only actually saying is good enough. 

its damn hot. 

hot damn. 

nope, i havent found it yet. i'm still looking, although i'm not sure how long i can keep this up for. for as long as it takes, i guess. some things dont have deadlines. 

i dont think about death too much. not mine, that is. its a good thing, if anyone believes me. 

i guess, i'm still scared, terrified, freaked out. because i dont understand, because my rational mind cannot make any sense of it all. 

How do you fall in love when you've never been in love before?

prom was awesome. i suspect it was even slightly better than i expected it to be. i mean yes some parts were pretty lame, haikel was full of crap, but hey at least i enjoyed myself. i guess that's the most important thing. 

haha, this post has been stagnant for a couple of hours. i shall get back to it. 

i've actually forgotten anything intellectual i might have thought a while back. my brain has been degenrating into mush ever since school ended. its quite sad really, considering that i wont really need to think very much during army. of course you know what i mean. 

oh yes i remember now. i was musing about army just now, and i realised that the change to pixelated gear is very fitting. it is the 21st century after all, we no longer engage in physical combat. it is the time for digital and cyber warfare. hence the government's decision to make all ns men look like freaking avatars. i just hope they dont eventually send me to thailand to fight that never ending pseudo-war. 

i am falling sick. not just literally, but i suspect mentally as well. it's not that my mental state is degenerating or anything. its just that so many things have changed that i sometimes dont recognise me anymore. suddenly, i'm doing so many things i normally wont, and it scares me. everything scares me, because i'm actually really a coward. which is worse, pretending to be a coward or pretending not to be?

i may be awesome, but i'm not as awesome as you make me out to be. 

i may be delusional, but not as delusional as i make you out to be.