Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
cringing the way i am
i hate it, living in this limbo i am in. its neither here not there, everywhere, yet nowhere. its sucks to be so unsure. to realise that maybe, just maybe, everything i've ever believed in may not be true after all.
and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.
and then again, i never thought it could happen to me.
i never thought i could like this.
happy, yet sad at the same time.
its sickening.
i wish many things,
but it all always has a way of happening the way it does.
i never thought i'd ever let myself be this way.
but i have.
and thats what scares me.
to feel for things i never thought i would.
the brutality of honesty
today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.
(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.
wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.
i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.
theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
tomorrow
theres something econs lectures. i dunno. its a condusive thinking environment i guess. i came out with 2 script ideas. haha.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
i guess this is the part i've gotta deal with the truth.
where i cant no longer deal with ifs and maybes.
its the time where i've got to be willing to distinguish black and white,
instead of living in a gray reality all the time.
where i'm forced to think, to truly think,
and maybe for once understand what i really feel,
what i really want.
i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
to be.
yes i have realised just how little time i have to think these days. everythings so fast, constantly moving ahead, moving forward, no one really takes time out to consider the past. and i guess i dont want to be caught up in that never ending forward pursuit, without looking back. it becomes a chore. i want to be able to sit down, all by myself, and just think. about everything, anything. to strip away all the superficiality, all the facades, all the borrowed clothing, all the painted masks, strip it all away, and deal with everything that's left. i guess the scary thought would be that maybe theres nothing left. maybe its all that i really ever have.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
i am very disturbed by deja vus.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
wishing for things i never had
i guess with each passing day, i'm realising how absurd life really is. beneath the lies we tell ourselves, there lies something that resembles something of a truth. but who really cares? we're all so happy just the way it is.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
this whole acting thing is getting to me. i mean, i've never every felt this vulnerable, this empty, this, i dunno how to describe it. i guess i'm now coming to terms with the limitations in my acting abilities. i realise how little i've actually experienced. and that just plain sucks. and also i've come to realise how much who i am is affecting my acting. i cant seem to find those things inside of me i need to. its the friggin irony of it all. i mean, i can write about how acting is about tapping into your inner self and dealing with whatever, but i cant do that. i cant do half the things i say. and its difficult. i want to be able to do my role convincingly. its so funny actually. everyone says i'm poseurish and everything, but ironically i cant portray a poseur properly. i mean, what the hell.
i've never really felt the true meaning of birthday. i mean, every year its been the same thing. go school, come home go out with family for dinner, get on with life. birthday celebrations are a thing of the past. and after thinking about it all i realise i dont really want very much. i think that other then an elec guit, anything i could truly want for my bday cant be bought with money. so i'd like to think. i mean yes an xbox 360 or a nice shirt or what would be really, i mean REALLY nice, but in the end, its all superficial stuff. i'm not sure how much they would really matter.
i guess, i cant wish for things i want. because i'm not suppose to. maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
shole
sigh. i am tired. very very tired. schools sucking up all my life's energy. theres just something about the fricking lts. (char: yea i tink ure rite about ure whole conspiracy thing). grrr.
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
school has so far been, well, interesting. some of it has been fucking boring, like ki and econs and maths, some bloody interesting like tsd (!!!!!), others just plain weird, like a12, others plain wtf-ish, like pple hitting me everytime i say fuck. wtf. (-smack-)
i am currently rather pissed with myself. currently my acting is just bleh and lousy. and i am quite sad about it. i'm not poseur enough. grrr. somehow i just cant find that confidence. and its really affecting my performance. argh. this is irritating
Thursday, February 01, 2007
all these things that i've done
you know, all these doing and not thinking is doing me a hell lot of good. nowadays, i'm so damn fucking busy i hardly have time to think anymore. and i guess its not a bad thing. i mean, i'm just too tired everyday. come home, i realise i dont have much energy to do anything. but it might be a good thing, cos then i wont be constantly brooding and thinking about all the what-ifs and all that shit. not like last yr. and in some sense, its actually liberating.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
i miss v14
today it struck me, just how much i miss v14. and i am somewhat surprised it took me this long. i mean yes i do miss the class, but today it really struck me just how much i miss them. i mean, i guess its also cos we spent 2 years together, and we've only been with our new class for a month. and also i guess everyone's all still caught up in their sec sch past. but really, i miss 14 very much.
i mean we all had went through alot. gossiping, bitching, hating, issues, fun, laughter, insanity, everything. and i dunno. it just totally struck me today. just, talking.
i mean we all had went through alot. gossiping, bitching, hating, issues, fun, laughter, insanity, everything. and i dunno. it just totally struck me today. just, talking.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
poster of my life
time doesnt heal any wounds. time numbs them, so much so we forget they are there. but then something comes along, to rip those wounds right apart, to unleash the pain, the suffering, the hurt. and then the blood of history begins to flow.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
the personal response of the critical mind and the critical response of the personal mind
its the sad sad reality that rules my life.
i'm always wandering around,
lost, searching, feeling.
its so funny, how things always have a way of happening. its the horrifying reality of my past coming back to haunt me, literally stalking me, drilling holes in the back of my head, yet i cannot see. i cant get myself to stare it straight in the eye. i cant deal. and its killing me, you see.
theres something really fascinating about unplugged songs.
i'm always wandering around,
lost, searching, feeling.
its so funny, how things always have a way of happening. its the horrifying reality of my past coming back to haunt me, literally stalking me, drilling holes in the back of my head, yet i cannot see. i cant get myself to stare it straight in the eye. i cant deal. and its killing me, you see.
theres something really fascinating about unplugged songs.
Monday, January 22, 2007
me and my little girl
i have complexes.
first, i have a stalker complex. not that i've stalked anyone yet, but i know i can. i have this thing about observing people, noting every single thing they do. and wanting to know everything about them. its quite scary really. and all these stalking plans keep running through my head, so tempting, at the same time so scary.
secondly, i have an elitist complex. its like, once in awhile, i'll feel that everyone around me is just so, stupid. and pointless, and useless, and absolutely worthless. i have these moments, and i totally hate myself for it. its like, suddenly everyone kind of disappears, and theres me left in my own little bubble, looking down on everyone else, thinking i'm so damn fucking great, when i guess the truth is, i'm not.
oh well. we all gotta live with who we are i guess.
first, i have a stalker complex. not that i've stalked anyone yet, but i know i can. i have this thing about observing people, noting every single thing they do. and wanting to know everything about them. its quite scary really. and all these stalking plans keep running through my head, so tempting, at the same time so scary.
secondly, i have an elitist complex. its like, once in awhile, i'll feel that everyone around me is just so, stupid. and pointless, and useless, and absolutely worthless. i have these moments, and i totally hate myself for it. its like, suddenly everyone kind of disappears, and theres me left in my own little bubble, looking down on everyone else, thinking i'm so damn fucking great, when i guess the truth is, i'm not.
oh well. we all gotta live with who we are i guess.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
the death of the conversational evangelist
it seems that things always have a way of happening,
history always repeats itself.
maybe its just me, everywhere i go,
i bring along this luggage,
this negative energy,
that makes me want to do as i do.
and i saw stars and lighting flash across the sky
its not that i want to be like that.
sometimes, i'm not sure i'm given a choice.
things stick, u see.
labels stick.
and i wonder, do i even want to try?
though i may tell myself i do,
do i actually mean what i say?
or am i jus lying to myself,
trying to make myself believe that things will change,
when in fact they wont.
i think its qutie damn scary,
our whole life we're wondering if we actually exist,
and in death we wonder if we really lived.
whos to say?
history always repeats itself.
maybe its just me, everywhere i go,
i bring along this luggage,
this negative energy,
that makes me want to do as i do.
and i saw stars and lighting flash across the sky
its not that i want to be like that.
sometimes, i'm not sure i'm given a choice.
things stick, u see.
labels stick.
and i wonder, do i even want to try?
though i may tell myself i do,
do i actually mean what i say?
or am i jus lying to myself,
trying to make myself believe that things will change,
when in fact they wont.
i think its qutie damn scary,
our whole life we're wondering if we actually exist,
and in death we wonder if we really lived.
whos to say?
who's gonna stop us now?
what does it mean to be happy?
i mean, people are all happy and shit,
but does anyone know what happiness is?
i'm not sure i do,
and i wonder if anyone can give me some kind of answer.
we all have our moments, when we feel like nothing could stop us,
nothing could get us down,
but these moments, are they real?
do we truly feel happy in times like these?
or are we just kidding ourselves,
imagining our happiness so we dont have to face the
true bleakness of reality.
i guess, once in awhile we all have to kid ourselves.
to be happy, to be sad, to be angry,
which is the biggest lie of them all?
i mean, people are all happy and shit,
but does anyone know what happiness is?
i'm not sure i do,
and i wonder if anyone can give me some kind of answer.
we all have our moments, when we feel like nothing could stop us,
nothing could get us down,
but these moments, are they real?
do we truly feel happy in times like these?
or are we just kidding ourselves,
imagining our happiness so we dont have to face the
true bleakness of reality.
i guess, once in awhile we all have to kid ourselves.
to be happy, to be sad, to be angry,
which is the biggest lie of them all?
Friday, January 19, 2007
to be or not to be. that isnt a question.
i have learnt that:
i need to look up more. serious this is pretty much screwing with my acting.
i should always reply, even if tis the most trivial thing in the world. i guess of them high strung people just gotta know.
its funny. bus 31 travels the route of my life. from my hse to toa payoh, it passes my kindergarden, vs, vj, tao nan, kong hwa. weird really.
i need to look up more. serious this is pretty much screwing with my acting.
i should always reply, even if tis the most trivial thing in the world. i guess of them high strung people just gotta know.
its funny. bus 31 travels the route of my life. from my hse to toa payoh, it passes my kindergarden, vs, vj, tao nan, kong hwa. weird really.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
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