the brutality of honesty

today was a special day.
so many different emotions,
felt in a single day.
i think i could say i felt the full spectrum of emotions.
during lit, i felt numb. dead.
during econs i felt high, insane.
i couldnt stop laughing.
during ki i felt bored. and tired.
crewing i felt bored, yet at the same time excited.
during dinner/amusemet thingy i felt relaxed.
i felt carefree.
den at the beach, it all came rushing out.
all my thoughts, all my feelings,
it all came to the fore.
and it made me deal with it.

(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

wow i didnt realise i wrote so much. but i guess its all true. i'm not sure how often i've been this honest with myself. i think in the past 3 days i've been more honest with myself than the rest of my life put together.

i didnt realise just how hard i was trying not to break down until i was on my way home alone. suddenly, it just hit me, how hard i had been trying to pull myself together. how hard i have always been trying to maintain a particular image of who i am. and like on the beach, i think i was really really close to tears. something about the whole situation just did something to me. its the stars, the breeze, the smell, the sound of water, the girls singing, the stuff going through my head, the darkness, the sand, it was magically depressing. i havent felt like that in quite a whie. i honestly felt sad for them, even though i've never been through the struggle they have. this whole o level thing, its bloody screwed up. its fucking up everyone's lives, and i feel so crappy for it. i mean, listenin to zara and phoebe talking about their sec schs and vj and everything, it just made me realise things. like how i'm going to be in vj for 4 years. i cant imagine how fucking horrible and painful and heartbreaking graduation is going to be come next year. i seriously think i'll just break down and cry. i mean, its not just anywhere. its vj. my time in vj is going to be the longest i've ever spent in one particular school. its going to be so bloody damn difficult to say goodbye. to friends i've gained in ip, to friends now in j1. and i cant help but think about it. assumign i dont retain, in 20 months its all going to be over just like that. 4 years in vj, just done. its a fucking scary thought. i wish it'll never happen, but i know it will. sigh.

theres something about being honest thats so hard. so difficult. so painful. liberating? who knows?