its really over.

it hasnt really sunk in yet. right now, things still feel kinda normal. i suspect its cos i havent actually stepped back into 24. tomorrow will be difficult. i know it will. going to school, realising that i dont have to spend hours in 24 again, realising that yes, i actually do have lessons to go for. realising that i can have a life again. realising that life does go on. and realising that it really REALLY is over.

am i sad? sad am i? i am sad? not yet. it hit me a little last night, while i was bumping out my stuff from day. for a moment, just sitting there alone surrounded by wires, silence and the cold of day, it did feel like the end. i felt a strange feeling of calmness, and it was nice. nice, but foreign at the same time. i dont think anyone really realises its over until it really is over. den it just suddenly hits you like a train. i think in the next week or so all the 'what ifs' and all the 'if onlys' will begin, but till then, i am relishing the moment.

yesterday was great. some parts kinda sucked. sam getting injured, my piece being shit, my groups being all random and weird, but overall it was good. i think the most important thing was the feeling of closure. it really did feel like it ended. someone put it very aptly, it was like our investiture. and it was a good way to end. the timing was right now, just after exams, just before everyone gets back to their normal lives. no need to revisit the past, no need to fear the future.

there is a strange contradiction to how i feel. on one hand, there is an extremely great feeling of relief, and yet on the other hand there is a whole lot of sadness. i'm very glad its all over, but of course some part of me wishes it never ends. as usual i am being longwinded again, as i always am, but wad the hell. lets try summing everything up in as little words as possible...

its really over.

if you ask me now, i can honestly tell you, it feels incredible...

its 2 days before groups, 3 days before IS, and i'm not that scared yet. this is scary. tonight, i know i am going to be so damn fucking freaked out. its not quite dawned on me the magnitude of this.

OH GOD.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

really, muse is awesome. i want to be matt bellamy. i wish i was as cool and interesting as him. (not to mention musically gifted) unintended must lyrically be one of the best songs written ever. the beauty of it lies in its simplicity i guess, and its so much more apparent as compared to the complexity of other muse songs. today one advert (for sarah connor chronicles) used paranoid android, i was like wah? since when channel 5 learn to use cool music?

i'm so tired, so much so i cant think anymore. i just want to run away.

its all deserting me now. somehow, i think it always does. as it gets closer and closer, i move further and further from where i want to be. i've forgotten the chance to be me.

as shu puts it quite aptly, life is bleak.

it is sometimes possible to be just about satisfied...

i forgot i forgot i forgot what i wanted to say.
questions, questioning this endless array.
fight, even when the battles are far too long.
fight, because thats your one chance to break away.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(ideology)

i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.

its easy to be lively when you are happy.

people arnt good or bad by nature. however, i think there is such a thing as nice people by nature. its not easy, its not common. but it happens occasionally. you just cant become nice, like really become nice. yes, you can pretend to be nice, but i think its like what jireh said in slots yesterday. your relationship with other people the the product of your relationship with yourself. if you arnt naturally a nice person, how can you be nice to others? yes, of course its possible to pretend. we all do. its sometimes the only thing we can do. but there's no hiding the fact that often beneath all those pictures, we share a similar core that isnt nice at all.

i want a prs i want a prs i want a prs :(

you stupid spineless slug. why do you even bother? yes i do understand that you cant explain.

my condo is having a poolside screening of enchanted right now, its horrible. but i must justify myself, lest people condemn me for being narrow-minded and what not. enchanted is imo, a BAD show. but its my own opinion. its polluting the minds of our youth! its not that its like, badly written. its just overly cheesy and idealistic and utopian and perfect and beautiful, when lets face it, life is nothing like that. its not that i disagree with fairytales. i agree with fairytales fully, i think everyone needs some kind of fairytale dream. its hope. but well, i really cant accept the kind of fairytale presented in movies like enchanted. i know yesss, it sells. yesss, its nice to watch (for some people), yessss girls will all go awwwww. but seriously? ok lah, i know its just me being me and trying to assert my opinion on others which i should not do, but its something i feel strongly about. i cant hate people for liking enchanted. i dont, i really dont. i dont know who will actually believe me, but that's my stand. i just well, dont see things quite as being quite as rosy. i still want my fairytale. i just hope it doesnt involve falling through manholes or fighting dragons...

shattered? hee....

tired tired tired tired tired

i've had several westlife songs stuck in my head today. it is downright disgusting.

i might be the only one who thinks i can be a nice person.

today i bought new swimming trunks, and went for a swim.

there is nothing, my dear,
quite like the relief that is near.

sigh. hello once more, its nice to see you again.

you'll never quite understand what it's like, going to sleep feeling terrible, and waking up feeling just as bad. its unpleasant. its bad sleep. you dont have to dream about suicide, of course not. you dont have interrupted dreams of people you dont know. you dont dream about a past that never happened, a future that you desire so bad. you dont have to wake up at 5am, feeling thoroughly unrested, and having yet another queer dream between 5-7. no, you dont have to suffer. no, you dont have to be weird.

but its nice, you know. its nice being you, sometimes. people dont bother as much, people dont seem to want to care too much. and i'm fine with that.

i do wish i had a reason. i do wish i had an explanation. but all i have for you are excuses, my friend. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of making all these excuses, because i know i am putting off the inevitable. i thought about it last night, before i went to sleep. if i had a time machine and only one chance, what would i do? would i be selfish enough to take myself back in time and change what has happened? would i be naive enough to think that i can do what i couldnt? would i be brave enough to change? i asked myself, and then i will ask you. could you do the same? its nothing like a sacrifice. sacrifices have a point. sometimes, we dont need a point. some things need no explanation, some things are better off left without reason.

i dont get you. of course i dont. you hide better than i lie.

as always, i have written a song for you.

silly little me, always forgetting i've got no voice to put lyrics in.

goodbye. until next time, my friend. i will always remember you.

bring it on is the epitome of american stupidity. there is nothing like it.

"and like, my boyfriends the quarterback, and i'm a cheerleader!!"