crumbling empire of infatuation

i turn around,
upside down,
turna turna turna turna turn around.
but all that i can see,
is just a lemon tree...

words of wisdom indeed.
for thats wad its like now.
and how it shall be.

find peace.
that is my objective,
one of my greatest desires.
nah i don give a fuck about wad nobel peace prize or what shit.
fuck world peace.
i don care.
i'm looking for something else.
my peace.
selfish? maybe.
self-centred? yes. 100%.
why?
cos its my life,
its my resposibility,
for my actions determine who i am,
and who i become.
and one of the most important things to me,
is the ability to find peace.
withint myself.
and yet its so hard.

finding peace.
maybe dats wad yoga is for.
but is it really about meditation?
of course not.
"peace. its does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart." -unknown
those words can be no truer.
and my failure no bigger.
that is my goal.
to find the calm within,
and sadly, its not happening.

its a dangerous little game we all play.
with each other.
especially in the 2 years in vs,
i've seen quite abit of shit.
tolerence issues,
conflicts of every kind,
and i've learnt one thing.
if one is to find peace,
one must know turmoil.
one must face the problems.
and only then can one find true calm.

den i qn myself.
haf i done that?
face up to my problems,
tackle my issues head on.
have i?
i'm not sure.
i cant say i havent,
btu then again i cant really say i am.
its like climbing a wall.
i'm climbing,
yet i don noe if i want to go over.

its really doesnt help with the kind of people i have around.
really.
after awhile it gets frustrating.
i'm beyond irritation.
its part of me now (sadly. an issue i have to address).
its a whole new level.
well kind of.
considering things don change,
how its the same thing repeated over and over again.
much like a broken record.
nb: is it me or am i surrounded by broken records? maybe i've walked into the wrong shop.
i'm sicked of it.
and sadly its always the same fuckin people.
the same fucking table.
the same fucking voices,
saying the same fucking things.
the best part is,
what they say,
its all meaningless banter.
"oh my god!!"
"really??"
"goodness!"
"hurhurhurhurhur"
"aiyaaaa..."
"don liiidaaat laaahhh..."
"you're so fat."
"you're ugly"
words that have absolutely no meaning at all.

well my point is that all these is really wearing down the patience i've tried so hard to build over the years.
i know my limits.
and i know they werent as they were last year.
maybe its the people.
or the school.
i dont know.
i'm not trying to make excuses,
cos i know alot of it eventually boils down to me.
i'm living in a past.
or actually i'm trying to recreate the past.
trying to find what i found,
even though i know its already all gone.
things here arent the same.
people are immensely different.
you get a whole new spectrum of things.
pms, bgr, scandals etc...
i tink its hard to say i've not moved on,
but i guess i have yet to let go.
yet to allow the past to be my past.
as much as i try to make it my present,
i know it won't happen.

i guess one leads to another.
to find the peace i so desire,
i must learn to let go.
well actually its more like learn to accept,
that it won be like before.
it cannot be.
i cannot be.
for things have changed me.
i've become a much different person than before.
much.

i have to clarify.
its not that i don find peace.
i'm not some turmoil filled angst machine or anything.
its jus dat i've realised that in sch,
it harder and harder for me to keep myself in one state of mind.
the numbed one.
the one that advocates violence,
in al its manifestations,
i've tried my hardest to supress.
i really have to be thankful that i'm not really alone.
for i tink i'd probrably go mad.
its very comforting to know there can and will be someone there for you.
someone you can turn to in need.
for that's usually what pushed a person forward,
instead of over the ledge.

calm in my heart.
its difficult.
bloody well so.
but nonetheless,
its must be done.

ever felt lonely?